0:00:10 > 0:00:12Tonight on my Big Show...
0:00:12 > 0:00:17..Marvin and Rochelle hand over both their phones to play Send To All,
0:00:17 > 0:00:21there's music from pop sensations The Vamps, featuring
0:00:21 > 0:00:26Maggie Lindemann, and comedy from the hilarious Jason Manford.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29And who will be tonight's Unexpected Star of the show?
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:50 > 0:00:54DRUM ROLL
0:00:54 > 0:00:57CHEERING
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Yeah!
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Thank you very much.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
0:01:07 > 0:01:11and welcome to my Big Show!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18What a show we have for you tonight.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21We will of course have big stars...
0:01:21 > 0:01:23CHEERING ..big laughs...
0:01:23 > 0:01:27CHEERING ..and very, very big surprises,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29ladies and gentlemen. CHEERING
0:01:29 > 0:01:31That's happening. Yeah! HE GIGGLES
0:01:31 > 0:01:39Yes! And not one but two celebrities are going to be playing Send To All.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42CHEERING
0:01:42 > 0:01:47And we do have our most ambitious stunt yet
0:01:47 > 0:01:52when we reveal this week's Unexpected Star of the show.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54CHEERING
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Family people in tonight? Who's got children?
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Round of applause, you got children?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:02 > 0:02:05There are basics that you have to do every single day
0:02:05 > 0:02:08when raising children, and these are
0:02:08 > 0:02:10feeding them, you have to feed them.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12This is probably news to nobody. You have to feed them,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14you have to dress them, OK?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16You have to wash them and you have to put them to bed.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18You have to do these four things every single day.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Now, every single day, each one of these things is a battle.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25They are reluctant to do
0:02:25 > 0:02:27these things, and you are forced every day to compromise
0:02:27 > 0:02:29on each of them.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33I don't know why they resist these basic things.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Every day is a battle.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Just getting dressed, they will not get dressed. "Put your clothes on.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41"Put your pants on." They refuse to wear pants.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42"I don't like pants."
0:02:42 > 0:02:44"They're uncomfortable. I don't like pants."
0:02:44 > 0:02:47"Put your jumper on." "I'm boiling.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"I'm boiling." They're always boiling. "I'm boiling!"
0:02:50 > 0:02:53"Yes, that's because I've heated the inside of the house.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57"But what I haven't done is heated the rest of the world.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01"So you will need it when you get outside." "Can I just take it?"
0:03:01 > 0:03:05So you just compromise. "All right, fine! Just take it."
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"Do your laces." "Can I do it in the car?"
0:03:07 > 0:03:09"Fine! Do it in the car!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11"Where's your bag? Where's your other shoe?"
0:03:11 > 0:03:13And they spring things on you at the last minute.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15The other day, we're going to school, nearly out the door.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17My son's done quite well, actually. He's got his pants on,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20he's even got his jumper on. He's holding his coat, he's got his bag -
0:03:20 > 0:03:23we're nearly out the door. He just looks at me and goes, "Dad,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25"it's Roman day."
0:03:27 > 0:03:29"What's Roman day?"
0:03:29 > 0:03:31"Everybody has to go to school today dressed as something
0:03:31 > 0:03:33"from the Roman Empire."
0:03:35 > 0:03:39"We're supposed to be at school in six minutes.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42"What exactly did you expect me to do at this point?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44"Oh, yes, when I was nine I was a centurion.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47"I think I still have my armour here in the cupboard."
0:03:49 > 0:03:50"Let's not drive this morning.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53"I've been hiding a horse and chariot in the garage.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55"We'll arrive in style!"
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Feeding... They will eat... Children will eat...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02They will eat rubbish. They'll eat garbage, OK?
0:04:02 > 0:04:06They'll eat chocolate and sweets and ice cream till they're sick.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08What they won't eat is things that are good for them.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Every day, we try to get them to eat vegetables, fruit,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13things that are good for them. We aim very high, my wife and I,
0:04:13 > 0:04:14every single mealtime.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17"All right, tonight there will be no ice cream, children,
0:04:17 > 0:04:21"unless you have all your peas, all your broccoli and all your carrots."
0:04:21 > 0:04:23"But, Dad, please, it's disgusting.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26"Please don't make me eat that. Please, it's just disgusting.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30"Please, Dad, you can't force us! You can't force us!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32"It's disgusting!"
0:04:32 > 0:04:35"All right! Fine.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"I just want you to eat one carrot...
0:04:38 > 0:04:41"..five peas
0:04:41 > 0:04:44"and this floret of broccoli."
0:04:44 > 0:04:46"But, Dad, it's disgusting, please don't make me eat that.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49"Please, you can't force me, I hate it!"
0:04:49 > 0:04:51"I hate it!"
0:04:51 > 0:04:54"All right, fine!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56"Just stick out your tongue and let me
0:04:56 > 0:04:59"wipe the broccoli across your face."
0:04:59 > 0:05:02"And then can I have ice cream?" "Yes!"
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Washing every day, run the bath, get in the bath, "Have you washed?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09"Have you brushed your teeth?" They lie to you.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10They lie to my face every single day.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12"Have you brushed your teeth?" "Yes."
0:05:12 > 0:05:14"OK, then breathe on me."
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I have to get this jet of disgusting...
0:05:16 > 0:05:18HE EXHALES Eugh!
0:05:18 > 0:05:21"You haven't brushed your teeth, have you?" "No, I haven't, Daddy."
0:05:21 > 0:05:23"Well, why didn't you say that?!"
0:05:23 > 0:05:25The laziness.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Oh, and flush the... You know...
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Before I had children I used to dream about what it was like.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32My wife and I would discuss it,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35"I can't wait to have children, it's going to be amazing.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37"You'll be such an amazing mum."
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I used to dream of idyllic, rosy-cheeked,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43beautiful children in dungarees...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45running in fields....
0:05:45 > 0:05:47..picking flowers.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50"Can we have our picnic now? Can we have our picnic?"
0:05:50 > 0:05:54How did that fantasy become me, almost on a nightly basis,
0:05:54 > 0:05:59standing over the toilet going, "Whose poo is this?!"
0:06:02 > 0:06:05"Lucas! Is that your poo?"
0:06:05 > 0:06:07He puts on this whole...
0:06:07 > 0:06:10He actually comes over and looks in the loo.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14"No, that's not my poo."
0:06:15 > 0:06:18"So, Ossie, it's your poo."
0:06:18 > 0:06:20"Dad, that is definitely not my poo."
0:06:20 > 0:06:23"Darling..." "Don't you even..."
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Ah, hair-wash night. I don't know how much you're supposed to
0:06:30 > 0:06:31wash your children's hair,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35but I've got it down to about once a fortnight now because of the drama.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38"Hair-wash night? No, Daddy, please. Can we do that tomorrow?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41"Daddy, can we do it tomorrow? Can we do it tomorrow?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43"It's going to go in my eyes! It's going to go in my eyes!"
0:06:43 > 0:06:47"Put your head back." You have to hold the flannel. They shake and...
0:06:47 > 0:06:50"Ah! It's going to go in my eyes!
0:06:50 > 0:06:53"I don't like it, Daddy! Is it finished? Is it finished?"
0:06:53 > 0:06:58God forbid the shampoo actually goes a little bit in their eye.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00HE SHRIEKS
0:07:03 > 0:07:04"I need a towel!
0:07:04 > 0:07:05"I need a towel!"
0:07:07 > 0:07:08"Ah!"
0:07:08 > 0:07:10HE WHIMPERS
0:07:14 > 0:07:17"Why would you do that to me?"
0:07:17 > 0:07:21"For God's sake, I'm just trying to wash your hair."
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Bedtime. Oh, bedtime. "It's bedtime, go to bed." "Can I have a story?
0:07:25 > 0:07:29"Can I have a story?" The last thing you want to do at the end of a day
0:07:29 > 0:07:34of battles is read a nonsense, stupid story.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I don't know if you do this,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39but I will scan the bookshelf for the shortest book that we own.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44My son's always like, "Can we read The Hobbit?" "No."
0:07:44 > 0:07:46"I thought we could read this
0:07:46 > 0:07:48"leaflet that came through the door.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52"It's for a local pizzeria, you see there is a deal on. Now goodnight.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54"Daddy loves you."
0:07:55 > 0:07:59This is what it is like, it is a battle, it is a daily battle,
0:07:59 > 0:08:01every single day, to do the basics.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05There isn't a child on Earth who has ever not battled these things.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08There's no kid in the history of children who's ever just gone,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"Mum, Dad, listen, I'm exhausted tonight.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14"I'm just going to head up to bed, I think.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17"I managed to squeeze a shower in earlier, Mum, while you were cooking
0:08:17 > 0:08:19"that amazing dinner. I don't know what you did with the broccoli.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22"Was it something different? Because for me it could've been
0:08:22 > 0:08:24"the meal all unto itself. Magnificent.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26"I didn't tell you guys it was Roman day tomorrow
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"cos I wanted to surprise you with the outfit that I've made.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31"You're going to love it."
0:08:31 > 0:08:34"I'll see you by the door at about five to eight in my shoes and pants
0:08:34 > 0:08:37"and I'm going to wear my coat cos you never know, I mean,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39"it is quite chilly out there."
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Oh and... HE EXHALES
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Minty fresh.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Well, that's never going to happen.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49That's a fantasy. That's a fantasy.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play Send To All!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00CHEERING
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Yes.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06In a Send To All first, ladies and gentlemen, this week, not one
0:09:06 > 0:09:11but two celebrities have agreed to hand over their phones.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- AUDIENCE:- Ooh! - Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
0:09:14 > 0:09:17the divine, it's Marvin and Rochelle.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19CHEERING
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I love you two.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Aw!
0:09:22 > 0:09:25You're very nice people. How are you both? How are you?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- I'm a bit nervous. Yeah, I'm a bit scared.- Bit nervous?- Yeah.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Yeah. There's nothing to worry about.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- I have to say, tonight is going to be especially fun.- OK.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34So tell me about when you first got together.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I mean, phones would've been a big part of it.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Who took whose number?- Yeah, yeah. So when we first got together...
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- OK, hang on, just be honest. - I'm going to be honest.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45I will be honest. So, we were doing a gig together in Ireland,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48the Saturdays, JLS, and I'd always liked Roch.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49We ended up chatting that night.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52We were standing in the hotel cos it was a late show.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56She decided to go to the toilet and what lady goes to the toilet
0:09:56 > 0:10:00and leaves their handbag with me, her phone had no phone lock...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- No phone lock?!- No phone lock, exactly.- What year was this?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I went into her bag, I took out the phone, I called myself.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- Stole her phone number. - Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- You took her phone and you phoned yourself?- Thank you! It's so wrong.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13- To get her number? BOTH:- Yes!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Right. That's clever. - No, that's really freaky.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- You say freaky...- Yeah.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20#MarriedWithTwoKids. Seemed to work out.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22It worked. It did work.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25When you phoned yourself, did you leave a message?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28"Hi, it's me. Just trying to pull."
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Thank you so much for agreeing to do this.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Of course, Rochelle, as soon as I get your phone,
0:10:35 > 0:10:36I'll probably call myself with it.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Ey!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- I mean, it's only right.- OK.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45So, guys, if I can ask you please to place your mobile phones
0:10:45 > 0:10:49here in this contraption and we will get them both down. This is
0:10:49 > 0:10:52so exciting, a Send To All first.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54OK, let's get these phones down.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56# It takes two, baby
0:10:57 > 0:11:00# It takes two, baby
0:11:00 > 0:11:02# Me and you. #
0:11:02 > 0:11:04AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME
0:11:04 > 0:11:06All right, ladies and gentlemen,
0:11:06 > 0:11:10I am now in possession of Marvin and Rochelle's mobile telephones!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12CHEERING
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Wow. OK. Has it come on?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19CHEERING Oh, yeah!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- This is so weird.- This is so weird.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- It must be so weird to see your phone.- Oh, no.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27So this is it, this... Oh, look, lovely things on here, Pinterest,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29InstaBeauty...
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Getting ready for Christmas? Santa there.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Oh, that's great, that works all year round with my little girl,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- the Santa app.- That is such a classic threat.- Yes.- Yes.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I do this thing where I go, "I'm phoning Father Christmas."
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Yup.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Yup, but he can actually call you back.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44- What?!- I know, it's amazing.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Santa also called you and gave you his number?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- He did.- Santa Claus.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- Call... Schedule a call? - Yes, it's brilliant.- All right.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Tap to add.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00You have to, like, insert the name and then he says the name
0:12:00 > 0:12:03when he calls, and say what they've been good at.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06All right, well, I'm going to do it.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Michael. Michael Michael. Why not?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11All right, are we ready? I'm a boy. Yes.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12How old am I?
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Just say you're, like, four.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I'll be four. When's he going to phone? Immediately.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- Let's go.- Yeah, here you go.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24MUSIC: We Wish You A Merry Christmas
0:12:24 > 0:12:26It's so good!
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Hello?
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Ho, ho, ho! Good evening.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35It's Santa calling.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40According to my records, you're four years old.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47I've found out that you've been a very good girl.
0:12:47 > 0:12:53I'm so impressed that I've put your name on my nice list.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Ho, ho!
0:12:56 > 0:12:57How the hell did he find out?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Been keeping that secret for years.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- Goodbye.- Goodbye, thank you, Santa.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Oh, God. OK, Marvin.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15You see? Obviously, straight in there, Premier League. TV Guide.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Oh, photos. Let's have a look at some photos.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Ooh, hello. Yes. There you go.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23What's going on there, Marv?
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Got a lovely house.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Just casual morning selfie.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30OK. Oh, yeah, this is the life!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Erm, I'm hoping that's a spa and not a toilet.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Whoa. WOLF WHISTLES
0:13:39 > 0:13:41This is obviously... Is this you?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Is it Drake? Have you put somebody else's body here?
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Oh, look at the shape you're in.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- You are loving yourself, aren't you? AUDIENCE:- Woo!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Very good. This is you going to collect the kids, is it?- Yeah!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55At the posh school.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- School run.- School run. Perfect.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Oh, DJ-ing. There you go.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01All right. Oh, look.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04And there you are on a Saturday.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06LAUGHTER
0:14:06 > 0:14:08APPLAUSE
0:14:08 > 0:14:11OK, I think it's about time to write the texts into these two very,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13very sweet and lovely people. Right.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15So the text I'm going to put into Marvin's phone is,
0:14:15 > 0:14:19"Taken Rochelle
0:14:19 > 0:14:23"out to a lovely
0:14:23 > 0:14:25"little restaurant.
0:14:25 > 0:14:30"A fan just asked me
0:14:30 > 0:14:32"for a selfie,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34"and not Rochelle.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40"Now we're having a row..."
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Oh, God!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- "..about who..."- Oh, no!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48"is more
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"famous.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55"It's me, right?"
0:14:57 > 0:15:00So, we'll just leave that there for the time being.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Now...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03..into your phone, Rochelle...
0:15:03 > 0:15:06You should write "Marv", not "Marvin", cos...
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- You're right. Any help... - ..I'd never say that.- You're right.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- Maybe write "Roch", cos you'd never call me Rochelle, would you?- Yeah.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- "Roch", like that?- Roch, yeah. - Yeah?- I think... Yeah.- All right.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Otherwise people might know.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21So, your version, Marvin, was...
0:15:21 > 0:15:25"Taken Roch out to a lovely little restaurant."
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Now, Rochelle's.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30"With Marv...
0:15:30 > 0:15:32"..in Nando's."
0:15:38 > 0:15:42That's about right. That's really accurate.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46"He basically forced the waiter...
0:15:48 > 0:15:50"..to have a selfie with him.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54"So embarrassing.
0:15:54 > 0:16:02"Now we're having an argument over who is more famous."
0:16:02 > 0:16:03This is so awful.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- "In your honest..."- Oh, no!
0:16:09 > 0:16:14"..opinion, is it me or Marv?"
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Oh, my goodness. I hate this.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21OK, so, Roch, how would you sign a text?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- One big X, two little ones. - All right.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- How have you opened it, though? - Oh. "With Marv in Nando's."
0:16:27 > 0:16:30OK, so, maybe you should write, "Hey, babe, I'm with Marv." Yeah.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- Are you calling everyone in your phone book "babe"?- I think so.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Unless it's like... Oh, no, my doctor.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Or someone like that.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- Well, it is going to be your doctor. It's everybody.- Just "hey", I think.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Marvin's upset about you calling everyone in your phone "babe".
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- I know!- Darling, I think we're going to go with just "hey" tonight.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- Just "hey".- Just "hey".
0:16:51 > 0:16:56- Hey. OK. Now, Marvin...?- Yes. - How would you sign a text on yours?
0:16:56 > 0:16:57How about the muscle emoji?
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Yeah.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I think that works with the text.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08And let's be honest, it was in your "recently used".
0:17:13 > 0:17:15You are something else, Marv.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19So, Marvin, your text is,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21"Taken Roch out to a lovely little restaurant.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24"A fan just asked me for a selfie, and not Roch.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28"Now we're having a row about who is more famous. It's me, right?"
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Rochelle's text is, "Hey, I'm with Marv in Nando's.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34"He basically forced the waiter to have a selfie with him.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38"So embarrassing. Now we're having an argument over who is more famous.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42"In your honest opinion, is it me or Marv?"
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Big kiss, two little kisses.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Shall we send those two texts simultaneously?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49CHEERING
0:17:49 > 0:17:51All right, ladies and gentlemen,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54let's find out who's more famous,
0:17:54 > 0:17:58because those texts have gone, ladies and gentlemen!
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It's happening!
0:18:00 > 0:18:01CHEERING
0:18:01 > 0:18:06Please thank the very brilliant and very fun Marvin and Rochelle.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08It's Marv and Roch.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Thank you so much, guys.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Ladies and gentlemen, my next guests are a group of handsome musicians
0:18:15 > 0:18:20who have had a huge succession of sensational hit records.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Scream your hearts out.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Tonight, featuring Maggie Lindemann, it's The Vamps.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26CHEERING
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Thank you. How are we doing, London?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33CHEERING
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Feel free to stand up and have a dance.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39# Personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me
0:18:39 > 0:18:43# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see
0:18:43 > 0:18:47# I think it's time to put my heart out on the line
0:18:48 > 0:18:53# I think it's time to say what's playing on my mind
0:18:53 > 0:18:57# I see you out with him and I say that I'm fine
0:18:57 > 0:19:00# It happens every time
0:19:00 > 0:19:03# Every time
0:19:03 > 0:19:05# Well, I'm sick and tired of playing games
0:19:05 > 0:19:08# I'm sick and tired of being second place
0:19:08 > 0:19:10# And I know if I never tried
0:19:10 > 0:19:12# I'd be sick and tired of being sick and tired
0:19:12 > 0:19:14# Don't take it personal
0:19:14 > 0:19:18# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me
0:19:18 > 0:19:21# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see
0:19:21 > 0:19:23# Girl, don't take it personal
0:19:23 > 0:19:27# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- # But worst of all... # - Put those hands up!
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- # ..You don't even see... # - Put 'em up!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33# ..So, don't take it personal
0:19:33 > 0:19:37# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me
0:19:37 > 0:19:40# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see
0:19:40 > 0:19:43# Girl, don't take it personal
0:19:43 > 0:19:46# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me
0:19:46 > 0:19:47# But worst of all... #
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Ladies and gentlemen, Maggie Lindemann!
0:19:51 > 0:19:55# ..You know how much I love it when you call me out
0:19:55 > 0:20:00# You see it in my eyes The way they follow you around
0:20:00 > 0:20:03# Cos, yeah, I like the way you dance
0:20:03 > 0:20:05# You know I do
0:20:05 > 0:20:07# Yeah, I do
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- # Cos that's just you... # - Hey!
0:20:09 > 0:20:12# ..I'm sick and tired of being friends
0:20:12 > 0:20:15# I'm sick and tired of being there
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- # And I know if I never try... # - London, here we go!
0:20:18 > 0:20:20# ..I'll be sick and tired of being sick and tired
0:20:20 > 0:20:21# Girl, don't take it personal
0:20:21 > 0:20:25# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me
0:20:25 > 0:20:28# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see
0:20:28 > 0:20:31# Girl, don't take it personal
0:20:31 > 0:20:34# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me
0:20:34 > 0:20:38# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see
0:20:38 > 0:20:42# So, let's make it personal
0:20:42 > 0:20:43# Tell me what you like
0:20:43 > 0:20:46# Let's make it personal
0:20:46 > 0:20:51# Cos I know that you want to try to get personal
0:20:51 > 0:20:53# Tell me what you like
0:20:53 > 0:20:56# Let's make it personal
0:20:56 > 0:20:59# Personal... #
0:20:59 > 0:21:00London, put those hands up!
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Beautiful!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09# ..So don't take it personal
0:21:09 > 0:21:13# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me
0:21:13 > 0:21:17# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see
0:21:17 > 0:21:19# Don't take it personal
0:21:19 > 0:21:22# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me
0:21:22 > 0:21:26# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see
0:21:26 > 0:21:28# Girl, don't take it personal
0:21:28 > 0:21:32# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me
0:21:32 > 0:21:36# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see. #
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Maggie Lindemann, everybody.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39CHEERING
0:21:44 > 0:21:48From The Vamps, what about that? Let's get Personal.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52We love that. We love The Vamps.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56OK. No, ladies and gentlemen,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58it is time to find out who will be tonight's
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Unexpected Star of the show.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02CHEERING
0:22:06 > 0:22:11So here is tonight's Unexpected Star. This...
0:22:11 > 0:22:13..is Marvin.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15He's a horse trainer from West Sussex.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17CHEERING
0:22:17 > 0:22:20There he is with a horse. He's kind of cool, is our Marv.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25He is coming to our secret location, which is behind the theatre.
0:22:25 > 0:22:30He thinks he's been hired as a body double for an advert
0:22:30 > 0:22:32set in the Wild West.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38So he's coming here thinking he's part of an advert for a perfume.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42It's a men's aftershave. It's called Unexpected.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47It's absolutely disgusting.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54There's damsel in distress, played by Rachel Riley from Countdown.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Then he's going to get on an actual horse.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02He's then going to deliver the final line of the advert,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05which is, "Well, that was unexpected."
0:23:07 > 0:23:14At that point, the curtain will fall down to reveal 2,000 of you,
0:23:14 > 0:23:18and normally when this happens, I say, "Go mad, get on your feet,"
0:23:18 > 0:23:20but there's a horse on the stage.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I need to do the exit thing.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Exits are... I don't even know where they are.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31This is where the people at the top go, "Good seats."
0:23:34 > 0:23:36CHEERING
0:23:39 > 0:23:42OK, Marvin is currently in the office,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44which is adjacent to the theatre.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I think he actually might be waiting. Oh, there he is.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49That is Marvin on the right,
0:23:49 > 0:23:53and on the left is Terence, the lead actor on the left.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56And, boy, have we got some fun lined up for him.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Are you up for that, ladies and gentlemen? Let's do that.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Marvin has been nominated by his wife Ellen, who's here tonight,
0:24:04 > 0:24:05and we're going to find out
0:24:05 > 0:24:08a little bit about Marvin before we get him out.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11OK, where's Ellen? Hi, Ellen. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ellen.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Ellen's here.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Hello, Ellen. So, tell us about Marvin.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19- He's absolutely passionate about horses.- He's passionate.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- Is he a lovely person?- Yes. - And what about singing?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- Does he enjoy singing? I hope so. - He's quite good at that, yes.- OK.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29So I understand he's performed a little bit already?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Yeah, he used to do some amateur dramatic stuff,
0:24:31 > 0:24:36- he's done the Full Monty.- He's done the Full Monty?- Yes.- Oh, OK.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Everyone's getting very excited. He's not going to do that tonight.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42OK, and I gather he's got a friend here as well. Hi. Is it Gavin?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- Hi there.- Hi, Gav. How are you?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46So he performed at your wedding, is that right?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49He did, yeah. He sang our first song. It was Lady In Red.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Right. How did that go? Did he perform well?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Yeah, he performed really well.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55My mum and my sister still keep talking about him.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Oh, that's very good.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59How do you think he will react to the shock of being on top
0:24:59 > 0:25:03of a horse in a cowboy outfit, and all of us going crazy?
0:25:03 > 0:25:04I'm beginning to wonder
0:25:04 > 0:25:08if there'll be any divorce proceedings in the morning.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11You think he might be divorcing you in the morning?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14OK, well, listen. This is the perfume, Unexpected.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16We just need to confirm that it's not the best.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Do you want to smell that for me and give your verdict?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Would you wear that?
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Oh...
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- How would you describe it? - Very fishy.- Yes, it is.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28You're right to say it's fishy. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31please give it up for Marvin's lovely wife and friend,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33lovely Ellen and Gavin.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38All right. All right.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43So, we're now going to talk to our actors backstage
0:25:43 > 0:25:46and we're going to have a little bit of fun. OK.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Terence, if you can hear me, say,
0:25:48 > 0:25:52"Yee-ha! I'm going to nail this part," and pump the air.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Yee-ha! I'm going to nail this part!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- Where's he going? - Where are you going?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04He's so embarrassed he stood up and walked away.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07He's just got on the horse.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Terence, could you say to Marvin, "Do you recognise me, by the way?"
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Hey, Marvin, do you recognise me?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15"I'm an actor."
0:26:15 > 0:26:16- I'm an actor.- Yeah.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21"You probably recognise me from The Walking Dead."
0:26:21 > 0:26:24You might recognise me from The Walking Dead.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27"This might jog your memory," and do a zombie impression.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29This might jog your memory. You ready?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31HE MOANS
0:26:40 > 0:26:43He knows. He knows. He's seen it. He's seen it.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Can we send in the director, Robert?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- Oh, shoot.- Hi.- Hello.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- Is this Marvin?- Yes.- Grab a seat.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Hi. How's it going? Terence.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- Robert. Nice to meet you. I'm the director. Robert.- Nice to meet you.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Could you point to the runner and say, "Milk, two sugars"?
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Milk, two sugars.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04OK.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- Say, "Welcome, welcome, everybody." - Welcome. Welcome, all.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11"Let's go through this script." Take the tea when it comes.
0:27:11 > 0:27:16Just spit it out and say, "This is tea. I want milk and two sugars."
0:27:16 > 0:27:19This is tea. I want milk with two sugars.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27OK. OK. So, "In a minute, we're going to start rehearsing.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29"We're just waiting for Rachel."
0:27:29 > 0:27:32In a minute, we'll start rehearsing. We're just waiting for Rachel.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33She'll pop through.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41- Oh, hi.- Say, "Sorry I'm late." - Sorry I'm late.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42Say, "Actually it's your fault."
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Actually, though, I don't want to be rude
0:27:44 > 0:27:46but it was kind of your fault that I was late.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49"You booked a car to pick me up half an hour ago."
0:27:49 > 0:27:51You booked a car to pick me up half an hour ago.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55- "I live 15.7 miles from here." - But I live 15.7 miles from here.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58OK, notice the whiteboard and then say, "Let me explain."
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Hang on, let me explain.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07The average speed of traffic in London is, what, 19mph?
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Like I said, 15.7 miles is how far I have to go.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Time is distance over speed, so the journey, I mean, the time
0:28:13 > 0:28:19should have been 15.7 divided by 19, which is obviously 0.82.
0:28:20 > 0:28:220.82 x 60 minutes to get here,
0:28:22 > 0:28:2649 minutes, but obviously you only left 30,
0:28:26 > 0:28:30so 49 - 30, you should have actually had it there 19 minutes earlier.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Yeah, so 19 minutes. Just for next time, OK?
0:28:39 > 0:28:41OK, so, "You're all familiar with the fragrance."
0:28:41 > 0:28:45So, you're all familiar with the fragrance. Give that to Rachel.
0:28:47 > 0:28:52Oh, that is delicious. That's lovely. Have a whiff of that.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56- Mm!- It's nice, isn't it?
0:28:57 > 0:29:00He likes it.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03So, Terence, Rachel, come with me. Marvin, stay there.
0:29:03 > 0:29:07- We're just going to have a little rehearsal.- OK.- Come with me.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11- Where do you want me? - If you're here.- OK.- Terence there.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13We're just going to run through this last scene.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22Rachel, listen, you'll do the "my hero".
0:29:22 > 0:29:25Pull her in, you know the line. And action.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29My hero.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Oh, not you!
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Terence, come and mount the horse.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36OK, and then if you could mount the horse the wrong way.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44- OK.- It happens.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48- You're the wrong way round.- Really?
0:29:51 > 0:29:54OK, get off the horse and try again
0:29:54 > 0:29:57and then get on it the right way and then we'll do the final line.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Very good. Super stuff.
0:30:01 > 0:30:06So now just deliver the final line, "That was unexpected."
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Terence, I want you to say, "That was antiseptic."
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Action.
0:30:13 > 0:30:14That was antiseptic.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22- OK, all right, if you want to step off. Marvin...- Step off.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25Take a break for a second. Marvin, would you just come in,
0:30:25 > 0:30:27we'll just do lines for Rachel, if that's all right?
0:30:27 > 0:30:29So, "my hero", and then Marvin onto the horse
0:30:29 > 0:30:31and then say, "That was unexpected."
0:30:31 > 0:30:35So, "my hero", pull in, push away, your line, mount the horse,
0:30:35 > 0:30:37- "That was unexpected."- OK.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41- And action.- My hero!
0:30:41 > 0:30:43No, not you!
0:30:48 > 0:30:50That was unexpected.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54Very good. Amazing. You're amazing. Very good.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56I'm just doing what you told me.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59OK, all right. All right.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01Tell him to sit down, "We're going to take a break
0:31:01 > 0:31:03"and then we'll come through in a minute and we'll set up the studio."
0:31:03 > 0:31:06Take a break. I'm going to set up the set.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09OK, so we're going to bring Marvin up here for his shoot.
0:31:09 > 0:31:10You all know what's going to happen
0:31:10 > 0:31:15but first, let's take a little look at the studio that he's going to.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18All right. Here we go. Right.
0:31:18 > 0:31:19Whoa!
0:31:20 > 0:31:25OK. If we could bring on... I can't believe I'm saying this.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28Bring on the horse, please. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.
0:31:28 > 0:31:29Round of applause.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31APPLAUSE
0:31:31 > 0:31:36Hi, Andy. You are the horse handler. And the horse is...?
0:31:36 > 0:31:38- Miro.- Miro.
0:31:38 > 0:31:39Say hi to Miro, everyone.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41- AUDIENCE:- Hi, Miro.- Hi, Miro.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43Welcome to the Big Show.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46Is this the first time Miro's appeared on stage?
0:31:46 > 0:31:47He's done many, many Hollywood films.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49- He's been in Hollywood movies?- Yes.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much to Miro and his...
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Oh, and you're going to be here with him.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56- Yes.- He's going to be there with him.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59OK, thank you very much, Miro.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03OK, so that is Miro, an actual horse.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Let's get everything ready on the stage, then,
0:32:07 > 0:32:08and then we're going to do this.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Are you up for that, ladies and gentlemen?
0:32:14 > 0:32:17You will know when to make a noise
0:32:17 > 0:32:20because, obviously, the curtain will fall down.
0:32:20 > 0:32:21If we're ready...
0:32:21 > 0:32:23..let's bring him up.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25I like it.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28Hi, guys. OK, Marvin, I need to take you on to set.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32We'll do the body double. You guys, we'll bring you up in a second, OK?
0:32:32 > 0:32:34This way.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36- See you in a bit, man. - Bye.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40- So, Andy is the horse handler. - Uh-huh.
0:32:41 > 0:32:45So, yeah, he'll just help you on, but you're an old pro at this.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50Just through here.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53As soon as you're on, get comfortable, I'll disappear, action.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55- Just get the hat on for us. - You've got it.
0:32:56 > 0:33:02- All good?- Yeah. Looking good. Looking good. Super. Just this way.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05It's right through here. This way. This is Andy, the horse handler.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07- How are you doing, Andy?- If you go around there, hop straight on.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10- All right.- So I'll go out of shot.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13I'll just give you the "action", deliver the last line
0:33:13 > 0:33:14and we're good to go.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21- There we go.- All set? All comfortable?- Yeah.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24- So wait for "action" and then give us the line.- OK.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26And action.
0:33:26 > 0:33:27That was unexpected.
0:33:29 > 0:33:30CHEERING
0:33:34 > 0:33:36You have to be joking.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH
0:33:38 > 0:33:42Ladies and gentlemen, it's our Unexpected Star of tonight's show.
0:33:42 > 0:33:43It's Marvin!
0:33:49 > 0:33:52Hey, Marvin. How are you, man?
0:33:54 > 0:33:57See your wife over there. See over there, your wife.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01You're going to get it! You are going to get it!
0:34:01 > 0:34:04All right, Marvin. Let's get you down from the horse.
0:34:06 > 0:34:10OK. A small round of applause for Miro as well there. Miro, our horse.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14Marvin, there we go.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17This is your big hat with your crash helmet in it. Very good.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Come on, Marv. Let's go and have a chat.
0:34:22 > 0:34:27So, Marvin... Yeah. Take it in, Marv. Take it in, Marv.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30- Woo!- Woo!
0:34:30 > 0:34:32CHEERING
0:34:32 > 0:34:40Marvin, here we have 2,500 people at the Theatre Royal in Drury Lane.
0:34:40 > 0:34:45You are not here to star in an advert for Unexpected pour-on,
0:34:45 > 0:34:50which you seemed to like. Did you like the smell, Marvin?
0:34:50 > 0:34:52I work with horses every day so...
0:34:53 > 0:34:56Anything compared to that smells good.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59So, Marvin, we've been watching you next door.
0:34:59 > 0:35:03Rachel Riley doesn't always do Countdown numbers, for example.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06That man who went "yee-ha", and you were so embarrassed
0:35:06 > 0:35:08you started fiddling with the fake saddle.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14You have been set up by your lovely wife,
0:35:14 > 0:35:18who thinks you are a wonderful man, a brilliant horse trainer,
0:35:18 > 0:35:21but mostly there's something else you like to do, isn't there, Marvin?
0:35:21 > 0:35:24- Yeah, I sing.- Yeah! Yeah!
0:35:24 > 0:35:26I love the way you said that. "I sing."
0:35:26 > 0:35:28You are very cool, Marv.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32So, Marvin, will you be tonight's Unexpected Star of the show?
0:35:32 > 0:35:34- Yeah, sure.- He's up for it.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Ladies and gentlemen, it's our Unexpected Star of tonight's show.
0:35:39 > 0:35:40It's Marvin.
0:35:43 > 0:35:44So good.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46HE MOUTHS
0:35:47 > 0:35:50We're going to take you off here. There you go, Marv.
0:35:54 > 0:35:55Very good.
0:35:55 > 0:35:57Amazing.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59We love Marvin.
0:35:59 > 0:36:00All right.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04We've got a real treat for you now, ladies and gentlemen.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06I'm absolutely delighted
0:36:06 > 0:36:09to introduce one of my favourite singers,
0:36:09 > 0:36:13who is, tonight, trying his hand at stand-up comedy.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16It is of course the always hilarious,
0:36:16 > 0:36:18the brilliant Jason Manford is here.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20CHEERING
0:36:22 > 0:36:23Hello, hi.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26Hello.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28Hello. Thank you very much.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Thank you. Wow. Wow.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33Lovely. What a great room. I've brought my parents with me.
0:36:33 > 0:36:37My parents are here celebrating their 36th wedding anniversary.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39I don't know what happens in a relationship that long
0:36:39 > 0:36:42but it's amazing. My mum will be in a mood with my dad
0:36:42 > 0:36:47cos of something that he did wrong in her dreams.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51It's unbelievable. He will wake up already in trouble.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54"Morning." "Morning!"
0:36:54 > 0:36:57"What have I done now?" "You know what you've done.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00"Flying off on your magic camel...
0:37:00 > 0:37:02"..with your fancy lady,
0:37:02 > 0:37:04"leaving me with all the shopping and no arms."
0:37:07 > 0:37:10Very strange lady. I've got a strange family, to be honest.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12Even my brother. My brother's one of those people...
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Have you got any of those people in your life who...
0:37:14 > 0:37:16they've got qualifications, a job, a family,
0:37:16 > 0:37:19they've got everything but, still, every so often,
0:37:19 > 0:37:22they just do something so stupid you've no reaction to it?
0:37:22 > 0:37:24We played football a little while back,
0:37:24 > 0:37:26over the summer, and my brother
0:37:26 > 0:37:28opened up a brand-new pair of shin pads and looked really disappointed.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31I said, "What's up with you?" He said, "I've just opened these,
0:37:31 > 0:37:33"bought these yesterday." "Why are you so annoyed?"
0:37:33 > 0:37:36He went, "Look at that - one's a large, one's a regular."
0:37:36 > 0:37:38I said, "I think that's left and right, Steven."
0:37:38 > 0:37:41I don't think they sell them like that.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47I've recently done a speed awareness course.
0:37:47 > 0:37:48Has anyone done one of those?
0:37:50 > 0:37:52They are so dull, aren't they? So dull.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55Everyone says the same things when they do a speed awareness course.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58"Actually it was quite interesting. I learned a few things." And it is.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01It's about 40 minutes of quite interesting information
0:38:01 > 0:38:02spread over four hours.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Luckily, I was sat with this bloke from Glasgow,
0:38:06 > 0:38:09fella called Jeff, who had driven down especially to Manchester
0:38:09 > 0:38:12to do the speed awareness course. He was great fun to sit next to.
0:38:12 > 0:38:17There was a moment when the guy leading the class said to us,
0:38:17 > 0:38:19"There's only about five or six reasons to speed,
0:38:19 > 0:38:22"and in the years doing this job I've heard them all."
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Well, he'd never met Jeff.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27He was going down the line, "Why were you speeding?"
0:38:27 > 0:38:31And it was the same reasons. "I thought it was a 40 in a 30."
0:38:31 > 0:38:32"I was distracted." "The rain."
0:38:32 > 0:38:34All the same sort of reasons kept coming up.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36Then he got to Jeff. "What was the reason you sped?"
0:38:36 > 0:38:41He went, "Ah, mate, you know...
0:38:41 > 0:38:46"You know McDonald's stop serving breakfast at 10.30?"
0:38:46 > 0:38:51What an excuse! We've all been there at 10.27. "I need a hash brown!"
0:38:52 > 0:38:55Why not put your foot down?
0:38:55 > 0:38:57What a great reason.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59That wasn't even my favourite bit.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01Then he started to relax into the class.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04He said... At one point, the teacher said to us,
0:39:04 > 0:39:06"When you're on a road, road signs are green.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08"When you're on a motorway, road signs are blue,
0:39:08 > 0:39:10"and that's one of the major differences
0:39:10 > 0:39:12"between those two very dangerous roads."
0:39:12 > 0:39:15Jeff pipes up. "That's right, mate, and if the road signs are grey,
0:39:15 > 0:39:18"that means you're going the wrong way."
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Just entertaining himself.
0:39:22 > 0:39:26And before we left, before we left, we're all sort of wrapping up,
0:39:26 > 0:39:29getting our coats on to head out into the evening, and the teacher
0:39:29 > 0:39:32again says to us, "Thanks for coming, thanks very much,
0:39:32 > 0:39:34"don't speed again," and all that,
0:39:34 > 0:39:36and I was having a little chat with him and then he said to Jeff,
0:39:36 > 0:39:39"Have you got to get back to Glasgow now from Manchester?"
0:39:39 > 0:39:40He says, "Aye, that's right."
0:39:40 > 0:39:43He says, "What's that, about four-and-a-half hours?"
0:39:43 > 0:39:44He went, "I'll do it in two."
0:39:45 > 0:39:48Not learnt a thing. Not learnt a thing. God love him.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50Not learnt a thing.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53I...
0:39:53 > 0:39:55I mean...
0:39:55 > 0:39:58I mean, it works. I've not sped since, I've got to say.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01And that's not necessarily my own moral judgment.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04It's because my car doesn't have the ability any more.
0:40:04 > 0:40:07I've had to swap my car. I got five children. Five children.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10That's a lot of children, isn't it? I know. It's crazy.
0:40:10 > 0:40:13Sometimes I go to drop my youngest daughter in nursery
0:40:13 > 0:40:19and there are less children in nursery than I have in the car.
0:40:19 > 0:40:23And they're wild. They're wild, cos they get to do loads of fun things,
0:40:23 > 0:40:25cool things that we never got to do.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27They go to the park about four times a week.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30I never went to the park as a kid. My dad never took me to the park.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32If I'd said, "Dad, I want to go to the park,"
0:40:32 > 0:40:34he'd have gone, "Off you go, then."
0:40:34 > 0:40:36"But I'm six." "Well, mind the roads."
0:40:36 > 0:40:39Things were different, weren't they? You made your own entertainment.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42The trick in that day was just to get out and just entertain yourself.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44All the way through the summer holidays,
0:40:44 > 0:40:46get as far away from the house as possible.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49Not too far in case some bigger boys came, but far enough away
0:40:49 > 0:40:51that you couldn't hear yourself being shouted in.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53That was the trick, wasn't it?
0:40:53 > 0:40:55Cos in our house you weren't even allowed to sneak in the house
0:40:55 > 0:40:56in the middle of the day
0:40:56 > 0:40:59because my mum, she would hate the door being used as a door.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01It used to wind her right up.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04You'd sneak in, she be like, "Who's that?!"
0:41:04 > 0:41:06"It's me, Mum. Just getting a sandwich."
0:41:06 > 0:41:10"No! No! You're either in or you're out."
0:41:10 > 0:41:11"What?"
0:41:11 > 0:41:13"You're either in or you're out."
0:41:14 > 0:41:17They're the only two options. It's a door.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19You're thinking of a wall, you nutter.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24Crazy, isn't it? When I watch my parents now...
0:41:24 > 0:41:25Have we got any grandparents in, by the way?
0:41:25 > 0:41:27- SOME CHEERS - A few of you in.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29The rest are at home minding your kids, aren't they?
0:41:29 > 0:41:31That's what they're doing.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Do you ever watch your parents being grandparents
0:41:33 > 0:41:35and think to yourself, "Who are you?
0:41:37 > 0:41:40"Who are you and when did you become so nice?"
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Because when I was 14, I remember it clearly,
0:41:42 > 0:41:44you were a nightmare every day.
0:41:44 > 0:41:49Now look at you, you're all like, "Hey, Grandad's here! Hey-hey!"
0:41:49 > 0:41:51They're like, "Grandad! Grandad! Grandad!"
0:41:51 > 0:41:53"Come on, let's go to the park."
0:42:00 > 0:42:03God love them. Thanks very much. I'll see you again.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Good night, God bless. Thank you.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07CHEERING
0:42:11 > 0:42:14Sensational Jason Manford, ladies and gentlemen. What about that?
0:42:14 > 0:42:17Nice one. My man's on fire.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19You're looking good, too, Jase.
0:42:19 > 0:42:22What a treat. Thank you so much for coming and being so hilarious.
0:42:22 > 0:42:25Ladies and gentlemen, the fantastic Mr Jason Manford. What about that?
0:42:28 > 0:42:31Thank you, my friend. Yeah!
0:42:34 > 0:42:38It is now time to find out what replies Marvin and Rochelle,
0:42:38 > 0:42:40Marv and Roch, have received.
0:42:40 > 0:42:44It's time to play Send To All.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47OK.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50This is the message that I sent into their mobile telephones
0:42:50 > 0:42:51earlier tonight.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53Into Marvin's phone...
0:43:06 > 0:43:09And the text I sent into Rochelle's phone...
0:43:21 > 0:43:23OK, so we're going to start with Marvin's phone.
0:43:23 > 0:43:27So this has come from Gino D'Acampo. Gino, Gino, Gino.
0:43:27 > 0:43:30Oh, so much love for Gino.
0:43:30 > 0:43:33- Gino says, "Definitely you, my friend."- Yes.
0:43:33 > 0:43:35"When I first met Rochelle,
0:43:35 > 0:43:37"I thought she was your carer.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43"Please don't tell Rochelle,
0:43:43 > 0:43:45"she will kill me next time I see her."
0:43:47 > 0:43:49- I will.- Triple kiss, Gino. - Yes, Gino.
0:43:49 > 0:43:52- OK, Robbie Williams.- Oh, hello!
0:43:52 > 0:43:54- Hello, Robbie Williams.- Showbiz.
0:43:54 > 0:43:57"I don't know, but I've seen pictures in the gym and, Marvin,
0:43:57 > 0:44:01"you definitely have bigger boobs."
0:44:04 > 0:44:07That wasn't the question, Robbie.
0:44:07 > 0:44:10I like that. That's good. That's good.
0:44:10 > 0:44:13All right. Danny Jones. McFly.
0:44:13 > 0:44:14Everybody's famous in your life.
0:44:16 > 0:44:18Danny Jones from McFly says,
0:44:18 > 0:44:22"No, Humes, I would say Roch is far more famous."
0:44:22 > 0:44:25Oh, dear. "PS, have you sorted your rash?"
0:44:28 > 0:44:30Marvin!
0:44:35 > 0:44:37I mean, have you? Is it OK?
0:44:37 > 0:44:39Danny and I play football together
0:44:39 > 0:44:41so we see each other in the shower sometimes.
0:44:41 > 0:44:43That's even more concerning.
0:44:43 > 0:44:47All better now. See you in the showers next week...
0:44:47 > 0:44:50- I'm worried.- How's the rash! OK.
0:44:50 > 0:44:54- Claire... Claire Ince. - It's my auntie.- Auntie Claire.
0:44:54 > 0:44:55"Marvin, get a grip.
0:44:58 > 0:45:00"Rochelle is well more famous than you.
0:45:00 > 0:45:03"You're always punching above your weight."
0:45:05 > 0:45:07APPLAUSE
0:45:07 > 0:45:11- Ben Shepherd. Shepsy. - Oh, he should be on my side.
0:45:11 > 0:45:16"Tricky situation, Marv. If I was you, I'd let her win this one.
0:45:17 > 0:45:20"It'd be worth it down the line, son.
0:45:20 > 0:45:23"Lose the battle but not the war."
0:45:25 > 0:45:29- Good advice from Sheps. - Smart guy.- Very good advice.
0:45:29 > 0:45:32OK, Louis Walsh, ladies and gentlemen.
0:45:32 > 0:45:36Louis Walsh says, "You sold more music in arenas so it's you,
0:45:36 > 0:45:38"but she looks better."
0:45:40 > 0:45:42Go on, Louis.
0:45:42 > 0:45:44Ricky Wilson doesn't have your number.
0:45:44 > 0:45:47"Who is this? Are you related to Rochelle Humes? She's great.
0:45:47 > 0:45:50"I think she married the guy from DFS."
0:45:51 > 0:45:53Yes!
0:45:53 > 0:45:56That's the best reply ever.
0:45:56 > 0:45:58That's from Ricky Wilson of the Kaiser Chiefs.
0:45:58 > 0:46:01Everyone's famous. This is so fun.
0:46:01 > 0:46:03DFS! HE CACKLES
0:46:03 > 0:46:07- That's the best reply ever.- There's a deal on, and I got a husband.
0:46:09 > 0:46:12So, we're now going to move from Marvin's phone to Rochelle's.
0:46:12 > 0:46:15Mine's going to be my aunt.
0:46:15 > 0:46:16Louis Walsh.
0:46:16 > 0:46:19He's sent the same text to both.
0:46:19 > 0:46:23He's gone, "Marvin sold more music, Rochelle, so it is Marvin,
0:46:23 > 0:46:24"but you look better."
0:46:25 > 0:46:27He texted both of you.
0:46:27 > 0:46:30Andi Peters. "Marv is lemon and herb."
0:46:30 > 0:46:33Oh, he's gone with the Nando's.
0:46:33 > 0:46:35"Marv is lemon and herb.
0:46:35 > 0:46:36"You're hot."
0:46:38 > 0:46:42- Smooth. Really smooth.- That's good.
0:46:42 > 0:46:45- Grimmy.- Oh, Grimmy. I love him.
0:46:45 > 0:46:46We love Grimmy.
0:46:46 > 0:46:49"I value you both on the same level as kind, funny humans
0:46:49 > 0:46:52"whose fame doesn't enter my judgment,
0:46:52 > 0:46:54"so I can't be brought into this debate.
0:46:54 > 0:46:56"Plus, I'm also scared."
0:46:59 > 0:47:03- Here's a fun one. Nicky Thai massage.- Oh, no!
0:47:04 > 0:47:07I'm assuming this is Nicky who does Thai massage.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09I'm glad that's in her phone and not mine.
0:47:10 > 0:47:14Yeah, that would have been much worse if it was in your phone.
0:47:14 > 0:47:17She doesn't even know what we do for a job, I don't think, does she?
0:47:17 > 0:47:19She's going to think, what am I talking about?
0:47:19 > 0:47:22So she's been asked the question, "Am I more famous than my husband?"
0:47:22 > 0:47:24who she doesn't know.
0:47:24 > 0:47:26Oh, it's a tough question. Turns out she knows.
0:47:28 > 0:47:31"I need a bit more time to judge.
0:47:31 > 0:47:32"Have a lovely time."
0:47:32 > 0:47:33In Nando's!
0:47:35 > 0:47:39- So random.- "Nicky..." I'm going to text her back. "I need a decision.
0:47:43 > 0:47:44"And a massage."
0:47:48 > 0:47:51- Kevin Playhouse.- Oh, my goodness.
0:47:51 > 0:47:54- He installed your playhouse, didn't he?- For my little girl.
0:47:54 > 0:47:57- He built her a little Wendy house. - Yeah.- This is so weird.
0:47:57 > 0:47:59You've only met him once.
0:47:59 > 0:48:03I've literally met him once when I paid him to make her a house.
0:48:03 > 0:48:05All right, well, Kevin Playhouse.
0:48:05 > 0:48:08"Hi, last year, when I installed your playhouse, you knew
0:48:08 > 0:48:12"I didn't know who you were so I would say Marvin."
0:48:14 > 0:48:16APPLAUSE
0:48:16 > 0:48:19Thank you so, so much for handing me your phones.
0:48:19 > 0:48:22You've both been brilliant. I will return this to you immediately.
0:48:22 > 0:48:23One more time, ladies and gentlemen,
0:48:23 > 0:48:26for the fantastic Marvin and Rochelle. What fantastic sports.
0:48:26 > 0:48:30Thank you so much. CHEERING
0:48:30 > 0:48:31OK, ladies and gentlemen,
0:48:31 > 0:48:34earlier tonight, we surprised horse trainer Marvin, who thought
0:48:34 > 0:48:37he was here to appear as an extra in an advert
0:48:37 > 0:48:40on an actual horse on this stage.
0:48:40 > 0:48:43Let's see how our Unexpected Star of the show
0:48:43 > 0:48:45has been getting on backstage.
0:48:46 > 0:48:47It's a big surprise.
0:48:47 > 0:48:51I've come up to do a commercial and a curtain drops
0:48:51 > 0:48:53and all these people...
0:48:53 > 0:48:56I had no idea whatsoever.
0:48:56 > 0:48:57To actually meet Michael, wow.
0:48:58 > 0:49:00When Marvin came into the room, my goodness,
0:49:00 > 0:49:02it was like complete and utter shock.
0:49:02 > 0:49:05- I just can't believe this is all happening.- He's improved no end.
0:49:05 > 0:49:08I mean, I can't tell you how hard he has worked in order to get
0:49:08 > 0:49:12this performance up to where it needs to be.
0:49:12 > 0:49:15I'm very excited to be singing in front of all these people
0:49:15 > 0:49:16and my family.
0:49:16 > 0:49:20When I look at my wife, it's about...
0:49:20 > 0:49:22I now have that person in my life.
0:49:24 > 0:49:29All the time, no matter if you're right or you're wrong, she's there.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36Ladies and gentlemen, the moment is here.
0:49:36 > 0:49:40Please go wild for our Unexpected Star of tonight's show.
0:49:40 > 0:49:42It's Marvin.
0:49:54 > 0:49:56# Stuck on you
0:49:56 > 0:50:02# I've got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can't lose
0:50:02 > 0:50:05# Guess I'm on my way
0:50:08 > 0:50:10# I needed a friend
0:50:10 > 0:50:16# And the way I feel now, I guess I'll be with you till the end
0:50:16 > 0:50:21# Yes, I'm on my way
0:50:21 > 0:50:23# Mighty glad you stayed
0:50:25 > 0:50:26# Yeah
0:50:30 > 0:50:32# I'm stuck on you
0:50:32 > 0:50:38# I've been a fool too long, I guess it's time for me to come on home
0:50:38 > 0:50:41# Yes, I'm on my way
0:50:44 > 0:50:47# It's so hard to see
0:50:47 > 0:50:52# That a woman like you could wait around for a man like me
0:50:52 > 0:50:57# Yes, I'm on my way
0:50:57 > 0:50:59# Mighty glad you stayed
0:51:06 > 0:51:13# Oh, I'm leaving on that midnight train tomorrow
0:51:14 > 0:51:19# And I know just where I'm going
0:51:21 > 0:51:23# I've packed up my troubles
0:51:23 > 0:51:26# And I've thrown them all away
0:51:28 > 0:51:33# Cos this time, little darling
0:51:33 > 0:51:37# I'm coming home to stay
0:51:37 > 0:51:41# I'm stuck on you
0:51:41 > 0:51:47# I've got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can't lose
0:51:47 > 0:51:51# Yes, I'm on my way
0:51:54 > 0:51:56# I needed a friend
0:51:56 > 0:52:01# And the way I feel now, I guess I'll be with you till the end
0:52:01 > 0:52:06# Yes, I'm on my way
0:52:06 > 0:52:13# Mighty glad you stayed. #
0:52:13 > 0:52:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:52:22 > 0:52:28Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, our Unexpected Star of tonight's show.
0:52:28 > 0:52:30It's Marvin.
0:52:32 > 0:52:35Well done. Well done.
0:52:37 > 0:52:39Marvin, that was sensational.
0:52:39 > 0:52:42How do you feel after that?
0:52:42 > 0:52:44Actually, I'm speechless right now.
0:52:44 > 0:52:47I just can't believe this is all happening.
0:52:47 > 0:52:49CHEERING
0:52:51 > 0:52:54It's amazing what you've been through.
0:52:54 > 0:52:57Ellen has been absolutely in bits watching you.
0:52:57 > 0:53:00She's so, so proud of you. She set this whole thing up for you tonight.
0:53:00 > 0:53:02Oh! CHEERING
0:53:02 > 0:53:04You've got to come up! You've got to come up!
0:53:04 > 0:53:06You can't leave him here! Come on!
0:53:08 > 0:53:10It's your daughter, and your wife Ellen.
0:53:15 > 0:53:16CHEERING
0:53:21 > 0:53:22CHEERING
0:53:22 > 0:53:25I can't believe you guys did this to me.
0:53:30 > 0:53:33Ladies and gentlemen, a very highly emotional
0:53:33 > 0:53:37and wonderful Unexpected Star of tonight's show.
0:53:37 > 0:53:41- Please, one more time for the fantastic Marvin.- Thank you.
0:53:41 > 0:53:45And Ellen and his daughter. Thank you so, so much.
0:53:45 > 0:53:49Thank you, all. Thank you for coming. I'll see you next time.
0:53:49 > 0:53:50Good night and bravo.
0:53:50 > 0:53:51CHEERING
0:53:53 > 0:53:55If you know somebody you'd like to nominate to be
0:53:55 > 0:53:59an Unexpected Star of the show for the next series,
0:53:59 > 0:54:02or in fact want to nominate someone for any surprise,
0:54:02 > 0:54:06please go to bbc.co.uk/bigshow for all the details.