0:00:11 > 0:00:13Tonight on my Big Show...
0:00:13 > 0:00:18..Ed Balls hands over his mobile phone to play Send To All.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20There's music from Emeli Sande,
0:00:20 > 0:00:23and hilarious comedy from Joe Lycett.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Introducing the Midnight Gameshow,
0:00:26 > 0:00:31and, who will be tonight's Unexpected Star of the show?
0:00:33 > 0:00:38Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show!
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45CHEERING
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Yay!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Hello! Hi!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Hiya!
0:01:08 > 0:01:13Good evening! And welcome to a brand-new series of my Big Show!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15CHEERING
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Yay!
0:01:18 > 0:01:23So, over the next six weeks we will, of course, have big stars,
0:01:23 > 0:01:25big laughs,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27and big surprises!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Send To All is back!
0:01:34 > 0:01:38We will also have the Unexpected Star of the show returning!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40CHEERING
0:01:40 > 0:01:42If that wasn't enough,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46I'll be introducing also to you the Midnight Gameshow!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:01:50 > 0:01:51So, how did you get here tonight?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Who came by public transport? Public transport, people?
0:01:54 > 0:01:55CHEERING
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Oh, very good. Drivers? Drivers in the house?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00CHEERING
0:02:00 > 0:02:03I think British people are the best drivers in the world.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Yes, give yourselves a round of applause.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11We can adjust to the different strengths of rain
0:02:11 > 0:02:15with our windscreen wipers like nobody else on Earth.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18There's one, that's the first level. One.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Sort of like a quite constant, not too fast, that's the first.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Little bit of light, light rain.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Let's go for one. Then you can go up to two.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Two is a little bit faster, it's not the maximum, you make the decision,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30you're like, it's got a little bit stronger,
0:02:30 > 0:02:32and I've decided to go to two.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Then the maximum, huge rain.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34You can't even believe the rain.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I'm going all the way, I'm going all the way.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39You can't even believe how hard they are working!
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Everywhere but there, just that little bit at the bottom,
0:02:42 > 0:02:43they can't reach that,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45the frustrating little triangle at the bottom.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Work away. It's really raining, guys.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49But our favourite speed,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51and I think I speak for all of us when I say this,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I believe to be the intermittent setting.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58There's something so fun about waiting as the rain builds on your
0:02:58 > 0:03:01windscreen, not knowing whether you have made the right decision.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Should I go to one? Should I go to one?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08It's blurring, it's smudging, I'm losing vision.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11It's raining heavier. I'm going to hold on... Should I hold on?
0:03:11 > 0:03:12I'm going to hold on!
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Clear.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Oh! The thrill!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17And the rebuild begins.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22But our favourite button in the car,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and again I'll speak for all of us when I say this,
0:03:24 > 0:03:25is the hazard warning light.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29There's something very exciting about that little red triangle
0:03:29 > 0:03:31in the corner, when you push it, when you become a hazard.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33You think, "I'm a hazard!" You feel quite excited.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36"I must warn everybody that I'm a hazard now.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39"I've broken down." It starts flashing in the car,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41and then everything's working, all the indicators.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44"We're a hazard! Yes, I've done the right thing.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45"I've done the right thing."
0:03:45 > 0:03:48But we've interpreted the hazard in other times in our life.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50A fun one is on the motorway when you hit traffic.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52You're all going 80mph, then suddenly there's traffic,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54you have to slow down.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56"That was dangerous. I went from high-speed to nothing!"
0:03:56 > 0:03:59But your thought is no longer with yourself.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Your thought is with everybody behind you.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04"I must warn them! I must warn them of the danger that lies ahead!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"And I will use my hazard warning.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09"Can you see me? Can you see that you must slow down?"
0:04:09 > 0:04:11You're looking in your rear-view mirror...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13"Have you clocked me yet, my friend?"
0:04:13 > 0:04:16It's a lovely moment, they're like, "I see you!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18"I shall warn the one behind. I'm warning!"
0:04:19 > 0:04:22You even feel quite excited when you see it in the distance...
0:04:22 > 0:04:24"Oh! We're working as a team!
0:04:24 > 0:04:25"I'm coming, I'm coming!"
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Also to thank people, that's a big thank you, isn't it?
0:04:34 > 0:04:35That's the biggest thank you.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Sometimes you acknowledge them with your hand,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40you flash if they're in front of you to thank them.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Letting people in in traffic is a big part.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Once you've decided to stop your life to let somebody in,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47you see them edging, they're edging, and you're like, "Shall I?"
0:04:47 > 0:04:49You contemplate it. "Shall I?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51"Yes, I will, to allow the free flow of traffic,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54"I will stop my life. Yes, you. You should come in.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56"You can go first.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58"Go on, off you go. Yes, I'm a very generous person.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01"Only one! Only one!"
0:05:02 > 0:05:04There's always some sneaky...
0:05:04 > 0:05:07There's a sneaky one, that goes, "Oh, I might tag in."
0:05:07 > 0:05:10"No, no, no, whoa! No tagging in, my friend.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13"I am generous to the tune of one vehicle."
0:05:13 > 0:05:16And they go, and you wait to be thanked.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18You're burning a hole in their head.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22"I stopped my life for this, I'm expecting some form of gratitude."
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Sometimes it never comes. "I can't believe that!
0:05:25 > 0:05:29"I regret my decision. I should never have let that rude person in."
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Sometimes you try to overtake them, just to look at them,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34"What is wrong with you?!
0:05:34 > 0:05:36"Rude person!"
0:05:36 > 0:05:39But the hazard thank you is the biggest thank you,
0:05:39 > 0:05:40when someone lets you in.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42You come in, they let you in,
0:05:42 > 0:05:46and you can feel them burning a hole in your head, waiting for gratitude.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49You're like, "You think I'm not grateful!
0:05:49 > 0:05:50"You think I'm not grateful!
0:05:50 > 0:05:52"But I am grateful!
0:05:52 > 0:05:57"Just a little delay as I located the red triangle!"
0:06:00 > 0:06:03You can't get more grateful than the hazard thank you.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Ladies and gentlemen,
0:06:07 > 0:06:10it is time to play Send To All!
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Yes, this is where I take a celebrity's mobile telephone
0:06:17 > 0:06:20and send a text of our choosing to all the contacts in it
0:06:20 > 0:06:23and we see what hilarious replies they get
0:06:23 > 0:06:25towards the end of the show.
0:06:25 > 0:06:31So, let's find out who is in our Send To All box this week.
0:06:31 > 0:06:36Ladies and gentlemen, we have a gentleman from the political realm.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40A gentleman that has been associated with politics,
0:06:40 > 0:06:45but now he has moved into the show business stratosphere.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48# Oppan Gangnam style... #
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, it's Ed Balls, Ballsy!
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Yay!
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Ed Balls is here!
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Yay! How are you Ed Balls Ballsy?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Where's your wife? Where's Yvette?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Yvette is down at the conference in Brighton this weekend, so...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Oh, the Labour Party conference? - Yes.- What's that like?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Personally, I'm very pleased to be here at the Michael McIntyre show.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Yay!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Me too! Me too!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Now, your life has changed so much, now you're cool,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26because people in politics aren't so cool, you are cool.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I heard that you went to Glastonbury this year, is that right?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- I did, I did. - Well, that's the epitome of cool.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- How was it? - I actually really enjoyed it.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38I saw the Jackson...Four, and they were really good.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43The Jackson Four?!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Well...
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I've got a lot of recorded stuff to catch up on, I haven't heard.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50And you're a big fan of football as well?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- Yes.- Norwich, still affiliated? - Norwich City, yeah.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Championship football club, great history.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57And Delia, of course, is the chairman.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- No, I'm the chairman. - You're the chairman of the club?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- I am the chairman of the football club.- You go to every game?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Every single game, home and away. I've supported it all my life.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I was born there, so it's a dream come true.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Ah! Thank you so, so much for being here.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I haven't asked you who you're with?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I am with Balshan, who's a very old friend of mine,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17we've worked together for years, and her husband Joe,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- and big fans of yours, as of course I am.- That is a very good tactic.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26So, if you would like to place your mobile telephone
0:08:26 > 0:08:28into our little cushion there.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31And of course, there's no prizes for guessing
0:08:31 > 0:08:33what music we may have selected.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37In fact, audience, we might as well have a mass Gangnam Style.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Ed, could you just teach us briefly the fundamentals of Gangnam style?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- So, first of all... - Yes, up you get.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Right, so the hands are slightly separated. Oh, and then up?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51CHEERING
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Off he goes. Wow!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59OK. Everybody on their feet, why not? Let's do this.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02If we're going to do it, do it properly. All right.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05All right, here we go.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09MUSIC: Gangnam Style by PSY
0:09:09 > 0:09:11# Gangnam Style
0:09:13 > 0:09:14# Gangnam Style
0:09:14 > 0:09:16# He-e-e-e-y
0:09:16 > 0:09:18# Sexy lady... #
0:09:21 > 0:09:22MUSIC STOPS
0:09:22 > 0:09:24CHEERING
0:09:27 > 0:09:30All right, ladies and gentlemen, I am now in possession of Ed Balls's
0:09:30 > 0:09:33mobile telephone. It is in my possession and I will treat it
0:09:33 > 0:09:38with the respect that the man deserves.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41There it is.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47This is good. Reuters, the Guardian, the FT. A good range. The Economist.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- Good.- Very good. NatWest bank.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I won't go into your bank right now.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Ocado, quite middle-class, shop on-the-fly.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Oh, yes. There is a delivery. It's coming.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02You've got some savings there.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Very good. More than you offered us when you were Shadow Chancellor.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Charlie Bingham, chicken korma. Fine green beans.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Yummy, yummy, yummy, Eddie.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22Two salmon skinless mid tail fillets. Don't mind if I do!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24That's the way. Cooking for one.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I'll save the other one, freeze it for tomorrow, yeah?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- You're a cook, aren't you? I can tell.- Yeah,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36- and I do the Ocado shopping every week.- Well, how brave.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41That's the most middle-class sentence I've ever heard.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46"I'm absolutely exhausted. I do the Ocado shop online every week."
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Do you mind, Ed, if I have a little look at your photos?
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Cos that's always a bit of fun.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57OK, all right. There's a lot of eating going on here.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58A little bit of barbecuing.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Oh, OK. Has your shirt split open?
0:11:02 > 0:11:07- Yeah, I should have edited these photos, really.- Yeah, that's...
0:11:07 > 0:11:11I was on It Takes Two, and they said that you shouldn't wear a jacket.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14You should come in leisurewear. I've never worn smart casual before.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17I bought the shirt, which in retrospect was a mistake,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20because it turned out to be what's called tailored fit,
0:11:20 > 0:11:24which was totally bursting. I looked absolutely terrible and then
0:11:24 > 0:11:27the wardrobe person ran on with a pair of scissors and cut my shirt
0:11:27 > 0:11:30all the way up the back, and relaxed my front, which from behind
0:11:30 > 0:11:33was quite exposed.
0:11:33 > 0:11:39Most people call it "too small" but you've opted for "tailored fit".
0:11:40 > 0:11:43OK, well, I think... Whoa! OK.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49That is a... In fact, that is...
0:11:53 > 0:11:58..I... I...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00The audience are having so much fun
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- I might just sit on this for a while.- On that one, you've got
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- to zone in a bit. Can you do that... - Sure, I wouldn't mind that at all.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I think that's exactly what the viewers want.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10In fact, I forgot we can zoom in.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- I'm going to go back to the other one.- No, no, no.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Come on. We might as well have some fun.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20No, no, I'm kidding. You told me to zoom in.
0:12:20 > 0:12:26No, no, I had a spray tan but I only had the top half.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- Oh, right, yes. - And that is the line.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32That is good. And those tracksuit bottoms are..
0:12:32 > 0:12:34..shall we say...
0:12:34 > 0:12:37..shall we say, "tailored fit"?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45All right, well, thank you so much, Ed.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Please don't panic.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52So the text I'm going to send in Ed Balls's phone is as follows.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55"Just had new
0:12:55 > 0:12:58"hot tub delivered.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02"Yvette's at the party conference..."
0:13:02 > 0:13:05LAUGHTER No, no, no, don't go there.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08It's not there. Trust me, you'll like it.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12"So I'm having
0:13:12 > 0:13:15"a party
0:13:15 > 0:13:18"of my own.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22"Anton du Beke
0:13:22 > 0:13:23"is here.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29"Delia is doing canapes.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35"And Stormzy is coming."
0:13:39 > 0:13:42In brackets - this is fun, you'll like this.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44"Met him at Glasto!"
0:13:48 > 0:13:50"Top guy."
0:13:55 > 0:13:59"Grab your swimsuit and get down here...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01"..Gangnam style."
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Hold on, I've spelt Stormzy wrong. Stormzy's coming, yeah?
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- All right. How would you sign a text?- I think I would say...
0:14:15 > 0:14:18"Best, Ed."
0:14:18 > 0:14:19That's not a code?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22You haven't said, "If I ever text you
0:14:22 > 0:14:27" 'Best, Ed,' send in MI5"?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33"Just had a new hot tub delivered. Yvette's at the party conference
0:14:33 > 0:14:35"so I'm having a party of my own. Anton do Beck is here.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38"Delia is doing canapes and Stormzy's coming.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39"Met him at Glasto. Top guy.
0:14:39 > 0:14:45"Grab your swimsuit and get down here, Gangnam style. Best, Ed."
0:14:45 > 0:14:48That has...
0:14:51 > 0:14:54It's party time at Ballsy's house!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Woohoo!
0:14:57 > 0:15:03And, of course, we'll be finding out what hilarious replies Ed gets later
0:15:03 > 0:15:05in the show. Ed Balls, Ballsy!
0:15:07 > 0:15:09OK, thank you, thank you.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17I am now absolutely delighted to introduce an incredibly phenomenally
0:15:17 > 0:15:21talented singer and the winner indeed of this year's Brit Award
0:15:21 > 0:15:25for the Best Female Solo Artist.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30It is of course the wonderful Emeli Sande.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48# Yeah-eah-eah
0:15:48 > 0:15:50# Mm-hm-hm
0:15:50 > 0:15:52# You are my starlight
0:15:52 > 0:15:56# Your shine can brighten up the darkest night
0:15:56 > 0:16:00# I'll follow you until the daylight
0:16:00 > 0:16:03# Cos when you're close I know it's all right
0:16:03 > 0:16:06# All right, all right, all right
0:16:06 > 0:16:09# See, baby, you got it
0:16:09 > 0:16:13# I got it, I got it, I got it, we got it
0:16:13 > 0:16:17# No, baby, no, baby, no, baby, don't stop it
0:16:17 > 0:16:21# We're taking off and the higher we go
0:16:21 > 0:16:22# The harder I fall
0:16:22 > 0:16:24# In love, in love
0:16:24 > 0:16:28# I feel like I just found the one, the one
0:16:28 > 0:16:32# Baby, now look what you done, you done
0:16:32 > 0:16:36# You've lit up my life with your love, your love
0:16:36 > 0:16:38# Your lo-o-o-o-ve
0:16:38 > 0:16:40# Your lo-o-o-o-ve
0:16:40 > 0:16:42# Your lo-o-o-o-ve
0:16:42 > 0:16:44# I'm in love
0:16:44 > 0:16:46# I'm in love
0:16:46 > 0:16:48# You are my sunshine
0:16:48 > 0:16:53# Broke through the clouds and now I kissed the sky
0:16:53 > 0:16:56# Feels like I'm dreaming with open eyes
0:16:56 > 0:17:01# Long as I'm with you I know I'm all right, all right, all right
0:17:01 > 0:17:04# See, baby, you got it
0:17:04 > 0:17:08# And I got it, I got it, I got it, we got it
0:17:08 > 0:17:12# So no, baby, no, baby, no, baby, don't stop it
0:17:12 > 0:17:16# We're taking off and the higher we go
0:17:16 > 0:17:20# The harder I fall in love, in love
0:17:20 > 0:17:24# I feel like I just found the one, the one
0:17:24 > 0:17:28# Baby, now look what you done, you done
0:17:28 > 0:17:32# You've lit up my life with your love, your love
0:17:32 > 0:17:34# Your lo-o-o-o-ve
0:17:34 > 0:17:36# Your lo-o-o-o-ve
0:17:36 > 0:17:38# Your lo-o-o-o-ve
0:17:38 > 0:17:40# I'm in love
0:17:40 > 0:17:42# I'm in love
0:17:42 > 0:17:44# You are my starlight
0:17:44 > 0:17:46# Starlight, starlight
0:17:46 > 0:17:48# Starlight
0:17:48 > 0:17:50# Starlight, starlight
0:17:50 > 0:17:52# Starlight
0:17:52 > 0:17:54# Starlight, starlight
0:17:54 > 0:17:57# Starlight, starlight
0:17:57 > 0:18:00# In love, in love
0:18:00 > 0:18:04# I feel like I just found the one, the one
0:18:04 > 0:18:08# Baby, now look what you done, you done
0:18:08 > 0:18:12# You've lit up my life with your love, your love
0:18:12 > 0:18:14# Your lo-o-o-o-ve
0:18:14 > 0:18:16# Your lo-o-o-o-ve
0:18:16 > 0:18:18# Your lo-o-o-o-ve
0:18:18 > 0:18:19# I'm in love
0:18:19 > 0:18:23# I'm in love. #
0:18:23 > 0:18:24CHEERING
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Whoo! You're feeling it now!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37That was amazing. That was so clubby.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Thank you so much for being on here. You're an absolute sensation.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44- One more time for the fantastic, fabulous... What a voice!- Thank you.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47What a voice! Emeli Sande!
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Ballsy, were you up there, mate?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58You can't just Gangnam, man. You've got to throw in some new moves.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Oh, he's up. Yeah!
0:19:00 > 0:19:02CHEERING
0:19:04 > 0:19:07If you're more comfortable, I can cut the back of your shirt.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to find out who is going to be
0:19:12 > 0:19:16tonight's Unexpected Star of the show.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23So let's meet tonight's Unexpected Star of this show.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25So there she is.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28It's Stella. She's a cattery owner from Dorset.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Stella is coming to our secret location,
0:19:31 > 0:19:32which is adjacent to the theatre.
0:19:32 > 0:19:38She thinks she's coming here with her daughter Shakira, to a cat cafe.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41It's basically a cafe full of cats.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Let me show you what the room looked like earlier today.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46This is actually right next to the theatre
0:19:46 > 0:19:47and this is what it looks like now.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Cat's Show Business.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56Everybody else in that cafe are actors, including the cats.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Everybody is in on this except for Stella,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02because the real reason that Stella is here is because it's always been
0:20:02 > 0:20:05her dream to perform on a West End stage,
0:20:05 > 0:20:09but instead she devoted her life to motherhood and cats.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Unfortunately, not the musical!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15I'm going to now go live to next door.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17This is our cat cafe.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Now, there is Stella. She's there with her daughter Shakira.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23So let me tell you all that's going happen.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26So there's some photographs on the wall in the cafe, in the cat cafe,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29where people have dressed up as cats,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31with accessories and props and stuff,
0:20:31 > 0:20:35so she's going to be asked to be taken around to this photo booth.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Now, this photo booth is actually going to be on this stage,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41so she's going to be taken round
0:20:41 > 0:20:43through a corridor where the props are,
0:20:43 > 0:20:47come into a photo booth. She's going to sit down. In front of her
0:20:47 > 0:20:52will be the camera and it's going to go, "Three, two, one."
0:20:52 > 0:20:56She will obviously then be, I presume, smiling and then the wall
0:20:56 > 0:20:58in front of her will collapse
0:20:58 > 0:21:03and she will be here with us on this stage. Are you up for that?
0:21:03 > 0:21:07CHEERING
0:21:07 > 0:21:11I'm going to go into the audience and meet her family. We have Stuart and Heather, her mum and dad.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15You down here? Ladies and gentlemen, Stella's parents.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Where are you?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Stuart, Heather.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- Hello, Stuart. Welcome. - Oh, thank you very much.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- So that is Stella there. - Yes.- In her cat cafe.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- Yes.- So she loves cats?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Oh, she loves cats. She's always liked animals, yes.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31And why does she think here tonight?
0:21:31 > 0:21:35She's on a lovely relaxing weekend with her daughter.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38All right. Well, it's about to get a little bit more intense,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- this relaxing weekend. - I think so, yes.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Tell me about Stella and her singing.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Well, she's always been interested in music and she's been singing from
0:21:45 > 0:21:48the earliest days, you know, from when she was very, very tiny.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Would she have performed for an audience like this ever?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Nothing of this scale, certainly not, no.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55And how do you think she'll react to tonight's surprise?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I really haven't got a clue.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Thank you so, so much, Stuart, for nominating her.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Let's hope it's worked out. Ladies and gentlemen,
0:22:02 > 0:22:06thank you very much to Stuart and Heather. It's Stella's parents.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16So, what's going to happen now is we are going to have a little bit
0:22:16 > 0:22:19of fun in that room and we'll see how much fun we can have,
0:22:19 > 0:22:26so that she doesn't twig or, indeed, we don't let the cat out of the bag!
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Two people in there have earpieces hidden and I can actually
0:22:30 > 0:22:32communicate with them from this stage.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Sean - who is just clearing up that table - Sean, if you can hear me,
0:22:36 > 0:22:40can you sniff your armpit and then say, meow?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Meow.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Look at Stella! Ooh!
0:22:52 > 0:22:57If she's disturbed by that, wait till you see what we've got lined up!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59OK, now, that's Jilly, that's lovely lady there.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Jilly, if you can hear me,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03can you pick up that saucer of milk in front of you,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05and lap it up like a cat?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08SHE SLURPS
0:23:14 > 0:23:16That's better.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22OK, Sean. In your own time, can I ask you to tell the room about
0:23:22 > 0:23:25your new vegetarian gourmet cat food?
0:23:25 > 0:23:29And go around the room, asking them if anybody wants to try it.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Ladies and gentlemen, it obviously isn't a real cat food.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37Just to let you know, we've launched a new vegetarian gourmet cat food,
0:23:37 > 0:23:41so I'm just going to offer you a few samples as I go round the room.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42By all means, help yourself.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46It's great. It really is really good.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- It's all right.- Are you sure?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Any takers?- Oh, yes.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- Say, "Yes, please."- Yes, please. - "I'd love some."- I'd love some.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Massive bite of that. Take a massive bite.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Oh. Yum, yum.- Yum, yum!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- Say, "I love cat food." - I love cat food.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Thank you.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Ask her how many cats has she got. - How many cats have you got at home?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- Jilly, say, "I've got seven cats." - I've got seven cats.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17I love my cats but sometimes I've just got to get away from them.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I love my cats, but sometimes I've got to get away from them.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23They've been arguing with each other over Brexit.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27They've been arguing with each other over Brexit.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33- Three are remain.- Three are remain. - Three are leave.- Three are leave.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- And one is on the fence. - And one's on the fence.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44OK, now offer it to Stella's daughter Shakira.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- Oh, that's lovely.- Would you like to try some as well?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48That's the best cat food I've ever tasted.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Best cat food I've ever tasted.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Now offer it to Stella.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- And for you, would you like to try some?- No, I'm fine, thank you.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- Are you sure?- Yeah, yeah.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- It's really good. - Say, "It's purr-fect!"
0:25:02 > 0:25:04It's purr-fect.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07She's going to go for it. She's going for it, she's going for it.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08She's going for it. Oh, my God,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11she's going to eat the cat food on television.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14This is... Oh, my God!, she's just eaten the cat food!
0:25:16 > 0:25:20She actually likes it. She likes the cat food! Oh, my God!
0:25:20 > 0:25:23OK.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26OK, all the actors, just carry on completely as normal now.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Just relax. So here is the fake room that Stella will be arriving in and
0:25:30 > 0:25:32within it is our photo booth
0:25:32 > 0:25:36so I am going to go round and have a look at it. OK, wait there,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I'm going to go and have a look at it and show you around.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41You'll see it up on that screen. I'm going round.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44All right. So here we go. Can you see me?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46CHEERING
0:25:46 > 0:25:48So here is...
0:25:48 > 0:25:50..here's the photo booth.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Ah, right. It's called Kitty Cam.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57You see, here is the camera, so hopefully, the plan is,
0:25:57 > 0:26:01she'll be left in here and then three, two, one and then...
0:26:01 > 0:26:06She will have no idea she is sitting in the middle of this theatre with
0:26:06 > 0:26:08all of us. All right, let's do this.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22OK, I think we're ready to bring her out.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- I'm going to come back for that.- OK.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Ladies, do you want to come with me? I'll take you around to Kitty Cam.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31See you guys in a second.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Lock the door for the cat's safety.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37They're on their way, they're on their way.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Completely quiet.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44OK, we've got some props ready.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Grab yourself something. Get yourself a little hat on.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Dress her up. Fantastic.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Yeah, go for that. Perfect. You're ready. Come, follow me, Stella.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55This way.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00This is Kitty Cam.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Come on in. Just grab a seat there.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- OK, this is the camera here. So look into the camera.- Yeah.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Follow the instructions. Get the poses ready.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14- I'll be back for you. Ready? - Yeah.- Off you go.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Welcome to Kitty Kam. Strike a pose.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25Your perfect photo in three, two, one.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Ladies and gentlemen...
0:27:41 > 0:27:44..it's Stella!
0:27:54 > 0:27:55How are you feeling, Stella?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59I'm going to kill my daughter!
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Well, there's plenty of people over here you might also want to kill.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05There's the hit list.
0:28:05 > 0:28:10It's your dad, your mum and your friends over there and, of course,
0:28:10 > 0:28:15our audience, who have been watching and waiting for you next door.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage
0:28:18 > 0:28:22our Unexpected Star of tonight's show, it's Stella!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25CHEERING
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Oh, golly.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32I think you can see up there, this is your little cat cafe,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34they're they are, Stella.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Oh, and Jilly's even still eating the cat food.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40- She genuinely loves it. - I ate the cat food as well.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43- Sorry, what was that?- I ate the cat food as well.- You what?
0:28:43 > 0:28:46You ate the cat food? I can assure you, Stella, that WILL be on TV.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50- Oh, my God!- Of course, that wasn't real cat food!
0:28:50 > 0:28:52It was dog food!
0:28:55 > 0:28:58So, Stella, how you feeling right now?
0:28:58 > 0:29:00I'm a bit surreal.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02- It feels very surreal. - It is very surreal.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06- You know the show, you've seen this show?- I have.- Yeah.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09- And now you're on it.- I know!
0:29:09 > 0:29:12So you didn't suspect - look at those people up there.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15As well as cats, which I know that you love,
0:29:15 > 0:29:17what else do like doing, Stella?
0:29:17 > 0:29:19- I like singing.- You enjoy singing.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21- Yes.- Well, as you've seen the show,
0:29:21 > 0:29:24you will be the star of this show.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27You'll be closing this show tonight, if you are up for it.
0:29:27 > 0:29:32Of course, we have 2,000 incredibly supportive people,
0:29:32 > 0:29:34do we not? CHEERING
0:29:36 > 0:29:41If you need more energy, I've got a little snack to keep you going.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45That's for you, Stella.
0:29:45 > 0:29:50Will you be our Unexpected Star of tonight's show?
0:29:50 > 0:29:53- Yes.- She's up for it!
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Ladies and gentlemen,
0:29:55 > 0:29:57how very exciting. You were absolutely wonderful.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00You were brilliant. Thank you so much. It's Stella,
0:30:00 > 0:30:02our Unexpected Star of the show.
0:30:02 > 0:30:03Thank you, Stella.
0:30:06 > 0:30:07Oh, yes!
0:30:09 > 0:30:14Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play the Midnight Gameshow.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22This is no ordinary gameshow, ladies and gentlemen.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24The contestants in the Midnight Gameshow had no idea
0:30:24 > 0:30:26they would be taking part.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29They went to sleep safe and sound, tucked up in their beds,
0:30:29 > 0:30:34only to be woken up in the dead of night by me and the camera crew
0:30:34 > 0:30:36to answer a series of questions
0:30:36 > 0:30:40while semiconscious in the Midnight Gameshow.
0:30:40 > 0:30:41Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
0:30:41 > 0:30:45this is the only gameshow where if you snooze...
0:30:45 > 0:30:47- AUDIENCE:- You lose!
0:30:47 > 0:30:51Tonight's contestant is Dean Buckmaster.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54That's already funny, let's be honest!
0:30:54 > 0:30:59Dean Buckmaster is a 42-year-old plumber and he was set up
0:30:59 > 0:31:04by his wife Zoe - and Dean and Zoe are here. Where are you, Deano?
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Hi! Yay!
0:31:06 > 0:31:13Hi, Dean. Hi, Zoe. Dean and Zoe, everyone. Dean and Zoe.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17So, what happened here is you were set up by Zoe.
0:31:17 > 0:31:22- Yeah.- Right? So, Zoe, you basically gave us the keys to your home...
0:31:22 > 0:31:26- Yeah.- ..to break in in the night. Why would you do such a thing?
0:31:26 > 0:31:29- Why did you set up Dean?- He's so laid-back and he's got
0:31:29 > 0:31:32a really great sense of humour and I thought it would be really funny.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36OK. And I understand also that the room wasn't quite big enough for our
0:31:36 > 0:31:40cameras or something and you removed furniture in preparation,
0:31:40 > 0:31:42- and did Dean notice?- No.
0:31:44 > 0:31:49Dean, what do you remember of that night before the event?
0:31:49 > 0:31:52Well, I thought it strange, her straightening her hair before bed.
0:31:52 > 0:31:56Right. And I should just say, before we watch this as well,
0:31:56 > 0:32:00that you have the creakiest staircase in the world,
0:32:00 > 0:32:03which did not make this easy for us.
0:32:03 > 0:32:08Ladies and gentlemen, let's enjoy Dean's Midnight Gameshow.
0:32:38 > 0:32:39STAIRS CREAK
0:32:42 > 0:32:44LAUGHTER
0:32:58 > 0:33:02CREAKING CONTINUES
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Dean!
0:33:18 > 0:33:23Welcome to the Midnight Gameshow!
0:33:23 > 0:33:26What is this?
0:33:26 > 0:33:30Dean, I have to say, the bedside clock is ticking,
0:33:30 > 0:33:33so we need to crack on as quickly as we can.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36Hi, Zoe. You have Zoe to thank for this.
0:33:36 > 0:33:40OK, so, Dean, let's kick you off with,
0:33:40 > 0:33:44please can you name three fairground attractions?
0:33:44 > 0:33:47- Question number one. - Roller coaster.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Very good. Cracking, well done, Dean.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52We're off with the roller coaster. We need two more, Deano.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54- Bumper cars.- Brilliant.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56One more.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01Bumper cars, roller coaster.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04- The waltzer.- Correct.
0:34:04 > 0:34:05Well done, Deano.
0:34:05 > 0:34:11Now, from the Abba musical Mamma Mia, Deano,
0:34:11 > 0:34:14please can you complete this lyric.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17# You can dance
0:34:17 > 0:34:18# You can jive
0:34:18 > 0:34:22# Having the time of your life
0:34:22 > 0:34:23# Ooh-oooh
0:34:23 > 0:34:25# See that girl
0:34:25 > 0:34:26# Watch that scene
0:34:26 > 0:34:28# Diggin' the...
0:34:28 > 0:34:29# Dancing queen. #
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Brilliant! Well done.
0:34:32 > 0:34:39Congratulations. OK, can I now ask you who is this?
0:34:46 > 0:34:48That's Laa-Laa.
0:34:48 > 0:34:49Correct answer.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54Can I ask you now,
0:34:54 > 0:34:58how would Laa-Laa say hello?
0:34:58 > 0:35:03- Eh-oh!- You are absolutely on fire. You got them all right.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06Thank you, Laa-Laa. Thank you.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Bye-bye!
0:35:11 > 0:35:14Now, if I could welcome Bill.
0:35:14 > 0:35:15Bill Oddie.
0:35:19 > 0:35:24Hi, Bill. Bill of course can impersonate birds and Bill's
0:35:24 > 0:35:26going to give you an example of that.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29BILL WHISTLES
0:35:32 > 0:35:33Which bird is that?
0:35:33 > 0:35:36- Curlew.- Of course it is.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38- Everybody knows that. - It's very late.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42Now, I'm just going to give you a few birds and all Bill has to do
0:35:42 > 0:35:46here is just identify them, so let's kick off with the top one.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49HE CLUCKS
0:35:50 > 0:35:53That's very good. Assuming it is a chicken.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56It is a chicken. Congratulations. Let's move on.
0:35:58 > 0:36:03- "My toe hurts, Betty. My toe hurts, Betty."- "My toe hurts, Betty".
0:36:03 > 0:36:05This is a bird?
0:36:05 > 0:36:08HE COOS That's very good.
0:36:08 > 0:36:12- Oh, that's a dove. A dove pigeon? - Yes, congratulations.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15We're nearly there. And we'll end on...
0:36:15 > 0:36:18- HE MIMICS CLOCK TICKING - Cuckoo!
0:36:18 > 0:36:20LAUGHTER
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Cuckoo clock. I've answered it.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26Stop the bedside clock and goodnight!
0:36:42 > 0:36:43What time is it?
0:36:43 > 0:36:46- Did it surprise you? - Flippin' did it?
0:36:46 > 0:36:49I've got all hot and sweaty.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59I can't believe you said, "My toe hurts! My toe hurts!"
0:37:03 > 0:37:06- Oh, dear. - I don't even know the time.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08Someone's nicked my phone.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:13 > 0:37:18It's 3.09. I thought it was time to get up.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29So what went through your mind at that moment?
0:37:29 > 0:37:32I thought, one, "Who are all these people?"
0:37:32 > 0:37:35And then you popped in, I thought, "Oh, I recognise you."
0:37:35 > 0:37:37"My toe hurts, Betty."
0:37:37 > 0:37:40- We need to talk about that.- It's the sound that a pigeon makes if you
0:37:40 > 0:37:43listen closely, listen closely.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47Bill Oddie was unaware of it.
0:37:47 > 0:37:51Well, congratulations. I can reveal to you, Dean,
0:37:51 > 0:37:56that you got every question right. What about that?!
0:37:56 > 0:37:59Which means that you do win
0:37:59 > 0:38:04our iconic golden Midnight Gameshow
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Do Not Disturb sign, ladies and gentlemen. Treasure this.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11- I will.- You're one of the few people to own such a thing and, of course,
0:38:11 > 0:38:14I've got Laa-Laa here for you
0:38:14 > 0:38:18to remember the occasion and I have also a cuckoo clock
0:38:18 > 0:38:22with Bill Oddie's face on it. There you go.
0:38:22 > 0:38:26Ladies and gentlemen, star of our Midnight Gameshow tonight,
0:38:26 > 0:38:30it's Dean! And thank you to Zoe, too. Thank you, guys. Amazing!
0:38:30 > 0:38:32Well done, Deano.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Up next, ladies and gentlemen is a phenomenally brilliant and hilarious
0:38:39 > 0:38:43comedian. Please welcome the fantastic Mr Joe Lycett!
0:38:43 > 0:38:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:48 > 0:38:50Oh, lovely!
0:38:50 > 0:38:55Hello. Hi, everyone. What a lovely introduction.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58I'm from Birmingham. Anyone from Birmingham in?
0:38:58 > 0:39:01- WHOOPING - Hello. I don't have the accent, cos I was born better.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06Yes, I live with my mum and dad in quite a posh area of Birmingham.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08We have a Waitrose.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10You get the idea. I was outside the Waitrose the other day.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14I saw a squirrel eating a croissant.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17It's a bit much for me. We've got an Aldi now, as well.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19That's caused upset in the local area, but I love it,
0:39:19 > 0:39:24cos I like a place where you can buy a pint of milk and a wheelbarrow wheel in the same shop.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28But I'm moving out. I've just bought a house - not in London,
0:39:28 > 0:39:31cos I'm not a Russian oligarch, I've bought one in Birmingham.
0:39:31 > 0:39:35People in London, they don't understand what it's like to live in Birmingham. Friends of mine
0:39:35 > 0:39:37in London say, "What's it's like living in Birmingham?"
0:39:37 > 0:39:40"Oh, the poverty. You wouldn't believe. I have to walk five miles
0:39:40 > 0:39:44"to the nearest vegan restaurant. It's unbelievable."
0:39:44 > 0:39:47These friends of mine, they've just bought a house in London in Lewisham.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49If you don't know London, it's sort of quite south.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51I like Lewisham, but it's not Central London.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54£640,000 for a two-bed house they paid.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56They were like, "Joe, move to London."
0:39:56 > 0:39:59I said, "Let me just say what I'd get in Birmingham for £640,000."
0:39:59 > 0:40:04Put it into Rightmove. The first thing that came up was a church!
0:40:04 > 0:40:06For the same amount of money, you bought a two-bed.
0:40:06 > 0:40:09So I bought a four-bed in an up-and-coming area of Birmingham,
0:40:09 > 0:40:11whether it will up or come, I'm not sure.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14£280,000. So a lot cheaper but it needs a lot of work doing to it.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17It's a dump, basically, and my dad has taken over as project manager
0:40:17 > 0:40:20and he's become an absolute cliche of a father.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Like, he'll go up to things like this,
0:40:22 > 0:40:26he'll go up to just anything in the house and I see him go...
0:40:26 > 0:40:28"Yeah." Won't tell me what's happened!
0:40:29 > 0:40:32What were you doing? I don't understand.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34There's an official reason why he's the project manager,
0:40:34 > 0:40:37which is that I'm too busy. I'm too busy to do the works myself,
0:40:37 > 0:40:42coordinate the works. The real reason is, I can't speak to tradesmen. Look at my nails.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44I tried to speak to the electrician over WhatsApp.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47He doesn't like an emoji.
0:40:47 > 0:40:51So, yes, I was interested about the buying a house thing in London,
0:40:51 > 0:40:53cos a friend of mine was trying to buy here.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55He found somewhere on Gumtree. He was looking on Gumtree.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59Did a bit of e-mailing back and forth with this girl on Gumtree,
0:40:59 > 0:41:03realised pretty quickly that this was a scam so he sent all the e-mails he'd done already over to me
0:41:03 > 0:41:07and just put in the subject line, "Do your absolute worst."
0:41:07 > 0:41:10So the girl who was trying to advertise this property,
0:41:10 > 0:41:12her name was Gemma, so I just started a fresh e-mail. I wrote,
0:41:12 > 0:41:16"Hello, Gemma. I'm contacting you regarding the apartment listed on Gumtree. I'm interested in a viewing
0:41:16 > 0:41:19"and wanted to arrange. Regards, Joe Lycett."
0:41:19 > 0:41:20This is the reply that I got.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23"Hello, Mr Joe.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26"The flat is situation in the London Borough of Islington,
0:41:26 > 0:41:28"a beautiful area with park and facilities."
0:41:28 > 0:41:30I had a look on Google Maps for the nearest facilities.
0:41:30 > 0:41:34They are Pentonville prison.
0:41:34 > 0:41:35"In order to do the viewing,
0:41:35 > 0:41:38"I would need to come to you from my residence in Stockholm.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40"This is obviously very expensive for me, so I need assurance
0:41:40 > 0:41:43"that you are interested and have available funding.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46"I need you to pay a deposit of 220 US dollar,
0:41:46 > 0:41:48"which you will have returned to you immediately on viewing.
0:41:48 > 0:41:53"This is to be arranged by my trusted partner money2india.eu."
0:41:53 > 0:41:55Seems legit!
0:41:55 > 0:41:58"I would also need your current address to send documentation to.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00"Please contact me to arrange. Thanks, Gemma." So I thought,
0:42:00 > 0:42:03"I'll just start off with just a slightly weird reply." I replied,
0:42:03 > 0:42:06"Hi, Gemma. Thanks for your speedy reply.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08"What a coincidence that you are in Stockholm.
0:42:08 > 0:42:10"I am on holiday there right now."
0:42:10 > 0:42:13I wasn't, of course, - I was in my garden in Birmingham,
0:42:13 > 0:42:14having a glass of Prosecco.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17"Let's meet and discuss and arrange the viewing.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20"My current address is 118 New Oxford St, London, WC1A 1HL.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23That is the address of a Dorothy Perkins.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25"Regards, Joe Lycett." She replied,
0:42:25 > 0:42:28"Mr Joe, I am not currently in Stockholm, actually,
0:42:28 > 0:42:30"but I'm on business for the next three weeks in Berlin.
0:42:30 > 0:42:34"The best way to secure viewing is to pay the deposit using money2india.eu - thank you, Gemma."
0:42:34 > 0:42:37So I thought, I'll just turn the weirdness up ever so slightly more.
0:42:37 > 0:42:42"Guten Tag, Frau Gemma. That is so crazy!
0:42:42 > 0:42:44"I just booked a holiday to Berlin next week.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47"Where are you staying? I can't wait to meet you." I also put...
0:42:47 > 0:42:48HE SPEAKS GERMAN
0:42:48 > 0:42:51Which is German for "I know this is a scam."
0:42:51 > 0:42:53"..thanks, Joe."
0:42:53 > 0:42:55She didn't spot it. She replied, "Mr Joe, I will be very busy
0:42:55 > 0:42:58"in Berlin and will not be able to see you. You must pay the deposit
0:42:58 > 0:43:01"or I cannot secure the visit. Thank you, Gemma." So I left it
0:43:01 > 0:43:05a couple of days and then I replied, "Gemma, I'm here. Where are you?"
0:43:05 > 0:43:08And I have been to Berlin, about two years ago on a holiday, so I
0:43:08 > 0:43:11attached this picture of me, just to give it a sense of realism,
0:43:11 > 0:43:15you know. She replied, "Mr Joe,
0:43:15 > 0:43:19"I am no longer in Berlin on business. If you would like viewing, you need to pay the deposit."
0:43:19 > 0:43:25So I replied, "Gemma, what a pity. I suppose I will have to pay the deposit. I hope you don't mind,
0:43:25 > 0:43:28"but I have an old friend who works at the FBI and I'm just going to ask
0:43:28 > 0:43:31"him to do a quick check to make sure this isn't a scam. Thanks, Joe."
0:43:31 > 0:43:35Very quick reply to that one. "Mr Joe, the property is no longer available, sadly, the viewing
0:43:35 > 0:43:39"will not be possible. Please confirm you have received this." I didn't reply. Got another one.
0:43:39 > 0:43:45"Mr Joe, did you receive my last e-mail?" I got quite a few of these, some of them quite manic in bold.
0:43:45 > 0:43:49Really panicked. I left it another couple of days and I replied,
0:43:49 > 0:43:51"Frau Gemma,
0:43:51 > 0:43:54"in order to secure cancellation of the FBI check,
0:43:54 > 0:43:58"I need you to pay me a deposit
0:43:58 > 0:44:03"of 300 USD
0:44:03 > 0:44:06"through my trusted partner, moneytoJoe.org."
0:44:06 > 0:44:09Thank you so much for being so lovely.
0:44:09 > 0:44:12Have a great the rest of your show. I was Joe Lycett. See you again.
0:44:12 > 0:44:13CHEERING
0:44:15 > 0:44:18Thank you so much.
0:44:18 > 0:44:19Thank you.
0:44:19 > 0:44:22The wonderful Joe Lycett! Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Lycett!
0:44:22 > 0:44:24CHEERING
0:44:27 > 0:44:29Now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:44:29 > 0:44:33it is time to find out what replies Ed Balls has had.
0:44:33 > 0:44:36It's time for Send To All.
0:44:38 > 0:44:40OK.
0:44:40 > 0:44:43So, let's just remind ourselves
0:44:43 > 0:44:47of the text that I sent into Ed Balls's telephone.
0:45:08 > 0:45:12All right, well, we're just going to crack on.
0:45:12 > 0:45:14Jeremy Vine.
0:45:14 > 0:45:18From BBC Radio 2. He's just opened with,
0:45:18 > 0:45:24"Blimey! Is Delia in the hot tub?
0:45:24 > 0:45:29"I'm finding my leopard print swimming shorts RIGHT NOW!"
0:45:32 > 0:45:35There's a very seriously boring one from Charlie K. Who's Charlie K?
0:45:35 > 0:45:38Charlie K is a councillor in Wakefield.
0:45:38 > 0:45:40So he's northern, Charlie K?
0:45:40 > 0:45:42- Yeah. Charlie Keith.- He just says,
0:45:42 > 0:45:45"We'd love to, but just got back from Zakynthos,
0:45:45 > 0:45:47"so me and Gracie are a bit travel weary. Best, mate.
0:45:47 > 0:45:52"We'll ring you in the week. Take care. Thanks for the invite."
0:45:52 > 0:45:55Dude, did you read the text?
0:45:55 > 0:46:00"We're a bit weary." We're in hot tub with Delia and Stormzy!
0:46:00 > 0:46:06And Anton du Beke. "Yeah, but as I said, I'm a bit travel weary."
0:46:06 > 0:46:09- Charlie K.- June Cooper?
0:46:09 > 0:46:11Is my mother-in-law.
0:46:14 > 0:46:17All right, well, it's a great one. Your mother-in-law has texted,
0:46:17 > 0:46:21"Your father-in-law is coming if Katya is there."
0:46:26 > 0:46:30- Kevin Brennan? - A Cardiff MP.
0:46:30 > 0:46:33So this is a Member of Parliament texting you.
0:46:33 > 0:46:38"Ha! I'm at a conference with your wife. I suspect you might have been
0:46:38 > 0:46:42"inviting someone else but don't worry, I won't tell her."
0:46:47 > 0:46:50There's more, there's more.
0:46:50 > 0:46:53"PS, Stormzy is awesome."
0:46:56 > 0:46:59Completely fallen for it!
0:46:59 > 0:47:04Nobody has questioned that you're having a hot tub party with Stormzy,
0:47:04 > 0:47:08who you met at Glasto!
0:47:08 > 0:47:11Oh, we've just arrived at Peter Mandelson.
0:47:12 > 0:47:14Peter Mandelson.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16He goes, "I'm grabbing my Lilo.
0:47:16 > 0:47:20"It sounds much better than the Labour Party conference.
0:47:20 > 0:47:22"Tell Anton I'm coming."
0:47:25 > 0:47:28Ore. He was the winner of Strictly, was he?
0:47:28 > 0:47:30Ore. Yeah.
0:47:30 > 0:47:32- Ore Oduba.- Whoa!
0:47:32 > 0:47:37- Ore? Is Ore a radio presenter? - Yeah.- Oh. Oh.
0:47:37 > 0:47:40Oh. This has never happened before on this show.
0:47:40 > 0:47:42Oh, balls!
0:47:44 > 0:47:49Ore's text says, "Just read that out live on BBC Radio 2."
0:47:57 > 0:48:02He's gone, "Like I said, see you shortly after 9pm. Big Love, buddy."
0:48:02 > 0:48:05- And then the kissing one. - I'd better get home quick!
0:48:05 > 0:48:08You actually might have to have this party!
0:48:08 > 0:48:10You'll be in the Yellow Pages, going,
0:48:10 > 0:48:13"I'm looking for a late-night hot tub delivery service.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16"It's E Balls."
0:48:17 > 0:48:22Your wife... She's texted three texts, the first one is,
0:48:22 > 0:48:24"Seriously?" Then the next one is,
0:48:24 > 0:48:28"Midlife crisis getting just a little out of hand now?"
0:48:31 > 0:48:35Oh, my God! The third text from your wife, Yvette Cooper, reads,
0:48:35 > 0:48:39"DO NOT get your mankini out."
0:48:47 > 0:48:51- Rob Rinder? - Judge Rinder.- Oh, Judge Rinder!
0:48:51 > 0:48:53Oh, we love Judge Rinder.
0:48:53 > 0:48:58Judge Rinder has texted, "Ed, have you been drinking?
0:48:58 > 0:49:00"I'm concerned.
0:49:00 > 0:49:04"Much as I'd love to join for some hot tub action,
0:49:04 > 0:49:07"I'm sure I'd ruin the entire vibe.
0:49:07 > 0:49:09"I also have a verruca."
0:49:14 > 0:49:17Oh, my God! A great one from Fi Glover.
0:49:17 > 0:49:19Fi Glover's a radio broadcaster.
0:49:19 > 0:49:22- Yes, Radio 4.- Oh, she's good.
0:49:22 > 0:49:24Simple one liner.
0:49:24 > 0:49:28"How we all wish you had become Chancellor."
0:49:35 > 0:49:39Oh, that's brilliant. Wayne...
0:49:39 > 0:49:43Wayne is the person who used to live next door to us.
0:49:43 > 0:49:47- He's a Methodist vicar. - He's a Methodist vicar.
0:49:47 > 0:49:52I've got to tell you, it's really good.
0:49:52 > 0:49:55So the Methodist vicar who lives next door to you,
0:49:55 > 0:49:59who's been invited to join you in a hot tub with Anton du Beke,
0:49:59 > 0:50:03Stormzy, and Delia Smith has replied,
0:50:03 > 0:50:07"I'll just finish writing my sermon then grab my towel."
0:50:12 > 0:50:16How awesome is that? Thank you from all of us.
0:50:16 > 0:50:19Ed Balls! What about that?!
0:50:19 > 0:50:21That was sensational.
0:50:27 > 0:50:30Ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight
0:50:30 > 0:50:38we surprised Stella in our entirely fake cat cafe next door to the
0:50:38 > 0:50:42theatre. Let's have a little look at how she's been getting on since that
0:50:42 > 0:50:44surprise earlier tonight.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51I just thought it was a final surprise from my daughter
0:50:51 > 0:50:55for a weekend away. We just went into this lovely little cat cafe,
0:50:55 > 0:50:56which was absolutely brilliant.
0:50:56 > 0:51:00I just can't believe they actually kept the secret from me completely.
0:51:00 > 0:51:04- It's just mad.- Well done. - Thank you.
0:51:04 > 0:51:06I'm Juliet. I'm going to be your vocal coach today.
0:51:06 > 0:51:07Of all the unexpected stars,
0:51:07 > 0:51:09I think Stella's been the most emotional.
0:51:09 > 0:51:13She was crying and just felt a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing,
0:51:13 > 0:51:15I think.
0:51:15 > 0:51:19It's something that I've always dreamed of since I was 11 years old
0:51:19 > 0:51:23and after all of these years I've waited, it's finally arrived.
0:51:25 > 0:51:27The last hour has been magical, actually.
0:51:27 > 0:51:28It's just been a whirlwind.
0:51:28 > 0:51:31I thought I'd be on the train home by now.
0:51:33 > 0:51:35I'm probably more nervous than she is.
0:51:35 > 0:51:38She's amazing and I'm just in awe of her.
0:51:43 > 0:51:47Ladies and gentlemen, it's our unexpected star of tonight's show,
0:51:47 > 0:51:49it's Stella!
0:51:49 > 0:51:50CHEERING
0:51:53 > 0:51:56MUSIC: O Mio Babbino Caro
0:52:10 > 0:52:14SHE SINGS IN ITALIAN
0:54:12 > 0:54:17Ladies and gentlemen, it's our Unexpected Star of tonight's show,
0:54:17 > 0:54:21Stella. What about that? Amazing. Amazing.
0:54:21 > 0:54:24Come on, guys. Come on up.
0:54:24 > 0:54:28Come on up. Come on, Shakira. Come on, Mum and Dad.
0:54:49 > 0:54:52Very, very, very good. Come on, Dad. Don't back off.
0:54:52 > 0:54:53It's show business!
0:54:55 > 0:54:57Stella, how do you feel after that?
0:54:57 > 0:55:01Oh, I'm still shaking, actually. I feel absolutely amazing.
0:55:01 > 0:55:03What an incredible thing to go through.
0:55:03 > 0:55:08Yes, from stroking cats in a cafe to standing on the stage.
0:55:08 > 0:55:10- Let's not leave out eating cat food, Stella!- No.
0:55:10 > 0:55:13But how's it been turning it around and rehearsing?
0:55:13 > 0:55:17- It must have been like a whirlwind. - It's just been absolutely amazing.
0:55:17 > 0:55:19It really has been a dream come true for me. Thank you so much.
0:55:19 > 0:55:22Well, thank you so much. We loved it.
0:55:22 > 0:55:25CHEERING It's Stella, ladies and gentlemen.
0:55:25 > 0:55:29Fantastic. Brilliant.
0:55:29 > 0:55:31Really sensational.
0:55:33 > 0:55:34Ladies and gentlemen,
0:55:34 > 0:55:36please give it up for everybody that's been on tonight.
0:55:36 > 0:55:38We'll see you again next week for another Big Show.
0:55:38 > 0:55:41Until then, thank you very much. Goodnight!