0:00:02 > 0:00:04Why are you going on dangerous assignments?
0:00:04 > 0:00:05I'm not just an entertainment reporter.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09(We thought he was surprised to see us but he was surprised because he was dead!)
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Great! This is page one stuff.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Alex, can you rub some of this on my back, please?
0:00:15 > 0:00:16No.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Trish has met a very nice bogan gentleman.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23I'm getting to spend more time with the twins, so it's win-win.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26'7pm, Eastern Standard Time.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30'Prominent Melbourne identity and former Bendigo Golden Gloves, Jack Cooper,
0:00:30 > 0:00:34'is driving home from a function, listening to his favourite radio announcer...'
0:00:34 > 0:00:37'I'm Jack Cooper, and this is Cooper Across Australia.'
0:00:37 > 0:00:38'Himself.'
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- The teachers are a bit worried about Holly.- How so?
0:00:41 > 0:00:45- She's drawing people without faces again.- That's cute, isn't it?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Well, the school thinks it suggests
0:00:47 > 0:00:51an inability to empathise with other people.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I wonder, you know, if you spent a bit more time with her...
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Shhh! This is a good bit.
0:00:56 > 0:01:01'Now, to those tourist operators I say this, in 20 years' time,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03'when the Barrier Reef is still there,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06'I hope you refund the money to those people you swindled.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09'And if you don't, you're thieves!'
0:01:09 > 0:01:11But, Jack, the Barrier Reef is dying.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Shhh! Baby, I think Daddy needs a wee-wee.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Can't it wait till you get home?
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Shhh. Just looking for a place to pull over.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- Unbelievable.- Shh!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27CAR HORN BEEPS
0:01:42 > 0:01:44'Cooper, Jack. 7 Sunset Court, Toorak.
0:01:44 > 0:01:49'Just got him for a 301, 317, 322 and a 406. Over.'
0:01:49 > 0:01:53'This was precisely the type of story that Sunday Sun editor Howard Evans
0:01:53 > 0:01:55'had hoped would come along
0:01:55 > 0:02:01'and justify him not accompanying his family to the opening night of Phantom Of The Opera 2.'
0:02:01 > 0:02:08This programme contains some strong language
0:02:09 > 0:02:11# The wintergreen, the juniper
0:02:11 > 0:02:14# The cornflower and the chicory
0:02:14 > 0:02:19# Well, all of the words you said to me
0:02:19 > 0:02:22# Are still vibrating in the air
0:02:22 > 0:02:26# The elm, the ash and the linden tree
0:02:26 > 0:02:30# The dark and deep enchanted sea
0:02:30 > 0:02:34# The trembling moon and the stars unfurled
0:02:34 > 0:02:37# Well, there she goes My beautiful world
0:02:37 > 0:02:41# There she goes, my beautiful world
0:02:41 > 0:02:45# There she goes, my beautiful world
0:02:45 > 0:02:50# There she goes, my beautiful world
0:02:50 > 0:02:54# There she goes again. #
0:02:56 > 0:02:59'Meanwhile, the 2010 Knightley Award nominations
0:02:59 > 0:03:01'had just been announced.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04'Named after leading investigative journalist and author Philip Knightley,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07'they honoured the cream of Australian writers.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09'For the fourth year in a row,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12'Alex Burchill had not received a nomination for Best Columnist.'
0:03:12 > 0:03:14I'm constantly breaking stories,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17then writing up those stories in a pithy, entertaining way.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- I mean, what more could they want? - It's the photo byline.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- It's not the photo byline. - It's from, like, 1992.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26They hate tabloid!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I mean, seriously, why does Dylan Hunt always get nominated?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- It's broadsheet snobbery. - You were robbed, mate.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- You don't actually read my column, do you?- No.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I notice you haven't said anything.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Oh, congratulations on your nomination, by the way.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Thanks, mate.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49As it happens, in case you missed out again, I took the liberty of digging this up.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- It's your five-year plan. - Can we just go?
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- I'd like to have something to eat before we go in. - Yeah, let's go, mate.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59I think you'll be surprised at how much you've achieved on this list.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00PHONE RINGS
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- Mmm, might be work.- Don't answer it!
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Hello?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Jack Cooper's been busted for indecent exposure,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10urinating in public, resisting arrest and DUI!
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- Drunk and... - Driving under the influence.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18- The irony is he's been a massive campaigner against drink driving and public urination.- That's true.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21So go around there and ask him if there's one rule for him
0:04:21 > 0:04:23and one rule for everyone else.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Boss, Susan's actually got us tickets to Phantom Of The Opera 2.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28This won't take a minute.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31And, Alex, it'd be great if you could provoke him so he lashes out,
0:04:31 > 0:04:32makes an arse of himself.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- No worries.- He thinks I won't touch him because I was his best man,
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- but bugger him, Melbourne's not a toilet.- Yeah! Good point.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43OK, so who's coming to pay Jack Cooper a visit?
0:04:43 > 0:04:48Oh, why can't you just turn off your phone? It's after hours.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Sorry, mate. Can't tonight. - Where are you going, anyway?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Sharna's comedian boyfriend broke up with her.- Really?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Yeah. So, I'm taking her out.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Shoulder to cry on.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00So, it's a date!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Well, we don't want to frighten the natives, but it is a date, yes.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- Does she know that?- We're giving the relationship another shot.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Right... The relationship that involved you briefly putting your arm around her.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Mate, a relationship's a relationship.- All right.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- Um, are you over the limit? - Most definitely.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21- I can drive.- I might be OK. - I can drive!
0:05:21 > 0:05:26- I didn't know you had your licence. - Yeah, last week.- What'd you lose points for?- Mirrors and dry turning.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31- Hmm, that's a concern. - Give me the keys. Come on!
0:05:32 > 0:05:37'Rita's test had got off to a bad start when she slapped the examiner's hand away
0:05:37 > 0:05:40'as he tried to turn the car radio off,
0:05:40 > 0:05:44'which she suspects may have inadvertently given him an erection.'
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- Editor?- No.- Own your own house?- No. - Own a prestige car?- No.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52- Hey, mate, this is an excellent idea(!)- Travel the world?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Why do you keep asking me questions
0:05:54 > 0:05:56when you know the answer's going to be "no"?
0:05:56 > 0:06:01- Well, you've been to Bali.- Actually, that was a really good holiday.
0:06:01 > 0:06:08- Married? No. Kids?- Hope not!- No. Threesome?- No.- Really?- Me neither.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I haven't even had a twosome since June...
0:06:11 > 0:06:12'08.
0:06:12 > 0:06:17It's been pretty much onesomes for the past...630 days.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21- That's a lot of onesomes. - Sex in an elevator?- No.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Yes, you have! Oh, no. That's right.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- Just concentrate on the driving. - Sex on a plane?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- No.- Babe, you've got to be more adventurous!
0:06:30 > 0:06:32At least they're realistic.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- I'll probably never get within coo-ee of my five-year goals. - Which are?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Put it this way, they mostly involve Tom Baker,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41the greatest Doctor Who of them all.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Pull in here. I want to pick up the first edition.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48Nice and safely. Don't fucking bump into anything, please.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53Hard turn, hard turn. Yep, nice. Back in a sec.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- Don't be long.- Don't be long.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Here we go. He'll flick through the paper.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07He'll find his column. They'll have done something weird to his column.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11- He'll say, "Fucking hell!" - Fucking hell!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Little frown comes on his face.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14And the big eyes!
0:07:18 > 0:07:19- Look at that.- What's wrong?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- My photo byline is an orange smudge. - Look at my pics!
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- What's with the cheap ink? - Someone's got to tell the boss cost-cutting's a false economy.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- No one's going to buy this. - Oh, you've got ink on your nose.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Yeah, mate.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- Yeah.- OK.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41'Bob enjoyed the fact that his and Alex's relationship allowed
0:07:41 > 0:07:43'this kind of intimacy.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44'Alex, on the other hand,
0:07:44 > 0:07:47'hoped that Bob would never touch his face again.'
0:07:47 > 0:07:49CAR HORN BEEPS
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- Got you a rose.- Thanks.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- You hungry?- Not really.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- Great! Um, just need to do something first, OK?- OK.- All right.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- Back in a sec. - Don't be long.- Don't be long.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23DOGS BARK
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- It's me.- What are you doing?- No one's home. Might have to leave it.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- Try again.- There's no answer.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49I'm starting to understand why you weren't nominated for a Knightley.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53- OK, I'll try again.- Yeah, and keep trying until the piss-head answers.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- 'Yes?'- Mrs Cooper? - 'Yes. Shut up, Brutus!'
0:09:04 > 0:09:06My name's Alex Burchill.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I'm from the Sunday Sun.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12So sorry to disturb you, but I understand Mr Cooper was involved
0:09:12 > 0:09:14in a drink driving/urinating incident.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I was just wondering if he'd mind commenting on it.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- 'When did this happen?'- I'm not sure.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- Maybe an hour or so ago. - 'I assume he's all right?'
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- He's not at home? - 'Come in.'- Oh, no, no. That's OK.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I'm so sorry to interrupt your evening.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Darling, you are my evening!
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- I thought you'd want to come in. - I do, but I can't stay, cos I'm on my way in to the city.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- The city?- Yeah. - Isn't that dangerous?- Not usually.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00- What about all those bogans?- Well, they're generally pretty harmless.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Well, I wouldn't go out there.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Is your husband home?
0:10:07 > 0:10:12- You normally write about entertainers, don't you?- Yes!
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Do you like music?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Yes...
0:10:22 > 0:10:25# Well, there's a pretty girl waiting
0:10:25 > 0:10:29# At the counter of a corner shop
0:10:29 > 0:10:33# She's been waiting back there Waiting for her dreams
0:10:33 > 0:10:36# Her dreams walk in and out They never stop
0:10:36 > 0:10:40# She's not too proud to cry out loud
0:10:40 > 0:10:45# She runs through the streets and she screams
0:10:45 > 0:10:47# What about me?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50# It isn't fair
0:10:50 > 0:10:52# I've had enough, now
0:10:52 > 0:10:53# I want my share
0:10:53 > 0:10:55# Can't you see?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58# I wanna live
0:10:58 > 0:11:04# But you just take more than you give. #
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- What a voice! - Why don't you write about me?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I'll definitely be incorporating you into the story.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17So I take it Mr Cooper's still out?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?- Drink?
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- I've actually got tickets to... - I'm so sorry! I thought you wanted to discuss my husband.- I do!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Well, how about a little drink, then?
0:11:34 > 0:11:39In four and a half hours, it'll be 631 days...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44..without female contact...
0:11:47 > 0:11:50..of the erotic variety.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55- What is he doing in there? - Yeah, don't know.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- You seen any good films...? - I'm going to call him.- Right-io.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Here it is, the old marital home.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Note Trevor's new fancy sports car sitting in the driveway.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15A nod to his lower middle-class origins.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19I only make the point because Trish used to be such a snob.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25Ooh, twins' light's just gone off. Nighty-night, you little rascals.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Yeah. Trish would be taking her face off.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Where'd they go, where'd they go? There she is.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Oh, isn't that nice?!
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Trish and Trevor have a bit of alone time at the end of a hard day.
0:12:39 > 0:12:45Yeah, isn't...? Oh, what! Come... Do we need to see that straightaway?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49What happened to a cup of tea and a chat?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52So Mr Cooper hasn't been in touch at all?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54No. But I'm sure he won't be long.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56DOG BARKS
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Brutus, stop that!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01The thing is, these days you've got
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Australian Idol, Australia's Got Talent, The Singing Office.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I mean, it's great if you're 20 years old.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Yeah, I'm not a massive fan of those shows.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14- Mmm, but it gets you noticed. - True. Just back to Mr Cooper.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17What would it mean to your husband if he lost his licence over this?
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- He won't lose his licence.- Why not? Because he's a pillar of the community?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- No, because he lost it two years ago. - He could really be in trouble, then.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- No, he won't.- Why not?- Because he's a pillar of the community.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29PHONE RINGS
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- Who's ringing you at this hour? - Just my friends in the car.- The car?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- What are your friends doing in the car?- Oh, they're happy there.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39You'd better answer that.
0:13:40 > 0:13:45- Hello?- How long are you going to be in there? We're going to miss the start of the show!
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I'm just having a quick drink with Mrs Cooper. I won't be long.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51What?! It's freezing out here! And...weird!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Can we come in? Ask him if we can come in.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- Bob wants to know if we can come in. - I don't think that's a good idea. I won't be long.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Tell them to come in. You can't leave people in the car, freezing to death.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- OK, you better come in. - OK. See you in a second.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Sorry about that. So because of Mr Cooper's standing...
0:14:10 > 0:14:15Alex, how can I have a serious conversation with you when you've got shit all over your face?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17DOG BARKS
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Brutus, that's enough!
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Go and wash it off.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24DOORBELL RINGS
0:14:28 > 0:14:30'Hello.'
0:14:30 > 0:14:33# What about me?
0:14:33 > 0:14:34# It isn't fair
0:14:34 > 0:14:35# I've had enough
0:14:35 > 0:14:38# Now I want my share
0:14:38 > 0:14:39# Can't you see...?
0:14:39 > 0:14:40DOG BARKS
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Shut up, Brutus!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44# I wanna live
0:14:44 > 0:14:46# But you just take... #
0:15:06 > 0:15:09MOBILE RINGS
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- Hello?- How'd you go?- (I can't talk now. I'm inside the house.)
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- That's great! What's he saying? - (He's not here. I'm with his wife.)
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- Where's Cooper? - I don't know, police station?
0:15:18 > 0:15:22- Far be it from me to tell you how to do your job, but why not ask? - I did. She doesn't know.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25How can she not know? She was with him!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Why do you say that?
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Well, according to the police, his wife was in the car with him.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- It couldn't have been his wife. - Interesting. We may have stumbled on something here.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40You better hurry up and file. As it stands, page one is blank.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43And don't you have a lavish musical to get to?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Just make sure you don't knock that lamp.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52We think the cleaners broke it. They're Catholics.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Oh.- I'll put the kettle on. - Oh, no, no...
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- Do you think that was already there? - I don't think so!
0:16:05 > 0:16:06I might try and find a bathroom.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Maybe you should try and get that off.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- Where's he going? - Oh, he just needs to wash his hands.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- You're going to see Phantom 2, aren't you?- Yes.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Well, when he gets back,
0:16:21 > 0:16:26how would you like to hear the title song to Phantom of the Opera 1?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Great!
0:16:32 > 0:16:37- Hey, mate.- Where are you off to? - Bathroom.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Is that her?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Yeah, I guess so.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Alex...
0:16:42 > 0:16:46Look me in the eye and tell me that's not Mr Tom Baker.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Oh, mate, don't go on about Doctor Who to her. We've got a show to get to.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Oh, no.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02What are you doing?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Well, I'm not standing in the foyer of the State Theatre.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07That's coming up OK.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08How long are we going be here?
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Now, I hope you don't mind.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I'm using this cup because I always drink out of it.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I'd give them to you but they're insanely expensive.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Mrs Cooper, do you know who was in the car with your husband?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- He was by himself, wasn't he? - The police said...- Hey!
0:17:27 > 0:17:32- The Invasion Of Time, episodes three to six. - So you're an actor as well?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I told Alex I'm the person he should be writing about.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- What's Tom Baker like? - Are you a Doctor Who fan?
0:17:37 > 0:17:41- To the point of lunacy. - Would you like to see something?
0:17:41 > 0:17:46- No!- It'd be an honour. - Come on, then.- Mate, two minutes.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- When does the show start? - 20 minutes.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Want to fool around?- No! - All right!
0:18:02 > 0:18:07- I will, however, let you arm-wrestle me.- What?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Come on, I've been doing a lot of Bikram yoga
0:18:10 > 0:18:12and I want to see how strong I am.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Wow, that was pathetic, even for a girl your size.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- How do you survive in this world? - I wasn't ready. Go again.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- What'd be the point?- OK, this time, let's make it more interesting.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32This time, if you win, I have to give you my photos of
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Misanthropic Eastern European Men Crying.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38And if I win, you have to give me your car.
0:18:38 > 0:18:44- That's crazy, Rita. You're not going to win.- You don't have anything to worry about, then, do you?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- Ready?- Mm-hm.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- Go.- You must be stronger than I thought you were!- Mmm, amazing.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Drop off the Misanthropic Eastern European Men Crying anytime.
0:18:59 > 0:19:04- Well, you'll have to pick them up yourself, because I don't have a car. - We've gotta get going.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06You go and find him and I'll have another crack at this.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- OK, and if you get into any danger, just give me a call. - Yeah, you'd be a great help!
0:19:10 > 0:19:15- Seriously, come up with a whistle or something, like a bird whistle. - You'll come and save me, will you?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Assuming I'm available, yes.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Oh, that's so reassuring! Thank you.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25'Alex felt that considering she'd just been humiliated in consecutive arm wrestles,
0:19:25 > 0:19:29'Rita seemed to have a perplexing amount of confidence.'
0:19:30 > 0:19:32It's the original.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36It can't be. If it's the original...
0:19:36 > 0:19:38it has a...
0:19:38 > 0:19:40hole in it.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44They created the hole to show where the scarf was blasted
0:19:44 > 0:19:47by the security system in The Ark In Space.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50He never made love without it.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I know.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- You want?- No, thanks.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I'm so sorry you had to see all this.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08Things have certainly changed since my tenure. That's for sure.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10What?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18It's all right, officer. I'm a doctor.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Bob?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03SHE WHISTLES PATHETICALLY
0:21:05 > 0:21:07SHE WHISTLES
0:21:10 > 0:21:14SHE WHISTLES
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Cheep! Cheep!
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Bob?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44SHE WHISTLES
0:21:59 > 0:22:01SHE WHISTLES
0:22:08 > 0:22:10MOBILE RINGS
0:22:11 > 0:22:12(Where are you?)
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Where are you?- I'm outside the spa.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20- Is that anywhere near the theatrette?- I don't know.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22What floor are you on?
0:22:22 > 0:22:23FLOORBOARDS CREAK
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Oh, hang on. Hang on, someone's coming.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28THEY SCREAM
0:22:51 > 0:22:56- What are you doing in my house? - Mr Cooper, I'm Alex Burchill.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57I'm from the Sunday Sun.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- LAUGHTER - What the fuck is going on?
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Oh, Bob. Bob!
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Darling! This is Bob.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07He's a massive Doctor Who fan.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Mr Cooper, just a few quick questions.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Do you think you'll be able to get off the charges?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13You want that thing smashed?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Is this the woman you were in the car with? Mr Cooper?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- You said it was over!- Well, it was!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Then it was on again, wasn't it?
0:23:20 > 0:23:24You said you could never be with someone who thinks Gareth Evans is our greatest ever...
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Christ's sake, woman, she's the mother of my only child!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29CAMERA CLICKS
0:23:33 > 0:23:37Yeah. Anyway, we've got tickets to a show. So it was great meeting you both.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39RUN!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Come here, you little piss-head!
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Sic 'em!
0:23:55 > 0:23:59DOGS BARK
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Jesus!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12DOGS BARK
0:24:16 > 0:24:18HE SCREAMS
0:24:22 > 0:24:25HE SCREAMS
0:24:25 > 0:24:29DOG BARKS
0:24:31 > 0:24:36- You OK?- Yeah. We're going to need tetanus shots.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37No, we won't, will we?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- Dog bites, mate. - Well, I won't be having one.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43- Are you still OK to go to the show? - No, mate.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- Yeah, it's probably a bit late anyway.- Where's Rita?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- Where was she? - She was right behind me!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- Rita!- Rita!
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Oh, she wouldn't have had a hope of getting over that wall.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I'm sure she'll be OK.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08But you do know that an artist's work
0:25:08 > 0:25:12goes up in value once they're...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14you know...dead.
0:25:16 > 0:25:23Actually, she gave me her Misanthropic Eastern European Men Crying series just before.
0:25:23 > 0:25:29- Did you get that in writing? - Get what in writing?- Hey!- Rita!
0:25:29 > 0:25:34- What happened to you?- Well, I saw the dogs were after you, so I went through into the neighbour's,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37which was lucky, since it was obviously every man for himself.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41You should have whistled. I didn't hear any whistling.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47'Sunday Sun.'
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Copy takers, thanks.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- 'Copy takers'.- Yeah, hi. It's Alex.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55- Can we call this one Cooper AB? - 'Calling it Cooper AB.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57'OK, go ahead, please.'
0:25:57 > 0:26:01OK, influential Melbourne broadcaster Jack Cooper has
0:26:01 > 0:26:05a long-term mistress and an illegitimate child, comma...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08'Jack Cooper was fined several hundred dollars and temporarily
0:26:08 > 0:26:12'suspended from his late-night radio show for inappropriate behaviour.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15'Many years later, Mr Cooper's illegitimate daughter, Holly,
0:26:15 > 0:26:19'would obtain worldwide recognition for her distinctive,
0:26:19 > 0:26:24'but ultimately frustrating, series Portraits Without Faces.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29'And Dr James and Sharna agreed never to mention their night out again.'
0:26:30 > 0:26:34# And so we say goodbye
0:26:34 > 0:26:38# That was the best show yet by far
0:26:38 > 0:26:41# It's not hard to work out why
0:26:41 > 0:26:48# Oh, Mrs Cooper, what a star!
0:26:48 > 0:26:52# A legend you are
0:26:52 > 0:26:59# You stole that show from Adam Zwar! #