0:00:19 > 0:00:23Ladies and gentlemen...
0:00:23 > 0:00:29Please give a big Manchester welcome to Michael McIntyre!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Thank you very much! Whoo-hoo!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40OK!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Good evening!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44All right?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Whoo-hoo-hoo!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Oh, good Lord.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Nice.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58Hello and welcome to my comedy roadshow!
0:01:00 > 0:01:08Tonight I will be introducing the finest stand-up comedians of all the world
0:01:08 > 0:01:15for your enjoyment right here in, undoubtedly, my favourite city of all -
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Manchester!
0:01:21 > 0:01:26I arrived earlier today. I drove past Hope Hospital.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31Is this really the best name for a hospital? Hope is the last resort.
0:01:31 > 0:01:38When there's nothing else, there's always hope and you name your hospitals this?!
0:01:38 > 0:01:44"Hiya. I'm here to see me dad." "You want the Fingers Crossed Unit. That's straight down there...
0:01:45 > 0:01:50"If you get to 50/50 Ward, you've gone too far. Come back."
0:01:52 > 0:01:58I'm staying in the Hilton Hotel, which is like... It goes up, then another building goes up.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02It's like Tetris. It's an odd building.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07And you know these security tags in shops when you steal and it goes off?
0:02:07 > 0:02:13They have that on the dressing gown in the hotel!
0:02:13 > 0:02:20It's weighing me down. I went to get my paper - beep-beep-beep! Bloody hell!
0:02:20 > 0:02:24But I understand there has been a spate of burglaries in the North.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29I'm thinking specifically of the Liverpool football team.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31BOOING
0:02:31 > 0:02:35I think it is really not exactly fighting the stereotype
0:02:35 > 0:02:40that people in Liverpool are stealing from the football team.
0:02:40 > 0:02:46They're supposed to be their heroes and they steal from them while they're playing!
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Because that way they know that they're not at home. Genius!
0:02:52 > 0:02:58They're sitting at home watching TV, going, "Go on, Stevie G, go on, pass to Alonso, he's free!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"Hang on a minute!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02"Is this live?
0:03:06 > 0:03:11"I'm gonna go round Stevie G's house. Call me if he's substituted! Awright?"
0:03:16 > 0:03:22I don't want to bring up football too much in Manchester. I know there's a bit of friction.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26I don't want to separate people into their teams. I know you're divided.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31I said to my wife that it's called Man City and Man United.
0:03:31 > 0:03:38And it was her, not me, who pointed out that they do sound like gay clubs. OK?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41You can't argue, really.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Don't shoot the messenger!
0:03:46 > 0:03:51- CAMP: - "Where you going Saturday?" "I'm going down Man City."
0:04:02 > 0:04:08"Go to any other clubs?" "Yeah, Man United. It's great.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12"Afterwards, a few of us are going down the MEN Arena. Wanna come?"
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I came up on t'train. Came up on t'train.
0:04:24 > 0:04:31I was facing backwards, which is never good. Can I cope with facing backwards when it goes whoo?
0:04:33 > 0:04:37You hold on to your ticket because it will be inspected.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42Even tonight you will hold on to your ticket, even though you're in.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46You look at it. "Do I need this? I'm going to hold on to it."
0:04:46 > 0:04:50You even do this on aeroplanes. There's no reason for this.
0:04:50 > 0:04:56Once you're on the aeroplane, "I'll put it in the pouch. You never know."
0:04:56 > 0:05:01It's very unlikely that halfway through the flight someone will go, "Tickets, please!"
0:05:01 > 0:05:05"I don't have it!" "Stop the plane!"
0:05:09 > 0:05:15We tend to keep ourselves amused on the train by trying to read stations you're not stopping at.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20The name's written on the platform, but you can never quite catch it.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Here comes another one! Oooh!
0:05:23 > 0:05:27"AB-something. Did you get it?" "I didn't."
0:05:29 > 0:05:33The best entertainment is other people's phone conversations.
0:05:33 > 0:05:39This bloke got on, an angry-looking businessman. His face was contorted into being constantly unpleasant.
0:05:39 > 0:05:46You know when people are so rude so many times, their face just becomes angry?
0:05:46 > 0:05:50And you look at them and say, "That is not a nice person.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54"There's no way anything good can come out of his face."
0:05:54 > 0:05:56You couldn't imagine, "I love you."
0:05:58 > 0:06:01"Can I help you with that bag?"
0:06:02 > 0:06:08So this guy sits down, he gets out his phone and he goes, "Ian!" The loudest I've heard anybody speak!
0:06:08 > 0:06:13He went, "Ian!" Everybody on the train went, "Who is this Ian?!"
0:06:13 > 0:06:20People in other carriages were going, "There was an announcement about Ian!"
0:06:20 > 0:06:26You know when a train comes in the opposite direction and everybody thinks they're going to die?
0:06:27 > 0:06:32"We're not dead. Are we dead?" Why don't they warn you?! "You're not going to die...now."
0:06:34 > 0:06:37So he goes, "Ian, it's Dad!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39"I'm on t'train!"
0:06:42 > 0:06:47In the North, you like to get to the heart of the sentence. "I'm on t'train!
0:06:47 > 0:06:51"Have you got homework? Geography? Right! Do it!
0:06:53 > 0:06:55"And make it neat!"
0:06:56 > 0:07:03And then he hung up the phone. There was a shared feeling on the train of panic for Ian's wellbeing.
0:07:04 > 0:07:11What should happen should he smudge into the margin whilst drawing his ox-bow lake? We didn't know!
0:07:12 > 0:07:18But then it settled down and we carried on. After about 10 minutes, he swore to himself.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22He wasn't even on the phone. He just went, "Shit!"
0:07:22 > 0:07:26"Is he on the phone?! He's mad! The man's insane!"
0:07:26 > 0:07:32He went on the phone. "Ian, it's Dad again. I've taken the wrong bloody train!"
0:07:32 > 0:07:35For one satisfying moment...
0:07:35 > 0:07:40"How you getting on with your geography? Finish it and I'll check it!"
0:07:40 > 0:07:46And this woman just said, "Excuse me, love. You're travelling in the wrong direction.
0:07:46 > 0:07:51"I think you need to concentrate on your own geography."
0:07:52 > 0:07:55A brilliant moment!
0:07:56 > 0:08:03So, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my first guest on the show?
0:08:03 > 0:08:09Without a doubt, this is one of the finest comedians working in the country today.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13It's a real treat to have him. Mr John Bishop!
0:08:22 > 0:08:27Hello! Good evening. How are you? SOME CHEERS
0:08:27 > 0:08:32Good, good. Don't worry. I'd never heard of me either.
0:08:32 > 0:08:39It's lovely to be here. For those that haven't yet worked it out, I'm from Liverpool.
0:08:39 > 0:08:46MIXED REACTION It just shows the BBC's commitment to ethnic diversity.
0:08:47 > 0:08:54They could have put me on anywhere, but they thought, "Let's throw him on in Manchester and see what happens."
0:09:00 > 0:09:07Thanks for that applause because we have this rivalry between us and it's unnecessary.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12Let's be honest, between Liverpool and Manchester, what is there?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Warrington. LOUD LAUGHTER
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Be honest, before the Swedes built a shop, we didn't know it was there.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31And when the Swedes built the shop, they realised the problems they had.
0:09:31 > 0:09:37They thought, "Build in Warrington. These people are half-breeds from Liverpool and Manchester.
0:09:37 > 0:09:44"Let's make it easy. Let's show them which way to walk around the shop."
0:09:44 > 0:09:51If you ever go to Ikea and try to walk against the arrows, people scream at you.
0:09:51 > 0:09:58You can't just go to the marketplace, you must go through soft furnishing, even if you don't want anything.
0:09:58 > 0:10:04That's why all over the country people are walking home with four-foot snakes they didn't want.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11You just buy stuff. We bought a new fridge.
0:10:11 > 0:10:17And we had a fridge. There was nothing wrong with it. It just wasn't massive.
0:10:20 > 0:10:26So my wife wanted a new fridge, a silver fridge that's the size of a bungalow.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31So she wanted a new fridge and cos I like sex, I said yeah.
0:10:38 > 0:10:44And we got this fridge and the best thing about this fridge, the big selling point,
0:10:44 > 0:10:49is you can get instant cold water direct from the fridge.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54I've got to be honest, that hasn't half changed our lives.
0:10:56 > 0:11:02What we've decided to do is put the fridge in the kitchen next to the sink.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08I'm probably saving myself a yard of walking every day.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14But what that meant was we had a spare fridge.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19There was a time when I was growing up when having a spare fridge... A MAN SHOUTS
0:11:19 > 0:11:23What was that? < Put it in the garden!
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Well, that was the joke...
0:11:28 > 0:11:32But obviously I didn't know I was in a double act.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42You know what you've just done now?
0:11:42 > 0:11:47When I walked out here, I had that same feeling General Custer had.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52I looked around the room and thought, "I'm from Liverpool. I'm outnumbered."
0:11:52 > 0:11:57But you've managed to put them all on my side. Thanks for that.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Because you're not wrong. The garden is the best place.
0:12:03 > 0:12:10When I was growing up, that's where we put it. If you had some spare white goods, they went in the garden.
0:12:10 > 0:12:16Just so you could show off to the neighbours. "I've got a fridge I don't even use.
0:12:16 > 0:12:21"And we're doing that well, we've left the plug on it."
0:12:22 > 0:12:28That's how you used to show off, but you can't do that now. It's not acceptable.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33Kids don't play with fridges in the same way we used to.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37My kids wouldn't know what to do with a fridge in the garden.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41They wouldn't see it like the adventure that I saw.
0:12:41 > 0:12:49My kids are posh kids. Posh, middle-class... My kids are the kids I used to throw stones at.
0:12:50 > 0:12:57Some mornings when they're going to the posh school with the posh satchels, I go, "Piss off!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59"Sorry, son.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04"You've dropped your lunch box. All your couscous has fell out."
0:13:10 > 0:13:14So there was no point in leaving it in the garden,
0:13:14 > 0:13:19so what we did... Has anyone tried to get rid of a fridge these days?
0:13:19 > 0:13:23It's a nightmare. I don't know if you're aware of this fact,
0:13:23 > 0:13:31but if you're from Liverpool, by law, someone in your family has to have a van.
0:13:34 > 0:13:40It's true. You ask any Scouser you know. They know someone with a van.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44And so my brother, our Eddie, he's got the family van.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48I phoned and said, "I need the van. I've got to get rid of a fridge."
0:13:48 > 0:13:50So I took the fridge to the dump.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55Going to the dump used to be great. You could get rid of stuff.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Now you've got to pass an exam.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02There's a fella there with a yellow vest and a clipboard
0:14:02 > 0:14:07who's done an NVQ in clipboard management.
0:14:10 > 0:14:16I turn up at the dump. He said, "What have you got?" I said, "Rubbish."
0:14:18 > 0:14:22He said, "What's in the back?" I said, "The fridge."
0:14:22 > 0:14:28He said, "Oof. You can't bring that here." "Why?" "We've got an environmental policy now.
0:14:28 > 0:14:35"You can't just bring a fridge here." I said, "Why not?" "You can't just dump a fridge any more."
0:14:35 > 0:14:39"What has to happen?" "You'll have to phone us up."
0:14:39 > 0:14:43"Then what?" "We come and get it."
0:14:49 > 0:14:52LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:14:53 > 0:14:59I said, "Who do I ring?" he gave me a number and I'm sat in the van with my phone out.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04I've pressed the number. The phone in his hut rang!
0:15:11 > 0:15:15He went to the hit and said, "Hello?" I said, "I've got a fridge."
0:15:15 > 0:15:19He said, "Where are you?" I said, "I'm outside, dickhead!"
0:15:22 > 0:15:29Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely. I've been John Bishop. Thank you. Good night, God bless.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Nailed it!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Well done. Brilliant.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39John Bishop, ladies and gentlemen! Come on! Fantastic!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Superb!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Brilliant. We love the Bish.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53I didn't understand a word that man said!
0:15:53 > 0:15:59You know Northerners move to London and they lose their accent really quickly. I hate that.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Where are you from? "Oh, Sheffield, yah.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07"I just love it. I'm a Northern girl, through and through. Yah?
0:16:07 > 0:16:11"I'm really into steel. Just left Sheffield."
0:16:11 > 0:16:17How long have you been in London? "Three weeks now. Three weeks. I'm really settled in."
0:16:17 > 0:16:23What about your accent? "I've still got my accent. When I've had a drink, it all comes back."
0:16:23 > 0:16:27At the end of work: want to go for a drink? "I'll have a dry white wine.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30"Did ah need that!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35"What a day!"
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Are you ready for my next guest?
0:16:40 > 0:16:46Ladies and gentlemen, she's absolutely fabulous. She's going to be massive.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49It's Miss Sarah Millican!
0:16:49 > 0:16:54# One way or another I'm gonna find you I'm gonna get you, get you
0:16:54 > 0:16:56# One way or another... #
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Hello! AUDIENCE: Hello!
0:17:01 > 0:17:05I'm going to tell you about me. I got married at 22
0:17:05 > 0:17:11and divorced at 29. Have we got any divorcees in? Give us a cheer. CHEER
0:17:11 > 0:17:17Some really happy people! Well done. Give us a cheer if you're married.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19CHEER
0:17:19 > 0:17:23You sound as happy as that fella up there. Your time will come.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28Give us a wave if you're married. How long have you been married?
0:17:28 > 0:17:33Three and a half years? Oh, you're nearly done.
0:17:37 > 0:17:43When I got divorced, I moved back in with me mam and dad. That's not good, is it?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47When we first split up, somebody said it was like a bereavement.
0:17:47 > 0:17:53A stock phrase that rolls out of people who never thought of peeing on their husband's toothbrush.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55And not telling them.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59"Time's a healer." "Plenty more fish in the sea."
0:17:59 > 0:18:03My own personal favourite: "I never liked him."
0:18:08 > 0:18:10That was me mam!
0:18:12 > 0:18:16I still get the how-are-you head tilt. "How are you?"
0:18:16 > 0:18:23It isn't like a bereavement at all. Cos if he had died, I'd have had my mortgage paid!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29And I'd have danced on his grave.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36I saw a counsellor. She said to read Paul McKenna's How To Mend A Broken Heart.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41I got to page 30 and I slept with a 23-year-old!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43It's not what it said.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49It's what it should have said cos it really bloody worked.
0:18:51 > 0:18:56I bought it off Amazon. "Customers who bought this also bought:
0:18:56 > 0:18:59"Suicide Isn't Always The Answer."
0:19:03 > 0:19:06But it sometimes is.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11When I became newly single, a friend bought me a teapot for one. Cow.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16She's not my friend any more.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18She's not even alive any more.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22She's alive - she's just heavily disfigured.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Some kind of teapot-related incident.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33I had a New Year's resolution. I decided to start watching my weight.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38Watching it doesn't imply it's going to get any less.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42It's just like I'm documenting how fat I'm going to get.
0:19:42 > 0:19:49My downfall is cakes and puddings. I don't drink a lot or do drugs, but I did have a space cake once.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I just heard the word "cake".
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I just found it really dry.
0:19:55 > 0:20:03I might not know drugs, but I do know cake. I just think a bit of butter cream wouldn't have gone astray.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09It's almost like they hadn't thought about the cake part at all.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17There are bits of me I really don't like. I really don't like my legs.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Recently I decided, "Sod it, nobody cares. Just wear a skirt."
0:20:21 > 0:20:25On the first day, I got whistled at by a builder. How good is that?
0:20:25 > 0:20:31It wasn't so much a wolf whistle as he went... DOG WHISTLE
0:20:33 > 0:20:38It's not the same thing at all, is it? Like he would a little dog.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43In a moment of stupidity recently, I did toy with getting thigh-high boots.
0:20:43 > 0:20:50Fishing for a compliment, I said to my sister, "Where would I get boots to fit my thighs?"
0:20:50 > 0:20:54And she said, "Well, trannies must get them from somewhere."
0:21:01 > 0:21:05I've been deciding what to keep and what to bin.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with my wedding dress.
0:21:09 > 0:21:15Let's get some suggestions from the audience. What about somebody from the top layer?
0:21:15 > 0:21:19- Burn it!- Oh, did you hear that? I'd barely even finished my sentence.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23"Burn it!" Are you all right?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Somebody give him a cuddle up there.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30"Burn it!" That's a bitter man.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34"Put the ex-husband in it and just burn it."
0:21:34 > 0:21:41I'm pretty sure that's murder. What about a suggestion from the lovely ladies in the front?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Well, you're conferring. That's good. Tell me.
0:21:44 > 0:21:49- Charity shop.- There's one not far from where Mum and Dad live.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54It's always full of pensioners. I love the idea of an old lady buying it for £4 and just twirling.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Lovely. Bless!
0:21:58 > 0:22:04Some people suggest that I sell it. Do you think there's much of a market for a second-hand wedding dress?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06SHOUTS OF "Yeah!"
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Did you hear the fellas? "Yes. Get a cheap one.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14"And if we can get the flowers from a graveyard..."
0:22:17 > 0:22:21You're a nice, normal audience. I sometimes get weird suggestions.
0:22:21 > 0:22:27This guy said to me, totally straight-faced, "I think you should wear it and follow him round in it."
0:22:27 > 0:22:29LAUGHTER
0:22:31 > 0:22:37I looked at his girlfriend who was sitting beside him as if she was gonna go, "What's he like?"
0:22:37 > 0:22:39And she just went...
0:22:41 > 0:22:47That's not my favourite. My favourite one I've ever had, somebody said I should wear it on first dates.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52"No, I'm not looking for anything serious."
0:22:54 > 0:22:56HUMS "Here Comes The Bride"
0:22:56 > 0:23:00You've been really nice, but I leave you with one thing.
0:23:00 > 0:23:06I've noticed how you can tell as a woman whether or not you're overweight, in the throes of passion,
0:23:06 > 0:23:11when your partner picks you up, whether or not he says, "One, two, three," first.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15You've been lovely. Thank you very much. Good night.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Sarah, that was brilliant. Well done. Fantastic.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27Sarah Millican, ladies and gentlemen. We're lovin' the Millican!
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Ladies and gentlemen, we're in Manchester.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38It's a thriving, major city of the world
0:23:38 > 0:23:43and we've invited some of Manchester's finest to join us here tonight.
0:23:43 > 0:23:48So how's about a wave from Coronation Street? Where are you?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51There they are, ladies and gentlemen.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53It's the nation's street!
0:23:53 > 0:23:57There she is, Sally Lindsay!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Hello!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Hello.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I'm from London. Never seen it.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09We also have... Waterloo Road has many of its cast here.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Hands in the air, come on, guys!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17There they are. Kids, kids...
0:24:17 > 0:24:22I can see one of you. Are you texting or something? You've got your phone.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Are you having a text?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27I don't understand mobile phones
0:24:27 > 0:24:31and those options when you leave a message at the end of the message.
0:24:31 > 0:24:36It goes, "To listen to your message, press 1. To re-record your message, press 2."
0:24:36 > 0:24:40I'm just leaving a message. I'm not cutting an album!
0:24:40 > 0:24:46Are people taking it so seriously? "I'll be 15 minutes late, darling. I'll pick up some milk.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48"OK, play that one back."
0:24:51 > 0:24:55All right, more bass on "milk". We're gonna go again. Hit 2!
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- Are you ready for my next guest? - ALL: Yeah!
0:25:00 > 0:25:06Please give all your love to the wonderful, all the way from Oldham, Mick Ferry!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08APPLAUSE
0:25:08 > 0:25:12MUSIC: "Cigarettes And Alcohol" - Oasis
0:25:21 > 0:25:26Well, I am from Oldham, like he said, just down the road there.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29If you're wondering where you can smell Cillit Bang from,
0:25:29 > 0:25:32that's coming from me.
0:25:32 > 0:25:38It's nice being here because if I was back home now, I'd be throwing stones at the moon.
0:25:38 > 0:25:44Don't know if anybody's done that. I'm probably the fattest comic that's gonna be on the bill tonight.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46So...any other sufferers?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Yeah, well done, mate. There you go. Yeah.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Yeah, yeah, you're overweight.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55LAUGHTER
0:25:55 > 0:26:01You're like me. You can't deny it, can you? There's no holding it in any more. You go, "Yeah, I'm fat."
0:26:01 > 0:26:05I put weight on about eight years ago and I was looking forward to it
0:26:05 > 0:26:08because I genuinely thought that if I became fat,
0:26:08 > 0:26:12I'd become bubbly and get a great personality.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16All I'd ever heard about fat people is how nice they were.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21And I'm not. I'm still miserable, that's the problem.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24I just eat chocolate at two in the morning and cry.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Has anybody ever used a cat to polish a telly?
0:26:32 > 0:26:37You know the cat's asleep in front of the TV, a bit of dust on your screen?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Pick your cat up and wipe your telly.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I'm not the only one who's done that.
0:26:42 > 0:26:47If you've got laminate flooring, you can put your foot on it and drag it like that.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50They love it. "Hey, I'm cleaning!"
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Just spray 'em up with polish before you do it.
0:26:54 > 0:26:59I can't do that now. I've got a dog, a Border collie. He's seven years old.
0:26:59 > 0:27:05One of the funniest things I've ever done with him, a couple of years ago... People will hate me for this.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07But I got him drunk, right?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I didn't mean to get the dog drunk.
0:27:10 > 0:27:16I took him out for a walk, he cut his paw, two stitches, course of antibiotics, 245 quid at the vet's.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Yeah. Amputation, 310.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I didn't, but you think, "He won't cut it again, will he?"
0:27:25 > 0:27:31So I thought I'd cheer him up. I put some brandy in his milk.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34It's wrong, but the funniest thing I've ever done.
0:27:34 > 0:27:39I was drinking myself. You can't get your dog drunk, you've got to drink with them.
0:27:39 > 0:27:45They just stare at you going, "Why am I drinking on me own? Gonna take pictures of me to put on Facebook?"
0:27:45 > 0:27:47"I'll have a drink with you then."
0:27:47 > 0:27:53I put a slug of brandy in. I thought it might make him sleep because he was in pain.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56He came in and half an hour later, it kicked in.
0:27:56 > 0:28:02He normally doesn't react to anything on TV, but he started trying to howl, but he couldn't.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05He was just lying there going, "Whoo-oo...
0:28:05 > 0:28:07"Whoo-whoo-whoo...
0:28:07 > 0:28:10"Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo."
0:28:10 > 0:28:14And I started laughing. I couldn't stop myself. I was laughing so much.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16He got angry and wanted to fight me.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20"Calm down. You've had a drink. What's wrong with you?"
0:28:20 > 0:28:24And then he spent half an hour just texting old girlfriends.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Bizarre.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32I've got kids as well and I imagine we've got quite a few parents in.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36I've got three children. It starts getting awkward. My eldest, she's 20.
0:28:36 > 0:28:42And we... This is hard for me to admit and a lot of men will know what I'm talking about.
0:28:42 > 0:28:47She's 20, I'm very proud of the way she's turned out. She's a lovely young woman.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51But I'm more interested in sleeping with her friends now, which...
0:28:53 > 0:28:59Yeah, it's a bit hard to admit. I shouldn't really be doing it on TV. I've just realised.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04But she brings them home some weekends. You try and be nice.
0:29:04 > 0:29:08"Are you all right, girls? Are you having a sleepover?"
0:29:08 > 0:29:10LAUGHTER
0:29:10 > 0:29:15"You what, Dad? We don't do that any more. We're all 20." "All right, just being friendly."
0:29:15 > 0:29:19"Stop staring at 'em. You make 'em uncomfortable...
0:29:21 > 0:29:23"Put your pants on."
0:29:23 > 0:29:26LAUGHTER
0:29:28 > 0:29:33The hardest thing with the kids at the minute is this boredom threshold.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37Have you noticed how bored... Dead easily, so bored.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39It winds me up more than anything.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42When I was a kid, seriously, a dead bumblebee, right?
0:29:42 > 0:29:45Two weeks that'd give me, fun, two weeks.
0:29:45 > 0:29:50I'd know where it was on the street. I'd even have a stick to poke it.
0:29:50 > 0:29:54"Dead bumblebee - you wanna have a look at that?
0:29:54 > 0:29:57"Touch it, I dare you. Go on, touch it."
0:29:57 > 0:30:00"No, my dad said they sting." "Your dad's a liar."
0:30:02 > 0:30:04"Your dad touches bin men." "What?"
0:30:04 > 0:30:07LAUGHTER
0:30:08 > 0:30:10It's a lack of imagination.
0:30:10 > 0:30:16My favourite game when I was a kid was to get an old leather football that had burst,
0:30:16 > 0:30:19take out the bladder and fill it with broken bricks.
0:30:19 > 0:30:25Then you put the football with the broken bricks on a road outside a pub.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27LAUGHTER
0:30:27 > 0:30:31Cos you knew when a man had beer in him and he saw the football...
0:30:31 > 0:30:35"Ohhh! I could have been a professional."
0:30:35 > 0:30:39You're at the other end of the street. "Kick the ball back, mister!"
0:30:39 > 0:30:44"Right, lads, on your head!" "Yeah, if you can lift it, you prick."
0:30:44 > 0:30:49Listen, folks, you've been lovely. I've been Mick Ferry. Good night, God bless, bye-bye!
0:30:49 > 0:30:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:54 > 0:30:56Brilliant. Well done.
0:30:56 > 0:31:00Mick Ferry, ladies and gentlemen. Come on!
0:31:00 > 0:31:02CHEERING
0:31:02 > 0:31:04That was brilliant.
0:31:04 > 0:31:09I'm going to chat to some more people cos I've heard that there are people here...
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Noddy Holder's there.
0:31:11 > 0:31:16- Noddy Holder! Go on, the Holder! - CHEERING
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Looking good.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21Looking good.
0:31:21 > 0:31:27It must be difficult being Noddy Holder because people hear in their heads the Christmas thing.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30LAUGHTER Very true.
0:31:30 > 0:31:36- I just look at you and I hear it. But you're not from here. You're not local.- I'm from the Midlands.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39The Midlands. OK, keep it vague. The Midlands!
0:31:39 > 0:31:42Your sat-nav must have a nightmare.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45"Where in the Midlands, Noddy?"
0:31:45 > 0:31:49"Anywhere in the Midlands. It's Christmas!"
0:31:49 > 0:31:51LAUGHTER
0:31:51 > 0:31:55I tried not to do it, I tried not to do it.
0:31:57 > 0:32:02I'm told that Darren Day is here, ladies and gentlemen. It's Darren Day!
0:32:02 > 0:32:04APPLAUSE
0:32:04 > 0:32:10Darren Day is one of the foremost financial thinkers in this entire country.
0:32:10 > 0:32:14He saw the credit crunch coming years ago, investing in gold,
0:32:14 > 0:32:17mainly engagement rings, but he is...
0:32:17 > 0:32:19LAUGHTER
0:32:23 > 0:32:28I remember when I proposed to my wife. I got her a beautiful diamond ring.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32Cos girls like rings. That's why we give you rings when we're proposing.
0:32:32 > 0:32:38We know that you get hypnotised by the diamond. It's like you turn into Gollum from The Lord Of The Rings.
0:32:40 > 0:32:44You see single girls outside jewellers just going, "Soon!"
0:32:46 > 0:32:49"Precious shall be mine!"
0:32:49 > 0:32:54I got my wife a beautiful diamond ring and I even had it engraved. Yeah.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58With the price. I thought that was something she needed to know.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02Ladies and gentlemen, it has come to that time
0:33:02 > 0:33:05when I welcome our headline act!
0:33:05 > 0:33:08CHEERING
0:33:08 > 0:33:14He's fantastic. You're going to absolutely love him. He's one of my favourites. I love this guy.
0:33:14 > 0:33:20He's hilarious. He's making a massive name for himself. He's Manchester's own Jason Manford!
0:33:20 > 0:33:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:22 > 0:33:25MUSIC: "Chelsea Dagger" - The Fratellis
0:33:26 > 0:33:28Hello. Hello.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34Hello. Thank you. Cheers. Thanks a lot.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36Good. Nice one.
0:33:36 > 0:33:41Thank you. How are you? Michael McIntyre, everyone, how good's he?
0:33:41 > 0:33:43APPLAUSE What a legend!
0:33:43 > 0:33:48The Apollo, look at this! Is anyone else thinking they've scrubbed it up quite nice?
0:33:48 > 0:33:53It looks nice now it's on the telly. When we're usually here, it's a right shithole!
0:33:55 > 0:34:01Good work, hard work. A lot of these cameras are not gonna make it back to London. You know that, don't you?
0:34:02 > 0:34:04So... Good.
0:34:04 > 0:34:09My wife's pregnant at the moment. We're expecting twins in the summer.
0:34:09 > 0:34:13And we're all very excited, yeah. She was getting very broody at work.
0:34:13 > 0:34:18Five women in a month got pregnant. She was like, "It must be something in the water."
0:34:18 > 0:34:22I'm like, "Unless it's sperm, it don't matter, does it?"
0:34:22 > 0:34:25There's no correlation there. It's just coincidence really.
0:34:25 > 0:34:29No, she's very broody all the time, my wife.
0:34:29 > 0:34:35We were trying for kids for ages and after a while, you do think maybe there's something wrong.
0:34:35 > 0:34:41We went to the doctor's and it's an embarrassing situation. It's awful, a little bit demeaning sometimes.
0:34:41 > 0:34:45Luckily, nothing was wrong, but we went in and met this doctor.
0:34:45 > 0:34:51Dr Barron. That's not who you want to meet! "Is there anyone else available? Dr Low Sperm Count?"
0:34:51 > 0:34:56She dealt with it fine. She asked my wife a load of questions, then she turned to me.
0:34:56 > 0:35:01She says to me, "Right, Mr Manford, how many times on average a week do you masturbate?"
0:35:03 > 0:35:05LAUGHTER
0:35:07 > 0:35:10HIGH VOICE: Em...
0:35:12 > 0:35:15Oh, God, a week, a week... Um...
0:35:16 > 0:35:19I've left my diary at home, like...
0:35:20 > 0:35:24Like you keep a tally of it, you know what I mean?
0:35:24 > 0:35:30She's like, "How many times?" My wife is proper laughing as well. The sweat is pouring down my back.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Em...
0:35:36 > 0:35:39I said, "I don't really. I'm too...
0:35:39 > 0:35:41"Busy. I'm too busy."
0:35:41 > 0:35:45She says, "Come on, we're all adults. How many times a week?"
0:35:45 > 0:35:50I said, "Just the average amount. Whatever the national average is, that's me.
0:35:50 > 0:35:56"Whatever the neighbours are doing, that's me. Keeping up with the Joneses, that's me."
0:35:56 > 0:36:00She said, "What's the average?" "I don't know, you're the expert."
0:36:00 > 0:36:05In the end, I just had to guess. I thought, "I'll just go for it." So I just went, "Five?"
0:36:07 > 0:36:11That's above the average, right? I don't know if...
0:36:11 > 0:36:16The average is 2.5. I don't know who's having half of one. Who's that bloke?
0:36:16 > 0:36:20On a Friday. "I think we'll leave it there, folks,
0:36:20 > 0:36:23"and pick that up first thing Monday morning."
0:36:25 > 0:36:29I'm looking forward to being a dad. I am looking forward to it.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33Dads are amazing. They can do stuff nobody's ever taught them,
0:36:33 > 0:36:36like changing a plug with a butter knife.
0:36:36 > 0:36:41That's in no DIY manual. "Give it here, I'll sort that out at the kitchen table.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44"There we are. Is that live...?
0:36:45 > 0:36:48"Check that. Is that live?"
0:36:48 > 0:36:52And parents are important. They teach you everything.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55Dads are less important, I think,
0:36:55 > 0:36:59in the sense that most of the stuff they do is just made up.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03They've made it up. They're liars, Dads are liars. Nothing serious.
0:37:03 > 0:37:07The classic in our house... You might have heard this before.
0:37:07 > 0:37:12When the ice cream van comes round, when he plays his music, that means he's got no ice creams left.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16And that in our house was a fact.
0:37:16 > 0:37:22To the point where you'd see a line of kids outside and you'd go, "Dad, look at them stupid kids out there!
0:37:22 > 0:37:26"Are they deaf or summat? Don't they know the truth like me and you?
0:37:26 > 0:37:28"Anyway, I'm off to college."
0:37:28 > 0:37:32LAUGHTER Right, you know, those lies...
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Those lies stayed with you for ever.
0:37:34 > 0:37:40My dad told us black puddings lived at the bottom of the garden, they were little animals.
0:37:40 > 0:37:46Every morning, he'd catch a few, take their legs off, put them in a pan and have them for breakfast.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50That's quite cute at home. Makes you sound a right knobhead at school!
0:37:50 > 0:37:57No wonder I got bullied. "What are you doing this weekend, Jase?" "Going black pudding hunting with my dad."
0:37:57 > 0:38:03But the worst one my dad did... My brother and I would always fight and my dad was working nights.
0:38:03 > 0:38:09One of the rules was you had to be quiet all the way through the day. He'd be fast asleep upstairs.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12Me and my brothers, even when we were proper fighting...
0:38:12 > 0:38:15It'd still be on mute. It was amazing.
0:38:15 > 0:38:21My brother would come running in from playing football and he'd go to the fridge and start drinking milk.
0:38:21 > 0:38:27I could see sweat going off his lip on to the milk. That's going on my Ready Brek, I don't need that!
0:38:27 > 0:38:33So, as an eight-year-old, I'd hide behind the fridge, jump out and squeeze it in his face dead hard.
0:38:34 > 0:38:38That's quite humorous now when we're adults, right?
0:38:38 > 0:38:41When you're eight, that is the funniest thing you'll ever see.
0:38:41 > 0:38:47Until it starts seeping out of his ears and his nose, then you've gone to a new level.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49And he'd be like, "Dad!"
0:38:49 > 0:38:54I'd be like, "Shut your mouth. If he wakes up, I will kill you."
0:38:55 > 0:38:58Which often made it worse, obviously, you know.
0:38:58 > 0:39:04And then that worst sound of my childhood - my dad's foot hitting the floor upstairs.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06MAKES THUMPING SOUND
0:39:06 > 0:39:08"Ohhhhh...
0:39:08 > 0:39:11"Shi-i-i-i-it!"
0:39:11 > 0:39:14Obviously, I didn't swear. I was only eight.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17"Oh, crikey!" Right, so...
0:39:17 > 0:39:20LAUGHTER I read all The Beano, you know.
0:39:20 > 0:39:25Then he'd start coming down the stairs like... MAKES THUMPING SOUNDS
0:39:26 > 0:39:31He'd make it into the kitchen and he'd go, "Right, what's going on here then?"
0:39:31 > 0:39:37Even though dads, they already know. My dad is like something out of CSI Manchester.
0:39:37 > 0:39:41"Milk coming out of his ears - all right, I've worked it out."
0:39:41 > 0:39:47Like Columbo, he's worked it out in the first five minutes. Like Columbo, he likes to drag it out over an hour.
0:39:47 > 0:39:53"What's going on? Huh?" And he'd throw this extra thing in. "Stick your tongues out." "What?"
0:39:53 > 0:39:57I don't know if anyone did... "Stick your tongues out." "Why?"
0:39:57 > 0:40:01"Cos a liar's tongue turns bright green straight after a lie."
0:40:01 > 0:40:03"Does it? I didn't know that."
0:40:03 > 0:40:07So my brother, not been lying, tongue straight out... Nice and pink.
0:40:07 > 0:40:12Me, who was lying, I'm not falling for this, I'll keep my green tongue in my mouth.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15LAUGHTER
0:40:15 > 0:40:17"I think I've won this one. Yeah."
0:40:17 > 0:40:22There's a couple of dads going, "I'm having that one when I go home." It works a treat.
0:40:22 > 0:40:28And we didn't have a phone at home, so he'd drag us up to the phone box to dial this number.
0:40:28 > 0:40:32"Hello? Is that Chief Inspector Williams, Greater Manchester Police?
0:40:32 > 0:40:34"You'll go to prison."
0:40:34 > 0:40:36LAUGHTER
0:40:40 > 0:40:42"Prison?
0:40:42 > 0:40:44"I'm only eight."
0:40:44 > 0:40:51"I don't care. If you're old enough to push milk in your brother's face, you're old enough to go to prison."
0:40:51 > 0:40:55It's not a phrase I've heard since, but he swore by it.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59"Yeah, he's been bad again." Then the phone would come to me. "Hello!"
0:41:01 > 0:41:03HE CRIES LOUDLY
0:41:07 > 0:41:09"I'm sorry!"
0:41:10 > 0:41:14"It's Chief Inspector Williams here, Greater Manchester Police.
0:41:14 > 0:41:18"If you're bad again, I will come round with the van and the dogs
0:41:18 > 0:41:22"and take you to Strangeways Prison for 15 years."
0:41:22 > 0:41:24"Don't do tha-a-a-at!
0:41:24 > 0:41:29"I'm only eight. I wouldn't last in prison."
0:41:29 > 0:41:35You wouldn't either, would you? "What are you in for, mate?" "Pushing milk in my brother's face."
0:41:35 > 0:41:40And that used to happen every week for about six years to me and both my brothers.
0:41:40 > 0:41:46I never realised, but we stopped ringing Chief Inspector Williams shortly after my grandad died.
0:41:46 > 0:41:50I just never put two and two together all those years.
0:41:50 > 0:41:55Thinking back, he didn't even change his voice. It was just him. He wasn't even acting.
0:41:55 > 0:41:57I just believed it so much.
0:41:57 > 0:42:03My nana had the exact same voice as the woman who owned the orphanage. I never got to the bottom of that.
0:42:03 > 0:42:09But the grandad one, I only worked it out. I've got another little brother now, eight years old, Niall.
0:42:09 > 0:42:11My dad rang me up out the blue.
0:42:11 > 0:42:17I went, "Hi." He went, "Hiya. Is that Chief Inspector Williams, Greater Manchester Police?"
0:42:18 > 0:42:20LAUGHTER
0:42:24 > 0:42:28"I will not be part of your lie, old man.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30"It ends right here."
0:42:30 > 0:42:34Thanks very much, Manchester Apollo. Good night, God bless, bye-bye!
0:42:34 > 0:42:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Cheers. Bye-bye!
0:42:37 > 0:42:41Well done. Beautiful. Well done. Brilliant.
0:42:41 > 0:42:44Jason Manford, come on!
0:42:44 > 0:42:47- CHEERING - We love the man!
0:42:47 > 0:42:53Go on, the Manford! Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.
0:42:53 > 0:42:57Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for all of my guests.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00We had Mr Mick Ferry!
0:43:00 > 0:43:02CHEERING
0:43:02 > 0:43:05The wonderful Sarah Millican!
0:43:05 > 0:43:08CHEERING
0:43:08 > 0:43:13From Liverpool, the star... John Bishop!
0:43:14 > 0:43:17CHEERING
0:43:17 > 0:43:22And the absolutely wonderful local boy done good, Jason Manford!
0:43:22 > 0:43:24CHEERING
0:43:24 > 0:43:29Join me next week on my Comedy Roadshow. Manchester, good night!
0:43:29 > 0:43:31Thank you.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34Thank you. Bravo!
0:43:37 > 0:43:40Thanks for coming. Woo-hoo!
0:43:43 > 0:43:47Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2009
0:43:47 > 0:43:50Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk