0:00:23 > 0:00:27Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big Glasgow welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Michael McIntyre!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Come on, then! Bravo!
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Good evening. Hello!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Welcome.
0:00:38 > 0:00:44Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Oh, yeah!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Right here...
0:00:49 > 0:00:52in my favourite city of them all.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53It's Glasgow!
0:00:58 > 0:01:02The last time I was in Glasgow, I spoke to somebody in the front row,
0:01:02 > 0:01:04which was kind of embarrassing.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07He was there with his glasses. He was holding them like that.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10I was like, "This is weird. Why's he brought his glasses?"
0:01:10 > 0:01:13So I said to him, "What are you doing with your glasses here?"
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Do you have not high hopes for the show?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Are you reading during my show? Are they reading glasses?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21He just looked at me and went, "I've got a lazy eye!"
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Now, this was awkward, OK?
0:01:23 > 0:01:28You could feel the atmosphere in the theatre shift, so I tried to change the subject.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31"What's your name?" "Iain." I couldn't resist it. "Is that with two Is?"
0:01:31 > 0:01:34It was there for the taking. He set that up.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Let me introduce you to some people we have in the audience.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45We have Colin and Justin here! How exciting!
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Colin and Justin!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Neil Lennon, ladies and gentlemen. Neil Lennon.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54CHEERING AND BOOING
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Now, I might have...
0:01:56 > 0:02:02I might have mixed up the biogs. So, Neil, you're an interior designer?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07And Colin and Justin, you manage Celtic? Is that right?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09"First of all, the hoops have to go!"
0:02:12 > 0:02:16"Come on, Colin, let's see what we can do...with the midfield."
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I'm not going to dwell on football
0:02:20 > 0:02:23but it's a wide open championship, as it always is here in Scotland.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28I always love to see the league table. Rangers, 7,210 points.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Celtic 7,210 points.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Hearts, seven.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Anyone could win it. It's wide open.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43It was a taxi driver yesterday who told me not to get into football.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45He said, "I'll give you an example.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"There was an American tourist that I picked up,
0:02:48 > 0:02:52"and they were in brand-new Rangers... Brand-new kits,
0:02:52 > 0:02:57"with big white shorts and a huge white new trainers."
0:02:57 > 0:03:03And they just said to him, "Hey, we've just been to Ibrox and we've got our new Rangers suits.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05"Can you take us into town?"
0:03:05 > 0:03:10Apparently, the taxi driver said, "It'll probably be quicker if I just take you to A&E."
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Do you think that I've lost weight, though, Colin and Justin?
0:03:23 > 0:03:28I put a lot of weight on, because I have children, and I would eat their food.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32This is what happens. I started to eat it before they'd had a go at it,
0:03:32 > 0:03:35which was when I started to realise, this has to stop.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Most parents go, eat up all your food.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41I was going, "Hey, leave some for me. Come on, Daddy's hungry."
0:03:41 > 0:03:45I have two children. They're five two years old, Lucas and Oscar.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47It's very difficult to look after two children.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50My wife does an amazing job. All mums do an amazing job.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- APPLAUSE - Yes, let's applaud mums! There you go.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57But, when I have to look after them on my own,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59it is actually very, very difficult.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03I'll take them to the park and they run in opposite directions
0:04:03 > 0:04:06and I have a split second to pick my favourite. Oh!
0:04:08 > 0:04:11He's quite cute, but he shows academic promise...
0:04:13 > 0:04:15They watch a lot of TV, I'm not going to lie to you.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I plonk them in front of the TV.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I've got TVs in the car.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23I've even strapped a DVD player to the baby's buggy. Watch that!
0:04:25 > 0:04:27What annoys me about children's TV is the adverts.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30They have these adverts for toys we have to buy.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33They're like, "Daddy, I want this, I want this Transformer! I want it."
0:04:33 > 0:04:37It's always rubbish, and I buy it, and I can't get it out of the packaging.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40You need the smallest screwdriver known to man
0:04:40 > 0:04:44to access the battery compartment of toys, and you can't buy them.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46You have to wait until Christmas Day
0:04:46 > 0:04:49and hope you get the cracker with the miniature screwdriver set,
0:04:49 > 0:04:53otherwise you have no chance of getting in.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57And what winds me up even more is they have adverts
0:04:57 > 0:05:01aimed at parents on children's television.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Their theory makes sense - that the adults are watching telly
0:05:04 > 0:05:08with their kids, but my kids shouldn't be watching this shit, OK?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11"Washing machines live longer with Calgon!"
0:05:11 > 0:05:14My children sing this in the car.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I'm like, # She'll be coming round the mountain... #
0:05:16 > 0:05:20"Washing machines live longer with Calgon!" I don't need that.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I asked my son what he wants for his birthday.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27He wants Cillit Bang for his birthday. But why?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Why do you want Cillit Bang?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31You're a five-year-old-boy.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35"Daddy, it is amazing. It gets rid of lime scale, grease, soap scum, grime.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38"The results are truly outstanding."
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Then my other son ran in. "Bang, and the dirt is gone!"
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Are you sure there's nothing else I can get you?
0:05:46 > 0:05:52"I want to consolidate all my debts into an easily affordable and manageable monthly lump sum."
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I got them a trampoline which I'm enjoying more than them
0:05:55 > 0:05:57cos I can see into my neighbours' gardens.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01It's exciting. "Oh, they've got a new barbecue. That's massive.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03"Look at this, darling." My wife and I jump together.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05"Oh, a gazebo. I never thought of that.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07"They've got a trampoline too."
0:06:07 > 0:06:11The other day I was bouncing and so was the neighbour. "Oh! Argh! Jesus!"
0:06:13 > 0:06:15You don't get that much fun as an adult.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17The most fun we get is revolving doors.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18That's the only real fun.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21There's no reason for them, revolving doors.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23It's normally next to a normal door.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27You walk towards the building you can see... Do I revolve in?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Or do I do...? You have this option.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33That's easier, isn't it? But no, people will always prefer this.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35This is much more fun.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40That's the life, isn't it?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Also, you don't have to hold it for anyone.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50When you open the door and you have to look behind you and see...
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Then you have to judge the distance of the person.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Oh, is it worth waiting for this...?
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Sometimes you look at them and go, "Sorry, I..."
0:07:02 > 0:07:05But revolving doors can be quite tricky, as well.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Especially when you're with somebody and the segments are coming round.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12They go in the segment and they look to you, "Are you coming in my segment?"
0:07:12 > 0:07:16"I don't know. All right, I'm in your segment with you. It's a bit cramped.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18"I should have taken my own segment!"
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Or they'll take a segment. "You go, I'll take my own segment.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26"I'm fine! I'm in my own segment."
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Then some complete stranger... "Get out of my segment!"
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Or they have those automatic revolving ones in airports.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Huge, big ones, with a flower display in the middle.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- Is that something you guys added?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49You know what this revolving door needs?
0:07:49 > 0:07:53You know, when you walk into an airport, for two to three seconds...
0:07:53 > 0:07:57There's no shrubbery. We could definitely jazz it up a bit.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Can I congratulate both of you, though, on being so kind
0:08:01 > 0:08:05to people at the beginning of 60 Minute Makeover?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Just once, I think you should do a Christmas edition, where you're more honest. You know?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11When you just walk in and go,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13"What a pile of shit.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19"Do you live like this? You seriously...? Are you blind?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23"Hideous. Justin, I'm queasy.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25"Take me outside. I'm going to vomit.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29"Oh! Ah.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33"I've just vomited on your sofa and it's improved it.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40"I'll see you in 60 minutes. You disgust me."
0:08:47 > 0:08:50OK, I'm going to bring on my first guest of this evening.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54You are in for absolute treat. He is a fantastic comedian.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56It is a pleasure to have him.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Please welcome the fantastic talent of Mr Milton Jones, ladies and gentlemen!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:16 > 0:09:20- So, good evening! AUDIENCE:- Good evening!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23< Hey!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Some weird people about, aren't there?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I was sitting in traffic the other day...
0:09:30 > 0:09:31and I got run over.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46My grandfather, he can't do what he used to, bless him.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48You know, bomb the Japanese.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58My other grandfather, he would never, ever throw anything away.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I bet he died in the war, holding on to a hand grenade.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08My other grandfather...
0:10:10 > 0:10:13..his last words to me were, "you selfish boy".
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Not long after that I became a fishmonger.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27My other... Sell fish.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36My other grandfather... LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:41Has got a metal plaque on his forehead dedicated to a park bench that died.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48My other grandfather...
0:10:48 > 0:10:51He broke his leg by standing on the doormat.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Probably should have explained to him the concept of a helter-skelter.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05Students can study all sorts of things these days, but then the exams are a lot easier.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10I know this because I recently passed an exam in cheerleading.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13I just went in and said, "give me an A," and they did.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I just went back to my old school, first time in 20 years.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I took a note.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I went back for the funeral of my old science teacher.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36They asked me to say a few words, so I did.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Method.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41We put the coffin in the crematorium.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Observations.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48It burned with an orange-y bright flame.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Conclusion.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55No more homework.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I was talking to a nurse the other day.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10She said the main problem facing the NHS is Holby City.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Actually, she might have said, obesity.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25She was eating a cake at the time.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32I think if I had unlimited money I'd hire two private investigators
0:12:32 > 0:12:34and get them to follow each other.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46I would just like to say to the old man who was wearing camouflage gear
0:12:46 > 0:12:50and using crutches, who stole my wallet earlier...
0:12:50 > 0:12:52You can hide, but you can't run.
0:12:58 > 0:13:04I was walking along today, and on the road I saw a small dead baby ghost.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Although, thinking about it,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12it might have been a handkerchief.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Tricky, isn't it? If you've got to text someone that one of their
0:13:24 > 0:13:28relatives has died, and your name is Lol.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45May he rest in peace...
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Lol.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58This year, I went home for Christmas.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Couldn't get in the door.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Too many grandads.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13So what's it like, then, to have voices in your head?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I hear you ask.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Hopefully, I've got a book coming out soon.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I shouldn't have eaten it, really.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Well, it's great to have been here.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37I'll leave you with this.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41My other grandfather...
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I remember years ago,
0:14:45 > 0:14:50being in his house and on the table there was a chocolate cake.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53And he looked over at me, and he said, "Go on!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"No-one's looking."
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I said, "What, really?" He said, "Go on!
0:15:01 > 0:15:04"No-one's looking."
0:15:04 > 0:15:07So I got up, and I punched Grandma.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15That's all from me. Have a good night. Thank you very much.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28We love Milton Jones!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Wonderful.
0:15:32 > 0:15:37So you know what this is, don't you? This is my show.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39This is the Michael McIntyre Comedy Road Show.
0:15:39 > 0:15:44And the BBC just asked me if I had any ideas on how to promote the series, and to do trailers.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47And I've just put in a request. I don't know if they're going to go
0:15:47 > 0:15:52with it, but we're on after Casualty, and I've asked if I can be in Casualty.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56I want to be lying on a gurney, just coming down the corridor,
0:15:56 > 0:16:02and then just go, "watch my show straight after this." We'll see if they go for it.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09All right, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my next guest of the evening?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:16:11 > 0:16:16It gives me great pleasure to introduce a man who is definitely going to go on to wonderful things.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Please welcome to the stage Daniel Sloss, ladies and gentlemen.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Hello!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Ladies and gentlemen. Are you well this evening?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Yes!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38As you can tell, I'm, like, 19, which is weird - being young and doing this job.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Can't do stuff older comedians can do.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45You'll see older comedians who come on stage and brag about having sex with women half their age...
0:16:45 > 0:16:48LAUGHTER
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Tends to be frowned upon, really.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01I can't tell sex stories for two reasons. One, I look like this.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05If I were to tell a sex story, it would look and
0:17:05 > 0:17:09sound like a child reading out a molestation charge in court.
0:17:11 > 0:17:17I'd be standing there going, "First...she took her trousers off.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26"And then she took my trousers off."
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I might as well be holding a doll at this point, pointing out where she touched me.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33The other reason is, I'm 19.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I'm not going to lie you - I don't have that many sexual experiences.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39If I were to tell a sex story it would go along the lines of...
0:17:39 > 0:17:43"I had sex! Yes!"
0:17:47 > 0:17:49"In your face, Dad!"
0:17:51 > 0:17:53And nobody wants to hear that.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Especially not my girlfriend's dad.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I love my girlfriend. She's beautiful. She's funny. She's smart.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02She's way out of my league. And those aren't my words.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Those are her dad's...
0:18:04 > 0:18:07in a letter he wrote to me at Christmas.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Covered in his own tears, which was nice of him, but, er... She's good.
0:18:11 > 0:18:17We've been together for about just over a year, and she says she's open to a lot of things, sexually.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Apparently one of those things isn't criticism.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26She was doing it wrong.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31No, she's better than my ex-girlfriend. I hated my ex-girlfriend.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34She called me Dan, because it was short for Daniel.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39I called her Luce because...she was a slag. It was...
0:18:44 > 0:18:47It's weird being young as well, though, because the media just
0:18:47 > 0:18:50hate us, because we're stabby little things, apparently.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54One of my favourite ones comes from the comic book The Sun... Er...
0:18:54 > 0:18:56LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:19:02And they said, "Did you know a shocking 60 per cent of teenage stabbings were due to disagreements?"
0:19:04 > 0:19:06D'oh!
0:19:06 > 0:19:10I've never stabbed someone because they agreed with me!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13"Dan, that was a great pub." "I know, you bell-end." It's not right.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20My favourite one was they came out, about Glasgow, and they said, "You are not more likely
0:19:20 > 0:19:24"to be stabbed in Glasgow than anywhere else in the world.
0:19:24 > 0:19:30"But, if you are stabbed in Glasgow, you're more likely to be stabbed repeatedly."
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Because in Glasgow, when you commit a crime, you commit a crime!
0:19:40 > 0:19:42So I'm still living at home with my parents, though, which
0:19:42 > 0:19:45is quite funny because my dad, he's a very technical man, my dad.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48He's good with me and my brothers. I've got two little brothers.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52One's a six year-old, and the other one's a dickhead and...
0:19:54 > 0:19:57We mess around with him a lot. Whenever we go on family holidays
0:19:57 > 0:20:01and we get to the airport, when my dad gets to the metal-detector machine,
0:20:01 > 0:20:05just as he starts to undo his belt, me and my brothers go, "No, Dad, I'm sorry!"
0:20:07 > 0:20:10It's the best way to start a family holiday, I tell you.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:14 > 0:20:17He's very smart. He's very good with computers, and I'm not.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I can find the porn, and that's about it. Now...
0:20:20 > 0:20:24One day my computer broke and I went, "Dad, do you mind fixing my computer?"
0:20:24 > 0:20:26And he did the standard dad thing. He went, "OK, I'll fix it, right?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28"But what I want you to do is I want you to watch
0:20:28 > 0:20:32"me fix it so next time it breaks, you know how to fix it, right?"
0:20:32 > 0:20:35And I just went, "Yeah, whatever, dickhead, right?"
0:20:35 > 0:20:38So he's sitting there, fiddling away. With the computer, not himself.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Not that kind of family.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43"What are you doing?" "Leave me alone."
0:20:43 > 0:20:46It's probably not even broken, actually. But I was sitting
0:20:46 > 0:20:50there, ignoring everything he said, and he then went to the internet.
0:20:50 > 0:20:56He then went to the browsing history, and the Argos catalogue of porn revealed itself.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Now, we'd both seen it. I couldn't pretend I hadn't seen it.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I couldn't look away, because that would be acknowledging it.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04I couldn't look at him because I was unsure if he still loved me.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09Now, this means the longer we're staring at the screen, the more titles he's able to read.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11This stuff is bookmarked and favourited.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16He learns more about me in this five minutes than he's ever wanted to know about me before.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20And the only thing he can do, after two minutes of horrible silence,
0:21:20 > 0:21:24was move the mouse over one particular website and just go,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"That one's good."
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Oh, God!
0:21:35 > 0:21:39The reason I'm sort of worried about getting old as well is... I'm not worried about being old.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I'm worried about the next generation of kids, because my brothers scare the crap out of me.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46The dick is a 10 year-old. He's very smart.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48He's a lot smarter than I ever was that age.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50The other day I was in my room and he came in.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54He's like, "Daniel, Daniel, Daniel! We learned something awesome at school."
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Oh! "I don't care." "No, no, go on."
0:21:55 > 0:21:59"Right, what is it?" "Did you know the tongue has memory?"
0:21:59 > 0:22:02"No, possibly because you made that up."
0:22:02 > 0:22:08"No, honestly. Because, you know, when you think of something sweet, your mouth starts to salivate?"
0:22:08 > 0:22:10"Yeah, kind of."
0:22:10 > 0:22:14"And if you think of something sour, it starts getting all tangy in your mouth."
0:22:14 > 0:22:20"Kind of." "Well, apparently, if you pretend to shake a salt shaker on your tongue, you can taste salt."
0:22:20 > 0:22:26Now, none of you got this, and neither did I, which is why, for the next 30 seconds, I did this.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32"Just like this?" "Yeah, just like that." "OK."
0:22:32 > 0:22:34"It's not working." "Show Mum. Show Mum."
0:22:34 > 0:22:36"Mum!" "What?"
0:22:38 > 0:22:40"What are you doing?" "I'm trying to taste salt."
0:22:42 > 0:22:45"Oh, you little git!
0:22:45 > 0:22:50It's been a pleasure. I'm Daniel Sloss. Enjoy the rest of the night. Cheers.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Slossy! Well done.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Daniel Sloss, ladies and gentlemen!
0:22:59 > 0:23:0219 years old!
0:23:02 > 0:23:0319 years old!
0:23:05 > 0:23:11God that winds me up! I went on your...
0:23:11 > 0:23:17One of the most optimistic sentences I've ever read in my entire life, "the Glasgow open-top bus tour."
0:23:17 > 0:23:19- I went on it yesterday. - CHEERING
0:23:19 > 0:23:23It's quite good. I really enjoyed it, learning about the city.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26There is this one bit, though, when you're driving down the road, and I
0:23:26 > 0:23:30had the headphones in and it said, "on your left is the Glasgow SECC "conference centre,
0:23:30 > 0:23:34"home of many international conferences and rock events."
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Then at the end of the road, the bus turns around and it goes,
0:23:37 > 0:23:41on your right is the Glasgow SECC exhibition centre...
0:23:41 > 0:23:42You can't do it twice!
0:23:47 > 0:23:52- Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to keep the comedy coming. Are you ready for my next guest?- Yes!
0:23:52 > 0:23:56I've watched this man for many, many years. He is absolutely wonderful.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58It is a treat to have him here.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Please go wild for the wild man, Mr Craig Campbell!
0:24:02 > 0:24:06MUSIC: "Sixteen Tons"
0:24:06 > 0:24:08' # Another day older and deeper in debt
0:24:08 > 0:24:12' # Saint Peter, don't you call me, cos I can't go...'
0:24:12 > 0:24:15# I owe my soul to the company store. #
0:24:17 > 0:24:19How you doing, Glasgow? Nice to be out here.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23They were running out of raw meat backstage!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I love being in Glasgow.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26I love being in Scotland.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Part conversation, part puzzle.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34With always the threat of a head-butt.
0:24:41 > 0:24:47I'm Canadian of Scottish heritage, of course, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. CHEERING
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I do enjoy being in this part of the world, though.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54Nowhere else like it. You're the only people that will correct me on the pronunciation of my own name.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56"Nice to meet you, my name's Craig."
0:24:56 > 0:24:58"Pleasure to meet you, Craig."
0:25:06 > 0:25:10And if you're watching this and you haven't been to Scotland
0:25:10 > 0:25:12and if you haven't been to Glasgow, get yourself up here.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17There's something that everyone in this theatre knows that you won't know your first time in Scotland.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20If you come to Glasgow and you're on Sauchiehall Street
0:25:20 > 0:25:25at two o'clock in the morning, which if you come to Glasgow you will be on Sauchiehall Street
0:25:25 > 0:25:29at two o'clock in the morning. And when you buy yourself a pizza,
0:25:29 > 0:25:33you will quickly find out that it's everyone's pizza.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:25:43 > 0:25:46"Go ahead. Enjoy it our pizza, fellas."
0:25:46 > 0:25:51My mother taught me never to argue with five guys wearing the same shirt.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Nothing panics you.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02That's the great thing about the British public.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I'm from a part of the world where people get emotional.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08"I wanted cream in my coffee! That's milk!"
0:26:11 > 0:26:14In John O'Groats to Land's End, the same reaction. Bit of a problem?
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Don't let your face know.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21"Oh, my hair's on fire.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"Bit of a negative development."
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Have you ever been around Americans when they freak out when there's no problem?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32"I said pepperoni!
0:26:42 > 0:26:45"Never made pizza before or something?
0:26:46 > 0:26:50"You want someone to hop that counter, show you how to flip pizzas back there?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53"You want that going on right here, right now?"
0:26:53 > 0:26:57"Jesus, man. We were hungry and now we're running from the cops."
0:26:59 > 0:27:00I always love a good British reaction.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03"We could remove the mushrooms ourselves.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09"It's a little bit of free food, as far as I'm concerned.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11"You are looking at breakfast.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15"Oh, my hair's on fire."
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I just love the fact that you don't...
0:27:24 > 0:27:26You don't help anybody out that's not from here.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Everybody gets into this place and you got all the same game to play.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33There's no speed limit signs on the motorways.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I don't know if you've noticed, you don't bother to put up signs
0:27:36 > 0:27:39to inform anyone who perhaps wasn't born among you...
0:27:44 > 0:27:46..as to what speed maybe they should be travelling, no?
0:27:46 > 0:27:50We've got to try and figure out from how everyone around us is driving
0:27:50 > 0:27:52what the speed might be.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54If you asked anybody from another country,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56"What do you think the speed limit is?"
0:27:56 > 0:27:59"I don't know, 110? Is it 110 here?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02"During the day? Maybe 100 at night. I don't know - what is it?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04"Surprise me. 70?!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06"What a surprise, wow."
0:28:06 > 0:28:09The speed no-one's doing, that's the one you chose. Good for you.
0:28:12 > 0:28:17I love the fact that you don't bother to put up speed limit signs, but you've got a camera every 40ft.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20And clearly nobody gives a crap about that!
0:28:20 > 0:28:24I've never lived amongst such defiance! That's what I'm telling you.
0:28:24 > 0:28:30I've never lived among so many people that can actually say, "I don't care any more!
0:28:32 > 0:28:35"Aaaaaaagh!
0:28:40 > 0:28:43"I can't believe I still have a licence! Ha-ha!
0:28:43 > 0:28:46"It's my car, but whose plates?
0:28:46 > 0:28:48"I wonder whose plates they might be."
0:28:48 > 0:28:51It's the angst that I love about you, the British angst.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Everybody here has a bit of...aaaagh! ..in them.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55It's what Canadians have none of.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59I don't know if you've been there, but, "I think I hear a parade."
0:29:02 > 0:29:05"Oh, it's only an ice-cream truck, everybody. Stand down."
0:29:07 > 0:29:09The nation I represent.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13If you thought the Swedes were a pack of weenies...
0:29:13 > 0:29:16And if you didn't, go ahead and visit Stockholm for a couple of days.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19"We invented the cheese cutter first."
0:29:24 > 0:29:25Take your own life.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32The Swedes wind me up something fierce.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34They probably don't react with the Scots the same,
0:29:34 > 0:29:36but for Canadians they wind me up,
0:29:36 > 0:29:39cos they are the safest people on the planet, and I only know that
0:29:39 > 0:29:43because Canadians are the second safest people on the planet,
0:29:43 > 0:29:46and we've constantly got Sweden on the phone trying to find out
0:29:46 > 0:29:49what the next safe thing we should be doing is.
0:29:49 > 0:29:50"Hello, Sweden - it's Canada again.
0:29:50 > 0:29:54"We're just sitting around the house trying not to hurt ourselves.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59"Thought you might have another healthy tip or a pointer."
0:30:01 > 0:30:07"If I were you, I would drive during the day with my lights on."
0:30:15 > 0:30:18"Sounds like a great idea, Sweden!
0:30:18 > 0:30:22"We will implement that as law, immediately."
0:30:22 > 0:30:26For 20 years, I've been driving during the day with my lights on by law,
0:30:26 > 0:30:30and I brought that habit to live among you for the last 12 years, in the UK,
0:30:30 > 0:30:34and I've never lived amongst so many generally mild-mannered people
0:30:34 > 0:30:38who will get so infuriated with me for simply driving
0:30:38 > 0:30:39during the day with my lights on.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42I'm talking every second car. "Your lights are on!
0:30:42 > 0:30:44"What the hell's wrong with you?"
0:30:44 > 0:30:46INDISTINCT
0:30:46 > 0:30:49"And he has sunglasses on!"
0:30:54 > 0:30:56It drives you out of your mind.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58I've actually had a pedestrian...
0:30:58 > 0:31:01Whether or not you want to believe this... This is true.
0:31:01 > 0:31:06I had a guy on foot, when I was stationary in traffic, physically assaulting my vehicle.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08"The lights are on!
0:31:09 > 0:31:12"They're on! It's the day!
0:31:13 > 0:31:19"That's the sun! It's behind the clouds, but it's on!"
0:31:25 > 0:31:29Couldn't be a more spectacular place to perform comedy.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32A pleasure to see you, Glasgow. Have a nice life. Take care.
0:31:36 > 0:31:37That was amazing.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41That was amazing. That was Craig Campbell.
0:31:41 > 0:31:47That was superb. Mr Craig Campbell!
0:31:48 > 0:31:49He's one of you!
0:31:51 > 0:31:53Now, it is very difficult.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55I cannot swear on my show on the BBC, so...
0:31:55 > 0:32:01I just find it very difficult not to swear in Glasgow, because it's a way of life here.
0:32:01 > 0:32:05If I needed an example of this, it was at baggage reclaim, where a child,
0:32:05 > 0:32:09OK, I'm putting his age between five and six years old,
0:32:09 > 0:32:11came up to me and said,
0:32:11 > 0:32:15- "Excuse me, are you Michael- BLEEP- McIntyre?" What?!
0:32:19 > 0:32:22I'm like, "No, my middle name is James."
0:32:24 > 0:32:28Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for our headline act!
0:32:34 > 0:32:37It gives me great pleasure to introduce him to this stage.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41He's had an absolutely fantastic year. He's Glasgow's own.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44What can I say? Mr Kevin Bridges, ladies and gentlemen.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:55 > 0:32:56Hello.
0:33:03 > 0:33:07Hello, Glasgow. Yeah!
0:33:08 > 0:33:12It's a pleasure to be back on the Comedy Road Show, in Glasgow.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14Last series, I was in Edinburgh.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Last series, Edinburgh.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19Don't boo. You don't need to boo. They're nice people.
0:33:19 > 0:33:24Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, very different cities.
0:33:24 > 0:33:28In Edinburgh, when a gun goes off, it's one o'clock.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38And we'll leave it at that.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43It's good, making a bit of national TV.
0:33:43 > 0:33:47I've got a regional accent, so I always sound quite severe on national TV.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50I never realised I had such a strong accent
0:33:50 > 0:33:55until I went to the cinema to see a movie called The Taking Of Pelham 123,
0:33:55 > 0:33:58I don't know if anybody went to the cinema to see this movie?
0:33:58 > 0:34:02It was pretty deserted, the cinema. I don't think that's a reflection
0:34:02 > 0:34:09on the movie itself, more the struggle to obtain tickets in the Glasgow area,
0:34:09 > 0:34:12with the automated cinema ticket booking line.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16They do not do Glasgow accents.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21I phoned up. It was quite simple.
0:34:21 > 0:34:26"Welcome to Odeon. Please state which branch of Odeon you would like to purchase tickets for."
0:34:26 > 0:34:30Now, that's straightforward, because there's one word in the English dictionary
0:34:30 > 0:34:34designed to be said in a Glasgow accent, and it's "Glasgow".
0:34:42 > 0:34:45And then I began to encounter some difficulties.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51"OK, please speak slowly and clearly, stating the full name of the movie
0:34:51 > 0:34:52"you would like to purchase tickets for.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56"If you'd like to hear a full list of movies again, please press one."
0:34:56 > 0:34:59The Taking Of Pelham 123.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04"I'm sorry - I didn't quite catch that.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09"Please, speak slowly and clearly, stating the full name of the film you'd like to see.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12"If you'd like to hear a list of movies again, please press one."
0:35:12 > 0:35:14The Taking Of Pel-ham...
0:35:16 > 0:35:18..123
0:35:21 > 0:35:24"I'm sorry..." I just gave up.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28I thought, I'll show up early and buy my tickets face to face.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Old school ticket-purchasing.
0:35:30 > 0:35:37However, I picture some Scottish nationalist who would see this as a form of linguistic repression
0:35:37 > 0:35:39and remain on that phone for as long as it took.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43The Tak-ING...
0:35:44 > 0:35:47..Of Pel-HAM.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49One, two, three.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53"I'm sorry - I didn't quite catch that."
0:35:53 > 0:35:54English bastards!
0:35:54 > 0:35:57APPLAUSE
0:36:03 > 0:36:07"Thank you. You have chosen Inglourious Basterds, certificate..."
0:36:10 > 0:36:13I still live in this city here. I've recently moved out.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16I no longer live with my parents, and that's quite cool.
0:36:16 > 0:36:20You get a bit of freedom, a bit of independence that you longed for as a young person,
0:36:20 > 0:36:25from the very first moment you got your taste of independence, when word had spread
0:36:25 > 0:36:31in your school that somebody's mum and dad were going away for the weekend.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35And that the person was having a party.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39The person never knew they were having a party.
0:36:41 > 0:36:45Perhaps "having" would be the wrong choice of word. They were GETTING a party.
0:36:47 > 0:36:51When I was growing up, it was called an "empty." That's what we called it.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53CHEERING
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Which derives from somebody had the house to themselves.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04They had an empty house. Thus, they had an "empty".
0:37:04 > 0:37:12Now, you mustn't confuse the empty with the high school parties that you see in American movies.
0:37:13 > 0:37:18IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, man, do you guys know a kid called Chad Hogan?
0:37:21 > 0:37:24Yeah, everybody knows Chad Hogan, dude.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26He's, like, the coolest kid in high school.
0:37:26 > 0:37:33Well, Chad Hogan's mom and dad are going away to Long Island for the weekend, man.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36There's a party at Chad Hogan's place?
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Yeah. Spring break!
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Then it shows you Chad Hogan's party.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48The guy's booked a band for his living room.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55Everybody's nodding with these plastic cups of beer.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58Great party, Chad! Yeah! Woo!
0:37:58 > 0:38:01A bedroom door swings open. Some guy emerges.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Guess who got to third base last night, yeah!
0:38:04 > 0:38:07The guy's about 35 years old.
0:38:09 > 0:38:13That's not the kind of parties we had. We never had spring break.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15We had the Easter holidays.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20A lot more tension in an empty.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22Somebody's psycho cousin...
0:38:26 > 0:38:29..would disrupt the ambience
0:38:29 > 0:38:36by announcing he'd purchased 12 cans, drank two, spilled one, but only had seven left.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Turn that music off. We've got a can thief. Turn that off.
0:38:46 > 0:38:50People are crying with the tension. This guy...
0:38:50 > 0:38:55Somebody else in the corner smoking a joint and blowing it into the Labrador's face.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06An intelligent dog, as well, and it's sitting there frazzled.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11Put a bit in its bowl, eh?
0:39:11 > 0:39:13Ah, come on.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15Yeah, it's the dog's weekend as well, right? Eh?
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Somebody go in the kitchen and get the thing a custard cream.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29Another guy just trying on people's jackets.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39Do you think this one suits me?
0:39:39 > 0:39:44Not even asking does it fit me. Does it suit me?
0:39:44 > 0:39:47The guy's a petty thief, but he's also a fashionista.
0:39:47 > 0:39:51You need to look your best. The same guy that's leaving the house
0:39:51 > 0:39:55at the end of the night, holding a microwave.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57I think you'll find I brought this with me.
0:40:02 > 0:40:06And I don't care for the accusations.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10I mean, why would I steal a microwave?
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Have we got any religious people in?
0:40:23 > 0:40:26I don't mean that in a Catholic-Protestant, let's wreck the place... I just mean...
0:40:36 > 0:40:38I don't really know. I'm neither religious nor atheist.
0:40:38 > 0:40:42I don't have a clue. I think you need to make up your own theories.
0:40:42 > 0:40:47At school I would always take religion over science, because science was quite difficult.
0:40:47 > 0:40:53You had to remember stuff and read stuff, whereas religion was a laugh.
0:40:53 > 0:40:59Just some guilt-ridden woman reading from the Bible to a class full of hyperactive adolescents,
0:40:59 > 0:41:04pissing themselves laughing at a cock and balls on the blackboard.
0:41:07 > 0:41:12You grow up thinking there's a God and he created the world, and if you live a good life
0:41:12 > 0:41:15you go to heaven, live a bad life, you go to hell.
0:41:15 > 0:41:19But if there's a God, why is there so much war, corruption and greed in the world?
0:41:19 > 0:41:21You need to make up your own theories.
0:41:21 > 0:41:25I've combined a bit of religion and a bit of atheism,
0:41:25 > 0:41:30and came to the conclusion that maybe God created the world, but then he pissed off.
0:41:30 > 0:41:34He's God - he's going to have more than one property.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Maybe he's left us an empty, in the world.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51And that's why there's war, corruption and greed -
0:41:51 > 0:41:54because all good house parties get a bit out of hand.
0:41:54 > 0:41:58Maybe God will come back one day and go, "Look at the state of this place."
0:41:58 > 0:42:02You'd have people like Robert Mugabe and George Bush heading for the exit.
0:42:02 > 0:42:05We never thought he was coming back. Did you see his face?
0:42:05 > 0:42:07He's raging. Did you see his face?!
0:42:11 > 0:42:14The Pope's sitting there. The Pope knows he's getting grounded.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20I'll speak to you in a minute, Pope.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25Ladies and gentlemen, thanks a lot for listening to me.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28Have a great week. Good night. God bless. Thank you.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34Absolutely fantastic.
0:42:34 > 0:42:38Kevin Bridges! Wonderful!
0:42:42 > 0:42:44Kevin's obviously had an amazing year.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47He did the show last year, and he said that somebody
0:42:47 > 0:42:55came up to him the following week in Glasgow and said, "Eh, I saw you on that McIntyre Investigates show."
0:42:58 > 0:43:02Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for everyone we've seen tonight.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04We had Milton Jones, ladies and gentlemen!
0:43:07 > 0:43:09New boy, Daniel Sloss!
0:43:09 > 0:43:11We love Daniel Sloss!
0:43:11 > 0:43:15The absolutely fantastic Craig Campbell!
0:43:15 > 0:43:20And of course, our headliner, Kevin Bridges!
0:43:20 > 0:43:23Thank you very much. Good night.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25Bravo! Thank you.
0:43:25 > 0:43:27Thank you, Glasgow.
0:43:27 > 0:43:29Thank you.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:40 > 0:43:43E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk