0:00:02 > 0:00:04- Sharna's comedian boyfriend broke up with her. - Want to fool around?
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Go.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08You must be stronger than I thought.
0:00:08 > 0:00:09First she'll be taking her face off.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Your name?
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Peter Helliar?
0:00:15 > 0:00:17'Burchill lines up the shot.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18'Ooh! Oops!
0:00:21 > 0:00:24'Burchill fires away with a three-wood.
0:00:24 > 0:00:29'Stunning! And a great hand for this sensational Australian player.'
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Mate! Mike Lavish couldn't have done it better.
0:00:34 > 0:00:39Thanks, mate. I'm actually playing in the celebrity pro-am on Sunday.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Oh, how did you get into that?
0:00:41 > 0:00:42- You know.- Amazing.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45'Geraghty steps up to the tee.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48'Well, he'll be disappointed with that.'
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- I'm disappointed with that. - 'Yes, I thought he would be.'
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Ah, here we go, mate.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Thanks, buddy.
0:00:59 > 0:01:06'Geraghty's selected a five-iron for this shot out of the rough.'
0:01:06 > 0:01:09MOBILE RINGS
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Hello?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- What do you think of Holly? - I don't know. Who is she?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I'm thinking of changing my name.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23Rita, you can't keep calling me up all the time on these little whims!
0:01:23 > 0:01:27I mean, what happens when I start seeing someone else? SHE GUFFAWS
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Aw! What about Lucia? I quite like Lucia too.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Wouldn't it be a bit of a hassle?
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Yeah, I guess so. Maybe I'll just stick with Rita.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- You done? - Yeah. Sorry, mate. You go.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50'And that's a marvellous stroke from Gera... Oh, bad luck.'
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- It was Rita.- No shit.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Thought it might have been urgent.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05So you turn your phone off when it's your shot.
0:02:05 > 0:02:11Mate, no offence. My phone ringing is the least of your problems. And this is for a birdie.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13You mean a par.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17No, I drove onto the green and this is my second shot.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19So you're not counting the air swing?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21What air swing?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- On the tee. - That was a practice shot.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26There was intent to hit the ball. And where there's intent...
0:02:26 > 0:02:29There was no intent. It was a practice shot.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31So you didn't try to hit the ball?
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- Is this about me having my phone on? - No. It's whether I can trust you.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38It would be impossible for a golfer of my calibre to take an air swing.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42You said it yourself. Lavish couldn't have done it better.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Would he ever miss the ball? No. He would never miss the ball.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49He missed the ball.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- This is the Australian Masters?- Yep.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- How many strokes did he win by?- One.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Oh, mate.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02No, you've done the right thing.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12# The wintergreen, the juniper
0:03:12 > 0:03:16# The cornflower and the chicory
0:03:16 > 0:03:19# Well, all of the words you said to me
0:03:19 > 0:03:23# Are still vibrating in the air
0:03:23 > 0:03:27# The elm, the ash and the linden tree
0:03:27 > 0:03:31# The dark and deep enchanted sea
0:03:31 > 0:03:35# The trembling moon and the stars unfurled
0:03:35 > 0:03:39# Well, there she goes, my beautiful world
0:03:39 > 0:03:43# There she goes, my beautiful world
0:03:43 > 0:03:46# There she goes, my beautiful world
0:03:46 > 0:03:50# There she goes, my beautiful world
0:03:50 > 0:03:55# There she goes again. #
0:03:58 > 0:04:00'Like many ailing newspapers,
0:04:00 > 0:04:05'The Sunday Sun sub-let part of its office space to a private business.'
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Gary Duffy.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10How are you? Gary Duffy. Hi.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Well, that's the hair.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Gary Duffy. How are you?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18'Hi-Tech Hair Solutions was a rapidly growing company
0:04:18 > 0:04:24'that had developed a breakthrough technology for making hair appear on bald heads.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26'Otherwise known as a wig.'
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- Janine Burton.- Hello, Janine.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31What's going on?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34(When we got in, the desks were like this and Gary was moving in.)
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- Gary, eh?- (We met in the lift.)
0:04:36 > 0:04:41- (You don't think the paper's in trouble?)- No, the boss would've told us if it were.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Hi, mate. I thought your article on AC/DC was really nicely written.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50- Thanks, mate. - However, I did feel that you focused a bit too much on Malcolm,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52when Angus is clearly the star.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- I mean, you do know that Angus can play guitar one-handed?- Right.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Gary Duffy. How are you?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Alex Burchill. Good.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Hey, Alex. Did you really play golf this morning?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Yeah.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Seriously or ironically?
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Seriously.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Oh, right.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- INTERCOM:- Alex Burchill.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20KNOCK ON DOOR Boss?
0:05:21 > 0:05:25I'd like you to meet an old mate of mine. Paul Mountfoot.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- Mountfoot? Mike Lavish's caddie? - Former caddie.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32What's he like? I'm a huge fan.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Oh, you'll love this, then. Come around.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Why would I love that?
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Sshh.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- So that's three, Mr Lavish.- Two.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51So you're not counting the air swing?!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54What air swing? That was a practice shot.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58- Technically, Mr Lavish, the intent was there to hit it, and where there's intent...- Put a two.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Lavish won the Masters by one stroke. So it's big.
0:06:01 > 0:06:07There's a press conference to launch the Mike Lavish Golf game and you're going to be there.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09What happened to caddie loyalty?
0:06:09 > 0:06:14He contravened the rules as laid down by the Royal And Ancient Golf Club Of St Andrews.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- He addressed the ball and swung with intent to strike.- We'll make copies of the tape.- Is it that big a deal?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21It's huge! Do you know how many golfers buy newspapers?
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- No.- Well, I don't either. But I bet there's a few.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30'22,321 in the greater Melbourne metropolitan area alone.'
0:06:35 > 0:06:39So glad you're here. Come on, sweetheart! I know you're a big fan.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Actually, I'm fine.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Sorry, I'm on these egg-stimulating hormones.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46I'm on an emotional roller-coaster.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Have you found a suitable donor?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51No. But I've found hair in the most amazing places!
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Wow.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- You coming to the range afterwards? - No.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Yeah. Lavish is taking a few of us down to the driving range
0:07:09 > 0:07:12to give us some pointers. Where necessary.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Good to see you keep a professional distance from your subject.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Oh, mate, you've got to lighten up.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21You'll be old before your time.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25APPLAUSE
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Just want to introduce Mike Lavish,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32winner of the 2010 Australian Masters.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34APPLAUSE
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Thank you. Thanks very much for coming.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39We've taken some time to get this little game right.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41And we think we've got a real winner.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44So if you like golf, you'll love Mike Lavish Golf.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48And might I add, it's nice to be able to say that
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I've finally done something that impresses my kids.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:52 > 0:07:55We'll open it up for some questions.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I've got a question for Mr Lavish.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Would you mind talking us through the air swing
0:07:59 > 0:08:02you took on the 16th hole during the final day of the Masters?
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- What are you talking about? - He doesn't know what you're talking about.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10In the scrub on the 16th hole, you went to hit the ball but you missed.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14That was a practice swing, mate. Any other questions?
0:08:14 > 0:08:19- You know the swing I'm referring to? - Mate, you're making an idiot of yourself.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- Public idiot of yourself. - If you counted the air swing, it would've gone to a play-off.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- You're calling me a cheat? - I'm just asking if you recall the incident.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30He's answered the question, Alex. Right, anyone else?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33If you need a reminder, I've got the footage on my mobile.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Get out!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK:- What the hell d'you think you're trying to do?!
0:08:50 > 0:08:51God!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55'Alex suddenly got an unwelcome and vivid image
0:08:55 > 0:08:59'of Hope van der Boom's errant tufts of hair.'
0:09:04 > 0:09:09- That was an ironic turn of events. - Just for the record, I don't believe it was an air swing.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Well, you wouldn't, would ya?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Headache?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Everyone just keeps ringing me on my mobile.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18I'm worried it might be a tumour.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22I still maintain there are serious doubts over your integrity,
0:09:22 > 0:09:26but I'm willing to put it aside for the moment. Give me your hand.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- What? Why? - Just give me your hand.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33You have such delicate hands.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- OK, that's enough, mate.- Wait!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Ow!
0:09:38 > 0:09:39How's your head?
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Actually, much better.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- It's the Chinese acupressure point for pain.- That's amazing.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I got to get going. Got an appointment with Gary
0:09:47 > 0:09:48at Hi-Tech Hair Solutions.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Appointment for what?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I think I might be going bald.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Mate, take it from me. You're not going bald.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Gary said up to 97% of men face hair loss at some point in their lives.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02But if I act now, there might be time to save it.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- That's because you're not going bald. - And I don't intend to.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I'd give you a lift but there's still a little matter
0:10:08 > 0:10:10of a confession I'm waiting for.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- I don't even want a lift. Good cos you're not getting one.- Good(!)
0:10:24 > 0:10:29I'm so sorry, Mr Lavish. I personally never believed it was an air swing.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30When you write for the Sunday Sun,
0:10:30 > 0:10:34sometimes you have to ask questions you don't want to ask.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41My caddie give you that footage, did he?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I'm sorry. There's no way I can reveal my sources.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Skinny guy, neatly dressed? Mousy-brown mop top?- Yes.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50He was a greenskeeper at Beechworth on 300 a week when I hired him.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I've taken him all over the world.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Where's the gratitude?
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- You need to trust your caddie. - There's a code. You don't break the code.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Exactly. Why doesn't somebody write about THAT?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03They're going to. Check out Sunday's paper.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05You play a bit of golf, do you?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Oh, just some amateur stuff.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- Although I'm thinking of taking the PGA test.- Are you?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- Show us your swing.- Really?- Yeah.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Yeah, look, there's a problem with your stance. Here, spin around.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26So it's all about your set-up. Keep that toe in a fraction.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28That toe out a bit. There you go. Bend at the hips.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Nice, easy swing.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- Feel the difference?- Yeah!
0:11:32 > 0:11:35You need to drag your toe back when you come back with...
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Ow! Jeez, that...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- You all right?- Yeah.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42That really hurt. I'm going to go get that checked out.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07'Meanwhile, Sharna was still dealing with
0:12:07 > 0:12:09'the break-up of her relationship.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12'But as her mum used to say, "There's no tragedy so great
0:12:12 > 0:12:14'"that a bit of lippie and a new hairdo can't fix it."'
0:12:14 > 0:12:15You look nice.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Thanks!
0:12:17 > 0:12:18James back yet?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21He shouldn't be long. Did you hurt your hand?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Mmm. Need to make sure I'm OK for the celebrity pro-am.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Cos I'm playing in it.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30OK.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- HE EXHALES:- G'day, mate!
0:12:33 > 0:12:38Just whip these off and I'll be with you in a tick, all right?
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Hmm. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Are you sure you don't want to get changed?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48No, I'm all right. I know you're always in a hurry.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50There's definitely some bruising.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Looks like you came into contact with something hard.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55That's brilliant, mate.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58You have very delicate hands. Don't go punching people with these.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00They're not made for fighting.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04These hands, these hands are made for typing. Sharna?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07All right, so you think I'll be OK for the pro-am?
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Mmm, I'd be looking at building up some strength first, if I were you.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Sharna, come and have a look at Alex's hands.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16They're like girls' hands! See?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Oh, they're very feminine!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Yeah. I wouldn't say feminine. Refined, maybe.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- Dainty. Dainty, wouldn't you say? - Yes. Dainty.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Thanks, Sharna. That'll be all. Hmmm.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Right, so how do I build up my hands?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Well, it's funny you should ask.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36A rep came by this morning and introduced me to this stuff.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Fizzy Mac sports drink.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- Apparently it helps build muscle mass and reduces healing time by 50%!- Wow!
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Golfers who take it are adding another 20 metres to their drive.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Really?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52There you go.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56You can get it at any pharmacy or selected health and nutrition store.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Thanks, mate.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59You're welcome.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02'Australian Masters winner Mike Lavish is in a coma.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05'Lavish was found unconscious earlier today by his manager,
0:14:05 > 0:14:07'following a heated press conference.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10'Sunday Sun journalist Alex Burchill is wanted for questioning
0:14:10 > 0:14:13'in relation to a possible assault.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16'And in other news, scientists in California have...'
0:14:16 > 0:14:18MOBILE PHONE RINGING
0:14:21 > 0:14:25'Hi. You've phoned Alex. Please leave a message.'
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Alex!
0:14:30 > 0:14:33You are a redhead, aren't you, Alex?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I'm flattered you use the present tense, Janine.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Should you be here?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I'd rather be opening the bowling for Australia
0:14:39 > 0:14:40but that dream went to Perth.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Alex. Nice swing.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Yeah. Thanks.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I better make sure I don't get on the wrong side of you.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Yeah, cos I'm really scary(!)
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Hey, Alex. Way to wallop a cheating golf pro.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Yeah! What?!
0:14:58 > 0:14:59'Alex Burchill.'
0:15:02 > 0:15:05'Alex was beginning to get the vague sensation
0:15:05 > 0:15:08'that something was not quite right.'
0:15:08 > 0:15:09What's up?
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Mate, whatever happens, the Sunday Sun is right behind you 101%.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Great!
0:15:16 > 0:15:20We've got a team of lawyers at your disposal. We'll argue self-defence.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21What?!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23If this paper were in trouble, which it's not,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26this story would really dig us out of the hole, which we're not in.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27OK.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29So we'll splash on your first-person account
0:15:29 > 0:15:32and follow it up every week for as long as he's in a coma...
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Hang on. Who's in a coma?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36What do you mean?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Who's in a coma?
0:15:38 > 0:15:39You honestly don't know?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41No.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47'Doctors say it's too early to tell when or even if the 38-year-old
0:15:47 > 0:15:49'champion is likely to regain consciousness.'
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Us against them, mate.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55'And ABC News has just obtained security footage of the attack.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59'which is also in the hands of police investigating the matter.'
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Oh, my God!
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Gee! Aw! Hadn't actually seen that. You king-hit him!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08I thought it was just an old-fashioned push and shove.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10No, It was an accident. I was showing him my swing.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Oh, dear, oh, dear. Then you just walk away.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Ooh! That's callous.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Alex Burchill?
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Watch the hand, mate. Oi! Careful!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Argh!
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Hi. I'm Gary Duffy from Hi-Tech Hair Solutions.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Did you know that nine out of ten men
0:16:44 > 0:16:47and four out of ten females will face hair loss
0:16:47 > 0:16:49at some point in their lives?
0:16:49 > 0:16:50That's a lot of men and females.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Male baldness is also known as androgenetic alopecia,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56which is Latin.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Female baldness is very complex,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00but it doesn't appear to have a Latin name, which is funny.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03But what isn't funny is baldness.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Hi-Tech Hair Solutions... before it's too late.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10And also during and after it's too late.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16PHONE RINGING
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Hello?
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Hey, mate. It's me.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Oh, hello.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Look, I thought I'd better let you know that I'm actually in the nick,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26so I won't be home for dinner.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27All right then. See ya.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28What?!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Was there something else?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32No, I thought that'd probably be enough.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Righto. See ya then.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Hang on!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- What?- Bail's set at 5,000, in case you're interested.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Oh, so you want to talk to me now?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- Yeah.- Well, I dunno if I can be arsed talking to you.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Maybe I should've let your call go through to the keeper,
0:17:44 > 0:17:47like some other individuals are in the habit of doing.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Mate, I was trying not to use my phone
0:17:49 > 0:17:52cos there's a very real possibility it's giving me a brain tumour.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Plus, I thought I'd see you at the office.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I just don't know if I know you any more.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00You know me. Seriously, buddy, you've got to stop being so needy.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Righto, then.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03So do you reckon you could bail me out?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I don't think so. I'm with a couple of mates, actually.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08What about a character reference?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Do you still maintain it was a practice swing? - It WAS a practice swing.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Yeah. I'm afraid a character reference is out of the question.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16You do know you're my one phone call?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Am I? That's a shame.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Hung up.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Is there a bathroom around here?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I wouldn't wake him if I was you.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48LOUD SNORING
0:18:55 > 0:18:57You've got a visitor. >
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Hey, mate.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Hey, man.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Do you know how long it took me to get here?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- 20...- 17 and a half minutes.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06From Elsternwick! 17 and a half.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10How long you going to be here? I reckon by this time next week, I could have that down to 14.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12That's great, mate.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Hey, look, um... I thought I should warn you.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Don't let them give you a urine test.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21OK. Why not?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Well, remember that Fizzy Mac sports drink you had?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Yeah.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Turns out it contains anabolic steroids.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Been found in some people to cause violent outbursts.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38The boss is very sorry he could not be here in person.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39That's fine.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43He has nevertheless organised a live chat via this mobile phone.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- Alex!- Boss.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46The lawyers have looked at your case.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49If you plead guilty, you're looking at five to seven.
0:19:49 > 0:19:54If Lavish dies, God forbid, then you can add another ten years onto that.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56It was an accident. When Lavish comes to, he'll back me up!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Hey! How about you write a series on life in the big house?
0:19:59 > 0:20:04We'll put it on three, every week. "Alex Burchill's Prison Diaries".
0:20:04 > 0:20:07All the details - the exercise yard, the violence, being someone's bitch.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08The readers will lap it up!
0:20:08 > 0:20:09What about bail?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Don't worry about that. The paper will cover it. How much is it?
0:20:12 > 0:20:145,000.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- HE WHISTLES - It's not that bad in there, is it?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I just can't believe that you're here!
0:20:19 > 0:20:22As if you'd deliberately hurt anyone!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I mean, look at that sweet face, and those delicate hands.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30I was just showing him my swing. Any news?
0:20:30 > 0:20:31He's still in a coma.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33It's just so good to see you.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36It's been one long conga line of clowns.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Is there anything I can do to help?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40What makes people regain consciousness?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Maybe there's an acupressure point.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43There's sure to be.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Bob got rid of my headache this morning by rubbing my hand just here.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Leave it to me.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- OK.- Oh!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56A friend of mine gave me this.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59It tells new inmates how to avoid... you know.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Really?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Being sodomised.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- But it's just the local lock-up! - Look after yourself, OK?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08I'll see what I can do about Lavish.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Thank you.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23'Never sit down to urinate.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25'It's a signal that you want to play the girl.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29'Another sign that you are happy to take one for the team
0:21:29 > 0:21:31'is a vertical pillow.
0:21:32 > 0:21:38'But most importantly, to avoid anal penetration, you must...'
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- Oi!- Hey. Hey.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- Alex Burchill.- Yeah.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Yeah. I read your column every week. - Oh, thanks.
0:21:46 > 0:21:51Mark. Everyone calls me Cracker, cos I cracked a bloke's skull open once.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Hey, really impressed with that AC/DC story of yours.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Thank you.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Yeah. You know, if I had a criticism, it'd just be it was a little Angus-heavy.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Angus can play guitar one-handed.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Yeah. And then I'm not quite sure about the wisdom of leading in with
0:22:06 > 0:22:09that anecdote about Bon sticking up for Angus in a bar fight.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11But Angus had just got new teeth.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Yeah, see, you should've led with the story where
0:22:13 > 0:22:16they refuse to play at the opening of the Olympic Games.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19That's just another story about AC/DC being contrary.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Then you trivialise the article by talking about Angus drinking milkshakes?!
0:22:23 > 0:22:27I mean, you're underestimating the intelligence of your readership.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31The number one requirement when writing for a mass-circulation newspaper
0:22:31 > 0:22:35is you've got to keep your finger on the pulse.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41MACHINES BEEPING
0:22:57 > 0:23:01I mean, I feel sometimes you talk down to your reader a bit.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06I mean, we are interested in things other than who is and who isn't bleaching their arsehole.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08'Australian Masters winner Mike Lavish made a miraculous recovery.'
0:24:08 > 0:24:10'Lavish was questioned by police.'
0:24:10 > 0:24:14'Police today dropped charges against Sunday Sun journalist Alex Burchill...'
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Hello?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Bob?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Hey! Surprise!
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Hey!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- Welcome home. Welcome!- Aw!
0:24:29 > 0:24:34Look, I just want to really thank you for standing by me in my hour of need.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36No worries, mate. You're welcome.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Whereas some people didn't feel the need to visit me.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Some people understand that a principle had been breached.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Right, so some people are still pissed off
0:24:46 > 0:24:48because they think a certain person took an air swing
0:24:48 > 0:24:50when it was clearly a practice swing.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Yes, some people could clearly discern an intent to hit the ball.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56If some people say they took a practice swing,
0:24:56 > 0:24:59then why can't other people just take their word for it?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Just to be clear, are any of these people in this room?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Some people have a code of ethics.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Some people feel that a friendship is more important than a code of ethics.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Some people don't put other people in a position where
0:25:11 > 0:25:13they have to choose between the two.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- It's actually a really good point, babe.- Mmm.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19OK.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21A certain person is willing to concede one stroke
0:25:21 > 0:25:23for the sake of the friendship.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26One stroke?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28It's a concession, not a confession.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32So you won by 55 strokes and not 56?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Agreed.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41'This concession by Alex showed great strength of character,
0:25:41 > 0:25:45'as he had maintained his position on the practice swing for so long,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47'he'd actually come to believe it.'
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Just letting you guys know...
0:26:04 > 0:26:07there's a little drug-testing booth on the next tee.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Drug-testing?
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Yeah. Steroids, stuff like that. It's nothing for you to worry about.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Golf Australia's just going nuts with the "keeping it clean" thing.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd