0:00:02 > 0:00:05# We spend all our time lying side by side
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# Going nowhere It's really something
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# Getting dizzy doing nothing
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# We spend all our time
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# Running from our lives Going nowhere
0:00:16 > 0:00:17# It's really something
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# Getting dizzy doing nothing
0:00:22 > 0:00:24# Getting dizzy doing nothing. #
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Sorry, Mum, I just thought Nemo would like a swim somewhere new.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Well, I'm not sure he wants to swim in the sewage pipe, Charlotte.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Come on Nemo, come on.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35SHE MAKES KISSING NOISES
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Oh, mind out.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Oh, wrestling a goldfish first thing in the morning...
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- Oh, dear!- Nemo's very ticklish.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- Gotcha!- Aren't you, Nemo?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Wow, Nemo, what an adventure you've been on!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Right, quick sticks or we'll be late.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Mum, if Jesus hadn't died, how old would he be now?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58I don't know. Right, coats on,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- grab your bags. - Because you can't add up?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04No! Oh, can you not eat your packed lunch before school, please?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- Poppy's getting a bosom bra. Can I have one?- No!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09You don't need a bosom bra, do you, Mummy?
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Thank you, Charlotte.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- Can Nemo come with us to Dad's tonight?- No!- Come on, Nemo.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15- Try and keep quiet.- Right, off we go.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19- POSTWOMAN: Morning, Mrs Jones. - Morning. Come on, chop-chop!
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- Right, off we go.- Look, Mum!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23It's a postcard from Alfie in China.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Now come on, let's all just get in.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Don't drag your bag, Charlotte!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Everybody in or we're just going to be late.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Is it today or tomorrow for Alfie in China?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Right, can everybody just stop talking and get in the car?
0:01:32 > 0:01:36It can't be tomorrow, because that hasn't happened yet.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Unless our brother's Doctor Who. Is he, Mum?
0:01:38 > 0:01:39- Mum?- What?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Can you help me with my maths homework?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Miss Collier says if I don't bring it today,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- she'll lose all my golden time. - Do it at your dad's.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Mum, I like the way how the light makes the fur above your lip glow.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Yes, thank you, Jess.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51But it's due in today!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- SPLASHING - Oh!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Mum, does Nemo have to wear a seatbelt?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Wait till I tell the class Mum had her hands down the toilet!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05'Charlotte and Jess have got their football match today, love.'
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I'll collect you at 4:30.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I should be revising for my waxing exam this evening, Jason.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13If you please, you will speak to Gemma
0:02:13 > 0:02:15and arrange for otherwise.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16She'll go potty!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18But it's important I learn to wax, Jason.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23English women are having a lot of mighty big hairs.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Gemma will understand my strong needs in that matter.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Sure I can't change your mind?
0:02:32 > 0:02:36It will take more than the wolf sex to change Inca's mind.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40EXFOLIATOR BUZZES
0:02:43 > 0:02:45BELL RINGS
0:02:45 > 0:02:46But, but, but!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Ugh, that's gross, Mum!
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- We're not six!- Oh, don't hug us, it's embarrassing!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55No, it isn't!
0:02:55 > 0:02:58See! There's nothing wrong with a hug.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Only poo-heads hug.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Oh, Jess, please don't say poo-heads.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Mrs Jones, can you not use the word "poo" on school property?
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Poo? No, hang on!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11No, I didn't say poo.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Morning, Gemma.- What?
0:03:14 > 0:03:15I see you just made it on time.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Caroline, hi. Yes, I expect you're wondering why I shouted poo.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- Not really.- No, it wasn't actually me who said it first.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24I was just, I was just repeating it so that it...
0:03:24 > 0:03:26no, she's gone. Right.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Erm, hug please.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Mum, stop being a geeky loser.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Oh!
0:03:31 > 0:03:32I'll pay you.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- BOTH: How much? - 50 pence?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Pound each or no hug.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39And we want half up front.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Oh! You two are so like your father.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50There we go. Ah, ah!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Hmm! Lovely day.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Did you just pay your daughters for a hug?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02No, don't be ridiculous.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Of course not. It's their lunch money.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05But they've got packed lunches.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Yes, they have, yes.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08They eat two lunches.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10They have some sort of
0:04:10 > 0:04:12fast metabolic rate issue.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15It's a twin thing that affects their...
0:04:15 > 0:04:17How can I help you, Tom?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Right, good. Straight to the point.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21I like that.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Gemma,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24would you like to go out with me
0:04:24 > 0:04:26for a drink slash meal thingy tonight?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Oh, sorry! I don't know why I did that.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Well, it was a nervous reaction to the drink slash meal thingy.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Oh, why am I still holding your lips?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Oh, no, I've been holding them for too long now.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39OK, um, I'm going to let them go
0:04:39 > 0:04:41and we're going to pretend this never happened
0:04:41 > 0:04:43and we're going to talk about the PTA.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47So...
0:04:47 > 0:04:52Look, I have talked to you about the PTA every day for a month now.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55What I've really wanted to do is ask you out.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Which I think you know.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59HE CHUCKLES
0:04:59 > 0:05:02So...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04call me, Mrs Jones.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08FRAN: Watch where you're putting that sword, Flynn!
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Fran.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Tom.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Oh, no! Is it Roman day?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- No.- Sorry, sorry.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Er, I thought I'd better explain.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I saw that happen on a TV show once,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20but it was on a naked thigh,
0:05:20 > 0:05:21so a little bit sexier.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:05:25 > 0:05:27The school DILF's phone number?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Tom!
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Gems! Result!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32He is super sexy.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36I mean, like a slightly porkier Antonio Banderas in Zorro.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37The Nigella wannabes
0:05:37 > 0:05:41are going to hate your guts if you date their Tom.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43You know, I could have been a Nigella.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Yeah, if you hadn't got drunk at sports day
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- and tried to seduce Mr Roberts. - SHE LAUGHS
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Interesting look with the wellie thingies.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54Yeah. Flynn buried all my shoes in the garden again.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- NIGELLAS:- Arrivederci Tom! Bye.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59You are going to go out with him, right?
0:05:59 > 0:06:00He's not my type.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03What, you mean he's not a self-centred philanderer
0:06:03 > 0:06:05with a very small... SHE GIGGLES
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Enjoying a deep throat chocolate moment, are we?
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Jason, blimey!
0:06:17 > 0:06:18You nearly gave me a heart attack!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20How many times, can you please knock?!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22The door was open! And my kids live here.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I should be able to come and go as I want.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Yeah, of course, you're right.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I guess I should have the keys to yours,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30so when the twins are with you, I can let myself in and out.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Inca will be happy with that.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Fine! I'll knock!
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Thing is, Gem-Gem, Inca's got a waxing exam tomorrow
0:06:39 > 0:06:42and she needs to meditate tonight. So...
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Oh, no, no, you don't!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45The girls are staying with you tonight.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50Please! Inca will just stealth wax me in my sleep again.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- Oh!- I'll still see the kids at the weekend.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Inca's doing Sunday lunch, Swedish style.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Yes, well, as delicious as
0:06:58 > 0:07:01dry Ryvita, pickled gherkins and cabbage sound,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04you'll see them tonight.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Why? What difference does it make?
0:07:06 > 0:07:11Because, Jason...I've got plans.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12To go out.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Singles night at the Legion, is it?
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Do you need a hand?
0:07:17 > 0:07:18No.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I've got a date.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21No, you haven't.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Yes, I have.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26What sort of lunatic writes his number on human skin?
0:07:26 > 0:07:27It's sexy.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30He would have done it on my naked thigh,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32but I was wearing trousers. It's Tom.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Tom Marshall. - The knob in the Range Rover?
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Yeah...no! Tom's not a knob!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41His wife left him for the Asda night supervisor.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42That qualifies him for knobdom.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Well, I left you for no-one, so what does that qualify you for?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Fine, I'll have the girls.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Don't wear those!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Unless he's a pervy knob in a Range Rover.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Bet you're glad I popped round now, aren't you?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Love to Inca!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Yeah.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Poo-head!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- RECORDING:- 'Hi, this is Tom and Poppy's phone.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29'You know how to do this.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- 'After the beep, leave a message.' - BEEP
0:08:31 > 0:08:33COUGHING
0:08:33 > 0:08:36'Oh, sorry. Advocaat went down the wrong way.'
0:08:36 > 0:08:40- COUGHS - I don't normally drink during the day, just a quick shot for courage.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Anyway, that's not important.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46'It's me, Gemma, Gemma Jones from the playground, you wrote on my arm?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48'But you know that. Anyway, er...'
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I will go out with you tonight, goodbye.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Yes. Yes! Yes!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55'Oh, what have I done?'
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Oh, actually the phone isn't... Oh.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Bye-bye, bye.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Hai!
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Fran, I'm not sure about this dress.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- Fran!- What? Sorry, I was just flirt-texting my dentist.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Look, this dress, it's confusing.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Rubbish. It's the perfect mix of educated sluttiness. Trust me.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I thought you were going to chicken out of this date with Tom.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23No. Jason drove me to it.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Hmm, he'd drive me to binge drinking and self-harming.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I look like Noddy.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I quite fancied Noddy when I was little.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32He had his own car.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34It might help if you took your clothes off.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- Oh, fine. - PHONE BEEPS
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Ooh, and I will need to bring you up to date
0:09:39 > 0:09:41on this century's sexual practices.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45What? I assumed sex had remained the same over the centuries.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Who was the last man you slept with?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Er, oh, er, was it, erm... Oh, er, no.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- Er...- It was Jason, wasn't it?
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Yeah.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Look, men over 40 need to see flesh to make the effort.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I mean, nowadays people don't even go on dates,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02they just hook-up for a quickie
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- between Attenborough's Blue Planet and Newsnight.- Really?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Yeah. I mean, Attenborough's shows are responsible for at least
0:10:07 > 0:10:11three of my best ever sexual encounters.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13You can learn a lot from the animal kingdom.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Oh! I'm going to cancel.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Tom's really nice.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19You deserve some fun, Gems. PHONE BEEPS
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Oh, Houdini would struggle with this!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Does "bosoms" have one or two Os?
0:10:26 > 0:10:31'The female must do everything she can if she is to attract her mate.'
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Yes.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Wow!
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Reminds me of you, mate.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41Alfie!
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Hey!
0:10:44 > 0:10:48You're not supposed to be back for another four months!
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Are you in trouble? Drugs? Have you been expelled from China?
0:10:50 > 0:10:54It's not school, you don't get chucked out of China for smoking behind the bins.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Oh, yeah, this is, this is Billy, I said he could stay for a few nights.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Hi. I think there's something on your...
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Oh! No! Oh...
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Billy saved my life in China.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Saved your life?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Yeah. I fell off the Great Wall, straight into his arms.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10It was quite romantic, really.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I thought you were supposed to be away
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- discovering yourself until Christmas?- Nah.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15I discovered myself in a week.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17It turns out I'm actually fairly shallow.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Man, those bears are really going for it.- Oh.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Is that...actually real?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Look, if it's a problem me staying...?
0:11:27 > 0:11:28No, no, no, mate, it's all right,
0:11:28 > 0:11:32- Mum's cool with this sort of stuff, aren't you, Mum?- It's fine. Yeah.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- Oh, it's lovely to have you home. - Oh, hello!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- Let's celebrate with a... Tom! - What's a Tom?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Oh, I've got a date with a Tom. No, no, wait, I'll cancel.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Don't do that cos we're going to go out.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48Right, I need a shower if I'm going to work my Alfie magic tonight.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50You make yourself at home, mate.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56You know, once they've mated, the male walks away
0:11:56 > 0:11:58and might never see the female again.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Met a few of those in my time.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03When I say a few, I mean...
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Yeah, anyway, so, I need to get ready.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Oh, there's squash in the fridge.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Brrr!
0:12:16 > 0:12:20The thing is, Jason, because I am so slim, I feel the cold much more.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26And besides, apart from my head, I am completely hairless,
0:12:26 > 0:12:27like an otter.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Oh, I should be revising for my waxing exam this evening, Jason.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I know, love.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36And to show my appreciation,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I will let you wax any body part you like when we get home.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Good teamwork, Poppy! That's the spirit.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Poppy is such an amazing little person, Tom.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- A real credit to your parenting skills.- Oh, thank you.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57No, thank you, for being such a positive male role model.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01That's the guy who's going out on a date with Gemma tonight.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- Which one? - The one who looks like a knob.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- He is a handsome knob.- No, he's not.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10He looks like he could really give the good sexual experiences.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Come on! That's my girl! Well done.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20My flesh and blood, from these loins!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Go Jess, yes!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- It was Charlotte who scored.- Huh?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Oh, yeah. Woo!
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Charlotte!
0:13:36 > 0:13:39# Somebody loves me... #
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Oh brilliant! Now I look like a scarecrow.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48# I wonder who it can be? #
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Oh great, now I look like Hitler!
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Hi. Hi.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I'm Gemma, I'm Gemma.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Hi, I'm Gemma and I've got a family of rats living in my hair.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- COMPUTER BEEPS - Oh, yes, get in!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I've just been sexy poked by that fit Thai bird I met in Bangkok.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- And you're OK with that? - Yeah, she was hot.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- Her name was Ken!- I don't care. I'm sexy poking her back
0:14:14 > 0:14:18and then we are going to go and get totally mullered. Bleurgh!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21It's just a date. Pull yourself together.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- How do I look?- You look...
0:14:28 > 0:14:29- Like the Fuhrer?- No.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- Think I should just cancel, get an early night?- No, you look nice.- Oh.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Kind of Cameron Diaz -
0:14:35 > 0:14:38in Charlie's Angels, not Shrek, obviously.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39You're just saying that
0:14:39 > 0:14:42so you can take advantage of my washing machine?
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Yeah, absolutely.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47You know I've got a weakness for a triple A plus graded 1400 spin
0:14:47 > 0:14:49washing machine with 12 wash programmes,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52a reduced creasing option and a 29 minute quick wash.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Wow! You really know your stuff.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Two summers working at Croydon's premier electrical store
0:14:56 > 0:14:59has its uses when it comes to impressing the ladies.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Bet it does!
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Oh, I feel like a teenager on a first ever date.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06That's a great feeling, isn't it?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08You know the bit just before your first kiss
0:15:08 > 0:15:10when you know it's going to happen but you don't know when
0:15:10 > 0:15:12and your heart's pounding...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- Oh, no!- What?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- I should have shaved both my legs. - You only shaved one leg?
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Well, you know, work deadline, trying on 14 dresses,
0:15:21 > 0:15:22prodigal son returning,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25sort of, took my mind off what I was meant to be doing.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Contraception.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30What?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34My hairy leg, I'll use it as a form of contraception,
0:15:34 > 0:15:36it'll...it'll put him off.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I think I'd find it kind of intriguing -
0:15:39 > 0:15:41the woman with the one hairy leg.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Alfie, my work's on there, be careful.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Chill, I know what I'm doing.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54- DOORBELL RINGS - Oh, no, I'm not... Oh, how do I look?
0:15:54 > 0:15:55You look great.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Hello, Tom.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Wow!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06You look super!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Oh, thanks.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13This is my son, Alfie, just back from travelling the world.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Alfie, this is Tom.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16All right, mate?
0:16:16 > 0:16:20He's your son? Wow! Big!
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I didn't realise you and Jason had been together so long.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25That Muppet isn't my dad.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Alfie!
0:16:27 > 0:16:31No, I had Alfie WAY before I met Jason.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I mean not WAY way, I'm not that old!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I mean, I'm oldish, obviously...
0:16:37 > 0:16:41but I was actually really young when I had Alfie.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Not young as in headline of the Daily Mail young, but... You know!
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Oh, did you, er, did you say something?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51No, no, you carry on, you're doing really great.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Gosh! Two man sons.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56No, no, no, this is Billy, Alfie's friend.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58He saved his life.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59- Oh.- Hey.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Yeah, it wasn't drugs related.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- I saved someone once.- Oh?- Yeah.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Well, when I say someone, it was more of a dog.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10It was an old lady's dog
0:17:10 > 0:17:13and she said it was more of a son to her than her own son.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Anyway, poor thing fell into the pond.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Got distressed, you know, little legs, paddling.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21I rolled up my trousers and went in.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Saved him.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Oh.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31EERIE WHINING
0:17:31 > 0:17:32What's that noise?
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Whales who are relaxing.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Ugh, what's this?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Tofu and bean sprouts.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Ugh, puke!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46No, not puke. Now, eat it up, girls.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Hmm, yummy.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Dad, I thought we were having burger and fries?
0:17:55 > 0:17:59I'm sorry, Jess, but I don't allow meats in this house.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02But we had burger and fries with Dad last time we were here.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- Excuse me?- When you were at your spray tan class.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Don't be daft, love, we don't do hamburgers, remember?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Or any form of corporate food.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Are you lying to Inca?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17No, I promise. They've got it wrong.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I would never allow a quarter pounder down my digestive tract.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I have decided which body part of yours I am going to wax.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Hmm, these are lovely.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Steady there, cowboy, they're strong.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43STRAW GARGLES
0:18:44 > 0:18:47SHE HICCUPS
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I needed that, it's been a long day.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54You look really stunning, Gemma.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Thank you.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I knew you could.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04I mean...you always look good.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Oh.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Always.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12You just look...more good now.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Oh, thanks.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19The thing is, you get too used to slobbing around in jogging bottoms.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Sometimes I forget I've got a waist.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I've seen you in those jogging bottoms at the school gates.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- Every morning, sporting that big old Marmite moustache. - HE LAUGHS
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Marmite moustache?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Well, it's either Marmite or chocolate spread.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- It's Marmite.- Ah, thought so.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45I like your teeth.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Aye-aye!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Ladies.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I'm Alfie. This is Billy.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58He's a bit like my Sherpa.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- We just got back from travelling the world.- Really?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Yes. Tell them, Billy.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Yeah. China, Borneo, Phuket.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Alfie was just telling me how he's a changed man since Thailand.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Sex change?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12You're funny, I like you.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16No, no, I mean, changed, as in my outlook's changed.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I'm kind of now looking for someone who's my intellectual equal, like...
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Paris Hilton.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- Someone I can share things with, like...- STDs.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Experiences, you know?
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Like a lady with intelligence, knowledge, you know, a big brain.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Which would obviously mean a big head.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Yes, yes, a big head, sure.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Are you saying my head's too big?
0:20:35 > 0:20:39What? Er, yes, no, sort of, you know, in a good way.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Like a Bratz doll.
0:20:40 > 0:20:45I mean, not plastic or, you know, just...
0:20:45 > 0:20:47What I'm trying to say is, Billy, what am I trying to say?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I think what you're trying to say is,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52can you buy these two ladies a drink in town for being a dick on the bus?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57# I'm sexy and I know it. #
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Khob khun ka.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08So, thong yib.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Pinched golden egg yolks for you.
0:21:13 > 0:21:18And sang kha ya fak thong, which is Thai custard with pumpkin for me.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Oh, yummy.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- Gemma, I...- What's wrong?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Not lusting after my pinched egg yolks, are you?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Am I being a bit over-the-top?
0:21:34 > 0:21:35What?
0:21:35 > 0:21:40It's just...I feel perhaps I've been trying too hard.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43You know, that I may have come across as a bit of a knob.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46No.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49It's just it took me so long to pluck up the courage to ask you out,
0:21:49 > 0:21:54and then you said yes, and now we're here, and I feel...
0:21:54 > 0:21:55I've had a lovely evening, Tom.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Yeah, it's really nice to feel like a grown-up again.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Oh.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00I'm glad I said yes.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11You really do have great teeth.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16So, you're mates with our Alfie?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Yeah. Four months of intercontinental mayhem,
0:22:19 > 0:22:23ending up with him being chased out of China by an old lady with a broom.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Yeah, sounds like Alfie. What had he done, broken her heart?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- She had three daughters.- Oh?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Three broken hearts and one broken broom.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34So you thought here would be a safer bet?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Well, that and we ran out of cash.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39What do you think?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Yeah, you're right, they do feel kind of natural.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- Yeah, I told you.- Good.- Yeah.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- Billy?- You'd better get your broom.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49They are fake!
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I can never find anything in this bag.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55It's like a bottomless pit.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Well, apart from half a doll and football cards,
0:22:59 > 0:23:03and...ah, socks, of course. Yes.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09So...
0:23:10 > 0:23:11So...
0:23:15 > 0:23:21Er...do you fancy another date sometime?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Erm, yeah, that would be really nice.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27- Oh, er...- Oh, I'm sorry.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- Sorry.- No, I...- No.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Rushing things.- No, no, no, no,
0:23:32 > 0:23:36you just caught me off guard but I'm, I'm on guard now.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38So...erm...
0:23:38 > 0:23:43you could...try again, maybe. If you wanted to.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- I can't feel my feet. - I know just what you mean.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58No, I mean I really can't feel my feet,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I think you're standing on them.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Oh, gosh, I am so sorry!
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Sorry.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Don't mind me, carry on. Hello, Tom.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Hi.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Where's Alfie?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Still sampling some of the local delights.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Right, well, I'll leave you to it.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Bye.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Oh, hold the door.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Thanks again, Tom, see you at school!
0:24:44 > 0:24:48- I'm really sorry for disturbing your...- Oh, no, it's fine.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Got to leave them wanting more.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- Do you mind if I make a coffee? - No, go ahead.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Oh, no. No, no, no, no!
0:25:06 > 0:25:07- Everything all right? - No, it won't turn on.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Oh, I knew I should have sent my work before I went out!
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- Let me look.- No, no, no! Do you know what you're doing?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- Yeah, trust me, I used to be a big nerd.- How big?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20NHS specs and acne big.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21OK, do it.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26- What's wrong with it?- Shh.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38There we go.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Oh, thank you!
0:25:42 > 0:25:47It was just unplugged, that's the first place us big nerds look.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49You'd be surprised how many...
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Gemma? Gemma!
0:25:54 > 0:25:55- Yeah?- Oh, Gemma.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59The girls have been throwing up all over the place.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Inca's got bean sprout puke in her hair extensions,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- she's in a terrible state. - Bean sprouts?
0:26:04 > 0:26:08She made us eat green stringy stuff, Mum.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Oh, no! Sorry, Billy.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14It's fine, it's fine.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Oh, this is disgusting.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- Oh, just get out!- It's not my fault!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20No, it never is!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Billy, you'd better get yourself cleaned up.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25There's fresh towels in the bathroom.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Who are you anyway?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Er, not now, Jason.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Got yourself a toy boy?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36What happened to the knob?
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Couldn't he rise to the occasion?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45All right, I'm leaving.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Goodnight, Mummy.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Got the sick off.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Good.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- Sorry about that.- No, I've just spent four months with your son,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02so I'm kinda used to it.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05DOOR OPENING
0:27:09 > 0:27:10What are you doing?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Shh, shh, I didn't want Alfie to see us together.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- Together in the hall?- What? Yes.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17You've got no top on.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- He might have got the wrong idea. - The wrong idea about what?
0:27:20 > 0:27:21About me having a shower?
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Yes.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27No. Well, I may have slightly over-reacted.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28To me having a shower?
0:27:28 > 0:27:31No, to Alfie seeing us together.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- He may have thought we were up to no good.- Why?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- Do you usually get up to no good with his friends?- No!
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- Absolutely not, never. How could you even insinuate...?- I didn't.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Shh.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43DOOR CLOSING
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- He's gone.- Well, phew(!)
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Because, God forbid, he could have caught us innocently chatting in the hall
0:27:49 > 0:27:53but us holed-up chest to chest in the bathroom, no problem there.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01- Good night, Mrs Jones.- Good night.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06- Good night.- Night.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Night.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Mind the bed bugs don't bite.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17"Mind the bed bugs don't bite?" Really?
0:28:21 > 0:28:25So...you snog a man you barely know on your doorstep
0:28:25 > 0:28:31and then you drag a half-naked young man into your bathroom.
0:28:31 > 0:28:32Well done Mrs Jones!
0:28:35 > 0:28:36Well done.
0:28:40 > 0:28:46# We spend all our time lying side by side
0:28:46 > 0:28:48# Going nowhere It's really something
0:28:48 > 0:28:51# Getting dizzy doing nothing
0:28:51 > 0:28:54# We spend all our time
0:28:54 > 0:28:57# Running for our lives Going nowhere
0:28:57 > 0:29:01# It's really something Getting dizzy doing nothing... #
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd