0:00:29 > 0:00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Hello!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Hello!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Thank you very much. Hello, everyone.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52I'm John Robins, and thank you very much for having me here.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54A remarkable vibe!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- Whoo!- Ooh!- Hm! Er...
0:00:56 > 0:00:59A relatively good vibe.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02That's what I like in a room, just a sort of, you know,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05"We like you but you're going to have to earn it!"
0:01:06 > 0:01:11So, er...the show begins thus.
0:01:14 > 0:01:22My girlfriend went away for four weeks to Australia,
0:01:22 > 0:01:26and in the run-up to her going away,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29she was very concerned about how we'd cope, OK,
0:01:29 > 0:01:33how we'd cope with the emotional wrench of being apart
0:01:33 > 0:01:38for that long, how we'd cope with the time difference,
0:01:38 > 0:01:42how we'd manage to stay in touch regularly over that time,
0:01:42 > 0:01:47and there were a lot of discussions about that before she left.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50I...
0:01:52 > 0:01:55..sort of less worried about that, to be honest.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58But she was very concerned.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03What I was mainly thinking in the run-up to my girlfriend
0:02:03 > 0:02:05going to Australia for four weeks was...
0:02:07 > 0:02:11"Whey! Weeey! Lads, lads, lads!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14"Down the pub! Glug glug glug!"
0:02:14 > 0:02:16That's a pint glass, by the way.
0:02:21 > 0:02:26So the minute she's out the door, I'm straight on the old blower.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28The iBlower 6!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Scrolling down through the Rolodex of legends.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Who's first for the big swig?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Michael. Yes, please!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Confirmed boozer.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41It's ringing.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Booze brothers.
0:02:46 > 0:02:51Hey, Michael, it's Robins! Lads, lads, lads! Glug, glug, glug!
0:02:51 > 0:02:52A pint glass, yes.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Mate, she's gone! You and me, four weeks, drinking till dawn!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01What? Why are we whispering?
0:03:03 > 0:03:08I know it's after ten. Ten is the hour of legends.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Right.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12What does it matter if it's asleep?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Oh, I thought you'd bought a dog!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Because Bonnie is a dog's name.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29But you can still come round, can't you?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31A week on Friday?!
0:03:31 > 0:03:35No! I'll be dead a week on Friday.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Swigged to death in my prime.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Well, can't you get a baby-sitter?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Well, put it in the boot!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Hello?
0:03:47 > 0:03:52And it turns out, he's not available, right?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54A lot of the big dogs not available!
0:03:54 > 0:03:59Have to scroll down a bit further through the Rolodex of legends.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I then find myself wandering into the realm of acquaintances.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06At one low moment, I even considered joining LinkedIn!
0:04:08 > 0:04:12And it begins to dawn on me, in my arrogance,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I've just assumed for the past three years my mates have been
0:04:15 > 0:04:18huddled round their calendars waiting for the master
0:04:18 > 0:04:22to free up four weeks of drinking time - turns out they've moved on!
0:04:22 > 0:04:28Their girlfriends aren't away, their kids exist... Eg, right,
0:04:28 > 0:04:32they've got jobs now. Proper jobs, like adult jobs.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Not adult jobs...adult jobs,
0:04:35 > 0:04:40eg, right, a girl I kissed when I was 17,
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I found out recently is now headmistress of a primary school!
0:04:46 > 0:04:50What is that?! That's not a job for bright young things!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53We're still young! Her name's Layla!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Layla's not headmistress of a primary school!
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Sue!
0:05:03 > 0:05:10Sue is headmistress of a primary school! Gill! Pam! Not Layla!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Layla had a tattoo, she had a lip piercing,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15she looked as if she'd like it up the...
0:05:15 > 0:05:19She can't be...headmistress of a primary school!
0:05:19 > 0:05:24So I put the phone down and it hits me
0:05:24 > 0:05:30like a train that the only thing that makes my life fun
0:05:30 > 0:05:37and engaging and bearable has left not just the country
0:05:37 > 0:05:42but the hemisphere for a month,
0:05:42 > 0:05:48and I'm passing my bathroom and I caught my reflection in the mirror,
0:05:48 > 0:05:52and there was just this moment of utter self-awareness
0:05:52 > 0:06:02where I saw my reflection and thought, "Oh, God, no! Not you!
0:06:02 > 0:06:08"Not you and your thoughts for a whole month! I hate you!
0:06:08 > 0:06:12"You're the reason we had to get a girlfriend in the first place!
0:06:12 > 0:06:18"Cos this doesn't work! We tried this. Remember this?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21"This goes to the Polish shop at four in the afternoon,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24"buys cherry vodka and drinks it on the way home!"
0:06:27 > 0:06:32And my mind begins to fill with all the everyday things that lose
0:06:32 > 0:06:34their magic when she's not there,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37because that's what I think love is, you know?
0:06:37 > 0:06:41We've been told that love is this sort of Facebook cover photo
0:06:41 > 0:06:44of a couple drinking a cocktail at sunset in front of
0:06:44 > 0:06:48the Eiffel Tower, but when did that last happen?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Love is a daily thing, you know, it's a domestic thing,
0:06:51 > 0:06:55it's those little injections of fun that make you realise you're with
0:06:55 > 0:06:59the right person, like when they sneak behind you when you're
0:06:59 > 0:07:04washing up and jib you in the ribs, and you're like, "Argh! Jesus!
0:07:04 > 0:07:08"Don't want jibbing in the ribs while I'm washing up, actually!"
0:07:08 > 0:07:10But secretly you want them to cos it's fun.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13And you flick a bit of water out the washing up at them.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15That's what keeps the darkness at bay!
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Or when you talk them down from the ledge when the binbag splits.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24That's why we have people in our lives, isn't it?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26The other day,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29she was emptying the bin and I knew it was going to split cos she
0:07:29 > 0:07:34doesn't buy heavy-duty binbags cos she doesn't listen to me, and she's
0:07:34 > 0:07:37lifting the bag out of the bin
0:07:37 > 0:07:45and the main sort of refuse heft zone is staying where it is.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Meanwhile, the bag itself is just stretching,
0:07:49 > 0:07:53getting clearer and clearer till it's little more than a shadow,
0:07:53 > 0:07:57and I think, "Well, that binbag's going to split but I can't tell her cos I've learned,"
0:07:57 > 0:08:04and she takes it downstairs and about halfway down I hear
0:08:04 > 0:08:10this cry, this shrill... Shrill is the word.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12A sound I've not heard my girlfriend make before,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15cos I'm not much in the bedroom.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I thought, "Well, that binbag's split, hasn't it?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20"Time to go and lighten the atmos
0:08:20 > 0:08:23"with a few choice quips about why we use heavy-duty binbags."
0:08:27 > 0:08:31My favourite thing in the world is when it'll be like
0:08:31 > 0:08:32a Tuesday night, a week night,
0:08:32 > 0:08:36and we've stayed up late watching something on Netflix, and I've not
0:08:36 > 0:08:40mentioned how hot any of the female characters are,
0:08:40 > 0:08:46cos I have learned, turns out no matter how fictional Kalinda from
0:08:46 > 0:08:50The Good Wife, she is still a real world threat to our relationship.
0:08:53 > 0:08:59And an episode ends, and we turn to each other and both of us
0:08:59 > 0:09:03wants one thing more than anything else on Earth...
0:09:03 > 0:09:08One of us will say, "Can we watch another one?"
0:09:09 > 0:09:14And every time, the response is the same. "Yeah.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20"We can watch another one. And maybe another one after that."
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Holy shit!
0:09:23 > 0:09:28Yes, please! More of that in my life!
0:09:28 > 0:09:34However, you take her out of that scenario...
0:09:34 > 0:09:36a much bleaker scene awaits.
0:09:38 > 0:09:45Without her, that is me sat on a beanbag
0:09:45 > 0:09:51surrounded by empty cans of diet Coke and half a bottle of rum,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54at quarter past one in the morning,
0:09:54 > 0:10:01watching credits roll, thinking, "Oh, God.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04"You're going to watch another one, aren't you?
0:10:04 > 0:10:10"Oh, John, you've already watched five in a row! Christ, man!
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"You have no self-control, John!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16"You've got things to do tomorrow.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20"God, you're a child!
0:10:20 > 0:10:24"Hm. And you've got Bombay mix all down you.
0:10:26 > 0:10:32"How have you got Bombay mix all down you? Ah.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37"You ate that Bombay mix, didn't you? Oh, John.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43"That's been in the drawer since we moved in.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50"John, you've just eaten the previous tenant's Bombay mix.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56"Does Bombay mix go off?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02"I don't suppose it does, really, does it?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04"It goes soft.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06"Like a biscuit.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13"Cos biscuits go soft, but cakes go hard.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"I don't...
0:11:16 > 0:11:18"People don't think that's important
0:11:18 > 0:11:22"but it has ramifications for tax purposes,
0:11:22 > 0:11:28"cos there's VAT on biscuits but not on cakes.
0:11:28 > 0:11:36"Or is it the other way round? Is it VAT on cakes but not on biscuits?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39"Oh, God, not this again!
0:11:39 > 0:11:46"Oh, God, the endless biscuit-cake VAT debate that rages in your brain!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49"Christ, man! Google it or forget about it!
0:11:50 > 0:11:55"Oh, you, always, you - your thoughts going round and round!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58"Your head is like a sewer, man!
0:11:58 > 0:12:02"In 1997, I read an interview with Johnny Vaughan.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05"He said the only way he could deal with the mornings was to get
0:12:05 > 0:12:08"in the shower as quickly as possible.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13I've thought about that interview every time I've had a shower since 1997!
0:12:13 > 0:12:18"That's over 7,000 times I've thought about Johnny Vaughan in the shower.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21"Imagine being me!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24"My girlfriend asked me why we never had sex in the shower
0:12:24 > 0:12:29"and I'm not man enough to tell her it's because he's there!
0:12:40 > 0:12:46"Put another one on. Block this out. God.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50"Oh, it's going to be two more rum and diet Cokes.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54"You never pour singles.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58"You always pour home measures.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02"Like they talk about in health reports.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10"What they never mention is that home measures taste better,
0:13:10 > 0:13:12"cos it's got more booze in it.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18"That means My Fitness Pal's going to hear about this sordid little affair."
0:13:20 > 0:13:25For four weeks, My Fitness Pal was my only pal!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Don't know if you're familiar with My Fitness Pal.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36It's an app, and you put into it all the food that you eat
0:13:36 > 0:13:38so you never have to exercise.
0:13:42 > 0:13:47And the reason it's my best friend is cos it'll tell me
0:13:47 > 0:13:51when I'm approaching my daily salt limit,
0:13:51 > 0:13:55but says absolutely nothing about eight rum and diet Cokes.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Which, if I'm honest with you,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00is all I'm really looking for in a friend.
0:14:00 > 0:14:05Just someone who every so often taps you on the shoulder and goes,
0:14:05 > 0:14:09"Hey, there, cowboy, just FYI,
0:14:09 > 0:14:13"that half bag of 2012 Bombay mix
0:14:13 > 0:14:18"has put you within nudging distance of 2,600 milligrams of sodium.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23"Now, what's that, I hear you ask - well, these aren't my figures -
0:14:23 > 0:14:26"these are EU figures.
0:14:26 > 0:14:32"2,600 milligrams of sodium is your daily salt limit, so, er,
0:14:32 > 0:14:37"maybe steer clear of the old salt from here on in. Not a problem.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40"Not a problem. Catch you later, Captain Big Dick.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45"What's that? Bottle of Captain Morgans?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47"Fucking go for it, you legend!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50"There's no salt in it, mate!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52"Yeah! Tis the genius of rum!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57"Last thing you want on the high seas is a salty drink.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02"Especially when you're already surrounded by 'seamen.'"
0:15:02 > 0:15:06You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09That joke is included in the ticket price.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16Now, we did have one tricky day.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Requires a bit of back story, the old tricky day.
0:15:24 > 0:15:30You see, my girlfriend is making a stand.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Oh, yeah.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40And she's refusing to buy an iPhone.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43No way, Jose!
0:15:43 > 0:15:47You're not going to snare her in your corporate web, Apple!
0:15:49 > 0:15:56Because she's read articles, actually. Hm. Hm. Hm.
0:15:56 > 0:16:01Articles that you and I probably haven't taken the time to read.
0:16:01 > 0:16:07And, the way she's avoided having to buy an iPhone is she's got
0:16:07 > 0:16:12a six-year-old Nokia and an iPod Touch.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Take that, Apple!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24How do you like them apples?
0:16:28 > 0:16:33And her thinking on this is very simple, OK?
0:16:33 > 0:16:38She's going to use the six-year-old Nokia for calls and texts
0:16:38 > 0:16:44and the iPod Touch for internet when she has access to Wi-Fi.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47"I've got a question, John." Do go ahead.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50"What does she do for internet when she doesn't have access to Wi-Fi?"
0:16:50 > 0:16:55Great question, and I'm going to field that one first, if I may.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01When she doesn't have access to Wi-Fi,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04she will check the internet on my iPhone.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10And it's a system that suits us both cos it tends to only really
0:17:10 > 0:17:13come up about 20 to 30 times a day.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19And the more I suggest life might be a touch easier were she to
0:17:19 > 0:17:23buy an iPhone, the more it hardens her resolve not to,
0:17:23 > 0:17:26and in fact, me telling my girlfriend to buy an iPhone
0:17:26 > 0:17:30has made it onto her list of the most passive-aggressive things I say.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Which includes, amongst others,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38"I think you look best in whatever's quickest to put on..."
0:17:43 > 0:17:48..and, "Did you know you can control individual radiators?"
0:17:55 > 0:17:58So, she's on my phone a lot, right?
0:18:00 > 0:18:07Two weeks after she left, I received a text from my girlfriend.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10What a lovely treat.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Always nice to receive a text from your partner when they're away.
0:18:13 > 0:18:18I'm going to repeat the text for you, OK,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21and we're going to play a game - just a little, fun game, all right?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24What we're going to do is we're just going to see if we can spot
0:18:24 > 0:18:29where in the text it moves to all capital letters.
0:18:31 > 0:18:37Not going to tell you when. It's just a fun game. It's a fun game for us to play in our own heads, OK?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39The text said,
0:18:39 > 0:18:45"Hey, I must have left myself signed in to Gmail on your iPhone
0:18:45 > 0:18:50"because I can see everything you've looked at on the internet for the past three months."
0:18:56 > 0:19:01Fuck! Fuck! Shit!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03The bed, mate!
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Holy shit!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09No!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Arrgh!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17That can't happen!
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Let me tell you a little cautionary tale.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30I use Yahoo mail and my girlfriend uses Gmail.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I don't know how we make it work - we just do.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39But Yahoo mail, big funny Yahoo mail, you sign into that,
0:19:39 > 0:19:41what you got there? I'll tell you what you got -
0:19:41 > 0:19:46got your e-mails, nice. Crucially, once you've finished reading those,
0:19:46 > 0:19:50when you close that window down, you are out of there.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Your business with Yahoo is now at an end.
0:19:54 > 0:20:00However, unbeknownst to me and my girlfriend -
0:20:00 > 0:20:03that is the crucial word in this story - unbeknownst -
0:20:03 > 0:20:08when you sign into Gmail,
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Google, right, cos he's nice,
0:20:12 > 0:20:18signs you into a myriad of other services, OK?
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Signs you into YouTube, all right?
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Cos that's clear that they're affiliated, isn't it, cos of the name?
0:20:30 > 0:20:36Signs you into Google Circle, whatever the merry fuck that is.
0:20:41 > 0:20:48Now, I'm no IT whiz, but I'm pretty sure Google Circle hasn't worked out the way they planned.
0:20:49 > 0:20:54As far as I'm aware, the only person actually using Google Circle
0:20:54 > 0:20:56is a guy I kind of knew at uni,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59and like every week, I get a little message going,
0:20:59 > 0:21:04"Hey, James wants to hang out on Google Circle." And I'm like, "Well, he ain't gonna!"
0:21:04 > 0:21:06And his photo's intense.
0:21:08 > 0:21:17And then, somehow, Google signs you into the internet itself.
0:21:19 > 0:21:25What it does from there on in, is keeps a list...
0:21:27 > 0:21:29..of every website you visit...
0:21:31 > 0:21:34..every search term you enter,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36every image...
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Every image...
0:21:43 > 0:21:50..takes that list, hides it in your girlfriend's internet settings,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53that list gets deleted every never...
0:21:56 > 0:22:01..presumably so that when your girlfried is on the other side of the world
0:22:01 > 0:22:06trying to work out how to set up an out-of-office automated reply,
0:22:06 > 0:22:12she goes into her internet settings and goes, "Right, how do I do this?
0:22:12 > 0:22:17"Oh. Huh! Bloody internet history here. Didn't know they kept that.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19"What have I been looking at?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30"That's very strange.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33"I don't remember doing...
0:22:33 > 0:22:37"a Google image search for Kalinda from The Good Wife nude.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45"Hang on!
0:22:45 > 0:22:46"This can't be right.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51"I never spent an hour reading Amazon binbag reviews.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59"God, I think my internet's been hacked!
0:23:00 > 0:23:02"But by who?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06"Some kind of horny dustman?!
0:23:08 > 0:23:12"Hang on! Kalinda from The Good Wife.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14"Binbags!
0:23:14 > 0:23:18"This is John's internet history!"
0:23:18 > 0:23:23So she starts sending me screengrabs,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26so she's got some fucking Wi-Fi...
0:23:29 > 0:23:36..and she's just sending all of the boring stuff I've been wasting the last two days of my life with,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38but I know what she's going to find
0:23:38 > 0:23:41if she goes back to two weeks earlier!
0:23:41 > 0:23:46I know what happened the night she left when none of my friends were around! I was alone in the world!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I had been to the Polish shop!
0:23:48 > 0:23:54So I need to get online ASAP, delete the trail, delete the trail!
0:23:54 > 0:24:00So I run over to my laptop, I turn that on, but it needs updates - course it sodding does!
0:24:00 > 0:24:05£1,200, it needs updates every bloody week, so I'm on my phone
0:24:05 > 0:24:07and I'm desperately double-tapping
0:24:07 > 0:24:10between these screengrabs she's sending,
0:24:10 > 0:24:15these chronicles of a harrowed man, and my open internet windows,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18and I'm scrolling back through them and eventually I find the one
0:24:18 > 0:24:20where I'm signed into her Gmail as her,
0:24:20 > 0:24:25and in the top corner it says, "Want to sign out?" And I'm like, "Yeah, I think so!"
0:24:25 > 0:24:28And I hit "sign out" and as my finger hits the screen,
0:24:28 > 0:24:32it dawns on me, that's where you need to be to delete the trail!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37And I haven't got the password to get back in!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40And then I had my first-ever panic attack.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Oh-ho! They're a treat!
0:24:46 > 0:24:51Cos it turns out a panic attack is where you can't breathe and you think you're going to die.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55It is drowning and falling and drowning and falling.
0:24:55 > 0:25:02I'm just... Fuck off, Google! Fuck off!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I didn't invite you round my house!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09You're not my friend, you piece of shit!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I only wanted Google for the calendar...
0:25:14 > 0:25:16..and the image search sometimes.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19The calendar's good.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21You put into it all your appointments.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23MOT.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Gives you a little reminder.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Dentist.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Christian holidays. It's great.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I haven't missed Whitsun since 2009.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41But I felt so exposed.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43It's worse than someone having access to your thoughts,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45you know, cos I think we'd all agree,
0:25:45 > 0:25:49you don't have control over your thoughts, they just pop into your head, you dismiss half of them
0:25:49 > 0:25:51and think, "Oh, that's a bit racist!"
0:25:54 > 0:26:03For two weeks, I had this terrible fear that she would see my internet history as like the real me,
0:26:03 > 0:26:07a kind of sort of secret diary that I was keeping from her,
0:26:07 > 0:26:11but, you know, my internet history isn't me. It has no nuance,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14it has no context, it has no humanity.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17It's just boredom and childishness.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19And grisly horniness.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26And she came home, she opens the door and immediately it became clear
0:26:26 > 0:26:29that we weren't going to have to have any type of conversation
0:26:29 > 0:26:33because she'd done the most amazing thing my girlfriend's ever done for me,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36and it may sound like a small thing,
0:26:36 > 0:26:41is what she'd done is once she'd taken screengrabs to tease me about the fact
0:26:41 > 0:26:46that I once spent two hours watching Fruit Ninja Walkthough videos on YouTube...
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Yes, sensei.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54..she deleted the entirety of the rest of my history
0:26:54 > 0:26:57without looking at it once, and it was amazing for two reasons.
0:26:57 > 0:27:04Firstly, because it meant that in an instant, she had seen and understood the internet for what it is,
0:27:04 > 0:27:08which is a two-dimensional representation of three-dimensional people,
0:27:08 > 0:27:11a place that can often be full of emojis
0:27:11 > 0:27:15and absolutely devoid of emotions, where the way it's designed
0:27:15 > 0:27:20can often be geared to display us in our worst possible light.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24And secondly it was amazing because it meant that she never, ever
0:27:24 > 0:27:28had to face up to the depressing reality
0:27:28 > 0:27:32that shortly after her leaving to go to Australia for four weeks,
0:27:32 > 0:27:37her boyfriend was Googling, "Layla, fit headmistress"
0:27:37 > 0:27:41on MySpace,
0:27:41 > 0:27:47Instagram, Facebook and BeBo.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Thank you very much!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Thank you, folks!
0:28:00 > 0:28:04I've been John Robins. Goodnight, goodbye!
0:28:22 > 0:28:26Subtitles by Ericsson