0:00:03 > 0:00:05# We spend all our time lying side by side
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Going nowhere
0:00:07 > 0:00:08# It's really something
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# Getting dizzy, doing nothing
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# We spend all our time
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# Running for our lives
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Going nowhere It's really something
0:00:18 > 0:00:22# Getting dizzy, doing nothing
0:00:22 > 0:00:24# Getting dizzy, doing nothing. #
0:00:26 > 0:00:29"So, erm, Billy..." Yeah, good, keep it casual.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32"Erm, I was wondering, could I, erm..." No, no, no.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33"Can I." Yes.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37"Erm, can I have a word about the incident in the bathroom last night?"
0:00:37 > 0:00:39No, no, not "incident".
0:00:39 > 0:00:42It's not a crime scene, erm, more of an awkward misunderstanding. Yes, good.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47"Which could have come across as a, erm, a thingy.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51"But it wasn't a thingy. But it could have looked like one.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53"Erm, but it wasn't. OK?"
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Oh! Oh, bloody blimey!
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Oh!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Oh my God! Sorry!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Oh! Oh no! Oh! Did you see anything?
0:01:09 > 0:01:10No!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- Sure?- Yes.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- Not that I'm Pamela Anderson. - I know!- What?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Sorry, I didn't mean because I'd seen your...
0:01:18 > 0:01:22What I'm meaning is, clothes do seem anatomically correct,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24you know, in proportion to your...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Thanks, I think. Right, I'm decent.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Oh, hair! It's nice.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Thank you.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Anyway, Billy, yes, erm, I'm glad you're back.
0:01:39 > 0:01:44Not for any weird reason or... Look, can I have a word about...?
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- It's fine, don't worry about it. - Well, you don't know what I was going to say yet.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50You were going to apologise for pushing me into the bathroom
0:01:50 > 0:01:55when I was half naked last night. Forget it. It's no big deal.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59I would say it happens all the time, but it doesn't.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Ah, you're back, mate. Just in time.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Right, Mum, me and Billy are going to the twins' parents' evening.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- We are?- There's going to be a lot of fit older women there,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13MILFs, my friend, and you know what they're gagging for, don't you?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17- All of this! - BURPS
0:02:17 > 0:02:21I'm sure an undisturbed night's sleep and full-time child-care would be preferable.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I bet I snog a MILF before you do.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26In fact, let's make it interesting.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30First person to snog a MILF wins, loser gets the drinks in.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Hang on, mate. Mum, did you make these cupcakes?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Yeah.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Right, well if you two are coming, then you'd better get a wiggle on.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Jason and Inca have got the girls and I'm meeting them there in half an hour.
0:02:43 > 0:02:49Prepare to be paying for the beers, my friend, because you're looking at an older woman's dream come true.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Well, it's true! Believe it. Women find me uncomfortably sexy.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- Yeah, I'm not sure that's a good thing.- Oh, it is, Mum. It is.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58You're going to have someone's eye out with those, mate.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I've got overly prominent nipples, as you well know.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I'm not ashamed!
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Talking to me?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11You talking to me?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Ain't nobody else here. Talking to me?
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Who are you talking to, Jason?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18No-one. Come on, love, we're going to be late.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Gemma's going to kill me if we don't get the girls there on time.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Wow!
0:03:28 > 0:03:33Erm, is that an appropriate look for a school function?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Jason, I will not restrict my natural Nordic style.
0:03:37 > 0:03:45Express it, not suppress it. You will want to be losing the dated blouson back-pleated leather bomber jacket.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46You are looking like Jeffrey Clarkson.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50There's nothing wrong with that. And it's JEREMY Clarkson.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53No, I love this jacket. I'm just trying to express my idea of...
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Enough, so I'm blocking my ears to you.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Charlotte! Yes, we go.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Your dad is going to birth mice if we're late.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Let the games begin, my friend.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15See you inside.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Can I assist you, fair maiden, with those?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Hmm, thank you. Yes, and you'll need to make four more trips to the car.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Oh God! Mine looks like road kill, doesn't it?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29No!
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Yeah.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Knew it.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33BELL RINGS
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Have you seen Flynn?
0:04:34 > 0:04:38He's run off in his Grim Reaper costume waving a pork chop around.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Ooh, hello!
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Hello.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Fran, Billy, Alfie's friend. Billy, Fran.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Nice to meet you. Haven't you got good eyes and a good face and...
0:04:48 > 0:04:50And thank you, Fran.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51And I'll take these in for you.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Hmm. Have you snogged him?
0:04:57 > 0:04:58What?!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00No, of course not!
0:05:00 > 0:05:01I mean, no.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03What would Alfie think?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- I'm sure he'd be pleased for his mum.- Really?
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Yeah, Tom's gorgeous.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Oh, Tom! Yes, no, Tom. Yes, good.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Oh my God, you did more than snog Tom, didn't you?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- You have the sex glow.- No, I don't.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- Well, either that, or you've got cystitis again.- Neither.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Oh, you've got that naughty twinkle in your eye.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- Oh, it's probably a stye. - Oh, please say you at least snogged Tom.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Oh, fine. He kissed me in the ear.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Interesting! Did he use his tongue?
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Oh, now that's the sort of guy who could blink and make you orga...
0:05:40 > 0:05:41- Excuse me.- ..Organism.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Your son Flynn has been observed drinking from a toilet bowl.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Well, did he flush first?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Erm, yeah.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Well, that's fine then.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52OK, OK, I'll go and get my son.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00It's meant to look like that.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05# My heart skips...
0:06:05 > 0:06:08# Skips...skips...a beat... #
0:06:08 > 0:06:12GIRLS SING ALONG: # Oh oh, oh oh! #
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Move it, you numpty!
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Close your ears, girls, your daddy is being head crazy again.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27Jason, a balanced diet rich in Omega 3 fish oil reduces stress and hostility.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Or are you wanting a heart explosion?
0:06:29 > 0:06:30I'm not eating fish juice.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33What are you thinking the virility tonic I'm making you drink is?
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Ugh.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39CAR HORN BEEPS
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Hiya.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Oh no, the Nigellas! That's the last thing I need.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- They look OK to me.- Oh, don't be fooled by their Yummy Mummy exterior.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53They're actually a bunch of judgemental cashmere pashmina-wearing monsters.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Oh.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58- They're going to love this. - Come on, I'll hold your hand.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I don't need you to hold my hand. I'm not a...
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- I didn't mean... - I thought you came here to pull MUFFS with Alfie?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I think you mean MILFS.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Hi, Gemma.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Oh.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Wowee! Interesting cake.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Thank you.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16No, it wasn't a compliment. It was an observation.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Hi, guys.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Hey!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Tom!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- I say, Billy, would you mind? - No, of course.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Thank you.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Bloody done it again, haven't I? I've overdone the cake thing.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39It's just that Poppy and I had such a fabulous week creating it, I...
0:07:39 > 0:07:41No, Tom, it's wonderful.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I wish I could cook like that, it's really fantastic,
0:07:44 > 0:07:45it's like a work of art. Not like mine.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Mine's more Damien Hirst, "Stuffed Bloated Cat Run Over By A Truck."
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Not "Woodland Wonderland Family Wedding Day."
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Is that the fire alarm?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59When I was reprimanding the class yesterday,
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Flynn put up his hand and asked if the reason
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I was in a bad mood was because I was due for my pyramid.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07He is very attuned.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09He wants me to call him "Butch".
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- Well, he must really like you. - I have no doubt of that, Mrs Taylor. - Miss.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Because he told me that when I die,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17he wants me to buried outside his bedroom window.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Oh no! Oh my God!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Oh wicked, my sisters are orange!
0:08:31 > 0:08:35What the...? I mean, how?!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Oh, you!
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Sorry we're late. I heard you were back.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Jason, can I have a small word?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- High fives. Down, boom! - Boom!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I'm not sure about your hair, girls.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49What the hell happened?
0:08:49 > 0:08:53We got held up. Some idiot driving like a girl's bra.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- No, what happened to Charlotte and Jess?- What do you mean?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58What do I mean? They're orange, Jason!
0:08:58 > 0:08:59In case you hadn't noticed.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03- Well, Inca did it.- They show it to us at the beauty academy,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- how to turn people sun-kissed. I'm using taupe.- Hmm, nice.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Sun-kissed? They look like over made-up Space Hoppers!
0:09:10 > 0:09:11They have a healthy look.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14And Gemma, the tanning lotion has anti-ageing properties.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Anti-ageing? They're ten!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Exactly. No need to thank me.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Look, Mum. I've got fake nails. See?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Oh, you both look good enough to eat!
0:09:26 > 0:09:27This is too much.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- Lying down.- Lying down.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Wow, that's impressive.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Yeah, my daughter made it.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36We papier-mache'd her cousin, Griffin Junior.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39We gave him a straw to breathe through, obviously.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Oh, obviously.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44So, I expect Gemma has been walking around on cloud nine since our date?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Ah...
0:09:46 > 0:09:48My feet have barely touched the ground.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52You know, underneath all the mess is a really super woman.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Real knee-buckler of a kiss.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Oh, right.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I know it's bad form for a chap to talk about such matters,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03but it gave me a slight pinching in the gut.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I'm feeling a bit punch-drunk and giddy about the whole thing.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08That's great, Tom.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Anyone special in your life?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- Oh, I...- Wise.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15You're young, don't tie yourself down, keep your options open.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Spray the fields, eh? Spray the fields.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I just don't think it's appropriate on ten-year-olds.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Gemma, I'm taking my duties as soon-to-be step-mother
0:10:30 > 0:10:31with the great seriousness.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I promise you I'm never going to again step on your foots.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37You're their mother and I'll just be a very, very, very, dear friend.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Thank you so much, Mrs Collier.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Oh, no, thank you. Ava May is a pure joy to teach.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Hello, Mr and Mrs Jones, do you want to come in?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Hello, I'm Inca Adolfson, soon to be Inca Adolfson-Jones.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Oh.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58(I can't help it.)
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I will be the step-mother and I'm Swedish.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Perhaps we should just focus on Charlotte and Jess?
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Ignore me, I'm just going to observe.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Right.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Well, er, both girls are doing really well academically,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- they're both bright.- Woo!
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Yes. Unfortunately, we have had some issues with Charlotte of late.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- I see.- She's become a bit boisterous in class.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38I mean, her work's not suffering at the moment,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41but she is disrupting the rest of the class.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- Class clown?- Well... - I was like that.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Had the class in stitches, even broke the teacher.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Right, well...- Is it jokes? Because I was like that.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- Jason!- What?
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- She dyed the school hamster pink. - Oh no.- Brilliant!
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Pranks! I was like that.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- I bet it brought the house down. - The children were very upset.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- Of course they were. We'll talk to her.- She's OK.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05A few jolly japes never held me back.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I run a successful sandwich delivery company.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I have a fleet of VW transporter vans.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I'm not sure one van could be classed as a "fleet".
0:12:11 > 0:12:14OK, I'm bored.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18So...
0:12:20 > 0:12:23do you think there could be a reason behind Charlottes' behaviour?
0:12:23 > 0:12:24- No.- Yes.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27BELL RINGS Please, can I have some cake?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- You're not having any. - Please.- We won't stop hitting you.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Right, show me the money.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Mate. Come on, let's get out of here.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Oh, mate, you're not getting any action, are you giving up?
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Losers get the beers in.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- No, I don't even remember agreeing to...- Ssh.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44My MILF's back. Right, I'm going in
0:12:44 > 0:12:49and I'm taking no prisoners. Love gun...loaded.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Brilliant(!)
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Where's Alfie going?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54To be humiliated.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I like your wares.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I don't get to eat home cooked food much.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05I travel a lot, business mainly, you know,
0:13:05 > 0:13:09high-ish finance, stocks, bullion, that sort of thing.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- Really?- Yes.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- Is this your cake? - Yes.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Mmm...
0:13:20 > 0:13:22It tastes sensual.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25You do realise you're going to have to pay for that,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27now that it's been soiled?
0:13:27 > 0:13:28How much is it?
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- £20.- £20 for that?!- Yes.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- Have you got change for a fifty? - Yes.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Actually, I don't have a fifty, I've only got a fiver.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42I need to get some money from my mum. Mum!
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Ha! This is having big kidney.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54A volcano is a land form, usually a mountain,
0:13:54 > 0:13:58where liquid rocks erupt from the surface of the planet.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Yes, I'm a man, I know what a volcano is.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Did you know
0:14:03 > 0:14:06that the name volcano has its origin from the name Vulcan,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09the god of fire in Roman mythology?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Yes.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I run a successful sandwich business.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16"The Running Bun."
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Oh, I should've brought my beauty business cards, Jason.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23There is a lot of facial hair in this place,
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- and I don't talking about the men. - You're not even qualified yet.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Do not try to make me tiny, Jason.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I come here today just for you to practice as future stepmother.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35The Running Bun.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I don't think that's a very good name for a sandwich company.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39And your volcano's rubbish.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Can I have a word, Jason?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47We need to talk about what happened. You'll have to say something.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Fine, I'll talk to Charlotte about the hamster.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53No, I'm not talking about Charlotte. I'm talking about...
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Jason, she dyed our kids orange,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59she came to the parents' evening. It's got to stop.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Fine, I'll try and have a word.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06- Jason, I need your purse. - Wallet!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Gemma was Jason's first wife and I will be the second.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Oh right, congratulations.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- Oh no, we're not engaged. - Yet.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18So, er, fancy winning some fabulous homemade cakes?
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Gemma's is a treat.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- HE LAUGHS - Gemma's is a treat!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- Yes, thank you, Jason. - What?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I wish I'd known, I could have baked my spettekaka. It's a...
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Oh, sweet dry hollow cake shaped like a cylinder,
0:15:31 > 0:15:33made only in the southern regions of Sweden.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Oh my, you have visited my Sweden?
0:15:35 > 0:15:40Ja, jag har. Ja jag boode dr fr tv ren.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42You speak Swedish?
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Well, pigeon Swedish really. I get mixed up with the tenses.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Den hr er s spnnande, jag missa min hem s mycket.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Oh verkligen utom sknheten av Uxbridge.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54SHE LAUGHS
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Um...
0:16:07 > 0:16:10I'm going to go and look for the girls.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Jason, Tom has great Swedish humour.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Doesn't say a lot for Tom then, does it?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19You want I should kill myself, Jason?
0:16:19 > 0:16:24You want I should eat carbohydrates? I have family history of suicide.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Right. So, how many tickets? One strip?
0:16:29 > 0:16:34The whole book. I've got a fleet of sandwich vans.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Inca says I need to look out for excessive body hair.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41She says no one wants to kiss a girl who looks like a moose.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43She's got a point.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I would like to kiss a moose.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48That's because you look like a moose.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53SHE MAKES KARATE NOISES
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Can you wait here while I get her, right?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05SHE WEEPS QUIETLY
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Jess?
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Are you in here?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18No.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Well, that's a shame, I kind of wanted to talk to her.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Well, she's not in here.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27The thing is, she's meant to be doing her show in a minute.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30She's not going to, cos she'd be pants.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Really, pants? That's quite harsh. Why would she be pants?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Because someone told her she'd be pants.
0:17:37 > 0:17:43Well, if I was Jess, I'd want to show that "someone" I WASN'T pants.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53She said I look like a moose.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Well, you don't. You...
0:17:56 > 0:17:59You look a princess
0:17:59 > 0:18:02and every night, little fairies dance on her face.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- No they don't, silly.- See?
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Little fairy footprints that they've left behind.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11And they wouldn't dance on a moose's face, would they?
0:18:11 > 0:18:12SHE LAUGHS
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Do you really think I can make Poppy look pants?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Just by showing up,
0:18:18 > 0:18:20you're going to make her look like a huge pair
0:18:20 > 0:18:22of your dad's baggiest, oldest Y-fronts.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Yuck!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28You're a silly billy, Billy.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34You do know this is a girls' toilet, don't you?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37(Boys wee standing up.)
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Wow.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I know.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48If I wasn't hiding one affair,
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I'd hunt that man down and smother him in Tiramisu.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54All right, keep your knickers on.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57They're not his type.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Go on, give us a little waddle.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06THEY LAUGH
0:19:06 > 0:19:07You're ready.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Inca's going to practice her beauty techniques on me.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Hmm, Jason is not happy to be being my experiment.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Too right, she painted my toenails in my sleep.- I'm happy to do it.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Cheers, mate.- Thanks, Alfred.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- My next session are the deep tissue full body massage.- Oh, top!
0:19:21 > 0:19:24No, wait, hang on, no, no, I'll be your experiment for that.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28No, Jason, my oiled fingers get stuck in your man-fuzz.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I love a massage. Just oil me up and...
0:19:30 > 0:19:32No, do me. You can wax me first.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- Really?- Hmm.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36That is true love.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42Jason, you are being jealous. That is so sweet.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46I have no interest in his young, taught, smooth skin.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- Just your fuzzy, piggy belly. - Oh! Ha, yes.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55When we're gone back home, I heat up the wax.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00BACKGROUND PIANO MUSIC
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- Hi.- Oh, hello.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Yes... Is that dog carrying a head in its mouth?
0:20:15 > 0:20:16It's Flynn's.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Oh, and that explains it?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Yes, for about six weeks, he thought he was a dog.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Fran spent a fortune on squeaky bones.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Thank you.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28For what?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I heard you talking to Jess.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- She's not as tough as Charlotte. - Yeah, she's sweet.- Yeah.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I worry about them.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Most of the time, I feel like I'm always one step behind them,
0:20:39 > 0:20:40trying to catch up with them.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42And then one day I know I'm going to turn round
0:20:42 > 0:20:44and they're going to be big grown-up women.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Look at Alfie, he's a big grown-up...- Woman.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Thanks for...
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Looks like you won the bet.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I didn't kiss you to win a bet.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Argh!!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26STOP KISSING MY MUM!!!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- Alfie!- Argh!
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Alfie!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Yes, we're so proud of Ava May's platinum award.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38(I've just got to...)
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Yes, thank you so much.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Hi, it's me. Mr Jones.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I remember.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48About the hamster, you can tell me now we're alone.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49You laughed, right?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I didn't.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54But I bet when you told them in the staff room, they all laughed.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55They didn't.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59If I asked you off school premises, you'd say it was funny.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00I wouldn't.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Would.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08No running!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11You boy! No running in the corridors.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Alfie, stop!
0:22:13 > 0:22:17- I just want to explain, it's not what it looks like!- Really?
0:22:17 > 0:22:21It looked like you were snogging the face off my mum to win a bet!
0:22:21 > 0:22:22No...
0:22:24 > 0:22:27When I said we were going to try and pull MILF,
0:22:27 > 0:22:31I wasn't talking about my mum! She's not even fit!
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Alfie, stop being an idiot. Can we just talk about it?
0:22:35 > 0:22:36You, come here.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Stop it!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Isn't that what you should've said to him?!
0:22:41 > 0:22:46I was just saying thank you to him for, for... It was a mistake!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- Yeah, too right. - Alfie, calm down.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50HE SCREAMS
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Aargh!
0:22:57 > 0:22:58I'm sorry.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Aaaaaargh!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Yes, they have been rehearsing terribly hard.
0:23:05 > 0:23:10Settle down, settle down. Welcome, welcome, one and all...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12(Mummy. Mummy.)
0:23:12 > 0:23:16..to this Year 5's performance of Penguin Party.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20It's Billy.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Sorry.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Sorry. Welcome. Welcome. You haven't missed anything.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- There's a seat somewhere for you... - There's one over here.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35So, as you can imagine, the children have put in a lot of time
0:23:35 > 0:23:38and effort into devising the show.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47There's a seat at the back, young man, just on the...
0:23:47 > 0:23:51- There's a notice...- Perhaps there's some problem in the corridor?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Where was I? Er, yes, the penguin costumes
0:23:54 > 0:23:57are an absolute credit to Mrs Collier...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Fight me like a man, you girl!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01What's going on? Have you smuggled booze in?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- APPLAUSE - Mrs Collier...
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Stop acting like a baby, it's just a misunderstanding.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07..hiding somewhere...
0:24:07 > 0:24:14I do not know what this is about, but would you both just calm down.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Sssh!- Ssh yourself!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- TEACHER:- ..and this is following on from project work and...
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Hello, everyone. Hi.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22If that is everybody?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- Gemma.- Is that everybody?- Gemma.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Er sorry, I'll just um, I'll just take a seat.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29That's the whole family.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- TEACHER:- Following on from the project work...
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Stop it! Stop it.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Ssh. I'm trying to record it and you're ruining the audio!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39You ssh, this is real life going on here, lady!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Ava May has been practising for weeks for this
0:24:42 > 0:24:43and we've spent hours on her costume.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Oh, get over yourself. She's dressed as a fat penguin,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- she'll THANK me for ruining the video.- Alfie!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51APPLAUSE Psst!
0:24:51 > 0:24:52APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Can somebody help me?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- Oh, yes.- Ow!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Can I just say, he's not biologically my son.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Ladies and gentlemen, Year 5 Penguin Party.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03APPLAUSE
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- If you ruin Ava May's big moment... - Do you want to take this outside?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Oooow!
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Alfie, if you fight the hold, the arm will break.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Hello, Lucy.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- Now breathe. - HE GASPS
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Now, what was all this about, eh?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24'She's always happy, even though it's cold where she lives.'
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Nothing.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- Alfie!- 'Hello, Lucy.' - I'd better go after him.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31'Come on, let's go to school.'
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Oh, what's wrong? You're usually so happy.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36You know I've got you on tape, threatening me.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Well, you'd better turn around, unless you want the follow through on there too.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41'This hole covers almost the whole continent...'
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Just so you know, none of this is putting me off.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I definitely want a second date.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50APPLAUSE
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- Sorry, sorry, do you mind? - Sit down!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Thank you. Sorry, so sorry. Brilliant, thank you.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Mate, I'm sorry. It just happened, it wasn't your mother's fault.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- How would you like it if I kissed your mum?- That would be weird.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Yes, weird.- But she's 64 with a grey perm.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11She had me late in life.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- I was a gift from God. - What, like Jesus?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I should just find somewhere else to crash, man.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Look, right, what you did was gross, mate.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21That's a line you don't cross.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24But you know, we've all done something disgusting to win a bet.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27I once kissed the lips of a frog to get a free pint.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Right, in we go.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- GIRLS:- Hey!- Hey!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Hi, hi.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34What are you doing?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- Alfie, did you see us?- Yeah.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Poppy fell over and couldn't get up again.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41You were the best seals I've ever seen.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- BOTH:- But we were penguins. - Mmmm...
0:26:43 > 0:26:44THEY LAUGH
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Go on.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48You OK, Alfie?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Yeah, it's OK. It's all sorted, Mum.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I realise it could have been anyone.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56He wanted to win a bet, it's not like he fancied you. Right, mate?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Right.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Alfie, can you tell us a story?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Yeah, one of your made-up ones.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Keep it clean, Alfie.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10It can never happen again. I should never have let you.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- I wanted to.- Stop. - OK. Whatever you want.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Yes, well, it is what I want.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16There's Alfie and there's the girls and you're...
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Right, I get it.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20It's got to be over before it begins, OK?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- OK.- OK.- OK.- Right.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Excellent. Right.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Just stop it with your eyes and your lips and your...
0:27:28 > 0:27:30I wasn't doing anything.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Right, good, good, good, excellent. Yes.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33I mean, we shall speak of it no more.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I'm going to go upstairs to read, or sew.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Right. I never had you down as a sewer.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Well, I'm old. It's what we do, sew.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45# I'll play the part again...
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# One more time... #
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Stop kissing him. What's wrong with you?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58I mean, so what if he's young and attractive,
0:27:58 > 0:27:59with a voice I could eat?
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Oh... Stop it!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Tom, Tom, think of Tom.
0:28:07 > 0:28:12I said stop it, you...scarlet woman, you.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21# One more time...
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# I will. #
0:28:29 > 0:28:34# We spend all our time Lying side-by-side
0:28:34 > 0:28:35# Going nowhere
0:28:35 > 0:28:39# It's really something Getting dizzy doing nothing
0:28:39 > 0:28:45# We spend all our time Running for our lives
0:28:45 > 0:28:46# Going nowhere
0:28:46 > 0:28:50# It's really something Getting dizzy doing nothing
0:28:50 > 0:28:53# Getting dizzy doing nothing. #
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd