0:00:12 > 0:00:14Tonight on my Big Show -
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Alexander Armstrong plays Celebrity Send To All.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21There's comedy from the hilarious Russell Howard.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25Music from global megastars OneRepublic.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27And find out why I'm in disguise
0:00:27 > 0:00:30for this week's Unexpected Star Of The Show.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33All this and so much more.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44APPLAUSE
0:00:45 > 0:00:47MUSIC
0:00:55 > 0:00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Yay!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Sorry. I can't apologise enough.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Who calibrated that?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Hello, good evening.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Yay!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15CHEERING
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Welcome to my Big Show!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28CHEERING
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Yay!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:34 > 0:01:39And what a fantastic show we have for you tonight.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42There will of course be big stars. CHEERING
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Big laughs. CHEERING
0:01:46 > 0:01:49And even bigger surprises. CHEERING
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I have lost weight. I don't know if that's coming across.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55CHEERING
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Don't be too happy. This is a temporary situation.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01LAUGHTER
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I'm obviously going to put it all back on.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06This is what I do. I lose weight and then I eat.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I've already started eating again. I'm hungry.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I'm just a very hungry person.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I spend a lot of time at the fridge.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I'm finding myself there again. Just there. Just grazing.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18And they beep as well. Does your fridge beep?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21It beeps and I associate it so much with eating
0:02:21 > 0:02:24that when lorries reverse now I get a bit peckish.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25LAUGHTER
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I'm blaming my metabolism.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I don't actually know what metabolism is
0:02:30 > 0:02:33but there are obviously people with a fast one and I don't have that.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36You see people who are very thin and they're like,
0:02:36 > 0:02:40"My metabolism is so fast. I just eat. I eat like a pig. But you know, it just drops off me."
0:02:40 > 0:02:42LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I don't know what a metabolism is.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I think it's like this thing inside you and then food comes in
0:02:47 > 0:02:49and people with a fast metabolism are like,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"OK, everybody separate, separate equally.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55"You go over there, you go over there. Little dish, if you go down the left there.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58"The rest of you, the bulk of you, straight through. Keep moving.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01"Don't stop. Just keep moving. Don't look behind you.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04"We're keeping busy here, guys. We're in a rush. You go over there.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07"Just shape around the arm, shape around the arm. Looking good.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"Looking good. The rest of you through, OK."
0:03:10 > 0:03:11LAUGHTER
0:03:11 > 0:03:13That's not me. That's not me.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15My metabolism is more like,
0:03:15 > 0:03:20"OK, OK, everybody, everybody come. Come here. Just relax.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23"Everybody relax because we're going to be here a very long time."
0:03:23 > 0:03:25LAUGHTER
0:03:25 > 0:03:30"OK, let's all slowly make our way to his bum and we'll wait there."
0:03:30 > 0:03:32LAUGHTER
0:03:32 > 0:03:35"Maybe somebody there knows what to do."
0:03:35 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Beep, beep, beep, beep!
0:03:41 > 0:03:43LAUGHTER
0:03:43 > 0:03:46But I did lose a little bit of weight on account of my wife
0:03:46 > 0:03:48who suggested that I went on a diet
0:03:48 > 0:03:52and suggested that I went to a medical clinic in Austria to do it.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54When I say suggested, she bought me flights!
0:03:54 > 0:03:57She literally just handed them to me and said,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59"Go away and come back better looking."
0:03:59 > 0:04:02So I went to this place in Austria where you lose a stone in a week.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05A stone in a week. And everybody that does it loses a stone.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09I lost a stone in a week and it's actually amazing how they do it.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I know you're sitting there thinking, how would you do it, a stone in a week?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Well, I'll tell you. It's amazing.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16They don't give you any food!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I've never been more hungry in my entire life.
0:04:25 > 0:04:30I was trapped in this clinic in the middle of the Austrian Alps,
0:04:30 > 0:04:34paying an awful lot of money, drinking this thing in the morning
0:04:34 > 0:04:37called Epsom salts which just make you go to the loo.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40You just drink it and an hour later your whole system is flushed out.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44So I'm on the loo all week with no food, miserable,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46and it cost me thousands and thousands of pounds.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I could have gone to Benidorm and eaten a dodgy prawn
0:04:49 > 0:04:52and had the same holiday for like 200 quid!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54LAUGHTER
0:04:54 > 0:04:56But no, I'm in Austria.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I'm in Austria with all these middle-class,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02slightly fat people like me going, "Good morning."
0:05:02 > 0:05:04We can barely walk for hunger.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06HE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:05:06 > 0:05:09And tummies... You know when you're a little bit hungry,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12at the end of the day sometimes you're lying in bed with your partner
0:05:12 > 0:05:14and your tummies start getting chatty?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16IMPERSONATES RUMBLING STOMACH
0:05:16 > 0:05:18A bit of digestion.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20IMPERSONATES RUMBLING STOMACH
0:05:20 > 0:05:24And you comment on it. "Your tummy's very chatty, darling." And sometimes yours responds.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26IMPERSONATES RUMBLING STOMACH
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"Mine's gone too now."
0:05:28 > 0:05:31In Austria, I cannot tell you what it was like. Just people wandering round.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34IMPERSONATES RUMBLING STOMACH
0:05:35 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:41IMPERSONATES RUMBLING STOMACH
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I think my tummy actually spoke.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47I walked out of the clinic one day to get some air on day five
0:05:47 > 0:05:49and it went...
0:05:49 > 0:05:52IMPERSONATES RUMBLING STOMACH
0:05:52 > 0:05:54LAUGHTER
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I think it tried to phone for a taxi in the night while I was asleep!
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I woke up in the middle of the night with the phone off the hook and my tummy just going...
0:06:02 > 0:06:04IMPERSONATES RUMBLING STOMACH
0:06:04 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:11I'm going to say this. I don't think healthy people look good, all right?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Have you seen the people who work in health food shops?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16They're very healthy. They look terrible!
0:06:16 > 0:06:20It's not like you go in there and they look all athletic and wonderful,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22jogging on the spot because they've got so much energy.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Maybe they're skipping. "Hi, how can I help you?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31"The lentils? They're just down here."
0:06:31 > 0:06:33LAUGHTER
0:06:33 > 0:06:35That's not what they're like at all.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37They're all skeletal.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39"Let me show you to the lentils over here."
0:06:39 > 0:06:40LAUGHTER
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"I don't need vitamins, I have supplements.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47"Massive things. I can't swallow them."
0:06:47 > 0:06:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:53 > 0:06:58OK, ladies and gentlemen, who would like to play Celebrity Send To All?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:01 > 0:07:04This, of course, is where I take a celebrity's mobile phone
0:07:04 > 0:07:08and send a text of my choosing to their contacts
0:07:08 > 0:07:10to see what hilarious replies we get.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14So let's see who's in our Send To All Box this week.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Oh, it's the divine Alexander Armstrong!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:21 > 0:07:27Actor, writer, comedian, host, singer, all-round charmer.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29How are you, Alexander?
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- I'm very well.- So who are you with tonight?- I'm with my wife, Hannah.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- Hi, Hannah.- Hello. - This is Hannah and Kirsty and Rory.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Hi, thanks for coming, guys.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41So how is everything with you? What have you been up to?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43I've been up to various bits and pieces.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47I've just recorded an album which we've just released, which is very exciting.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- It's really good, it's really good. - Everyone's going to download that now.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52I'm very proud of it.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I've just been finishing off Pointless, obviously.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58We're doing 210 episodes of Pointless this year.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00APPLAUSE
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- 210 Episodes?!- I know. They fly by.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Is it true that the Queen watches Pointless?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Apparently at 5.15pm every afternoon
0:08:09 > 0:08:13they can hear the Pointless music down her corridor.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- That's amazing.- Yeah.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19So, Xander, we'd like you to pop your phone
0:08:19 > 0:08:22into our little contraption here and I will take it away from you.
0:08:22 > 0:08:27Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, Alexander Armstrong! What a wonderful sport.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28APPLAUSE
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Right, let's get this down. Oh, yes, look at that.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33POINTLESS THEME
0:08:33 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:38 > 0:08:40That went rather well.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Ladies and gentlemen,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I'm now in possession of Alexander Armstrong's...
0:08:46 > 0:08:48..very big phone.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- It's far too big. - I'm going to plug it in here.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53That should pop up. Yes!
0:08:55 > 0:08:58OK, let's have a look at what goes on in your life.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01This is the poshest phone I've ever looked at in my entire life!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03LAUGHTER
0:09:03 > 0:09:06You've got "wine guide," Wimbledon and Ocado!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Not to mention Nespresso!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12LAUGHTER
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I've never seen anything so posh in my entire life.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20OK, we must hurry up because Ocado is due any minute!
0:09:21 > 0:09:26Alexander, the text I'm going to send into your mobile phone is the following.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Now, I want you to relax. It's just a bit of fun.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30And I really like you so I said,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32when we were coming up with the text,
0:09:32 > 0:09:36I said, "Look, I don't want anything about Alexander because I really like him.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40"I don't want it about him personally in any way. I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable."
0:09:40 > 0:09:42LAUGHTER
0:09:42 > 0:09:45So we're going to make everybody else feel uncomfortable.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47LAUGHTER
0:09:47 > 0:09:52"Possibly the most awkward text
0:09:52 > 0:09:55"I've ever had to send."
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- How are you feeling about that as a start?- Lovely.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02You've got my tone of voice absolutely there!
0:10:02 > 0:10:06"If it was me, I'd want to know."
0:10:07 > 0:10:09LAUGHTER
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"You...
0:10:16 > 0:10:18"..have...
0:10:18 > 0:10:19"really...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"bad breath."
0:10:21 > 0:10:23LAUGHTER
0:10:30 > 0:10:32"Please tell me...
0:10:32 > 0:10:35"I've done the right thing..."
0:10:35 > 0:10:37LAUGHTER
0:10:37 > 0:10:39"..by telling you."
0:10:40 > 0:10:42How would you sign a text?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45If it was that...the tone of that text, probably "Xander".
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- Zander, thank you. And... - With an X.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- With an X.- Oh. "Zander X." Yes.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54No, no, no, no, stop.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Oh, sorry, spelt with an X!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59LAUGHTER
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- I thought it was a kiss. - Bung a couple of kisses.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05A kiss? "Xander X."
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Actually, no, let's take the kiss away.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Let's be honest, this is the last person you want to kiss!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:18OK, we are going to send this text. You've been an amazing sport.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22"Possibly the most awkward text I've ever had to send.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26"If it was me I'd want to know. You have really bad breath.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"Please tell me I've done the right thing by telling you.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31"Xander." No kiss.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33OK, shall I send that?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39That's gone!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41APPLAUSE
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Ladies and gentlemen, what a fantastic sport and charming man.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Alexander Armstrong, ladies and gentlemen!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:49 > 0:11:51And, of course, I'll be back later
0:11:51 > 0:11:53to find out what responses Alexander gets.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56OK, ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure
0:11:56 > 0:11:58that I welcome my next guests.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Their song Counting Stars has 1.5 billion hits
0:12:01 > 0:12:03on YouTube and counting.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Here with their new single,
0:12:05 > 0:12:09it's the Grammy nominated pop sensations, OneRepublic!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:23 > 0:12:24# Days when
0:12:26 > 0:12:29# We'd fight, we'd fight until I would give in
0:12:31 > 0:12:34# Yeah, perfect disasters
0:12:35 > 0:12:39# We were reaching, reaching for the rafters
0:12:39 > 0:12:41# Hey
0:12:41 > 0:12:44# And most of the days we were searching for ways
0:12:44 > 0:12:47# To get up and get out of the town that we were raised
0:12:47 > 0:12:49# Yeah, cos we were done
0:12:50 > 0:12:52# I remember we were sleeping in cars
0:12:52 > 0:12:55# We were searching for Oz, we were burning cigars
0:12:55 > 0:12:57# With white plastic tips until we saw the sun
0:12:59 > 0:13:01# And we said some crazy things like
0:13:01 > 0:13:04# I refuse to look back thinking days were better
0:13:04 > 0:13:08# Just because they're younger days
0:13:11 > 0:13:13# I don't know what's round the corner
0:13:13 > 0:13:17# Way I feel right now I swear we'll never change
0:13:19 > 0:13:21# Back when we were kids
0:13:24 > 0:13:26# Swore we would never die
0:13:28 > 0:13:31# You and me were kids
0:13:33 > 0:13:36# Swear that we'll never die
0:13:39 > 0:13:41# Lights down
0:13:43 > 0:13:46# And we drive and we're driving just to get out
0:13:48 > 0:13:50# Yeah, perfect disasters
0:13:52 > 0:13:55# We were swinging, swinging from the rafters
0:13:57 > 0:13:58# Hey
0:13:58 > 0:14:01# We were dancing in cars, we were searching for Oz
0:14:01 > 0:14:03# We were naming the stars after people we knew
0:14:03 > 0:14:05# Until we had to go
0:14:07 > 0:14:08# And we were saying things like
0:14:08 > 0:14:12# I refuse to look back thinking days were better
0:14:12 > 0:14:15# Just because they're younger days
0:14:18 > 0:14:20# I don't know what's round the corner
0:14:20 > 0:14:25# Way I feel right now I swear we'll never change
0:14:26 > 0:14:28# Back when we were kids
0:14:31 > 0:14:34# Swore we would never die
0:14:36 > 0:14:38# You and me were kids
0:14:40 > 0:14:43# Swear that we'll never die
0:14:47 > 0:14:49# Nights when we kept dancing
0:14:49 > 0:14:52# Changing all our plans and
0:14:52 > 0:14:56# Making every day a holiday
0:14:57 > 0:14:59# Feel the years start turning
0:14:59 > 0:15:02# City lights, they're burning
0:15:02 > 0:15:07# Something about this feels the same
0:15:07 > 0:15:10# Back when we were kids
0:15:10 > 0:15:12# Whoo!
0:15:12 > 0:15:15# Swore we would never die
0:15:17 > 0:15:20# You and me were kids
0:15:20 > 0:15:22# Whoo!
0:15:22 > 0:15:26# Swear that we'll never die
0:15:26 > 0:15:27# Oh, yeah!
0:15:27 > 0:15:31# I refuse to look back thinking days were better
0:15:31 > 0:15:36# Just because they're younger days
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- # You and me were kids! - I don't know what's round the corner
0:15:39 > 0:15:44# Way I feel right now I swear we'll never change
0:15:44 > 0:15:49# Back when we were kids
0:15:49 > 0:15:55# Oh, swore we would never die. #
0:15:55 > 0:15:58CHEERING
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Thank you.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06MICHAEL: OneRepublic, ladies and gentlemen!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08CHEERING Bravo! Thank you very much!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Thank you for coming! Yeah! Boom!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14OneRepublic! What about that?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Woohoo!
0:16:17 > 0:16:21HE IMITATES RYAN'S FALSETTO: # Back when we were kids!
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for our
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Unexpected Star Of The Show!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30CHEERING
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Every week on the Big Show,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36we surprise a member of the public by making their dream come true
0:16:36 > 0:16:40and giving them the opportunity to perform on this very stage.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42CHEERING
0:16:42 > 0:16:47So, let's meet tonight's Unexpected Star.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50There she is. Aw! APPLAUSE
0:16:50 > 0:16:53This is Brooke Guess.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56She's only 12 years old. She's a schoolgirl from Milton Keynes.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00She's been nominated by her mum and dad, Siobhan and Kevin,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02who're in the audience tonight.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Let's hear it for Siobhan and Kevin! CHEERING
0:17:06 > 0:17:09All right, so where are you? Hello, darling.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11This is Mum Siobhan - lovely to meet you!
0:17:11 > 0:17:12FAMILY CHEERS
0:17:12 > 0:17:18- Mum Siobhan! And Dad Kev?- Yeah! - There you are! Now, I also gather
0:17:18 > 0:17:21that there are quite a lot of people here supporting Brooke tonight.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Just a...? CHEERING
0:17:24 > 0:17:27What an incredible section of people!
0:17:27 > 0:17:28LAUGHTER Um...
0:17:28 > 0:17:32And what have you got glowing on you? Something... "Amazing..."?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- I'm Brooke's grandad. - You're Brooke's grandad?- Yeah.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37But why have you got, um, a sign? LAUGHTER
0:17:37 > 0:17:42What does it say? It says "Grandpa" in neon writing...
0:17:42 > 0:17:45LAUGHTER ..and then it flicks to "We..."
0:17:45 > 0:17:46It's quite a lengthy process!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49"We...love..." Very sweet!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I'm thinking "you"? Yes, it is, it's you!
0:17:52 > 0:17:53LAUGHTER That's a very, very...
0:17:53 > 0:17:56So you programme it? Oh, it's saying some more things!
0:17:56 > 0:17:59"Traffic on the M25..."
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I think you might've got a crossed signal!
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Siobhan?- Yes. - So tell us all about Brooke.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Um, Brooke's been singing since she was, well, two years old
0:18:09 > 0:18:13and, since then, she's just sung and sung and sung.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- She doesn't stop singing. - So this is a big deal?- Huge!
0:18:15 > 0:18:19How do you think she might handle performing for this many people?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- We've got 2,000 people in this theatre.- I know.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- Has she ever performed for an audience this big?- No.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25But it's her dream.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- So, because she is 12 years old... - Yes.- ..we didn't want her
0:18:29 > 0:18:33walking out of the door of the corridor onto the stage...
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- I know.- ..and giving her the fright of her life!- Yeah.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40Also, to get a child here on her own is also incredibly irresponsible!
0:18:40 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:41 > 0:18:45So, rather than be irresponsible, we organised something today,
0:18:45 > 0:18:46- which you were part of...- Yes.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49..then gave her a little bit of a surprise.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51We told the children we were going to have a go on the London Eye
0:18:51 > 0:18:54and then we were going to just walk around and see London.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Right.- So, we'd come into what we thought was
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- a fortune-teller...- You took her to our little secret room...- Yeah.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- ..adjacent to the theatre. - I did, yes.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07That's how it was this morning, and after we got our hands on it...
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Yes! LAUGHTER
0:19:09 > 0:19:13"Mystic Mac - Fortune Teller To The Stars."
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- And that is where you took Brooke...- Yes.- ..earlier today.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- We did!- Well, let's have a look at what happened.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24FOREIGN ACCENT: Hello! I am Mystic Mac -
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Fortune Teller To The Stars and part-time minicab driver.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Very good at predicting traffic.
0:19:34 > 0:19:39So, let me show you around where Brooke is going to come later.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42She will be coming here to meet with me
0:19:42 > 0:19:45and I will give her readings and predict her future.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47She will notice how I am very celebrated.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51There are photo over here, with me with Her Majesty the Queen.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Also with Beyonce, making joke with her. Ha-ha!
0:19:55 > 0:19:59This was when we were having dessert in restaurant and she said,
0:19:59 > 0:20:00"Would you like dessert?" and I said...
0:20:00 > 0:20:03# I don't think you're ready for this jelly!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06# I don't think you're ready for this jelly! #
0:20:06 > 0:20:09And she laughed so much here.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I see you later. This will be fun, yes?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14# Anything can happen! Anything can... #
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- KEV:- This looks horoscope-y.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19"Fortune Teller To The Stars!"
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Ooh! Right!- What do you reckon, Brooke?- Shall we go in, then?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- Right, we'll go in. - See you in a bit.- See you later.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27See you in a bit, Brooke. Bye.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36BELL RINGS
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Hello?- Hello!- Thank you for coming.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- Nice to meet you.- Don't tell. Siobhan?- Yes!- Yes! Hello!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- Is this lovely Brooke? - Yeah.- Shalom, welcome.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Please, would you like to come in?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53This is my new place. What do you think? It looks nice?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- It's very nice!- Yes. It's always very exciting
0:20:56 > 0:20:59for first-timers to come. Please, yes, sit down.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00- Thank you.- Hello, yes, Brooke.
0:21:00 > 0:21:06- Are you believers in...in future tellings?- I am, definitely, yeah.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- Yes, you think? - I like stuff like this.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10I already know, because I can see future,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13that this will be very successful! STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:21:13 > 0:21:15So if I give, please, left hand?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17OK, so...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I can tell already, from this, 12 years old.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Yes, 12 years old?- Yeah.- Yes.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25And I can tell also you are unmarried, from this?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27LAUGHTER Unmarried.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32And I see no children or grandchildren at the moment?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- No other children, grandchildren, nothing like that?- No.- OK!
0:21:35 > 0:21:39So this is palmistry. Now, I would like to show...
0:21:39 > 0:21:42This is always a bit of fun. I can look into crystal ball here.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46And it could be about you, it could be about anything, just pop out!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Let's see what happen.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51HE GRUNTS
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Artificial!
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- Artificial? - BROOKE GIGGLES
0:21:56 > 0:21:59That is tomorrow's Countdown Conundrum.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:07OK, maybe I need more of your name. What is your surname, please?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- Um, Guess.- Don't challenge me.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- Oh, sorry, I thought... - It is actually Guess!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14OK... THEY LAUGH
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Your name is Guess?- Yes!
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I am fortune-teller and your name is... I say, "What is name?"
0:22:19 > 0:22:22You say, "Guess!" Sorry, I thought...
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- Are you joke with me or is it real? - No, no, genuinely, genuinely.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- If I was to guess, honestly, from heart...- Mm-hm?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31..I would have said your surname is...Guess.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS, IT DROWNS THEM OUT
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Let me see if I can find other information about you.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- Do you have pets? A pet at home? - Yes, I have.- OK.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Lion?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Smaller.- It's smaller than lion.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- Yes.- Sorry, I... Sorry. It's cat? Cat?- Yes, a cat.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- You have more than one cat? - Yes, I have more than one cat.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Freddie!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- Freddie?- Yeah, Freddie!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- Freddie?- Freddie! - They are both called Freddie?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- No, one is called... - No, don't tell me!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Gaz... Gaza... Gazza...
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Ga... Giz... Geez... Geeza!
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- Giz...- Giz...?- ..mm-mm...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Giz...- Giz-mah...
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- Gizmo!- Yes! - Gizmo! Come on!- Yes!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Oh, it is starting to work.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27OK, now I think about you, I see, um...
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Ah, I see... # Baby... Baby...
0:23:31 > 0:23:35# Baby, you're a firework! #
0:23:37 > 0:23:39# I kissed a girl, like it! #
0:23:39 > 0:23:43This is a singer on your wall? A poster? No?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45SIOBHAN GIGGLES
0:23:45 > 0:23:49- Katy Perry? Is person? - Katy Perry!- Yes, it's her songs?
0:23:49 > 0:23:54- I feel I have done it right.- Yes! Yes.- Yes, I told you! This is good!
0:23:54 > 0:23:59OK, now, I have a lot of energy come from you about singing?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- Singing.- You like singing? - I like to sing, yeah.- Yes!
0:24:02 > 0:24:06This is very strong for me, this. Yes, you like to sing.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08- You like a lot? - I like a lot of singing.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12This feels everything, everything to me, coming to me about singing.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15I see very big things for you, actually.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20I see many people, many people happy, I see audience,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I see thousands, I see you alone singing.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26I see... I see TV! TV show!
0:24:26 > 0:24:30I see BBC One! Solid... solid ratings on this show.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33LAUGHTER
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- Is this dream for you, to sing? - Yeah.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41- Brooke, would you like to know when I see this?- OK, yeah.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I see this tonight, Brooke.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45OK!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Have you heard of Chinese comedian Michael McIntyre?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I tell you what I see when I look around this room as well.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I see... I see camera here. SIOBHAN LAUGHS
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- I see camera here.- You see a camera?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01This beard seems to be falling off me a little bit.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I see... I see camera over there.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10- In fact, even in here, is a man... - Oh, my God! What's happening?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- SIOBHAN LAUGHS - Oh, my God!
0:25:12 > 0:25:17NORMAL VOICE: Also, I'm not sure that I am...a fortune-teller.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- AUDIENCE APPLAUDS - Oh, my God!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER Oh, dear!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Oh, my gosh!
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- Brooke, I am indeed Michael McIntyre!- Oh, my gosh!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Let me tell you what's happening, Brooke.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Oh, my heart is, like, going, "Whoa! Whoa!"
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Right next door is a theatre and, tonight,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39it's going to be full of 2,000 people on
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Michael McIntyre's Big Show and I can tell you that all your family
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- and 40 of your friends are here... - Oh, my gosh!
0:25:46 > 0:25:50..to see you perform tonight, if you will agree to be
0:25:50 > 0:25:55- my Unexpected Star Of The Show. - Yes! Oh, my gosh, I'm shaking!
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Come with me.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58THEY LAUGH, AUDIENCE APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Brooke, there's a cameraman in there. He's actually in here.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Give him a wave!
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Hi!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07See you tonight, guys!
0:26:07 > 0:26:08CHEERING
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Aw, wasn't she amazing?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Please, give all your love for tonight's
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Unexpected Star Of The Show. It's Brooke!
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- KATY PERRY: - # Baby, you're a firework
0:26:25 > 0:26:29# Come on! Let your colours burst... #
0:26:29 > 0:26:31CHEERING
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Hello, darling! How are you feeling?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35APPLAUSE DROWNS HER OUT Come on, over here.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Oh, look at Brooke!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39CHEERING
0:26:39 > 0:26:42This is big Team Brooke over here!
0:26:42 > 0:26:47There they all are! Your mum and your dad and your bro!
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Your grandpa! Brooke, you must tell us how you're feeling.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- Um, at the start, it was very, very, very overwhelming.- Yeah.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56But now, I'm just really enjoying it.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Yeah, you've had some time to rehearse?
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Yeah, lots of rehearsals, everyone's been really kind and helpful.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Well, everybody is rooting for you massively,
0:27:04 > 0:27:05aren't we, ladies and gentlemen?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07CHEERING
0:27:07 > 0:27:11It's my absolute pleasure to give you this opportunity,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14um, and I'm sure you're going to be sensational.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- Can I just confirm you're up for this tonight?- Definitely, yeah.- OK.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Ladies and gentlemen, it's our Unexpected Star Of The Show,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23the absolutely adorable and wonderful, it's Brooke Guess!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25CHEERING Well done, well done!
0:27:25 > 0:27:30All right, Brooke's going to go and get ready and perform for us later.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Aw, she'll be amazing.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38OK, ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is quite simply
0:27:38 > 0:27:41one of the country's finest and most successful comedians
0:27:41 > 0:27:44and we're so lucky to have him here tonight.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47It's the fabulous... Mr Russell Howard is here!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49CHEERING
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Hey! Hello!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Thank you very much!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Hello!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03- ALL:- Hello!
0:28:03 > 0:28:06I love those moments in life when you feel glad to be alive.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09I had one recently, in an elevator in America with my mum, right,
0:28:09 > 0:28:11and I was quite depressed - I'd just read this story.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Apparently, Tesco no longer sell curved croissants.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19We only sell straight ones, cos enough people wrote complaining
0:28:19 > 0:28:23they struggle putting jam on curved croissants! That is a thing!
0:28:23 > 0:28:28As a nation, we have been defeated by bendy bread! That's...
0:28:28 > 0:28:30It's off the scale of stupid!
0:28:30 > 0:28:34"Dear Tesco, not being funny, but I was going like that
0:28:34 > 0:28:37"and suddenly there was jam on the table, so..."
0:28:37 > 0:28:41How can you be that...? "Help! Tony, it's happening again!
0:28:41 > 0:28:42"It's happening!"
0:28:43 > 0:28:47So, I was in this elevator, a bit depressed, and then this woman
0:28:47 > 0:28:51started laughing, just... HE LAUGHS SLOWLY AND DEEPLY
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Really deep! "Hee-hee-hee!"
0:28:53 > 0:28:56And I said, "Why are you laughing?" and this woman looked at me
0:28:56 > 0:29:01and went, "Sugar, has anyone ever told ya you look like Ellen!"
0:29:01 > 0:29:06HUGE LAUGHTER You've never heard... "Hee-hee!"
0:29:08 > 0:29:12Everyone in the elevator! "Hee-hee, hee-hee!"
0:29:12 > 0:29:15My mum was like, "She's got a point, Russ!
0:29:15 > 0:29:18"You look like a powerful lesbian!"
0:29:23 > 0:29:26My mum lives for those moments. Lives to embarrass me!
0:29:26 > 0:29:27Now I'm famous, she loves it!
0:29:27 > 0:29:29We were in a traffic jam the other day in a car.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31This bloke got out of his car, knocked on the window,
0:29:31 > 0:29:34"Excuse me, can I have a photo?" Now, that's fairly strange.
0:29:34 > 0:29:38Do you know what my mum did? She genuinely went, "HELP!
0:29:41 > 0:29:43"He's kidnapped me!"
0:29:44 > 0:29:47SOME APPLAUSE Don't applaud her!
0:29:47 > 0:29:50I said, quite reasonably, "What did you do that for?"
0:29:50 > 0:29:53To which my mum went, "Cos I'm 57.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55"I don't care."
0:29:56 > 0:29:58APPLAUSE Brilliant, innit?
0:29:58 > 0:30:00CHEERING
0:30:01 > 0:30:04I miss my childhood, you know. Not all of it, obviously.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07I don't miss the recorder! If you... Yeah!
0:30:07 > 0:30:09If you went to school in the '90s, the hours...
0:30:09 > 0:30:13And you've never needed that at a party - "This is a bit flat!"
0:30:13 > 0:30:14HE TOOTS LOUDLY
0:30:14 > 0:30:18Just a girl in the corner - "Aw, yeah!"
0:30:18 > 0:30:20"Do you know Little Donkey?" "You know I do, baby doll!"
0:30:23 > 0:30:26I also don't miss... Remember that creepy thing girls did at school?
0:30:26 > 0:30:29"Pick a number. Pick a colour. Pick a number."
0:30:29 > 0:30:32"What voodoo sorcery is this, Linda?"
0:30:32 > 0:30:34"Pick a number. Pick a colour."
0:30:34 > 0:30:38"Red." "R-E-D. NUMBER?" "All right, all right!"
0:30:39 > 0:30:42"Three." "One, two, three.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44"Everybody hates you."
0:30:49 > 0:30:51But I do... I miss my childhood. Do you know why?
0:30:51 > 0:30:54Because, as an adult, you have to plan fun, you know.
0:30:54 > 0:30:55As a kid, it just arrived.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57You remember the first time you saw a rainbow?
0:30:57 > 0:30:59Do you remember that moment?
0:30:59 > 0:31:03I was in the back of the car, "Dad, there's colours in the sky!"
0:31:03 > 0:31:06"Well, that's a rainbow, son." "It has a name?!"
0:31:08 > 0:31:11"Not only that, Russell, there's a pot of gold at the end of it
0:31:11 > 0:31:15"and it's guarded by a tiny leprechaun."
0:31:15 > 0:31:17"Pull over right now, Dad!"
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Me and my brother got on our bikes... Did anyone else do that?
0:31:20 > 0:31:23..rode to try and get the gold. Bet you didn't do this!
0:31:23 > 0:31:26We took a knife, just in case the leprechaun "acted up"!
0:31:26 > 0:31:30How different would my life have been if I'd bumped
0:31:30 > 0:31:35into a tiny Irishman and went, "WHERE'S THE MONEY, LEPRECHAUN?!"
0:31:38 > 0:31:41I come from a very silly family, right? Our favourite game to play is
0:31:41 > 0:31:44the "mir" game. You have to play! It's really simple!
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Like your dad might say something suggestive, so Dad might go,
0:31:46 > 0:31:50"God, that back door's a bit stiff." And you go, "Mir!" right?
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Let's do one now. Who wants a juicy sausage?
0:31:52 > 0:31:54- ALL:- Mir! - Really simple!
0:31:54 > 0:31:56We've been playing this game for 20 years.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Does my mum understand the rules? No!
0:31:59 > 0:32:02Does it stop her from joining in? Absolutely not, my friends!
0:32:02 > 0:32:05This is why I was lucky I was raised by such a joy monkey!
0:32:05 > 0:32:09I said to her recently, "Do you want a cup of tea?" My mum went, "Mir!"
0:32:11 > 0:32:14"Got you!" "You didn't get me, did you, you fabulous dumpling!
0:32:14 > 0:32:17"Let's do this - it has to sound rude, but not be rude!
0:32:17 > 0:32:20"How can a cup of tea possibly be rude?!"
0:32:20 > 0:32:22And my mum looked at me and went,
0:32:22 > 0:32:26"I don't know, Russ, you could pour it up your bum! Mir!"
0:32:27 > 0:32:31Now, if you're lucky enough to be raised by a woman that fantastic,
0:32:31 > 0:32:34it's a treat to take her places. I took her to a premiere recently,
0:32:34 > 0:32:36which is kind of a bit of a thing to show off,
0:32:36 > 0:32:39but I took her, because my sister was in a film, so we kind of went,
0:32:39 > 0:32:43I had to buy my mum a handbag. That was a first! Five long hours!
0:32:43 > 0:32:45In the end, I went, "Here's my cash card, my PIN number, you get it."
0:32:45 > 0:32:47"Well, how much am I allowed to spend?"
0:32:47 > 0:32:49"I don't know! How much is a handbag worth?"
0:32:49 > 0:32:52"Well, how much do you think it's worth?"
0:32:52 > 0:32:55"I don't know, shall we say 500 quid?" "Yes, we shall."
0:32:55 > 0:32:57You know what she did?
0:32:57 > 0:32:58She bought a handbag for 200 quid,
0:32:58 > 0:33:01went to the cashpoint and took out the other 300!
0:33:02 > 0:33:05We get to the premiere, right? We have our photo taken.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07That's one of the funniest things. All the paps are there.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Normally, what happens - the lady celebs, they do this lovely thing
0:33:10 > 0:33:12when they kind of walk up and they do the sideways, "Mwooh!" like that
0:33:12 > 0:33:15and off they...off they wander. Nobody had taught Mum to do that.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17So what did she do? She just ran at them, like that.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21It's like watching a Yorkshire pudding move carrots out of the way.
0:33:21 > 0:33:22LAUGHTER
0:33:24 > 0:33:26I was sat there next to this woman I adore
0:33:26 > 0:33:29and my little sister is on the silver screen.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32My heart is beating with pride. It's beautiful, you know.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34And then it happened, my friends. Halfway through that film,
0:33:34 > 0:33:39my sister starts getting it on with an old man.
0:33:39 > 0:33:43SHOUTING: Now, I don't know if you've ever sat down and drawn up
0:33:43 > 0:33:46a list of things you don't EVER WANT TO SEE!
0:33:46 > 0:33:49But I would argue that at the top of that list would be watching
0:33:49 > 0:33:54your sweet angel of a little sister get off with a pensioner,
0:33:54 > 0:33:57when you're sat next to your mum!
0:33:58 > 0:34:00And my mum looked at me and went, "Mir!"
0:34:00 > 0:34:03LAUGHTER
0:34:03 > 0:34:06Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Bye-bye.
0:34:06 > 0:34:07APPLAUSE
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Russell Howard, ladies and gentlemen. What about that!
0:34:17 > 0:34:19What about that!
0:34:22 > 0:34:23Yeah, we love Russell!
0:34:26 > 0:34:28OK, ladies and gentlemen.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30It is... Oh, you might notice that there's something up.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34There are two additional screens on the stage and that is because
0:34:34 > 0:34:37we're going to play a game called Soap Or Nope.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:34:39 > 0:34:44So, what I need to play this game is quite simply someone
0:34:44 > 0:34:46who is a soap opera fanatic.
0:34:46 > 0:34:50Can you just raise your hand if you feel confident
0:34:50 > 0:34:54about your knowledge of soap opera?
0:34:54 > 0:34:56Let's have a look.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58What's going on... Oh, there's somebody over there
0:34:58 > 0:35:01who seems very keen, being nominated by her husband.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04She looks very grumpy about the prospect.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Right, let's go and see.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09- Not a soap fan?- No.- No? OK.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12It sounds like I'm being really rude to people.
0:35:12 > 0:35:13"Not a soap fan!
0:35:15 > 0:35:17"Not a fan of soap yourself!" HE LAUGHS
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Yeah! What's going on here? What's happening?
0:35:20 > 0:35:22You're holding hands?
0:35:22 > 0:35:25Are you...? Are you a soap fan?
0:35:25 > 0:35:27- Yeah.- My nana is.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29Aw, Nana is.
0:35:29 > 0:35:30What's your name, Nana?
0:35:30 > 0:35:32- Doreen.- Doreen.- Yeah.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34What soaps d'you enjoy?
0:35:34 > 0:35:38- Um, I like Emmerdale.- Emmerdale. - Um, Coronation Street.- Corrie.
0:35:38 > 0:35:39- Yeah.- Yeah? EastEnders?
0:35:39 > 0:35:42- Now and again, yeah. - Not such a fan?
0:35:44 > 0:35:47Just bear in mind, Doreen, this is a BBC television show.
0:35:47 > 0:35:48LAUGHTER
0:35:51 > 0:35:54So we'll ask that again. So your favourite soap, EastEnders?
0:35:54 > 0:35:56- Yeah.- Brilliant!
0:35:57 > 0:36:00Well, I think we might have found our family.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02Doreen, are you up for playing Soap Or Nope?
0:36:02 > 0:36:03- Go on, then!- Yeah!
0:36:03 > 0:36:07Yay! All right, Doreen, if I could just ask you to stand up, please,
0:36:07 > 0:36:10for me, I will explain the plan on Soap Or Nope.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13Let's find out a little bit about yourself. Where are you from?
0:36:13 > 0:36:16I'm from Kilham in Driffield, near Bridlington.
0:36:16 > 0:36:20- Lovely. Three different places... - Yeah.- ..I've never heard of.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24OK, thank you for coming. I'm going to explain the rules to you.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26On this stage, is the Soap Or Nope set.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:36:30 > 0:36:36We are going to release human beings on a conveyor belt.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40They're going to pop out on the left and they're going to slowly
0:36:40 > 0:36:43make their way across the stage.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46Some of them will be soap stars - hence the "soap" -
0:36:46 > 0:36:49and some of them will not, those will be the "nope".
0:36:49 > 0:36:53Let me just briefly demonstrate to you how this is going to work.
0:36:53 > 0:36:57So, basically, Doreen, you will be focusing and you have until the
0:36:57 > 0:37:02end of the conveyor belt to guess whether the person is Soap Or Nope.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07All right? CHEERING
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Right? You get that, Doreen?
0:37:14 > 0:37:16And, of course, the audience are here to help you.
0:37:16 > 0:37:20And there might be prizes and surprises, OK?
0:37:21 > 0:37:23So, Doreen, in order to play this game,
0:37:23 > 0:37:26I'm going to have to get you your own microphone and mic you up.
0:37:26 > 0:37:27- Is that OK, Doreen?- Yes. - You up for that?
0:37:27 > 0:37:30Fantastic. All right, so let's have a huge hand for Doreen.
0:37:31 > 0:37:36This lovely lady here is going to take you and get you miked up.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Doreen, everyone!
0:37:41 > 0:37:45OK, when Doreen returns, she will be miked up, so we can hear her
0:37:45 > 0:37:50play Soap Or Nope, but there will be a big plot twist.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53EASTENDERS DRUM THEME PLAYS
0:37:56 > 0:37:59At the end of Soap Or Nope,
0:37:59 > 0:38:05the last person who comes out is going to be a lady called Gwen.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Gwen is Doreen's best friend in the world.
0:38:08 > 0:38:12They've been pen pals for 70 years,
0:38:12 > 0:38:15but they have never, ever met each other.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18AUDIENCE GASPS
0:38:18 > 0:38:22Gwen has been flown over from Australia to be here tonight.
0:38:23 > 0:38:27APPLAUSE And Doreen has no idea.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32This is a very emotional moment!
0:38:32 > 0:38:34So, tell us about Doreen and Gwen.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37Well, they've been pen pals for 70 years. They've gone through
0:38:37 > 0:38:40the Second World War, births, deaths, marriages.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42They've wrote to each other every couple of weeks,
0:38:42 > 0:38:45and it's her 80th birthday coming up at the end of the month,
0:38:45 > 0:38:48so I wanted to do something really special on behalf of the family.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52And this is Doreen's husband.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55Roy, how do you think she's going to react?
0:38:55 > 0:38:58Do you think she's going to...? She must recognise her, obviously.
0:38:58 > 0:38:59- She won't believe it.- Aw.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02- It sounds like it's going to be a wonderful surprise for her.- Yes.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04But, obviously, nobody give the game away.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08First, we'll play Soap Or Nope, and then Gwen will come out at the end.
0:39:08 > 0:39:09And, hopefully, it'll all work,
0:39:09 > 0:39:12and she'll recognise Gwen and we'll have a lovely moment.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14There's a small chance she'll just go, "Soap!",
0:39:14 > 0:39:18and then it just goes off, and we go, "Awkward!"
0:39:20 > 0:39:22But, ladies and gentlemen, you're all in on this,
0:39:22 > 0:39:25so no giving it away. Let's get her back.
0:39:27 > 0:39:28All right!
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Welcome back. This is going to be fun.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38- OK, so if I can ask you to stand. - Yes.- The audience can help you.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41So, let's play Soap Or Nope.
0:39:41 > 0:39:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:39:45 > 0:39:47What do you say, Doreen?
0:39:47 > 0:39:48- Soap. - Soap?
0:39:48 > 0:39:52Yes. Shaun Williamson, of course, Barry Evans from EastEnders.
0:39:52 > 0:39:56She got that right! Well done. Well done, Doreen.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59OK. Let's go with our second one, please.
0:39:59 > 0:40:00Soap or nope?
0:40:01 > 0:40:04Ooh, what do we think about this one, Doreen? Soap or nope?
0:40:04 > 0:40:06What do we think, audience?
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Nope.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11That lady's name is Emma Dale.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15Let's go again, please. Soap or nope?
0:40:15 > 0:40:17What do we think of this? What do we think?
0:40:17 > 0:40:20AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:40:21 > 0:40:23- What are you saying? What are you saying?- I'll say soap.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25She's gone soap.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27That is the correct answer!
0:40:28 > 0:40:33- That is Maisie Smith, who played Tiffany Butcher in EastEnders.- Yeah.
0:40:33 > 0:40:37- Did you recognise Maisie all grown up?- Yeah.- Sensational.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40- No, I didn't know, actually. - No, you didn't know. All right.
0:40:40 > 0:40:45You've got the Midas touch. You are on a roll. Let's go again.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47Soap or nope?
0:40:47 > 0:40:50- This is very exciting. - Oh, yeah, definitely soap.
0:40:50 > 0:40:51Definitely soap.
0:40:51 > 0:40:55Yes, of course, it's Roxanne Pallett, Jo Stiles in Emmerdale.
0:40:55 > 0:40:56There she is!
0:40:59 > 0:41:02All right, Doreen, next up.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04- Oh, yeah, yeah, that is soap. - Soap.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07- She's gone soap.- Yeah. - Nope.- Oh!
0:41:07 > 0:41:11- That...- Oh, it looked like her on soap.- ..is a Kat Moon lookalike.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13SYMPATHETIC GROANS
0:41:13 > 0:41:17- She's actually called Stephanie Kramer.- Never heard of her.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19"Never heard of her!"
0:41:20 > 0:41:22That's cos she was a nope, Doreen.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25OK, let's play again, please.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30- What do we think? Soap or nope? - Nope, I don't know her.- Nope?
0:41:30 > 0:41:33She's gone nope, and that is the correct answer.
0:41:33 > 0:41:37It's Gail with a plait. She's a student from Essex.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42You loved that, guys!
0:41:42 > 0:41:45You are doing so spectacularly well at Soap Or Nope,
0:41:45 > 0:41:48only fooled by the lookalike.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52All right, Soap Or Nope, for the last one.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Definitely soap.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02Is it? Is it?
0:42:02 > 0:42:03Is it not soap?
0:42:08 > 0:42:11- Let's go and have a closer look. - Oh. No, I've seen her face before.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15Do you want to have a closer look, Doreen?
0:42:17 > 0:42:21- Oh...- Definitely soap... - Oh, I know who it is!
0:42:21 > 0:42:23It's me pen pal in Australia!
0:42:23 > 0:42:25Gwen.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
0:42:42 > 0:42:45At last! At long last!
0:42:50 > 0:42:52Thank you for being here!
0:42:53 > 0:42:54Oh, my!
0:42:58 > 0:43:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
0:43:01 > 0:43:05Ladies and gentlemen, it's Gwen and Doreen. What about that?
0:43:07 > 0:43:0971 years I've been writing to her.
0:43:09 > 0:43:11- 71 years you've been writing to her? - Yeah.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14- And you've never met until this day? - No.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16- That's unbelievable. - Yeah, it's lovely.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
0:43:21 > 0:43:23Such a wonderful moment.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25How are you feeling, Gwen?
0:43:25 > 0:43:28Well, I know. Very emotional, I think.
0:43:28 > 0:43:29Very emotional. After all this time.
0:43:29 > 0:43:3371 years!
0:43:33 > 0:43:36I was nine years old, at school. They asked if I wanted a pen pal
0:43:36 > 0:43:39and I said yes when I was nine years old, yeah.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42- And you've stayed in touch all this time.- Yes.- Yes.
0:43:42 > 0:43:46And after all this time, you thought she was a soap star.
0:43:46 > 0:43:49LAUGHTER
0:43:51 > 0:43:53You thought, "Oh, she's from Neighbours."
0:43:53 > 0:43:55I never expected...
0:43:58 > 0:44:00- That's unbelievable.- That's lovely.
0:44:00 > 0:44:03How does it feel meeting her now, though?
0:44:03 > 0:44:05Absolutely brilliant. So excited.
0:44:05 > 0:44:07It's great.
0:44:07 > 0:44:10Listen, it's been wonderful for all of us to witness this.
0:44:10 > 0:44:12And even more wonderful cos we didn't know
0:44:12 > 0:44:14how this was going to go.
0:44:14 > 0:44:17When you just went, "Definitely soap."
0:44:17 > 0:44:19LAUGHTER
0:44:20 > 0:44:21Such a wonderful moment.
0:44:21 > 0:44:24Your family is so pleased. Your husband is just over the moon
0:44:24 > 0:44:27to give you this moment. And you're going to head now
0:44:27 > 0:44:30to our royal box and watch the rest of the show together.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32You've got a lot to talk about and catch up on.
0:44:32 > 0:44:35Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Gwen and Doreen.
0:44:35 > 0:44:38Amazing, what a lovely moment.
0:44:38 > 0:44:40Thank you so much for coming, thank you.
0:44:41 > 0:44:43Gwen and Doreen!
0:44:43 > 0:44:45CHEERING
0:44:48 > 0:44:54OK, so, earlier tonight, as you may recall, Alexander Armstrong agreed
0:44:54 > 0:44:59to hand over his mobile phone and I sent this message to his contacts...
0:45:12 > 0:45:17Well, the replies have come in and I think it's time for us to
0:45:17 > 0:45:21play Celebrity Send To All with Alexander Armstrong.
0:45:21 > 0:45:23CHEERING
0:45:26 > 0:45:31- OK, well, let's see what's been happening. Jonathan Yeo.- Yeah.
0:45:31 > 0:45:35- Who's that?- Jonny Yeo, he's a friend.- Jonny Yeo.- Mm.
0:45:35 > 0:45:36Oh, my goodness.
0:45:36 > 0:45:40He's just put, "I'm guessing you meant to send that to my wife."
0:45:40 > 0:45:42LAUGHTER
0:45:48 > 0:45:51Wow, you've got - I'm going to say it -
0:45:51 > 0:45:53some relatively posh names in your phone.
0:45:53 > 0:45:56I mean, maybe I'm wrong. You decide.
0:45:56 > 0:45:57Octavius Black.
0:45:57 > 0:45:59LAUGHTER
0:45:59 > 0:46:02Is that a person you know or a character from Harry Potter?
0:46:04 > 0:46:06It's a person, it's a real person.
0:46:06 > 0:46:11OK. Oh, God, straight to the point this guy. Will Brown...
0:46:11 > 0:46:15- Is this a real person? Will Browne-Swinburne.- It is, yeah.
0:46:15 > 0:46:16Who's Will Browne-Swinburne?
0:46:16 > 0:46:20- He's a friend... Well, he WAS a friend.- OK, he WAS a friend.
0:46:20 > 0:46:21He's just straight to the point.
0:46:21 > 0:46:24"Sorry about the breath, Xander, thank you for letting me know.
0:46:24 > 0:46:26"I'll get something done about it."
0:46:26 > 0:46:28LAUGHTER
0:46:28 > 0:46:30"Love to all, Willy."
0:46:32 > 0:46:36"Get something done about it"! Oh, God, Will.
0:46:36 > 0:46:39OK, Jamie, Jamie T.
0:46:39 > 0:46:40Mm-hmm.
0:46:40 > 0:46:43- Who's that?- Not the singer, Jamie Theakston.
0:46:43 > 0:46:45Jamie Theakston, lovely Jamie Theakston.
0:46:45 > 0:46:50"If it smells, it must be pretty bad. I'm in Rome right now."
0:46:50 > 0:46:51LAUGHTER
0:46:55 > 0:46:57It's very good.
0:46:57 > 0:47:00Oh, now, we stumble upon Upholstery Jayne.
0:47:00 > 0:47:01XANDER GASPS
0:47:01 > 0:47:03Oh, no!
0:47:03 > 0:47:04OK.
0:47:10 > 0:47:12Jayne with a Y? Upholsterer?
0:47:12 > 0:47:14Yup. So what did she upholster for you?
0:47:14 > 0:47:17- Oh, she's done some chairs for us. - Chairs?- Yeah.
0:47:17 > 0:47:21"Xander, probably the most awkward text I've ever replied to.
0:47:21 > 0:47:25"Especially as I haven't spoken to you for at least two years.
0:47:27 > 0:47:31"Is THAT why you forgot to pick up your chair?"
0:47:31 > 0:47:33LAUGHTER
0:47:44 > 0:47:47She's ended it with, "Oh, and of course you were right to tell me.
0:47:47 > 0:47:51"Jayne." "Is that why you didn't pick up your chair?"
0:47:51 > 0:47:55For two years she's been sitting watching Pointless on
0:47:55 > 0:47:57the chair that you never picked up
0:47:57 > 0:48:01thinking, "Why, why has Xander never picked up this chair?"
0:48:01 > 0:48:03She's currently sitting at home doing that.
0:48:03 > 0:48:05HE EXHALES
0:48:08 > 0:48:13- Claire Charrington. Friend of yours?- Yeah, my assistant.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16- Oh, your assistant?- Yes.
0:48:16 > 0:48:18Oh, your assistant!
0:48:18 > 0:48:21Oh, no!
0:48:21 > 0:48:24That's bad, it is bad. Oh, no, that's bad.
0:48:26 > 0:48:28She's lovely, though.
0:48:28 > 0:48:31"Awkward, to say the least, it's probably work-stress related."
0:48:31 > 0:48:33LAUGHTER
0:48:36 > 0:48:39I'll text her back - "Still no excuse."
0:48:39 > 0:48:42Joking, joking, joking. Joking.
0:48:42 > 0:48:46Oh, my goodness, if it isn't Hugh Bonneville.
0:48:46 > 0:48:49Of course, we all were expecting, sooner or later, Bonneville
0:48:49 > 0:48:55to show up in Xander's phone. "You are a true friend. Thank you.
0:48:55 > 0:48:57"I'll get on to the hygienist first thing.
0:49:00 > 0:49:04"By the way, remember I joked about some drunk who pooed in my
0:49:04 > 0:49:08"dad's wash basin at my 40th?
0:49:08 > 0:49:09"I know it was you.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14"Hashtag CCTV."
0:49:18 > 0:49:19There's a story there.
0:49:21 > 0:49:24"Hugh B, kiss."
0:49:26 > 0:49:30Charlotte Church is in. "Is this a hoax?" She's on to it, Churchy.
0:49:30 > 0:49:32That's not Charlotte Church,
0:49:32 > 0:49:35that's actually... That's someone called Charlotte from the church.
0:49:35 > 0:49:37LAUGHTER
0:49:42 > 0:49:43Oh, God.
0:49:50 > 0:49:54I am so sorry to assume that that was Welsh songstress
0:49:54 > 0:49:56Charlotte Church.
0:49:56 > 0:49:59Of course, it's somebody called Charlotte from the church.
0:50:02 > 0:50:07- OK. Rob the plumber. I'm assuming he's the plumber...- He's the plumber.
0:50:07 > 0:50:09- ..and he's called Rob. - He's called Rob, yeah.
0:50:09 > 0:50:13"Don't care if my breath smells as long as you pay my invoice."
0:50:20 > 0:50:24Thank you so much, you've been beyond a good sport.
0:50:24 > 0:50:25Ladies and gentlemen,
0:50:25 > 0:50:30please give it up for the incredibly brave Alexander Armstrong.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32CHEERING
0:50:32 > 0:50:38It's not Charlotte Church, it's Charlotte from the church. Amazing.
0:50:38 > 0:50:42Very best of luck with the album. Alexander Armstrong,
0:50:42 > 0:50:44ladies and gentlemen. Fantastic.
0:50:47 > 0:50:51Oh, it's Gwen and Doreen up there. Hi, guys.
0:50:51 > 0:50:52Look at you in the posh seats!
0:50:54 > 0:50:57You're holding hands up there.
0:50:57 > 0:50:58- Yeah.- This is so sweet.
0:51:00 > 0:51:03Very, very sweet.
0:51:03 > 0:51:07So, earlier today, schoolgirl Brooke got the biggest surprise of
0:51:07 > 0:51:12her life when I asked her to be our Unexpected Star Of The Show.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15She's been getting ready backstage with the help of our team,
0:51:15 > 0:51:18so let's find out how her day has been unfolding.
0:51:21 > 0:51:24- This looks horoscope-y. - My first customers.
0:51:24 > 0:51:28- The whole day, it just all feels like a dream, a blur.- I see TV show.
0:51:28 > 0:51:30A thing that I'm just going to wake up
0:51:30 > 0:51:33tomorrow and think, "What happened?"
0:51:33 > 0:51:35Brooke, I am indeed Michael McIntyre.
0:51:37 > 0:51:41I'll have to sing as the Unexpected Star and I'm shaking...lots!
0:51:42 > 0:51:44It's just crazy.
0:51:44 > 0:51:46- You've got recorders on?- Yeah.
0:51:46 > 0:51:48This has been something I've always wanted to do -
0:51:48 > 0:51:51perform in front of lots of different people.
0:51:51 > 0:51:53It's definitely a dream come true, yeah.
0:51:54 > 0:51:55For Brooke, this, I think,
0:51:55 > 0:51:58is probably the biggest moment of her life and obviously this
0:51:58 > 0:52:01is the biggest audience she's ever performed in front of.
0:52:01 > 0:52:04Millions of people at home, I just hope everything comes together
0:52:04 > 0:52:05as one for this big performance.
0:52:05 > 0:52:08- Are you ready?- Yeah.- Let's do it.
0:52:08 > 0:52:12Standing on the stage, I think it will be quite overwhelming
0:52:12 > 0:52:13but I'll try and do my best.
0:52:13 > 0:52:16- Are you happy?- Yeah.
0:52:16 > 0:52:17We are set.
0:52:18 > 0:52:20APPLAUSE
0:52:20 > 0:52:24Now, ladies and gentlemen, the time has come.
0:52:24 > 0:52:30My next guest is about to give us the performance of her life.
0:52:30 > 0:52:33And then it's bath, teeth and bed.
0:52:33 > 0:52:35Put your hands together, please,
0:52:35 > 0:52:37for our youngest ever Unexpected Star Of The Show.
0:52:37 > 0:52:41It's 12-year-old Brooke, ladies and gentlemen.
0:52:41 > 0:52:42CHEERING
0:52:53 > 0:52:57# If I
0:52:57 > 0:53:00# Shou...would stay
0:53:00 > 0:53:04# I would only be
0:53:04 > 0:53:08# In your way
0:53:08 > 0:53:12# So I'll go
0:53:12 > 0:53:16# But I know
0:53:16 > 0:53:23# I'll think of you every step of the way
0:53:28 > 0:53:33# And I-I-I
0:53:33 > 0:53:39# Will always love you
0:53:39 > 0:53:43# I will always
0:53:43 > 0:53:48# Love you
0:53:50 > 0:53:53# You
0:53:53 > 0:53:57# My darling, you
0:53:57 > 0:54:00# Mm
0:54:00 > 0:54:07# I hope life treats you kind
0:54:07 > 0:54:15# And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
0:54:15 > 0:54:21# And I wish you joy and happiness
0:54:22 > 0:54:31# But above all this, I wish you love
0:54:33 > 0:54:39# And I-I-I
0:54:39 > 0:54:45# Will always love you
0:54:45 > 0:54:52# I will always love you
0:54:52 > 0:54:59# I will always love you
0:54:59 > 0:55:07# Oh, I will always love you
0:55:08 > 0:55:15# I will always love
0:55:15 > 0:55:19# You
0:55:20 > 0:55:28# I will always love you. #
0:55:28 > 0:55:31CHEERING
0:55:39 > 0:55:41Yay!
0:55:45 > 0:55:47Come on up, Mum and Dad. Come on.
0:56:00 > 0:56:01You were brilliant, darling.
0:56:01 > 0:56:04Ladies and gentlemen, it's our Unexpected Star Of The Show, Brooke.
0:56:04 > 0:56:07What about that? How are you feeling?
0:56:07 > 0:56:11I'm happy. I'm happy, I'm happy, yeah, I'm happy. I'm very happy.
0:56:11 > 0:56:14Well, you did fantastically well, didn't she? Wonderful.
0:56:14 > 0:56:16CHEERING
0:56:20 > 0:56:24- Was that everything you hoped it would be?- More, more.
0:56:24 > 0:56:26Absolutely adorable. Thank you so much.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Brooke.
0:56:28 > 0:56:32The absolutely sensational little star that she is. Brooke!
0:56:40 > 0:56:43A huge thank you to all my guests this evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:56:43 > 0:56:45See you next week for another Big Show.