0:00:10 > 0:00:12Tonight on my Big Show,
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Jamie Oliver plays Celebrity Send To All,
0:00:14 > 0:00:18comedy from the hilarious Jack Whitehall,
0:00:18 > 0:00:24music from megastar Sting, and from newcomer David Brent.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27And who will be tonight's Unexpected Star of the Show?
0:00:27 > 0:00:30All this and so much more.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37'Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40'Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre.'
0:00:40 > 0:00:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:43 > 0:00:47THEME TUNE FROM "STRICTLY COME DANCING"
0:00:56 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Bravo!
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Yes, hello, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10And welcome to my Big Show.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Yay!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17It's on.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, there will be big stars,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23big laughs and big surprises.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:26 > 0:01:29And thank you all for being here, because I know you want to be here.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I know you THINK you want to be here, but you don't really want to
0:01:32 > 0:01:34be here, I don't think, because you're British.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37British people would always rather be at home.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41It doesn't matter where you are. Home is always better.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44A good night for a British person is judged on how quickly they
0:01:44 > 0:01:47managed to get home at the end of it.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49"How was last night?" "It was amazing.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50"We were home by 9.30."
0:01:50 > 0:01:52People are so thrilled.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Even tonight you'll judge it...
0:01:54 > 0:01:58You will get through the door and you'll check the watch. "What time is it?"
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Anything before the hour will feel like a small victory.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Even if it's ten to one. "It's ten to one in the morning.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08"Ooh! We've got ten minutes to do what we want. It's ten to one! Woohoo!"
0:02:08 > 0:02:12APPLAUSE
0:02:13 > 0:02:17What else is new? I want to have a little chat with you.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20It's been on my mind and I feel that we should discuss certain
0:02:20 > 0:02:25things that confuse me about chat, about the word "Chat." OK?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28So there's chat and there's chit-chat.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31What is the difference between chat and chit-chat?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Because people say, "Do you want a chat?" And you go, "Yeah, let's have a chat".
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Or, "We had a chat earlier." "Shall we have a...?" "Thanks for the chat."
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Or they go, "We had a chit-chat. We had some chit-chat."
0:02:39 > 0:02:42What is the difference between a chat and a chit-chat?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Well, I can tell you. Obviously, it's chit.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:48But what is chit? What is chit?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51How do you add the chit to the chat for it to become chit-chat?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Because people never have a chit is the point I'm making.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56You never say to someone, "Have you got time for a chat?"
0:02:56 > 0:02:58"No, but I could probably have a little chit."
0:02:58 > 0:02:59LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:02"Let's have a chit. Because I don't think I could do a chat.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06"Certainly not a chit-chat." What is a chit-chat?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Why are there these words that need another word to become one word?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Like nitty-gritty. What is nitty and what is gritty?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13You get to the nitty-gritty.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Can you get to the nitty and not get to the gritty?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20"I got to the gritty. I saw no nitty. Where was the nitty?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22"I only saw gritty.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25"We should chit about the nitty if we have time because I never saw
0:03:25 > 0:03:26"the gritty."
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Hurly-burly. What is hurly, what is burly?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Wishy-washy.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Fuddy-duddy.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Argy-bargy.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Itsy-bitsy.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Hodgepodge.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37What is going on?
0:03:37 > 0:03:41My favourite is hanky-panky. It is hanky-panky.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Because hanky-panky is something - I can only speak for men -
0:03:44 > 0:03:47that all men can aspire to on a daily basis.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51On a daily basis we hope that hanky-panky will happen.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55But often we must make do
0:03:55 > 0:03:56with hanky.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:07 > 0:04:12OK, ladies and gentlemen, who wants to play Celebrity Send To All?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:14 > 0:04:19So let's find out who is in our Send To All box this week.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Why, it's the world's best chef.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:25 > 0:04:29It's Jamie Oliver, ladies and gentlemen.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Oh, Jamie.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Jamie, you're a true legend. I can't thank you enough for being here.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- Thank you.- How are you?- I'm really well. It's lovely to see you guys.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- It's brilliant. Great show. - Are you enjoying the show?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Yeah, I'm doing the catering later. Are you ready for it?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:46 > 0:04:48What have you been up to, Jamie?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I've been working hard. It's Christmas.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Come on, it's my busiest time of year.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- You've got a new book coming out. - Yes, I have.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57It's got the last 17 and a half years of Christmases.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Obviously you cook, you take on the burden of cooking.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Yeah, I cook for everyone at Christmas.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I delegate a few bits and pieces.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Is it just a family affair or can I come?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Yeah, but the family is getting bigger.- Yes.- It's getting bigger...
0:05:08 > 0:05:11You are sensationally fertile individual.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:15If you eat healthily you'll have a child every week.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20This is the problem. I'll stick to the Turkey Twizzlers and struggle to conceive.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Amazingly fertile man.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:25 > 0:05:27He's so fertile!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Be careful, ladies, don't go near that man.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Amazing, but listen, I can't thank you enough for being here and
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- playing this game...- Thank you. - ..which is a lot of fun.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38How are you feeling about the prospect?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Er... Awful.- Why?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- Genuinely...I'm so scared...- OK.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Don't worry, you're in absolutely safe hands.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50My wife doesn't even have the code to this.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- I've taken it off just for this. - Thank you very much.- Shall I...?
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Ladies and gentlemen, he's taken his code off for us tonight.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00It's the fantastic Jamie Oliver playing Send To All.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:02 > 0:06:03All right.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Hello. Stay back from Jamie, you could all get pregnant.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Be careful, girls, be careful. All right.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Here we go. Here comes the phone.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- AUDIENCE:- Whoo! - MUSIC: "Food Glorious Food"
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Yeah! I'm now in possession, ladies and gentlemen,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21of Jamie Oliver's mobile telephone.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23APPLAUSE
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Oh, Jamie.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Let's plug it in and then it'll come up. All right. So...
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Yes, there it is, there it is. We're up and running.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Baby number three.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37LAUGHTER
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- All right. Can I look at your photos, is that all right? - If you want to.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43The Olivers. Absolutely, totally adorable.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Oh, Jamie!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:06:47 > 0:06:48So cute.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Not as cute.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- Pancakes on the go in the Oliver household.- Yeah. Birthday boy. - Amazing. Whoa! OK.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58That's your wife Jools going into childbirth?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Yeah, I'm not sure she'd appreciate that one.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:05That's when she's in contractions.
0:07:05 > 0:07:13"Make sure you put this on Saturday night TV. Promise me one thing.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20"You make sure you take that photo. Take the photo... Argh!
0:07:20 > 0:07:24"Argh! Argh!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27"Take the... Take it of me now. Now.
0:07:27 > 0:07:33"Send it to Michael McIntyre, at the BBC.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36"Argh! Prime time!"
0:07:36 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:42She seems very relaxed about the whole situation.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44OK, let's get stuck into tonight's text. OK?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Absolutely beautiful.
0:07:46 > 0:07:51- So, messages.- Oh, God.- We're going to do something a little bit different tonight. OK?
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- We're actually going to send two texts.- Ouch.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58The first text is as follows.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00"Jools, babe...
0:08:00 > 0:08:05"kids all fed but I'm starving."
0:08:05 > 0:08:07LAUGHTER
0:08:07 > 0:08:12"Can you pick me up...
0:08:12 > 0:08:15"12 nuggets..."
0:08:15 > 0:08:18LAUGHTER
0:08:22 > 0:08:24"..a cheeseburger...
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"..a choc milkshake...
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- "and that..."- Oh, God.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35"flurry thing..."
0:08:35 > 0:08:38LAUGHTER "..I love?"
0:08:38 > 0:08:40LAUGHTER
0:08:42 > 0:08:45"XX." Right, we're going to send this text.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48"Jools, babe, kids all fed and I'm starving.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50"Can you pick me up 12 nuggets, a cheeseburger,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53"a choc milkshake and that flurry thing I love?"
0:08:53 > 0:08:58- Now, that text is going to be sent to everybody in Jamie's phone. - Oh, no!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00And then I'm going to send another text.
0:09:00 > 0:09:06- So that text is now being sent. - Oh, no!
0:09:06 > 0:09:11Now we're going to follow it up quickly with this one. "Oops! Sorry!"
0:09:11 > 0:09:12You've sent it already.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19"That text wasn't meant for you!
0:09:19 > 0:09:24"I need you to PROMISE..." -
0:09:24 > 0:09:28in capitals - "..me...
0:09:28 > 0:09:30"that you won't...
0:09:30 > 0:09:34"tell anybody about it."
0:09:34 > 0:09:36LAUGHTER
0:09:36 > 0:09:39APPLAUSE
0:09:41 > 0:09:46"Let me know! I'm panicking! Jamie."
0:09:48 > 0:09:51So we're going with the accidental sent one to everybody and
0:09:51 > 0:09:55then following it up with a personal, "Oops! Sorry! That text wasn't meant
0:09:55 > 0:09:58"for you! I need you to PROMISE me that you won't tell anybody about it.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02"Let me know! I'm panicking! Jamie."
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Could be career curtains?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:07So we're now going to send the follow-up text.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Are we happy with the follow-up?
0:10:09 > 0:10:10- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:10:10 > 0:10:11That's gone.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14APPLAUSE
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Let's see how that plays out. Jamie, it's not so bad.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20There's 20 years' worth of relationships on that phone
0:10:20 > 0:10:23and I'm a little bit worried about a few of them.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29I think you're an incredible sport for being here and allowing us to do this.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34Ladies and gentlemen, the fantastic Jamie Oliver. What a great sport! What a man!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Quite frankly, I don't think I've ever been more excited to
0:10:43 > 0:10:45welcome anybody onto my show.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I'm such a huge fan of this man since I was a kid.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I mean, seriously, he's an absolute legend.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54What more do I need to say than please welcome Sting!
0:10:54 > 0:10:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:02 > 0:11:05MUSIC: Message In A Bottle by Sting
0:11:06 > 0:11:11# Just a castaway An island lost at sea-oh
0:11:11 > 0:11:17# Another lonely day With no-one here but me-oh
0:11:18 > 0:11:23# More loneliness than any man could bear
0:11:25 > 0:11:30# Rescue me before I fall into despair
0:11:30 > 0:11:33# I'll send an SOS to the world
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- AUDIENCE:- # I'll send an SOS to the world
0:11:36 > 0:11:40# I hope that someone gets my
0:11:40 > 0:11:42# I hope that someone gets my
0:11:42 > 0:11:46# I hope that someone gets my
0:11:46 > 0:11:49# Message in a bottle Ooh
0:11:52 > 0:11:55# A message in a bottle, yeah
0:11:59 > 0:12:04# Walked out this morning I don't believe what I saw
0:12:05 > 0:12:11# A hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
0:12:11 > 0:12:15# Seems I'm not alone in being alone
0:12:17 > 0:12:23# A hundred billion castaways looking for a home
0:12:23 > 0:12:27# I'll send an SOS to the world
0:12:27 > 0:12:30# I'll send an SOS to the world
0:12:30 > 0:12:32# I hope that someone gets my
0:12:32 > 0:12:35# I hope that someone gets my
0:12:35 > 0:12:38# I hope that someone gets my
0:12:38 > 0:12:42# Message in a bottle, yeah
0:12:45 > 0:12:48# Message in a bottle
0:12:48 > 0:12:51# I'm sending out an SOS
0:12:51 > 0:12:54# I'm sending out an SOS
0:12:54 > 0:12:57# I'm sending out an SOS
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- AUDIENCE:- # I'm sending out an SOS
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- # Sending out - # Sending out an SOS
0:13:03 > 0:13:07# I'm sending out an SOS
0:13:07 > 0:13:10# I'm sending out an SOS
0:13:10 > 0:13:13# I'm sending out an SOS
0:13:13 > 0:13:15# Sending out an SOS
0:13:15 > 0:13:18# Sending out an SOS
0:13:18 > 0:13:21# I'm sending out an SOS
0:13:21 > 0:13:27# I'm sending out an SOS
0:13:29 > 0:13:36# He-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. #
0:13:36 > 0:13:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:44 > 0:13:48APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, what about that? Sting.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Message in a Bottle. Amazing.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Just before you go, I just wanted to tell you,
0:14:01 > 0:14:05which I probable shouldn't, about when I was a little boy in my bedroom.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08LAUGHTER
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- I used to try and impersonate one of your songs.- Mm-hmm.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15It would be a dream if we could just go through this little section.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17OK? So it's this bit.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19It's from So Lonely.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21It goes...
0:14:21 > 0:14:23HIGH PITCHED: # I feel so lonely. #
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Can I try? Any key.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I don't know anything about keys. Sorry.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28LAUGHTER
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I'm not a musician. Whatever key you want.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35# You look as if you're going somewhere
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- BOTH:- # So lonely So lonely
0:14:38 > 0:14:41# So lonely So lonely
0:14:41 > 0:14:43# I feel low I feel low
0:14:43 > 0:14:46# I feel so low I feel low, low, low
0:14:46 > 0:14:50# I feel low, low, low I feel low, low, low. #
0:14:50 > 0:14:52APPLAUSE
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Ladies and gentlemen, one more time, thank you so much for that,
0:14:55 > 0:14:57an absolute legend!
0:14:57 > 0:15:01It's Sting. Thank you. Really, really appreciate it.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to find out who is going
0:15:06 > 0:15:10to be our Unexpected Star Of The Show.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Yes.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17So this is tonight's Unexpected Star. There he is.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22His name is John Prescott, which is a little bit awkward.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:26He's 25 years old.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29He's from Somerset and he works for the council. There he is.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34John Prescott. Johnny. Now, John is a keen runner.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39In fact earlier this very morning, he ran half a marathon for charity
0:15:39 > 0:15:42and now he's come to London for what he thinks is
0:15:42 > 0:15:45a photo shoot and an interview about his running,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48but of course that is all lies, just so we can have some fun.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:51 > 0:15:55He is really here because he loves to sing, and tonight if everything
0:15:55 > 0:15:58goes to plan, he will become our Unexpected Star Of The Show.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03He has been nominated by his dad, Jeff, and his fiancee, Jess,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06who are both here, I believe, in the stalls.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10So I'm going to come and have a chat with them. Where is Jeff? Jeff and Jess. Jeff and Jess.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15Ladies and gentlemen, it's Jeff and Jess. There they are. Big night for him, big night.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16APPLAUSE
0:16:16 > 0:16:21So, tell me about your future husband.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25- He does a lot for charity, and he loves singing.- Yes, he's a nice man. He loves singing.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27He's been singing a lot for charity as well?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- Yeah, as much as he can. - What's the biggest gig he's played?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32What kind of gigs are they? I'm worried we've got the wrong person.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33He's not in Vegas, is he?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35LAUGHTER
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- 300...- Very local. - 300 people.- OK. So local gigs? - Yeah, local gigs.- Yes.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- So would this be a dream come true for him?- Very much so.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43And Dad, how do you think he's going to react to tonight's surprise?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- He will be absolutely gobsmacked, to be honest with you.- Yeah.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48So, ladies and gentlemen,
0:16:48 > 0:16:53big hand for Jeff and Jess, John's dad and fiancee.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:54 > 0:16:58I'll see you later on. Thank you so much. Thank you for nominating John.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04So, John is coming to our fake shop at the back of the theatre,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07and this is what it looked like earlier in the day, and tonight
0:17:07 > 0:17:11we've transformed it into a photography studio,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14so that is called Ted Star. See what we've done there?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17So, Ted Star is a fake photographer,
0:17:17 > 0:17:21and I think we can now go live next door.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23So, that is the current state of play.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26And that's John in the fluorescent! There he is.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28LAUGHTER
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- John isn't fully dressed! - Isn't this bonkers enough?- I know.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33LAUGHTER Oh!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Whoa! That is such a dangerous...shot.
0:17:39 > 0:17:44So we've zoomed in to save his modesty. OK, so that is John.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46He's been running... Don't!
0:17:46 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:50OK, so let's pull back, let's look at the rest of the room,
0:17:50 > 0:17:51and let's see what's going on here.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54So that is, that's Ted Star, can we get a shot of Ted,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56our fake photographer? OK, that's Ted.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59So you'll notice he's wearing his sort of groovy polo neck,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02and that beanie hat is covering an earpiece,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04and I can actually communicate with him.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06So, Ted, if you can hear me,
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- just point at that lady and go, "Looking good!"- Great.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Yeah, looking good.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:18 > 0:18:23OK. Now, Ted's assistant there with the clipboard is Gemma.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Er, Gemma, if you can hear me,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28can you pick your nose and just flick it?
0:18:28 > 0:18:29LAUGHTER
0:18:31 > 0:18:33APPLAUSE
0:18:33 > 0:18:34All-powerful.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Just go...
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Gemma, would you just go and let's have a quick chat with John, then,
0:18:39 > 0:18:43and see how he's getting on, and have a chat with him.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Dangerous.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- OK, so you're, um, you're up next. - Fine.- So I think they're just...
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Can I just ask you...? - Um, can I just ask you...?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- Are you a politician? - Are you a politician?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Are you, are you joking? Are you...? You're not joking, are you?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59It's just that your name rings a bell.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01It's just your name rings a bell.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03There was one called John Prescott.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- He punched a guy who threw an egg at him.- Right.- Yeah.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- And that wasn't you? - No, he's like 60, 70...
0:19:09 > 0:19:11LAUGHTER
0:19:11 > 0:19:15- So, are you a runner? Are you a runner?- And you're a runner?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- Yeah.- No, right. - When was the last time you ran?
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Yeah, yeah, I'm not a politician, no.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- So, when was the last time you ran? - This morning.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- This morning?- This morning?- Yeah.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- That's...- What did you run?- What did you run?- Bristol half marathon.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Bristol half marathon?- Yeah...- Why didn't you run the whole marathon?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32So why...?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Why did you do that? Why didn't you run the whole marathon?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- LAUGHTER - Cos it's just the Bristol Half Marathon.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40LAUGHTER
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Did you not...?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I mean, like... What I mean is, were all the other runners
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- running the whole thing and then you joined...? - LAUGHTER
0:19:49 > 0:19:51No, it's... The event's called the Bristol Half Marathon...
0:19:51 > 0:19:53OK, we should go over now. Let's go over now.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Let's go over, let's go over now, actually. OK. Um...
0:19:57 > 0:20:00OK, Ted, if you could introduce yourself to John.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01How are you, all right?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- This is my camera, introduce your camera.- This is my camera.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- Ask him to say hello to the camera. - Say hello to the camera.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Hello, camera.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09LAUGHTER
0:20:09 > 0:20:13So just tell him to relax, and just keep shooting and give him some instructions.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Maybe warm up, like pre-race, pre-race warm up.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18As if you're like pre-race, like, warm up as you would pre-race.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Yeah, yeah.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22CAMERA CLICKS AND LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- Beautiful.- Yeah.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26That's great. Other side.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Can I just ask you to jog on the spot?- OK, jog on the spot for me.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Jog on the spot. Imagine it's the Olympic Games.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Imagine it's the Olympic Games for me.- OK.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- And you're winning. - And you're winning.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Great, lovely. Yeah, yeah. That's lovely.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Imagine you've just been overtaken by a Kenyan.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- Now... - LAUGHTER
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Imagine you've just been overtaken by a Kenyan.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50CAMERA CLICKS
0:20:50 > 0:20:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Now imagine it's the Commonwealth Games.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Now imagine it's the Commonwealth Games.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:04And now switch to the World Championships.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06And now switch to the World Championships.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- Right, lovely, it's really good. - OK, brilliant.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Now, Mo Farah has the Mobot, what are your initials?- So...
0:21:14 > 0:21:17No, no, that's perfect. Lovely. Um...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- So, you know like Mo Farah has the Mobot?- Yeah.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Yeah, so what are your initials?- JP.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24JP, try and do a J with your body.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Try and do a J with your body for me.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29LAUGHTER
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Just try it. Do a J.- Do a J for me.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:35 > 0:21:39No, no, that's right. That's exactly the kind of thing I want.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40OK...
0:21:40 > 0:21:42CAMERA CLICKS AND LAUGHTER
0:21:42 > 0:21:46- Lovely.- OK, now I want to do is a shot that I've done before.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47- Now...- It's a forest run.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- So, we're going to do a shot, I've done this before... - It's a forest run.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53It involves the wind machine, and I need my assistant, Gemma.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- Gemma, you're going to help me with this, aren't you?- Yeah.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- I need you running on the spot. - I need you running on the spot for me,
0:21:58 > 0:22:04running on the spot for me, on your autumn run. And...one, two, three, autumn.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09- LAUGHTER - Autumn. Yes, autumn.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- That is lovely, that is really good. - It's going really well.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- This is going really well. - These shots are great.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16The shots are great, mate. Honestly.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- OK, last shot that I think I need... - OK...
0:22:18 > 0:22:21You know when you have a drink in the race, when you take a drink?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23This last shot, we're going to use is...
0:22:23 > 0:22:24So you know when you're running,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26and you grab a drink off the side...?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Yeah.- Yeah?- So, jog, start jogging. - So start jogging for me.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- OK, that's lovely.- Gemma, pass the glass in.- And the glass in.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35And take a little sip. Take a little sip, that's it, slowly.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- Keep jogging...- Keep jogging.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- Keep jogging and just hold that, look at it.- OK.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- Now throw it in your face. - Now throw it in your face.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Just throw it in your face. - LAUGHTER
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- Yes!- Yes, lovely. - APPLAUSE
0:22:46 > 0:22:49That was brilliant. That looks great, that was a great shot.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52That looks really good on camera. Keep jogging, keep jogging,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- it looks really good on camera. - Keep jogging, that's it.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- That's really good. - That's really good, mate.- All right.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59What a great sport John is. Unbelievable.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:01 > 0:23:02MICHAEL LAUGHS
0:23:02 > 0:23:04So, this is the corridor.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Erm, I'm going to show you,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08so this is where he's going to be brought up
0:23:08 > 0:23:12for his interview, Meeting Room Three. And I'll show you inside.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15There's a camera picking me up here. You can all see me, yes?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:23:17 > 0:23:20OK, so he's going to be taken down here, and he will have
0:23:20 > 0:23:22no idea what's going on, and he'll go to Meeting Room Three.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Right, so there he is, it's happening.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Oh, my God, he's still going to be in those tiny shorts.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31OK, let's bring him up.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Here we go.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35All right, it's on. OK.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37INDISTINCT VOICES
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- How are you, man, are you all right? - I'm good, mate. You?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- Yeah, yeah, I'm good. Thank you. OK.- Everybody, ssh!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- Thanks for coming down today... - Here it goes.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Our offices are down here.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Da-da-da...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57So it's just in there. It's the meeting room.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Just pop your head in. He'll see it when you go in.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- All right, mate.- I'll come and grab you in a bit when it's finished.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- OK, see you in a bit. Good luck. - Cheers, mate.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Whoa!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Ladies and gentlemen...
0:24:31 > 0:24:34..it's our Unexpected Star of the Show -
0:24:34 > 0:24:36John Prescott!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41John...
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Welcome, welcome!
0:24:43 > 0:24:44I know!
0:24:44 > 0:24:48I had no idea you were going to be wearing those shorts either.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I'm so sorry.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Please, preserve your modesty as I reveal to you,
0:24:54 > 0:24:56you are...
0:24:56 > 0:24:59You are in front of 2,000 people here.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04John, over there you can see your dad, Jeff, your fiancee, Jess.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- They're all in on this surprise. - This is mental!
0:25:09 > 0:25:13You were doing a little photography session next door.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Oh, no! No, no, no, no!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Let's go and have a look. Everybody, look up there.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22There they all are.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Those people...
0:25:28 > 0:25:29APPLAUSE
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Ted is not a photographer.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Gemma is not his assistant. None of those people are real.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37They're all actors here to have a little bit of fun tonight,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39and to give you a special surprise,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41because we understand you have a little bit of a hobby
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- that you enjoy...- Oh, no!
0:25:43 > 0:25:46..that might take place on stage.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- I've been told to stop doing that, actually.- Oh, OK.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Let's delay that decision. LAUGHTER
0:25:54 > 0:25:56What is it you like to do, John?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58- What would I like to do?! - What is it...
0:25:58 > 0:26:02No, what is it that you like to do in your spare time?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I'm not chatting you up!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10What do you enjoy doing... for hobbies?!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- I like to sing.- Ah...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Well... APPLAUSE
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Well...
0:26:22 > 0:26:25This is the reason you've been nominated
0:26:25 > 0:26:27by your father and your fiancee,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30because they wanted to give you this opportunity
0:26:30 > 0:26:32to perform on this West End stage
0:26:32 > 0:26:35for 2,500 incredibly supportive people that you have here tonight.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Don't worry, we've got wardrobe,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46we've got a whole production for you.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50All... You don't have to wear that, don't worry at all.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52All I need to ask you, John, is if you'll agree
0:26:52 > 0:26:55to be our Unexpected Star of tonight's show.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- Of course, yeah. Let's do it! - Come on!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Come on, Johnny! Amazing - thank you so, so much.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03OK, off you go this way.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Ladies and gentlemen, John Prescott, our Unexpected Star of the Show!
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Yeah!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13HE LAUGHS
0:27:13 > 0:27:15He is so fun!
0:27:17 > 0:27:19OK, I think he took it really well.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Can I just ask, actually, because it is a bit of a shock,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25if I can ask if Dad... Jeff, could you just go...?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28You're going to be taken round, and you're just going to be with him a bit,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30because then he's going to go into rehearsals and stuff.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Get rid of them shorts for a start!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35He's a bit nervous. But he's going to go and look after him.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40OK, ladies and gentlemen, Jeff, John's father, has gone backstage
0:27:40 > 0:27:42to be with John.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Now, let's actually bring John back on THIS stage.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49John, can I ask you to come back?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back John.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:55 > 0:28:00John, I'm here to reveal a little bit of a twist.
0:28:01 > 0:28:06While we were researching you with your father and your fiancee,
0:28:06 > 0:28:10- we found out that your dad likes to sing too, doesn't he?- Yeah, yeah.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14OK, well, we have a little bit of a surprise for him,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17and he's just been working with us to surprise you,
0:28:17 > 0:28:19and he's been very excited about that.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22He's been taken away, and he thinks he's going to visit you
0:28:22 > 0:28:23in the rehearsal room.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27But what's actually going to happen, John,
0:28:27 > 0:28:30is we're going to quickly change the door sign...
0:28:30 > 0:28:32LAUGHTER
0:28:34 > 0:28:38..and he's going to walk out and be another Unexpected Star of the Show!
0:28:38 > 0:28:40APPLAUSE
0:28:40 > 0:28:43All right. We've got to check the crew...
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Get the team in to change everything in this corridor.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Get rid of all the running signs.
0:28:48 > 0:28:49Here comes the carpet.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Drills are out, chaps, the drills!
0:28:52 > 0:28:54This is fantastic.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57All this will be on in the daytime in a DIY programme.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01John, are you feeling all right? I know it's a lot to take in.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06I tell you who's not feeling OK, that's the rest of his family.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08They're thinking, "I'm not going up there."
0:29:11 > 0:29:13OK, now, this is the fun bit.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16So this, of course, was meeting room three...
0:29:16 > 0:29:18LAUGHTER
0:29:19 > 0:29:22..and now it is the Unexpected Star rehearsal room.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30All right, so we've got all the crew in there,
0:29:30 > 0:29:32and they're pretending to be busy.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34They're just going to loiter there
0:29:34 > 0:29:36as if this is deep within the theatre, OK?
0:29:36 > 0:29:39So what I'm going to ask you to do...
0:29:39 > 0:29:40HE LAUGHS
0:29:40 > 0:29:44..is to do exactly the same. We're well versed in this now. Be completely quiet.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46You're now part of this show!
0:29:46 > 0:29:48And, of course, when Jeff comes out,
0:29:48 > 0:29:51I mean, literally, go nuts again. Oh, my God!
0:29:51 > 0:29:56We're just going to do this until everyone in the theatre...
0:29:56 > 0:29:58There'll just be one person at the back, "Am I next? OK..."
0:30:06 > 0:30:09OK, send him through, send him through. Shh, here we go.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12So, basically our camera crew...
0:30:16 > 0:30:19- Basically, we'll point you in the right direction.- OK.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21It's just down here.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24- If you just go through this door. - Right, OK.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27- He'll be on the other side for you. - OK.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:36 > 0:30:38What?!
0:30:38 > 0:30:40What?!
0:30:40 > 0:30:41What's happening here?!
0:30:43 > 0:30:44It's Dad!
0:30:44 > 0:30:46It's Dad!
0:30:48 > 0:30:49It's Dad,
0:30:49 > 0:30:52our Unexpected Unexpected Star of the Show!
0:30:55 > 0:30:57Whoa, Dad!
0:30:57 > 0:30:58- Now, Dad...- Yes?!
0:30:58 > 0:31:01- ..you know exactly why we're here tonight.- I certainly do.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03- Why are we here tonight? - To hear John sing.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05- To hear John sing.- That's right.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09I'm afraid John's not going to be singing on his own tonight, Dad.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12- Oh, no?!- It's time for a duet with your son John!
0:31:16 > 0:31:18How do you feel about that?
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Absolutely magnificent.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25You're going to be our Unexpected Unexpected Star of tonight's show.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28You are going to be duetting with your son over here.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31- How do you feel about that, John? - I can't wait, I can't wait.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34- OK. We have a whole production lined up for you...- Right.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37..and you're going to go backstage. Of course, it is a duet,
0:31:37 > 0:31:40and you're going to come out at the end of the show.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42You've got till the end of the show to get ready.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44How does it make you feel, this prospect?
0:31:44 > 0:31:47- A bit daunting, but why not? - Let's do it!- Yeah!
0:31:48 > 0:31:52Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for our Unexpected Stars
0:31:52 > 0:31:55of tonight's show. It's John and Jeff!
0:31:55 > 0:31:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Yay! All right, off you go, guys.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01I promise you, that's the last surprise.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03I'll see you later!
0:32:05 > 0:32:08All right, they'll be back at the end of the show for
0:32:08 > 0:32:09a real show-stopping moment.
0:32:09 > 0:32:14Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the always magnificent...
0:32:14 > 0:32:16Jack Whitehall's here!
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Hello!
0:32:25 > 0:32:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:30 > 0:32:33Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Are we well?!
0:32:38 > 0:32:40How wonderful to be here!
0:32:40 > 0:32:42Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to tell you something
0:32:42 > 0:32:45very exciting that happened to me the other day.
0:32:45 > 0:32:46I'm on a plane...
0:32:46 > 0:32:49On a plane and I look in front of me and the gentleman sat in front of me
0:32:49 > 0:32:53is watching me on the in-flight entertainment system.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57I was like, "I have made it. He's watching me at 30,000 feet.
0:32:57 > 0:32:58"How cool is that?
0:32:58 > 0:33:02"Better keep a low profile in case he comes over and asks for a selfie."
0:33:02 > 0:33:06Five minutes later, I watched him turn me off,
0:33:06 > 0:33:09- and put on the in-flight map. - LAUGHTER
0:33:11 > 0:33:13How bad a review is that?
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Here's a little bit of fun you can have in an airport.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17A little prank you can play, all right?
0:33:17 > 0:33:21Go to a fancy dress costume shop, hire yourself a pilot's outfit.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Get a real realistic pilot's outfit, sir,
0:33:24 > 0:33:26then head down to your local airport,
0:33:26 > 0:33:29sit in the bar, and get completely wasted.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31LAUGHTER
0:33:31 > 0:33:34Just watch people around you losing their minds.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37- SLURRED SPEECH: - "Hey, where are you going?
0:33:37 > 0:33:38"Ooh, that's my one!
0:33:38 > 0:33:42"Don't worry, I know a short cut."
0:33:45 > 0:33:49I get very scared on the plane, and they don't help us, do they?
0:33:49 > 0:33:51Like, the safety demonstration, can we drop that already?
0:33:51 > 0:33:55Why do we have to start every flight with their pantomime, entitled,
0:33:55 > 0:33:58"The Horrific Ways You Could Die On This Flight"?
0:33:58 > 0:34:00At least update it. Do you know what I mean?
0:34:00 > 0:34:03I get the life jacket, the oxygen mask, but can I speak for us all
0:34:03 > 0:34:07when I say, we have got the seatbelt fastening down.
0:34:07 > 0:34:08Don't show us any of it.
0:34:08 > 0:34:12We know, in 2016, that if something goes wrong with the plane,
0:34:12 > 0:34:14we're dead, right?
0:34:14 > 0:34:17Stop showing the emergency exits and the brace position.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19In 2016, the safety demonstration on a plane
0:34:19 > 0:34:22should be the air stewardess stood at the front,
0:34:22 > 0:34:25showing us how we can use one hand to preserve our dental records
0:34:25 > 0:34:27as we use another one to take out our phone
0:34:27 > 0:34:30and furiously delete our internet history.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35You do stuff on planes because there's a routine -
0:34:35 > 0:34:36no-one questions it.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38I'm the guy that questions it.
0:34:38 > 0:34:39I was on a plane the other day.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42I did something that I've done 100 times on a plane before -
0:34:42 > 0:34:44lifting up the blind for takeoff and landing,
0:34:44 > 0:34:47and for the first time ever, I decided that I would ask
0:34:47 > 0:34:49why I had to do that.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52It was a question that I regretted asking.
0:34:52 > 0:34:53Cos I fact-checked this.
0:34:53 > 0:34:57This is the genuine reason on the Civil Aviation website.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59I asked the stewardess, "Why do I have to lift up the blind
0:34:59 > 0:35:02"for takeoff or landing? She looked at me and went,
0:35:02 > 0:35:04"Well, sir, if something were to go wrong with the engine,
0:35:04 > 0:35:06"you are the pilot's eyes."
0:35:06 > 0:35:09LAUGHTER
0:35:10 > 0:35:11I beg your pardon?!
0:35:11 > 0:35:14I'm not ready for that responsibility!
0:35:15 > 0:35:18And no-one told me this when I purchased the ticket!
0:35:18 > 0:35:21I was very much under the impression that I was travelling in the
0:35:21 > 0:35:24capacity of passenger, not co-pilot!
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Have I given off any kind of vibe that I'd be your guy
0:35:27 > 0:35:30in that situation? Let's look at the evidence here -
0:35:30 > 0:35:32one, I'm slightly drunk,
0:35:32 > 0:35:35two, I've taken a sleeping pill,
0:35:35 > 0:35:38and three, I just cried whilst watching Inside Out.
0:35:40 > 0:35:41I'm not your guy.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43What happens if I DO see something wrong with the engine?
0:35:43 > 0:35:47Steam billowing out of it as we're nose-diving towards the ground.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50How does that scenario pan out in your mind?
0:35:50 > 0:35:53I'm meant to just amble up to the cockpit, am I?
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Pop my head through the door, "Awfully sorry, gents,
0:35:55 > 0:35:57"your eyes in the back here.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00"I don't know whether you're aware of this,
0:36:00 > 0:36:03"but one of the wings has fallen off.
0:36:03 > 0:36:04"You might want to buckle up -
0:36:04 > 0:36:07"I'll send someone through to show you how it's done."
0:36:07 > 0:36:10APPLAUSE
0:36:17 > 0:36:20Unfortunately, it's not just the plane, as well, where we experience
0:36:20 > 0:36:23this slapdash attitude towards safety.
0:36:23 > 0:36:27I was on a train the other day, and the train was on fire.
0:36:28 > 0:36:33I was sat in my seat, and I looked over into the vestibule area,
0:36:33 > 0:36:36and I saw some youths, and these youths had ripped out
0:36:36 > 0:36:38the backs of some of the seats,
0:36:38 > 0:36:42and they were putting them into a pile and setting light to it.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44So I saw this, and I thought,
0:36:44 > 0:36:48"I need to do something about that before it spreads to first class."
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Wafting it back with my complimentary copy of The Times.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58So I ran down the train, I found the ticket inspector.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01I ran up to him. I was like, "Mate, the train is on fire!"
0:37:01 > 0:37:05Anywhere else in the world, you say that to the ticket inspector -
0:37:05 > 0:37:09the correct response is, "Stand back, we need to put that out."
0:37:09 > 0:37:10Not in Britain.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13I ran up to this guy. I was like, "Mate, the train is on fire!"
0:37:13 > 0:37:14He went, "All right.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17"There's no need to raise your voice!"
0:37:17 > 0:37:18LAUGHTER
0:37:18 > 0:37:21There is every need to raise my voice.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25This is the exact scenario that raising your voice was designed for.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28Put down that ticket machine, we have got a fire to fight!
0:37:28 > 0:37:31All the other passengers are looking at me now thinking,
0:37:31 > 0:37:33"Who is this guy? Is it a bird, is it a plane?"
0:37:33 > 0:37:36No, they call me the train driver's eyes. Now, move!
0:37:37 > 0:37:39I literally couldn't get his attention.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41He couldn't care less.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43I was like, "What am I going to do?" I thought quick.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47What I told him caused him to turn from the fat controller
0:37:47 > 0:37:50into the Dark Knight like that.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52I was like, "Mate, one of the people setting fire to the train
0:37:52 > 0:37:55"was travelling on an outdated Young Person's Railcard."
0:37:55 > 0:37:56"Where is he?!"
0:38:00 > 0:38:03Ladies and gentlemen, you've been an absolute delight.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Thank you very much. Goodnight!
0:38:05 > 0:38:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Jack Whitehall, ladies and gentlemen!
0:38:12 > 0:38:15I really enjoyed that - it was awesome.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17What about that?!
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Now, ladies and gentlemen, the time has come.
0:38:24 > 0:38:30It is time to find out what replies Jamie has received
0:38:30 > 0:38:33from the texts I sent earlier into his phone.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37Let's just remind ourselves of the texts that were sent.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39The first text was:
0:38:48 > 0:38:50So that was sent off.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53I think people started responding to that one before I even sent
0:38:53 > 0:38:55this one, the second text:
0:39:04 > 0:39:06So, ladies and gentlemen, it's Jamie Oliver
0:39:06 > 0:39:09playing Send To All!
0:39:12 > 0:39:15So, we'll just go through 'em, Jamie, and see what happens.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18Let's start off with, "Have you lost your mind?" from Kim.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Oh, my God! That's my American PR.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22Your American PR.
0:39:22 > 0:39:26AMERICAN ACCENT: Have you lost your mind?
0:39:26 > 0:39:27That is so funny.
0:39:27 > 0:39:30Americans, they're very serious... "Have you lost your mind?"
0:39:30 > 0:39:32She's on the phone now to the whole of Hollywood -
0:39:32 > 0:39:34"Jamie Oliver's lost his mind.
0:39:35 > 0:39:39"He wants me to get him a McDonald's from LA. I don't understand."
0:39:41 > 0:39:43Who's Rozzie Batch?
0:39:43 > 0:39:44Ha!
0:39:44 > 0:39:48OK, so she's one of my senior nutritionists that works for us.
0:39:48 > 0:39:49Er...
0:39:50 > 0:39:52OK.
0:39:52 > 0:39:57She's gone, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Amazing."
0:39:57 > 0:39:59Then she sent a photo.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03"This was me and Lizzie on the McDonald's CCTV in Clapham
0:40:03 > 0:40:04"at 3am this morning."
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Can you see that?
0:40:11 > 0:40:16And she's put the emoji of the zip shut.
0:40:18 > 0:40:22OK, Dermot O'Leary. Just two words - "Watertight, brother."
0:40:25 > 0:40:27Orlando Bloom.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30Hollywood is calling.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33"Hahaha, can she pick me up one of those flurry things too?
0:40:33 > 0:40:35From Orlando.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38- He's probably naked.- I think she probably would for him.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43- "Flemyng iPhone"? - Jason Flemyng, the actor.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46"Love you, chum, I'll get you a Flurry any time."
0:40:48 > 0:40:49See, it's all man love.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51"I realise you actually wanted a McFlurry.
0:40:51 > 0:40:55"I'm on my way to yours now. Stay up."
0:40:58 > 0:41:00Hurry up! I'm texting him back, "Hurry up."
0:41:00 > 0:41:02LAUGHTER
0:41:05 > 0:41:06He's en route!
0:41:08 > 0:41:10- Did Jools get it?- Yeah. - What did she say?
0:41:10 > 0:41:13All right, I can find Jools down here.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16Oh, my goodness, does she not know what you're doing?
0:41:17 > 0:41:19"Thought you were on a diet."
0:41:21 > 0:41:23Oh, there's more, it's gold.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26"I have that beef stew thing in the fridge,
0:41:26 > 0:41:29"can put that on with some rice but don't be later than 10:00
0:41:29 > 0:41:31"cos I really want to go to sleep.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33"I love you."
0:41:33 > 0:41:37She was actually going to go and get this food!
0:41:37 > 0:41:41And then she sent another text going, "Why are you panicking? Xxx"
0:41:41 > 0:41:46And then she sent another text that says, "What's the fluffy thing?"
0:41:48 > 0:41:52And a heart! You've got such a sweet relationship!
0:41:52 > 0:41:53I've actually gone really red.
0:41:53 > 0:41:58She was going to go and get all that stuff for you. "Jools, babe."
0:41:58 > 0:42:00"I thought you were on a diet"!
0:42:02 > 0:42:04- That's hilarious.- So sweet.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07- Alfie Deyes.- Yeah, blogger, vlogger. - WHOOPING
0:42:07 > 0:42:09Alfie Deyes, people know about Alfie Deyes.
0:42:09 > 0:42:15"On my way to deliver it to you. Wait, only 12 nuggets?
0:42:15 > 0:42:17"Last time you smashed 24."
0:42:18 > 0:42:21CHEERING
0:42:21 > 0:42:22"Smashed"!
0:42:26 > 0:42:28I'm going again. "36 and hurry up."
0:42:31 > 0:42:34- I've got the munchies. - So many people are coming round.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38There's going to be so many nuggets in your house!
0:42:38 > 0:42:41And poor Jools is sitting there with the stew going,
0:42:41 > 0:42:43"I don't know what's happened to him.
0:42:43 > 0:42:47"I don't know what's going on - I thought the stew would be enough.
0:42:47 > 0:42:51"I've now got 192 nuggets and people we haven't spoken to in years."
0:42:56 > 0:42:57Babyface - who's Babyface?
0:42:57 > 0:43:00Dexter Fletcher, the actor. What did he say?
0:43:00 > 0:43:02- GRUFFLY:- "What's going on, J?"
0:43:02 > 0:43:05He's gone, "Ah, got you! I knew it."
0:43:06 > 0:43:09"Fine, I'll keep your secret but you have to promise to come over
0:43:09 > 0:43:11"in the week and cook my nan a curry."
0:43:11 > 0:43:13MICHAEL LAUGHS
0:43:13 > 0:43:14APPLAUSE
0:43:18 > 0:43:21Oh, it's the funniest text.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24From John Taxi. John Taxi?
0:43:24 > 0:43:27Yeah, he just lives in the village.
0:43:27 > 0:43:31- Back home in London? - In Essex, yeah.- He's from Essex?
0:43:31 > 0:43:32If he knows, everyone knows, OK?
0:43:35 > 0:43:37So John Taxi has said,
0:43:37 > 0:43:42"I've screenshot it - it's on Twitter, mate.
0:43:42 > 0:43:44"You just made me a millionaire."
0:43:44 > 0:43:47What an absolutely wonderful Send To All.
0:43:47 > 0:43:51Ladies and gentlemen, please,
0:43:51 > 0:43:54all your love for the amazing Jamie Oliver!
0:43:54 > 0:43:58CHEERING
0:43:58 > 0:44:00What a fantastic sport.
0:44:01 > 0:44:03Now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:44:03 > 0:44:07it is time for a very special music performance.
0:44:07 > 0:44:12Here performing a track from his debut album Life On The Road,
0:44:12 > 0:44:15it's David Brent and Foregone Conclusion.
0:44:15 > 0:44:18CHEERING
0:44:20 > 0:44:22Yeah!
0:44:28 > 0:44:30Big-time.
0:44:31 > 0:44:32Fashion, innit?
0:44:34 > 0:44:40This song is about the best town in the world. Yeah, Slough, yeah.
0:44:40 > 0:44:43And everything in this song is factually accurate,
0:44:43 > 0:44:45so you might learn summat.
0:44:45 > 0:44:47Listen. Yeah? Hit it.
0:44:50 > 0:44:54INTRO ON STRINGS PLAYS
0:45:14 > 0:45:18# More convenient than a Tesco Express
0:45:18 > 0:45:21# Close to Windsor but the property's less
0:45:21 > 0:45:24# It keeps the businesses of Britain great
0:45:24 > 0:45:28# It's got Europe's biggest trading estate
0:45:28 > 0:45:31# It doesn't matter where you're from
0:45:31 > 0:45:35# You want to work, then come along
0:45:35 > 0:45:38# The station's just got a new floor
0:45:38 > 0:45:43# And the motorway runs by your door
0:45:43 > 0:45:48# And you know just where you're heading
0:45:48 > 0:45:54# It's equidistant 'tween London and Reading
0:45:55 > 0:45:56# Whoa, Slough
0:45:57 > 0:45:59# Slough
0:45:59 > 0:46:01# My kind of town
0:46:01 > 0:46:04# I don't know how
0:46:06 > 0:46:08# Anyone could put you down
0:46:08 > 0:46:11# Whoa, Slough
0:46:11 > 0:46:12# Slough
0:46:12 > 0:46:14# My kind of town
0:46:14 > 0:46:17# I don't know how
0:46:19 > 0:46:22# Anyone could put you down
0:46:22 > 0:46:25# To the west you've got Taplow and Bray
0:46:25 > 0:46:29# You've got Hillingdon the other way
0:46:29 > 0:46:32# It's a brilliant place to live and work
0:46:32 > 0:46:36# It was in Bucks now officially it's Berks
0:46:36 > 0:46:39# Don't believe what the critics say
0:46:39 > 0:46:42# Like it's soulless and boring and grey
0:46:42 > 0:46:45# See for yourself - what you waiting for?
0:46:45 > 0:46:49# We're on the Bath Road - that's the A4
0:46:51 > 0:46:54# And you know just where you're heading
0:46:56 > 0:47:01# It's equidistant 'tween London and Reading
0:47:02 > 0:47:05# Whoa, Slough
0:47:05 > 0:47:06# Slough
0:47:06 > 0:47:08# My kind of town
0:47:08 > 0:47:12# I don't know how
0:47:13 > 0:47:15# Anyone could put you down
0:47:15 > 0:47:18# Whoa, Slough
0:47:18 > 0:47:20# Slough
0:47:20 > 0:47:22# My kind of town
0:47:22 > 0:47:25# I don't know how
0:47:27 > 0:47:29# Anyone could put you down
0:47:29 > 0:47:32# Whoa, Slough
0:47:32 > 0:47:34# Slough
0:47:34 > 0:47:36# My kind of town
0:47:36 > 0:47:39# I don't know how
0:47:40 > 0:47:44# Anyone could put you down
0:47:44 > 0:47:46# Slough
0:47:50 > 0:47:52# Slough
0:47:57 > 0:47:59# Slough
0:48:03 > 0:48:07# Whoa, Slough. #
0:48:12 > 0:48:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:48:15 > 0:48:16Yeah!
0:48:23 > 0:48:31Ladies and gentlemen, David Brent and his band, Foregone Conclusion.
0:48:33 > 0:48:36Unbelievable performance. What about that?
0:48:36 > 0:48:40CHEERING
0:48:40 > 0:48:41# Whoa, Slough... #
0:48:41 > 0:48:45It's one of the catchiest songs in the world. OK.
0:48:45 > 0:48:46Ladies and gentlemen,
0:48:46 > 0:48:49earlier tonight we surprised John, who arrived for a photo shoot
0:48:49 > 0:48:52at our fake photography studio next door to the theatre.
0:48:52 > 0:48:55Then we surprised his dad, who thought he was just here to support
0:48:55 > 0:48:58his son, but we had different ideas.
0:48:58 > 0:49:00Let's see how their night has unfolded.
0:49:02 > 0:49:06I had the most bonkers photo shoot. I had leaves thrown at me.
0:49:06 > 0:49:08I had to chuck water in my face. I thought it was a dream.
0:49:08 > 0:49:09I actually thought it was a dream.
0:49:09 > 0:49:12I walked out and I thought I'd walked into a dream.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14CHEERING
0:49:15 > 0:49:19I was taken out supposedly to go and support John in his stage
0:49:19 > 0:49:22performance and I end up on the stage myself.
0:49:27 > 0:49:28Which is unreal.
0:49:28 > 0:49:32And they're now going to take us off and do some choreography and sort
0:49:32 > 0:49:33out the song.
0:49:36 > 0:49:41- Probably change...- Those shorts... - As lovely as these are.
0:49:41 > 0:49:45Well, it's double trouble today, we've got father and son.
0:49:45 > 0:49:48I know all the words, but not necessarily in the right order.
0:49:49 > 0:49:53- It's going to be fantastic. - You don't often get to sing with your dad.
0:49:53 > 0:49:56To sing on a professional stage with professional people is
0:49:56 > 0:49:57everybody's ambition.
0:49:57 > 0:49:59Jeff, you're looking gorgeous.
0:49:59 > 0:50:01It's not very often you live your dream, is it?
0:50:01 > 0:50:05- And we're doing it tonight.- One of the luckiest guys alive right now!
0:50:05 > 0:50:08If I'm singing and I'm singing at the wrong point, then you just
0:50:08 > 0:50:10- sing over anyway, and that's fine. - Yeah.
0:50:10 > 0:50:14- And then we'll work it out together. - We always do.- We always do.
0:50:14 > 0:50:16- Yeah. And I'm so proud of you. - I'm so proud of you!
0:50:17 > 0:50:19- It'll be great.- It'll be fantastic.
0:50:19 > 0:50:20- We'll nail it.- We will.
0:50:24 > 0:50:26Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the performance of
0:50:26 > 0:50:29our Unexpected Stars of the Show!
0:50:29 > 0:50:31CHEERING
0:50:31 > 0:50:34Please give all your love to father and son -
0:50:34 > 0:50:36it's John and Jeff Prescott.
0:50:36 > 0:50:38CHEERING
0:50:46 > 0:50:48MUSIC: "Come Fly With Me"
0:50:49 > 0:50:54# Come fly with me Let's fly, let's fly away... #
0:50:54 > 0:50:56CHEERING
0:50:56 > 0:51:00# If you can use some exotic booze
0:51:00 > 0:51:03# There's a bar in far Bombay
0:51:03 > 0:51:10# Come fly with me We'll fly, we'll fly away
0:51:10 > 0:51:15# Come fly with me Let's float down to Peru... #
0:51:15 > 0:51:17CHEERING
0:51:17 > 0:51:21# In llama land there's a one-man band
0:51:21 > 0:51:25# And he'll toot his flute for you
0:51:25 > 0:51:30# Come fly with me Let's float down to the blue
0:51:31 > 0:51:34# Once I get you up there
0:51:34 > 0:51:39# Where the air is rarefied
0:51:39 > 0:51:43# You will glide
0:51:43 > 0:51:45# Starry-eyed
0:51:45 > 0:51:48# Once I get you up there
0:51:48 > 0:51:54BOTH: # I'll be holding you so near
0:51:54 > 0:51:56# You may hear
0:51:56 > 0:52:00# The angels cheer because we're together
0:52:00 > 0:52:05# Weather-wise it's such a lovely day
0:52:07 > 0:52:10# You just say the words and we'll beat the birds
0:52:10 > 0:52:14# Down to Acapulco Bay
0:52:14 > 0:52:21# It is perfect for a flying honeymoon, they say
0:52:21 > 0:52:27# Come fly with me Let's fly, let's fly
0:52:27 > 0:52:35# Pack up, let's fly away. #
0:52:37 > 0:52:39And don't tell your mama!
0:52:39 > 0:52:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:52:57 > 0:52:58Ladies and gentlemen,
0:52:58 > 0:53:03it's our Unexpected Stars of tonight's show, John and Jeff!
0:53:03 > 0:53:07# Pack up, let's fly away. #
0:53:07 > 0:53:12Guys, what... What has the last hour been like for you?
0:53:12 > 0:53:14This is...
0:53:14 > 0:53:16- It's amazing.- This is the most special day of my entire life.
0:53:16 > 0:53:20- Honestly. - APPLAUSE
0:53:20 > 0:53:22Lovely. Dad?
0:53:23 > 0:53:29Yes, it's also the best day of my life, though...
0:53:29 > 0:53:32when he turned up, that was very special as well.
0:53:32 > 0:53:34And his twin sister, Natalie, who's down there.
0:53:34 > 0:53:37No, you're right, you've got to get that out. Absolutely.
0:53:37 > 0:53:40Listen, John and Jeff, you've been absolutely fantastic,
0:53:40 > 0:53:42we've had so much fun having you here.
0:53:42 > 0:53:44I am so glad that you've had such a wonderful time.
0:53:44 > 0:53:48One more time, please, for our Unexpected Stars of tonight's show.
0:53:48 > 0:53:50It's John and Jeff Prescott!
0:53:50 > 0:53:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:54:00 > 0:54:04We've still got time for one more treat!
0:54:04 > 0:54:08Here, playing us out, it's the real Sting!
0:54:08 > 0:54:10CHEERING
0:54:16 > 0:54:20- MUSIC:- "I Can't Stop Thinking About You" by Sting
0:54:24 > 0:54:27# White page An empty field of snow
0:54:27 > 0:54:30# My room is 25 below
0:54:30 > 0:54:33# This cold man chasing ghosts
0:54:33 > 0:54:38# A road lies underneath the buried posts
0:54:38 > 0:54:41# Dogs search the under forest
0:54:41 > 0:54:43# We scour the empty streets
0:54:43 > 0:54:48# The fact remains until we find you
0:54:48 > 0:54:52# Our lives are incomplete
0:54:52 > 0:54:56# Do I hear laughter through a veil of snow and ice?
0:54:58 > 0:55:04# Where could you be on such a lonely winter's night?
0:55:06 > 0:55:09# I can't stop thinking about you
0:55:09 > 0:55:12# I can't stop wanting you this way
0:55:12 > 0:55:16# I can't face living without you
0:55:16 > 0:55:19# That's why I'm searching night and day
0:55:19 > 0:55:23# This heart's a lonely hunter
0:55:23 > 0:55:26# These hands are frozen fists
0:55:26 > 0:55:29# I can't stop thinking about you
0:55:29 > 0:55:33# I don't care if you exist
0:55:33 > 0:55:38# Do I hear laughter from behind this veil of midnight?
0:55:40 > 0:55:45# What are you hiding in the frozen heart of winter?
0:55:47 > 0:55:48# Somewhere a church bell tolls
0:55:50 > 0:55:53# I know you're close your scent's still warm
0:55:53 > 0:55:58# Then the trail turns cold, cold, cold
0:55:58 > 0:56:01# I can't stop thinking about you
0:56:01 > 0:56:04# I can't stop wanting you this way
0:56:04 > 0:56:08# I can't face living without you
0:56:08 > 0:56:11# That's why I'm searching night and day
0:56:11 > 0:56:15# This heart's a lonely hunter
0:56:15 > 0:56:18# These hands are frozen fists
0:56:18 > 0:56:21# I can't stop thinking about you
0:56:21 > 0:56:25# I don't care if you exist
0:56:25 > 0:56:31# Do I hear laughter in the silence of the snow?
0:56:32 > 0:56:37# I know you're hiding in this frozen heart of winter
0:56:38 > 0:56:42# The midnight church bell tolls
0:56:42 > 0:56:45# I know you're close Your scent's still warm
0:56:45 > 0:56:50# Then the trail turns cold, cold, cold
0:56:50 > 0:56:53# I can't stop thinking about you
0:56:53 > 0:56:57# I can't stop wanting you this way
0:56:57 > 0:57:00# I can't face living without you
0:57:00 > 0:57:04# That's why I'm searching night and day
0:57:04 > 0:57:07# This heart's a lonely hunter
0:57:07 > 0:57:10# These hands are frozen fists
0:57:10 > 0:57:14# I can't stop thinking about you
0:57:14 > 0:57:17# I don't care if you exist
0:57:17 > 0:57:21# I can't stop thinking about you
0:57:21 > 0:57:24# I can't stop wanting you this way
0:57:24 > 0:57:28# I can't face living without you
0:57:28 > 0:57:34# I can't stop wanting you. #
0:57:34 > 0:57:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:57:45 > 0:57:47If you know somebody you'd like to nominate
0:57:47 > 0:57:50to be an Unexpected Star of the Show for the next series...
0:57:53 > 0:57:57..or, in fact, want to nominate someone for ANY surprise...
0:57:57 > 0:57:59This is the most embarrassing thing!
0:57:59 > 0:58:01..please go to...
0:58:03 > 0:58:04..for all the details.