0:00:29 > 0:00:34ROCK MUSIC
0:00:34 > 0:00:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:49SOFTLY: 'Sup, bitches?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51LAUGHTER
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Ha-ha! How we doing? AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- Feeling good? AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Do you want to stop being addressed as a non-specific homogeneous group?
0:00:58 > 0:01:02LAUGHTER Start being catered to as the unique individuals you obviously are?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05SCATTERED WHOOPS
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Er, there isn't time.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Welcome. Hello.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13Er, yes, I'm Ben, sometimes known as Doc Brown.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I'm sure that's how you know me.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20I'm a comic, and also an actor and a rapper.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Whoo! - Yeah, man.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24People always ask me, especially in interviews,
0:01:24 > 0:01:28why, why do you take up so many different disciplines?
0:01:28 > 0:01:32You know, and, I tell them like I tell you, you know, that,
0:01:32 > 0:01:37deep down, honestly, I just feel that I really,
0:01:37 > 0:01:41I REALLY need the money. LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:47You know? But also, I diversify because
0:01:47 > 0:01:52just being a travelling comic, it can get a bit,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55it's just boring, man, it can get a bit tragic.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57You know? A bit lonely.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02So, I try and do just enough TV and other stuff to make sure that
0:02:02 > 0:02:05I only have to do the gigs I want to do.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Pick and choose, you know?
0:02:07 > 0:02:11So, I tend to just do gigs around 30 minutes or less from my house.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Which is the reason I'm here tonight.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18That is the reason I'm here tonight for the BBC
0:02:18 > 0:02:22because I know I can finish work and get back in time for
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Match of the Day. That's the only reason I'm here.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29But there are, there are, there are other reasons.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Um, I mean, there's elements, I should say,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35to being a travelling comic that are OK.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I've seen the whole of the UK, I've seen everywhere,
0:02:37 > 0:02:41everywhere in the UK, and believe it or not, there's some positives to that.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43There are some positives.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Like, especially in the little towns and villages that I visit
0:02:47 > 0:02:51those are my favourites because I've noticed if I, if I, like,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54get my swagger on,
0:02:54 > 0:02:58I'm walking through the little town centre and whatnot,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01I see people's eyes, some of them,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04they assume that I might be a little bit gangster.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:06 > 0:03:08And I love that!
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I play up to that, my friends. I will, you know why,
0:03:11 > 0:03:15because I don't have that luxury in the city that I come from.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19I don't have that luxury in London. You out your mind? Listen,
0:03:19 > 0:03:24ask anybody I know, ask my closest friends, my family, ask my mum. They'll tell you,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26"Who, Doc? Oh, yeah, he's a pussy, that guy.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30"Yeah, yeah... Yeah, that guy." LAUGHTER
0:03:30 > 0:03:34And what can I say? Nothing. I was born a coward, I will die a coward.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER
0:03:36 > 0:03:40It's got me out of many scrapes many a night. You know?
0:03:40 > 0:03:44I like it, I don't mind it, you can call me a pussy,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47I will take it, I will wear it, OK? Because it's true.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50But you know what it made me realise travelling around the country,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52is that it's all relative.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55It's all relative, my friends.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59You can call me a pussy in London, I will take that all day long.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03But hey, let me tell you something, give me a baseball cap
0:04:03 > 0:04:07and a bag of weed in the Cotswolds...
0:04:07 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:16I am Tupac Shakur resurrected. OK?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER
0:04:18 > 0:04:22I will be spitting gangster bars all over your village green.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Right?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Talkin' 'bout roll into your village like a boss, it was necessary.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33First black guy you've seen since last February.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Huh! And I'm turning heads.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Bruv, you know the score.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Till I'm big news on your parish notice board.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45LAUGHTER
0:04:45 > 0:04:47In bigger cities, I'm light skinned. Now I'm dark.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Two spliffs on me, that makes me Howard Marks. Cos now the table's turned.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58It's all relative.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01That's right, old retired soldier, you better shift and take your
0:05:01 > 0:05:04sheepdog with you and your zimmer frame.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Cos a bigger name just arrived in the game.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08LAUGHTER
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Listen, I'm too different, tip cows and shoot chickens.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Bruv, I do a crip walk while I'm fruit pickin'!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Oi! I didn't leave any money for the strawberries
0:05:23 > 0:05:27at the side of the road and I'm taking more. Geez!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Oi, I'm camping here, this is my tent, bro,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35and I'm walking on your grass, though your sign said no, whoa.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:41On your nature trail, kick a tree. What?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Rearrange all the doilies in your tea shop.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52LAUGHTER
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I'm your worst nightmare, bruv, it's not a dream.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57If I'm on you, I'm on all your scones and clotted cream!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Mosey out of your village now with my kind of swag.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Return to London and I'm like, "Hi, guys, I'm back."
0:06:05 > 0:06:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Hello! Ha-ha!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19I can't be gangster in London, you out your mind?
0:06:19 > 0:06:24Suicide. I cannot be gangster in this city.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I'm a parent. You know?
0:06:27 > 0:06:31I can't be gangster rolling around London with my children!
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Like, "Yeah, dis my crew."
0:06:34 > 0:06:37LAUGHTER
0:06:37 > 0:06:41She's 11, she's 8, what?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44No! Give it up, you know? Give it up.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I mean, there's a lot of people, they still don't realise,
0:06:47 > 0:06:51even after having children, you've made the supreme sacrifice.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54You've made it. You've got to lay in that bed now.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57People don't understand how many sacrifices you have to make.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I've sacrificed all the things that I hold dear.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02That happened overnight, almost.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04You know? All the things I used to enjoy, right?
0:07:04 > 0:07:10You know, the girls, the drugs, the raving...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13All the money I used to spend on trainers. Right?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15LAUGHTER
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Soon as the first one was born, all these things were deemed luxuries
0:07:18 > 0:07:22and therefore, pffft! They were the first things to go.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26And yeah, I resent my kids for that, sure. LAUGHTER
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Who wouldn't?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31So, yeah, I kind of decided, you know,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34that I would talk about some grown-up stuff.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I know people have expectations of me now.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39They've seen me a few times and whatnot
0:07:39 > 0:07:42but I'm a grown-up and I want to talk about some grown-up shit.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I heard there was a 21-year-old in here.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Is there anyone younger than that?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Have we got people younger than that? We got some young people in the house?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52HANDFUL OF SHOUTS
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Ah, I see someone waving over there. Poor man.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Well, listen, I ain't got nothing for you. All right?
0:08:00 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:10You know, like, I mean, I appreciate your custom and shit but, um...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I ain't got nothing for you. All right? I don't know.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19There's an assumption made about me, I suppose,
0:08:19 > 0:08:23maybe because I rap and whatnot that I have some kind of
0:08:23 > 0:08:26affinity with young people, you know?
0:08:26 > 0:08:30I get a lot of calls from promoters.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32There's always people asking me, "Hey, Doc,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35"you want to come and do this gig? It's going to be great.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"It's gonna be, sort of like you know, it's an underage thing,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"you know, there's no bar but we're going to pack it with young people.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44"They've seen you on YouTube, it's going to be amazing, you're going to love it."
0:08:44 > 0:08:47And I always think, well, that's such a subjective observation,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50you know, because I hate young people. LAUGHTER
0:08:50 > 0:08:56I hate everything you stand for, you know? I do.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I hate, it's jealousy, really,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I hate the fact that you are people who are younger than me.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04That bugs me. You know?
0:09:04 > 0:09:08But it is jealousy, really, it's not really hatred, it's a frustration.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Because, to be honest, like, when I was that age,
0:09:11 > 0:09:15when I was like 16, dude, I was a teenage rapper.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I did not believe that I would live this long. OK?
0:09:18 > 0:09:22I didn't foresee that. It wasn't in the plan, OK?
0:09:22 > 0:09:27I thought I would hit, like, 27 and die of a weed and pussy overdose.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30That was the plan. THAT was the plan! LAUGHTER
0:09:32 > 0:09:37It didn't work out that way. Still here!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Yeah, I'm still here, man.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42I'm still here.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47Now, I'm a rapper in his 30s with kids and a shed, you know?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER I just think, what do you know?
0:09:50 > 0:09:54What do you young people know about this shit? What d'you know?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58You know, what d'you know about having a pair of trainers
0:09:58 > 0:10:02specifically for garden use? What do you know? LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:04What d'you know about back pain?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07What d'you know about receding hairlines and chilblains?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10What do you know about the '80s,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13when the coolest thing you could say was, "Baby, page me."
0:10:13 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:17What d'you know about four-channel telly?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Corned beef hash and spotted dick in your belly?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Getting shoes that ain't Nikes and drawing the swoosh?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:30What d'you know about finding porn in a bush?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33LAUGHTER
0:10:33 > 0:10:36What d'you know about no smartphones?
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Calling your girl's house but her father's home. Hello, sir.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I'd like to have sex with your daughter.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Nice one. Cos we're way past dry humps.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Matter of fact, what d'you know about dry humps?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Fully clothed on the bed where you find us.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Innocent, like two little angels. Nowadays, kids want first date anal.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Yeah. LAUGHTER
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Instant action, thanks to that Tinder thing.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07What d'you know about waiting two months for fingering? Nothing.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09LAUGHTER
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Nothing! Nothing. Nothing.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22I'm trying to sound cooler than I am. I'm not as...
0:11:22 > 0:11:25You know, if you're trying to sound cool or you're trying to look
0:11:25 > 0:11:28cool, you already lost the battle, that's the rules.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32That's the rules. I hear it a lot, people telling me, I'm cool.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34And I just think, "You don't know me, man."
0:11:34 > 0:11:38You've seen me on the TV, or you've seeing pictures of me.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I'm trying to act cool.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42You know, that's what I do, I'm an entertainer.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45You ask my friends and family, we know what they'll tell you.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Right? Strangers, "Hey, you're cool." What?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51"No, I just wanted to say, you're a cool guy.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53"You're cool, you're so cool." Ha-ha!
0:11:53 > 0:11:57I appreciate that, bro, but, I'm actually not.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58I know you've see me around,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01you should come and see the stand-up, man, and see the real me.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05"No, I'm just sayin', you're cool, that's all, it's a compliment, innit?"
0:12:05 > 0:12:10No, I get it, I get it but... I'm not. I'm just being real with you.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13"Why can't you take a compliment, bro? I'm telling you you're cool."
0:12:13 > 0:12:15"You're a cool guy." I know, bro, I know.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17But I'm just saying, you got it wrong
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I'm telling you who I am. "I'm telling you what I think of you, bro, you're cool.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24"You're a cool guy." I know, bro, you're making me raise my voice and shit.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28I'm just saying, I'm not... Listen, I... I wave back at boats, OK?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30LAUGHTER
0:12:30 > 0:12:35You happy now? APPLAUSE
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Jesus!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Don't get involved in that, by the way.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48You know, the whole boat-waving subculture.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49LAUGHTER
0:12:49 > 0:12:51It really is, it's a slippery slope.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55I don't even know why I do it, you know?
0:12:55 > 0:12:59It's the weirdest thing and don't try act cool like you don't know what I'm talking about.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03You know what I'm talking about, you'll be riverside, by the canal,
0:13:03 > 0:13:08be at the seaside, at the seaside, right? You're on dry ground, OK?
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Doesn't matter whether there's two people in
0:13:12 > 0:13:17a canoe or 200 people on a ferry.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25They will wave at you, my friends. LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:29THEY will wave at YOU.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35All I'm saying is, don't encourage that shit. You know what I'm saying?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Why would you?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I'm guilty, that's what I'm saying, like, I could be walking down by
0:13:43 > 0:13:48the Thames, all right, and I might have my girls with me,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51fresh haircut, new trainers on, I'm feeling cool.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57For all intents and purposes, I'm FEELING cool, right?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00But then it's like the nerd in me just, argh!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03It just explodes, just escapes out through my skeleton,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06up out through my mouth somehow. It just...argh!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Next thing I know I'm engaging in probably the most pointless
0:14:09 > 0:14:16gesture in Homo sapiens culture.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Right? You know, the...
0:14:20 > 0:14:24LIGHT LAUGHTER
0:14:29 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER BUILDS
0:14:39 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:46 > 0:14:49HIGH VOICE: Who's that man, Daddy?
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Hm? Erm, I don't know, baby.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57I...don't know.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Yeah, I don't know, man.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I don't know, a lot of the time, I talk to my closest friends about it.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13I don't know if I'm cut out for, like, showbiz and stuff.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Like, I know I can do it,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I know I can entertain but it's just a weird job, you know?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21The one thing I know for sure, I feel absolutely 100% certain,
0:15:21 > 0:15:25I don't ever want to be the subject of the last item on the news.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30That's the only thing I'm certain of. You know why?
0:15:30 > 0:15:36Because if you're the subject of the last item on the news,
0:15:36 > 0:15:39you are either pathetic or dead.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42There's no middle ground.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45There's no middle ground, it is either, "And finally...
0:15:47 > 0:15:50"Actor and comedian Doc Brown,
0:15:50 > 0:15:53"after 30 years of making us laugh and cry,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55"has died.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59"Alone. In his palatial home."
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Right, it's either that or it's...
0:16:01 > 0:16:06"And finally, actor and comedian Doc Brown,
0:16:06 > 0:16:10"after 30 years of making us laugh and cry,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13"has started keeping bees!"
0:16:13 > 0:16:17LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:23"His makeshift farm produces up to 3 jars a day,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"which he sells to friends and family."
0:16:29 > 0:16:34I don't want that. I don't want that. You know?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38And I talk to my friends and family about it.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41They say, "Hey, dude, listen, just
0:16:41 > 0:16:44"remember where you at, remember who you are, you know?"
0:16:44 > 0:16:46And that's helpful.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50You know, try and keep yourself grounded because if anybody can,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53my friends and family can. And it's a constant reminder,
0:16:53 > 0:16:58a constant reminder that your personal life is always,
0:16:58 > 0:17:02ALWAYS more important than your professional life.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Always. You know?
0:17:05 > 0:17:10It's the same reason, I guess, the same reason that in interviews,
0:17:10 > 0:17:17when people ask me, like, "Hey, what's your proudest moment in life?"
0:17:18 > 0:17:25It's always perennially really difficult not for me to say,
0:17:25 > 0:17:29going five days at Glastonbury without taking a shit.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31LAUGHTER
0:17:31 > 0:17:37Because THAT... That was a feat. That was a feat...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41..I'm very proud of.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45An incredible experience and an incredible example of mind
0:17:45 > 0:17:49over matter. You know?
0:17:49 > 0:17:54My brain just took one look at those toilets and just said, "No. No.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56"We don't do this. Not happening."
0:17:56 > 0:17:59And let me tell you something else as well, from the heart.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03That first poo that I took when I got home...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Dude, it was emotional.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09It was like... LAUGHTER
0:18:11 > 0:18:14But also, it was intense. It was...
0:18:14 > 0:18:18This is hard to say but it was a bit like,
0:18:18 > 0:18:22it felt a bit like being sexually assaulted from the inside out. OK?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25LAUGHTER
0:18:31 > 0:18:36And, dude, I turned around, I looked down
0:18:36 > 0:18:41and I felt pride. I'm not going to lie to you. I felt pride.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:50But then, as a result of the straining, I contracted piles.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55Which... LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:59I went into the GP, right?
0:18:59 > 0:19:04And, you know, they've heard it all before, so, straightaway,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06he was like, "Yeah, it's exactly what I thought it was,
0:19:06 > 0:19:10"it's piles and I'm going to write your prescription for this cream.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13"You're going to have to apply it yourself twice a day."
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Tears it off, hands it to me.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18The cream I've got to buy is called Anusol.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Anusol, right?
0:19:27 > 0:19:33So, as if this, this experience weren't devastating enough already,
0:19:33 > 0:19:37I've now, I've now got to walk out of here into
0:19:37 > 0:19:41a public arena and ask a stranger for
0:19:41 > 0:19:44a tube of Anusol!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48And the doctor says, well, actually, it's pronounced "An U sol".
0:19:48 > 0:19:52"An-U-sol, An-U-sol." I said, well, what's the point?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55What's the point in having the letters A-N-U-S
0:19:55 > 0:19:58so prominently featured?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01On a product that you're using on your anus if
0:20:01 > 0:20:03you're not going to pronounce it that way? You know?
0:20:03 > 0:20:07You're thinking about your anus when you go in to buy the cream,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10you've got your anus on your mind, of course you have.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13So when you see the letters A-N-U-S, in that order, you're not going to
0:20:13 > 0:20:16automatically think "An-use", are you? No!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19LAUGHTER
0:20:19 > 0:20:22And the doctor says to me, "Look, can you just leave my office,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24"I've got so many more patients to see."
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Right? NHS, you know, so, I mean, fair enough. I leave.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33And I go across the street to the pharmacy right opposite,
0:20:33 > 0:20:35approach the counter.
0:20:37 > 0:20:44MUMBLING: Yeah, erm, it's, erm, a prescription. Cream.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47"Excuse me?"
0:20:47 > 0:20:53MUMBLING: Prescription... "What's it for?" It's, it's a cream.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55It's called...
0:20:55 > 0:21:00SOFTLY: It's called "An-U-sol", it's called "An-U-sol".
0:21:00 > 0:21:04"Sorry, say it again?" An-U-sol, it's called " An-U-sol"!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07"OH! ANUS-OL!" LAUGHTER
0:21:07 > 0:21:10And see when he said that to me, that's when I thought,
0:21:10 > 0:21:14"Ah, OK, I know what's going on here. No, I understand now."
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I see it clear. I OVER-stand it.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19It's just a big game for all you lot, isn't it?
0:21:19 > 0:21:24The doctors, medicine guys, the pharmacists. Just a big laugh.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28At our expense. Just taking the mick.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30And you know how I knew for certain?
0:21:30 > 0:21:34Because when he turned around to get the tube off of the shelf
0:21:34 > 0:21:36behind him, I was watching him.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Right next to the tube of Anusol,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41there was another cream called Vagisil!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:48Right? So, so, so, when you've got a problem with your anus hole,
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Anusol. Right?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56And similarly, when your vag is ill...
0:21:56 > 0:22:00LAUGHTER
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Vagisil. These guys are taking the piss out of our lives.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08We're letting it happen!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I don't know.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17But, you know, I say, like I travel across the UK
0:22:17 > 0:22:21and I talk about how much I love it, and I'm not lying to you,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I do, I consider myself a patriot, you know?
0:22:24 > 0:22:29I love this country, I love the UK, I love being British because I
0:22:29 > 0:22:33think the people are progressive and I know, like, we moan about it,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35no matter what your politics are, right or left,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37liberal or conservative, so,
0:22:37 > 0:22:41everybody moans about our country, everybody moans about Britain.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Let me tell you something, do some travelling around the world.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47OK, there are countries that I've been to where you could get
0:22:47 > 0:22:49stoned to death for wearing the wrong shit. Right?
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Which is mental, you know? And don't get me wrong,
0:22:52 > 0:22:56there are some kids on my estate who are exclusively styled by JD Sports
0:22:56 > 0:23:01that I would love... I would love... LAUGHTER
0:23:01 > 0:23:06..to pelt with rocks, but we're better than that. We're better than that.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08We are better than that.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11We're in an amazing place and don't ever forget it.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Travel the world and you'll remember how good it is to be British.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16You've got it better than you ever could have dreamed.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19You know, but at the same time, we shouldn't get too smug.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23We really shouldn't. Because I got my smug liberal friends,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26they love comparing us to lesser places in their minds.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Like, America is a big one,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31they're always having a go at America, especially about race.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35"I tell you what, America, you know, done a lot of great things culturally,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"but they are in the Stone Age when it comes to race.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42"They are a million light years behind us on race, they really are."
0:23:42 > 0:23:46And I always think, "Yeah, dude, they had a black president for eight years."
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Eight years! Black! President! You know how amazing that is?
0:23:50 > 0:23:54You know, who have we got? Who have we got?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56LAUGHTER
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Dude, the closest thing we've got to a black leader in this
0:23:59 > 0:24:02country is probably Dizzee Rascal.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:08You know? And listen, I'm not saying I wouldn't vote for him.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Ha!
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Er, listen, his socioeconomic policies do leave
0:24:14 > 0:24:18a little to be desired but, tell you something,
0:24:18 > 0:24:22his stance on keeping your trainers looking fresh really speaks to me.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25LAUGHTER
0:24:25 > 0:24:29No, we've got, erm, we've got Chuka Umunna. That's who we've got. Yeah.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31We've got Chuka Umunna.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34That's right. Labour said, "You know what?
0:24:34 > 0:24:38"Let's find a dude with a name even blacker than Barack Obama."
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Just see what happens. LAUGHTER
0:24:39 > 0:24:42see what happens... You never know.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46I sometimes wonder if Chuka listens to rap, you know?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49I'm sure I'm going to meet him one day and I feel like it would
0:24:49 > 0:24:52be a meeting of the minds or the foreheads, you know.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55LAUGHTER I'd love to know.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Because you never know, he could be one of those politicians who
0:24:58 > 0:25:01just totally just discounts rap.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04The whole genre, just totally no interest whatsoever.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I don't think you can discredit a whole genre of anything
0:25:06 > 0:25:09because that kind of ignores that there are sub-genres
0:25:09 > 0:25:13underneath that umbrella that can be as different from
0:25:13 > 0:25:15each other as, you know, like,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I mean, there's sub-genres of rap that are as different to each
0:25:18 > 0:25:21other as like classical and metal music. You know, it's nuts.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Like, you can have intelligent rap, rap that you consider intelligent.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Might not necessarily be good, might be amazing, might be shit.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32You know? You can have intelligent rap that is boring as hell.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36You can have dumb rap that's incredibly entertaining. You know?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Some of my favourite rap is dumb as hell, man.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Some of the dumbest shit I've ever heard and I can't deny I love
0:25:42 > 0:25:46it, it's entertaining. You know? You know like those dudes who have, like,
0:25:46 > 0:25:50just discovered metaphor and simile, like TODAY? You know those guys?
0:25:50 > 0:25:54LAUGHTER Oh, love those dudes, man! They're my favourite guys, you know?
0:25:54 > 0:25:58# So much ice on my watch, I could freeze time! #
0:25:58 > 0:26:01LAUGHTER
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Bruv, I don't think you heard me.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I said, so much ICE on my WATCH,
0:26:11 > 0:26:16I could FREEZE...TIME!
0:26:18 > 0:26:22LAUGHTER
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Do you see what I'm saying?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26So, essentially, yeah, essentially, cuz, are you following, yeah?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Essentially, yeah, essentially, the hands of time are what, bruv?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Are what? Frozen.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Yeah? Frozen. And what is the nature of ice, cuz? It's cold, bruv!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38It's too deep!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40It's too deep, cuz! It's too deep for certain heads!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Oh, yeah! Blood, whoo...
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Bruv, I'm havin' visions, cuz!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Whoo! It's too deep for certain heads, cuz.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Man's having visions. LAUGHTER
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Ladies and gents, that's the show. That is the show.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59That's basically how it ends. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Erm, yeah, that's... That is it.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05HE CHUCKLES
0:27:05 > 0:27:08A bit weird, innit?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Bit of a weird ending.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Bit of a weird ending but there you go, there you go. You know...
0:27:14 > 0:27:19Erm, yeah, that's it, you know, just go in peace, you know.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22That's it, enjoy your lives. LAUGHTER
0:27:22 > 0:27:25And I mean lives, because I'm never going to see you again,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28that's not going to happen. You know? Enjoy it. Enjoy it.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32And don't enjoy your lives because someone told you life is short, all right?
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Don't feel like, "Oh, YOLO, you know, who cares?"
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Don't enjoy life because life is short.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43Enjoy it because it's long and it's boring as hell, all right?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46So, just make the most.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50I'll tell you what is fleeting, what is fleeting is love and happiness.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52When those two come past,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55you should grab hold of them and try not to let them go, all right?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Now, listen, you lot have been great, I love you,
0:27:57 > 0:28:01my name is Doc Brown. I'm out of here. Peace.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:20 > 0:28:23ROCK MUSIC