0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08'Resort to tabloid rubbish, and no interview.'
0:00:08 > 0:00:12- You know about West Indian cricket? - More than anybody else.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16- Do you want to catch up? - I'll think about it.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21OK, sounds excellent.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Yeah, got to be back by midnight. Yeah, I'm on day one.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Korolev. No, shouldn't be a problem, but you never know.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Hey, I've got to go. Yeah, see you there.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14The argument between Australian tennis star, Mitch Zicopoulos,
0:01:14 > 0:01:18and his coach and father, George, seemed all the more dramatic
0:01:18 > 0:01:20because it was in Greek.
0:01:25 > 0:01:30# The wintergreen, the juniper
0:01:30 > 0:01:34# The cornflower and the chicory
0:01:34 > 0:01:37# Well, all of the words you said to me
0:01:37 > 0:01:41# Are still vibrating in the air
0:01:41 > 0:01:44# The elm, the ash and the linden tree
0:01:44 > 0:01:49# The dark and deep enchanted sea
0:01:49 > 0:01:52# The trembling moon and the stars unfurled
0:01:52 > 0:01:56# Well, there she goes, my beautiful world
0:01:56 > 0:02:00# There she goes, my beautiful world
0:02:00 > 0:02:04# There she goes, my beautiful world
0:02:04 > 0:02:08# There she goes, my beautiful world
0:02:08 > 0:02:12# There she goes again. #
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Unbeknownst to Dr James's receptionist, Sharna,
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Alex was willing to give their budding romance another shot.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Clive Lloyd used to use a bat that weighed three pounds, two ounces.
0:02:26 > 0:02:291.43 kilos!
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Which is pretty heavy.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36So, do you want to go to the Twenty20?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I'm not that into cricket any more.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Really? You were three days ago.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Yeah. Do you mind if I get this?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46No, sure.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Hello, babes. What time are you on?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53You're not going to make indiscreet jokes about us having sex?
0:02:53 > 0:02:54SHE LAUGHS
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Um, you can go in if you want.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Unbeknownst to Alex, Sharna had started dating a stand-up comedian.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Everything all right, mate? - Couldn't be better.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Trish has met a very nice bogan gentleman.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I'm getting to spend more time with the twins, so it's win-win.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23So, what have we got today, then?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Well, I've got a pimple, actually, on the sort of... Groinal area.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Give us a peek.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35OK.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Ooh! Ooh!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- Itchy?- Yeah. I'm thinking it could be folliculitis.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Folliculitis? And why would you say that?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Well, I was diagnosed, actually.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- Oh, yeah? By whom?- Firefly33.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Alex, you can't just go on some chat site for a diagnosis.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Really, these sites should be restricted to properly qualified GPs.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02All righty, here we go.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Here's one with pictures, so we should be able... Oh!
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- Do you see anything?- Oh, gee!
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- Is it folliculitis?- No, no, no. You know, I'm pretty sure this is...
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- Oh, mercy!- Should I be worried?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18- When was the last time you had sex? - About three months ago. Why?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Oh, it doesn't matter. They can pop up any time.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Most carriers have no symptoms.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26One day, when they're a bit run down, bang. Outbreak.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- Herpes?- Looks like the big H to me.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Sharna?!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39I'll mark this "urgent". We should know by this afternoon.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43It's important you alert previous sexual partners to your condition.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- If you like, I can write a letter on your behalf.- No, I'll do it.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48OK.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Um, would you mind labelling
0:04:49 > 0:04:53and sending Alex's herpes swab off to the lab? Marked "urgent".
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Yeah, sure.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Alex felt that Sharna was taking the news of his incurable STD
0:05:00 > 0:05:01a little too well.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08If you want to come over, you better be quick, because I'm going out.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10No, I'm just ringing because...
0:05:10 > 0:05:14I'm wondering if you ever might have an outbreak of anything?
0:05:14 > 0:05:15An outbreak?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Yeah, like a pimply rash outbreak, for instance.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19No. Why?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23That's what adults do, Rita. Inquire about each other's health.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Right!- So, you're 100% fine, then?- Yeah.- Great.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Are we going to be having these kinds of conversations a lot,
0:05:29 > 0:05:31now that we're adults?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33We might. Probably not.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Anyway, good talking to you.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- OK. See ya.- See ya.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43TV ANNOUNCER: 'World number three, Mitch Zicopoulos,
0:05:43 > 0:05:47'has pulled out of the Classic, with a suspected sprained middle finger.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50'However, the Australian champion says he'll be fine to play
0:05:50 > 0:05:51'in the Australian Open on Monday.'
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Thanks for that.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Morning, Alex.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Hey, Alex!
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Hey, Andrea, do you ever go through times when you might get
0:06:07 > 0:06:09an outbreak of anything?
0:06:09 > 0:06:15- You haven't got herpes, have you?- No.- Great.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Can I please see you in the gents?
0:06:19 > 0:06:23ANDREA: Yeah, hi. Is Andy there, please?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Does what you've got look anything like...
0:06:29 > 0:06:31This?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34No, mate. That's nothing like what I've got.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Are you sure? Look again.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Actually, is that a pen mark?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- What? - It looks like some sort of red ink.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Ink?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Oh, how did...?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54What a relief! Thank you so much!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- Gratitude noted, mate. - (Thank you so much!)
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Alex wanted to ask how on Earth Bob had managed to draw on his penis,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12but decided against it on the grounds it would involve
0:07:12 > 0:07:16a conversation about Bob's penis.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19INTERCOM: 'Alex Burchill, my office.'
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Alex, before you go, in this week's column, you write,
0:07:23 > 0:07:27"Gus van Sant's new movie is entitled 'To Catch a Disease'."
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Surely you mean, "TITLED 'To Catch a Disease',"
0:07:29 > 0:07:33for to say his next film is, "Entitled 'To Catch a Disease"'
0:07:33 > 0:07:36implies the film's God-given right to catch a disease,
0:07:36 > 0:07:37when it's just the name of a movie.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Yeah. OK.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Now, that's put a dent in my otherwise fabulous day.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Alex was being sarcastic.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48KNOCK ON DOOR
0:07:48 > 0:07:51TV ANNOUNCER: 'Organisers apologised after Zicopoulos
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- 'was forced to pull out...' - Bob's here too.- Does he have to be?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- He sort of already is.- Bob.- Boss?
0:07:57 > 0:08:01- Zirco's pulled out of the Kooyong final.- Really?
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Yes, around 20,000 fans have paid
0:08:02 > 0:08:05hard-earned money to see Mitch Zicopoulos...
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Do what he does second best.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Apparently, he's a massive rooter.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11The implication was noted, mate.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Claims he sprained the right hand middle finger.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I once did that! Actually more painful than you think.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20He's at Punt Hill. Trudy will have details. You have till 4.30.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- Right.- Hey! I got something for you.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27A replacement for that laptop you piddled on.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29It wasn't me who piddled on it!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31All the way from 1999. Excellent.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Pleasure. Now, get me the proof
0:08:33 > 0:08:36nothing is wrong with that fornicator's middle finger.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40You really don't like other people having sex, do you, sir?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42It was true. The editor really didn't like
0:08:42 > 0:08:45other people having sex, particularly men.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49And, as far as he was concerned, his readers didn't, either.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Great(!) This prehistoric crap's from the Sunday Argus.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Prehistoric!
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- PHONE BEEPS - What's up?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Trudy, just off to interview Zirco.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08We seem to have misplaced his room number.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- You don't happen to have it, do you?- You're kidding!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14No, it's a legitimate, fully sanctioned one-on-one.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Why not call his manager, and get the room number?
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Oh, one more thing.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I thought I'd better let you know.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23There's no space to run that piece on Matt Nugent's Hamlet.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Level seven. But it's a restricted-access floor, Alex.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28That's OK. Room number?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- If I don't give you the number? - Couple of paragraphs.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- If I do, half a page and a photo?- I don't think so.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37He's not hosting Dancing With The Stars.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39OK. Well, that'll just have to do.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Do you think your new laptop knows what the internet is?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Yeah!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Should see if it's got any games.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05What's up?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07They've changed the frigging code!
0:10:07 > 0:10:11OK. OK, thank you. That's good news.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30He no let down his fans.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Who might have the code? - They must have just changed it.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Afternoon, sir.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Tony Greig's here! How's your South African?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- AS TONY GREIG: - That is a marvellous stroke.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- That's brilliant!- Thanks, mate!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Yeah, we'll just ride up with the porter.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56PHONE RINGS
0:10:56 > 0:10:57'Switchboard.'
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- AS TONY GREIG: - Could I please have the front desk?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- 'Reception.' - Ja, hello. It's Tony Greig.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Just wondering if someone from the front desk could come up
0:11:08 > 0:11:09and help us with the lock?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Yah, there's something wrong with the lock to the door to our room.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15TELEPHONE: 'Certainly, Mr Greig. We'll send someone up.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17'What's your room number?'
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I don't know.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22- OK.- Plan B?
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Look, I'm just going to write it up and fill in the blanks,
0:11:26 > 0:11:27if and when we see Zirco.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32He's got to come down eventually.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35PHONE RINGS Yes?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Ah, yes.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Thank you. I will.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Oh, you're kidding. I've got Dylan Hunt's computer!
0:11:56 > 0:11:57This is not auspicious.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00It requires a four-letter password.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Say you're a Sunday Argus columnist who thinks he's Hemingway.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05What password would you choose?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- "Face".- "Face"?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- He's got a very big face. - But he doesn't know that!
0:12:11 > 0:12:12He might.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Even if he does, he's not going to go, "I've got a very big face.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18"I might make 'face' my password."
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- Hates it.- "Head"?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28PHONE RINGS
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- Alex Burchill.- Dylan! How are you?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Great. You interviewed Zirco's finger yet?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Mate, I'm just ringing to say that
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- I'm the proud new owner of your 1999 laptop.- Excellent.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Which I'm sure was home to many of your awkward,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44five-line sentences over the past decade.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Now it'll get to experience the joy of the monosyllable.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50That's words with only one syllable(!)
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Yeah, I know.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Look, um, thing is, you forgot to re-format it,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56so I'm going to need a password.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Oh, shit. Um, OK.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00PHONE BEEPS
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Alex?
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Dylan?!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Hello?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Shit!
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Alex?! You're at Punt Hill?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- Yeah, mate. What's your password? - Hello?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- Fuck!- Bummer.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24Dylan HUNT? Four letters. I reckon he'd risk it.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- LAPTOP BEEPS - Or not.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30There's Judith Lucy! She'd have the code.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Judith! Hi.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Alex. How are you?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Good, good.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Supposed to be meeting a friend up on level seven.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42You don't have the code, do you? I've forgotten it,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44he's not answering his phone.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Oh, now, Alex, I like you.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49If you were just a regular guy who'd forgotten his code,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I'd give it to you in a shot. But the thing is,
0:13:51 > 0:13:53you work for a tabloid newspaper.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55And giving you the code to a secure floor
0:13:55 > 0:13:59kinda defeats the purpose of having a secure floor in the first place.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- Really?- Have a really great day.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08'Reception.'
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Yeah, can someone bring my gear up? - 'Yes, of course.'
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- Thanks.- 'You're welcome.'
0:14:14 > 0:14:15"Bone?"
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Mate, it's not going to be a body part.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19What about writers? Amis.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Martin... Amis.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"Foot?"
0:14:24 > 0:14:26LIFT PINGS
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Yeah, we're on level seven too. Thanks, mate.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36What's the code, then?
0:14:36 > 0:14:37- Bob?- 9-7-8-3.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40That is not even remotely close.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Yeah, remember? That's the old one, before the...
0:14:43 > 0:14:46It's actually 6-2-1-7.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I'm going to have to ask you to both exit the lift.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Mate, I've had some bad medical news today, so not thinking straight...
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Out!- It's 7-2-3...- Out.- Oh, right.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57And don't try and crack the code
0:14:57 > 0:15:00cos on your third botched attempt, the lift doors will lock
0:15:00 > 0:15:02and sleeping gas will pour out of the vents.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Bullshit!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06No, new anti-terrorism measure.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08I'm sorry, Mr Seymour Hoffman,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11the same rules apply to you as everyone else.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22- 'Hi. You've called Dylan Hunt. I can't take...'- Shit.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Rob!
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Burchie! How are you?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Good, good. What are you up to?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- I'm just visiting a mate. - Yeah, me too.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I'm meant to be meeting someone up there.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- But I forgot the code to the lift. - Oh.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- Are you going up?- Yeah. In a minute.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I'm just a bit puffed. I might take a mo.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- Just grab it from the front desk.- No, I can wait with you. That's fine.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Yeah...good.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- God, no. He's meeting me down here. What am I thinking?- Oh, right.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Just grab it from the front desk. I'd better text him.- OK. Thanks, mate.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51CONTINUES SHOUTING IN GREEK
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Got it.- Awesome. Now ring the concierge.- Why can't you ring him?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Mate, I just think my Tony Greig will suffer
0:17:03 > 0:17:05if I take on any more impersonations. OK?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10'Reception.'
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- IN BAD GREEK ACCENT:- Hello. George Zicopoulos here.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14'What can I do for you, sir?'
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Mitch needs a Panadol for his sore finger. Can you send that up?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20'Certainly, sir. What's your room number again?'
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I don't know the bloody room number. What am I, a bellhop? Look it up!
0:17:23 > 0:17:26'Certainly, sir. We'll get that to your room right away.'
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- You like?- Thought you might have overcooked one or two moments,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31but overall, I did like, yes.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Thanks, mate.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- Hey.- G'day.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05- Dylan!- Give it here.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11STARTUP TONE
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Hallelujah! What was the password?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- None of your business.- "Fist".
0:18:15 > 0:18:18It's not "fist". It's "Fiat".
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Hold your horses. I have to erase it.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- Just give it here. I won't read it. - One can't be too careful.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24One might have reason to worry
0:18:24 > 0:18:27if one could follow one's convoluted prose.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28PHONE RINGS
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Any news?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I can honestly say I've got good news and bad news.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37All right. What's the bad news?
0:18:37 > 0:18:38It's a strong possibility
0:18:38 > 0:18:41you were bit on the doodle by a white-tailed spider.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- Right.- Now, these white-tailed bites have a flesh-eating venom.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46And, well, it's possible
0:18:46 > 0:18:49that your penis will become necrotic and eventually drop off.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- Isn't there some antibiotics I can take?- 'Fraid not.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Right. OK. Uh, what's the good news?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Oh. Uh, you don't have herpes.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- Brilliant(!)- I'll call you back when I know more.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Mate, it's not going to drop off.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Yeah, all right.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Have you ever heard of anyone's penis dropping off?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I knew a guy with no penis.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11They give you a plastic one. It's mostly functional.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- Very little feeling, of course. - How's the erasing going?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17All done. Do you want me to adjust the preferences
0:19:17 > 0:19:19to accept sentence fragments?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I'll cope, thanks.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23OK. See you later.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25LIFT PINGS
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Has it worked?
0:19:33 > 0:19:353, 7, 8 and 0.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Try 3-7-0-8.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- How many variations to go?- 22.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Right, so there's a 96% chance
0:19:46 > 0:19:49the next combination you enter will get us gassed.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Yeah, but there's a 4% chance we'll get it right!
0:19:52 > 0:19:56I don't think the gods are smiling on us today, buddy.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01PHONE RINGS
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Alex Burchill.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I can only assume you've abandoned Zirco and are currently enjoying
0:20:06 > 0:20:09the Harmony rejuvenation package in the hotel spa.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- Never assume. - Or talk back to the boss.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Do you know what's being promoted to page one
0:20:13 > 0:20:15courtesy of your Zirco no-show?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Matt Newton's Hamlet?- 'No.'
0:20:17 > 0:20:20The western sewerage treatment plant's sprung a leak.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23'I was thinking How Do You Solve A Problem Like Urea?'
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- Genius.- Sir, we'll get Zirco.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Good. It'll cheer up Janine.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30She thinks she's got herpes.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Is that...Rita?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- What are you doing here?- Just seeing a friend. What about you?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Friend. Maybe we're meeting the same friend.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Maybe!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Does your friend's name start with the letter Z?
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- Maybe.- This is great. We can ride up together.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54We can not.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Well, just give me the code and we can ride up after.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02I'll think about it.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15ALARM BLARES
0:21:36 > 0:21:40- What happened?- You were gassed. You must have punched in the wrong code.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Do you even know Zirco?
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Yeah! I met him at Eve.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45He said I should drop by sometime.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- Right...- So he gave you the code?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Not really.- Do you even have it?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Yeah, I've got three. They rotate them.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56My friend said there was no way I'd get gassed as you get three chances.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58But I only entered in one, and then...
0:21:58 > 0:22:00psshhhh!
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Yeah, I think problems arise
0:22:02 > 0:22:04when a certain party enters two incorrect codes
0:22:04 > 0:22:08immediately before another party enters one incorrect code.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Which ones didn't you try?- Um...
0:22:11 > 0:22:131-7-8-9 and 3-0-7-8.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- 3-0-7-8!- Oh!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Did you tell her your herpes news?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- What?- Yeah, um...
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Apparently, I don't have herpes.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Oh, right.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25So, are you going to be OK?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Yeah, I think so.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Great! We'll see you later.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36LIFT RUMBLES
0:22:55 > 0:22:59ANGRY SHOUTING IN GREEK
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- They're bringing the Porsche around? - Yep.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Sorry, Mr Zicopoulos. Just doing my job!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Mr Zicopoulos, what do you say
0:23:46 > 0:23:49to the 20,000 people who paid to see you play?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Where are you going now? Will you be refunding their money?
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Mr Zicopoulos, can you explain to the Australian people...
0:23:55 > 0:23:56How's the finger?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Do you think the public have a right to be suspicious?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01CAR REVS
0:24:15 > 0:24:17CRASH!
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Thus ends the shortest car chase in television history.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26What have you got?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29We got some great snaps of Zirco not wanting to be snapped.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32His security broke a 10,000 lens in the process.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35And I had a minor car accident trying to pursue him.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- Did you get a look at his finger? - He had it covered.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- Did he say anything?- "No comment." - OK, well, put it all in.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45The non-apology, his thug purposely breaking the 10,000 lens
0:24:45 > 0:24:49as we fearlessly pursued the truth on behalf of the Australian public.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52You've got 20 minutes. I'm holding page 17.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Well, that was an afternoon well spent.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59I guess I can look forward to my circa-1999 replacement lens.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Bloody James hasn't called yet.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Mate. Look to your left.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Hey, Zirco...
0:25:15 > 0:25:18stop fucking following us!
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Yes! Thank you!- Gotcha!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Three-and-a-half grand for a dent and a broken headlight.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- And a respray.- Still, do you know
0:25:32 > 0:25:35how many celebrities I have to interview for that?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37PHONE RINGS
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Mate, I'm here for you, penis or no penis.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Thanks, buddy.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42What's the news?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Turns out you weren't bitten by a white-tailed.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- It's not herpes, is it?- 'No.'
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Looks like a touch of folliculitis.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52'It's where a hair follicle becomes infected.'
0:25:52 > 0:25:54That's what I said in the first place.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Yes, but it's not an official diagnosis until it's been confirmed
0:25:57 > 0:25:59by a qualified medical professional.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Right. So, antibiotics?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Writing a script as we speak.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06'Oopsy-daisy! Got to go. Twins are here.'
0:26:06 > 0:26:08CHILD CRIES No, no, no. Very sharp. Very sharp.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Folliculitis.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15So Firefly33 was right!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17You can always rely on the internet.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Yeah. Although hotdoc42 diagnosed it as gangrene,
0:26:21 > 0:26:22so you never know.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31A wise man once said,
0:26:31 > 0:26:33"If you're stuck in the mud,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35"you have to walk through the mud
0:26:35 > 0:26:38"to get out of the mud."
0:26:38 > 0:26:40I don't think that's particularly relevant.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43I've just always found it interesting.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd