0:00:22 > 0:00:26HORSE HOOVES CLOP
0:00:26 > 0:00:29RAIN FALLS
0:00:47 > 0:00:49LAUGHTER
0:00:54 > 0:00:57LAUGHTER
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Bleeding birds!
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Go, get out of here! Go on, clear off!
0:01:25 > 0:01:26SOOT FALLS
0:01:26 > 0:01:29HE COUGHS
0:01:56 > 0:02:01And it's Harold Steptoe! He's going for the record.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03It looks like he's going to make it.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05And he's done it!
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Thank you, thank you! I know, on my first race.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Dad?
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Dad!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Dad, are you up there?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22I'm home.
0:02:25 > 0:02:33# Mademoiselle from Armentieres, parlez-vous
0:02:33 > 0:02:35# Mademoiselle from Armentieres
0:02:35 > 0:02:41# Hasn't been washed for 20 years, inky pinky parlez-vous... #
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I don't believe it.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46HE CONTINUES HUMMING
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Here! What's your game? Close them curtains!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Dad.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58I forgot, I completely forgot, it went right out of my mind.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00What are you talking about?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I haven't got you a present.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Present? What for?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Your birthday, of course. I'd completely forgot.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12# Happy birthday to you
0:03:12 > 0:03:15# Happy birthday, dear Father... #
0:03:15 > 0:03:18It's not my birthday!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Not your birthday? Come on, Dad, it's got to be.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22You're having a wash.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27# Happy birthday to you. #
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Very funny! I can have a wash if I want.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Well, you've never used my shower cabinet before.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I've never had half a tonne of soot fall on me before.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Bleeding birds!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Well, you're lucky it was just soot. Bleh!
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Well, now you're in there, how do you like it?
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Ah, it's all right.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Now, I don't want you to think that I am interfering, but I feel
0:03:53 > 0:03:57it might be much more efficacious if you took your pants off.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I am not taking my pants off for anybody!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Someone might come in.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Oh, no.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Dad. Not the washing up!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10We've got to use those!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Well, there's no point in wasting good hot water.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13You had hot water put in up here
0:04:13 > 0:04:16but not down in the kitchen where I need it.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18It's a wonder you don't have your laundry in there with you.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Or your rubber plants. HE SCOFFS
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Come on out of there!
0:04:21 > 0:04:26That's my shower! I shan't have dirty old men abluting in it.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I did not ablute in it!
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Come on out!
0:04:31 > 0:04:35It'll be like Southend with the tide out by the time you've finished.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38We'll be able to breed a few thousand lugworms in there.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I've nearly finished. It's good, isn't it?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Better than that old tin bath.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45How much did it cost?
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Oh, not much.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47180 quid.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50180 quid?! Just to have a wash?!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52You want your brains tested.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55How much is that per wash?
0:04:55 > 0:05:01Well, that would depend on how many times you used it in your lifetime.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03If it was yours, it would cost you...
0:05:05 > 0:05:06..90 quid a time.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Yeah.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13But, seeing as it's mine and I use it twice a day, practically nothing.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16In any case, I got a grant off of the council,
0:05:16 > 0:05:20on account of we're on the list as a deprived family.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Now I know the ropes,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I'm going to clobber them for an indoor khazi next.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27And the money I get from them can go towards my holiday.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Are you coming out of there?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31I shan't be long.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I ain't done my privates yet.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I'm surprised you're taking the chance.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Seeing as the effect that film Psycho had on you.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44What do you mean?
0:05:44 > 0:05:50Supposing I was a homicidal maniac and I crept in here while you
0:05:50 > 0:05:54were in the shower and I pulled out a big knife.
0:05:55 > 0:06:01And I crept up to the shower and pulled back the curtain...and...
0:06:01 > 0:06:02HE SCREAMS
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Get out! Go away!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Your pants wouldn't be much protection, would they?
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Oh, Harold, don't!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Stop playing about!
0:06:10 > 0:06:11No-one would know.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14The blood would run away down the plughole.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Oh, stop it, Harold! It's not funny!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19The perfect opportunity to get rid of you.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I disappear without a trace, and then,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25when there are about 200 milk bottles on the doorstep,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27the police would break in, and what would they find?
0:06:27 > 0:06:31A bloodless corpse lying on the floor of the shower bath,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34surrounded by washing up and rubber plants.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39"Strange ritual in Shepherd's Bush junkyard.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44"Inspector Lestrade says, 'The man was a human sacrifice.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47" 'We are on the trail of a gang of black witches.' "
0:06:47 > 0:06:51They'd bury you in unconsecrated ground.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52You're barmy!
0:06:52 > 0:06:53You're up the twist!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56What did you say? Ah, nothing, nothing!
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I'm not mad, I just want my mother.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03No, no, no, no, no, no!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05You're frightened, aren't you?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Oh, you've got a big shake on, look at you.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Come on out, dry yourself.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12You'll catch pneumonia.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14You callous little bleeder!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I bet you're cold now, ain't you?
0:07:20 > 0:07:21All them layers of dirt gone.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Be like shedding your winter skin.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31You were scared silly then, weren't you?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Petrified of dying, you are. Well, of course I am!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Well, I don't know why.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38You've had your three score years and ten.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39You're on borrowed time as it is.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I can't understand why you want to hang on, to be honest.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I mean you've got no teeth, you can't chew your meat,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48your eyes are going home, you're too old for a bit of nookie...
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Who is?!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51You are.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I don't see why you bother.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58In a well-organised, less sentimental society,
0:07:58 > 0:08:00you would've been put down.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Yeah. Or if you don't fancy that,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04you could always go in for the old cryogenics.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05What's that?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Well, when you conk out, they bung you in the deep freeze,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12and then, in 100 years' time or so, they open up the drawer,
0:08:12 > 0:08:18warm you up and Bob's your uncle - alive in the year 2070.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Albert Steptoe - interplanetary junkman.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26The first totter on Mars.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31Here he comes, hurtling through space on his rocket full of rubbish.
0:08:31 > 0:08:350100 hours estimated splashdown, Clapham Common pond.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37What do you reckon?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I'll put you in the fridge now if you like.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I can move all the shelves out.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42What are you up to?
0:08:42 > 0:08:43What do you mean?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47I know you. Whenever you go ranting about me being a burden
0:08:47 > 0:08:50and wanting to get rid of me, it's because you want to
0:08:50 > 0:08:53do something and you think I'll be in your way.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I don't know what you're talking about.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Hold on.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59What holiday?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Pardon? The money you're going to get from the council,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05you said you were going to put it towards your holiday.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Did I? Yes, you did.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12All right, then, I am going on holiday.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I thought so. Without me?
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Well, I wouldn't put it like that. I'm just going on my own.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Without me! Well, if you want to put that interpretation on it.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Well, what other interpretation is there?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26If you're going on your own, you're going without me.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I didn't think of it as going without you,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I just thought of it as going on my own.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33It's the same thing. Only if you think that we are indivisible!
0:09:33 > 0:09:34And I don't.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37You are you, and I am me, and I didn't even think about you!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER
0:09:57 > 0:09:59That's nice, that is.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03You spend nearly 40 years of your life bringing up a baby,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05and then they don't think about you.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10I didn't think of you in terms of my holiday. That's all.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12In any case, where I'm going wouldn't appeal to you.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17I'm not going for a restful holiday, I'm going for an athletic holiday.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19You dirty little sod!
0:10:19 > 0:10:23LAUGHTER
0:10:23 > 0:10:25There are other forms of athletics.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27When are you going?! Next week.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Next week?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30It's the middle of winter.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33There's nothing happening in Bognor in February.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I'm not going to Bognor.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36We always go to Bognor!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Well, I'm not.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I am going to Obergurgl.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Ober-where?!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Gurgl!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Well, I've heard of everywhere on the south coast,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51but I've never heard of Obergurgl.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52It's in Austria.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54What do you want to go to Austria for?!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56What's wrong with Bognor?
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Well, Dad, with the best will in the world,
0:11:01 > 0:11:06it is very difficult to go skiing in Bognor, at any time of the year.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Skiing?! You?!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12HE SNIGGERS
0:11:12 > 0:11:13And why not?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I've always wanted to go on a skiing holiday.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I've just never been able to afford the gear. It's very pricey.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23So I've been collecting bits here and bits there off of the round.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28All I was missing was my ski sticks, then, this morning,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I picked up these for 15 bob. Look.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Where'd you put your feet?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42You don't put your feet on these. These are for your hands.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45These are very important if you want to...
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Well, if you want to...move, for instance.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I've got the lot now.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55I've got hats and anoraks, trousers, boots, sweaters,
0:11:55 > 0:11:59all from some old bird whose husband was killed by an avalanche.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Well, not exactly by an avalanche.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Apparently, he saw it coming.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08And was going 60mph down the Zugspitze,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11and tried to go around both sides of a pine at once.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Bit of luck he was my size, really, otherwise I wouldn't be able to go.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Look at this gear.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20She had it all cleaned.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Not a bloodstain left on it.
0:12:22 > 0:12:2450 bob, the lot.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Well pleased, she was. Only been worn the once.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33Now, these...are my means of transport.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40LAUGHTER
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Look at that workmanship, huh?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Feel that finish.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Racing skis, these are.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48They're different colours.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Well, I'm going to paint one, ain't I?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53That one's longer than that one.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Well, I'll cut a bit off, won't I?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Well, if you want to look a berk, that's up to you.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I am not going to look a berk!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05There won't be anyone better dressed out there than me.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Not even the Aga Khan, mate.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10No, but I bet he won't be wearing welding goggles.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Oh, give me those back!
0:13:16 > 0:13:20You...you had to pick on the one thing, didn't you?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24These are a stopgap, that's all.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I shall hire a pair when I get to Obergurgl.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Obergurgl.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31It's a lovely place, Dad.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Look, I've got a brochure.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36All the best people go there.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41Society people, the jet set, international playboys.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Look, here we are.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Eight to 15 days for 23 and a half guineas, including air fare.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Blimey.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51That's going to blow a big hole in the Aga Khan's pocket, isn't it?
0:13:51 > 0:13:55I suppose he's going to be flying out from Luton with you(!)
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Now, look, you.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02If this derisory attitude persists, I shall have
0:14:02 > 0:14:06no alternative but to stuff this ski stick right up your nostril.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Now, where were we? Obergurgl.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14It's a very beautiful place.
0:14:14 > 0:14:20Look at it - all laying out there on the veranda in its bikinis.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25I can't wait to get out there amongst all that suntanned crumpet.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27There's plenty of crumpet over here.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Well, I want brown crumpet.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32There ain't no brown crumpets in England in February.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33There's plenty round here.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36We're the only white family left in the street.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Look, Dad, I am going, so you might as well get used to it.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I mean, I don't get much out of life.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I didn't have a holiday last year. It'll only be for two weeks.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51And what about the business?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52What business?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55We never do much this time of year.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Shut the place up.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Why don't you go away as well?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Where would I go?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Well, your sister.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03You're always complaining you never see her.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Why don't you go and see your sister up in Stoke?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Stoke?! In the middle of February?!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11It'll be crowded, I'd never get in.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18There's some lovely countryside around there.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I am not going to Stoke-on-Trent in February!
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Oh, well.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27I have made my suggestion. You go where you like.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31So long as you keep away from Obergurgl.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I wouldn't be in the way.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39You're not coming.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Anyway, you can't.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Even if I wanted you to come, you can't. And I don't.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46I got the last booking.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50There isn't an empty bed in the whole of Obergurgl.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51I could sleep in yours.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54You're not intending to spend very much time in it.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59You're not coming and that's final.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01You don't want to take me anywhere these days.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05What do you mean, "These days"?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I've never wanted to take you anywhere!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I just can't get rid of you!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11This happens every year.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I've never had a holiday on my own yet.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18The last time I went abroad on my own was to Germany.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19With the Army.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23And that was touch and go - you wanted to join up then.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Everywhere I go, you're there.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Every time I turn around, you're there.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Can't even go to the bleeding lavatory without you
0:16:31 > 0:16:32waiting outside.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35You follow me everywhere, it's not natural.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36I don't. You do!
0:16:36 > 0:16:37That's not true!
0:16:38 > 0:16:41LAUGHTER
0:16:41 > 0:16:42Where are you going?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44See?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I'm going to the kitchen, and you're following me.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49No, I'm not, I...I wanted to go in the kitchen as well.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Oh?
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Oh, go on, then. I'll wait.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55You go in the kitchen and I'll wait out here.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08See?! HE SHRIEKS
0:17:08 > 0:17:10You didn't want to go in the kitchen, did you?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12You were following me! Well, I thought we was talking.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Oh, I know how the horse feels now when she's sweating.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Doesn't matter how far she runs, she can't get rid of those flies.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24All I want is a fortnight on my own
0:17:24 > 0:17:28with no...flies buzzing around me, all right?
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Yes.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I understand.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I mean, if I have a good holiday,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I might even be glad to see you when I get back.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41For a few days.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43I shall be glad to see you, Harold.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45I'm always glad to see you.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I look forward to you coming home every night.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51You're not coming.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53No, I know.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Anyway, you wouldn't like it.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I mean, there's nothing there for you.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03There's no whelk stalls, no knees-ups.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Even the bingo's in German.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07What's the German for "legs 11"?
0:18:07 > 0:18:08I don't know. See?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11You'd never get a full house. No.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12But I bet you do.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Oh, don't you worry about it, Harold.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18You go off and enjoy yourself.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19I'll send you a card.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22No, don't bother. I shan't be on my own.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I shall go down to the cemetery and sit with your mother.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Yeah.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Well, I'll be off up to my room.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36I don't suppose you want me down here, irritating you.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Oh, come on, Dad.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39There's no need to be like that.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Like what?
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Well, you know...
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Irritating.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46No, you've made it quite clear, Harold.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48You'll be off next week.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I shall try keep out of your way between now and then.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Well...
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Goodnight, son.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58I shall see you in the morning,
0:18:58 > 0:19:01if we should happen to bump into each other.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09He's not coming.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13He's not coming.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45MAKES WHOOSHING NOISES
0:19:53 > 0:19:56What's this? A bleeding flyover?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58It's a practice piste.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59A what?!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04A piste. That's French for ski-slope.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07It's for beginners, so I can get on to the real stuff.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08I built it myself.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Yes, I can see that.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13It'll do for what I want. What do you reckon?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Very nice. How does the horse get out?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Oh.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Well, it's only for the weekend.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23She don't go out on weekends.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I'll take it down on Monday.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Well, I've got to practise, Dad.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I've never done this before. It's a very arduous sport.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34You've got to be really fit. I've got to get my muscles tuned up.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I don't want to be knackered out the first day there.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Waste of time building that, wasn't it?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42You could've practised coming down the stairs.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Don't be ridiculous.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45The skis are longer than the stairs.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47You used to, when you was little.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51You used to come downstairs on your mother's best Sunday tea tray.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Did I? Yes.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55And I remember one winter I brought you home
0:20:55 > 0:20:57a pair of skates off the round.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Then the horse did a leak, and when it froze over,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03you went skating all over the yard.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Yeah, not exactly St Moritz, was it?
0:21:07 > 0:21:11No. I can't imagine the Aga Khan skating on that.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16And now you're going off to do the real thing, eh?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18How times have changed.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23Oh, yes. Winter holidays are no longer a prerogative of the rich.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Everyone's at it these days.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28The mountainsides are dotted all over with the working class.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Not that I hope to meet many of them where I'm going.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Read that ski plan brochure out to me again, would you, Dad?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Page nine - Hermione's diary.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43"Hermione's Diary. A day in the life of a ski bird.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49"Nine o'clock - leap out of bed and survey view.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54"White slopes glisten enticingly under morning sun.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56"Super party last night."
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Oh, yeah. Go on.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03"Big hello from my ski instructor, Hans. He's really something."
0:22:03 > 0:22:06There you are, see, you won't get a look in.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Well, he can't have them all, can he?
0:22:08 > 0:22:09He's got to think of his job.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11You can't have a shagged-out ski instructor,
0:22:11 > 0:22:13wouldn't last five minutes.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17"Two o'clock - big moment this afternoon.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20"I skied down the mountain for the first time.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24"Hans made it all seem so easy."
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Don't go on about Hans.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Get to the meat.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32"Four o'clock. Apres-ski begins."
0:22:32 > 0:22:35That's it. That's where it all happens.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38The afternoon booze-up.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40That's where you sort them all out.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46"Get invited by David - he's a TV executive or something -
0:22:46 > 0:22:51"to join him after dinner on a moonlight sleigh ride."
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Cor, sounds marvellous, doesn't it?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I shall have me some of that.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Yeah. They'll have to rewrite this for next year.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02"Get invited by Harold - I think he's a rag and bone man."
0:23:02 > 0:23:04LAUGHTER
0:23:04 > 0:23:06You stand no chance, mate.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08On holiday, everybody's equal.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11And I won't tell them I'm a rag and bone man,
0:23:11 > 0:23:15I shall be a...pop group manager, or in advertising or something.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18I'll suss it when I get there.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21"2.00 am - fell sleepily into bed."
0:23:21 > 0:23:24That's it. That's the bit.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27What?
0:23:27 > 0:23:31The snow round my chalet will be melted after the first night.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Right, here we go.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Hmm.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Dad? What?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56How do you turn round?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Don't ask me. You're the expert.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08No, that's not right.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Oh, hang on.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I've got it.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30LAUGHTER
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Well, they feel comfortable enough.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Right, I think I'm ready for a practice run now.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52I think it might be easier if you took them off first.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Yes, I think you're right.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Of course, at Obergurgl, you go up the mountain in a ski lift.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Well, I didn't think they'd have a bleeding great ladder
0:25:02 > 0:25:03leaning up against it.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Oh, very funny(!)
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Pass my skis up, would you, Dad?
0:25:17 > 0:25:18And the ski sticks, thank you.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24I mean, you can see why I didn't want to take you now.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26It's a very dangerous sport.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27It's not for old men.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Here. You're going to need these.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Don't want to get snow in your eyes.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Oh, clear off.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Pater, move away from the door hole, please.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Right.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Here we go.
0:25:59 > 0:26:04Well, I'll be off. I shall see you in a fortnight.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I'm sorry you can't come with me.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Still, it was a pity to waste a ticket.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Now, you have a nice rest.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I don't like to leave you on your own, really.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16But you're going to.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Oh, yes.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Are you sure you'll be all right?
0:26:20 > 0:26:21I'll manage.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23You should have someone looking after you.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Why don't you go off to my sister in Stoke?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29There's some lovely countryside round there.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Oh, get out of it!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I'll see you when I get back.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38I'll send you a postcard from Obergurgl.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Cheerio.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Dad?
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Don't go mad at it.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51You know, don't go on them steep runs, they're...very dangerous.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54You...you go out on the piste first.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Oh, I intend to, mate.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Every bleeding night.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04LAUGHTER
0:27:04 > 0:27:07APPLAUSE
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Hello?
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Can you get me Stoke-on-Trent, 58437?
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Thank you.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE