0:00:02 > 0:00:04# We spend all our time lying side by side
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Going nowhere It's really something
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Getting busy, doing nothing
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# We spend all our time
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Running for our lives
0:00:15 > 0:00:19# Going nowhere It's really something
0:00:19 > 0:00:21# Getting busy, doing nothing
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# Getting busy, doing nothing. #
0:00:25 > 0:00:28MUSIC: "Black And Yellow" by Wiz Khalifa
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Fran, I feel like a blind mole.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Is this even a clothes shop?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37I'm telling you, this place will have something.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Hey.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40# You know what it is... #
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Oh, hey.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43So, do you need any help?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Oh, right, sorry, I didn't realise you worked here.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I thought you were just being friendly.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I wasn't.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54OK, um, yes, I'm looking for something for my son.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- It's his birthday. - What's his style?
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Oh, style, yes, good. Well, it's...it's sort of...
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- Scruffy.- Scruffy chic?
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Hmm, just scruffy.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06- Palette? - He means colour.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Oh, um...blue?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12# Hit the pedal once, make the floor shake
0:01:12 > 0:01:14# Way inside
0:01:14 > 0:01:15# My engine roaring... #
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Wow! It's a giant Babygro.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- It's a onesie. - Oh, right, yeah.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I-I was looking for more going-out clothes really.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23This is.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26What, grown men wear that out and people don't laugh at them?
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Oh-oh, right.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Yes, no, I see, I see that you really have to see it on to-to really...
0:01:34 > 0:01:38- Appreciate it.- Yes, yes. I-I think I'll just go for this.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- You know, play it safe. - That's £120.- What?!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- Paying for the name. - Got one with a cheaper name?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- No.- OK.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Um, well maybe I'll just go for...
0:01:48 > 0:01:49something smaller, you know,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51like pants.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54# Black and yellow, black and yellow
0:01:54 > 0:01:56# I put it down from the whip to my diamonds, I'm in
0:01:56 > 0:01:59# Black and yellow, black and yellow
0:01:59 > 0:02:02# Got a call from my jeweller, this just in... #
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- That's £35. - For pants?!
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- You're paying for... - For the name, yes, I know.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Right, well, I'll...
0:02:10 > 0:02:11I'll get some of those, please.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13# I'm rocking yellow diamonds
0:02:13 > 0:02:17# So many rocks up in my watch I can't tell what the time is... #
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I'm old - I'm officially very, very old.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23MUNCHING
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- DOOR OPENS - If the ladies want to snog me because it's my birthday,
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I'm not going to stand in their way.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- It's a health and safety issue. - How? They started it.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Fine, but if one of them gets a cold sore, then they'll sue you.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40No, they'll sue you, you're the manager.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47- Excuse me, what are you doing? - I thought we'd tell the twins about my engagement to Inca.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50They're at Chloe Bryant's having a flower power sleepover.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Her dad's making dreamcatchers with them.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Jesus! Are there any real men left?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Come here, birthday boy.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58GEMMA GIGGLES
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Oh. Ooh, ow!
0:03:00 > 0:03:03It seems only yesterday you were a little chunky-legged toddler
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- learning how to walk and talk. - Yes, some would say still learning.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Right, just enough time for a quick shower.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Er, hang on, what are you doing?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Inca spends hours in the bathroom, you spend what,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15five minutes putting a bit of slap on.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- It's easier to have a shower here. - I don't think so.- Oh, come on.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I'll give you a lift to Alfie's party in the van.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23As appealing as rolling around in left-over sandwiches sounds,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- I'll pass.- We're catching a ride from Tom.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Tom? Tom?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Why is he giving you a lift?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Because I invited him to my party. - WHY?
0:03:33 > 0:03:34He's Mum's boyfriend.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Well, yes, although I don't know if I'd go that far - more "friend".
0:03:38 > 0:03:40With benefits.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41No.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- Anyway, what's it to you who Alfie invites to his party?- Yeah.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47And come to think of it, I don't remember inviting you.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Don't need an invite, do I? I'm family.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53GEMMA GASPS
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Ah! Mmm.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Oh, come on, Inca's bought a new catsuit!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03TOILET FLUSHES
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- Oh.- Oh.- Evening.- Sorry, were you waiting?- Not for long.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Here, that's what happens when you share a house,
0:04:09 > 0:04:10you queue for the loo.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- Do you work out? - Oh, not really.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Oh. When you get to my age, you have to fight the forces of evil.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Yeah, well. Bathroom's all yours. Sorry.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Oh, absolutely don't be.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- No, I've had the new John le Carre novel to keep me busy.- Right.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- So, two guys getting ready to paint the town red, eh?- Yeah.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Well, not so much red in my case, more of a burnished orange.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33I'd better get moving,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36because I told my boss I'd help her set up for tonight.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- So I'm just...- Oh, yes. I'm glad you got the night off.- Yeah.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41You know, because a chap should be allowed to let his hair
0:04:41 > 0:04:43fall to his shoulders once in a while, you know,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- perhaps do a bit of romancing. - Perhaps.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Oh, have you got your key?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50- In case we get separated. - Yeah.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Because I might stay for a coffee with Gemma...
0:04:57 > 0:04:58..post party.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Oh! How is Gemma?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Oh, she's good, yes.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06She seems a little less muddled and cluttered and bedraggled.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- Yeah, I like that about her. - Hmm.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Does Alfie know you're in his clothes?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14He won't mind.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- It's a bit tight, isn't it? - Fine till I get home.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20It's not leaving much to the imagination.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Is there any more cake?
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- Won't Inca be wondering where you are?- Mmm.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Inca will be at the exfoliating stage
0:05:27 > 0:05:28of her pre-party beauty regime.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32She says if I see the flakes of her skin,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35it'll take away the mystique of our relationship.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Oh, can you see, you've missed a bit, there?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Oh, just shift over, because I can't take any more.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I'm not sure Tom's your type.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Oh, really? What is my type?
0:05:50 > 0:05:55Probably someone less knobish and a bit more like me.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Uh!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Oi!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Gemma, if you ever marry again,
0:06:02 > 0:06:03promise the girls won't call him Dad?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Don't worry, they'll only ever call one dad Dad.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09And you're fine with them calling two women Mum, right?
0:06:11 > 0:06:12- Suits you.- Hmm.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Check out my bootilicious fine ass!
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Right, which one says "Pull me, baby"?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- That one. - Right, this one it is, then.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Ugh!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Are you wearing pants under that? Otherwise I'll have to burn that trackie!
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Ow!
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- Good evening, Billy, you look handsome.- Oh, thanks.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40But not as handsome as Daddy, of course.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Have you got a girlfriend?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44No, not right now.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Maybe, in 20 years' time, I'll meet the perfect lady.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51She'd be a fool to turn you down.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Absolutely, Poppy, those lilting Irish tones are mesmerising.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56The other chaps don't stand a chance.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Daddy, please can you pack me some healthy snacks?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Mixed nuts, seeds and dried apricots should do it.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Already sorted, my love.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Ho-ho, look at you, eh?
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Standing there...
0:07:08 > 0:07:12So majestic, so, er...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Daddy, what do tears do?
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Yeah, they increase the heart rate, sweating
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- and give us those puffy froggy eyes. - Yes, so deep breath.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Right, I'm ready to go and stay at Mummy and Imran's for the weekend.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Have a good time at the party, you two.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32But NO kissing, it spreads disease.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41She is my rock.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Oh, well...
0:07:45 > 0:07:47better go and drop off my little young lady
0:07:47 > 0:07:49and pick up my little old lady.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- See you at the party. - See ya.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57MUSIC: "Little Old Lady" by Hoagy Carmichael
0:07:57 > 0:07:59# Little old lady... #
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Oh, oh, no. Oh, too much eyes.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05"Hi, I'm Alfie's mum and I'm an old geisha."
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Oh, no.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07ALFIE GROANS
0:08:08 > 0:08:10HE SNIFFS
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- How come your sheets smell nice? - Because I wash them.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Are you sure you want me to come tonight?- Yeah, of course.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- I'm worried I look like Boy George. - Who?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Oh, Alfie!
0:08:19 > 0:08:22OK, fine, you look like my mum with bits of make-up on.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- But is it too much make-up? - I don't know.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Well, do I look like I'm trying to look too young?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Relax, you look old.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29DOORBELL RINGS
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I'll get it.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- POSH VOICE:- I expect that's Johnny English here to collect us.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Deep breath, you can do this.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41You...
0:08:42 > 0:08:44..ravishing mystical gypsy, you.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Oh, who are you kidding?
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Now, prong three of our marriage preparations
0:08:51 > 0:08:53will be the nuptial evening.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Oh, I think I know what I'm doing in that department.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57You still have some way to go.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00But I'm talking about the wedding day entertainment.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Band, disco, karaoke? John the Fish is a great wedding DJ.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Yeh-son, I'm not asking, I'm telling.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10My brother and fathers will begin by playing the Swedish folk song
0:09:10 > 0:09:13"Trettondagsmarchen" and I will accompany them on my hurdy gurdy.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17And then we will make modern and have our first dance.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Dancing's not really my bag.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22And that is why I booked eight weeks of dance classes.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I'm just better static.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27You will dance rumba with me.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28You will be my prop.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Oh, hang on, I'm in a crucial stage, pre-buff.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I too am at a crucial stage, Yeh-son.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37The Rumba is slow...and sensuous.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40The woman first flirts...
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- and then rejects the partner. - Oh!- Grrr!
0:09:44 > 0:09:50My rhythmic body action and angry sexuality will spotlight our love.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52You are very luck-filled man.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I'll be dead within a year.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05You look like a young Jane Seymour tonight, Gemma.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- Oh, thanks. - This car is sweet!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Thanks. I'm sorry I haven't pre-warmed the seat for you,
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- I wasn't sure you were coming with us.- Do these TVs work?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Are you OK?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Er, yes, I'm sorry, just getting a bit hot from the seat warmer.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Oh, so sorry, too high?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Are you looking forward to tonight? - Oh, yeah, should be top.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Got Billy as my wing man, so I expect we'll be pulling big time.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Mmm-hmm, Billy's like catnip to the ladies - Poppy's definitely smitten.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I suspect she's not the only one, wouldn't you say, Gemma?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Me? Smitten?
0:10:37 > 0:10:38No, I mean I'm not...
0:10:38 > 0:10:43Oh, but you don't mean me per se, you mean women in general find Billy...
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Well, yes, I mean, no, er, I mean... - Hot flush, Mum?
0:10:46 > 0:10:47No, no.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51- I think you turned the seat heater up instead of down.- Oh, sorry.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56CLASSICAL MUSIC
0:11:00 > 0:11:02DANCE MUSIC
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Mate.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- Hmmm.- You're not going to believe it, The Tooth is in the building.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- The Tooth? - Tim The Tooth, old school mate.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15He's brought his sister and her friend, guess what?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18They're models and I'm not talking Page 3, I'm talking about real,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20with you know, like long spaghetti legs and swooshy hair.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23The Russell Brand look doesn't really do it for me.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Come on, mate, you and me - models.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Don't you think they're a little bit out of our league?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Well, for you, maybe, but tonight, my friend,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I've got the birthday pulling magic.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Oh, hi.- Hello.- How are you?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Yes, good, thank you. How are you?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- Yeah, good. - Yeah and I'm good, too.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43I'm trying to persuade Billy to join me in my quest to snog a model, so...
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Oh, right.- Yeah, but like I say, I'm not really that into it.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Why not?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Well, I just thought...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- I think you should go for it. - See.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Really?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Yes. I mean, you're young, single. - Almost attractive.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58With nothing to stop you or hold you back.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Why wouldn't you?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Oh, Alfie...
0:12:03 > 0:12:06I got you a, er, birthday blob.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Nice one, mate.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Hmm, Mum, you remember Tooth, don't you?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Of course, who could forget Timothy. - All right, Mrs Jones?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15This is my sister, Amy.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Hello.- Hi.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- And this is Lisa.- Hello.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Oh! Oh, oh, no.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- Oh, sorry, totally my fault. - Yeah, I know.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28You OK?
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Yes.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Yes, yes, I'm fine.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- LISA:- What about me? I just lost my drink.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Right, I'll get you another one. Come on.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Oh, God, does it look terrible?
0:12:44 > 0:12:45- AMY:- Yes.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49I think the stain really brings out the colour of your eyes.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- Hi.- Oh!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54I'm Amy.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Tooth's sister.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Not his girlfriend, in case you were wondering.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Oh, well, thanks for the background information.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- I like to be up front. - So I see.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10I used to really fancy you when I was about 12, Mrs Jones.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- Oh.- I had the tooth removed.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Oh, yes, Timothy, I can see that, well done.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- I'm not sure it's school policy to be enforcing...- Laugh.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- I'm sorry?- Laugh like I've said something really funny.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27But you haven't. Oh, have you?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Now.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35I'm trying to get the big bouncer's attention.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- Yes, he is a big chap, isn't he? - Mmm.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42He is Tom, he is. Oh, laugh again now.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Oh, OK, thanks, that should do it.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48You can go now.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I mean, I don't want him thinking I'm taken.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Just one more laugh before you go.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Oh, yeah, thanks for the offer,
0:13:58 > 0:13:59but I'm after something bigger.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05The wedding is going to be the most important day of my life,
0:14:05 > 0:14:10so I, Inca, would like to ask you, Alfred, to be a part of it.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Hmm? Right.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- You're my stepson.- Not really.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15You are funny little boy.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- How about you be the usher? - Um, I...
0:14:17 > 0:14:20You will be doing it with my three brothers, who are all 6'4",
0:14:20 > 0:14:22so they might be making you look like a tiny elf.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Where's Tom?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34It seems Tom is smash hit with young women.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I expect they feel sorry for the old codger.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37He's younger than you.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Yem-ma, you look like you've been stabbed in the heart.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Oh, yes, I had a little run-in with a large glass of red wine.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Missed your mouth again?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46We go to the lavatory like English women do.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47We go together.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51He is totally fit.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Billy? Yeah, you should SO go there.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57I am SO going to go there and he is SO not going to know what's hit him.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00You SO can't not.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02You should SO go there.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10WHINY VOICE: "I'm so going to go there."
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- Well, I've so been there. - Is that you there, Yem-ma?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Oh, um, yes.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18I just wanted to say
0:15:18 > 0:15:22that obviously Yeh-son and I want you at our wedding.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25I know it sounds a bit odd-bod for an ex-woman to be there,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28but I just really want girls as bridesmaids,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31and if you hold on to Tom, then he will look great in the photos.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Oh, right, thanks.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I'm sure the girls will love it.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Yeh-son is being in charge of the wedding
0:15:38 > 0:15:40and he is being plenty secretive.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44He says that it might take some of the time,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46as everything is looking to be booked.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Oh, this will be the best wedding ever.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I'm sorry if the whole Jason and I not being divorced yet
0:15:52 > 0:15:54is holding you up.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I'm sure we can sort it pretty easily.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59DOOR OPENS
0:15:59 > 0:16:01You are not going to pigging believe it!
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- What's wrong with her? - What's up?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07There's a cat out there wearing the exact same dress as me.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I have told her to go home and change, for her own good.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11She doesn't stand a chance with me around.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16That's interesting.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18You ready, Inca?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I will be with you shortly, please to proceed without me.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41INCA SCREAMS
0:16:41 > 0:16:43MUSIC PLAYS IN BAR
0:16:45 > 0:16:47NEW SONG STARTS
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Tune!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I remember the first dance at my wedding.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Viennese Waltz.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- Selina was a vision in Navajo white. - Sounds wonderful.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I thought it would last forever.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Some marriages last forever. Even when they're over.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21OTHER DANCERS CHEER
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Gemma, would you like to dance?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Oh, no, no, no, I don't think so.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- No, I'm a terrible dancer. - She's like a buffalo in heels!
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Ow!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36You don't stand a chance, oh, strong one.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Yo.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Do you do bodyguard work?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Only I've got a body that might need guarding.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Steely stare, I like that.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Got any ideas where a woman my age might go on to after this place?
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Home.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Yours or mine?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- Oh, hi.- Hi.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16So, how's it going, living with Tom?
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Yeah, good, yeah. How's it going, going out with Tom?
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Good.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27So you won't be wanting to bury his kiss
0:18:27 > 0:18:29under a conservatory, like you did with ours?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I'm not a serial killer...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34kisser.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Amy seems nice.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Right, yeah - nice.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49You need someone young and free,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51with a face that doesn't need ironing in the morning.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- Do I?- Yes.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57And I need someone whose best friend isn't my son.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Do you?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Yes.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Well, it looks like you've got it all figured out then,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09you and Tom, and Amy and me.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Hmm, yes.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18So you'll be fine with me walking Amy home tonight?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Maybe lingering on the doorstep...
0:19:23 > 0:19:25..removing a stray hair
0:19:25 > 0:19:27that's fallen across her face just so I can touch her?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Kissing her as we stand there...
0:19:34 > 0:19:38..not yet knowing whether or not I'm going to wake up next to her.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39And hoping...
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I'll hold her all night.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46And be the first thing that she sees when she wakes up in the morning.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51You'll be fine with that, will you?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57WEAKLY: Yeah.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Well, good.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01I'm glad we're clear, then.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Right.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- Weren't you, er, going to the toilet?- Yes, yes, I was, thank you.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Yeh-son, I decide we do not need a big wedding.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Let's marry for the cheap, like you want.- Really?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- Oh, great.- Good. I am thinking then next month at Town Hall.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Next month? Oh... - Why we wait? We're in love
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- and there is nothing in the world that can stop us, is there?- Well,
0:20:33 > 0:20:34er, there's the, um...
0:20:34 > 0:20:38What, Yeh-son? What will hold us back from marrying at once?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Muscles.- What?!
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Yeah, I want to get muscular for you.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46If you're looking for a training partner, I'm your man, Jason.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48I could do with stepping up my weights routine.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Well, thanks, great.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Why you squirm like piggy, Yeh-son?
0:21:02 > 0:21:03- You all right?- Yes.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- Your upper lip's all clammy.- What?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- Oh.- I have landed a whopper.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10The big guy - his name's Nero.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Wow, he looks...
0:21:12 > 0:21:15He is taking me for a Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet
0:21:15 > 0:21:16after he knocks off.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19And you know what an all-you-can-eat-buffet is code for, don't you?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- No.- A love banquet.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Right, right, right.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26See you tomorrow.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37The lovely Rachel has sent over some shots on the house
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- for the birthday boy. - Free? Great.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Here we go.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Not for me, elderflower presse - driving.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Hey.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Oi, oi, steady on, love.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- Oh, you two should get a room. - Oh, and you would be happy for that?
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Your wife in a mucky hotel room with a more attractive man?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- Ex-wife. - Oh, really?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Because Yem-ma here is telling me that YOU TWO ARE NOT DIVORCED!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15What? No!
0:22:15 > 0:22:19That you're still wife and a man in the eyes of the law!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- Mum, is that true, are you still married to Kermit?- Oi!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Hey, I think everybody should just calm down.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I'm still married. To Selina, not Gemma.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Yem-ma, you will speak the truth.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Are you or are you not married to Yeh-son?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Well, no...
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I-I mean, technically I suppose we are, but...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- I thought she knew!- She didn't!
0:22:41 > 0:22:46If I knew he still had the old ball and chain around his knees,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48we would not be engaged!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- She means nothing to me.- Thanks!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- YOU wanted to commit pigamy with me!- Bigamy.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55How could you, Yeh-son?!
0:22:55 > 0:23:00- Proposing to young woman when you still have an old wife!- Oh!
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- Hey!- Oh, look, if you flush the stain with cold water
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- and a teaspoon of vinegar, you'll be fine.- Try this.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Oh!
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Inca!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11This is Alfie's party, I think this isn't the right place to...
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I'm fine, this is good stuff.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15You are right, Irish, I am a dignified person.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Yem-ma, I hope we can remain friends.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Yeh-son, you are dead to me!
0:23:19 > 0:23:22So I am bagging your clothes for the poor people!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24See what you've done now?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- Jabber?! - Just tell her the truth!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I am blocking your voice, Yeh-son!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Look, Inca, I... - Get away from me!
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Inca, love of my life, please...
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- Oh, your family are more nuts than mine!- I know, right?
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Oh, no.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43This is all my fault.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Oh, nonsense, it's...
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- Oh, I think I want to go home. - I'll take you.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53LISA GIGGLES
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Can you make sure that Alfie gets back in one piece?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Yeah.- We will, won't we, Billy?
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Don't worry, Mrs Jones.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Inca.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Inca!
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Don't do this.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11I love you!
0:24:11 > 0:24:14A lie is a slice of evil that cuts through the ties of love!
0:24:14 > 0:24:18I didn't lie, I just didn't tell you the truth.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I thought I could sort it out in time for the wedding.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Deceiver!
0:24:22 > 0:24:26I have held your family in my bosom!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I have thought of Yem-ma as my mother figure!
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Your children as my own!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33We have ended, Yeh-son.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- Goodbye, heart-killer! - Inca!
0:24:38 > 0:24:39INCA!
0:24:47 > 0:24:49COUPLE LAUGHING
0:24:53 > 0:24:55What?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Oh, Tom, you didn't have to tidy up.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Just a light dusting.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I've put the cake in the fridge, washed the mugs
0:25:07 > 0:25:08and found £40 down the back of the sofa.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20What was that for? Not that I'm complaining.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24You're a very kind man, Tom.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27That makes you a rare thing.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Let me put that in a bicarb soak for you.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30We might be able to save it,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32but with old dresses, there's no guarantee.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- DOOR OPENS - Come on, mate.- Oh, Alfie!
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- Mum. Mum... - Yes.- Is that you?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45He got into a drinking competition with Lisa and lost.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46ALFIE GROANS
0:25:46 > 0:25:49It's because she's taller than me, she's like a long straw.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51And because I lost...
0:25:51 > 0:25:55she said that we had to swap clothes instead of numbers.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59But don't worry, Mum, don't worry, I kept the pants that you got me.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Oh, Alfie...
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Oh, oh, oh, OK, upstairs.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07I'll give him a hand. Selina was like a teenage boy when she'd drink.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08ALFIE GROANS
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- Come on, laddy. - Careful.- Up we go.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13My bottom's cold. Oh!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14ALFIE WRETCHES
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I think I'm going to...
0:26:16 > 0:26:17My bottom's cold!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- Thanks for bringing him home. - Ah, it's fine.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Are you OK?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Yes, fine.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Sorry if bringing Alfie home ruined your night.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36- It didn't.- Really?
0:26:37 > 0:26:43Because...it seemed like you walked the wrong person home.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- Unless you want to wake up next to Alfie.- It's not Alfie
0:26:46 > 0:26:47I want to wake up next to, it's...
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- JASON:- Gemma! - Oh, my God!
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- Gemma! - Is that a cat being murdered?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- DOORBELL RINGS - Gemma!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57This is all your fault.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Look, I'm sorry I told her, but I thought she knew!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02If you'd been honest from the start...
0:27:02 > 0:27:04She's kicked me out! I've nowhere to go.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06- Well, you can't stay here.- Why not?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08This used to be my place of residence and besides,
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I'm the father of your children.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- Do you want me to sleep in a dustbin?- Fine, one night.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15I'll never sleep anyway, I'm too...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- emotional! - Well, we should go.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Oh, it's probably for the best.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23I'm sorry about all of this.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Do you need a lift, or have you made other plans?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30No, no plans. Home is good.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Oh.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45What are we going to do with you?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49JASON SNORES
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- MUMBLING DRUNKENLY: - No, she got up next.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04GEMMA SIGHS
0:28:08 > 0:28:09Great.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I send the man I want away
0:28:12 > 0:28:14and end up with the one I don't.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18Silly old fool.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23I don't like blue cheese.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28# We spend all our time
0:28:28 > 0:28:31# Lying side by side
0:28:31 > 0:28:34# Going nowhere It's really something
0:28:34 > 0:28:36# Getting busy, doing nothing
0:28:36 > 0:28:39# We spend all our time
0:28:39 > 0:28:41# Running for our lives
0:28:41 > 0:28:44# Going nowhere It's really something
0:28:44 > 0:28:47# Getting busy, doing nothing
0:28:47 > 0:28:50# Getting busy, doing nothing. #