0:00:02 > 0:00:05# We spend all our time lying side by side
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# Going nowhere It's really something
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# Getting busy Doing nothing
0:00:10 > 0:00:15# We spend all our time Running for our lives
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Going nowhere It's really something
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# Getting busy Doing nothing
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# Getting busy Doing nothing. #
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Cheater! Cheater!
0:00:27 > 0:00:30CHANTING ON TELEVISION Cheater! Cheater!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33That woman is sleeping with her husband,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36her husband's father and his father's brother!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Wow. Is that the father?
0:00:38 > 0:00:39No, that's the husband.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40There's the father.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Oh, dear. He looks very tired.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43You'd think she'd wash her hair.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47I mean, you know you're going on telly, so you'd wash your hair, wouldn't you?
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Well, she's been quite busy.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Maybe she didn't have time.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Inca gives herself an hour's preparation time
0:00:53 > 0:00:54before she leaves the house.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56You could take a leaf out of her book, Gems.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- You all right?- Yeah, I just...
0:01:03 > 0:01:05I miss her.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10The cleanliness, the order, the microbiotic food regime.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11You'd never have guessed.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Could you go round and see her for me?
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- Oh, no, I don't want to get involved.- You are involved, you're the reason why I'm here.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21No, Jason, you're the reason why you're lying on the sofa
0:01:21 > 0:01:22like a giant sausage roll.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26- Girls, get a wiggle on - Brownie camp!- Coming!
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Billy!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Sup on my raw veg, will you?
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Sorry?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- My gazpacho.- Oh.- Have a taste.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Right.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I usually get Poppy's sophisticated palate onto it,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- but she's away at Brownie camp, so...- Mmm. I'll do my best.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46It's a cold tomato-based soup,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49originating from the southern regions of Andalucia.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53You know, I'm just not a soupy kind of guy.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56You know, anything liquidy as a main meal
0:01:56 > 0:01:58just kind of creeps my tastebuds out.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- But I'm sure Gemma will love it. - Well...
0:02:02 > 0:02:05I haven't settled on a final menu yet, so...
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Oh, um...here.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Try one of these.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14A little piece of heaven in a ramekin.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16You want me to take a souffle on the bus?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Oh, yes.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Ah.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23And text me your thoughts, eh?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25LOL, smiley face.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26HE CHUCKLES
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Right, baggy, crispies and, um...
0:02:33 > 0:02:34a little tart.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39You should do salads, you know.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40I have an irritable bowel.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Oh.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Well, I'll make sure I tell my boss.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Not about your bowel thing, about the salad thing.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I bet you don't have an irritable bowel.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Er...no.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Can I have a cheese and pickle baguette,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- chicken pine nut wrap, and some crisps.- Mmm, I like your style.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Certainly no bowel issues there.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY No.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05My bowels are fine, thanks.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10There's a little something extra in the cheese and pickle baguette.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16You are very lucky I was able to fitting you in.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18People highly demand me.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Oh, thanks, Inca.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21It's just I'm going to dinner at Tom's tonight.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Tom is a snatch.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Catch.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Go behind screen and slipping off clothes.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30There are paper pants in there for your safety.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Thanks.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33So how are you, Inca?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Did Yason send you?
0:03:35 > 0:03:36No.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I didn't tell him I was coming.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40He misses you.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42My heart is stone, Gemma.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Please onto the couch.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49You want a wax while you're here?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Er, no, thanks.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Probably a mistake.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Oh, well, it's just friends having dinner, no funny business.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01BELL RINGS
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Ooh!
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- You are burying your head in the soot.- Maybe.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11What about you?
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Aren't you burying your head in the...
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Ow!
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Tension balls.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Inca, the thing is,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19you and Jason are just so...
0:04:19 > 0:04:21totally made for each other.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22I thunk so too.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26He was the deep fried fish to my organic parsnip chips.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30The high-cholesterol salt to my filtered balsamic vinegar.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Basically, Gemma, he was the ping to my pong.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Ohh!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- But now I have thrust forward with my life.- Oh! Ooh!
0:04:38 > 0:04:42I have joined husbandhunter.co.uk.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- Inca! Ooh!- He has broken the hoop of trust!
0:04:44 > 0:04:45- Oh, Inca!- What?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Ooh...
0:04:47 > 0:04:48You're hurting me.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Sorry, I forget you're frail.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Turn!
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Ooh...
0:04:54 > 0:04:55You see this?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Er, no.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00This is the white platinum engagement ring that I'm imagining Yason gave me.
0:05:00 > 0:05:05It is having a prong set with a round brilliant diamond solitaire,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08embraced by a sparkling micro paved halo setting.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Give him the ring back.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Oh, I'm not sure I know how to give back an...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Oh.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Whoo!- Ooh!
0:05:16 > 0:05:19It is fine. I have a date tonight at the bar.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22With businessman Terry Tompkinson 44, from Northwood Hills.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23On no, Inca, don't!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Come round to mine and see Jason.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Jason who?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Lie!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32HE SIGHS
0:05:32 > 0:05:35# Con te...
0:05:35 > 0:05:40- # Partiro... - # Partiro..!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- # Paesi... - # Paesi...
0:05:44 > 0:05:47# Che non ho mai
0:05:47 > 0:05:53# Veduto e vissuto con te...
0:05:53 > 0:05:59# Lo con te... #
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- # Magnifico... - # Magnifico...
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- SINGS ALONG: - # I'm just a poor boy Nobody loves me
0:06:09 > 0:06:12# He's just a poor boy From a poor family
0:06:12 > 0:06:14# Spare him his life From this monstrosity.... #
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- I'm not listening to that! - Ooh, now, ssh.- What?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20# Easy come, easy go Will you let me go
0:06:20 > 0:06:23# Bismillah! No, we will not let you go... #
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I went to see Inca today, and she gave me back her imaginary engagement ring.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- It's over. She's even going on a date tonight.- She moves fast!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- Jason thinks she's going to take him back.- Yeah, well, he would.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- You've got to tell him.- I know. I need moral support.- I've got plans.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Alfie...
0:06:37 > 0:06:38TUNELESS SINGING
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Fine.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41- Go on.- What?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43HE SIGHS
0:06:43 > 0:06:47# Beelzebub has a devil Put aside... #
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Er, Jason, now.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to blurt it out.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56Um...I went to see Inca today, and, er, she said to give you this back.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58I'm sorry.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00What's she giving back?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- It's the imaginary engagement ring you never bought her. - She's being dramatic.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- She'll have me back. - Jason, she's moving on.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09She's going on a date tonight.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14- She's doing what?- She's going on a date.- With who?- Businessman Terry someone...it's not the point.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- It's not the point... - Right, I'm going down there.- No...
0:07:16 > 0:07:21- No! And I'm going to give that bloke a jolly good shoeing!- A shoeing? - She's a fragile, rare butterfly.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23She needs protecting, otherwise she'll just end up
0:07:23 > 0:07:26on some rich geezer's wall with a pin stuck through her torso!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I've never loved anyone the way I love her, never.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30I'm going down there.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33No, Jason, no! You're only going to make things worse.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37There's no way she'll take you back if you go down there all guns blazing. Is there, Alfie?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38What? Oh, no.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- Say something.- Er...yes.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Wha..?
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Well, yeah, OK, Mum's right.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47You'll end up looking more of a plank than you do in that little Slanket thingy.
0:07:47 > 0:07:52- Thanks for those pearls of wisdom. - You're welcome.- Supposing this geezer's a murderer!
0:07:52 > 0:07:57No, I'm sure Inca can take care of herself. But what I do propose is that, um...
0:07:57 > 0:08:01- That Alfie go to the bar to keep an eye on her.- What? No, I can't do that, I've got a booty text.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- Cheese and pickle girl got the number I hid in her baguette. - This is a family emergency.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08So get Billy to do it, he's working at the bar tonight.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Oh, I don't know...
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Well, I would feel better if I knew that someone was watching over her.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14No, forget it, I'm going there meself!
0:08:14 > 0:08:17No, Jason! Stay here, I'll sort Billy out.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I mean, I'll sort it out with Billy.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21I'm going to be all alone.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24The girls are out.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25You're going out.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28You're going out.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Inca's even going out.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Oh, good, you're here.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Er, look, sorry,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43but I haven't got time for the whole flirty thing you do.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Flirty thing?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- Yes.- You stay stuff to me and I get all hot and flustered,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50and then I'm not sure if it's attraction or the menopause.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- Anyway, I haven't got time for that, I need to get to the point.- You're doing well so far.- Oh, thank you.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56So...
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- ..you wanted us to get down to business?- Oh, yes.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Er...no, it's not about us.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Um, look, I need you to do a little bit of spying.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Well, not spying exactly, more keeping an eye on.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11So you want to hire me as a detective?
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Er...well not hire you so much, more ask you to as a favour.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Ah, free detective work. You know, I don't normally keep an eye on people for nothing.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Is it Alfie? Is he wearing women's clothes again?
0:09:22 > 0:09:23What?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25No, er...it's Inca.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Um, she's coming down here to meet businessman Terry someone for a date.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Does Alfie wear women's clothes?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Oh!
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Ow!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Listen, I've had to practically sedate Jason with bacon sandwiches
0:09:35 > 0:09:37to stop him from coming down here and making a scene.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Well, maybe he should do.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Show Inca how he feels,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42stop pretending that there isn't anything...
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Is this about us again?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Definitely not, this is spy business.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Would you stop bringing it round to "us" all the time?
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Ow!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- Is that how you treat all your employees?- No, just stop it.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54This is serious. If Jason comes down here and starts getting all macho,
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- it's going to make things a lot worse than they are already. - OK, understood.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- So you'd like me to keep an eye on Inca and report back to you?- Yes.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Do we have code names?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I'm serious.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08You text me and let me know what's going on.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Should I intercept if our client is in danger?
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Well, yes, obviously.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You want me to put my life on the line for you then?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Now you...stop it. I'm going.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19You...
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I would.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Yep, so would I.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33# At last...
0:10:36 > 0:10:40# My love has come along
0:10:44 > 0:10:50# My lonely days are over... #
0:10:58 > 0:10:59All right?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03All right.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I'm just waiting for someone.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Yep, me.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13You put your number in my baguette, so here I am.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16No. No, I put my number in cheese and pickle girl's baguette.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19No. She was the chicken and pine nut.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I'm the cheese and pickle.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Oh...
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Ohh...
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Well, this is awkward.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Only if you're not gay.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Not gay.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35So yeah...
0:11:35 > 0:11:36it's a bit awkward.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Oh!
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Sorry I'm late.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51What's 22 minutes? Nothing's ruined.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- Lovely to see you, come on in. - Oh, great.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Um, Tom...
0:11:55 > 0:11:56The thing is, I...
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Jason!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Yes, that's the thing.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Jason.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Just parking. All right, Tom?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Jason's had a bit of bad news.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Inca's on a date.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09And I want to go down there and batter the man, but Gemma won't let me!
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Yes, sorry, Tom, I just couldn't leave him on his own. It's all been a bit last minute.
0:12:13 > 0:12:18I have plenty for three. You're doing the grown-up thing, Jason.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20No, I can't do it, I'm not grown-up, I'm going down there.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24No, Jason, be sensible. Now, Billy's there and he's going to be keeping an eye on things.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Oh, well, that's all right, then. It's much better this way, Jason.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I made a terrible fool of myself when Selina moved in with Imran.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I exploded at the Asda meat counter, hurling a salami at him.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Wait it out and go and speak to her tomorrow calmly and with dignity.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- I'm so sorry about all of this. - We've all got baggage, Gem.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Yeah, well, I've brought mine with me.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Literally.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Can I take your coat, Gemma?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50And Jason, your, um...
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Blankety thing.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Er, Billy...
0:12:56 > 0:12:58A couple of pints for me and my date, Cheese and Pickle.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Don't ask.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Did Mum ask you to spy on Inca?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Yeah, she wants me to make notes and update her.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Very James Bond.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Quiz machine?
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Sure, why not?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15You know, Casanova was a spy,
0:13:15 > 0:13:19for the Venetian Inquisitors of State, in between his womanising.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I expect I'd be like him if I was a spy.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I see you more as Mata Hari.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Oh, really? I bet he was cool.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Yeah, she was.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Good luck.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Cheers.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Get your own baguette date.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Now this is a beauty.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Birch wine.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Wine from a tree?
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Yep.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44You penetrate the bark, let the sap drip into the bottle,
0:13:44 > 0:13:48and then you begin the wine-making process.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Dammit, I like it.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53So you're a bit of a Bear Grylls, then?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Does he make wine?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59No, he eats flies and stuff.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Mm.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- OK, what's the shortest verse in the Bible?- Jesus wept.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- All right, I'm only asking. - No, that's the answer.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- The shortest verse is "Jesus wept." - Ah-ha.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Right, in money slang, how much is a "Pavarotti" worth?
0:14:12 > 0:14:13It's C, 30.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- What? No, hang on. It's B, 10 quid. - Inca, you look lovely!
0:14:17 > 0:14:18I know.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22It was hard for me to be doing this dress up now that I am alone.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I'd be happy to help you with your zip.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25There is no zip.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26It's like sausage skin.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I had to do lots of writhing and wriggling on the bed.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30I love this bar.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32What can I get you?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Ah! Scotch on the rocks.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Allow me.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Are you my blind date?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41No.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42But I could be.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43I am thinking not.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- You are not exfoliating facially. - There you go.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Yeah, steady with the wine, Jason.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I'm enjoying myself, you lighten up.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54So...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57starters of fresh sardines.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Naples style.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04Drizzled with a garlic and white wine vinaigrette.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08And the homemade bread on the table is made by Poppy's own fair hand.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10His kid makes bread.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Do our kids make bread?
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Oh...no, mate, no.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Gemma doesn't eat anything with eyes, do you, love?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20It's fine. It's fine, I do now.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Really? What, dead googly eyes staring at you?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Stop it, Jason.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Sorry, Gem, I didn't think to ask.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Mmmm-mm! This is lovely, mate.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Shall I take the head off?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31No, it's fine, I can do it.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Selina, Poppy and I went on a cooking course in Naples
0:15:36 > 0:15:38on our last holiday together.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39It was wonderful.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41My last holiday with Inca
0:15:41 > 0:15:43was five days on a barge on the Norfolk Broads.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Inca turned some heads.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47She was like a Scandinavian ice queen
0:15:47 > 0:15:49gliding that barge down those canals.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52She never let me drive.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55"The barge she sat in,
0:15:55 > 0:15:59"like a burnish'd throne, burned on the water."
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Shakespeare.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05I have to go to her.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07No, Jason, you can't.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Billy texted, she's not even there yet.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12How about I pop open some parsnip champagne?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21A wonderful beast, the organic parsnip.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23champagne, yeast, juice of two oranges...
0:16:23 > 0:16:26all in all, quite a potent combination.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Mmm.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Mmm.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32That was lovely, Tom, thank you.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Full up.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36They pack a nutritional punch.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I know someone I'd like to punch.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40You let them go,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43and if they come back to you, then it was meant to be.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- Your wife never came back from Imran.- Jason!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Don't be rude!
0:16:47 > 0:16:48SHE SIGHS
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Maybe we should go.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51No, don't be silly.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Jason's right, she didn't.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56It wasn't meant to be.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Um...
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Let's get the, er... next course ready.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Fresh pasta.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Please, help yourselves to the olives.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11What?
0:17:11 > 0:17:12- Behave.- I am.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Ugh!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21So, you nervous about your date?
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Oh...
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Not so much.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25I have had many dates.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Always they ask me on a second date, and always I am saying no.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Ah, but you went on a second date with Jason.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Yes, that's because on the first date he was forgetting his purse,
0:17:34 > 0:17:35so I paid.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38So we had to have second date so he could be reimbursing me back.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39I see.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42We are Europeans, you and I.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Foreigners getting mixed up with the English,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48with their tiny scared hearts.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49It is pain-making.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Yeah, but real love is worth the pain, isn't it?
0:17:53 > 0:17:57I mean, having your heart ripped out is part of knowing you're alive.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00But you can't live without your heart, Irish.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Yeah, but you can't live if you keep it to yourself either.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I am wanting to show my love,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09to yodel it from the mountains.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Oh...
0:18:11 > 0:18:14But mens in this country, they just cannot do this.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Where is Yason now that I am to see another man?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I can tell you. Eating pig at Gemma's.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31No, thank you, I am sorry to disappoint you.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I am sure you have thought all the Easters have come at once upon seeing me,
0:18:34 > 0:18:40but I have just realised, businessman Terry Tompkinson, aged 44 from Northwood Hills,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42that I am very much in love with Yason.
0:18:42 > 0:18:47Then Yason is an incredibly lucky man.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Yes, he is. You are most astute.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52There's my card.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- If you ever change your mind. - No, thank you.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04So what was wrong with him?
0:19:04 > 0:19:09Yes, I know, he had great hairs and fashions, but he just...
0:19:09 > 0:19:11wasn't being Yason.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I think you should take her home.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Oh, sure.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Yeah, of course, of course.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21But before we go,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24does anyone know the name of Sherlock Holmes's housekeeper?
0:19:24 > 0:19:25- Mrs Hudson.- B, Mrs Hudson!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Got it!
0:19:27 > 0:19:28- Yes!- Yes!!
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Tom!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34That is amazing!
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Thank you, Jason.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37If I was a woman, I'd marry you.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Wouldn't you, Gems?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Gemma, have you seen this?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Yes, wonderful.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Oh, you've got it all going, Tom, haven't you, huh?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Nice house, nice car...
0:19:47 > 0:19:49You can cook...
0:19:49 > 0:19:50You're OK looking.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Thanks.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- I used to think you were a bit of a kno... - MESSAGE TONE
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- Oh! Text. - Is it Billy? What does he say?
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Has Inca gone on the date?
0:19:57 > 0:20:02He says...that Inca is at the bar, and she seems sad.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03She's missing me.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05And that the guy arrived...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07oh, and he was very good looking.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09No! I'm going down there.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- MESSAGE TONE - No, wait, wait. He says Inca turned him away.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Oh, she still loves me.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Or maybe he had bad breath.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17MESSAGE TONE
0:20:17 > 0:20:19What else does he say?
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Um, Billy says,
0:20:20 > 0:20:21"I want to..."
0:20:22 > 0:20:24He wants to what?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Oh! Um...
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Oh, oh, oh, um...
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Gemma?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- Yes.- Are you all right, Gemma?
0:20:32 > 0:20:33No...um...
0:20:33 > 0:20:35yes, I'm...I'm just a bit hot.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Well, there is a gentle after-kick of fresh chilli from the linguine,
0:20:39 > 0:20:40it can take you by surprise.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42It certainly can.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Um...may I, um...use your bathroom?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Of course, upstairs. First door on the left.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Right!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Let's get drunk!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54What's next on the homemade wine front?
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Roast potato?
0:21:00 > 0:21:01SHE SIGHS
0:21:05 > 0:21:10- Thank you for giving me the rides home.- You're welcome.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12You know, he's all right, really.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Who?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Jason.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- He's liar and pain maker with the eyes of the beaver.- Agreed.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19But he...
0:21:19 > 0:21:20you know, when he split up with Mum,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23he didn't have to help out with me, and he did.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Go on.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31He always showed up for school stuff, and...
0:21:31 > 0:21:34well, you know, even though he's a clown and a muppet,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36he's kind of all right.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38But if you tell him I said that, I will deny it.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40OK.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41I will keep it under my socks.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45He loves you, you know?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47I know.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48But I'm not so sure it's enoughs.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Hang on...
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Your phone number is in all these baguettes.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06You must call her.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Reveal your heart.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09You think?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Tell her how you feel, man.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16Oh...I always make a hash of that sort of stuff.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Inca stabbed me with a nail file the last time I tried to be romantic.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Viking women are an enigma,
0:22:23 > 0:22:24indeed.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25But...
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I could help you.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30I trust you, Tom.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Ah...
0:22:31 > 0:22:33DIALS NUMBER
0:22:37 > 0:22:38HE SIGHS
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Straight to voicemail.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Leave a message!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Tell her...
0:22:44 > 0:22:48..that like her motherland, her beauty is vast and majestic.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Inca, just like your mother, you are vast and big.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56But where is the spring and the summer?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Where did it go?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I just don't know!
0:23:02 > 0:23:09But still...my love for you will live forever...
0:23:10 > 0:23:13# Hasta manana...
0:23:13 > 0:23:17- # Till we meet again - # Till we meet again
0:23:17 > 0:23:21BOTH: # Don't know where Don't know when... #
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I shouldn't even be looking at you, Billy's toothbrush.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I should be looking at you, Tom's.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34All strong and stylish and professional,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36with three speeds.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40What do you have?
0:23:43 > 0:23:44SHE SIGHS
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I'm not sure this is a good idea.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09PHONE RINGS
0:24:09 > 0:24:13You are primed, you know what to say.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15'Please leave your message after the tone.'
0:24:15 > 0:24:16BLEEP
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Yo, Selina.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Er...
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Yeah, shut it, sweet cheeks, if you know what's good for you.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25One thing...
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Your bum does look big, bit big, in jeans.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Not so much the black ones...
0:24:31 > 0:24:32But...
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Yeah, so anyway.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Get over yourself!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36THEY LAUGH
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I'm going to be in so much trouble.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Whoo!
0:24:47 > 0:24:48You still love her, don't you?
0:24:50 > 0:24:51TOM SIGHS
0:24:57 > 0:24:58HE SIGHS
0:24:58 > 0:25:00We need to stop meeting in bathrooms.
0:25:00 > 0:25:05Which would mean...meeting in places where other people would see us.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06It... Yes.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Which would mean...
0:25:08 > 0:25:09telling people.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Oh...
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Yodelling it from the mountains.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Well, maybe we could just... squeak it first.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16I just...
0:25:16 > 0:25:19I can't keep doing this without telling Alfie.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20You know, it's just not fair.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- KNOCK AT DOOR - Gemma!- Oh...
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- Open the door.- Oh, no.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Not now, Jason!
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Yes now, it's urgent.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Ohh...
0:25:28 > 0:25:32- (There's no lock on the door.) - Oh, I'm coming in.- Ooh! Er...
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Oh!
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Oh!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38JASON RETCHES
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Oh, oh, oh... Oh, Jason.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42It's the birch wine.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Oh, my tummy.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46No, no, I think it's the sardines repeating...
0:25:46 > 0:25:50- Oh...oh, oh! Urgh! - Gemma, I think you should go, I don't want you to see us like this.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- No! Make her stay, I need a wet compress.- No..!
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- I just want to get a flannel. - No, I'll get it!
0:25:55 > 0:25:59I like to nurse people. It's what makes me feel...whole.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Ooh..!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03I think you should leave Jason here.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I'm not so sure I should.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06It is my fault.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I undercooked the sardines.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Urgh! Ohh!
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Ohh!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Ohh...we'll get through this... together.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- Urgh... - Right, well, I guess you're right.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17OK...
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- Uh...- Huh...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Oh, and thank you for a lovely night.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23You're wel...welcome.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Oh, my God.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31The squits.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Oh, OK, I'll give you some privacy.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I'll put some towels on Poppy's bed for you.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Oh, come on!
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Uh...
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Oh...
0:26:41 > 0:26:42SPLASHING
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Oh dear.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46RETCHING
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Urgh...
0:26:48 > 0:26:52'Inca, just like your mother, you are vast and big.'
0:26:53 > 0:26:54'Where is the spring,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56'and the summer?'
0:26:56 > 0:26:57SHE SIGHS
0:26:57 > 0:26:59'Where did it go?
0:26:59 > 0:27:00'I just don't know.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03'But still...
0:27:03 > 0:27:09'my love for you will live forever.'
0:27:09 > 0:27:11'# Hasta manana...
0:27:11 > 0:27:15- '# Till we meet again - '# Till we meet again
0:27:15 > 0:27:19BOTH: '# Don't know where Don't know when... #'
0:27:19 > 0:27:20BLEEP
0:27:39 > 0:27:41DOORBELL RINGS
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Oh, come on, come on, answer.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50I'm in love with Billy, don't judge me.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53- I won't.- You're not Fran!
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Where's Fran?
0:27:54 > 0:27:55Gemma?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58- What are you doing here? Are you OK? - She's in love with Billy.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00- Well... Hang on. Billy?- Yeah.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01- Not Tom?- No.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03But Billy, he's...
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Well, he's...
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Well then again, he is so...
0:28:07 > 0:28:08She doesn't want you to judge.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Well, then she shouldn't tell me. That's what friends do, judge.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Right, well, I'll leave you two to it.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Well, not it. Well...
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Well, probably it.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19No, no, no, come in.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23- Billy, though?- Judging...
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Not judging, just saying.
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Sounded a bit judging.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27DOOR SLAMS
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd