0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Nah, I can't do it. That's going to hurt.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Here we go.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17- MOBEEN!- Oi!
0:00:17 > 0:00:19What are you doing home from school so early?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21If you bothered to check your phone, you'd know.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22What are you chatting on about, sis?
0:00:22 > 0:00:24I ain't had no calls or text messages...
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Oh, I'm sorry, Aks.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27I had my phone on silent.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29I've been suspended.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30What for?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32These two Year 11 girls were bullying a Year 8 girl,
0:00:32 > 0:00:34- and I weren't having it. - OK, and what did you do?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I knocked one out, and the other one went and grassed me up.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41- My...- Aren't you angry?- No.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Aren't you going to tell me off?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46No, I hate bullies. I'm proud of you, kiddo.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I'll come in and tell your year head on Monday what I think.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51It's the start of my GCSE courses, I've been suspended for fighting,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54and I'm going to miss vital revision classes,
0:00:54 > 0:00:56all because I couldn't control my temper.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Couldn't control your temper? - I couldn't control my temper!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01And you don't think that maybe you should be
0:01:01 > 0:01:04explaining how I might have made the wrong decision today?
0:01:04 > 0:01:08I mean, when you put it like that, yeah, I can see some negatives.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Why...you always walking off on me for, man?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Acting like you're the boss. I'm the boss of this house.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- What did you say?- No, no, nothing. I didn't say nothing to you.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26# This speech is my recital I think it's very vital
0:01:26 > 0:01:27- # To rock - A rhyme
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- # That's right - On time
0:01:29 > 0:01:31# It's Tricky is the title, here we go
0:01:31 > 0:01:34# It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time
0:01:34 > 0:01:36# It's tricky
0:01:36 > 0:01:37- # It's Tricky - Tricky
0:01:37 > 0:01:38- # Tricky - Tricky
0:01:38 > 0:01:40# It's tricky to rock a rhyme
0:01:40 > 0:01:42# To rock a rhyme that's right on time
0:01:42 > 0:01:44# It's tricky... #
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Hey, freeze...
0:01:47 > 0:01:49..before I shoot you in the man milks.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Whoa, whoa, whoa. Right.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54You know I've got gynecomastia, it's a medical condition.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- What's wrong with you? - All right, calm down.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58No need to get your man boobs all in a twist.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- I've got to go, I've got to go. - Hey, hey, come here, come here.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Relax. I'm just telling your uncle what a good boy you are.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11Hey, you remember when you helped my Ibrahim out with his maths GCSE?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14When I gave him MDMA an hour before he sat the exam?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16And he got an MDM-A star.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- How's Aksa?- Well, listen, man, at the moment, hard work.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I don't know what I'm doing wrong, man, but it's just not working.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Maybe she needs her mum, I don't know, man.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29And you can't help, even with your ample bosom?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Listen, young man, you need to take a leaf out of my Ibrahim's book.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35He added a female perspective to his life and got married.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Hey, arranged by the family.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Best thing he ever did.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Listen, Uncle Habib, yeah, with all due respect,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43yeah, I ain't taking your advice on women.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45You're still banned from the swimming pool.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46That case is still pending.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48You can't be a mother to her.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Not even with those breasticles.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Listen - one more joke
0:02:53 > 0:02:56and I'm going to send you a picture of these on WhatsApp later.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I won't send it to you. But I'll send it to you!
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Oi, listen, calm down.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01You used to be a bad man round these parts.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02You've turned things around.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- Well, yeah.- Bad man?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- Bloody scum.- Oh, come on.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11He's turned things around. Responsibility, the focus, the dean.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Anyone would be proud to call you their son-in-law.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Hold on a minute.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I'm not into all that arranged marriage thing, though.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21I mean, I'm touched and that, that you two want me to consider your
0:03:21 > 0:03:24daughters. I'll consider it. Yeah, I'll consider it, innit?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Our daughters? You're bloody joking.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I'd rather she did a suicide bombing.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I will put the vest on her myself.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Fucking hell!
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Don't worry,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41if you change your mind I'm sure there's someone we can find for you.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Hey, the world is full of middle-aged divorcees.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Bloody scum. - That's not very nice, is it?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03What do I want here?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05# Mama, can I huh, mama, can I huh, huh can I mama,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07# Won't you please let me, mama, can I, huh...
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Hey, handsome! Oh, looking at you, you know.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Good to see you, bro, you all right? Are you all right, yeah?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15# That's the sweetest little dress
0:04:15 > 0:04:17# Sally, where'd you get the pattern?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19# Made me one just like it out of yellow dotted swiss
0:04:22 > 0:04:25# Yes, I guess we got the earliest garden in the county
0:04:25 > 0:04:28# Beneath the strawberries are a heap of snappin' green beans...
0:04:31 > 0:04:32What?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34# Mama make Willie quit pulling at my hair!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37# Mama, ouch! Ouch! Mama, just make Willie quit it!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39# Tommy, if ya don't put down that stick
0:04:39 > 0:04:42# I'm gonna wear you out with it, boy, be quick
0:04:42 > 0:04:44# Come quick, Sammy Jean stuck her finger in a Coke bottle
0:04:44 > 0:04:47# Can't get it out cos it's stuck, stuck, stuck
0:04:47 > 0:04:49# Now I told you my mama didn't raise no fool
0:04:49 > 0:04:52# I can do anything if I got the right tools
0:04:52 > 0:04:55# Mama can I huh, mama can I huh, huh... #
0:04:55 > 0:04:57What the hell is this?!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Aksa?!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I need to talk to you. I don't know how to say this, but...
0:05:07 > 0:05:11- Is it your breath?- No, it isn't.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12- When I was your age... - You had no friends.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14No, listen to what I'm saying.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Loads of spots. - No, you've got to listen.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18At least these spots stop people noticing your breath.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Boys! Yeah? Sorry.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Boys, yeah? What do you think of boys there?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I think they are human beings.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33But, no, w-w-what I mean to say is, like, you know, like,
0:05:33 > 0:05:37at your age, boys and that comes to you like,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40"Yeah, can I have your Snapchat and that?"
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Well then, stab him. Or tell me and I'll stab him for you.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47It's stressing me out, this.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- I can't believe you, Mobeen. - All boys are just weirdos.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- Don't talk to them, please. - Oh, my days.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54You think I mess around with boys and that?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58I swear all men are stupid, thick idiots.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Yeah, but not me cos, like,
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I'm not a stupid thick idiot and I'm your mate.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I wish I had a mum here sometimes and not just a brother.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09No, but that's not fair, like.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12We've discussed this. I can be a mother figure to you.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Yeah, you can be a real mother...figger sometimes.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Oi, oi, oi, that's rude.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Oi.- You scared me, bro.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- Give us a cuddle, man. - Oh, man, how are you doing?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39I'm all right, bro.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- Are you all right, yeah? - Mate, that's one too many.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- Just three, just three. - All right.- Yeah?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I think it's three, I don't even know where that comes from.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Where's Nate?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54He's not here.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- Thank you, Shitlock Holmes. - Shall we just go?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00No, he said he's going to meet us here.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02You know what he's like. If we leave, he'll freak out.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Just stay here.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Put your arms out. Up like that. Like yoga, that's it.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"I'm Mobeen!"
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Ah!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Do you know what sexting is?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- Yeah.- What?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32It's when... It's when...
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Um... Huh...
0:07:37 > 0:07:39It's shapes, isn't it? When you have a six-sided shape.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44How tired are you? Very tired.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Let's just go!- Wait, man.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Go faster, go faster, go faster.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Go faster! Careful!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Come on, come on.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53No, no, no. Are you all right now?
0:07:53 > 0:07:57- Yeah.- Look, if you concentrate on one spot, you won't feel dizzy.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59You've got three spots.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- Are you OK? - I've been worried sick, man.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I was waiting for you two outside a mosque.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09No, you haven't, cos we're outside the mosque now, look.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- What mosque were you at?- The one where all the Muslims come out of.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Muslims come out of every mosque, Nate.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17But there's, like, 64 mosques in ends.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Why can't you all just pray at the same one?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25How can we all pray in the same mosque?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I haven't got an answer. That's really profound, that is.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- Cheers, mate.- Yeah?- Are you not going to shout at him?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- You're shouting at him. - Why is he so late?
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Books? Have you?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36If that was me, you'd have shouted at me.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Well...- I'm going to pick stuff up in the supermarket, I don't care.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47He don't learn. Every single...
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Since we were kids. He's like a bloody grocery pervert.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- Do we need this? - Do YOU need sanitary towels?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- I don't know what that is. - Brother, put it back, then!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Why are you always touching things?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00All the time, touching, touching, touching. Have you got your list?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- Yeah, Aky gave it me.- Good, just stick to the things on there, yeah?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- All right.- Even the little cheeses in Asda, yeah,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08you get to try them before you buy them,
0:09:08 > 0:09:09and that's just cheese, innit?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I'm proper allergic to cheese.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I don't want you to do anything you're going to regret,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15and you said arranged marriage wasn't your thing.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Domino's stuffed crust gives me haemorrhoids, actually, I think.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20OK, look, man, I know what I said,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23but you know as well as me that sooner rather than later,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Aksa's going to need that strong female role model in her life.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Yeah, but arranged marriage? Look, I know I'm not a Muslim, yeah,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31but is marrying your cousin really the right answer?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34I would never marry my cousin, innit?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36He proper loves cheese.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Yeah, look, I think you're getting your arranged marriages
0:09:40 > 0:09:42and you're forced marriages mixed up, blood.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- You don't have to marry your cousin. - You sure?- Of course, man.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Listen, nowadays, arranged marriage goes down so you know
0:09:47 > 0:09:50your daughter ain't falling in love with her old man.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Shotting off his ten bags of weed
0:09:52 > 0:09:55with his zero-hour contract at Sports Direct.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57It's like a vetting process, I suppose.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I probably wouldn't marry a vet as well, actually.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Look, at the end of the day, if you don't like them,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04you don't marry them and that.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08But you do still get to go to their house, eat bear free munch and...
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Oi, listen.- What? - ..see some PENG milfs!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13You understand what I'm saying? Bruv, I mean, like,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16these aunties are outshining their daughters for junk.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17That's true. I heard that, actually.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Like, for example, I would proper marry your mum, innit?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Cos you both know what the craic is from the start, yeah?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25You don't have to sit there scrolling through each others'
0:10:25 > 0:10:27selfies and pretending you like the violin just to impress them.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Look, man, I know I said I'd never do it,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32but I can't rule out arranged marriage right now, boys.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I think arranged marriages are proper bullshit.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Still no girls will see you, innit? - None!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Look at me, I'm a geezer in his late 20s living with his little sister
0:10:42 > 0:10:45earning 17 grand a year after tax.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47The girls ain't brawlin' over your boy any more.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Actually, there is another way.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Go on.- What if me and Nate, yeah, we move in with you,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54and the three of us, we look after Little Aks.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56It's been done before. I seen it.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57How many times, yeah?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Three Men And A Baby was a film, not a documentary, bruv.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Then how come it's on Channel 4, then?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Social services would have been all over Ted Danson.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06And actually, boys, even though we loved it when we were kids,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09I've re-watched it a couple of weeks ago...it was shit!
0:11:09 > 0:11:13- How dare you.- No. But The Goonies is still the greatest of all time.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- You understand what I'm saying when I say what I say, innit? - Wicked. I love that film.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Remember when that fat one does like, that truffle shuffle truffle.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I loved that one, cos he's all like...
0:11:24 > 0:11:26No, no, no, but he didn't do that, though, did he?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28He didn't do that. Come on.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37- Shall I get this?- Is it on the list? - No.- Well, put it back, then.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Look. Dinosaur shapes.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- Do you want them?- Yeah.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- Anything else you want?- No.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Don't sound so surprised. You've got a lot to offer.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Look at you, you are highly domesticated.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Are you going to wash your hands?!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09No. Overrated.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11You're like a little Mary Poppins...
0:12:11 > 0:12:13..who used to sell the hard-core cannabis.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Who is spreading these rumours? I never sold no drugs, all right?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19But I feel very honoured that your daughter
0:12:19 > 0:12:22might consider me for marriage, so I'll think about it, yeah?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25No chance. Why do you keep asking that?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Why would I subject my beautiful daughter
0:12:28 > 0:12:30to such a shit life, stuck with you? Huh?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Aww. You're such a nice person, Uncle Habib.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Imagine if you were a complete dickhead.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40In other news, you're going to meet a very nice girl
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- and her father about getting married.- What?!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- Huh? When?- Tonight.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Can you discuss these things with me before you start arranging stuff?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Calm down, you just go there and be yourself.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Well, not your actual self, be someone better, you know?
0:12:53 > 0:12:59- Much better.- Who's the girl? - You know Brother Ahmed?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Always prays on the front row?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04You know, really boring, never smiles, rarely speaks?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07No. But he sounds like a right giggle!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- It's his daughter.- No, Uncle Habs.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11It still feels weird.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Just go there and try it.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15This process isn't magic, bastard.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17You go there, see what it's like.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18And after meeting,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22you'll be aware of what a woman is looking for in a husband.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24And don't you worry, I'm coming with you.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26No, no, no. It's OK.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- It's OK.- We go together.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30We won't go together, it's fine. I'm a big man now.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- It's fine.- I am coming with you.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Lovely.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Tastes of washing-up liquid.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43You are disgusting.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Yeah, yeah, I'm almost there, Uncle Habib.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50What do you mean you ain't coming?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Well, why is she trying to kill you?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Why didn't you clear your search history, you dirty, dirty old man?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00You make me sick, you do.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Well, I'm here now. What do you want me to do?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Now, please, please, please, please don't send him.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08- He's a weirdo.- Who's a weirdo?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15What do I do with him, man?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20All right, Uncle Shady?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Any last-minute advice and that, or...?
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Yeah, don't be a bastard.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Keep this off, yeah?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Assalamualaikum, Brother Ahmed, you all right?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Welcome.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Come on inside. Take your shoes off, please.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47OK.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52It smells lovely in here, Brother Ahmed.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54It smells shit.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56What?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21So...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24..it was a shame for Habib.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Apparently his wife witnessed the whole thing.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Yeah, bless her, she saw him go over on his ankle and he broke it.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33- Yeah, so...- Ankle?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36She caught him watching the pornography.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38What?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Your house, yeah, it's beautiful.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Thank you for inviting us here today.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- Thank you.- And your carpet is very, very white.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Almost racist-ly white.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Anyway, enough of the small talk, did you see the picture of Khadijah?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- What did you think? - Yeah, I did, Brother Ahmed,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04she's...she's very pretty.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05She's... She's beautiful.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10- He told Habib she's high quality brown poom-poom.- Oh!
0:16:10 > 0:16:11What's brown poom-poom?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I'm sorry? A musical instrument and that.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Assalamualaikum, uncle.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20So, it's...um, Mobeen.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Mobeen...
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- ..Dean.- Yeah, that's right, yeah.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Sorry, we've had a couple of Mobeens come through the process before
0:16:28 > 0:16:31and they were both very thick.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- Are all Mobeens thick?- Yes!
0:16:35 > 0:16:37You all right, Khadijah?
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Thumbs up, no-one's used that as a greeting since '98.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43No need for this to be awkward.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Let's start off nice and light, shall we?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- Yeah.- Yeah, keep it easy.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Let's do it.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51What do you think of women?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Sorry?- Women. What do you think?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Well, I think women are amazing. Like, phenomenal.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Just powerful and strong and that, and...
0:17:08 > 0:17:09..if I weren't a man...
0:17:10 > 0:17:12..I'd be a woman.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15He has the tits for it.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Come on.- He does have...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19He does have tits.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Make a note of that.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26You don't mind if we film this, do you?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29It's for our relatives back home in Pakistan, obviously.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- Obviously.- I couldn't give a shit.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38So, we understand that your parental situation is complicated.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Can you share a bit about that with us, please?
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Yeah.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Well, my mum and dad, they got divorced when I was quite young
0:17:47 > 0:17:51and I haven't seen my old man for the last 20 years. But my mum,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53she was amazing, man. She did everything for us.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56It's just, she got remarried when I was a teenager, you see, and...
0:17:56 > 0:17:58It's a very boring story.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05The start of a tough time, he was arrogant and abusive, and...
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I would have knocked him spark out.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I did. Several times. That's when he went back to Pakistan.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- So you think violence is the way to resolve things?- No, I didn't...
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- So you have a criminal record? - I don't have a criminal record.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Allah is watching. - I do have a criminal record.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20What were you in jail for specifically?
0:18:20 > 0:18:21He killed people.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I never...! I never killed...
0:18:23 > 0:18:25I don't know what he's talking about.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27He gave drugs to children.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Yeah, but he was 16. I was 16. We were all 16.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32We were all 16. It was for GCSEs.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Oh, so that's fine, then?
0:18:34 > 0:18:35I don't think it's all right.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Selling drugs, criminal record, punched his stepdad?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41You, Mobeen Dean, are scum of the bloody Earth.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43You, Mr Ahmed, you are the biggest arsehole.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I beg your pardon.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Nobody speaks to Mobeen like this except me.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Thanks, but I'd prefer if you didn't speak to me like that as well.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I've had enough of you two. Get out of my house now.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- Not until you apologise to him. - Are you mad? This is my house.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57I'm not apologising to anyone.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- Yes, you are. - What are you going to do about it?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- Yeah, walk away.- What?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Oi, oi, oi, oi.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- Apologise.- No. Get off!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34You are going to lick and clean yourself.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36No.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Khadijah, you got any more questions in that book of yours?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42How do you feel about having bigger breasts than your wife?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Oh, you got jokes, yeah?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47How do you feel about your dad being a brown version of Karl Pilkington?
0:19:50 > 0:19:54You know, maybe me and you at some Costa coffee shop somewhere else,
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- this might have been different.- No.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59- Say sorry to me.- Sorry.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Are you kidding me? I can't believe that.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11I know. She fully wanted to marry me next week, you know.
0:20:11 > 0:20:1211:30, she showed me her dress.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I was going to go to karaoke with Brother Ahmed.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17So, what did you say?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I said no. No.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Can I marry you, then? I want to go to karaoke.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24I mean, all things considered and that,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I was stressed out, but I think we're all right, innit?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29What you lot gossing about?
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Mobeen nearly got married.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- What?- What is wrong with you?
0:20:36 > 0:20:40No, look, listen. I didn't think I was doing a good enough job for you
0:20:40 > 0:20:42so I tried to get you a mum, but then I couldn't find you a mum.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45You don't need a mum, you've got a lovely brother.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49I don't need a mum, and who's going to want to marry you anyway?
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- You look like Shrek. - Cos he's green, innit?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56And cos he looks like Shrek.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- He does a little bit.- I don't know what you are laughing for.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01If he gets married, there'll be someone else on that sofa
0:21:01 > 0:21:03and this will be gone.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05It'll all be gone!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Good girl. In your faces.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09It'll all be gone if I get married - and I will get married.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Let go, baby girl. No, you can't come in today.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13We need to make sure he never, ever get married.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Don't mind me looking like Shrek. Looking like Shrek.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17You look like Shrek.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22# For once in my life I have someone who needs me
0:21:22 > 0:21:26# Someone I've needed so long
0:21:26 > 0:21:30# For once unafraid I can go where life leads me
0:21:30 > 0:21:34# Somehow I know I'll be strong
0:21:34 > 0:21:40# For once I can touch, what my heart used to dream of
0:21:40 > 0:21:43# Long before I knew... #