0:00:20 > 0:00:23Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:23 > 0:00:28please give a big Brighton welcome to Michael McIntyre!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Hello!
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Whoo!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Marvellous! Good evening!
0:00:40 > 0:00:45And welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!
0:00:47 > 0:00:53Tonight I'll be introducing you to some of the finest stand-up comedians the world has to offer,
0:00:53 > 0:00:58right here in my favourite place of them all - it's Brighton!
0:01:02 > 0:01:06This is Brighton AND Hove, actually. Is that right?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07ALL: Yes!
0:01:07 > 0:01:12You know you've got the Sea Life centre and Harry Ramsden next to each other? I love that.
0:01:12 > 0:01:19Is the brochure from the Sea Life centre the menu from Harry Ramsden? Is that how it works?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26It's lovely to have a holiday. People start thinking about them.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27"Going to go anywhere nice?"
0:01:27 > 0:01:30"Going to go anywhere nice?"
0:01:30 > 0:01:36Kind of a stupid question. "I'm going to lock myself in the loo(!) Of course I'm going somewhere nice!"
0:01:36 > 0:01:40We like to go away for two weeks. That's standard. Two weeks.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42But we don't really want to.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46We come back after two weeks and say, "The weather was good, the hotel was lovely."
0:01:46 > 0:01:50"How long did you go for?" "Two weeks." Ten days would have been enough.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54After ten days, you just want to get back to your shit life.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Don't you?
0:01:55 > 0:02:00It's very difficult to book a holiday because everything is reviewed on the internet,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03which leads to huge problems when you're making any purchase,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06especially a major one, like a holiday.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Toasters are reviewed on Amazon.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Who are these people?
0:02:10 > 0:02:15You want to buy a toaster, you go online and start reading reviews.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Who in their right mind goes, "I better review the toaster"?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23"Settings 2-6 are an embarrassment.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"What kind of a pop do you call that? I couldn't grab it!
0:02:29 > 0:02:34"I had to risk my life and do it with a knife."
0:02:35 > 0:02:41It's a fun moment when you think, "I've heard rumours of death if you try this, but I'll do it!"
0:02:42 > 0:02:46The problem with booking a holiday is a website called tripadvisor.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49If you've been near it, you'll know what I'm talking about.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53It reviews every single hotel in the world, which is good, I suppose,
0:02:53 > 0:02:59except it means every hotel in the world has received at least one terrible review!
0:02:59 > 0:03:06And it's only those reviews you believe, which makes it very difficult to decide to go anywhere.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Who in their right mind is writing these reviews? Who goes on holiday,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14comes home, unpacks and goes, "Right. Now for the review"?
0:03:16 > 0:03:22"I felt the towels were very coarse on my skin. Not what you'd expect from a four-star establishment,
0:03:22 > 0:03:26"so I've given it three stars after much deliberation.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32"Two ice cubes in a Diet Coke? UNACCEPTABLE!" In capitals!
0:03:33 > 0:03:39And you read these and take them seriously. "I don't know. The Diet Coke sounds really bad.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42"The towels might scratch. Should we go to this place?"
0:03:43 > 0:03:47And then you find one you like, it looks amazing, five-star reviews.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51"Paradise!" "Heaven!" "Best hotel you'll ever stay in!"
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"The most miraculous two weeks of our lives.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57"We were picked up from the airport on a unicorn.
0:03:57 > 0:04:02"It flew us to our destination which was so wonderfully beautiful.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07"The fish would just come up and sacrifice themselves on the plate.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"The Kids' Club was so good we left two of our children.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13"It's a better life for them. They're happier there."
0:04:15 > 0:04:20And you sit at home and think, "This is the one we should go to! Everybody loves this hotel!"
0:04:20 > 0:04:27But you keep searching and you'll find it - page 36, one star. "The waiter slapped my wife's face!" Ha!
0:04:27 > 0:04:31They've got slapping waiters! We can't go there! You'll be slapped all day!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Anyway, you finally make a decision. We went on holiday, it was nice.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Trying to park at the airport is very stressful.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Not if you do things according to plan,
0:04:42 > 0:04:46but men like to think we've got things covered. Like remembering where the car is parked.
0:04:47 > 0:04:53You park in a zone and row. The zone is alphabet and the row is numbers.
0:04:53 > 0:04:59And we're parked in C3. And I thought, "I'll never forget that."
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Because of C-3PO.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03It's Star Wars.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07My wife said, "Are you going to write that down?" "I will never forget C-3PO!
0:05:08 > 0:05:11"I've got it in my mind!" Two weeks later.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14"Where did we park?" "R2?"
0:05:16 > 0:05:19"No...D2!
0:05:19 > 0:05:23"Is there an X wing? I can't remember." So we lost the car.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29But we went to the airport. My wife hates flying.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33It doesn't help calling it the terminal. Who wants to hear that?!
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Terminal 2? Death Gate 4!
0:05:38 > 0:05:43Then you go shopping. They have huge TVs in Duty Free.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Who is buying these televisions?!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48People buy them and go, "Shit! I've got to take that to Corfu!"
0:05:52 > 0:05:56So we had a holiday, it was really lovely. We went half-board.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01Something you do to get a cheaper holiday. You sacrifice a meal in the day.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04You start to convince yourself that you don't need lunch.
0:06:04 > 0:06:09Despite living most of your life with lunch in the middle of the day,
0:06:09 > 0:06:13you decide, "To get a lower price, let's not have lunch.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19"We're never hungry when we're hot." You start lying to yourself.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24What it means is you spend two weeks stealing from breakfast to get you through the day.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30You're sitting at breakfast, you've travelled across the whole world,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32you've spent unbelievable sums
0:06:32 > 0:06:37and you're going, "Is the waiter looking? No. Grab croissants!
0:06:37 > 0:06:41"OK, go! Hello. See you later! Hello. Yes, goodbye!"
0:06:41 > 0:06:47Every day my children go, "I'm hungry. What's for lunch?" "Hot yoghurt and pain au chocolat."
0:06:49 > 0:06:54On the last day, the waiter caught us, came over, slapped my wife in the face! Couldn't believe it.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my first guest?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05LOUD ROAR OF APPLAUSE
0:07:05 > 0:07:11Please give all your love to one of, if not the favourite comedian of mine on the circuit -
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Mr Micky Flanagan!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Ah.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening, everybody.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29CHEERING
0:07:29 > 0:07:31It's very nice to be here.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I come from the East End of London. I messed up my education...
0:07:34 > 0:07:36cos they left the gate open.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I went to a tough inner-city comp with low expectations.
0:07:41 > 0:07:48In the third year, the careers officer turned up and asked us what we'd like to do with our lives.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52The most ambitious kid in the class is Gary Hutton... cos he wants to drive a van.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57We erupted. "You dreamer, Hutton!"
0:07:57 > 0:07:59LAUGHTER
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"You is never gonna drive a van.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08"No kid from this school has ever...
0:08:08 > 0:08:10"gone on to drive a van.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12"Come on, Hutton.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15"You know why this school is here.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18"It's here to produce the people
0:08:18 > 0:08:21"who carry the stuff TO the van."
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Seems like a long time ago, my school memories.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32I'm in my 40s now, getting tired, I don't go out much any more.
0:08:32 > 0:08:39If I queue up to get into a nightclub and the bouncer says, "You can't come in,"
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I just look at him and say, "Oh, thanks, mate.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48"My feet are absolutely killing me, they are.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Can't actually remember the last time I ended up "out" out. You know what I mean?
0:08:54 > 0:08:59In the UK, we drink so much, we have different levels of being out.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I'll talk you through 'em.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05You pop out to go to the shops
0:09:05 > 0:09:08and bump into a friend who says, "Shall we have a quick drink?"
0:09:08 > 0:09:11"Yeah. Only a quick one, though, cos I'm very busy."
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Three hours later, you're still in the pub.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Then the evening people come in.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20They're going out properly.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23These people are going what we like to call "out" out.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28The "out" out people come up to you and go, "You gonna come out with us?"
0:09:29 > 0:09:32And you go, "I can't come 'out' out.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36"I didn't even come out.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39"I only popped out."
0:09:41 > 0:09:45The "out" out people don't want to hear this. They look at you.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47"Look, you popped out, you've ended up out...
0:09:49 > 0:09:51"you may as well come 'out' out."
0:09:53 > 0:09:56If you've got just the right amount of alcohol in your system,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58you look at them and go, "Know what?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01"I'm coming 'out' out."
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Five hours later, you're in some horrendous nightclub.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Sinatra's or Cinderella's, some hell hole.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15You're drunk now and you feel you've got a crazy story for everybody
0:10:15 > 0:10:17and you walk up to people and go,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19"Do you know what?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"I didn't even come out.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26"I only popped out. Now look at me!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30"I'm 'out' out!"
0:10:30 > 0:10:34The reason you feel so compelled to keep telling them this rather long-winded story...
0:10:35 > 0:10:38..is cos you're standing there in your carpet slippers.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44With a pint of milk and a cut loaf.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53People of Brighton, you've been lovely. Enjoy the rest of the show.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Thank you very much for listening.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Micky Flanagan!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05We love Micky Flanagan!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Wonderful!
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Well, what do you know?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Young people. Student people.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I remember being a student.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21I'd watch Countdown every day and then play it with my flatmate.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23We'd play Countdown.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26You know you're a student when you go, "Let's play against each other."
0:11:26 > 0:11:29And Countdown is so difficult.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32You watch it. Doo-doo, doo-doo, do-doo-de-doo, boom!
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Two.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40What did you get? "Three. Yeah, baby!"
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Three? That's good for you. What's your three? "Bee."
0:11:44 > 0:11:50Bee! Oh, there's another E! I've got "be". As in, "I will BE here."
0:11:50 > 0:11:52You're doing good today!
0:11:54 > 0:12:01Then once I taped Countdown and he came in and I said, "Can we play Countdown? It's on."
0:12:01 > 0:12:04But I'd taped it. I'd watched it.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07So I started to get fives and sixes.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12He was going, "You're amazing!" Yes, I am. What's happened to me?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16I had a smoothie at lunch. My mind is on fire!
0:12:16 > 0:12:22And then when it came to the conundrum, I got it before it was revealed.
0:12:22 > 0:12:27They said, "And now for today's Countdown Conundrum." And I went, "Repugnant!"
0:12:27 > 0:12:32"Bloody hell!" I know! I'm a genius now.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Are you ready for our next guest, ladies and gentlemen?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Please welcome a fine comedian, one of my favourites indeed.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46It's the wondrous Miss Jo Caulfield!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Thank you. Very lovely, Brighton.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01It's not all lovely, though, is it?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I've been down West Street on Saturday night.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10This afternoon I went over to the Churchill Centre.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15Cos it's not all vegetarian shoes and wind chimes, is it?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I was looking around at the people in there.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22This is weird. Everyone's dressed for the gym, but no one's going.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28They're all covered in Nike, Adidas, Kappa. It's ironic, isn't it,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31that the more words people have written on their clothing,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33the less they can actually read.
0:13:36 > 0:13:42But, to be honest, recently I've been having trouble sleeping so I did go to the doctor
0:13:42 > 0:13:48and she said the thing they always say - 4 or 5 hours before you go to bed, drink no more tea or coffee.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53Then she goes, "The best thing is to have a relaxing glass of wine."
0:13:53 > 0:13:57How nice is that for a doctor? So that's what I've been doing.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Every night, before bed, I have a glass of wine.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04It's not always easy, because sometimes I'm already very drunk.
0:14:06 > 0:14:12I love going for a drink, but what I hate is the organising, the organising your friends.
0:14:12 > 0:14:17There's always people who have got difficulties. Like my friend Katie.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19She's got two beautiful children.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23She's also got one really, really ugly one.
0:14:23 > 0:14:29No, honest to God, if Wayne Rooney shagged the ginger one from Girls Aloud, that's this child.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Yeah.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Sometimes I do go, "Could you just turn her round? Thanks."
0:14:39 > 0:14:44So let me ask tonight, Brighton, do we have people in love here tonight? People in love?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46WHOOPS AND CHEERS
0:14:46 > 0:14:49A few WOMEN...
0:14:49 > 0:14:54Let me ask another question. Make some noise if you're married or in a relationship?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56CHEERING
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Wow.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01That's really quite a lot more than said they were in love.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04That is very sad.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I'm with the second lot.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11There is nothing more annoying than the newly-in-love couple, is there?
0:15:11 > 0:15:15They are so annoying. My friend has been single a long time.
0:15:15 > 0:15:20Now she's met someone "special", so I'm pleased for her.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23It's difficult to meet people, especially as you get older.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28She had to go to salsa classes and learn skills she had no interest in.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33But now she's met this guy, she will not shut up about it.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35This is one annoying thing she said:
0:15:35 > 0:15:39"Jo, do you know sometimes when we're in bed and he's asleep,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42"I will sit up just to watch him sleeping."
0:15:42 > 0:15:45LAUGHTER
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Yeah, thank you. How scary is that? You wake up, she's staring at you.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52How many people are more like me?
0:15:52 > 0:15:56How many people have gone to bed so angry at your partner
0:15:56 > 0:15:58that you pretend to have a nightmare
0:15:58 > 0:16:02just so that you can roll over and smack them in the head?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I've done that twice this week.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Ladies and gentlemen, Brighton, I've enjoyed you this evening.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11To me, comedy is like sex.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Beforehand, you're a little nervous,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15during - best feeling ever,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18and then afterwards, I get paid.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Thank you very much.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Jo Caulfield, ladies and gentlemen!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I don't like designer labels. It's a nonsense.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39People wear them to say, "Look at me, I can afford this.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41"I've got a little crocodile. You don't have that, do you?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46"You have no reptiles on your clothes.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50"Sometimes I have a little man playing polo.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55"Sometimes, because I'm loaded, the crocodile plays polo. Yes."
0:16:56 > 0:17:02I think it's a nonsense. Just wear a T-shirt with a photocopy of a recent bank statement.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08"Look - three grand. Not to mention my...savings!"
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my next guest?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14CHEERING
0:17:14 > 0:17:20Please welcome one of the rising stars of British comedy, it's Mr Jon Richardson!
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Hello!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36LAUGHTER
0:17:34 > 0:17:36How are you?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I'll give you a couple of seconds to readjust,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42because I recognise I come as quite the anticlimax.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45"Get on out there!" "Hiya!"
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Oh, dear. Seriously, though,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51it's important how you talk. People decide quickly
0:17:51 > 0:17:54if they can be bothered to listen to you or not.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59The best tip I got was from a teacher. They impart serious facts.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02The best teacher I ever had was my technology teacher.
0:18:02 > 0:18:08To make us listen, every now and again, he'd put a little speech impediment on.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Not a big one. But at the end of sentences, he'd make a little noise.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14He'd say, "Don't forget, lads,
0:18:14 > 0:18:20"if you are going to do a dovetail joint, just reinforce it with some PVA glue, mmmmmmm."
0:18:20 > 0:18:23LAUGHTER
0:18:23 > 0:18:28And that was it. That is poetry when you're 15.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31One lesson you're never missing.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36And it's genius - we were listening out for it, accidentally learning stuff.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42He knew. As a reward, he'd do a nice big one at Christmas.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46"Don't forget, lads, that will be on the exam, MMMMMMMM!"
0:18:50 > 0:18:54School was the last time I was really happy with myself, I think.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58You don't know who you are. You go to university to find out.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I went to university and found out I'm a prick.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Yeah. A real blow to me.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I have compulsions about cleanliness,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10which are not kept by most students.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13You go to university to find out you're cool, you try drugs, have sex.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I found out I like stuff tidy and in its place...
0:19:16 > 0:19:21..which is devastating when your flatmates go, "I've got a spoon
0:19:21 > 0:19:24"up my arse! Let's do some E and go out!"
0:19:24 > 0:19:28I was more like, "Why don't we wash that spoon?
0:19:29 > 0:19:37I'm much happier on my own. I'm a very angry person if I see things done in a way I don't like.
0:19:37 > 0:19:43Generally, I don't assert my anger because I have a punchable enough face as it is without provoking it,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46but it's only when I drive I become Mr Confident.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50My brain goes, "Jon, had a quick scan round and you're acting mental now."
0:19:50 > 0:19:53That's the definition of Robocop, isn't it?
0:19:53 > 0:19:57When I'm in my car, I love my horn. I really love to blast the horn.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00There's a lot of cliches about small men who blast their horn.
0:20:00 > 0:20:06If someone cuts me up, I want them to know it. So, "Screw you, society!"
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Problem is, I drive a Ford Fiesta.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12That's not the most masculine horn on the market.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16It's meant to be, "Screw you, society!" but comes out as, "Stop it!"
0:20:19 > 0:20:25I've been single for a long time now. You need a certain confidence to get in a relationship.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29My friends that are single love going up to strangers in a bar
0:20:29 > 0:20:31knowing they know nothing about them.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33I hate that. If I see someone I like,
0:20:33 > 0:20:38I'd rather give them a laminated list of everything I'm good and shit at.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43"There you go. That's the full package. I'll be over here crying into a drink."
0:20:44 > 0:20:47But my friends love it. "What do I do?" "I'm a ninja."
0:20:49 > 0:20:53Probably not a ninja or they wouldn't have seen you. Or you're crap at it.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57And confidence in sex is crucial.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01They love going, "You'll probably never have had it like this before!"
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I can do that, but it's more...
0:21:05 > 0:21:08(MEEK) "You've probably never had it like this before.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12I don't know if you've ever been with a "crier"?"
0:21:12 > 0:21:14LAUGHTER
0:21:14 > 0:21:17That's all the time I've got. It's been a pleasure. Good night!
0:21:21 > 0:21:27Mr Jon Richardson! Ladies and gentlemen, we love Jon Richardson!
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Ooh, look - it's Sally Gunnell. Sally Gunnell!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36CHEERING
0:21:36 > 0:21:40You're a winner. A winner. You won the Olympics?
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- That's brilliant. Welcome. Are you local?- Yeah, Stenning.
0:21:44 > 0:21:50- Sorry?- Stenning. Just the other side.- Stenning?- Yeah.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51You pointed to it.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56As if I was a lost man! "I need to get to Stenning, Sally Gunnell!"
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- Just on the other side. Is it that direction?- Definitely.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07People always point. Ask where they're from.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10"I'm from Portslade. That way.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14"Portslade. I've been in London. I've been in London."
0:22:14 > 0:22:17If you've just been, you go...
0:22:17 > 0:22:22"Just come from London. Now I'm going off to Stenning."
0:22:22 > 0:22:28They also tell you the height of their children. "Got any kids?" "An 8-year-old and 4-year-old.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32"We've just visited my great-grandmother in Stenning."
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Ladies and gentlemen,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38are you ready for the headline act?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40ALL: Yes!
0:22:40 > 0:22:44It is a great pleasure to introduce one of the leading lights of comedy.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Please go wild for the Pub Landlord, Mr Al Murray!
0:22:50 > 0:22:51# Don't stop me now
0:22:51 > 0:22:53# I'm having such a good time
0:22:53 > 0:22:56# I'm having a ball
0:22:56 > 0:22:59# Don't stop me now... #
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Ye-e-es!
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Let's hear it for the beer! All hail to the ale!
0:23:06 > 0:23:11And welcome the wine, for the ladies. Look at this beautiful audience.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16Eh? And look at this Muppet Show of a front row. Fantastic.
0:23:16 > 0:23:22- What's your name, son?- Calum. - Beautiful British name. What do you do?- Student.- Studying?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- DT, Physics and Maths. - DT, Physics and Maths?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Here's all you need know about physics, mate.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29That's it.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37I'm worried about this kid. You've got nothing to look forward to.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Do you even believe there's a God? No?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41You don't believe there's a God?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43You don't believe there's a GOD?
0:23:43 > 0:23:47I'll tell you what. I will prove for you now, live on stage that there is a God.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I'm not going to use Bible blah-blah or vicar waffle.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54I'll use common sense reasoning from within my brain.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59When I prove there's a God, stand and turn to this audience and say, "I believe!"
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Up for it? Good boy!
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Thanks for volunteering. Now the point is...
0:24:06 > 0:24:07There's obviously a God.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11I see proof of God's existence in creation every single day.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14The beautiful butterfly's wing,
0:24:14 > 0:24:16the dolphin cresting the wave,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18the smallpox virus in action.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Wherever I look, I see the existence of God.
0:24:21 > 0:24:26And I mainly know there's a God every time I look in the sky
0:24:26 > 0:24:29and see a jumbo jet flying in the sky.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Cos I know nothing about physics,
0:24:32 > 0:24:37I know nothing about lift, thrust, drag, aerodynamic co-efficients between different aerofoil surfaces,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39about thrust vectors from engines.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I know nothing about any of that bollocks. Never even heard of it!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45But what I do know, without a shadow of a doubt,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48is that a jumbo jet is too heavy to get off the ground.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49It's too heavy to fly.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53This is where divine intervention comes in, God comes in.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55It gets to the end of the runway, like that.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07It prepares for take-off. At this precise moment,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09God is up in Heaven looking down.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Nobody knows where it is - could be in the sky, could be in space.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17Maybe it's behind the Moon. Personally, I think it is.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21"What's going on? Oh, nearly saw me! That was close!
0:25:22 > 0:25:26"Lightning! Disappear again."
0:25:26 > 0:25:32God's up in Heaven and he looks down and he hears a sound coming from the aeroplane.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Not the sound of the engines powering up. No,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38the sound of incessant, fervent praying!
0:25:38 > 0:25:43"Please, God, make it get off the ground! I want to go on holiday, not to catch fire on the runway!
0:25:43 > 0:25:47"Please make it fly! Please, God! Please, please, please!"
0:25:47 > 0:25:50And that's just the crew. God hears this...
0:25:51 > 0:25:56..and he's reminded of a promise he made to mankind
0:25:56 > 0:25:58over 100 years ago
0:25:58 > 0:26:01on September 17th, 1903.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Cos on September 17th, 1903, God was up in Heaven
0:26:05 > 0:26:08looking down at the world and he heard two men arguing, rowing.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13He saw they were arguing over this strange contraption,
0:26:13 > 0:26:15this weird thing with wings
0:26:15 > 0:26:17and a tail and an engine.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22And they were rowing. He looked and said, "That's never going to fly.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25"It's got wings, but they don't even flap. Eh?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28"All those birds flying around as a clue.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31"What a tragic waste."
0:26:31 > 0:26:36And the Wright brothers were kicking off. "No, listen to me, fool!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38"Ain't no way this is gonna fly!"
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Brothers. Now, God heard this...
0:26:41 > 0:26:44and thought they'd kill each other.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47So at the moment of take-off he reached down,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50picked up the aeroplane
0:26:50 > 0:26:52and carried it round the prairie.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55IMMITATES ENGINE
0:26:56 > 0:26:58"Holy shit!"
0:27:06 > 0:27:07Like that.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09"Now who's da fool?"
0:27:11 > 0:27:15As a result, mankind achieved its first-ever powered flight, BUT
0:27:15 > 0:27:21God had snookered himself. From that moment on, he's obliged to make every other plane fly.
0:27:21 > 0:27:27And that's why the 20th century turned to shit, cos God was too busy juggling aeroplanes.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30All day, every day, Heathrow Airport.
0:27:30 > 0:27:35"Oh, here they come. Stansted as well. Gatwick...
0:27:35 > 0:27:39"Shoreham Airport... with just one."
0:27:39 > 0:27:44Heathrow, all day. That's why we won the Battle of Britain.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48God, being British, was dropping German aeroplanes on the sly.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51"Oh, there goes a Messerschmitt."
0:27:51 > 0:27:54And that proves the existence of God, using common sense.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59On your feet, turn to this audience and say, "I believe!" That's it.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- I believe there's a God! - Good boy! Fantastic!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05CHEERING
0:28:05 > 0:28:06Beautiful.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10There you go, Pops. Sorted that for you.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14Been my pleasure. Please take your glasses up to the bar!
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Good night!
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Pub Landlord, Al Murray, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Marvellous!
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up
0:28:29 > 0:28:32for all the acts we had tonight - we had Micky Flanagan!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34CHEERING
0:28:34 > 0:28:37The wonderful Jo Caulfield was here!
0:28:37 > 0:28:39CHEERING
0:28:39 > 0:28:42The sensational Jon Richardson!
0:28:42 > 0:28:44CHEERING
0:28:44 > 0:28:47And our wonderful headline act, the Pub Landlord, Al Murray!
0:28:47 > 0:28:49CHEERING
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Thank you very much! Good night! Thank you!
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Thank you! Whoo-hoo!
0:29:09 > 0:29:12Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd