0:00:05 > 0:00:08When I think of Michael, I think of...
0:00:08 > 0:00:09Shaking of the hair.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15INDISTINCT
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Some people say that my husband Mark
0:00:17 > 0:00:19looks rather like Michael McIntyre.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25I think you'll find, pal, that is legal tender!
0:00:25 > 0:00:29In my house we don't just have one mad drawer, we have two.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Drachma!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34SHE PUFFS LOUDLY WITH EACH STROKE
0:00:37 > 0:00:39- I'm not a glider. - I'm a glider.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Yes, that IS wine.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48It's cheesy!
0:00:48 > 0:00:52The fake tan's out, ready to become mahogany Katie. Pow!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- BOTH:- But the plane won't leave without us!
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Noooo juice.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59No...juice.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04I'm in Ireland. Where do I go, "fir" or "mna"?
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Do you want some?
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Me...and you...outside.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15I'm utterly gazebo'ed.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19That slow car in this lane. Retreat to the loser lane where you belong!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23My name is fiiive-spiiice.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Five-spice!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- ALL:- Five-spice.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I'm five times as good as all of you.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34"Excuse me!" "What is it, who are you?"
0:01:34 > 0:01:37"Well, I've been in the cupboard longer
0:01:37 > 0:01:39"than these four put together."
0:01:39 > 0:01:41"Well, what's your name then?"
0:01:41 > 0:01:44"John West tuna, nice to meet you."
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Pants down!
0:01:45 > 0:01:46CHILDREN SCREAM
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Ladies...- ..and... - ..gentlemen...
0:01:50 > 0:01:51- please...- ..welcome...
0:01:51 > 0:01:53ALL: ..Michael McIntyre!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55CHEERING
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Come on! Bravo!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00HIGH-PITCHED: Let's goooo!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Let's do this! Yay!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Oh, yeah, it's on.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Oh, this is very exciting for me.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my show.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20It's a special night. It's my last night here...
0:02:20 > 0:02:21CHEERING
0:02:21 > 0:02:25So, look, do you think I've lost weight?
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Is that something...?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28CHEERING Come on!
0:02:30 > 0:02:31I'm so hungry!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:36The truth is, I lost quite a lot of weight and I'm putting it back on.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I've got to that stage where it's going back on and I'm in denial.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40I'm lying to myself about it.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I still weigh myself every day on the scales,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44but I do it first thing in the morning.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I take all my clothes off, take my watch off, breathe out...
0:02:46 > 0:02:48and then I stand on it,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51but I don't stay on the scales for it to tell me the full reading.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I don't know why I do this to myself. I'm lying to myself.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57I literally just sort of go, "That seems fine. What's for breakfast?"
0:02:59 > 0:03:00I've got these old-fashioned scales.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I've actually twiddled the thing below the zero.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04"I'm exactly the same."
0:03:06 > 0:03:09It all started last, well, last year,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11sometimes people when they lose weight they have a moment
0:03:11 > 0:03:14in their life and they think, "I'm going to go on a diet now.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15"I'm determined to lose weight."
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I had a thing happen to me. I was on my son's iPad.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I say it's my son's iPad, he's only ten, it's obviously my iPad.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24He has it a lot. If you're a parent and you're raising your children
0:03:24 > 0:03:26without the use of iPads, I applaud you.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I don't know how you're doing that. iPads are magical.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31They are magical. They shut your children up
0:03:31 > 0:03:33at any time, day or night.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35My eldest, he wakes up at about 5:30 every morning.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37He just runs in. "Morning!"
0:03:37 > 0:03:42I'm like, "Not for me", and I just frisbee an iPad at him.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44"88% battery, that's you for two hours, go on.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47"Lower the brightness, you might get more time out of it."
0:03:47 > 0:03:49They're so lucky, our children,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51they've got iPads and iPods and iPhones.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53In our day we had i...spy.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55How shit... LAUGHTER
0:03:55 > 0:03:59..was our life compared to the lives of our children get to enjoy today?
0:03:59 > 0:04:03"I spy with my little eye something beginning with...
0:04:03 > 0:04:04"C." "Is it cloud?"
0:04:04 > 0:04:05"No." "Is it car?"
0:04:05 > 0:04:07"Yes. Your turn."
0:04:07 > 0:04:09What?!
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I actually played thumb war with my ten-year-old the other day
0:04:12 > 0:04:14to show him some of the games that we had to endure.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I said to him, "Do you want to play thumb war?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18He was like, "Shall I download it?" "No, you can't download thumb war."
0:04:18 > 0:04:21This is a battle between my thumb and your thumb, you know?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24You interlock hands, you declare it - one, two, three, four -
0:04:24 > 0:04:26you don't go straight into battle. "I declare a thumb war."
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Then you sort of jockey for position,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30hold the other person's thumb down and you're the winner.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32He's got his little ten-year-old thumb,
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I've got my huge daddy thumb, I thought I'd go easy on him.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36But, of course, I didn't realise
0:04:36 > 0:04:38that he's been texting since he was born!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41He was some kind of thumb war ninja.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I could barely see his thumb moving.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47It was like the mini Matrix.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49He just kept beating me over and over again.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51"Agh! Stop doing that, get back on the iPad."
0:04:53 > 0:04:55But sometimes you need to use iPads.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56It's a pacifier. Parents know what it's like,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58sometimes you need to calm your children down.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01You need a break, you need a break from your children.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04The best way, of course, to pacify your children, as we all know,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07is drugs. Actual drugs are the most effective.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Calpol is the drug of choice for children.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13You give them Calpol when they have colds and runny noses and stuff.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15But there are side effects.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17You notice it, it sort of calms them down,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20makes them more lucid, they sleep through the night...
0:05:20 > 0:05:23They become better people, you'll prefer them.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24You'll find yourself almost hoping
0:05:24 > 0:05:26that they get slight little colds and things.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29"Someone just needs to sneeze near my children."
0:05:29 > 0:05:33"Atchoo!" "I think we should give both children Calpol just in case."
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I remember the first time I gave my eldest Calpol.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37He was a little baby.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39We were so worried about him, my wife and I kept rereading
0:05:39 > 0:05:42the instructions, 1.5ml, you know,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44we were apologising to his little runny nose.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46"Mummy and daddy, we love you so much,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48"we're so sorry to put this foreign substance into your body,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50"but we wouldn't do it if we didn't love you."
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Within a few months, we're just hosing him in the face.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56HOARSE: "Go to sleep!"
0:05:58 > 0:06:01It's even more fun now, because you don't have to put it on spoons.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Oh, it's so satisfying. They come with these little plastic syringes.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06You can just suck it up and squirt it in their little face
0:06:06 > 0:06:08like you're filling them up with petrol.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10"Schoom, schoom!"
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Sometimes they don't even know I've done it.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15They're just watching telly with their mouths slightly hanging open.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19I just come in with a couple of loaded syringes. "Schoom, schoom."
0:06:19 > 0:06:21"Right, that's the kids done, come on, darling,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23"let's go upstairs for some us time."
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Frisbee a couple of iPads in case they cotton on to the situation.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29My wife's actually got a belt
0:06:29 > 0:06:31with ready-made Calpol syringes holstered.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35She does other people's children after school.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37HE MIMICS FIRING SYRINGES
0:06:37 > 0:06:38"You'll thank me for that, guys.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42"Call me in four to six hours if you need."
0:06:42 > 0:06:45And it's a wonderful moment in every parent's life when you find out
0:06:45 > 0:06:48the news that you can give your children Calpol AND Nurofen...
0:06:50 > 0:06:51..at the same time!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54You can double-barrel this!
0:06:54 > 0:06:55"Pa-ching, pa-ching."
0:06:55 > 0:06:57"See you next Thursday,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"your mother and I are off to France on a mini break."
0:07:01 > 0:07:02APPLAUSE
0:07:04 > 0:07:06It's not quite that bad.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- AUDIENCE:- Woo! - They've sort of...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13They've sort of become addicted, if I'm honest,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16maybe not to Calpol, but certainly to the iPads.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17We all are, aren't we?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19We are all addicted to iPads and technology and phones.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Let's be honest, I say good morning to my phone
0:07:21 > 0:07:23before I say good morning to my wife.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I literally roll over and check my messages.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27I have it everywhere - in the bath with me.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I was thinking, I've not had a bath
0:07:29 > 0:07:30without taking my phone for years.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I just need to be constantly entertained on Google,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34and internet, looking at old photos and stuff.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37But sometimes it rings in the bath and you don't know what to do.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38You don't know whether to pick it up.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41There's something about being in the bathroom,
0:07:41 > 0:07:42there is some kind of echo that goes on.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44That even though you don't tell them you're in the bath,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46because it's very embarrassing for them,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48they always seem to know. Something goes on.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50They always go, "Are you in the bath?"
0:07:50 > 0:07:52And I deny it. "I'm not in the bath."
0:07:52 > 0:07:54The other day I was chatting away on loudspeaker,
0:07:54 > 0:07:55my friend said "Are you in the bath?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I said, "How do people always know I'm in the bath?"
0:07:58 > 0:08:00And he said, "Because you FaceTime me." "Shit!
0:08:02 > 0:08:03"I'll call you back!"
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I was literally sort of dangling it around my belly button,
0:08:06 > 0:08:07it was awful.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13So I went on this, I went to my son's iPad, my iPad, on this app,
0:08:13 > 0:08:14it's called the Akinator,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16this was the encouragement for me to start losing weight.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19It's basically quite a boring game,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21it's like 20 Questions, you think of a famous person,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23it asks you a series of questions, you answer yes or no
0:08:23 > 0:08:26and it narrows it down and suggests the famous person you're thinking of.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30And while my son was at school, purely for egotistical reasons,
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I thought I would see if I was featured as a famous person
0:08:32 > 0:08:34in the game. So, it goes...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36"Think of a famous person."
0:08:36 > 0:08:37I'm, like, "OK, got him.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40"I've been thinking about him a lot recently."
0:08:40 > 0:08:42And then it starts asking questions.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44"Is he a man?" I go, "Yes, obviously."
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"Is he American?"
0:08:46 > 0:08:47"No." "Is he a singer?" "No."
0:08:47 > 0:08:49It narrowed it down to a British comedian with dark hair,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52and I was getting a bit excited, I thought, "I wonder if I'm featured?"
0:08:52 > 0:08:55It's nearly time. And then it goes... On the actual app, it said,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58"Is he slightly overweight - yes or no?"
0:08:59 > 0:09:04So I had this horrible moment of brutal honesty, took a deep breath,
0:09:04 > 0:09:06clicked yes, and it went, "Is it Michael McIntyre?"
0:09:06 > 0:09:08And showed me...
0:09:08 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:09 > 0:09:11A picture of my fat face!
0:09:11 > 0:09:15It felt so official. So I haven't really eaten since then.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18That was the encouragement for me.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20And I've been exercising as well.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I mean, I've been exercising less recently, but, like,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25my wife was much more keen for me to get fit than not fat.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28She doesn't mind what I look like, as long as I stop hurting myself.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Normally people injure themselves and they have a story.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33You say, "How'd you do that?" "I've hurt my arm." "What happened?"
0:09:33 > 0:09:35And they'll tell you something landed on it, or they fell.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I just kept hurting myself and I had no idea what happened.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Just by being alive. I would just start hurting myself.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42An example of this, a good example,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45is last year I actually pulled a muscle in my back
0:09:45 > 0:09:48reaching for food on the lower shelf of the fridge!
0:09:48 > 0:09:49This is a sign, isn't it?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I felt it go, "Crack", and rather than calling for help
0:09:52 > 0:09:56I ate all the food that I could reach.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58There was a Yop that was slightly out of my reach.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00That's when I called for...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"Help! I need that Yop and I may have broken my back."
0:10:02 > 0:10:05These are sad signs.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06I did this terrible thing to my arm as well.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08No idea how it happened.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Right in here. Total agony. I couldn't even open my arm.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12It was... "Agh!" ..excruciating.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I had to open it in the morning,
0:10:14 > 0:10:16just spend the day with it open like this.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I didn't even know how I did it.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Finally I went to the doctor, he examined me
0:10:20 > 0:10:21and he said, "I know exactly what this is.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23"You've got golfer's elbow. How often do you play?"
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I'm like, "I don't play golf."
0:10:25 > 0:10:27He said, "You must, you've got golfer's elbow."
0:10:27 > 0:10:29"I've never played golf." "This is very peculiar,
0:10:29 > 0:10:31"I've never seen anybody with this who doesn't play golf.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33"It's a very specific injury to golfers.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36"You must have recreated golf somehow in your domestic life."
0:10:36 > 0:10:39You must have been shouting at the children, "Whose shoe is this?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41"This shoe should be by the door!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46"We're late, get your bag and get in the car!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I cricked my neck last year watching a football match.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I wasn't even playing in the match. I was at the football,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55I wanted them to head it, I was like,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58"Get in", and cricked my neck, got it stuck in this position.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I could only watch one half of the match.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02That's embarrassing to go to the doctor.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04"Who do you play for?" "I don't play,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06"I was watching other people and I've hurt myself terribly.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08It was like that for days.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Because we've all cricked our necks, haven't we?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13We've all done that. But it normally comes from sleeping, sleeping funny.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Because we do, we sleep funny.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17You wake up and you're in pain, you discuss it with your partner.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20"I must have slept funny, did you see me? Was it hilarious?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23"I'm in a lot of pain from my funny sleep.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24"I must have slept really funny.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28"I've hurt my neck. "Did you sleep funny? You must have slept hilariously funny."
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Because every position we can get our bodies into
0:11:30 > 0:11:33we would have slept in at one time or another,
0:11:33 > 0:11:34and I don't know why.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Because we always start the night as we hope to go on.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40You don't start like that, you don't go, "Goodnight", and suddenly...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43You start in the perfect position.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44You get your head on the pillow,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46duvet comes in, "Night, darling, love you.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49"I'm in my perfect position. She's in her perfect position."
0:11:49 > 0:11:52"Love you, too." Sometimes there's some cuddling,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55sometimes I cuddle her in her perfect position, "I love you",
0:11:55 > 0:11:57but I'm not in my perfect position. And my arm is trapped.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I can't sleep like that. I'm just reassuring her of love.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Because soon I have to roll away.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03"I love you, but now it is time for me to roll away
0:12:03 > 0:12:05"to my perfect position."
0:12:05 > 0:12:07To be honest, she normally initiates the roll away.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11"That's enough now, it's time for you to roll away, go on, I'm tired."
0:12:11 > 0:12:14You're interrupting my perfect position.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Then you roll away.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18That could be quite an ambiguous move. Sometimes I...
0:12:18 > 0:12:21"Are you inviting the situation? I didn't know we're scheduled..."
0:12:21 > 0:12:25"No, no, darling, quite the opposite, roll away now."
0:12:25 > 0:12:27You roll away.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29In fact, as you get quite old, you actually roll away
0:12:29 > 0:12:32and you go down the corridor to your new room.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35That...is a depressing moment in the relationship.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39"I love you, but not enough to sleep in the same room.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42"I'm going to take the one where the children have now vacated."
0:12:43 > 0:12:45My wife goes to sleep before me because she's tired.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I think that's the thing, why people go to sleep.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49She is exhausted. She works very hard.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I don't. I do this. It's a riot.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53I'm up all night, just watching telly.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Sitting there. Lying there, watching telly with the controls.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58And I see her sleeping. I'm an observer of the sleeping person.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00And I see how the perfect position
0:13:00 > 0:13:02almost immediately starts to mess up.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05The leg comes out and she starts edging over to my side.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06HE MIMICS SNORING
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Breathing. The mouth sort of falls.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Pushing me off. Even though I've seen her brushing her teeth
0:13:13 > 0:13:16ten, 15 minutes before, the breath is already slightly on the turn.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18HE MIMICS SNORING
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Wedge pillows in front of her.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26She does that weird jolting thing.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28You know, when she just nods off and then she suddenly
0:13:28 > 0:13:30will wake herself up. "Ahh!"
0:13:30 > 0:13:32"You all right, darling?"
0:13:32 > 0:13:35"Oh, my God. Oh, Michael, I thought I was falling,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"I thought I was falling."
0:13:37 > 0:13:40"You're not falling, darling, if anything you're too much on my side.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43"You're pushing me. You should be closer to falling.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46"You keep moving over here. I'm going to be falling, darling.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48"Go on, get back to sleep.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49"I love you, darling."
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Then she'll go back to sleep in the perfect position.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Then the leg comes back out. HE MIMICS SNORING
0:13:54 > 0:13:55The breath, the mumbling.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57HE TALKS GIBBERISH
0:13:57 > 0:13:58She mumbles to herself as well.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00"How am I supposed to...?"
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Because it's not beautiful. She's a beautiful woman,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04my wife, but it's supposed to be romantic.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06In movies, we see people looking at each other sleeping,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09and it's quite romantic, isn't it, when they're falling in love?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I'll watch you when you're sleeping, she'll be lying there,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13look at my beautiful face in the moonlight.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15And he's like, "I'm falling in love with you,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"you're so beautiful in the perfect position
0:14:17 > 0:14:19"with your beautiful face." Maybe she turns a bit.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21"I'm even more beautiful over here.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23"Maybe I'll just do this a little bit,
0:14:23 > 0:14:25"but I'm still incredibly gorgeous."
0:14:25 > 0:14:27The reality is not romantic.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29It's more of a horror movie, if I'm honest.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Sometimes I look over and my wife's eyes just pop open in my face.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Terrifying!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I'll look over and she's...
0:14:36 > 0:14:37HE MIMICS SNORING
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Then suddenly...
0:14:41 > 0:14:43HE TALKS GIBBERISH
0:14:43 > 0:14:45"Are you awake?"
0:14:45 > 0:14:46HE TALKS GIBBERISH
0:14:46 > 0:14:49She mumbles in a language that I don't even understand.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Sometimes she argues with herself in tongues.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54"Bla-bla-bla. How did I even know that?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57"Michael? Mich..."
0:14:59 > 0:15:02HE MIMICS SNORING
0:15:02 > 0:15:04HE ALTERNATES GIBBERISH AND SNORING
0:15:09 > 0:15:12The only time she smiles sweetly, and I regret saying this,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14is when the night farts kick in.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I think it's important that
0:15:16 > 0:15:18we establish that my wife is a beautiful woman.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21She's very prim and proper.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23And she hasn't actually farted in the daytime
0:15:23 > 0:15:25in the 15 years we've been together.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28And it's a record we're both very proud of.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30But I'm here to tell you, unfortunately,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32her night record is not nearly as strong.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36It's biology. They have to come out at some stage.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38And she sort of reacts to them as well.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40HE MIMICS SNORING, BREAKING WIND
0:15:40 > 0:15:41"Oh!"
0:15:41 > 0:15:42LAUGHTER, HE TALKS GIBBERISH
0:15:44 > 0:15:50HE MIMICS BREAKING WIND, TALKS GIBBERISH
0:15:52 > 0:15:53"Michael?"
0:15:53 > 0:15:55HE MIMICS SNORING
0:15:55 > 0:15:57The other night, I don't what she'd eaten,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00but it was like a fireworks display.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02It sort of built to a finale.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05She was literally like...
0:16:05 > 0:16:06HE MIMICS SNORING, BREAKING WIND
0:16:06 > 0:16:08HE TALKS GIBBERISH
0:16:11 > 0:16:14HE MIMICS RAPID-FIRE BREAKING OF WIND
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Then one big one at the end. She woke herself up! "Agh!
0:16:18 > 0:16:20"My God. Michael.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22"There was a bang, what was that bang?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24"I heard a really big bang.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28"Why's the TV on so loud? Why's this pillow on my face?
0:16:28 > 0:16:29"What's been going on?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33"Why is the window open? Talk to me.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37"What time is it? What's the lamp doing on the floor?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39"There was a bang.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I love telling this, because I literally look into the audience
0:16:44 > 0:16:46and I see men pissing themselves laughing,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48and just the occasional woman sitting there going,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"I'm not exactly sure what you're laughing at."
0:16:55 > 0:16:58So, this happens last year, one of these big sleeps,
0:16:58 > 0:16:59and my wife's been sleeping funny all night.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01And she wakes up and she cricks her neck.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04And she's, like, Michael, "I must have slept funny, are you there?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06"I've slept really funny. I've got a cricked neck.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08"Are you there, Michael? Wake up!"
0:17:08 > 0:17:10And I'm asleep doing all my own...
0:17:10 > 0:17:11HE MIMICS SNORING, BREAKING WIND
0:17:11 > 0:17:14And the shock of her hitting me and my general lack of fitness
0:17:14 > 0:17:17at the time meant that I woke up... "Crack." ..and I crick my own neck.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I'm now stuck in this position.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I'm, like, "Shit, ow, I think I've cricked my neck,
0:17:22 > 0:17:25"I must have slept funny. Are you there, darling? Are you there?"
0:17:25 > 0:17:27"Come round." She's like, "Don't take the piss."
0:17:27 > 0:17:29"Come round. I'm not taking the piss.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31"But I've cricked my neck!" "But I've cricked MY neck."
0:17:31 > 0:17:34So we had this really weird sort of half-awake argument,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36which actually turned quite nasty at one point.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37She is, like, "Say that to my face."
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"I wish I could, I've got no way of doing that right now."
0:17:40 > 0:17:42So, of course, I was the one to cave in.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43I got out of the bed slowly...
0:17:45 > 0:17:46..made my way around.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52It took me a while to locate her.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"Hello? Hello, darling, are you OK?"
0:17:54 > 0:17:56"Michael, if you're taking the piss out of me,
0:17:56 > 0:17:58"I will divorce you, do you understand?"
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It was this really weird day
0:18:00 > 0:18:02where I was literally stuck in this position,
0:18:02 > 0:18:03she was stuck in that position.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06We should never have driven the children to school.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I think this just shows how desperate
0:18:08 > 0:18:10you are to get your kids to school.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12We should have walked or got a taxi, but literally,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14the kids are in the back, obviously,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I went sort of side-saddle in the passenger seat.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19My wife was even worse, she's just looking at the house.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21"Well, everything's fine at home, shall we head off slowly?"
0:18:21 > 0:18:22And I directed her.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25It was going fine until we got to the roundabout
0:18:25 > 0:18:28where we literally just risked it. We just sailed in...
0:18:28 > 0:18:29"ARGHHH!"
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Until I saw the turning. "Left, now, left, now!"
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Crossing the road was fun because I had to go this
0:18:38 > 0:18:40until I reached halfway, and then turned.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45With her doing exactly the opposite. It was like it was choreographed.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47The other parents were like,
0:18:47 > 0:18:48"They've got a lot of time on their hands.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50"Synchronised dropping off the kids to school.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53"How creepy." When we were picking up the kids, I was like this,
0:18:53 > 0:18:55my wife's like that,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57people are walking past going, "Wow, they've had a row."
0:18:59 > 0:19:02But my best news, physically, which I'd like to share with you,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05ladies and gentlemen, is that I can walk properly now.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09OK? I walk heel-to-toe, which is the recommended way to walk.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I'm hamming it up slightly. CHEERING
0:19:11 > 0:19:13You seem very impressed. That's how you're supposed to walk,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15that's how you walk - heel-to-toe,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17it's not something that comes naturally to me.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I actually walk on my toes naturally,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21but I now have something called corrective shoes.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Very sexy(!)
0:19:23 > 0:19:26And they force me to be a normal person like you.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I'll show you, they're called orthotics, they're in my shoes,
0:19:28 > 0:19:33and they basically, they're shaped to push my feet to behave normal,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36heel-to-toe. Because without them, I revert, I'll show you.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I've got these little, flat feet, and I walk as if I'm falling.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41That's my natural walk.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Completely on my toes.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Like I'm being pushed at the beginning of the day.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47"See you later. Oh, am I off? Thanks, darling.
0:19:47 > 0:19:52"I'll be home at about 5:30 if I can find a route back to you."
0:19:52 > 0:19:55You'll have seen on my other DVDs, I can't stop myself,
0:19:55 > 0:19:56I'm literally just...
0:19:58 > 0:19:59And I run on my toes as well.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I run up. This is my natural run.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03This is how I feel most comfortable.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Please, don't laugh, because people have laughed...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08CHEERING
0:20:08 > 0:20:09..at my proper run. I run up.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Because you're supposed to run on your heels and toes,
0:20:13 > 0:20:15but...my feet won't do it.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19I've tried my whole life to be like you, but it just doesn't...
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I can't get it going.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26It just feels so unnatural to run like that.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28And how do you get any speed, anyway?
0:20:32 > 0:20:36I don't get it. I mean, why don't you just fucking run?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39HE SIGHS
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I know what you're thinking, you're thinking,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43"Why don't you just run on your toes and walk on your toes?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45"Be the man you were born to be.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46"You don't have to conform to the masses."
0:20:46 > 0:20:48But the thing is, I do,
0:20:48 > 0:20:50because when you're on your toes all the time,
0:20:50 > 0:20:54I had terrible pain in my calf muscles. And also, they've ballooned
0:20:54 > 0:20:58to a quite unhealthy sort of monster level.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59I'm going to show you what I've done.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02But seriously, this will frighten some of you.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04You'll be pleased at your seats
0:21:04 > 0:21:07when I show you the monster that I have become.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I literally have the biggest calves you've ever seen.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15I mean, to put it in perspective, they're the size of a shoe!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Look at this.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Yes, don't zoom in, that's just taking the piss, isn't it?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25You can see what I've done, look.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28That's what's happened.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30When you're on your toes...
0:21:30 > 0:21:31HE GIGGLES
0:21:31 > 0:21:34It's like someone's trying to get out.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36HIGH-PITCHED: "Help...me..."
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Because I've actually got quite little thighs.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Don't worry, I'm not going to take my trousers off.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Cos I don't really use my thighs.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I was on holiday in the summer, and I was in my shorts by the pool,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50and there was this kid and his mum, and he said,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53"Mummy, why is that man's legs on upside-down?"
0:21:53 > 0:21:56That's rude. I chased him round the pool.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58"Say that to my face, you little shit."
0:22:00 > 0:22:03People started laughing at my run. "I know how to run, you wankers!"
0:22:07 > 0:22:10So, I got sent off to the clinic, the orthotics clinic,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12where they analysed my walking and they prescribed these things.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I've got to tell you, one of the funniest places I've never been,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17because everybody in there was like me.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20They're all my peeps. They all needed walking correcting.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Nobody could walk in there. So I came in with my flat foot.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25My wife gave me a push from the car.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29"Oh, I'm going in now, OK." Hello, I'm here for my 11:30."
0:22:29 > 0:22:31"Do take a seat. You'll be in shortly."
0:22:31 > 0:22:33"Thank you." I went to take a seat.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35The next guy came in, - I'm not exaggerating -
0:22:35 > 0:22:36it was like he was ice skating.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I literally, I don't even know how he was walking forward.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42His legs were thrusting left and right, but not forward.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45It was like he was doing everything. Like he kept changing his mind.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48"Is it that way or that way? I've no idea."
0:22:48 > 0:22:50He might as well have just put his hands behind his back
0:22:50 > 0:22:52and just gone the whole hog.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56"I'm here for my 11:45, I set off on foot at 6am."
0:22:57 > 0:23:00"Take a seat, please." "Is it all the way over there? Very annoying.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03"Shit, I've kicked you, I do that, I'm sorry.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07"It's one of the reasons I'm here." This guy came out before us,
0:23:07 > 0:23:11who'd been seen. And he had this amazing sort of rolling hip,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13sort of all pelvis,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15like he was listening to music that you couldn't hear.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17It was actually pretty cool.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20But this guy had come out. He was in his orthotics.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21He had been fixed.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26God only knows the state of the man as he came to pick them up.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28"Hello, I'm here to pick up my orthotics."
0:23:28 > 0:23:31"Thank you. It's better, I wouldn't say it was perfect, but it's good.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"It's a step in the right direction."
0:23:34 > 0:23:38"Which is more than you can do, I saw you come in, sorry about that."
0:23:38 > 0:23:41I would have loved to have seen us all walking together.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43If somebody came in and said, "Traffic warden outside.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46"Oh, shit, mine's the Vauxhall Astra, I'm never going to make it."
0:23:46 > 0:23:49"I'm coming, I'll sort you out, don't worry about that."
0:23:50 > 0:23:53"Did somebody say traffic warden? Here I come.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55"I'm faster without these. Come on!"
0:23:58 > 0:24:02So now I'm back, I'm 100%, I'm heel-to-toe, I'm thrilled.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05My calves are actually getting a little smaller.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I've got my shoes on like that, so as not to waste time.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10BREATHLESS: And I...
0:24:10 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER
0:24:12 > 0:24:14This happened the other night. I've got this slightly tight suit.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22All right. We're nearly there...
0:24:25 > 0:24:27LAUGHING: This one's... Fuck.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32I've made it worse!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38You're sitting there watching me do this on the screen.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I wonder if you'll help me, please.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I can't do the show. Can you just pull it down? Would you mind?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Don't pull me off the stage.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I thought maybe your husband would help.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Look at him, he's a... I'm sorry, do you mind?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Sorry. I do have a show to do.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Literally 15,000 people waiting, if you don't mind.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Why didn't you do it? You're so strong.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01She's a doctor, apparently.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04LAUGHTER
0:25:04 > 0:25:05She's a doctor!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Thank you so much. Doctor... Thank you, doctor.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Stu, you should have done that. He's sitting going, "She's a doctor."
0:25:19 > 0:25:21You can't use that as every excuse.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23"Darling, get the bags from the car."
0:25:23 > 0:25:25"You're the doctor. I'll be inside."
0:25:29 > 0:25:30So I can walk properly now,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32it's not to say walking isn't without incident.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34I was telling a story the other day and I remembered this.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37A very odd walking occurrence. Probably the weirdest in my life.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38I don't think this happened to anybody
0:25:38 > 0:25:40apart from me and this other person.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Certainly nobody in here. You know when you're walking along
0:25:42 > 0:25:44and you sometimes walk next to a stranger,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46you don't know them, but you find yourself
0:25:46 > 0:25:48walking in the same direction alongside them?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50You know. Same speed and everything.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52And then you realise, and they realise,
0:25:52 > 0:25:54so you slow down, speed up, you separate,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56you don't spend the rest of the day with them.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Right? It must have been about ten years ago.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00And there was a stranger,
0:26:00 > 0:26:01a Japanese businessman, and he's walking,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I'm oblivious to him, he's very much oblivious to me,
0:26:04 > 0:26:06because I'm behind him.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09And I'm sort of catching up to him, and you know as you walk,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12your arms swing, you have a natural sort of arm swing, like that?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14So, I'm catching up to him, and just as I'm catching up to him,
0:26:14 > 0:26:19my right hand was on the upswing, like this, slow motion.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22And the left hand of this Japanese businessman was on the downswing.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26And our hands not only met in the street,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29but interlocked with perfect precision.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31And that's not even an easy thing to do with yourself.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Actually quite difficult. And you would think that
0:26:33 > 0:26:36when that happens you would immediately pull away and go,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38"That's really creepy, I'm sorry."
0:26:38 > 0:26:40But our brains couldn't compute just how odd this moment was.
0:26:40 > 0:26:46And we held on. We clutched for two or three of the most awkward strides
0:26:46 > 0:26:48of my entire life. I'm literally walking along the street,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51and suddenly I'm holding hands with a Japanese businessman.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I'll never forget his face.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54He was, like...
0:26:54 > 0:26:57ORIENTAL ACCENT: .."Who the fuck are you?!
0:26:57 > 0:27:00"What are you doing holding my hand?!
0:27:00 > 0:27:01"I don't know you!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06He must have seen me on TV over the years.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11"This is the guy! He held my hand in the road!"
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I don't know what happened to him.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15But I've got to tell you, these shoes,
0:27:15 > 0:27:17they've slowed me down a little bit.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20My old walk was faster, heel-to-toe, it's quite leisurely,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22because sometimes you need to walk fast,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25because you're not allowed to run in some social situations,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27but you need to be going as fast as you can.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Like, when I came back from holiday recently, you're racing.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31When the plane lands, you're racing.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Everybody on the plane, to get to the bags.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35It's a race but it's not acknowledged.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Nobody acknowledges it's a race but there are passengers
0:27:38 > 0:27:40who become competitors as soon as the seat belt sign is on.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41The captain might as well go,
0:27:41 > 0:27:45"Welcome to London Heathrow, on your marks, get set, go!"
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Sometimes you politely let people off into the aisle.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52"After you, no, please, after you." But you're eyeballing them,
0:27:52 > 0:27:54"I'll get you in the tunnel, dickhead."
0:27:55 > 0:27:56"This lead that I just gave you,
0:27:56 > 0:27:58"I'll be reclaiming that in the funnel
0:27:58 > 0:28:00"before we even reach the tunnel."
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Because as soon as you get out, you've got your bags,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05you start jockeying for position, overtaking.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Sometimes they respond, but they never look over.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09They never acknowledge there's a race.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11They speed up. "No, you bloody don't."
0:28:11 > 0:28:13But they never will acknowledge that it's a race.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15I know exactly what's going on here.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18People's children. "I need to pee!" "There's no way we can pee,
0:28:18 > 0:28:21"we're in fourth place, piss your pants, we could win this, come on."
0:28:24 > 0:28:27I like it when you get to the moving floor, you know, the travelator?
0:28:27 > 0:28:30When you step on and suddenly you're moving at twice the speed.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Because right next to the moving floor is a non-moving floor option.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Which I think we can just call "floor" now that I think of it.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39"Floor."
0:28:39 > 0:28:42And most normal people take the moving floor option
0:28:42 > 0:28:44because the bloody floor is moving!
0:28:44 > 0:28:46But some people, you know who you are, you decide,
0:28:46 > 0:28:50for some reason, you can beat all of the people on the moving floor.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53And you realise your mistake quite early and have to justify it
0:28:53 > 0:28:57by bringing out the fastest walk you've ever even attempted.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59"I'm justified to take the non-moving floor.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01"I will beat all of you.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03But you can't. People on the moving floor are just like,
0:29:03 > 0:29:08"You're never going to beat me. I'm on a moving floor, dickhead."
0:29:08 > 0:29:10It doesn't matter how well you do in the race,
0:29:10 > 0:29:13there's only one actual winner of the race, as we all know,
0:29:13 > 0:29:16and that's the elderly on the back of the buggy.
0:29:16 > 0:29:20And don't they love their little moment as they come beeping past?
0:29:20 > 0:29:22"Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep!"
0:29:26 > 0:29:28But then you've got to get through customs.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30And let's be honest, that slows you down.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32It doesn't matter if you've done very well out of your plane,
0:29:32 > 0:29:35because lots of other planes are arriving at the same time.
0:29:35 > 0:29:36And then when you've got to do the passport,
0:29:36 > 0:29:38that's when it can be big queues regardless
0:29:38 > 0:29:40of how well you've done in your initial race.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42That's where they have the big ropes.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46The big zigzag rope system, to accommodate all the people.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49Right? And sometimes you get that and there are no people.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51You can't believe it. It's amazing.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53It's just like, "Oh, this is the holy grail!
0:29:53 > 0:29:56"It's just empty ropes and people waiting for their passports.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58"We're going to be out of here in no time."
0:29:58 > 0:30:01I don't know how other nationalities deal with this situation.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03I presume that Americans just hurdle the ropes.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06"Yee-hah!" "Yee-hah!"
0:30:06 > 0:30:08"Pass me the kids, honey!" "Whoo!"
0:30:08 > 0:30:11"Whoo!" "Yee-hah!"
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Germans, probably, "Unhook ze rope," family comes through,
0:30:14 > 0:30:15"then rehooks ze rope on ze other side."
0:30:15 > 0:30:18"Unhook ze next rope, family, come on through,
0:30:18 > 0:30:21"and now I shall rehook ze rope on the other side!"
0:30:21 > 0:30:24"Unhook ze following rope, family comes through."
0:30:24 > 0:30:28Brazilians probably do limbo under the rope.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31British people, it doesn't even cross their minds.
0:30:31 > 0:30:35We just look at the ropes, and off we go.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07Pause for an American - "Yee-hah!"
0:31:07 > 0:31:09You can shake the passport guy's hand.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11You've still got a 45-minute walk ahead of you.
0:31:11 > 0:31:16They don't check your passports. They know you're British by the way you handle the rope system.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20"Put that passport away, sir. Come on through. Welcome home."
0:31:22 > 0:31:24"Baggage reclaim 4. Hope you had a great hol."
0:31:24 > 0:31:29I think it's amazing how British people are so obedient of the rope system.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32I feel we should have them up and about in life to force people into exercise.
0:31:32 > 0:31:37Those problems in this country with obesity and lack of
0:31:37 > 0:31:40exercise - let's have rope systems people just find themselves in.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42As it stands, you can just go to the supermarket.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44You go to the cake aisle and put cake in your trolley,
0:31:44 > 0:31:45and chocolate biscuits,
0:31:45 > 0:31:48and profiteroles, and doughnuts, and cheese.
0:31:48 > 0:31:52What I'm suggesting is, just as you're reaching for the doughnuts,
0:31:52 > 0:31:55there's a little rope system that you find yourself... "What?!"
0:31:55 > 0:31:57"I wanted the doughnuts!
0:31:59 > 0:32:01"Where am I going?"
0:32:01 > 0:32:03"You're going to the park, fatty!"
0:32:05 > 0:32:07"Those doughnuts are eight miles from you.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09"You'll get them when you deserve them."
0:32:11 > 0:32:13I don't even go to the supermarket any more.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15I think this is why I've put on so much weight.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17I just order food on my laptop.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19Online, you know? They just deliver it.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21You just keep clicking food. "I want that, that looks yummy.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23"Put it in my basket, bring it to me and I will eat it!"
0:32:23 > 0:32:26"I don't know how to change the amount. I don't care. I'll eat them all!"
0:32:26 > 0:32:28Click a time slot and they come round.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30Open the door, they're on the doorstep with all the bags.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33Then they're like, "Would you like me to bring it in?"
0:32:33 > 0:32:34I'm like, "Ideally, I want you to feed me.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37"Shovel it in my mouth! Then take the bags for recycling."
0:32:37 > 0:32:41Although at least when you don't go to the supermarket, you don't eat on the way round.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43That's always very depressing. You know, I'm just so greedy.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47We've all done this. You haven't even bought it yet, but you start consuming it.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49Then you've got that horrible moment of confession at the till.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51You just have to present wrappers.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54"I'm so sorry, I had this. I've got the wrapper.
0:32:54 > 0:32:55"Can you get the information required,
0:32:55 > 0:32:58"and I'll pay you back, because it's in my tummy?
0:32:58 > 0:33:02"I appear to have had this lasagne. It was frozen.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05And I get sick. "It just looked so yummy on the photo!"
0:33:05 > 0:33:07"Would you like a bag, sir?"
0:33:07 > 0:33:11"I just need a bin. I've eaten it all. It's in my tummy."
0:33:11 > 0:33:14You don't do that in any other shop.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17In a shop, in a clothes shop, wearing everything.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20"Scan me! I'm double parked, I've got to get out of here." Beep, beep, beep!
0:33:22 > 0:33:23My wife shops at Waitrose.
0:33:23 > 0:33:27People who shop at Waitrose just love shopping at Waitrose.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30WHOOPING People are whooping Waitrose.
0:33:30 > 0:33:34What a moment to reveal just how middle-class you are.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36The middle classes DIG Waitrose.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38They love telling people about it because they're basically saying
0:33:38 > 0:33:40they can afford it. "I shop at Waitrose!"
0:33:40 > 0:33:43They just drop it into conversation. "I've got to stop off at WAITROSE!
0:33:43 > 0:33:45"So I'll see you later, I'm going to WAITROSE.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48"Just so you all know, I can afford WAITROSE!"
0:33:48 > 0:33:51They sell all the same stuff as other supermarkets.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53They just charge more for it and people enjoy going there.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55There are no deals. That's what frustrates you.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57Every other supermarket has deals.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00Like, buy-one-get-one-free exists in every other supermarket but not in Waitrose.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03In Waitrose, it's, "Buy one, and you're perfectly welcome to buy another one,
0:34:03 > 0:34:05"but it'll cost you the same as the first,
0:34:05 > 0:34:08"but about ten times more than any other supermarket."
0:34:08 > 0:34:11"Do come in." "Don't mind if I do! WAITROSE!"
0:34:11 > 0:34:16I've never seen anybody in the Waitrose car park return the trolley for the pound.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19It is simply not worth it to them.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21They unload the bags into the back of the Range Rover.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24They think about it, they try to get the pound.
0:34:24 > 0:34:25"Oh, no, the pound, it's stuck. It's stuck.
0:34:25 > 0:34:29"I've got to go all the way over there to the trolley chain for a pound.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32"Well, that's not exactly worth it after I've spent all this on my shopping."
0:34:33 > 0:34:35And then they do the sort of push away.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37They just go...
0:34:37 > 0:34:38"Fuck off."
0:34:40 > 0:34:42It's the Waitrose posh push!
0:34:42 > 0:34:44"Fuck off."
0:34:46 > 0:34:49And the trolley sort of rolls away,
0:34:49 > 0:34:53and then careers into another Range Rover for another posh person.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55"What the - fuck off! - is that doing there?"
0:34:57 > 0:35:00There's normally someone from Aldi in the bushes. "I'll have that!"
0:35:04 > 0:35:06"Get my week's shopping done on that quid, you idiot.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09"It's all the same shit you just bought, darling. Half the price."
0:35:12 > 0:35:15They've got Waitrose and Marks & Spencer's now
0:35:15 > 0:35:18in the motorway services. It's like, this is good news for me
0:35:18 > 0:35:19because this is where I live my life.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22Some of the entertainment options are a little bit peculiar.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25I mean, what about those massage chairs?!
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Who goes on those? Those big leather massage chairs, in the daylight,
0:35:28 > 0:35:32in the middle of the services. I've never seen a trucker sitting on that
0:35:32 > 0:35:36going, "Yeah, after a few hours on Britain's uneven roads,
0:35:36 > 0:35:38"this is-is-is exactly what I require.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40"Oh, look, there's a shiatsu option.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43"Cancel the spa break, darling, it's like a holiday."
0:35:45 > 0:35:47I saw one the other day that was outside the loos.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50People were coming out sort of splashing their washed hands.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53"Oh, hydrotherapy - I'm getting more than I bargained for here!"
0:35:55 > 0:35:57But those loos, seriously, in the services,
0:35:57 > 0:35:59are the most depressing place that I have to go in my life.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02I can't stand it, when you've got to actually go into the cubicle.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05Because I never just open doors or anything, I always spend a bit of time.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07There's always, like, a long line of doors.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11I spend a bit of time trying to work out which one I want to open, which one feels lucky, you know?
0:36:11 > 0:36:16Because you don't want to open it and see something that you don't want to see. Understand?
0:36:16 > 0:36:21It's like the most unimaginably awful episode of Deal Or No Deal.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24In Deal Or No Deal, if you win, you get £250,000.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27In this motorway services loo selection version,
0:36:27 > 0:36:29a win is just clean.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Just clean!
0:36:31 > 0:36:34You open the door, it's like, "Oh, I won!
0:36:34 > 0:36:35It's clean.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37There's a loo seat and a lock.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40It's beautiful, there's lots of loo roll.
0:36:40 > 0:36:41Deal!
0:36:43 > 0:36:46But we've all had that equivalent of the 1p box.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48When you open the door
0:36:48 > 0:36:54and you're like, "Oh, it's a full house...of depravity."
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Overflowing, unflushed loo.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59No loo roll, no loo seat.
0:36:59 > 0:37:00Piss all over the floor.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Obscenities written on the wall. No lock on the door.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04I was in one the other day.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06I opened the door, it was exactly the situation.
0:37:06 > 0:37:07As I walked in, there was a sign that said,
0:37:07 > 0:37:10"These loos were last checked and cleaned at 2:30."
0:37:10 > 0:37:12I looked at my watch, it was 2:42.
0:37:13 > 0:37:17THIS had happened in the last 12 minutes!
0:37:18 > 0:37:22What kind of MONSTER had been in there?
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Who in their right mind goes in and fills up the whole loo,
0:37:24 > 0:37:26and then thinks, "I'm going to need all this.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28"Oh, there's a fresh loo roll, good.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30"I'm going to need every single bit to deal with this situation!
0:37:30 > 0:37:33"Whilst I was pissing on the floor, I forgot to piss.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35"Might as well fill that in all around there - that looks nice."
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Writing obscenities on the wall.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Then rips off the loo seat,
0:37:39 > 0:37:41kicks off the lock and carries on with their life!
0:37:43 > 0:37:44They could still be on the premises!
0:37:46 > 0:37:48"Oh, that massage chair really got me going."
0:37:48 > 0:37:49I don't understand.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52And I don't understand where all the loo seats are.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54You ask yourself these questions -
0:37:54 > 0:37:56so many times in my life I've got into a public loo,
0:37:56 > 0:37:57you open the door and there is no loo seat.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59You just go, "Oh, there's no seat in that one.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02"What about that one? Oh, there's no seat in that one.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04"Oh, this one's got a seat. Yeah, I'll go in there."
0:38:04 > 0:38:08Back up. Where are the seats? Who are you?
0:38:08 > 0:38:09Where are they going?
0:38:09 > 0:38:12Who in their right mind finishes on the loo and just thinks,
0:38:12 > 0:38:16"That would look quite nice at home. Does that just screw off, does it?"
0:38:16 > 0:38:20I've never seen anybody running through the services' car park
0:38:20 > 0:38:21with a loo seat on their head.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24"Don't ask, just drive. Look what Daddy got.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26"And I got all the loo roll."
0:38:27 > 0:38:29The doors, I don't understand as well.
0:38:29 > 0:38:30Of all the doors in the world,
0:38:30 > 0:38:32and there are a lot of doors in the world,
0:38:32 > 0:38:36don't you think that the doors of a place where you are on the loo in
0:38:36 > 0:38:39public should fill the space around you and give you maximum privacy?
0:38:39 > 0:38:41These are the smallest doors in the world.
0:38:41 > 0:38:42They literally don't even...
0:38:42 > 0:38:45They sort of start from here, then they don't even go to the edges.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48I was sitting on the loo the other day. I could see right through.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51Just someone at the hand-dryer., just staring at me.
0:38:54 > 0:38:55They're like cowboy doors.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58They sort of go from... Why do they start here? I don't understand.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01Why do people want to see the shitting feet of strangers?
0:39:01 > 0:39:02Is that important to you? They come in,
0:39:02 > 0:39:04"Oh, look. Some shitting feet. Shitting feet there.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07"I feel great here, I know exactly what I'm supposed to do."
0:39:07 > 0:39:08I don't understand it!
0:39:08 > 0:39:12They sort of start here and they go sort of to here.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14No, not to here. They go above your head.
0:39:14 > 0:39:19That would be even worse. I suppose we need to be grateful for that.
0:39:19 > 0:39:20Can you imagine?
0:39:27 > 0:39:31"Are you going to be long, mate?" "A couple of minutes, I'd say."
0:39:31 > 0:39:35They do. They do cut off your head.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38But it goes all the way round. You can even see it in the next one.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41The other day, there was a newspaper in my bit and I thought,
0:39:41 > 0:39:43"That's going to be mine. I'm going to read that."
0:39:43 > 0:39:46And I just reached for it, and a hand came under the door
0:39:46 > 0:39:50and started taking it away. "No, you bloody don't!"
0:39:50 > 0:39:53Although this is all I need to reveal now
0:39:53 > 0:39:54for people to recognise me.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57"I know those calves - it's Mr McIntyre, isn't it?"
0:39:57 > 0:39:58Can I get a selfie?"
0:40:02 > 0:40:03But obviously you have to go.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06If you need to go, you've got to pull over. That's my life.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Children, of course, don't tolerate that.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10When the children need to go to the loo and we're in the car,
0:40:10 > 0:40:11I always say the same thing.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13"You should've thought of that before."
0:40:13 > 0:40:15"You should've thought of that before."
0:40:15 > 0:40:17I say that because I've heard other parents say it.
0:40:17 > 0:40:21But it's a very unreasonable request if you actually think it through.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23People don't pre-plan when they need to go to the loo.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26They just need to go to the loo. ADULTS don't think of it before.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28But apparently children have to think of it before.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30I think it would be quite creepy if they did.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32"Before we set off, Daddy, I'd just like to point out
0:40:32 > 0:40:35"that I did have two apple juices with my breakfast.
0:40:35 > 0:40:36"And with my usual rate of digestion,
0:40:36 > 0:40:39"I'd say I'll be needing a pee between 40 and 45 minutes.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42"If you maintain this speed or between 70-75 mph,
0:40:42 > 0:40:44"then speed equals distance over time
0:40:44 > 0:40:50"and, according to this map, we'll be between junctions 14 and 17 of the M4 when I'm desperate for a pee.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53"So I'm going to pee now in advance of setting off so as not to annoy you."
0:40:53 > 0:40:55"You're a freak. I don't even think I want you in the car."
0:40:57 > 0:40:59Don't think of it before!
0:40:59 > 0:41:00But my children are doing very well.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02They're ten and seven. They're amazing,
0:41:02 > 0:41:04and I have to say, all respect to my wife,
0:41:04 > 0:41:07who's doing an incredible, patient job of raising them.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10I don't know how she does it. Because I can't do it. I had to babysit the other night.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13I lose it very quickly. But it's not like my wife isn't without limits.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16She has this thing - all women have this - she has a thing called a tether.
0:41:16 > 0:41:17Now, I don't know what a tether is.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19Men aren't allowed to know what a tether is.
0:41:19 > 0:41:23All we know is that women will find themselves somewhere along the tether at any time of the day.
0:41:23 > 0:41:27But we're not allowed any information as to where she is located upon it.
0:41:27 > 0:41:28There's no tether monitor.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30There's no updates. She doesn't update us.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32No women update us on where they are on the tether.
0:41:32 > 0:41:35The first we learn of where they are on the tether
0:41:35 > 0:41:37is when they reach the END of the tether.
0:41:39 > 0:41:41And this can literally happen at any time, out of the blue.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44This happened the other day. I opened the fridge and it was empty.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47I was like, "Darling, there's nothing in the fridge."
0:41:47 > 0:41:49She just mimicked me. "Is there nothing in the fridge?!"
0:41:49 > 0:41:51"I was just wondering what was for dinner."
0:41:51 > 0:41:53"Whatever the fuck you want, Michael."
0:41:55 > 0:41:57I think I know what's happened here.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00"You've reached the end of your tether, haven't you?
0:42:00 > 0:42:03"I didn't even know you were in the danger zone, darling.
0:42:03 > 0:42:04"You should have warned me."
0:42:06 > 0:42:09I took my wife out the other night for a date night.
0:42:09 > 0:42:10This is a great way to get her down
0:42:10 > 0:42:13to the more desirable place along the tether.
0:42:13 > 0:42:16Great for tether readjustment, date night.
0:42:16 > 0:42:20Of course, I ruined it. I took her to this really expensive restaurant and it just really wound me up.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22They did this thing I've never seen before.
0:42:22 > 0:42:25They gave me a menu, a normal menu with the food and the prices.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27Then they gave her a menu with just the food. No prices.
0:42:27 > 0:42:31So we had a very different experience in this restaurant.
0:42:31 > 0:42:33She was like, "Oh, the lobster looks good."
0:42:33 > 0:42:35I'm like, "No, it doesn't. It looks awful!"
0:42:35 > 0:42:38"I think the green beans as a side order to share looks rather yummy."
0:42:38 > 0:42:41She said, "I wonder what the catch of the day is."
0:42:41 > 0:42:43"It's £45 and you're not having it, OK?"
0:42:45 > 0:42:47I actually called the waiter over.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49I'm like, "Sorry, £45 for the catch of the day?
0:42:49 > 0:42:51"What is it you've caught?
0:42:51 > 0:42:53"Because if it's not a mermaid, you're overcharging.
0:42:53 > 0:42:54"Do you understand?"
0:42:57 > 0:43:01But the best news for my wife's tether position and my whole family,
0:43:01 > 0:43:04in fact, is that we've moved to the country.
0:43:04 > 0:43:06It's been my wife's dream to have a place in the country.
0:43:06 > 0:43:10It became my dream when she told me about it every day for 15 years.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12So we've finally done it, this beautiful place in the country.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14And I'm readjusting to country life.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16There are things I didn't know about.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18I mean, I'm a Londoner, I've lived here my whole life.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20Things like plumbing. Never knew about plumbing.
0:43:20 > 0:43:22You don't think about plumbing in London.
0:43:22 > 0:43:24you just flush the loo and don't really care what goes on.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26I wash my hands and carry on with my life.
0:43:26 > 0:43:28But now I've bought a house, and there's no plumbing to it.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30Didn't know that when I bought it.
0:43:30 > 0:43:33There's a tank next to the house and everything from the loo goes into the tank.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36It's called a septic tank and it gets changed once a year.
0:43:36 > 0:43:38Tell me, honestly, is that living the dream, would you say?
0:43:38 > 0:43:40You know when you buy a house and people are like,
0:43:40 > 0:43:43"Oh, the previous owners left all their shit behind"?
0:43:43 > 0:43:45That is exactly the situation I'm in!
0:43:46 > 0:43:48I've got a shit tank next to my house!
0:43:50 > 0:43:52So, I have to be honest with you,
0:43:52 > 0:43:54being here is such a pleasure for me, you know?
0:43:54 > 0:43:56I'm a little bit upset it's my last time.
0:43:56 > 0:43:59But it really is, honestly, so much fun playing to you here.
0:43:59 > 0:44:01CHEERING
0:44:01 > 0:44:04Because I've been...all around the country building up to here.
0:44:04 > 0:44:06And I've been going abroad as well.
0:44:06 > 0:44:09That's nice, I didn't know that people knew me abroad.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11I didn't know if they had YouTube, or something.
0:44:11 > 0:44:13I don't know, the show was sold there.
0:44:13 > 0:44:14But I started getting these phone calls,
0:44:14 > 0:44:16and I went to Norway, and I went to...
0:44:16 > 0:44:18IN SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: South Africa.
0:44:18 > 0:44:20I got invited to go to South Africa. I'm sorry to do the accent,
0:44:20 > 0:44:22but it's just too fun not to do, you know?
0:44:22 > 0:44:25If you've got a little bit of time on your hands,
0:44:25 > 0:44:28just talk to yourself in a South African accent, like this!
0:44:28 > 0:44:32And if you don't know how to do it, just make sure that every syllable
0:44:32 > 0:44:37that you say has nothing to do with the syllable directly before it, OK?
0:44:38 > 0:44:40So I went to South Africa, and they invited me
0:44:40 > 0:44:42to go to Cape Town and Johannesburg. And I kept telling people,
0:44:42 > 0:44:45I'm going to Cape Town and Johannesburg to do comedy.
0:44:45 > 0:44:47They'd always say the same thing - "You're going to love Cape Town."
0:44:47 > 0:44:49I'd go, "What about Johannesburg?"
0:44:49 > 0:44:51And they told me, almost to a man, that they knew somebody
0:44:51 > 0:44:54or knew somebody who knew somebody who was shot in Johannesburg.
0:44:54 > 0:44:57I looked it up online. Big mistake - it's murder capital of the world.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59More people are shot in Johannesburg than anywhere else.
0:44:59 > 0:45:01I tried to pull out. I called the office and said,
0:45:01 > 0:45:04"Can I not do the Johannesburg one and just do Cape Town?"
0:45:04 > 0:45:07They said, "Too late. You've sold the tickets, you've got to go."
0:45:07 > 0:45:09"You're overreacting. It's a lovely venue. Look it up online."
0:45:09 > 0:45:13So rather than going on the website, modern day, I went on Google Street View.
0:45:13 > 0:45:14You know when there's that green man,
0:45:14 > 0:45:16and you pick him up, and you drag him?
0:45:18 > 0:45:20Then you drop him on the road, and that road comes up
0:45:20 > 0:45:23because they photographed all the roads in the world.
0:45:23 > 0:45:26So I dropped him outside the venue in Johannesburg to see what it looked like.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29And HE got shot. That's when I knew...
0:45:30 > 0:45:31..it wasn't such a good idea.
0:45:31 > 0:45:34I also went to Australia. I went to 'Stralia, yeah.
0:45:34 > 0:45:36Don't know if there's any Aussies in tonight,
0:45:36 > 0:45:38but I went all the way to 'Stralia to do some shows.
0:45:38 > 0:45:41The Aussies who live over here, they're kind of wild, you know?
0:45:41 > 0:45:42Because they've come a long way.
0:45:42 > 0:45:44They're like, "I'm going to make the most of it.
0:45:44 > 0:45:46"Come on, yeah! I'm in London!"
0:45:46 > 0:45:49The ones in Australia, they're the most relaxed people
0:45:49 > 0:45:50I've ever met in my entire life.
0:45:50 > 0:45:52They speak so slowly!
0:45:52 > 0:45:54"Basically, I'm in no rush whatsoever.
0:45:54 > 0:45:57"I mean, I'm miles away from everywhere on Earth.
0:45:57 > 0:46:00"What's the point of rushing?
0:46:00 > 0:46:02"I mean, we're 12 hours ahead.
0:46:02 > 0:46:04"You're never going to catch up anyway."
0:46:06 > 0:46:09Even in the airport, I've never heard less urgency.
0:46:09 > 0:46:10"Flight number two...
0:46:12 > 0:46:14.."Seven...
0:46:14 > 0:46:16"Is that a four? Would you call that a four?!"
0:46:17 > 0:46:19"Oh, that one's gone, that's my mistake.
0:46:19 > 0:46:23"Too slow, I'm afraid. That's happened again!"
0:46:23 > 0:46:25They go, "How you going?" They don't go, "How are you?"
0:46:25 > 0:46:28They go, "How you going? How you going?" I'd never heard this.
0:46:28 > 0:46:30I was checking in on an internal flight from Sydney to Adelaide.
0:46:30 > 0:46:32I was like, "I'd like to go to Adelaide, please."
0:46:32 > 0:46:34And this woman went, "How you going?"
0:46:34 > 0:46:37I was like, "Aircraft? What kind of a place is this?!"
0:46:39 > 0:46:41And I even went to Dubai, which was very good.
0:46:41 > 0:46:43I wasn't playing to locals in Dubai. I was playing to expats.
0:46:43 > 0:46:44I sold a load of tickets,
0:46:44 > 0:46:46but I think they were just getting out of the heat.
0:46:46 > 0:46:50I think it's really air conditioning that's the biggest draw in Dubai.
0:46:50 > 0:46:53Because I've been to Dubai in the summer, last summer, on holiday.
0:46:53 > 0:46:55The biggest mistake of my life. It is so hot
0:46:55 > 0:46:57that you can't actually believe they built it.
0:46:57 > 0:46:59It makes you quite angry. It's like an oven.
0:46:59 > 0:47:01You know when people go, "It's like an oven!" It is.
0:47:01 > 0:47:05The only other time I've experienced heat like this is, when you leave the oven on a long time
0:47:05 > 0:47:09and you open it and it hits you in the face, like that. And I've never at that moment thought,
0:47:09 > 0:47:12"I want to go on holiday in there."
0:47:12 > 0:47:13"What do you think, darling?
0:47:13 > 0:47:16"You, me and the kids, 280 degrees C, fan-assisted?"
0:47:16 > 0:47:19I can't tell you how hot it was.
0:47:19 > 0:47:21There was a revolving door in our hotel.
0:47:21 > 0:47:24And when I revolved out from the air conditioning into the outside of Dubai,
0:47:24 > 0:47:26I literally just revolved straight back in.
0:47:26 > 0:47:29"We cannot go out there!" I can't tell you what it was like.
0:47:29 > 0:47:34There were people going through with frozen chickens, coming round with Sunday lunches on the other side.
0:47:35 > 0:47:37If the juices run clear, then it's ready.
0:47:37 > 0:47:39"More crispy? One more revolution will do this!"
0:47:42 > 0:47:43I don't understand revolving doors.
0:47:43 > 0:47:47I think it should be illegal for strangers to get into your segment.
0:47:47 > 0:47:48There it is, I said it.
0:47:49 > 0:47:52It's hard enough when you've got in your segment
0:47:52 > 0:47:56and you're trying to make your way round in that weird sort of segment revolving door walk.
0:47:56 > 0:47:58It's the oddest thing, when a stranger slots in.
0:47:58 > 0:48:00"Whoa, there's a stranger in my segment!
0:48:00 > 0:48:05"Why doesn't he just wait a microsecond for his own segment?"
0:48:05 > 0:48:09It's very hard to walk with another person in your segment.
0:48:09 > 0:48:12I cannot believe a stranger has joined me in my segment!
0:48:12 > 0:48:13I always eyeball them.
0:48:13 > 0:48:15"I don't know you, you're a stranger!"
0:48:17 > 0:48:20"I do know you! I hold your hand once in the road.
0:48:20 > 0:48:21"Why you never remember me?
0:48:21 > 0:48:24"You not call me or nothing. You come on so strong, then you disappear!"
0:48:28 > 0:48:30But obviously, when we're on holiday in Dubai,
0:48:30 > 0:48:31very dangerous for children.
0:48:31 > 0:48:33The sun is so strong, it's very dangerous for the children.
0:48:33 > 0:48:36This is why I have to put them in the shade. That's my responsibility.
0:48:36 > 0:48:38You know, as a father. That's my responsibility.
0:48:38 > 0:48:41I'm not married to a doctor, so I have to do things myself.
0:48:43 > 0:48:45And by the pool, it's always about moving these umbrellas.
0:48:45 > 0:48:48We've got these umbrellas. They block the sun. That's what they're for.
0:48:48 > 0:48:51My wife always goes, "Can you just move the umbrella, darling,
0:48:51 > 0:48:53"get the kids in the shade?" Well, this is easier said than done.
0:48:53 > 0:48:55These umbrellas are the heaviest things in the world.
0:48:55 > 0:48:58You can't just drag it to where you want to go. Oh, no!
0:48:58 > 0:49:01The only way to move it is, you have to tilt it and twirl it,
0:49:01 > 0:49:02like this. And twirl it.
0:49:02 > 0:49:04And keep twirling it.
0:49:04 > 0:49:06And twirl it again. And twirl it.
0:49:06 > 0:49:08And then you end up where you started.
0:49:08 > 0:49:11Sometimes you have to do a series of alternate tilts and twirls
0:49:11 > 0:49:13to try and reach your destination.
0:49:13 > 0:49:15And you find yourself moving further away.
0:49:15 > 0:49:17You don't know how to get to where you're going.
0:49:17 > 0:49:18My wife's like, "Where are you going?"
0:49:18 > 0:49:21"I'm trying to get to you. Let me try and work this out!"
0:49:21 > 0:49:23I saw another dad get closer to my kids.
0:49:23 > 0:49:27"Why don't you save my children and I'll try and get round to yours?"
0:49:27 > 0:49:29And then when I was checking in,
0:49:29 > 0:49:32this bloke came through reception with an umbrella, like this.
0:49:32 > 0:49:35He was like, "I'm not even staying at this hotel."
0:49:35 > 0:49:38"I'm supposed to be in Sharm El Sheikh.
0:49:38 > 0:49:42"Tell my wife I love her. My kids must have melted by now!"
0:49:45 > 0:49:48Obviously, going on holiday, it's about getting away from the country.
0:49:48 > 0:49:50It's also about getting away from people as well.
0:49:50 > 0:49:52I want you to know that I love British people.
0:49:52 > 0:49:54I would never live anywhere but here.
0:49:54 > 0:49:56I'm one of you, I love you. But on holiday...
0:49:57 > 0:50:00..I can't really stand you. There's something about Brits.
0:50:00 > 0:50:03I'm one of them, but I just feel so much better with foreigners because
0:50:03 > 0:50:06you feel like you're away. We seem to be quite whiny, don't we,
0:50:06 > 0:50:08by the pool?
0:50:08 > 0:50:10"Dave? Da-a-ave?
0:50:10 > 0:50:13"Da-a-ave?" I'm always like, "I don't want to be on holiday with Dave."
0:50:13 > 0:50:14"Da-a-ave?
0:50:14 > 0:50:17Have you seen my other flip-flop, Da-a-ave?"
0:50:17 > 0:50:20"I dunno, love. It's your flip-flop. Where d'you last see it?"
0:50:20 > 0:50:22The other one's like, "Oh, I don't know."
0:50:22 > 0:50:25But, you know, foreigners are having exactly the same conversations.
0:50:25 > 0:50:28They just sound so much better coming from them.
0:50:28 > 0:50:31"Davido. Come la vale la flippa-floppa?"
0:50:33 > 0:50:37"Mi scusi, Maria, ma flippa-floppa, come la tutta la flippa-floppa?!"
0:50:38 > 0:50:40I'm just lying there like,
0:50:40 > 0:50:43"Oh, it's so great to be away, isn't it? Loving it."
0:50:43 > 0:50:46Even the kids. I don't want to be rude about our children.
0:50:46 > 0:50:48But foreign children - they seem to be amazing.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51They play all day. They have golden-brown tans.
0:50:51 > 0:50:56They swim like dolphins. They dive into the water, you don't even see a splash.
0:50:56 > 0:50:59They just disappear and emerge at the other side of the water.
0:50:59 > 0:51:04"Oh, Mama, Papa, la agua. Issa magnifico."
0:51:06 > 0:51:10"Oh, Mama! La flippa-floppa! Come le latte la flippa-floppa!"
0:51:11 > 0:51:14British children have so much cream on, you could see them from space.
0:51:16 > 0:51:20We LOVE basting them. We'd like to baste the kids in cream.
0:51:20 > 0:51:22All in their eyes, and their noses, and their mouth.
0:51:22 > 0:51:25"Come here!" Reluctantly, "I don't like it, I don't like it!"
0:51:25 > 0:51:27And they don't just have armbands any more.
0:51:27 > 0:51:29We like to put these flotation suits.
0:51:29 > 0:51:32They're the most buoyant things on Earth,
0:51:32 > 0:51:34bobbing around with cream in their eyes.
0:51:34 > 0:51:37And the tightest goggles. There's something about goggles
0:51:37 > 0:51:39where, once you over-tighten them, you can't reverse it.
0:51:39 > 0:51:42And they're always, "Daddy, can you get my goggles right?"
0:51:42 > 0:51:45But you can't do it. You fight with it for a while. Then you give up,
0:51:45 > 0:51:48pretend you've done it and just strap them on that tight.
0:51:48 > 0:51:50"Ow, Daddy, that really hurts!
0:51:50 > 0:51:54Ow! Ow, the cream's dripping in my eyes!" There's a bubble!
0:51:54 > 0:51:56"Go on, make a friend."
0:51:56 > 0:52:00"I can't see where the pool is!"
0:52:00 > 0:52:03Foreign kids are just smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee.
0:52:03 > 0:52:05"Bambino Inglese. Stupido!"
0:52:08 > 0:52:09Swimming is the big thing for us.
0:52:09 > 0:52:11I mean, seriously, compared to foreigners
0:52:11 > 0:52:13it's absolutely hysterical.
0:52:13 > 0:52:16I've seen what foreigners do when they're by the pool
0:52:16 > 0:52:19and they need to swim. They get hot, they get up, and they get in.
0:52:19 > 0:52:21That's the process. Hot, up, in.
0:52:21 > 0:52:24Yeah, just doing lengths. Ciao! Hot, up, in.
0:52:24 > 0:52:26That's it. Easy. It's an amazing thing.
0:52:26 > 0:52:29We can't do that in pools. We, as British people,
0:52:29 > 0:52:31need to enter into a whole process.
0:52:31 > 0:52:34First of all, we have to announce to all the British people we are with...
0:52:35 > 0:52:37.."I'm going in."
0:52:38 > 0:52:41"You going in?" "Yes, I am going in."
0:52:41 > 0:52:42"What's it like? What's it like?"
0:52:42 > 0:52:45Because going in doesn't actually mean going in.
0:52:45 > 0:52:47Going in means reviewing the temperature of the water,
0:52:47 > 0:52:49as everybody waits for the result.
0:52:49 > 0:52:50And it's always the same.
0:52:50 > 0:52:53HE GASPS "It's freezing!"
0:52:53 > 0:52:54"What's it like?" "It's freezing!"
0:52:54 > 0:52:57This is where you enter the next phase of the production.
0:52:57 > 0:52:59This is where there'll already be a British person in the pool,
0:52:59 > 0:53:01who will swim up to you and offer you some advice.
0:53:01 > 0:53:05This is actually advice you've received on every previous swim of your entire life
0:53:05 > 0:53:08and advice that you will receive on every future swim of your entire life.
0:53:08 > 0:53:11But this advice at this very key moment means nothing to you at all.
0:53:11 > 0:53:13And that is that it is "all right once you're in".
0:53:13 > 0:53:14But it means nothing!
0:53:16 > 0:53:18"It's all right, just get in."
0:53:18 > 0:53:19"It's all right once you're in."
0:53:19 > 0:53:23"It's actually quite warm in here."
0:53:25 > 0:53:28"I was like you, but look at me now!"
0:53:31 > 0:53:35But you don't believe a word of it. You give yourself maximum pain.
0:53:35 > 0:53:37You take it one step at a time.
0:53:37 > 0:53:39Some people just wait with the water around their waist,
0:53:39 > 0:53:41just complaining, trying to build the courage.
0:53:41 > 0:53:44HE PANTS PATHETICALLY
0:53:44 > 0:53:47"I don't like it. It's freezing. It's freezing!"
0:53:47 > 0:53:50Some people just launch themselves in.
0:53:50 > 0:53:52HE GASPS
0:53:52 > 0:53:54GASPS HYSTERICALLY
0:53:54 > 0:53:57It only takes about four strokes before they make their announcement.
0:53:57 > 0:53:58HE GASPS
0:53:58 > 0:54:00"It's all right once you're in."
0:54:00 > 0:54:03For fuck's sake! We all told you this.
0:54:03 > 0:54:07The very fact there are people swimming happily in the pool
0:54:07 > 0:54:09implies that it's all right once you're in.
0:54:09 > 0:54:12It's not like you're standing there going, "Oh, it's freezing,"
0:54:12 > 0:54:15and there are just blue bodies floating on the surface.
0:54:17 > 0:54:19"I don't think it is all right once you're in.
0:54:19 > 0:54:23"There are dead, blue people in the pool. Darling - dead, blue people!"
0:54:23 > 0:54:27We had this lovely man looking after us when we were on holiday in Dubai.
0:54:27 > 0:54:29Don't know where he was from. He was a tiny little person.
0:54:29 > 0:54:31He could never say my name as well.
0:54:31 > 0:54:34"Hello, Mr Macintakarey, Mr Macalakataka!"
0:54:34 > 0:54:35"McIntyre."
0:54:35 > 0:54:37"Mackintakintakareyah!"
0:54:37 > 0:54:40Macasilly-silly-mackey-yackey-mackey -yackey.
0:54:40 > 0:54:42"Hello, Mr Mackey-yackey!"
0:54:42 > 0:54:46He did this thing where he made a swan out of the towel, out of the bath towel.
0:54:46 > 0:54:48Amazing. My wife loved it.
0:54:48 > 0:54:50We came back to the room and there was a swan in the room, like that,
0:54:50 > 0:54:53made out of towels. I was like, "Oh, look what that man did.
0:54:53 > 0:54:56"He made us a beautiful, beautiful swan out of the towel."
0:54:56 > 0:54:59I use it now as an excuse when I leave my wet towels on the floor.
0:54:59 > 0:55:02"Michael, why did you leave your wet towels on the floor last night?"
0:55:02 > 0:55:03"THAT...is a platypus."
0:55:05 > 0:55:07"How dare you criticise my early work!"
0:55:09 > 0:55:12So I come out of the shower, I'm on holiday, and there's no towels.
0:55:12 > 0:55:14The kids have used all the towels. Typical.
0:55:14 > 0:55:17So I go and reach for the swan, because it is a towel, first and foremost.
0:55:17 > 0:55:19My wife goes mental. "Don't you dare touch that swan!
0:55:19 > 0:55:23"That man made that beautiful swan and you're going to ruin it now, like you ruin everything."
0:55:23 > 0:55:24I'm like, "But there are no towels."
0:55:24 > 0:55:26"OK, fine, use it. But work around it, Michael.
0:55:26 > 0:55:28"Don't ruin it. Don't spoil it."
0:55:28 > 0:55:32So I'm standing there, naked, drying myself on this swan, like this.
0:55:34 > 0:55:36And the bloody man who made it walks in.
0:55:38 > 0:55:41"Mr Mackintakarey... Shit!" "Oh!"
0:55:41 > 0:55:43It felt awful.
0:55:43 > 0:55:44When we left, I thought,
0:55:44 > 0:55:46I'm going to give him all my money that I had left,
0:55:46 > 0:55:48all the dirhams, the currency for Dubai.
0:55:48 > 0:55:49And it worked out to be 90 quid.
0:55:49 > 0:55:52I thought, I'm going to give him 90 quid. He's been charming, he deserves it.
0:55:52 > 0:55:54And as I told him, I shook his hand.
0:55:54 > 0:55:56I gave him the money and I went, "You deserve this."
0:55:56 > 0:55:57And he just rolled his eyes and walked off.
0:55:57 > 0:56:00I thought, "That's a bit rude, a bit weird."
0:56:00 > 0:56:02Felt a bit odd about it. And then of course, on the plane,
0:56:02 > 0:56:04I worked it out that I had worked out the exchange rate wrong
0:56:04 > 0:56:06and actually gave him 9p. I gave him 9p.
0:56:06 > 0:56:09I gave him and 9p and I told them he deserved it as I gave it to him.
0:56:09 > 0:56:12I think of all the people in the world, he hates me the most.
0:56:12 > 0:56:15I can only imagine him getting home to his wife.
0:56:15 > 0:56:18"I cannot believe Mr Mackintakarey! He give me 9p!
0:56:18 > 0:56:24"9p! I had to look at his upside- down, creepy legs for ten days.
0:56:24 > 0:56:26"He drugs his children, you know.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28"He would leave syringes on the floor.
0:56:28 > 0:56:31"I have to pick them up and say nothing as he drugs his children!
0:56:31 > 0:56:33"They're on the iPad 24 hours a day.
0:56:33 > 0:56:36"Mr Mackintakarey is disgustings!
0:56:36 > 0:56:40"And he fucked my swan. I hate him!"
0:56:40 > 0:56:42Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out tonight.
0:56:42 > 0:56:45Thank you very much!
0:56:47 > 0:56:50To everyone at the top, thank you so much for coming. Thank you all.
0:56:50 > 0:56:52HE SIGHS
0:56:52 > 0:56:55You're very kind.
0:56:55 > 0:56:57From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. I will see you again.
0:56:57 > 0:56:59Goodnight. Bravo!
0:56:59 > 0:57:01Whoo!
0:57:01 > 0:57:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:58:14 > 0:58:16APPLAUSE AND CHEERING