0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Uh, do you mind?
0:00:14 > 0:00:15You bet, mate.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18You ready?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22- Beautiful.- Cheers.- No worries.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30- You can't even do a wee in peace.- Oh, it's nice to give something back.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- Hey, does Essie get hassled as well?- Oh, does she ever.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35I don't really care, you know,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38as long as they leave the kids alone.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39HE INHALES
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Ben?
0:00:48 > 0:00:52I'm going to need to see some cash up front.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Certainly.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58There you are.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03It's supposed to be 360.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05The lady on the phone said 300.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10You, um, take credit?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Cash only.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Look, I'm in A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Botanic Gardens.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Happy to put you on the door.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Look, I'm sorry, if you don't have the cash...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28It's OK. Here's 60, mate.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33OK.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Thank you, man.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- It's for a good cause. - (No worries.)
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Beautiful frock.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46You know you have lovely skin.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- We should get rid of those, hey?- Mm.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Lose the, uh...
0:01:52 > 0:01:54ZIPPER UNFASTENS
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Ohh!
0:01:56 > 0:01:57WOMAN LAUGHS SOFTLY
0:02:04 > 0:02:05How'd you go?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Oh, that is glorious!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Boss, just got Ben Hollander in a toilet tryst
0:02:12 > 0:02:16with a 360-a-pop callgirl, pics included.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Yep, drugs as well.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Yep, he's still married.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24I'm thinking "Gotcha - Hooker, Line and Stinker."
0:02:29 > 0:02:34# The wintergreen the juniper
0:02:34 > 0:02:37# The cornflower and the chicory
0:02:37 > 0:02:41# Well all of the words you said to me
0:02:41 > 0:02:44# Are still vibrating in the air
0:02:44 > 0:02:48# The elm the ash and the linden tree
0:02:48 > 0:02:53# The dark and deep enchanted sea
0:02:53 > 0:02:56# The trembling moon and the stars unfurled
0:02:56 > 0:03:00# Well there she goes my beautiful world
0:03:00 > 0:03:04# There she goes my beautiful world
0:03:04 > 0:03:08# There she goes my beautiful world
0:03:08 > 0:03:12# There she goes my beautiful world
0:03:12 > 0:03:15# There she goes again. #
0:03:18 > 0:03:22'The Sunday Sun's number one columnist Alex Burchill
0:03:22 > 0:03:24'has done many things he isn't proud of
0:03:24 > 0:03:29'and the things he is proud of are morally reprehensible.'
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Hey. Caught Ben Hollander, hey?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- Guess you won't want those tickets?- No, I'll take them.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Oh, OK. Bob, Bob!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- Janine, I need to claim 60 on expenses.- Seth Rogen's people called.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Apparently you referred to him as Seth Bogan in your column.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49They want to know if it was a typo or a misguided attempt at humour.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I think it was a misguided attempt at humour.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Alan, are you OK, mate?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I'm meant to be showing the new cadet around,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03but I find him strangely intimidating.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Mate, I think you just need to bite the bullet.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09But what if he doesn't like me?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- Hey, do you need me for anything?- No, you're all right.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Susan's asked me to redo her head shot. She wants a happy one.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Alex, your Hollander piece, in the fourth para, you write,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23" 'The lady on the phone told me 300', declared Hollander."
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- Mmm.- Perhaps we should use said rather than declared,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29unless, of course, he shouted it as if from a rooftop.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33- "The lady on the phone told me 300!" Did he do that?- No.- OK.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- We'll stick with said, then.- OK.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44- Hey, what's going on with Neil? - The editor's sacking people.- Oh, no!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Don't look. He's watching us.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51- Just pretend we're having a normal conversation.- All right, um,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53so what are you doing on the weekend?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Actually, I'm going to have a threesome.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Right.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59PHONE BEEPS
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Hmm, I'm going in. Wish me luck.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Oh, shut the door.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- What are they saying?- All good.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24We still don't have a splash.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26How are things going with Wasp Warneke?
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- Hope van der Boom looking after him?- No, Trudy March. Ooh.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- Yeah, like he doesn't 'do' tabloids, apparently.- Wanker.- Mmm.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Tell Trudy if she gives us a face-to-face with him,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I'll do a piece on him saving the Amazon.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41She's worried we're going to ask him about tantra.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Mate, if this paper were in trouble, pieces on blokes rooting sheilas
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- for five hours would keep it afloat. - Is it in trouble?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Nup.- I notice Neil's leaving.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- Well, we can't carry B-graders. - Neil's a Walkley winner.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- Is he? - (FROM MAIN OFFICE) What? Great(!)
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Is that Wendy? - Must have read my email.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03We're streamlining the gardening pages, too.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- Should I be worried?- No, because you're going to get Trudy March
0:06:07 > 0:06:11to give us an exclusive with one of rock'n'roll's most enduring rooters.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15'Rock'n'roll's most enduring rooter arrived in town promoting his album
0:06:15 > 0:06:18'Concubine of the Soul.'
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Trudy. Alex Burchill. How are you?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24'It's not going to happen, Alex.'
0:06:24 > 0:06:27What if the piece focuses on his plans to save the Amazon?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30You able to get your editors to go for that?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Yeah, our readers are getting their heads around environmental issues.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Yeah, what about the profound wisdom of tantric sex?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I don't know. Who's interested in a man having sex with his wife?
0:06:39 > 0:06:44Five hours is a long time, Alex. Sure your readers aren't interested?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- No, it's just not news. - Watch out.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48OK, good. Wasp hates being asked about tantra.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50So we're on?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53The thing is, he only wants quality press.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57What are you talking about? You said I was one of Australia's top writers.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59I'll see what I can do.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- You handled the situation perfectly.- Thanks, mate.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05So how will you get him to talk about tantra?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08'Alex was on his way to see Dr James, who regularly
0:07:08 > 0:07:10'talked him through his cyberchondria -
0:07:10 > 0:07:13'a condition where any ache and pain is typed into a search engine
0:07:13 > 0:07:16'and comes out "cancer".'
0:07:18 > 0:07:19- You're new.- Yeah.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Your name?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Uh, are you all right?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28What? The face not ringing any bells or...?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32- Are you famous or something?- Well...
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- Peter Helliar? - No, not Peter Helliar!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Alex Burchill, columnist for the Sunday Sun.- Oh.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43I went to school with Dr James. He hasn't mentioned me?
0:07:43 > 0:07:44No.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Um, do you want to just take a seat in there?
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Yeah.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56What have we got today, then?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59It seems something's wrong with my bottom, actually.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Inside the bottom itself?- Yeah.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- Bit of blood and what have you? - Bit of that, yeah.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Whip 'em off.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- Can't I describe the symptoms? - Come on, snap, snap.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Mate, he's got to examine you.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Do you need to be here?- No.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Did you, uh, see the new receptionist on the way in?
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- Yeah.- We had a bit of a cuddle last night, just quietly.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Oh, yeah.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25PHONE RINGS
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Actually, mind if I get this? Agh!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Hope she doesn't fall in love with me.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- Trudy.- So I told Wasp's people you'd put the Amazon in the first part
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- 'and it got you over the line.' - Great. Thank you for that.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- I thought you'd be happier. - Oh, I'm happy. Oh!- Uh-huh.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Tomorrow, 5.30, Park Hyatt. It's a restricted-access floor,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46so I'll text you the code for the lift.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Alex, if you resort to any of that tabloid rubbish,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51we'll kill the interview.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Oh, it feels a bit rough up there, soldier.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- What?- I don't know if it's skin tags,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00cracks in the anus wall or beginnings of a pile.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02A complete bloody mystery.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07- Best course of action is to get you in for a couple of X-rays.- Sharna!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Out of interest, you haven't engaged in receptive anal sex, have you?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12No.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18Can we get old mate in for some X-rays of his anus wall?
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Yeah, sure.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23'Alex thought he detected a slight smirk on the face
0:09:23 > 0:09:25'of Dr James's new receptionist.'
0:09:29 > 0:09:32'After the X-rays, Alex went to see his girlfriend, Rita.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35'The couple had met at an exhibition of her series of photographs
0:09:35 > 0:09:39'featuring misanthropic Eastern European men crying.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42'Alex had told her he was exultant about the series.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45'Rita loved the word exultant,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47'and now they were moving in together.'
0:09:56 > 0:09:57You still OK with all this?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Yeah!
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Great!
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- Hey! I got the interview with Wasp. - Oh, yeah? That's great.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13You know I'm not married to Bob... I am able to use other photographers.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Really?- Yeah. I mean,
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- is Wasp Warneke someone you'd like to photograph?- Oh, yeah!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- You don't have to if you don't want to...- No, no, no. I'll do it.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27- OK, let's do it!- OK! Thanks, baby! - No worries!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- So where do you want this? - GLASS SMASHES
0:10:30 > 0:10:35- Oh...- Oh, shit! My parents! - Sorry, Rita. I'm so sorry.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39- Oh! Why weren't you helping him?! - I offered.- And I said no,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42cos he shouldn't be lifting heavy shit with his arse in its condition.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- What's going on with your arse? - Oh, just a bit of, you know...
0:10:46 > 0:10:48It should be fine, yeah.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Oh, OK.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Then again, it could be cancer, so...
0:10:53 > 0:10:55'Occasionally I like to'
0:10:55 > 0:10:56drop a bombshell on her,
0:10:56 > 0:10:58just to scare her into loving me a little bit more.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- Yeah, well, she sure could love you a bit more.- Really?
0:11:01 > 0:11:06I mean, we could all love each other a bit more. On occasion, you could love ME a bit more, mate.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I love you, mate.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09I love you too, mate.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Is here OK?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- We were hoping for something inside. - Inside's full.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Are you sure?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- I'll check again.- Thanks.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- Want to...?- Yeah.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- So... Wasp, eh?- Yeah.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- Do you reckon he likes "Wasp" or "Wasp Warneke"?- Either's fine.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Might shoot him in the lotus position, nude if we can,
0:11:31 > 0:11:36surround him with a couple of models, nude, if we can, doing some sort of incense dance.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39It'll go nicely with your tantra angle. You like?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- Sure.- What do you mean "sure"?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Thing is, mate, I was talking to Rita before.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49- No...- Just this once.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Oh, mate, I'm sorry, but things are really touch-and-go with me and Rita at the moment.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56You said it yourself. And you know how big a fan she is of Wasp's.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- So this is the end. - Not at all. You're my main man.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Where are you going?
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- I can't look at you right now. - Bob...
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Bob!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Bob!
0:12:13 > 0:12:16We've a table inside for you, Mr Sandilands.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57- Hey.- Alex.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59MOBILE RINGS
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- Hey, mate.- Got the X-rays.- They OK?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04I'd like you to come in tomorrow at 4.30 if you could.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08- Can't you tell me on the phone? - Sorry, mate, has to be face-to-face.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11OK. Just cough once if everything's fine,
0:13:11 > 0:13:14twice if it's not fine but curable,
0:13:14 > 0:13:16and three times if it's terminal.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19That would technically be a breach of regulations, mate.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Isn't diddling your new receptionist in breach of regulations?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I highly doubt it.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26- Right.- 'See you tomorrow.'
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Hey, Alex, which should I go for? This one, (or this one?)
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Depends if you want happy or...special.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- OK.- Hey, mate...
0:13:40 > 0:13:43HE KNOCKS IN A RHYTHM
0:13:46 > 0:13:50- I got the interview with Wasp. - Yeah, good. The knock is now...
0:13:50 > 0:13:53HE TAPS OUT A NEW RHYTHM
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- OK.- Yeah, we'll have to rotate them. They're cottoning on.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Alan used it before, completely caught me off guard.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04- Oh, you're joking! - Is that Alan?- B-grader.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Make sure you get Wasp talking about tantra. The dirtier, the better.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15I'll see what I can do.
0:14:17 > 0:14:23'Alex wondered whether Sunday Sun editor Howard Evans was wearing a toupee.'
0:14:25 > 0:14:27New frame!
0:14:28 > 0:14:33- Oh, you got me some lilies! - Are they OK?- Yeah, they're great.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Even though I've told you a few times I don't have a vase big enough for lilies.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42- Oh, that's right, I'm so sorry. - That's OK. I can cut the stems. Thanks, baby.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52We can get a better frame.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Maybe we shouldn't have photos of our parents in the living room.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Yeah, you're right.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Are you going to take yours away...?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08But they don't really look like parents.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10What do they look like?
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Models.
0:15:15 > 0:15:20'The next day, Rita wanted to apologise for being disparaging about Alex's parents.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24'But then again, an apology might weaken her zero-tolerance policy
0:15:24 > 0:15:26'on having photographs of them in her living room.'
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Babe, are you still upset about the photo?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30No, no, no, I'm fine about the photo.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- Oh, are you worried about your doctor's appointment?- Mmm.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Oh... Your anus wall's going to be fine, babe.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39- You reckon?- Yes!
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Just like the melanoma on your neck turned out to be a freckle.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46And the testicular cancer turned out to be an ingrown hair.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Except, of course, for the calcium deposit on your penis,
0:15:50 > 0:15:52which turned out to be a genital wart.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56I tell you what, if it's nothing, I'm going to take you to Florentino's for dinner.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Great! What if it turns out to be something?
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Well, I'd imagine we'd both be miserable and not feel like going out.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03(Oh, yeah, course.)
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Hey, you got the code for the lift? - 4395.- Yep. See you up there.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Hmm...
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Mmm...
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- Mmm.- Just so you know, I have to be across town in half an hour.- Mm-hm.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33What you've got is a shadow on the anus wall.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I've looked it up and she could be one of three things.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40A rectal prolapse, a rectocele fissure or an anal fissure.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44These are often the result of receptive anal intercourse.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Or it could be cancer.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Then again, it could be papillae resulting from trauma
0:16:52 > 0:16:55caused by a hard stool or an irritating liquid stool,
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- but that's very unlikely. - So you don't know what it is?- No.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02A proper coloproctologist has to look at these X-rays first.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Why didn't a proper coloproctologist look at it before I came?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- I thought you'd want to be kept in the loop.- Why not call me when you know what it is?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- I'll probably know by this evening. - Good!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- You OK, mate?- I'm late for the most important interview of the year
0:17:14 > 0:17:17and I've found out I might have cancer of the fucking arse!
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Or some sort of repetitive strain disorder from copping a few big ones.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Thank you, mate. That's a huge weight off my shoulders(!)
0:17:25 > 0:17:29'Alex wondered if Dr James had got the irony of his last statement.'
0:17:32 > 0:17:35CAR ENGINE TURNS OVER WEAKLY
0:17:39 > 0:17:42CAR ENGINE CONTINUES TO TURN SLOWLY
0:17:47 > 0:17:51PHONE RINGS
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- What? - Hey, mate. It's me.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Look, I just wanted to say how sorry I am about the whole Wasp thing.- And?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02And?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Destroying...?
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Destroying...
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Our p...? Par...? Par...?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Partnership?- Yes! And my l...?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- l...?- Life?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Libido.- Sorry about that, mate.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21- Look, um, my car's actually broken down.- Just a bit of bad luck.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- You're right. I shouldn't have bothered you. I'll get a cab. - No, no, I'll pick you up.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29No, I'm at Dr Jim's. I have to be at the Park Hyatt in 25. It's cutting it too fine...
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Alex, I will get you there. I'll see you in five.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39- RADIO:- '26 past the hour, the man's in town. Here's Wasp Warneke with Concubine Of The Soul.'
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Mate, once we're on the other side of those lights, we will be flowing.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- How's the arse? - There's a shadow on it.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Oh, mate, a shadow?- Go! Go!
0:18:50 > 0:18:55- Are you OK?- Yeah. How long have we got?- About five or three minutes.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- HE PRESSES THE CAR HORN - Oi, don't do that!
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Jesus, it's green! Get in the car and drive! Drive!
0:19:03 > 0:19:08FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THEIR CAR
0:19:09 > 0:19:14- Do you have a problem, mate? - I should warn you, I've just had some pretty bad medical news.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Don't fucking honk people, you impatient shit!
0:19:20 > 0:19:21I thought that went well.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24What time is it?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26We're a little late.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32OK, but just lift your chin a little bit. That's good. Beautiful.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34OK, that's it.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- How did that all go?- Nice.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44I can tell from your eyes that you've got a lot going on up here.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Thank you.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50I don't know where Alex is.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- He's not normally late, is he? - Oh, no, no. He should be here any minute.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- MOBILE RINGS - (Excuse me.)
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- 'Hello?'- Trudy, Bob. Alex's car broke down.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06'I picked him up, but we're now in a traffic jam'
0:20:06 > 0:20:08and also there's been a road-rage incident
0:20:08 > 0:20:11which Alex conducted himself very well in.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Anything else?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Uh, Alex just found out he's got a shadow on his anus wall.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Anyway, we were wondering if he could do a phoner?
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Oh, for God's sake!
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- He apologises profusely. - You tell him no tantric sex.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26If he even mentions it, end of interview.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31- Shall do, Trudy.- 'I'll get Wasp.' - She says no tantric sex. If you mention it, end of interview.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32It's on speaker, mate.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Don't shoot the messenger.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37So, um...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Alex can't make it. He's in a traffic jam.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Would you mind doing a phoner? - Sure.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Who's this?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Wasp! Alex Burchill from the Sunday Sun.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- Thank you so much for talking to me.- Pleasure.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58So I've been briefed and I understand you DON'T want to talk about tantra,
0:20:58 > 0:21:03but on a personal note, I'm in awe of the fact that you're able to fornicate five hours at a time.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Eight hours.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11If you're going to report it, you may as well get it right.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Eight...hours...straight.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- Eight hours. Amazing.- That's amazing.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20'But, I mean, it's not about going eight hours at a time.'
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Any mug can go on all day.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- 'Well, not just any mug.'- No.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27It's how you do it that counts.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Sadly, a lot of guys don't know the fundamentals about arousing a woman.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36One should start with the tip of the nose,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39move to the point just beneath the eye,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42then onto the stomach, and then the yoni.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43(Yoni?)
0:21:43 > 0:21:48Now, if you move from one spot to the next, to the next, and then retrace your steps,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51what ends up happening is you create a circle of love.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Don't forget the bottom lip either. Suck on that in the right manner
0:21:55 > 0:21:59and she'll achieve a clitoral orgasm in no time at all.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01And the wonderment of all this
0:22:01 > 0:22:04is she'll have had the most incredible experience of her sexual life
0:22:04 > 0:22:07and that's before she's even been penetrated.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11You don't just wake up one day and become a tantric expert.
0:22:11 > 0:22:17- You've got to do your sex-ercises. Squeeze the sphincter and relax. - Yep.
0:22:17 > 0:22:23- Squeeze the sphincter and relax. - Oh, sorry.- Are you doing it?
0:22:23 > 0:22:24- No.- We're actually...
0:22:24 > 0:22:26'This is invaluable information.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29'I'm not just telling you cos I like the sound of my own voice.'
0:22:29 > 0:22:33- No, I appreciate that, Wasp. - Do as I say. Squeeze and relax.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Squeeze and relax. Squeeze...
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- Wasp?- Wasp?! No, we've lost him.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Well, go on, squeeze and relax.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- You're doing it, aren't you? - No, I'm not doing it.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Yeah, you are. Your ears moved.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00KNOCK ON DOOR
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- You made it!- Can I still see him?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05You have five minutes.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Squeeze and relax.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Squeeze and relax.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16- Rita! - You said you weren't coming!
0:23:16 > 0:23:21- Well, I made it, didn't I? - Hey... No!
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Mate, oi. Bob, no.
0:23:25 > 0:23:32No! Mate, no. Excuse me. Hey! No!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Welcome. Spare bed's yours for as long as you want it.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Thanks, mate. I might get us a beer.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Maybe you should ring up about that shadow.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- Yeah, all right. - Mate, you're better off knowing.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59What you don't know might kill you.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Thank you, mate. That's very reassuring (!)
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- Hey, mate.- Mate, the results came back this afternoon.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20- And?- Negative, mate.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25- Negative. That's good, isn't it? - Yeah, you're all clear.
0:24:25 > 0:24:30- Just a bit of papillae caused by an irritating liquid stool.- Right.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34A course of antibiotics and you'll be as...as good as new.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37What's wrong with you, then?
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- Sharna called it off. - Oh, mate, I'm sorry.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- Can I come over?- Sure.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Alex, it's for you!
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- What do you want?- I just wanted to make sure your arse was OK.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Yeah, it's fine.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Oh, that's great, baby. I was so worried.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- You do realise we've broken up? - Yeah!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58'Alex wrote the Wasp story as he saw it,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00'beat by disturbing beat.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03'It would go on to be nominated for a Walkley,
0:26:03 > 0:26:05'as would Bob's candid photograph of Wasp and Rita.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09'Later, Rita would reclaim the incident in an exhibition
0:26:09 > 0:26:12'where she set up a tent appliqued with the names
0:26:12 > 0:26:16'of every rock star she slept with between 1996 and 2010,
0:26:16 > 0:26:24'entitled Every Rock Star I Slept With Between 1996 and 2010.'
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Chook's done!
0:26:27 > 0:26:31'Later, Dr James would watch Dr Strangelove
0:26:31 > 0:26:35'and wonder whether love was strange for all doctors or just GPs,
0:26:35 > 0:26:39'or had he missed the point of the film altogether?'
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd