0:00:20 > 0:00:21Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:21 > 0:00:28please give a big Belfast welcome to Michael McIntyre!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Good evening!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Hello! Woah!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Thank you!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Thank you all!
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Good evening and welcome...
0:00:47 > 0:00:52to my comedy roadshow!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:56 > 0:00:57I will be welcoming
0:00:57 > 0:01:02some of the finest stand-up comedians known to man,
0:01:02 > 0:01:07right here in my favourite city of them all. It's Belfast!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I'm beginning to get au fait with the accent.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15My first experience of this was getting off the plane,
0:01:15 > 0:01:17there was a bloke in front of me
0:01:17 > 0:01:20and he said "Where are our bags?"
0:01:20 > 0:01:22In your mother tongue.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- IRISH ACCENT: - "Where are our bags?"
0:01:24 > 0:01:28LAUGHTER
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- IRISH ACCENT: - "Where are our bags?"
0:01:30 > 0:01:32I have to say, it depends how you say it.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35There's something about the accent
0:01:35 > 0:01:37that it does tend to sound a little bit down-beat.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41I mean, when I think of an Irish accent, it sounds very jovial.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- SOUTHERN IRISH ACCENT: - "Everything's fabulous!"
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Even if it isn't fabulous, it sounds fabulous.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48"Oh, the house burned down, everything's gone!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51"I've lost everything! I've got no insurance, I'm suicidal!"
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Just moments over the border...
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- MONOTONE: - "I'm absolutely ecstatic."
0:02:02 > 0:02:06"I've never been happier in my entire life.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09"I'm on cloud nine."
0:02:14 > 0:02:19It's been a pretty good year. We've got Barack Obama in the White House.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21CROWD CHEERS
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Hasn't he done well? I mean, hasn't he done well?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Not just overcoming the colour of his skin
0:02:25 > 0:02:27to become the leader of the free world,
0:02:27 > 0:02:28but also, his name.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31You couldn't ask for a worse name to try to become
0:02:31 > 0:02:34the President of the United States of America.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36His name is Barack Hussein Obama.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39"Barack" sounds like "Iraq", "Hussein",
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Saddam Hussein, "Obama", Osama.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44You couldn't create a worse name!
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Do you think there are young British black people saying,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51"Maybe I could be Prime Minister of this country. Look at Barack.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52"Do you think I can do it?"
0:02:52 > 0:02:55"I'm not so sure, Adolph Mugabe Fritzl."
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I've been told that there's a footballing legend in our ranks.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Gerry Armstrong!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08There he is!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Footballing legend.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Feel the love in the room for Gerry Armstrong!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- How are you, Gerry?- Good. - I like football.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I know I don't look
0:03:18 > 0:03:20or sound like the kind of person who goes to the football.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- IN CLASSICAL SINGING VOICE: - # You're not singing any more! #
0:03:25 > 0:03:28I went to the football, I supported my team.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32I don't want to bring up my team because it makes people not like me.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34But they separate the fans.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39So I was with my fans, and there was a bloke from the other team
0:03:39 > 0:03:41and he was sitting with us.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43And he stood up and he just went,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46"COME ON THEN! WHO WANTS SOME?"
0:03:49 > 0:03:53He had no teeth. And a face covered in tattoos, all right?
0:03:53 > 0:03:58Which confirmed his allegiance was not with our team.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02And he just went, "Come on! One of you must want some!"
0:04:02 > 0:04:07And I think, in unison, about 39,000 people, just went,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10"I don't want some. Do you want some? I'm not sure.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12"Does anybody on the row, do you want some?"
0:04:12 > 0:04:17"No, I don't want some at all! Have you seen this man? I don't want any!"
0:04:17 > 0:04:18People started complaining.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21"There's a man over there with tattoos and no teeth.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23"He wants some. Will you tell him to go?"
0:04:23 > 0:04:26"What am I going to do? Throw my bib on his head? He's scaring me!"
0:04:26 > 0:04:31And he kept saying, "One of you must want it!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33"Who wants some?"
0:04:33 > 0:04:35It was absolutely terrifying.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38And after about ten minutes, this bloke just stood up and went,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40"I'll have some!"
0:04:41 > 0:04:43And we were all relieved.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46There was a moment, "Oh, thank God. A hero in our ranks."
0:04:46 > 0:04:49And people were standing up for him, "Good luck, good luck."
0:04:49 > 0:04:52And he's walking along thinking, "I'll soon give him some.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53"I'll take him down."
0:04:53 > 0:04:55"Good luck, good luck." "All right."
0:04:55 > 0:04:58"I'll soon have him! I'll soon have him!"
0:04:58 > 0:05:01"Excuse me, mate." "YES?"
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"DO YOU WANT SOME?"
0:05:04 > 0:05:05"I'll have some!"
0:05:05 > 0:05:07They still didn't know for sure
0:05:07 > 0:05:12they were fighting. I didn't know if he was just offering him biscuits.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15"Do you want some?" "I'll have one! I'm on a diet."
0:05:19 > 0:05:23And then the bloke with the tattoos and no teeth, he went, "Me!
0:05:23 > 0:05:24"And you!
0:05:27 > 0:05:28"Outside!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30"ME!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32"And YOU!"
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I think you could see
0:05:34 > 0:05:38a flicker in his eyes that said, "I've made a mistake."
0:05:38 > 0:05:40But he carried on, he went,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43"Yeah! Cos I'll soon have you!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46"Me and you!"
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I was itching to go over and go,
0:05:48 > 0:05:53"Sorry to interrupt, but you're sort of pointing at the wrong person.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55"And it's 'You and I'. As you were."
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for
0:06:03 > 0:06:05my first guest of my comedy roadshow?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Please give your love to a very talented man.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I've been a fan of his for years, you're going to love him!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Mr Jeff Green, ladies and gentlemen!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27That's very nice, thanks. I'll just move Posh Spice out the way,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29then we'll crack on with the show.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Put it over there and no singing!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36It's nice to be here, back in Belfast.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Actually, for the first time as a married man.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41I'm married, ladies. Yes, apologies.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Well, I was a bit anxious, because in Britain,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46two out of three marriages end in divorce.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50The other one ends in murder, apparently. Which is a bit scary.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53But it's very nice to be married.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I had a nice proposal. I went down on one knee.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Not for any romantic reasons. My wife's only 3 foot 6.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01You can't tell
0:07:01 > 0:07:05how tall they are when you buy them off the internet, can you, really?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08"I thought you'd be taller than this, to be honest, love.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11"I didn't realise your photo was actual size."
0:07:12 > 0:07:14It was a lovely wedding.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17"Do you take this Oompa Loompa...?" "Yes, yes I do."
0:07:17 > 0:07:21It doesn't matter how attractive or beautiful your partner is,
0:07:21 > 0:07:23it's whether they make you laugh.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27My wife fell off the bus the other day, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely hilarious.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32She said, "Why didn't you catch me?"
0:07:32 > 0:07:34"It's difficult to catch you and piss myself laughing
0:07:34 > 0:07:37"at the same time.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39"But I feel your act of public humiliation
0:07:39 > 0:07:41"has made the relationship stronger."
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I am married, but I'm not very romantic. My line in the sand,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49ladies and gentlemen, is the candles and the massage.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I'm not into candles and massage.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53I just find it a bit fussy.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56It's always with essential oils, isn't it?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58My wife goes to me, "You're tense, Jeff."
0:07:58 > 0:08:02I go, "Yeah, because I'm covered in oil, next to a bloody candle.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"Of course I'm tense.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05"Of course I'm tense.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"I'm twitchy, that's what I am, love.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14"Once false move, I'll go up like a wicker man."
0:08:15 > 0:08:17That's hardly romantic, is it?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20"What happened to your husband?" "Oh, him? He was incinerated.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24"But he left a lovely smell of ylang-ylang."
0:08:26 > 0:08:30And although we've just been married, we've actually been together ten years, me and my wife.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33And it is difficult when you've been together a long time.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Difficult to keep the mystery going.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Of course, in the bedroom, you know. I don't know if men know this,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41but women like you to get undressed in a certain order.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Did you know that? Your shoes and your socks first.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45To be alluring.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Then your trousers. Then your shirt, then your pants, I think.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Basically, if you're down to your socks and vest, you've made a mistake.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58If you're down to socks, vest, snorkel, big mistake.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01"Come back, love. You know you want to."
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Because, women, you can do things out of sync, can't you?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08You can do your bra before your T-shirt.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13On holiday you go, fiddle-de-dee, fiddle-de-do, fwa-ha!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15And as a bloke you're like that, "Oh, well done!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19"You've defied the laws of physics."
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Where do you learn that? Where do you learn that, ladies?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I always imagine it's in school. Is it in school?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28In the secret lesson. You know, the secret lesson
0:09:28 > 0:09:32where they say, "All right, boys. We'll talk about rubella now.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35"Nothing for you. Out the class, please."
0:09:35 > 0:09:39And all the boys are sent out the class and they go, "Thank you, lads. Off you go, yes.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43"All right, girls. What you do is, you go fiddle-de-dee, fiddle-de-doo, fwa-ha!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46"They bloody love it."
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Is it the same lesson where you learn how to put a towel on your head after you've washed your hair?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I do believe it is.
0:09:54 > 0:10:01"OK, ladies. Three twists. Throw it back. Ha-ha!"
0:10:03 > 0:10:06That's going nowhere, isn't it? It goes nowhere.
0:10:06 > 0:10:11Of course, the ladies don't know this, the boys are sent to another class.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13A little private class for ourselves. The teacher goes,
0:10:13 > 0:10:17"All right, lads, you drink three glasses of wine really quickly,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20then say, "I thought you were driving home."
0:10:25 > 0:10:30"OK, boys, if you go to the bathroom and you can't take the remote control with you, take the batteries out.
0:10:32 > 0:10:38"All together now, gentlemen. Push your genitals between your legs and go, 'Look love, I'm a girl.'"
0:10:43 > 0:10:46That's enough from me. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49It has been a pleasure talking to you, thank you!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Marvellous!
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Jeff Green, ladies and gentlemen! Brilliant, brilliant.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59There you go, Jeff Green!
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Come on!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06This night's really starting to cook, man!
0:11:09 > 0:11:13It's lovely to be here, amongst some exciting people.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18I'm not going to dwell too much on it, because she is one of my favourite people on television.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21She's gorgeous, she's fantastic.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25She makes every day, Monday to Friday, an event in my house.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28It's Christine Bleakley, ladies and gentlemen.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:11:30 > 0:11:35How wonderful! Thank you for coming!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Christine Bleakley!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44I have been on the show. It is an extraordinary mix
0:11:44 > 0:11:47of quite nice, jovial, humourous chat, and very serious issues.
0:11:47 > 0:11:54What I do object to, if you don't mind, is how you always ask the guest to comment on the issues.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59I mean, I saw Andrew Lloyd Webber talk about knife crime, it's not right.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Ladies and gentlemen, Christine Bleakley!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06# One! Do-do-do-do-do
0:12:06 > 0:12:08# One! One! #
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Are you ready for my next guest? - CROWD CHEERS
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Please welcome a fantastically funny man, one of my favourite comedians,
0:12:15 > 0:12:19give all your love to Mr Neil Delamere!
0:12:28 > 0:12:33Hello, hello. Nice to be back in Northern Ireland, ladies and gentlemen.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Slightly more threatening than the Republic of Ireland.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Even the road signs. There's a road sign halfway down a hill in Newry.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43It just says, "Try your brakes."
0:12:49 > 0:12:53The only place I've ever been arrested was Northern Ireland.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54I was arrested for speeding.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I was brought into the police station and the custody sergeant said,
0:12:57 > 0:13:01"You've been driving over the speed limit. Have you anything to say?"
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I said, "No." He goes "Go on! Say something, go on!
0:13:04 > 0:13:06"You say something, the arresting officer, Tony,
0:13:06 > 0:13:12"has to read it out in court! Go on! He's thick as a plank, use a long word! Go on!"
0:13:12 > 0:13:16I should have done this. "You've been charged for driving in excess of the speed limit.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18"Have you anything to say?"
0:13:18 > 0:13:24"Nothing. However, I, Constable Tony Jackson, have an admission to make.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28"Sometimes, late at night, I touch myself thinking of you, your honour."
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Because he would have to go into court,
0:13:34 > 0:13:38and go, "The defendant said, 'Nothing. However. I, Constable Tony Jackson...
0:13:42 > 0:13:44"'..have an admission to make...'"
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I don't drive that much any more, or fly.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I've been banned from Ryanair.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54I think I have. I did a gig with Michael O'Leary, head of Ryanair.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57It's true, it's called the Midlands Gateway Awards. And they said to me,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00"Here's his introduction, you're the MC.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04"He's the keynote speaker, he's worth half a billion euros, he's doing this gig for free,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08"please don't mess with his introduction."
0:14:08 > 0:14:10HE LAUGHS
0:14:10 > 0:14:13"In 1987, Ryanair ferried 5,000 passengers across Europe,
0:14:13 > 0:14:17"in 2007, they carried 20 million passengers across Europe."
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Everybody went, "Oooh."
0:14:19 > 0:14:23"Of this 20 million, 10 million got to the country they'd originally booked for...
0:14:26 > 0:14:27"..and some got their bags back.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30"Ladies and gentlemen, Michael O'Leary!"
0:14:30 > 0:14:33And he goes, "Raaarggh!" He's looking like a penguin
0:14:33 > 0:14:35who's been interfered with at this point
0:14:35 > 0:14:37He walks up to the lectern, "Rrr!"
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Because he's a penguin, not because he's been interfered with.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45"I'm here in my home town, people won't even talk to me and this little bastard is having a go at me."
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Called me a little bastard!
0:14:46 > 0:14:52Meanwhile, I'm sitting there writing down every single Ryanair joke I can think of.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54"Keep going, Michael, keep going."
0:14:54 > 0:14:59He finishes, I get up. "Right, Michael, watch this for a 25-minute turnaround."
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Then I folded up a paper aeroplane. This is my proudest moment of a long time.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09I said, "I'd like to symbolically represent a Ryanair flight now, ladies and gentlemen.
0:15:09 > 0:15:14"This isn't massively symbolic of a Ryanair plane, this is quite sturdy.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19"And if you just imagine, that corner over there is the country you want to go to. Just imagine."
0:15:19 > 0:15:22And I just turned and just flicked it.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24In the opposite direction.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26At this point, he's not laughing.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I thought "In for a penny, in for a pound."
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Which, ironically, is a Ryanair fare to Stansted.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35I said, "I like you." He said, "Really?" I said, "Yeah."
0:15:35 > 0:15:39"When you open a new route, you dress in the costume for that route for PR purposes.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42"In Rome, you dressed as a Cardinal, in Munich you dressed in Lederhosen.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44"I hope you never fly to Thailand."
0:15:46 > 0:15:51"The idea of you firing ping-pong balls out of your Westmead hole fills me with dread."
0:15:51 > 0:15:56Sucky-sucky, 10. But with taxes and charges, 150 euros.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58He still wasn't laughing and I thought,
0:15:58 > 0:16:02"Keep going, keep going. You'll never get this opportunity again."
0:16:02 > 0:16:04So I said, "You've got kids, I can't figure that out.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07"I just can't imagine you spoon-feeding a toddler."
0:16:07 > 0:16:10"Spoon-feeding a toddler?" "Yeah, just you going...
0:16:10 > 0:16:12HE MAKES AEROPLANE NOISES
0:16:12 > 0:16:14"Here comes the plane!"
0:16:14 > 0:16:17HE MAKES AEROPLANE NOISES
0:16:19 > 0:16:21"Here comes the plane, here comes the plane!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24"But you haven't paid for priority boarding."
0:16:27 > 0:16:32Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure. Enjoy your night, bye-bye.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Neil Delamere, ladies and gentlemen!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44We love Neil Delamere!
0:16:48 > 0:16:54I understand that Dame Mary Peters is here tonight with us.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Where would she be?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Dame Mary! How are you?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Look at that, ladies and gentlemen! A hero!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04CHEERING
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Good evening, hello!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08You won Olympic gold.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Are you with this gentleman over here?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Because he loves that you won gold.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I said she won gold, he went, "She did, she bloody did!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20"Every day I'm reminded of it!"
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Your event was the pentathlon.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Can you just remind me what that entails?
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Hurdles, high-jump...
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Hurdles! Very good in life, if you want to jump over things. Brilliant.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- High-jump.- Excellent, if you want to vault,
0:17:34 > 0:17:39there could be some vaulting, some railings, you're awesome at that!
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Long jump.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45Long jump, very good. If there's a waterway, you can leap over it!
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Shot put.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Shot put, does that come in useful?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52In Belfast, yes!
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"In Belfast, yes"?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I don't even know why you're applauding that!
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Pssssht!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06"Hold on, I got it!" Pssssht!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11"Don't try that with me around! I'm a gold medallist!
0:18:12 > 0:18:16"Run for it! Keep up you bastards!"
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Pleased to have you here. Dame Mary, ladies and gentlemen! What do you know?
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the next guest of the evening?
0:18:30 > 0:18:34Please, welcome to the stage the wonderful Kerry Godliman!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Hello!
0:18:46 > 0:18:49It's very nice. Are you all having a drink because it's the weekend?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53I don't drink. I don't drink, unfortunately, I used to go to AA meetings.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Which is a bit awkward to bring up at a comedy event.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00But just to reassure you, the group I used to belong to was called
0:19:00 > 0:19:05Anonymous Alcoholics, and we'd just meet down the local pub
0:19:05 > 0:19:08and just get utterly shit faced,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10and not tell each other our names.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14So, the credit crunch. That's dragging on.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18The phrase "credit crunch" is getting a bit laboured now. I'm getting bored of it.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Everyone's blaming everything on the credit crunch.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24"Weather's shit. Credit crunch. Car won't start. Credit crunch.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27"I've got Chlamydia now. Credit crunch."
0:19:27 > 0:19:30You can't blame everything on it, really.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32You've got to rein that in. And this is the thing.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34You don't know where you are.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36People use phrases and expressions.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39This is the culture we live in, a bit of bullshit culture.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I saw an advert recently for a five-door car,
0:19:42 > 0:19:46and when I got down to the showroom it turned out to be a four-door car with a boot.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51You can't go around changing the name of things! That's not reasonable,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54where do you draw the line with that scale of bullshit?
0:19:54 > 0:19:55What, then, is the petrol flap?
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Is that a fairy door?
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Because if they said that... I'd get one.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I'd be so excited. It's got a door for fairies!
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Does it come in yellow?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I'd be over the moon.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18So, yes.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22I had a baby. Last year I had a baby. It's weird when people clap that.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27APPLAUSE That's nice! But it's just procreation.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31People want to talk to you quite a lot about it, that's what I've found.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Especially old ladies, they love to talk about it.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Old ladies at bus stops will just come up to you, see you're pregnant and go, "Aw!"
0:20:37 > 0:20:40"Oh, is it your first? Are you excited?"
0:20:40 > 0:20:43This is what you get asked all the time.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46"Are you excited? Is it your first? Are you excited?"
0:20:46 > 0:20:48And I say, well, "Sometimes I'm excited.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51"But I can't sustain it because it's an emotion, it's transient.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55"Sometimes I've got a choking, suffocating sensation that I've made a mistake.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57"No, don't go away, come back."
0:20:57 > 0:21:01But they don't want to have that conversation, old ladies at bus stops.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04They want to play the guess the gender game, that's their favourite game.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06They love that game.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10It's amazing that a game with a 50/50 outcome can evoke such speculation from old women.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14But they do really love that game. It's amazing. They're like,
0:21:14 > 0:21:18"Do you know what you're going to have?" I said, "No." They said, "I'll tell you.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21"Your bump, it's high.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23"As opposed to low.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"And it was the same with Maud.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29"And I saw two magpies last Thursday.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32"And I've got a mate called Roy.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35"So you're going to have a boy."
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I said, "Back off, witch. You haven't got a clue."
0:21:37 > 0:21:41I had a girl. This is how assured they are about these things.
0:21:41 > 0:21:46This is annoying. Friends of mine who haven't got kids but have got a dog and think it's the same.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52I was chatting to a friend of mine. My daughter's very mobile, she can really move now.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56I was thinking of getting one of those...cages.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Playpen.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01And I thought, "That's a bit cruel."
0:22:01 > 0:22:05So I was chatting to my friend about it, and he said, "What we do with Edward..."
0:22:05 > 0:22:10That's his dog! He said, "What we do with Edward is we put him in a kennel with a chain."
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I said, "That seems extreme." He's like,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18"Don't blame me when she shits under the sofa and bites through electric wiring."
0:22:21 > 0:22:26You've been an absolute delight! Look forward to the rest of your weekend, goodnight!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Kerry Godliman! Come on, let's have some love!
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Wondrous!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I've got photos on my phone, I got
0:22:43 > 0:22:45one of those camera-phone phones. You take photos like that now.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Like that.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Back in the day, this is where the camera was.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Now it's like, "Oooh, yes.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"This camera's nowhere near my face any more!"
0:22:57 > 0:23:01I've got a phone that I don't know how to use as a phone, it's more of a camera.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I keep taking photos of my ear when I pick up the phone.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I've took about 38 pictures of my ear, and even a movie of my ear,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10then my face going, "How do you work it?"
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Then my ear, then my face going "I can't get it to work!"
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Then my ear again.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my next guest of the evening?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Ride that wave of excitement
0:23:28 > 0:23:32as I bring a true hero. I've been working with him quite recently,
0:23:32 > 0:23:37he's a fantastically talented and funny man. And we're right here, in his home.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40And it's an absolute pleasure to welcome to the stage,
0:23:40 > 0:23:43ladies and gentlemen, please, Mr Patrick Kielty.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49MUSIC: "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" by Beyonce
0:23:49 > 0:23:51# All the single ladies All the single ladies
0:23:51 > 0:23:53# All the singles ladies All the single ladies
0:23:53 > 0:23:56# All the single ladies All the single ladies
0:23:56 > 0:23:58# All the single ladies...#
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Maybe not all the single ladies. Um...
0:24:04 > 0:24:10So, it's nice to be back in Northern Ireland. Now that you're up to your old tricks again.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18We were doing so well! Then we had to ruin it. We were like George Best with a new liver, weren't we?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22And people in England say to me...
0:24:22 > 0:24:24ENGLISH ACCENT: "Paddy, what's going on?
0:24:24 > 0:24:29"That's weird because it was fine for a while, and now they've gone back to it.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31"Can you explain it?"
0:24:31 > 0:24:34And it's kind of weird when you have to explain what's going on,
0:24:34 > 0:24:38and your first statement is, "Well, you see, The Real IRA...
0:24:38 > 0:24:40"they're not the REAL IRA!"
0:24:42 > 0:24:45ENGLISH ACCENT: "What? But they call themselves..."
0:24:45 > 0:24:49"That's right, they CALL themselves The Real IRA, but they're not the real IRA, because,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51"you see, the REAL IRA, they're the government."
0:24:55 > 0:24:59It's... It is tricky, isn't it?
0:24:59 > 0:25:04And that's the problem. The problem is that now we've actually done some stuff again,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06we've lost our moral superiority. Have you noticed that?
0:25:06 > 0:25:11We can't look at trouble spots around the world and look down our noses.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16For a while we could do that. My mum was watching what happened in Gaza and she was like,
0:25:16 > 0:25:21"Israel and Palestine, honest to God. They're animals."
0:25:22 > 0:25:27That's another one for Barack Obama to sort out on his Facebook page.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32"America and South Korea are now friends."
0:25:33 > 0:25:35"China likes this."
0:25:37 > 0:25:39"Hezbollah has poked Israel."
0:25:42 > 0:25:44"Would you like to poke Hezbollah back?
0:25:46 > 0:25:50"Osama Bin Laden has tagged you in an album."
0:25:50 > 0:25:52"Jihad 2007."
0:25:56 > 0:26:03America and Pakistan have gone from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated".
0:26:07 > 0:26:10The world is skint. Britain and Ireland, we're the worst.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15Britain is the tramp at the bank Link machine with the cup.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Ireland, we're the dog on the string. That's how skint we are.
0:26:20 > 0:26:27It's so bad! Every man, woman and child in the country might as well have just married Heather Mills.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31That's how much we're in debt.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35At least we know, folks, that it's not our fault.
0:26:35 > 0:26:40No, no. It's these sub-prime bastards.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43I was trying to think who they were the other night,
0:26:43 > 0:26:48as I sat on my DFS sofa that I haven't paid off for three years,
0:26:48 > 0:26:52looking at my 54-inch plasma television on interest-free credit,
0:26:52 > 0:26:56in my Cashmere hoodie and my Abercrombie and Fitch tracksuit bottoms
0:26:56 > 0:27:00that I've not paid off on my store card, and I thought, "Who are these sub-prime bastards?"
0:27:01 > 0:27:08It's us! We are sub-prime. It's like Spartacus meets Ocean Finance.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Nobody wants to admit, do we? "I'm not sub-prime."
0:27:10 > 0:27:12"I'm not sub-prime!" "I'm not sub-prime."
0:27:12 > 0:27:14You are, IT'S US!
0:27:18 > 0:27:24Gordon Brown wants you to believe it's no-one's fault. It's a virus! It just started!
0:27:24 > 0:27:27He wants you to believe it's like the spread of AIDS in the 1980s.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30"Oh, it happened out in America.
0:27:30 > 0:27:35"It was an underground movement when nice white bankers decided to lend poor black people money!
0:27:35 > 0:27:43"And they caught the sub-prime virus. They then had unprotected banking with non-sub-prime people,
0:27:43 > 0:27:44"And the virus spread."
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Before you knew it, we were all having unprotected banking while Frankie Goes To Hollywood sang,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51"Relax, don't do it, if you want a loan."
0:27:51 > 0:27:54What a crock of shit that is!
0:27:56 > 0:28:03What's next? "The sub-prime virus began in Africa, when monkeys had sex with bankers.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06"And gave birth to estate agents."
0:28:11 > 0:28:16Folks, you've been great, I've been Patrick Kielty. Thank you very much, goodnight, thank you!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Patrick Kielty, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:28 > 0:28:33Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for everyone we've seen tonight. Neil Delamere!
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Kerry Godliman!
0:28:39 > 0:28:41The wonderful Jeff Green!
0:28:42 > 0:28:46And your very own Paddy Kielty!
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Thank you very much, good night!
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Thank you! Woo hoo!
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd