0:00:09 > 0:00:12'Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:12 > 0:00:17'please give a big Christmas welcome to Michael McIntyre!'
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Bravo!
0:00:19 > 0:00:22What do you know?
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Good evening! Hello!
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Bravo, let's have it!
0:00:28 > 0:00:34Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my Comedy Roadshow.
0:00:36 > 0:00:42Right here in my favourite festival of them all, it's Christmas!
0:00:42 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Christmas, all happening now, innit? It's all happening.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50All the women,
0:00:50 > 0:00:56you can see they get that sort of organisational look in their eye.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Just completely obsessed with planning.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I've got to get ready! Got so much to think about.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04It happens at the final firework on fireworks night,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07when you have the finale... Pttfft!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10The smoke clears and you see all the women going, "Christmas!"
0:01:10 > 0:01:13LAUGHTER
0:01:13 > 0:01:17"Got to start getting ready for Christmas now. Christmas is coming.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19"Don't talk to me, I'm thinking, I'm planning!
0:01:19 > 0:01:21"There's so much to do, darling!"
0:01:21 > 0:01:24LAUGHTER
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Men do the tree.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I love getting my tree and putting my tree up in my house.
0:01:29 > 0:01:34"Come, darling, see the tree I chose. Big, bushy tree."
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Then you decorate it, it looks beautiful, doesn't it?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39One of the main things to do when decorating a tree,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42as we all know, you have to make sure that the plug is at the back,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44so it doesn't ruin the aesthetic.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47The problem is that every night you leave it on, cos it looks so lovely
0:01:47 > 0:01:51then you're halfway up the stairs and you stop and you think...
0:01:51 > 0:01:53"There could be a fire."
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Which means that literally, every night of December before bed,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I'm downstairs under the tree...
0:01:59 > 0:02:03LAUGHTER
0:02:03 > 0:02:06"Darling, can you help me? I can't reach the button.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08"Button!"
0:02:12 > 0:02:13I tell you what,
0:02:13 > 0:02:18December, prime-time for Sellotape and scissors.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21It's when these two really come into their own, isn't it?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Everyone in this room has Sellotape and scissors.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27You think you know where they are.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29They're probably not there.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31They're always on the move.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34You're going, "I know where my Sellotape and scissors are."
0:02:34 > 0:02:37But not when you want them, not when you bloody want them!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40You open the drawer. "I thought they... Who's moved the scissors?!"
0:02:40 > 0:02:43They move on their own, scissors. They're crafty little bastards.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46And Sellotape, as soon as you leave Sellotape unattended,
0:02:46 > 0:02:48it'll wind itself up when you're not looking.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53Days on end in December are spent with me just looking round the tape.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55"How could this have happened?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57"Surely, soon, soon I will find a way.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"I think I've been here now for three days."
0:03:00 > 0:03:03And then you find it. "Finally! I'm in!"
0:03:03 > 0:03:07And you get some kind of weird backward triangle bit.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09"I'm not in. I thought I was in, but I'm not in!"
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Sometimes you give up.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15"I'm not going to look for the scissors any more.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"I'm going to buy new scissors, I don't care.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"I don't need to spend my life looking for scissors.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22"I'm going to get new scissors." You think you've won, don't you?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24You get new scissors.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26"I got some new scissors, forget the old scissors,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28"I'm not going to spend my life looking for those babies.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29"Here's my new scissors."
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Then you realise the scissors
0:03:32 > 0:03:35come in a plastic packaging that closely...
0:03:35 > 0:03:37closely covers the scissors.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42And you can't get in unless you have scissors.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43LAUGHTER
0:03:43 > 0:03:49The very thing you need is staring at you through the plastic window.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52They look at you, don't they? "Find a way in, dickhead!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54"You can't, can you?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57"Go on, find your old scissors. You thought you'd won!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00"You haven't won. We've won. The scissors have won."
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Most people use scissors in the classic way, don't they?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07They cut. You know how to use scissors.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10You get paper, you see how much you might need,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12then you start cutting like that. That's how people cut.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17But there are some people amongst us, gifted, special people...
0:04:17 > 0:04:19The gliders.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21LAUGHTER
0:04:21 > 0:04:23These people are amazing.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Hidden within normal society...
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Sss!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Sss!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Some can even do the ribbon thing.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Sss, prr-prr!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Most of us, we're not gifted in this way.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44But every single year,
0:04:44 > 0:04:48each and every non-gifted glider attempts the glide.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52You make sure nobody is looking.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54You try and do something you've seen others do.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I think you probably just push it there...
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Bfft! "I've ruined the paper! I've ruined the paper!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"It was supposed to go "Sss" and it went "Bffp!"
0:05:04 > 0:05:06"I will save my next attempt for next year!"
0:05:10 > 0:05:13It's for the kids, isn't it, Christmas?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Christmas, it's a time for the kids.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17And there are people in this room who do have children
0:05:17 > 0:05:19and there are people in this room who don't.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21CHEERING
0:05:21 > 0:05:24And the people who don't have children,
0:05:24 > 0:05:25they think they know, don't they?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28They think they know what it means to have children.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Sometimes they chat about it in their couples.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33"Oh, I'd love to start a family one day with you, it'd be lovely.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35"You'd make a really good dad."
0:05:35 > 0:05:36"I think you'd be an amazing mum.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37"Wouldn't be so lovely,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40"having little versions of you and me running around?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42"I'd love to have a family."
0:05:42 > 0:05:46And you think you know what you're talking about!
0:05:46 > 0:05:50You have no idea! You have no idea what it's like.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54You have no idea how difficult things will become in your life.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Things that you don't even consider to be things
0:05:57 > 0:05:59will become nearly impossible when you have children.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03I'm talking about things like leaving the house, for example.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07This is how people without children leave the house...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09"Shall we leave the house?"
0:06:09 > 0:06:10"Yes."
0:06:18 > 0:06:19This is how I leave the house almost every day.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22"Lucas! Oscar! Come downstairs!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25"We're late. Why aren't you downstairs? Put your shoes on."
0:06:25 > 0:06:27"I don't know where my shoes are!"
0:06:27 > 0:06:28"Put your shoes on.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31"Go and find your shoes. Where did you see them last?"
0:06:31 > 0:06:33"On my feet."
0:06:33 > 0:06:35"After that?! Get your shoes on. Come here, come here.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39"Arms up, arms up, arms in, arms in, arms up, arms up, arms in, arms in."
0:06:39 > 0:06:43That's my wife. She's so tired, she can't dress herself.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49"What arms? Darling, where are we going? I want to go to bed."
0:06:49 > 0:06:50"Where are we going?"
0:06:50 > 0:06:52"You've got Lucas's shoes on your hands.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53"I found your shoes, darling.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57"You put your shoes on. Where's Ozzie? Come downstairs! We're late!
0:06:57 > 0:06:58"Put your coat on."
0:06:58 > 0:07:00"I don't want to wear my coat."
0:07:00 > 0:07:04You know people without children, you know how you do zips up?
0:07:04 > 0:07:08I've seen how much time you have in your lives, how you focus on it.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11You get the one with the fabric, you just pop it in, don't you?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14It nestles in and then you pause, thinking about your free life
0:07:14 > 0:07:17and what you might like to do later that day.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20And then you just glide up, don't you?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Do you think I have time for that shit in my life?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Every single morning,
0:07:24 > 0:07:25"Argh!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"Stay still!
0:07:31 > 0:07:34"You'll have to put another coat on. I've ruined the zip.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35"I've made the situation worse. Ozzie!"
0:07:35 > 0:07:39My three-year-old will never come downstairs.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42The only way to get him to leave the house is to bluff,
0:07:42 > 0:07:43to pretend we're leaving without him,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45It's the only way it'll work.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47We have to all go, "Bye, Ozzie, we're all going."
0:07:47 > 0:07:49My other son loves it, the six-year-old.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52"Are we leaving Ozzie? Is he going to stay here? I hate him!"
0:07:52 > 0:07:55"Don't be so rude about your brother. Say goodbye.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58"We're not really leaving, we're pretending to leave. Say goodbye.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59"Bye-bye, Ozzie, bye-bye!"
0:07:59 > 0:08:03But he doesn't care, he just goes, "Bye-bye."
0:08:03 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Then we have to come back in and explain,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08"We're not really leaving, we love you."
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"It's OK, I'll buy you something if you come."
0:08:11 > 0:08:14This is every single time we leave the house.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15The other day, I had enough. I said,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18"I can't do this. We're bluffing, saying bye-bye to him."
0:08:18 > 0:08:20My wife says, "Let's go and get him."
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I'm like, "Stop, no... No, stop.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26"I cannot go through this every single time we leave the house.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28"He's driving me insane.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33"I say we call his bluff. I think he has to learn a lesson, OK?
0:08:33 > 0:08:34"Let's go, let's just go.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36"Let's go to Corfu, let's have a nice holiday."
0:08:36 > 0:08:40LAUGHTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:45You've no idea what it's like. You childless people, you have no idea.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Driving, you go driving, you drive in cars, don't you?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51What's the biggest drama you have to put up with?
0:08:51 > 0:08:55"Oh, it's a bit chilly. Put the blower on. Oh, that's nice now.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58"Oh, look, they've opened a new Carluccio's. We should go there.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02"We could go there any night. We could go there any night.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05"What's this song? I love this one."
0:09:05 > 0:09:08# Freedom! Freedom! #
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I strap my children into the car,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I work out what'll cut off the blood supply and I ease it a bit.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"Stay there!"
0:09:18 > 0:09:20We try and behave normally. "Oh, what's this song?"
0:09:20 > 0:09:23It's "The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round..."
0:09:23 > 0:09:25"Again, again!"
0:09:25 > 0:09:28"Look, darling, there's a new Carluccio's there."
0:09:28 > 0:09:30"We will never go there."
0:09:31 > 0:09:34The other day I was checking my children in the rear-view mirror
0:09:34 > 0:09:36to see that they're safe.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37We're on the motorway, OK.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41You angle it to check they're OK, because you're looking after them.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Neither of them were there.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45They had both wound the windows down
0:09:45 > 0:09:49and had their heads on the motorway out of the window, going,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51"Yay!"
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Both of them, either side. "Yay!"
0:09:54 > 0:09:57My wife and I just lost it. "Get in the car!"
0:09:57 > 0:10:00They can't hear us, they're having the times of their lives.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03"Yay! Daddy, what are you saying, Daddy?"
0:10:03 > 0:10:06On the motorway, going 80mph,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09I had to stick my head out of my window
0:10:09 > 0:10:11to try and communicate with my child.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13"Get in the car!"
0:10:13 > 0:10:14"What are you saying?"
0:10:14 > 0:10:16My wife's doing it too. "Get in the car!"
0:10:16 > 0:10:18"What is it, Mummy?"
0:10:18 > 0:10:21All four of us had our heads out of the window.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23APPLAUSE
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Meanwhile, a childless couple is driving past.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32"Oh, look at the kids. I'd love to start a family one day."
0:10:32 > 0:10:36You have no idea what you're talking about!
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Sleeping? Ha ha ha ha!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Sleeping at night?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45People without children, most nights, yeah?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47"Good night, darling, good night."
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Sometimes you go, "Sleep well".
0:10:50 > 0:10:53And the other one goes, "I will."
0:10:53 > 0:10:57That's how cocky, how arrogant you are. "I will, I know I will."
0:10:57 > 0:11:00"Good night, darling. Have a good sleep."
0:11:00 > 0:11:02"Good night."
0:11:02 > 0:11:03It's been a long time
0:11:03 > 0:11:07since my wife and I said "good night" to each other, OK?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Now we just go "Good luck."
0:11:10 > 0:11:13APPLAUSE
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"Good luck to you as well."
0:11:15 > 0:11:18All through the night, they're screaming,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20"Daddy! Daddy! Mummy! Mummy!"
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Sometimes they wake up, wide awake, in the middle of the night.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I'm asleep. It's like two o'clock in the morning,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27you know, sometimes you don't realise it,
0:11:27 > 0:11:28but you half open your eyes.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I half open my eyes, my son is in my face.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33"Argh!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36"What the hell are you doing here? What time is it? What time is it?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38"It's two in the morning, what do you want?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:41"I want to go to school."
0:11:41 > 0:11:43"You want to go to school?! What are you talking about?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45"Go back to bed."
0:11:45 > 0:11:46"I've got my shoes on."
0:11:46 > 0:11:49"You do. You found your shoes!"
0:11:50 > 0:11:51"I fixed my jacket."
0:11:51 > 0:11:54"How the hell did you...? It's done up! What are you doing?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57"It's two o'clock, you idiot! Go to bed! Where's Ozzie?"
0:11:57 > 0:11:58"He's by the front door."
0:11:58 > 0:12:02"He's never been there in his life! It's two in the morning!"
0:12:02 > 0:12:05APPLAUSE
0:12:05 > 0:12:06You have no idea.
0:12:08 > 0:12:14OK, well. My first guest is literally a legend of British comedy
0:12:14 > 0:12:18and I've been convincing him for most of the year to do the show.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Thankfully, he's agreed and I'm so honoured.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Please welcome, the magnificent Jack Dee is here, ladies and gentlemen.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27# Santa Claus is coming to town
0:12:27 > 0:12:30# Santa Claus is coming to town
0:12:30 > 0:12:35# Santa Claus is coming to town... #
0:12:35 > 0:12:37APPLAUSE
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Thank you, Michael McIntyre.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Let's hear it for Michael, he's done a great job.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52APPLAUSE
0:12:52 > 0:12:55You know, when he asked me to do the show
0:12:55 > 0:12:59I just said, "if there's anything I can do to help spread the cheer."
0:12:59 > 0:13:01LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:09I remember this time last year, big row in my household,
0:13:09 > 0:13:13had the Grand Theft Auto row with my teenage sons...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15"Why can't I have Grand Theft Auto?"
0:13:15 > 0:13:19"Because it's inappropriate. It's horrible, violent, misogynist."
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"Please! You'll ruin Christmas if I can't have it!"
0:13:22 > 0:13:23"I'm not buying you that game,
0:13:23 > 0:13:26"I'm not buying it for Christmas, it's a violent game.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29"It's not fun when you can run people over for extra points
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"and shoot people just for fun."
0:13:31 > 0:13:34"But all my mates have got it! You don't understand!"
0:13:34 > 0:13:36It went on and on and on.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40In the end they gave up and bought it for me, but it was, you know...
0:13:40 > 0:13:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Christmas shopping,
0:13:46 > 0:13:50those are the words that I really dread with Christmas shopping -
0:13:50 > 0:13:53"Is it a gift?"
0:13:53 > 0:13:55"No, I wear nighties."
0:13:55 > 0:13:58LAUGHTER
0:13:58 > 0:14:01"Give it here, I'll wear it out of the shop now."
0:14:01 > 0:14:03LAUGHTER
0:14:03 > 0:14:06I remember one year, the must-have present, my kids were after it,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09and they were desperate for... What the hell are they called?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12You have to pet them and look after them and feed them
0:14:12 > 0:14:15and stroke them and love them and if you leave them alone,
0:14:15 > 0:14:18then they start pining and if you neglect them they stop working...
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Guinea pigs, that's it, guinea pigs!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:25That was a bit of a sad one.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Came back from our New Year's holiday, just wasn't working at all.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Tried new batteries, everything.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37You know what I did this year?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39This is a great tip - you might want to do this.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43I've attached a shredder to my front door.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46All the Christmas cards just go straight in there. Bzzt!
0:14:46 > 0:14:47Bzzt!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Postman comes up, "What's that?"
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"Don't worry, just keep doing it." Bzzt!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Because, you know, what a hassle, aren't they, Christmas cards?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04You've got to open them and read them and see who they're from
0:15:04 > 0:15:09and find somewhere to put it on the mantelpiece, line them up
0:15:09 > 0:15:12and some idiot opens a door too quickly, they all go ff-ff...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14That's it. Christmas ruined.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17"Look at that, got to do that again now, you idiot."
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Better than the e-card. You open up an e-mail, there's an e-card?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25That's the card that says "I care", isn't it?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I care...click, click...that much.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Or worse, people now,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33they're putting glitter and tinsel and stuff inside the card.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37You open it up all innocently... "Oh, for Christ's sake!"
0:15:37 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER
0:15:40 > 0:15:42"Hiya! What are you doing this year?"
0:15:42 > 0:15:45"Well, I'm hoovering now, aren't I?"
0:15:45 > 0:15:47APPLAUSE
0:15:52 > 0:15:58These people who claim their pets give them presents as well.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00That's pretty hard to take, isn't it?
0:16:00 > 0:16:04"We had a lovely Christmas and Tabby bought me this lovely mug
0:16:04 > 0:16:07"with World's Best Cat Owner written on it."
0:16:07 > 0:16:12"Did he? Your cat bought you a present? Are you sure about that?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15"The cat got his little wallet, went out, got on the bus,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17"went to the shops?"
0:16:17 > 0:16:19"No, thanks, just browsing.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24"I'll have one of those mugs with... Because I can read as well!"
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I suggest it wasn't really a present from the cat
0:16:26 > 0:16:29unless it's a robin with its innards sucked out.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:34 > 0:16:36You've been a lovely audience.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Thank you very much and enjoy Christmas. Have a good New Year.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Thank you very much.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43APPLAUSE
0:16:45 > 0:16:49The wonderful Jack Dee, ladies and gentlemen! We're off!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Jack Dee was here! That's the way we roll!
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Now, we're going to play a little bit of Christmas music...
0:16:59 > 0:17:00AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02..to get us in the mood.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Some of my favourites, starting with an absolute classic.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09MUSIC: "Driving Home For Christmas" by Chris Rea
0:17:09 > 0:17:15No-one has been more thrilled to be stuck in traffic than Chris Rea.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Isn't he just so...?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21He loves his family so much!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Top-to-toe in tailbacks, but that doesn't perturb Chris Rea.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Cos it's Christmas and he loves his family!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30# I'm driving home for Christmas... #
0:17:32 > 0:17:38But then, you see, we all feel this way about Christmas...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40leading up to Christmas.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42But then Christmas Day comes, doesn't it?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45And there always comes that point when you've eaten too much
0:17:45 > 0:17:48and you've been getting pissed since breakfast.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49You've made the mistake
0:17:49 > 0:17:52of thinking a champagne at breakfast was a good idea.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Now you have a headache, you're sitting at the table.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57The Christmas-scented candles
0:17:57 > 0:18:01are mixing in now with the post-Brussels sprout farts.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05And you just stare individually at everyone at the table.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09And you think, "This is why I don't talk to you people
0:18:09 > 0:18:12"for most of the year."
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I think Chris Rea felt the same way because the following year,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18with regards to the same journey, he released this...
0:18:18 > 0:18:21# This is the road to hell... #
0:18:21 > 0:18:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:26 > 0:18:28We listen to at Christmas...
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Every December we listen to the same music over and over again.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33And it does work. It makes it feel Christmassy
0:18:33 > 0:18:36and we have our favourites and the ones that we don't like so much.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Shops next door to each other, you hear different songs.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42In a department store, you'll hear two or three at the same time
0:18:42 > 0:18:45and you just go into this weird Christmas zombie.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47And there are certain lyrics to Christmas songs
0:18:47 > 0:18:49and every time I hear them,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51they just annoy me, like this, for example...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54# With logs on the fire
0:18:54 > 0:18:56# And gifts on the tree... #
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Under the tree, Cliff, come on!
0:19:01 > 0:19:04You're supposed to own Christmas, Cliff Richard,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06you don't even know where the presents go!
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Just how much of Christmas has Cliff got wrong?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Is he putting the turkey on top of the tree?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Is he stuffing the crackers? Is he wearing the stockings?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17"These things are kind of hard to walk in, guys,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"with the tangerines in the bottom, yeah!"
0:19:24 > 0:19:26# Last Christmas I gave you my heart
0:19:26 > 0:19:32# But the very next day You gave it away... #
0:19:32 > 0:19:36That's the fleeting nature of cruising, George.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my next guest?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47CHEERING
0:19:47 > 0:19:50My show has been running for two series,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53and the very, very first show we ever had,
0:19:53 > 0:19:57I put on my very favourite comedian to headline the show,
0:19:57 > 0:19:59and I thought it'd be fitting
0:19:59 > 0:20:01for him to come back for the Christmas Special.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Please welcome the fantastic Mr Rhod Gilbert!
0:20:04 > 0:20:08# Snow is falling all around me
0:20:08 > 0:20:12# Children playing, having fun... #
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Hello!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18HELLO!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Good evening. Merry Christmas!
0:20:22 > 0:20:23ALL: Merry Christmas.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Anybody else get rubbish presents? CHEERING
0:20:26 > 0:20:29How tight is this? How tight is this?
0:20:29 > 0:20:33One year my parents got me Hide And Seek for Christmas!
0:20:35 > 0:20:36That's taking the mick, isn't it?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39You can't give somebody Hide And Seek -
0:20:39 > 0:20:42it's just an idea that's been around for hundreds of years.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45My mum went, "It's the thought that counts."
0:20:45 > 0:20:47"Well, I've got a thought, Mum - you're going into a home."
0:20:47 > 0:20:49How about that?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I always seem to get the rubbish...
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I give people good things - it's not that problem of...
0:20:54 > 0:20:58I gave my girlfriend an iPad. You know what she gave me?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01She gave me a toothbrush.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Firstly, you cheeky cow, it's like giving somebody deodorant.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09This is... I wouldn't have minded an ordinary toothbrush.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12This is the monstrosity she got me.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I said, "How much did you spend on this?"
0:21:14 > 0:21:20She said, "It was on sale - it was very cheap. It was only £179.99."
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I said, "Oh, well!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25"A toothbrush for under 200 quid certainly sounds like a bargain!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"You've certainly saved us a few quid there
0:21:28 > 0:21:30"with your bargain-hunting, haven't you?
0:21:30 > 0:21:35"Toothbrush for under 200 quid..." She said, "But it IS a bargain!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38"Look, it's awesome! It's the best you can get.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41"It's got a rechargeable brush, it's got five brushing modes,
0:21:41 > 0:21:45"it's got a computer! Look, it's got an on-board computer."
0:21:45 > 0:21:47I said, "That's different if it's got a computer,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50"cos at the moment I'm using a separate toothbrush and laptop.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52"It's pretty straightforward
0:21:52 > 0:21:56"to get everything onto the toothbrush, is it?"
0:21:56 > 0:21:59"Do I just put it all on a USB stick
0:21:59 > 0:22:02"and copy it onto the toothbrush?"
0:22:02 > 0:22:05She said, "I don't think it's a computer in that way."
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I said, "I mainly do word processing. Has it got Word or Office?"
0:22:08 > 0:22:11She said, "No." I said, "What about the internet?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14"Can I go online, check my emails?" She said, "I don't think so."
0:22:14 > 0:22:17"Has it got Bluetooth? Has it got a DVD drive?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20"How many USB ports has it got? Has it got iTunes?"
0:22:20 > 0:22:22She said, "No, it doesn't do any of that."
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I said, "Would you mind telling me, for the love of God,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29"for £179.99, what this toothbrush-computer does?!"
0:22:29 > 0:22:31You know what she said?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34She said, "It tells you how many times you've used the toothbrush."
0:22:38 > 0:22:41It tells you how many times you've used the toothbrush!
0:22:41 > 0:22:45At last, I can stop taking an abacus into the bathroom.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49No longer do I have to scratch five-bar gates
0:22:49 > 0:22:50into the bathroom walls.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54At last I can throw out all the paper tooth-cleaning records
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I've been keeping.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Am I missing something here?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Why would you want to know how many times you've used your toothbrush?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04She said, "It's so you know when to buy a new toothbrush."
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I said, "I know!"
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Maybe I'm unusually gifted - call me the Toothbrush Whisperer -
0:23:10 > 0:23:13but I know when to buy a new toothbrush.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I buy a new one when the one I'm using starts looking
0:23:16 > 0:23:20less like Ken Barlow and more like Ken Dodd. That's when I know!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I know! I know!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24She said, "But it's got a timer on it."
0:23:24 > 0:23:28I said, "Oh, well, I take it all back! If it's got a timer on it,
0:23:28 > 0:23:29"that changes everything.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31"Only this morning, I fancied a boiled egg
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"but I didn't have a toothbrush handy to time it."
0:23:34 > 0:23:38"I tried timing it on a loofah, but the yolk was still runny."
0:23:38 > 0:23:40She said, "You don't understand.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44"With a timer, it knows how long you've been brushing your teeth."
0:23:44 > 0:23:48I said, "So do I. Again, I know. I was there when I started!"
0:23:48 > 0:23:51"I kicked off the whole tooth-brushing thing..."
0:23:51 > 0:23:54What's the worst that can happen if I forget
0:23:54 > 0:23:56when I started brushing my teeth?
0:23:56 > 0:24:00I lose track of time and plough on into the night?!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Brushing through the following day and the day after...
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Day after day, relentless.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Two weeks later, my neighbours have started to worry
0:24:08 > 0:24:10cos they haven't seen me for a fortnight
0:24:10 > 0:24:14and there's a weird froth bubbling out of the bathroom window.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17The froth comes out of the bathroom window, into the street.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Drivers are abandoning their vehicles
0:24:20 > 0:24:23because visibility is reduced to a couple of feet.
0:24:23 > 0:24:29Disoriented foam-covered drivers, staggering helplessly,
0:24:29 > 0:24:32their eyes burning with peppermint...
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Search and rescue helicopters whirr overhead.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41News teams from around the globe arrive on my doorstep.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Eventually, riot police break down my door to find me
0:24:44 > 0:24:49in a foam-filled bathroom in blood-soaked pyjamas,
0:24:49 > 0:24:53still brushing a toothless, gummy, gaping hole
0:24:53 > 0:24:56where my face used to be.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Like some kind of minty Danniella Westbrook.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Ladies and gentlemen, I've got a tangerine to peel.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Merry, merry Christmas. Cheers!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Thank you.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Rhod Gilbert, ladies and gentlemen!
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Thank you! Well done.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27One more time, please, for the fantastic Mr Rhod Gilbert!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Christmas Day, of course, is one of the few days when I know the date.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36I don't tend to know the date.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I know the date on Christmas Day, that's the 25th. I know my birthday.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42And then maybe New Year's Day.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Other than that, I depend on other people for the date.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47If I don't know the date, I just ask another human for the date.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50"Excuse me, have you got the date?" Sometimes they don't know.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I just ask another human. Sometimes they tell me.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Sometimes, annoyingly, they don't tell you.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57They tell you a date from the past,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59and it comes with very difficult mathematics
0:25:59 > 0:26:01in order to work out today's date.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02"Excuse me, have you got the date?"
0:26:02 > 0:26:06"No, but last Tuesday was the 14th." Then they walk off.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08You're left there going, "What does that mean to me?!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10"Tuesday, Wednesday, Thurs..."
0:26:10 > 0:26:13You can't do that with the time. "Excuse me, have you got the time?"
0:26:13 > 0:26:15"No, but I know I woke up at 8:11."
0:26:15 > 0:26:19"Really? What happened then? How long was breakfast?"
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I still haven't changed all the clocks since the clocks went back.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Can I ask, by way of applause,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26who else still hasn't changed all their clocks?
0:26:26 > 0:26:27APPLAUSE RIPPLES
0:26:27 > 0:26:31It's not many. Ruth, which one haven't you changed?
0:26:31 > 0:26:35The cooker! The cooker's really hard, isn't it?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Cos you lose the instructions and then you're just guessing.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41You're just twiddling that weird loopy arrow thing...
0:26:41 > 0:26:42"How do I do this?!" The bell goes off...
0:26:42 > 0:26:44"I'm not even going to change it, Eamonn!"
0:26:44 > 0:26:47"You can't come to bed unless you've changed the clock, Ruth."
0:26:47 > 0:26:50"Really? Really?"
0:26:52 > 0:26:54The hardest one to change for me looks like the easiest.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56It's just the clock on the wall.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59It's got to be the easiest one to change.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01You take it off, you just twiddle the thing an hour,
0:27:01 > 0:27:03and you think, "That's that."
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Then you have to get it back on the wall.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07There's a nail sticking out the wall,
0:27:07 > 0:27:09and you can see on the back there's a hole.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12You think, "This is going to be... Should just slot straight on.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16"Any moment now, that should just slot itself...
0:27:16 > 0:27:18"I don't really understand why..." You check the hole.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20"There's the hole. There's the...
0:27:20 > 0:27:22"Sooner or later, this'll definitely be..."
0:27:22 > 0:27:27Then you think, "Maybe I can watch it on. I'm watching the hole...
0:27:27 > 0:27:31"I don't understand why... It's still not... Doesn't seem to be..."
0:27:31 > 0:27:35It's almost like there's someone behind the wall, going...
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:27:42 > 0:27:46my next guest is a man who I quite simply...
0:27:46 > 0:27:49My wife and I, every time we watch him on television,
0:27:49 > 0:27:51it's like, "This is the funniest guy out there."
0:27:51 > 0:27:53And I wanted to get him involved in my show.
0:27:53 > 0:27:58And I asked him, and, thankfully, he is here. He is wonderful.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, from the Royal Box...
0:28:02 > 0:28:04CHEERING
0:28:04 > 0:28:06I give you David Mitchell!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Thank you.
0:28:20 > 0:28:25Today, Christmas Day, is a special day,
0:28:25 > 0:28:28which means it's not normal.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33I am not usually allowed to sit in this box and address the nation,
0:28:33 > 0:28:35because I'm not, yet, Queen.
0:28:37 > 0:28:38But this is all fine,
0:28:38 > 0:28:42because I doubt things are normal where you are either.
0:28:42 > 0:28:46You're probably surrounded by family. The ones you love,
0:28:46 > 0:28:48and the other ones.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Look around you now, at the ones you love.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Now look at the other ones.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56That should give you something to talk about.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00So things aren't normal at the moment because of Christmas,
0:29:00 > 0:29:03a religio-retail festival like none other.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Its rivals just last for a day.
0:29:05 > 0:29:10You get a red rose, pancake, pumpkin, firework or poppy
0:29:10 > 0:29:12and have a bloody good time.
0:29:12 > 0:29:17But for Christmas, everything changes completely for a whole month.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21It's as alien as if we'd suddenly become Germany.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24But it's not Germany, it's Christmas Land.
0:29:24 > 0:29:29So instead of sausages and genocidal guilt,
0:29:29 > 0:29:33we get mulled wine and indoor trees.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37They're an odd bunch, the people of Christmas Land.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41While our popular music tends to centre around empty cliches of love,
0:29:41 > 0:29:45theirs centres around empty cliches of goodwill,
0:29:45 > 0:29:48and is much more likely to mention reindeer,
0:29:48 > 0:29:52an animal with which the people of Christmas Land are obsessed,
0:29:52 > 0:29:55for reasons which still baffle anthropologists.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58Their best guess is that the thing about reindeer
0:29:58 > 0:30:02that the people of Christmas Land most admire is that they can fly.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05What remains unclear is why,
0:30:05 > 0:30:08when selecting an animal to admire for its powers of flight,
0:30:08 > 0:30:11they didn't settle on one that could actually fly.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Like a robin.
0:30:13 > 0:30:19They're very fond of the robin, but invariably portray it standing still.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Nothing is more artistic to the people of Christmas Land
0:30:22 > 0:30:26than a painting of a reindeer flying over a static robin.
0:30:27 > 0:30:31They send these pictures to each other on little pieces of card.
0:30:31 > 0:30:36They look at them and they think, "Ah, yes, a typical scene."
0:30:36 > 0:30:40So, clearly Christmas Land faces educational challenges.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43And that's probably because no-one ever goes to school.
0:30:43 > 0:30:44And they hardly go to work.
0:30:44 > 0:30:49If they do, they simply drink heavily and try to cop off with each other.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51But it's not all good news.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Christmas Land has a dark side.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57Once steamed up on eggnog, they can be warlike people.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59If you're seen eating a salad
0:30:59 > 0:31:02rather than a heavy fruitcake wrapped in disgusting marzipan,
0:31:02 > 0:31:05you may find yourself rebuked with the phrase,
0:31:05 > 0:31:08"That's not very Christmassy!"
0:31:08 > 0:31:11Which gives a troubling glimpse into their nationalistic fervour.
0:31:11 > 0:31:16But, all in all, I enjoy my annual holiday in Christmas Land
0:31:16 > 0:31:19and feel that we have something to learn from these generous,
0:31:19 > 0:31:23musical, family orientated, lazy, argumentative,
0:31:23 > 0:31:26obese, alcoholic and reindeer-obsessed people.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29And they're certainly a lot nicer than their neighbours -
0:31:29 > 0:31:32the tedious, puritanical, impecunious,
0:31:32 > 0:31:34miserable people of January Land,
0:31:34 > 0:31:37who bang on endlessly about their failed diets,
0:31:37 > 0:31:39whilst shaking with nicotine withdrawal.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Good luck getting a present out of those bastards!
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Merry Christmas!
0:31:46 > 0:31:48APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Wonderful! The fantastic Mr David Mitchell.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Thank you so much! Brilliant.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02Ah, Heston, my man. Heston Blumenthal. Lovin' Heston!
0:32:02 > 0:32:06In fact, I didn't know you were coming, and they just told me,
0:32:06 > 0:32:09so I brought my glasses out, because I have glasses like you.
0:32:09 > 0:32:13People don't know this about me. This is a little bit of an insight.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16A little bit of a revelation. This is me in the day.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19You know, daytime me, not stage me, this is stage me.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21You know this guy, "Hello!"
0:32:21 > 0:32:23That's it. Camper than you'd imagine. "Hi!" Like that.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26This is daytime me. "Hello." Quite serious, less camp.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29This is daytime me. And people who are used to seeing that guy,
0:32:29 > 0:32:31they can't cope with this guy.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34They come up to me, almost on a daily basis, and go,
0:32:34 > 0:32:36"Oh, my God, that's so weird, Oh, my God!"
0:32:36 > 0:32:41"Oh, my God! D'you wear glasses?"
0:32:41 > 0:32:43"Oh, my God! D'you wear glasses?"
0:32:43 > 0:32:46Now, correct me if I'm wrong, that's quite a strange question
0:32:46 > 0:32:49to ask of somebody who has glasses on their face.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52I don't know quite how they expect me to respond.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54"Oh no, I saw Avatar last year,
0:32:54 > 0:32:56"I must have left them... Thank you so much!
0:32:56 > 0:32:58"Silly me!
0:32:58 > 0:33:01"Darling, why didn't you tell me I've been walking around in them?
0:33:01 > 0:33:02"I was supposed to put them in the bin!"
0:33:05 > 0:33:08But some people have glasses for reading, reading glasses.
0:33:08 > 0:33:09They'll have them with them,
0:33:09 > 0:33:12because they never know when reading might occur.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15They go, "I have my reading glasses, just in case reading should happen."
0:33:15 > 0:33:19When reading occurs, it's "Ah! Reading is happening now."
0:33:19 > 0:33:21They tend to make a point with their glasses.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Reading glasses people feel very powerful with their glasses.
0:33:24 > 0:33:28"Just before I put them on, I'd like to make some additional points."
0:33:28 > 0:33:32Then they open them up, and they have further points with them open.
0:33:32 > 0:33:33They read in this direction,
0:33:33 > 0:33:36all the reading goes here, so I can still see you here.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39"Don't pull anything over there, I'm reading in this direction."
0:33:39 > 0:33:40Not everybody with reading glasses
0:33:40 > 0:33:43from the longsighted fraternity goes with the glasses here.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46People choose to put them in different places on their body.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49Some people, it's difficult to know how to describe them.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51I would say that they're not sexually active,
0:33:51 > 0:33:54I think that would be the most accurate way.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56They must have had sex in their life,
0:33:56 > 0:33:58but they've now moved into a phase, a period of their life
0:33:58 > 0:34:01when they've decided that they won't be having sex any more,
0:34:01 > 0:34:05with people, and they don't want them to want to have sex with them.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07They live a sexless life.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09These people will have a string
0:34:09 > 0:34:12that goes round their neck and joins up on this side
0:34:12 > 0:34:17and they sort of bounce around, on their sexless bodies.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19In case they need to read.
0:34:19 > 0:34:23"Ah! I shall sign the divorce papers, yes, why not? There you go."
0:34:23 > 0:34:27But, without a shadow of a doubt, the coolest,
0:34:27 > 0:34:31no doubt about this, the coolest reading glasses people in the world
0:34:31 > 0:34:35are the people who manage to maintain their glasses,
0:34:35 > 0:34:37on their forehead.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40How cool are these people? How do they even do it?
0:34:40 > 0:34:42They have magnificent eyebrow control.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44They can access them whenever they need to.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47"Would you like to see the wine list?" "Yes, I will!"
0:34:47 > 0:34:48How cool are these guys?
0:34:48 > 0:34:51APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:34:51 > 0:34:54Just so you know I can read at any...moment!
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, on Christmas Day,
0:35:04 > 0:35:06it's Father Christmas.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08CHEERING
0:35:08 > 0:35:11# I don't want a lot for Christmas
0:35:11 > 0:35:14# There is just one thing I need
0:35:14 > 0:35:17# I don't care about those presents
0:35:17 > 0:35:19# Underneath the Christmas tree... #
0:35:19 > 0:35:21He-ey!
0:35:21 > 0:35:24Merry Christmas!
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Ah! Thank you so much!
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Oh, good evening, everybody.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36I'm Father Christmas.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40Joking, I am. I'm not Santa.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44But I have got a bulging sack.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Louis Walsh's eyes have perked up at that!
0:35:52 > 0:35:54What a night, what a night.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56Christmas night. Best night of the year.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00And hey, look at our audience.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04Some of the biggest names in British show business...
0:36:04 > 0:36:06are at home, watching this right now.
0:36:06 > 0:36:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:11 > 0:36:15Where's the beautiful Carol Vorderman?
0:36:15 > 0:36:18Oh, you do it for me, Carol.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21Carol, you know you do it for me. I've told you before now.
0:36:21 > 0:36:25And the fact that you are, what, 20 feet away from me?
0:36:25 > 0:36:26Proof positive
0:36:26 > 0:36:30that an injunction isn't worth the paper it's written on.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36And I'll be honest, Carol,
0:36:36 > 0:36:40I regret taking it out now, I really do.
0:36:40 > 0:36:44- And you just started on Loose Women. - I love it.- I bet you do!
0:36:44 > 0:36:47I started on loose women a long time ago.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Port Talbot, 1985.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56I'm sensing, I'm smelling somebody Welsh here.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59Where are they?
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Katherine Jenkins.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04And Gethin Jones.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07What a delightful Welsh pair!
0:37:07 > 0:37:09Stop it!
0:37:10 > 0:37:15Stop it, Katherine had the fastest- selling opera album of all time.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17She holds four Guinness World Records,
0:37:17 > 0:37:21and she was the first artist to be number one and two
0:37:21 > 0:37:25in the classical charts at the same time!
0:37:25 > 0:37:26And Gethin?
0:37:26 > 0:37:28Gethin is her fiance.
0:37:32 > 0:37:33Does she sing a lot at home?
0:37:33 > 0:37:35She does, yes.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39IN OPERATIC FALSETTO: # Would you doooo the vacuuuuming?
0:37:39 > 0:37:43# Would you tidy up your rooooom? #
0:37:43 > 0:37:45That's not bad! Come on, Katherine.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48Will you give it back to me?
0:37:48 > 0:37:51# Oh, Katherine
0:37:51 > 0:37:55# Christmas time is special! #
0:37:55 > 0:37:57# Yes, it is! #
0:37:57 > 0:38:00APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:38:02 > 0:38:06Oh, yeah, lovely, OK.
0:38:06 > 0:38:14INTRO TO "SHOUT": # We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ellll... #
0:38:14 > 0:38:18She's here. She's here. Lulu, how are you?
0:38:18 > 0:38:19I love you.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23You look fantastic.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26You have the glow that can only come
0:38:26 > 0:38:29from having a winter fuel allowance.
0:38:31 > 0:38:32APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:38:36 > 0:38:40Oh, my God. Holly Valance. Hey, Holly!
0:38:40 > 0:38:41CROWD CHEER AND WHOOP
0:38:41 > 0:38:45Ah! With her partner, the wonderful Mr Nick Candy.
0:38:45 > 0:38:46We saw you on Strictly.
0:38:46 > 0:38:50You were always there supporting her, that was lovely to see.
0:38:50 > 0:38:55And Holly, you and Nick, I know how much they love Christmas.
0:38:55 > 0:38:59Holly Valance and Nick Candy love Christmas. They're traditionalists.
0:38:59 > 0:39:04I can picture them now. He's admiring the Holly bush...
0:39:04 > 0:39:05LAUGHTER
0:39:05 > 0:39:08..and she's sucking on some Candy.
0:39:08 > 0:39:09It's very...
0:39:09 > 0:39:13No, no, no! No! No, don't, no, no, don't. Don't do that. Stop it.
0:39:13 > 0:39:14Stop twisting it!
0:39:16 > 0:39:19Holly, it's lovely to have you here. All our lovely celebrities,
0:39:19 > 0:39:23give them a big round of applause, and a merry Christmas to you all!
0:39:23 > 0:39:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Rob Brydon, ladies and gentlemen!
0:39:31 > 0:39:33What do you know?
0:39:36 > 0:39:40That was tense. That was tense with you guys in the front.
0:39:40 > 0:39:44And Gino D'Acampo, so good to see you.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47Everything all right, Gino? This Morning is good?
0:39:47 > 0:39:49I get the feeling that Phil and Holly,
0:39:49 > 0:39:52they just wait for you to say silly things, don't they?
0:39:52 > 0:39:54- And they giggle. - I just say normal things.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56- You think they're normal things? - Yes.
0:39:56 > 0:40:00Some words come out a bit... They do come out funny, Gino.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02Can I ask you to say a word?
0:40:02 > 0:40:04I might be wrong, but I heard you say the other day
0:40:04 > 0:40:07and it really made me laugh. Can I ask you to say "household"?
0:40:07 > 0:40:10- Hars'ol.- Yes. I was right.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21Is there any way we could get a microphone for that?
0:40:21 > 0:40:26We'd love to have a microphone for Gino D'Acampo. I smell comedy.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32It's coming down. It's coming down. Thank you, Lulu.
0:40:34 > 0:40:35Hello.
0:40:35 > 0:40:36It's Gino D'Acampo!
0:40:39 > 0:40:44Gino, sorry. Could I just get you to say the word "household" for me?
0:40:44 > 0:40:46Hars'ol.
0:40:46 > 0:40:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:51 > 0:40:54OK, let's try it in a sentence.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59"Brussels sprouts give me a lot of trouble in my household."
0:40:59 > 0:41:04Brussels sprouts gives me a lot of trouble with my hars'ol.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07That's close.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11I think we won't do this all night, but it is tempting.
0:41:13 > 0:41:17"I love presents, I have piles in my household."
0:41:25 > 0:41:27We'll end on that.
0:41:27 > 0:41:32I love presents, I have piles in my hars'ol.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36OK, that's enough. Thank you so much, Gino.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39I couldn't imagine anything being funnier.
0:41:42 > 0:41:46Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is quite simply
0:41:46 > 0:41:48one of the greatest stand-up comedians
0:41:48 > 0:41:50working in the country today.
0:41:50 > 0:41:52I am so honoured to have him on my show.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54Please, ladies and gentlemen,
0:41:54 > 0:41:56all your love for the wonderful Sean Lock is here!
0:41:56 > 0:42:01# So here it is, Merry Christmas
0:42:01 > 0:42:05# Everybody's having fun
0:42:05 > 0:42:09# Look to the future now
0:42:09 > 0:42:15# It's only just begun. #
0:42:17 > 0:42:23Thank you. Thank you. So, here it is, Merry Christmas.
0:42:23 > 0:42:27Sometimes I think it would be good to have Christmas every two years,
0:42:27 > 0:42:31just so Noddy Holder finally has to dip into his savings, you know?
0:42:33 > 0:42:35Madonna doesn't celebrate Christmas.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38She doesn't celebrate Christmas because she follows the Kabbalah.
0:42:38 > 0:42:42Which is a religion that even Scientologists think is bollocks.
0:42:49 > 0:42:54I think it's amazing. I mean, she named herself Madonna, didn't she?
0:42:54 > 0:42:57She chose that name. Madonna, after Mary, the mother of Jesus.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59And she doesn't celebrate Christmas.
0:42:59 > 0:43:04It's a bit like finding out Captain Birdseye doesn't like fish.
0:43:04 > 0:43:07Mr Whippy's lactose intolerant.
0:43:09 > 0:43:12She'd be brilliant at Christmas, wouldn't she, with those arms?
0:43:12 > 0:43:14Be a brilliant nutcracker, wouldn't she?
0:43:14 > 0:43:16"There you go!" Kkkhh!
0:43:16 > 0:43:18"Anyone want walnuts? Anyone want walnuts?"
0:43:18 > 0:43:22She's so strong, isn't she? I always think having sex with Madonna
0:43:22 > 0:43:25would be a bit like being wheel-clamped, wouldn't it?
0:43:28 > 0:43:31You'd have to phone a special number to get released.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36Of course, this is a time of year we should think about people
0:43:36 > 0:43:40for whom Christmas isn't a time of joy, celebration and happiness.
0:43:40 > 0:43:43People like my wife, for example.
0:43:43 > 0:43:44I'm always getting it wrong.
0:43:44 > 0:43:48One year I said, "What do you want?" She said, "Surprise me."
0:43:48 > 0:43:50So I phoned her from Morocco.
0:43:57 > 0:44:00I read something the other day, this is true, apparently.
0:44:00 > 0:44:0390% of the toys that will be bought this Christmas are made in China.
0:44:03 > 0:44:0590% of them.
0:44:05 > 0:44:09Which makes the Chinese, technically, elves. Doesn't it?
0:44:17 > 0:44:19They're elves. Whether they like it or not, you're elves.
0:44:19 > 0:44:21I'm sorry, but you're elves.
0:44:21 > 0:44:25When you think, slowly the Chinese are taking over the world,
0:44:25 > 0:44:28maybe Lord Of The Rings isn't such a load of old tosh.
0:44:29 > 0:44:31There might be something in it.
0:44:32 > 0:44:36This year, I've asked for 400 packets of pork scratchings.
0:44:36 > 0:44:37I'm not going to eat them.
0:44:37 > 0:44:40My theory is that basically it's the outside of a pig.
0:44:40 > 0:44:43Pork scratchings are a pig jigsaw, aren't they?
0:44:50 > 0:44:54If you get 400 packets from the same place, you can build a pig.
0:44:54 > 0:44:58The whole family can join in.
0:44:58 > 0:45:01Cos the thing I worry about most at this time of year is my six-pack.
0:45:01 > 0:45:03I worry a lot about my six-pack.
0:45:03 > 0:45:06What are you laughing at? I've got a six-pack.
0:45:06 > 0:45:10The trouble is, mine's in my forehead, look.
0:45:10 > 0:45:12Look at that. That's bad, isn't it, that?
0:45:12 > 0:45:14If you can't see at the back,
0:45:14 > 0:45:18basically, I make Gordon Ramsay look like Hannah Montana.
0:45:20 > 0:45:24Look at it! How did my face get like this?
0:45:24 > 0:45:28What have I seen to pull this expression so much in my life?
0:45:31 > 0:45:33What have I seen?!
0:45:33 > 0:45:38The only explanation for a face like this was if I had amnesia
0:45:38 > 0:45:40and I drove a ghost train.
0:45:49 > 0:45:51I'm sure there's a reason for every single one.
0:45:51 > 0:45:56That one, that's when the council changed the bin collection day.
0:45:56 > 0:45:59This deep one here, there's a deep one here,
0:45:59 > 0:46:03that's caused by man's inhumanity to man.
0:46:03 > 0:46:06Oh, the human race is capable of some terrible things.
0:46:06 > 0:46:08This one's when they changed Jif to Cif.
0:46:11 > 0:46:17You've been a lovely crowd, thank you very much and good night. Thank you.
0:46:19 > 0:46:23The lovely Sean Lock, the fantastic Sean Lock, the hilarious Sean Lock.
0:46:23 > 0:46:25Sean Lock was here!
0:46:28 > 0:46:32OK, now, listen, guys. You're aware that it's Christmas. OK?
0:46:32 > 0:46:36You know, it's a time for people to be together with their loved ones.
0:46:36 > 0:46:39And I was just kind of cheekily trying to take advantage
0:46:39 > 0:46:41of the fact that we have a lot of people here.
0:46:41 > 0:46:45Because, and I'm being serious about this, I have a friend.
0:46:45 > 0:46:48And he is basically looking for love.
0:46:48 > 0:46:53I think he deserves it. He's a good guy. And he is here.
0:46:53 > 0:46:56And I'm going to just ask if perhaps
0:46:56 > 0:46:59I could do a little bit of Christmas matchmaking
0:46:59 > 0:47:03and just ask if there are any single girls in the audience?
0:47:03 > 0:47:04ME!
0:47:04 > 0:47:07Any single girls?
0:47:07 > 0:47:10- Any single girls at all? - Michael! Michael!
0:47:10 > 0:47:12- ME! ME!- It could be anybody.
0:47:12 > 0:47:17- Michael!- There must be somebody... Oh, here!- I'm desperate!
0:47:17 > 0:47:20- I think we have one. - I'm desperate!
0:47:20 > 0:47:25All right, then. You can come up. Ladies and gentlemen, a single girl.
0:47:27 > 0:47:29Ha ha ha ha!
0:47:29 > 0:47:32Nice to meet you.
0:47:32 > 0:47:35How are you? Nice to meet you. I'm Michael.
0:47:35 > 0:47:38Thanks for coming up. I know it must be quite nerve-wracking.
0:47:38 > 0:47:39Are you enjoying the show?
0:47:39 > 0:47:42- I love it. Michael McIntyre! - Can I just ask your name?
0:47:42 > 0:47:45It's Miranda.
0:47:45 > 0:47:48Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Miranda.
0:47:49 > 0:47:53So, you're obviously single.
0:47:53 > 0:47:54I don't mean obviously!
0:47:54 > 0:47:59- I meant because of what's just gone on.- Sure. Because of that.
0:47:59 > 0:48:03- Have you been single for a while? - Many years.
0:48:03 > 0:48:06OK. So, listen, as I say, I've got a friend
0:48:06 > 0:48:09and I'm just wondering what it is that you look for in a man.
0:48:09 > 0:48:15Well, normally I go for quite lithe sportsmen.
0:48:15 > 0:48:18- Sportsmen?- Yeah, you know that sort of look, lithe and lean?
0:48:18 > 0:48:19But actually, I'm thinking
0:48:19 > 0:48:22I'd probably like someone a bit stockier, a bit chubbier.
0:48:22 > 0:48:24A fat sportsman?
0:48:24 > 0:48:28I'm really looking for a bit of a cheeky geezer type, you know?
0:48:28 > 0:48:30Like me?
0:48:30 > 0:48:33Well... Hmmm.
0:48:33 > 0:48:37No offence, but I have been out with quite a lot of posh boys
0:48:37 > 0:48:39and I do not want to do that again.
0:48:39 > 0:48:43- Oh, OK. I think I'm feeling quietly confident, Miranda.- Really?
0:48:43 > 0:48:46If I could just ask you maybe to come over here and wait?
0:48:46 > 0:48:49This is Miranda, ladies and gentlemen.
0:48:49 > 0:48:54Who knows? This seems to be going to plan. All right.
0:48:54 > 0:48:59I'm going to bring out my friend, and we'll see if this pans out.
0:48:59 > 0:49:02So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Smithy.
0:49:16 > 0:49:19All right? All right?
0:49:22 > 0:49:25Smithy, I said I was going to try and sort you out today.
0:49:25 > 0:49:28- I've been true to my word. I got somebody.- I appreciate it.
0:49:28 > 0:49:30- You all right?- Yeah, I'm good.
0:49:30 > 0:49:34Listen, beggars can't be choosers and all that.
0:49:34 > 0:49:37But what are you looking for in a girl?
0:49:37 > 0:49:39What am I looking for? I'm not fussy, really.
0:49:39 > 0:49:42I mean...
0:49:42 > 0:49:46The last girl I was with... I wasn't with her, it was weird.
0:49:46 > 0:49:50We weren't, like, together. But she was quite a big girl.
0:49:50 > 0:49:53So I don't mind that. I don't mind if she's big.
0:49:53 > 0:49:56She was quite working class, though.
0:49:56 > 0:50:02So I wouldn't mind if it was someone a bit posher. You know what I mean?
0:50:02 > 0:50:05That would be good. In an ideal world, what would be really great,
0:50:05 > 0:50:10is if I was with someone who was constantly with, like, a film crew,
0:50:10 > 0:50:13who had a camera, and then while we're having a conversation
0:50:13 > 0:50:16she could look down the lens...
0:50:16 > 0:50:19and then tell that lens exactly what she was feeling.
0:50:19 > 0:50:21And then there'd be no games.
0:50:21 > 0:50:23I wouldn't have to read between the lines.
0:50:23 > 0:50:25Cos that can be a nightmare.
0:50:25 > 0:50:27Reading between the lines is a nightmare? Well, listen.
0:50:27 > 0:50:28I'm feeling quite good.
0:50:28 > 0:50:31Who knows what's going to happen? I've done my best.
0:50:31 > 0:50:32- I appreciate it, nice one. - Why don't you go wait over there?
0:50:32 > 0:50:35- Cheers, Mikelar. - We'll see what we can do.
0:50:44 > 0:50:47- Hello.- Oh, for f...
0:50:57 > 0:50:59Ohhh!
0:51:05 > 0:51:06Go on, Smith!
0:51:12 > 0:51:14CHEERING AND WHOOPING
0:51:14 > 0:51:20# Now, I've had the time of my life
0:51:20 > 0:51:24# No, I've never felt like this before
0:51:24 > 0:51:28# Yes, I swear, it's the truth
0:51:28 > 0:51:31# And I owe it all to you
0:51:31 > 0:51:38# Cos I've had the time of my life
0:51:38 > 0:51:41# And I owe it all to you
0:51:48 > 0:51:51# I've been waiting for so long
0:51:51 > 0:51:53# Now I've finally found someone
0:51:53 > 0:51:55# To stand by me
0:51:57 > 0:52:00# We saw the writing on the wall
0:52:00 > 0:52:05# As we felt this magical fantasy
0:52:06 > 0:52:09# Now with passion in our eyes
0:52:09 > 0:52:13# There's no way we could disguise it secretly
0:52:15 > 0:52:17# So we take each other's hand
0:52:17 > 0:52:22# Cos we seem to understand the urgency
0:52:23 > 0:52:26# Just remember
0:52:26 > 0:52:27# You're the one... #
0:52:27 > 0:52:29THUD!
0:52:52 > 0:52:54You're mine now!
0:52:57 > 0:53:02Ladies and gentlemen, it's Miranda and Smithy!
0:53:04 > 0:53:09Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, for our finale,
0:53:09 > 0:53:14the wondrous, glorious, it's Kylie Minogue!
0:53:33 > 0:53:36# Oh, the weather outside is frightful
0:53:36 > 0:53:40# But the fire is so delightful
0:53:40 > 0:53:43# And since we've no place to go
0:53:43 > 0:53:47# Let it snow, let it snow Let it snow!
0:53:47 > 0:53:50# It doesn't show signs of stoppin'
0:53:50 > 0:53:54# And I've bought some corn for poppin'
0:53:54 > 0:53:57# The lights are turned way down low
0:53:57 > 0:54:01# Let it snow, let it snow Let it snow!
0:54:01 > 0:54:04# When we finally kiss goodnight
0:54:04 > 0:54:08# How I'll hate going out in the storm
0:54:08 > 0:54:11# But if you'll really hold me tight
0:54:11 > 0:54:15# All the way home I'll be warm
0:54:15 > 0:54:18# The fire is slowly dying
0:54:18 > 0:54:22# And, my dear, we're still good-bying
0:54:22 > 0:54:26# But as long as you love me so
0:54:26 > 0:54:29# Let it snow, let it snow! #
0:54:32 > 0:54:35Would you please welcome back your fabulous comedians?
0:54:35 > 0:54:36CHEERING
0:54:38 > 0:54:40And we sway.
0:54:43 > 0:54:46# When we finally kiss goodnight
0:54:46 > 0:54:49# How I'll hate going out in the storm
0:54:49 > 0:54:53# But if you'll really hold me tight
0:54:53 > 0:54:58# All the way home I'll be warm
0:54:58 > 0:55:01# The fire is slowly dying
0:55:01 > 0:55:04# And, my dear, we're still good-bying
0:55:04 > 0:55:06# But as long as you love me so... #
0:55:06 > 0:55:07Together!
0:55:07 > 0:55:10# Let it snow, let it snow
0:55:10 > 0:55:12# Let it snow
0:55:12 > 0:55:15# Let it snow! #
0:55:15 > 0:55:17The wonderful Kylie was here!
0:55:17 > 0:55:19Fantastic. Kylie Minogue!
0:55:19 > 0:55:21Merry Christmas!
0:55:25 > 0:55:27Ladies and gentlemen, merry Christmas!
0:55:27 > 0:55:30Good night and thank you!
0:55:31 > 0:55:34Thank you!
0:55:37 > 0:55:39Michael McIntyre!
0:55:39 > 0:55:41CHEERING
0:55:41 > 0:55:43Thank you for coming!
0:55:43 > 0:55:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd