0:00:21 > 0:00:26Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big Birmingham welcome
0:00:26 > 0:00:29to Michael McIntyre!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Hiya! Oh, baby!
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Yes! Good evening!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Good evening, one and all!
0:00:42 > 0:00:46CHEERING
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Oh, the love!
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Right!
0:00:50 > 0:00:55Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my Comedy Roadshow!
0:00:55 > 0:00:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Tonight I will be welcoming
0:01:04 > 0:01:06the finest acts that the world has to offer,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09right here, in my favourite city of them all,
0:01:09 > 0:01:13it's Birmingham! Go on, Birmingham!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I've been here a couple of days.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21It's been nice. Hasn't it been lovely?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24People are talking how nice. It LOOKS very nice.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28But it feels very cold.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30People have been confused by this.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34People are starting to eat outside. It's too early to eat outside!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37"It's nice out here, isn't it?"
0:01:39 > 0:01:41"It's quite warm when you put your face in it!"
0:01:41 > 0:01:43LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Soon we'll have nice weather. Soon it'll happen.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51We'll have a few hot days in a row.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53We'll have a heatwave or a mini heatwave.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57A mini heatwave is one hot day. A heatwave is two hot days.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Then we get carried away. We start competing with other nations.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03We think we live in a global paradise.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05We forget everything that's gone before.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08It said in the paper last year, during a mini heatwave,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10it said, "Yesterday, in Hull,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13"temperatures reached 82 degrees!
0:02:13 > 0:02:16"Whereas in Jamaica, it was only 78!"
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Are they seriously implying that Jamaicans are waking up, going,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23"Oh, shit, I wish I was in Hull!"
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Then we are punished. Every time we have a few hot days,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37we're punished by big thunderstorms. Like God has realised his mistake.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40"Why did I give them nice weather? Punish them!"
0:02:40 > 0:02:44But we like that. We like thunder and lightning. It's exciting.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49We get lightning. Then we all start to count. "One, two, three,"
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- four... - MAKES RUMBLING SOUNDS
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Five! It's five miles!
0:02:54 > 0:02:58"The storm is five miles from here, this destination!"
0:02:58 > 0:03:03We feel like we're on a ship on the ocean. "Five miles!"
0:03:03 > 0:03:05More lightning! "One, two...
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"It's coming!"
0:03:08 > 0:03:12You actually want it to come towards you!
0:03:12 > 0:03:13You want to be struck by lightning!
0:03:13 > 0:03:17How boring is our lives that we get depressed when it moves away?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"It's over. We won't be struck by lightning."
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Discussing weather in Birmingham is dangerous,
0:03:24 > 0:03:28cos I know you all live in fear of tornado. I know.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32I know that tornado could strike at any time in Birmingham.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35You have had the occasional tornado
0:03:35 > 0:03:39that happens to strike maybe one or two houses at a time.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I remember the tornado. It hit one house, OK?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45You had a tornado. It hit just one guy.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48It was the end bit on the news. The fun bit. The "news nugget".
0:03:48 > 0:03:52"Here's a funny story! A tornado hits one house in Birmingham."
0:03:52 > 0:03:54A bloke was standing outside it.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56It was the same time as Hurricane Katrina,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59a proper wind-based disaster!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02He's standing outside. "What about me, eh? What about me?
0:04:02 > 0:04:06"The whole world is focusing on America. What about me?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09"What about Tornado Terry?" He'd named it himself.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I heard that he was trying out a new hairdryer
0:04:15 > 0:04:18at the exact moment that the tornado struck.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Can you imagine what that would do to your mind?
0:04:21 > 0:04:26"Look, darling, I've just purchased a new Babyliss 500 from Argos.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29"They told me it was the most powerful hairdryer
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"in the entire world."
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"Going to try it out, love?" "I'll try it right now."
0:04:34 > 0:04:36"Bloody hell! The roof's gone!
0:04:38 > 0:04:43"I'm taking it back! Collection Point B. Get the receipt!"
0:04:46 > 0:04:50I'm going to move over here because I do understand
0:04:50 > 0:04:52that we have some Birmingham City footballers
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- in this vicinity. - CHEERING
0:04:54 > 0:04:56BOOING
0:04:58 > 0:05:02It took a moment for people who support other clubs to register.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05"Are they really here?" "They are." "Boo!"
0:05:05 > 0:05:10Football really brings the best out in people, doesn't it?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13You, sir, I believe you play for Birmingham City.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Are you a name that's hard to pronounce?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- It depends. - Ah. Are you Franck Queudrue?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Yes.- Franck Queudrue, ladies and gentlemen.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:27 > 0:05:31I've read your biog, Franck. You are a dead ball specialist.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33When the ball is alive, you're useless.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35But once the ball is dead...
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- GERMAN ACCENT:- "I have to play! Kill ze ball. I'm wonderful!
0:05:40 > 0:05:44"Ze ball is moving! I am not functioning! I cannot do it!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46"Stop it! I am wonderful again!
0:05:51 > 0:05:55"I stipulated in my contract, if ze ball is moving I will not play."
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Why am I German?
0:05:56 > 0:06:01Why am I German? Are you German? You're French. Ah, bonjour!
0:06:01 > 0:06:05When English people don't speak French, you go, "Do you speak French?"
0:06:05 > 0:06:06They go, "Un peu."
0:06:06 > 0:06:10We've only learnt "un peu". And we know "Ou est la gare?"
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Have you hidden the stations from us?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18When French people are trying to think of the next word,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20they make a noise continuously.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23"Je voudrais, uhhhhhhh, poisson.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26"Uhhhhh, ou est la gare?
0:06:26 > 0:06:27"Uhhhhh."
0:06:29 > 0:06:31They're worried they'll be interrupted.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33In England we don't do this, we don't go,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36"I would like, ahhh! Some toast, ahhhh! And some fish."
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Strange breakfast!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43That's how you know French people are awake.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46The just wake up. "Uhhhhhh".
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Sometimes they're hoovering and the hoover isn't plugged in.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53They don't know for hours.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56"Uhhhhhh."
0:07:00 > 0:07:04"Come on! Zis is not picking anything up off the floor!"
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Or blow-drying their hair and the fuse is gone. "Uhhhhh.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12"Uhhhhh.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14"My hair is not getting dry.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17"But when I bought this on eBay from the man in Birmingham,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20"he said this was the world's most powerful hairdryer!"
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Thank you for coming.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I like it when substitutes in football want to get on.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31They try to get the manager's attention.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37"Pick me!"
0:07:39 > 0:07:43"I can play, I can sing, I can dance! Come on!"
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Ladies and gentlemen,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53are you ready for my first guest of the evening? Yes!
0:07:53 > 0:07:58Please welcome one of the finest comedians working in this country.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01You'll love him. It's my pleasure to introduce him.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Mr Tom Stade, ladies and gentlemen!
0:08:04 > 0:08:08MUSIC: "Back in Black" by AC/DC
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Thank you!
0:08:14 > 0:08:17AMERICAN ACCENT: Right. Well, good evening.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Woo!
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Good to be here. I'd like to start off by saying
0:08:23 > 0:08:27that I have been living here in the UK for a little while.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31In a little town called Wolverhampton.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33SCATTERED CHEERS, CLAPS
0:08:33 > 0:08:38Living there has taught me a lot about you English people.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41You guys won't pay £10 for NOTHING.
0:08:42 > 0:08:48OK? I was in this little place called Bilston, OK?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53There was this guy selling meat...
0:08:55 > 0:08:57..out of a freakin' van!
0:09:00 > 0:09:04And he had a crowd probably just a little bit bigger than this.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11He starts freaking everybody out. He's sitting there going,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14"What I got here!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17"Is that, I got a rump roast!"
0:09:17 > 0:09:23"Normally 12.95
0:09:23 > 0:09:26"at Tesco's."
0:09:26 > 0:09:29And everybody's losing it.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Everybody's just looking at each other, going...
0:09:34 > 0:09:38"Shit, he's right. It is 12.95.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39HE MOUTHS
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Then he goes, "Do you want to know...
0:09:46 > 0:09:49"..what I'm gonna do with this rump roast?"
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Now I'm losing my mind!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I'm like, "We got a mystery to solve here, Scoob."
0:09:58 > 0:10:01"What's he going to do with the rump roast?"
0:10:04 > 0:10:08He goes, "I'm gonna put this rump roast...
0:10:09 > 0:10:11"..on the scales."
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I'm like, "Damn, I never saw that coming, man!"
0:10:20 > 0:10:22And then he said this.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27And I will never forget this as long as I live.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33As long as there's breath in this body, I will never forget this.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Then he goes, "I've got a bag full of faggots!"
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Ladies and gentlemen, when he said,
0:10:53 > 0:10:58"I've got a bag full of faggots"...
0:10:59 > 0:11:01..well, didn't I just die!
0:11:03 > 0:11:07I'll guarantee right now I was the only one laughing.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14Cos you can't say that where I'm from.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17And you especially can't have a bag full!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23If somebody came up to me where I'm from
0:11:23 > 0:11:27and said, "Tom, I got a bag full of faggots",
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I'd go, "You've changed, Gary."
0:11:33 > 0:11:36APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Yeah.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43And then he held the scale up, like it was the Holy Grail.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47And when we were looking at that mountain of meat,
0:11:47 > 0:11:52we were all thinking the same thing. I was watching everybody's faces.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54We were all just looking at each other, going,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56"Just say it's a fiver!"
0:12:05 > 0:12:07When he said £10...
0:12:09 > 0:12:11..there was anger.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Mixed in with a lot of disappointment.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20And that's when I realised
0:12:20 > 0:12:22you like your cheap shit here.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an absolute pleasure.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Thank you for having me.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33WHISTLING AND CHEERING
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Tom Stade, ladies and gentlemen!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45We love Tom Stade!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Come on, man!
0:12:49 > 0:12:52That guy was awesome!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58That man told it like it is, man!
0:12:58 > 0:12:59He knows you people!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Went to the Bullring. Bullring!
0:13:04 > 0:13:08The Bullring is amazing! You must be proud of the Bullring.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10It has all these beautiful shops, big brand names.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12An amazing shopping experience.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Then you have a bridge
0:13:14 > 0:13:16with TK Maxx on it.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:20It's almost like these clothes are in holding
0:13:20 > 0:13:24before they reach The Palisades.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Have you been in The Palisades?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37One of the scariest experiences of my life!
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I got stopped by a policeman who told me to put a hood on!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43That's not right!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my next guest?
0:13:51 > 0:13:52CHEERING
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Please give all your love for the wonderful talents
0:13:56 > 0:13:57of Mr Steve Hughes!
0:14:10 > 0:14:11All right?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Thank you!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18The rest of you, relax.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I'm thinking the same thing looking at you people!
0:14:26 > 0:14:27You freaks!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Being in England for many years now,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33I understand all of you, myself included,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36we all have to live under the weird and oppressive regime
0:14:36 > 0:14:38of Health and Safety regulations.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41It's very strange, isn't it?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Remember in the old days, before Health and Safety?
0:14:44 > 0:14:45It was called common sense. Remember?
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Many years ago, you'd go, "There's a big deep hole. Will I step in it?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54"No. I'll just walk around it like that."
0:14:57 > 0:15:00"How did you learn to do that?"
0:15:00 > 0:15:01"Well,
0:15:01 > 0:15:05"my parents taught me not to be a moron!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08"I just carried it on from there."
0:15:09 > 0:15:11The Dutch treat you like an adult.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13In Amsterdam, they sell pot,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16they sell mushrooms, there's trams, buses and cabs.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18There's bikes with women with kids strapped to the front.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22There's a road next to a canal. Is there a fence?
0:15:22 > 0:15:23No!
0:15:23 > 0:15:25No fence.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28England, there's a big sign, a big fence. "Don't go in the water.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32"Don't fall in the water and drown."
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Amsterdam. "Is your bike wet?" "Yeah." "You're on the wrong bit."
0:15:36 > 0:15:39LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Then we have political correctness, the other side of Health and Safety.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Health and Safety is a small oppression of our physical movements.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54We can't do anything without permission from the state.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Political correctness is the oppression of our intellectual movements.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02No-one says anything any more in case somebody else gets offended.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05"What happens if you say that and someone gets offended?"
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Well, they can be offended, can't they?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11What's wrong with being offended?
0:16:11 > 0:16:15When did "sticks and stones may break my bones" stop being relevant?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Isn't that what you teach children, for God's sake?
0:16:19 > 0:16:23"He called me an idiot!" "Don't worry, he's a dick!"
0:16:25 > 0:16:32Now you have adults going, "I was offended and I have rights."
0:16:32 > 0:16:34So what? Be offended. Nothing happens.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42"I want to live in a democracy but I never want to be offended again!"
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Well, you're an idiot!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48How do you make a law about offending people?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50How do you make it an offence to offend people?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Being offended is subjective. It's to do with you as an individual
0:16:53 > 0:16:56or collective or society or community,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59your moral conditioning, your religious beliefs.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02What offends me may not offend you. You want to make laws about it?
0:17:02 > 0:17:07I'm offended when I see boy bands, for God's sake!
0:17:07 > 0:17:10It's a valid offence. I'm offended.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13They're corporate shills posing as musicians
0:17:13 > 0:17:16to further a modelling career and I'm disgusted!
0:17:16 > 0:17:20But what am I going to do? Call the cops? "Hello. It's me again.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25"They're on the telly, this time.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30"Five of them. That's it.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35"Yeah, white suits, dancing like girls. That's them.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39"Five minutes? I'll be out the front, traumatised. Bye."
0:17:39 > 0:17:42APPLAUSE
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Thank you very much. Have a good night. Enjoy yourselves.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Steve Hughes, ladies and gentlemen! We love the Hughes.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Glorious!
0:18:01 > 0:18:05So we have some more excitement here.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07They tell you people who are in the audience.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I'm not sure these people are who they say they are.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13But I'm told that members of the cast of The Archers
0:18:13 > 0:18:15on Radio 4 are here! Is this true?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18These are the people who claim to be them!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20LAUGHTER
0:18:20 > 0:18:25Put your hand up if you're in The Archers. OK.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- You, sir. What's your name? - Tom.- Hello, Tom.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32We don't believe you yet.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Who do you play in The Archers? - Tom Archer.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Tom Archer?! That's good. That's good.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43Cos I've got to be honest with you, I don't know much about The Archers.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Every time I flick past, it's ending. It's ending all the time.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49It's not on for long. It's normally the bit going,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51"Oi, pass me that wheelbarrow!"
0:18:51 > 0:18:54# Di-di-di-di-di-di-di Di-di-di-di-di-di
0:18:54 > 0:18:56# Di-di-di-di-di-di-di Di-di-diddly-dee. #
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- Do you still have an agricultural consultant?- Yes.- Who is he?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Do you call him up and go, "Remind me. Soil, what is that again?"
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- He's written a book about grass. - He's written a book about grass?!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- (SLURS)- That's a...pretty good read!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30A good book is called a page-turner.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32This is how people describe good books.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35On the back of the book it says, "A real page-turner."
0:19:35 > 0:19:38This is the minimum I expect from a book.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43"Is that a good book?" "No. Pages don't turn."
0:19:45 > 0:19:49"This is more of a block than a book. I wouldn't recommend it."
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my next guest?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Yes!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Please give all your love as we welcome
0:20:00 > 0:20:02a man I've admired for many years.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05An absolutely wonderful comedian, you'll love him too.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Mr Paul Tonkinson!
0:20:08 > 0:20:12MUSIC: That's Not My Name by the Ting Tings
0:20:21 > 0:20:26Thank you. Thank you. Hello. Are we well, Birmingham? Are we good?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Yes!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31BIRMINGHAM ACCENT: All right, Birmingham? You all right?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34What can I tell them? I'm married, with kids.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38I've got three kids, ten, eight and five. Weird names!
0:20:38 > 0:20:42We do OK, me and wifey. The rows! But the rows change.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Rows change. When you move in,
0:20:44 > 0:20:48you realise the surrender necessary to be in a relationship.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51You're around the house. You're making a sandwich.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54You've made sandwiches before that have passed without incident.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58You're enjoying yourself. Life's good. She comes up, "What you doing?"
0:20:58 > 0:21:02"I'm making a sandwich." She has a look. "You're making a mess."
0:21:04 > 0:21:08"It's just a sandwich." "Who's going to tidy that up?"
0:21:09 > 0:21:13"I'm going to eat the sandwich, so that won't be there!"
0:21:13 > 0:21:17"I'll do it later." She goes, "No, no, no.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19"You won't do it later. That's not how I live.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24"I've got standards. You won't do it later. You'll do it now.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"You'll tidy up as you go along."
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Who came up with this Nazi philosophy?
0:21:30 > 0:21:34Where did it come from? "Ve vill tidy up as we go along!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36"Any signs of life will be eradicated at source!
0:21:36 > 0:21:39"We must tidy up the life signs!"
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Even then, that should be the end of the row.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45There's another phase to the row.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47You've made your sandwich and tidied.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51You pass her on the way to the front room and she's stood there. "What?"
0:21:53 > 0:21:56"What, you're not making me one?"
0:21:59 > 0:22:02"You've just seen me make one. You obviously don't want one."
0:22:02 > 0:22:04"But no-one's asked me."
0:22:05 > 0:22:08"I'm obviously invisible cos you haven't asked me.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10"If that's how you want to live,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13"next time I do Sunday roast, I'll assume you don't want any chicken.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17"I can live like that. Is that how you want to live?"
0:22:17 > 0:22:21"All right. Do you want me to make you a sandwich?"
0:22:21 > 0:22:22"No...
0:22:27 > 0:22:30"But it's nice to be asked."
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Even then, it's up. You've made a sandwich,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36you've tidied up, she doesn't want one.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38You're there, in the front room,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42about to bite into your sandwich that you've lovingly prepared.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44You're about to bite into that sandwich.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46She goes, "Can I have a bite?"
0:22:49 > 0:22:52"You've just said you don't want a sandwich! You said!
0:22:52 > 0:22:56"We've been through this." "No, I don't want a sandwich.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59"I just want some of YOUR sandwich!
0:22:59 > 0:23:01"I just want some of you every day."
0:23:06 > 0:23:09You see him five years later in a documentary. Some bloke saying,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12"I bludgeoned her to death!
0:23:13 > 0:23:16"She wanted a bit of my sandwich. I just cracked.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18"The hammer was at hand.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22"And then I chopped her up and tidied up as I went along."
0:23:24 > 0:23:26You've been a fantastic audience.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Good night. God bless. Take care, Birmingham!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Paul Tonkinson, ladies and gentlemen!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Nice. I never really thought about the boxes.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46How come you got in the boxes?
0:23:46 > 0:23:51All I know is that they said the Deputy Lord Mayor was here.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I'm assuming it's you.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58I've narrowed it down to one bald man.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Please tell me I'm not wrong.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- Deputy Lord Mayor?- Yes, my man.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- How are you? - I'm very well, thank you.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12A round of applause for your Deputy Lord Mayor.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19A lovely round of applause, tinged with disappointment
0:24:19 > 0:24:21that the actual mayor couldn't make it!
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for our final headlining act?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29CHEERING
0:24:29 > 0:24:31You are going to absolutely love her.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34She's making a name for herself. Here's why.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Please welcome Miss Shappi Khorsandi!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39MUSIC: "Womaniser" by Britney Spears
0:24:39 > 0:24:43APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Hello!- Hello!
0:24:50 > 0:24:56I'm Shappi and I'm a female Iranian stand-up comedian.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59The other comics backstage call me "the box-ticker".
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Tell you what, if you ever want a real laugh, travel to America
0:25:06 > 0:25:08with an Iranian passport.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12If you haven't got one, I'll give you one of mine. I've got loads!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I was checking in at Los Angeles Airport
0:25:14 > 0:25:16and at first they were lovely.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19They were like, "Oh, my God, I love her accent!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21"Oh, my gosh! She's from I-ran.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24"Search the bitch!"
0:25:24 > 0:25:27I said, "Jeez, you guys are so harsh here at I-mmigration!"
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I went to this quite twee primary school
0:25:32 > 0:25:35but I went to a big London comprehensive school
0:25:35 > 0:25:38for my teenage high school years.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39It was the sort of school
0:25:39 > 0:25:43where I couldn't get eye contact with the popular girls, the in-crowd,
0:25:43 > 0:25:46because they'd be like, "What? What you looking at? What?"
0:25:46 > 0:25:51I'm not being racist, but they were always the white girls.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55They said they weren't my friends. They thought I was "a posh snob".
0:25:55 > 0:25:56"You're a snob."
0:25:56 > 0:26:01I'd say to them, "Look, I'm not a posh snob. I'm no different to you.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05"I'm an outsider as well. My parents are first-generation immigrants.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09"They can't read or write English. Just like yours!"
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Someone asked me the other day if I speak Arabic.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Iranians aren't Arab, and a lot of people think we are.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Arabic sounds like this... SPEAKS ARABIC
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Farsi, Persian, sounds like this... SPEAKS FARSI
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Completely different (!)
0:26:28 > 0:26:31They're both very passionate languages.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33That sometimes comes across as aggression.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37I've has to tell my friends when they hear me talking to my family...
0:26:37 > 0:26:39SPEAKS FARSI ANIMATEDLY
0:26:39 > 0:26:43..what I'm actually saying is, "Oh, my God! You look fabulous!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45"Loving the necklace!"
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I never wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to be a doctor.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53My parents pushed me into this.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59They were like, "Only Western whores become doctors!"
0:26:59 > 0:27:02When I was a really little kid, I wanted to be a horse.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Cos if you're a real horse, you can do a big poo in the street
0:27:06 > 0:27:10and everyone just gathers around you going, "Isn't she magnificent!"
0:27:16 > 0:27:20This is very show-biz. My mum is very proud of what I do.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22I took her to a show-biz party.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I was so excited. I introduced her to Lenny Henry.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28I pretended I knew him. I introduced her to Lenny Henry.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30She was so excited, my mum.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33She was chatting to him, and he was going, "Ah-ah-ah!"
0:27:33 > 0:27:37They were getting on really well until my mum called him Ainsley.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41That's just an example of accidental racism
0:27:41 > 0:27:43that can happen to any of us.
0:27:43 > 0:27:48Racism's like chlamydia. We've all had a dose, but don't admit to it!
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I try to be so politically correct.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I was talking to a Chinese man recently.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54I nearly said Chinaman.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57You can't say Chinaman. It sounds too colonial.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00"I met a Chinaman. Jolly good fellow! Shot him in the eye!"
0:28:02 > 0:28:05And I said, "So, what's your name?"
0:28:05 > 0:28:07And he said, "Comitaw".
0:28:07 > 0:28:10I did that very PC thing of repeating his name
0:28:10 > 0:28:12and adding a Chinese accent to it
0:28:12 > 0:28:16to show that I cared very much about the correct pronunciation.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I said, "I see. Comi-TAW".
0:28:19 > 0:28:21And he went, "No, no. Call me Tom."
0:28:26 > 0:28:30I've been Shappi Khorsandi. You've been wonderful. Thank you!
0:28:30 > 0:28:32CHEERING
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Wondrous!
0:28:34 > 0:28:38Well done. Shappi Khorsandi, ladies and gentlemen. Fantastic.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Feel the love in the room
0:28:40 > 0:28:43for Shappi Khorsandi!
0:28:43 > 0:28:47Ladies and gentlemen, please thank all my guests.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50We had the wonderful Tom Stade!
0:28:50 > 0:28:54Steve Hughes. Wasn't he marvellous?
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Paul Tonkinson was here!
0:28:57 > 0:29:02And the wonderful, fantastic Shappi Khorsandi!
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Join me next week on my Comedy Roadshow!
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Thank you very much! Goodnight! Bravo!
0:29:24 > 0:29:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd