0:00:22 > 0:00:27Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big Sunderland welcome
0:00:27 > 0:00:30to Michael McIntyre!
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello, hello.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42And welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Right here, from my favourite city of them all, it's Sunderland!
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I like this big pit here. I don't know if you have noticed,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03there is a 12-foot drop to your death here.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06This is obviously designed with Geordies in mind.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12"Here comes a couple of Geordies, turn the lights off and tell them they are in row A."
0:01:12 > 0:01:15"All right. Is it over here...argh!"
0:01:15 > 0:01:17LAUGHTER
0:01:18 > 0:01:21It's nice to be in Sunderland.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I've stayed here a couple of days.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I went on the tourism website.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Where they describe your city centre.
0:01:28 > 0:01:34They didn't go for words like vibrant or exciting, they plumped for "improving" city centre.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40And I have to say I like it. I think it is a great place to be if you are eating fish
0:01:40 > 0:01:47and chips, have a bet to put on, and are in a mobility scooter. I think it's quite fun.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:49 > 0:01:52"Have yous got another chip for me, all right?
0:01:52 > 0:01:56"Did you hear about the Geordie who fell down in the theatre?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01"Got one! High-five, come on."
0:02:02 > 0:02:052010, ladies and gentlemen - technology is
0:02:05 > 0:02:08taking over, some of it is good, some of it is not so helpful.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I particularly like Google Earth, it is amazing.
0:02:11 > 0:02:18They photographed every road in the whole world and they have put them on Google Earth, on the computer.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21You just type it in, and you go there. You drag the little man
0:02:21 > 0:02:25over the map and you drop him into the road and then you are there.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28You can see it. It is really amazing technology.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31And you sit in front of the computer and think, I can go anywhere, anywhere in the world.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Where shall I go? And we all come to the same conclusion - my house.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39APPLAUSE & LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Even though you are in your house,
0:02:41 > 0:02:47and it would be far easier just to get up, walk outside of your house
0:02:47 > 0:02:49and look at your house,
0:02:49 > 0:02:55a live 3D image of your own building. But no, you're so excited.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57First you don't land exactly on your house. Where is it?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59You have to move around.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02There it is, that is our house on Google Earth!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04"Darling, come and look.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07"Leave the kids, they are fine in the bath, come and look.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11"That's our house. Ooh, it's our car on Google Earth!"
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Some technology, I think, no help whatsoever.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24Loos, modern public loos, I don't think they needed any updating. I think we were fine with the process.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27You go in, if you need to turn the lights on, you turn the light on.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Now they have this automatic motion sensor lighting.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32You come on and the light comes on. Just when you're moving.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Which is fun at the beginning, but then when you're on the loo, the light goes off.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39You have to reactivate the light. So you start moving.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Washing your hands. I didn't think this was dramatic.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56There was no issues there. Turn the tap on, and the water flows.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Once you have had enough water, you turn the tap off, that was fine.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02They didn't trust you with that, so they had the push one,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04where you push it and it gives you an allocation of water.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08"This is the amount of water we feel is enough for you to be washing your hands.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"But if you need more, you are quite within your rights to push again."
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Now people have literally no idea how to access water from modern taps.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19You have lines of people doing tai chi trying to work it out.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:27 > 0:04:30"Do you know?"
0:04:32 > 0:04:36"You any idea? Ooh-agh! Ai-yah!"
0:04:40 > 0:04:45Washing your hands was fine. Take a paper towel, dry your hands with a paper towel, throw in the bin.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48No problem at all. Or use the blower.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51The rubbish blower. "Ooh. Ooh."
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Like a baby breathing on you. "Ooh. Ooh."
0:04:55 > 0:04:58You can see the water droplets slowly making their way down.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01"I could be here for months." "Ooh."
0:05:01 > 0:05:05You can even turn it around to do your face. "Brrr!"
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Why do you need to dry your face?
0:05:07 > 0:05:13Who is doing such a big shit they need to dry their face? "Brrr!" "Massive, huge shit."
0:05:13 > 0:05:16"Brrr!"
0:05:16 > 0:05:22Now we have the Dyson airblade, possibly the creepiest device I have seen in my entire life.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25You come out of the loo and there is some bloke going...
0:05:25 > 0:05:27APPLAUSE
0:05:36 > 0:05:41I know it has been a difficult time for the north-east in the last few months.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45There was the Raoul Moat situation.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I know that was very difficult
0:05:47 > 0:05:52and terrifying. It was frightening, this steroid-filled gunman hiding in the woods.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55It was not a nice time for anyone, let alone people in the area.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58And it was not funny, I'd just like to say that. Obviously, I am a comedian,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I look to the news for comedy, and in this instance, nothing was funny.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06There was nothing funny at all. They caught him and they surrounded him with marksmen, and I was
0:06:06 > 0:06:09thinking, "This is just a horrible situation.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11"Certainly, no comedy here."
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Then Paul Gascoigne showed up.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:19 > 0:06:25"Put the remote control down, darling, this could be funny."
0:06:25 > 0:06:28It came across the screen on Sky News.
0:06:28 > 0:06:35"Paul Gascoigne has just shown up with a fishing rod and sandwiches for Raoul."
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Apparently, he used to know Raoul back in the day in Newcastle city centre.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43"He was a nice guy then. Something must have happened to Raoul."
0:06:44 > 0:06:46You can only imagine the police reaction.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48They are surrounding him. "Psst. Captain."
0:06:48 > 0:06:52"What is it, don't interrupt me. I have got Raoul in my crosshairs."
0:06:52 > 0:06:56"It is Paul Gascoigne. Gazza." "Gazza?!"
0:06:56 > 0:06:58"He's got a fishing rod and sandwiches for Raoul."
0:06:58 > 0:07:01"You're joking! Tell him to get lost."
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I thought it might open the floodgates for a spate of
0:07:04 > 0:07:10north-eastern celebrities to show up with food and activities for Raoul.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Ten minutes later. "Psst, captain." "What is it now?"
0:07:12 > 0:07:16"It's Peter Beardsley." "No way!"
0:07:16 > 0:07:20"He's got some minestrone soup and playing cards for Raoul."
0:07:20 > 0:07:24"Tell him to go away. Send him down the road with Gazza, I'm busy.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27"Don't interrupt me again."
0:07:27 > 0:07:30"Psst." "What is it now?" "It's Cheryl Cole."
0:07:30 > 0:07:32"No? Cheryl, here?"
0:07:32 > 0:07:36"She's got a salad nicoise and Swingball for Raoul."
0:07:36 > 0:07:39"You have got be out of your mind. Tell her to get lost and don't
0:07:39 > 0:07:42"interrupt me again, unless it's Jimmy Nail. I love Jimmy Nail.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45"Crocodile Shoes was my favourite."
0:07:45 > 0:07:47"Psst." "Is it Jimmy? Is Jimmy here?"
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"No, it's Ant and Dec."
0:07:49 > 0:07:54"Ant and Dec?!" "They've got some home-made ratatouille and Yahtzee for Raoul.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58"And a Taser."
0:07:58 > 0:08:02"A Taser?! That could come in pretty handy. A Taser?!"
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"Tizer? Piss off!"
0:08:11 > 0:08:15All right, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce my first guest. Are you ready for that?
0:08:15 > 0:08:16AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:08:16 > 0:08:19It is a genuine privilege and pleasure to have him.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22He is one of my favourites, and soon you're going to find out why.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Please welcome on stage, the wondrous Mr Jimeoin is here.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30WURLITZER STYLE ORGAN MUSIC
0:08:37 > 0:08:39WHOOPING
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Right, hello.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Most of the things I will be talking about tonight will involve having my eyebrows up.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53LAUGHTER
0:08:57 > 0:09:03It's not to say that I don't put them down from time to time. But most of the time they are up.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08APPLAUSE
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Probably should not have mentioned it at the start because what happens
0:09:14 > 0:09:20is people just end up looking at your eyebrows and nobody listens to what you're saying.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Just watching these two little bits of fur move up and down.
0:09:27 > 0:09:34But it is important to know where your eyebrows are when you're talking.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Always have your eyebrows up when you're asking someone where the toilets are.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41"Do you know where the toilets are?" LAUGHTER
0:09:41 > 0:09:43"Toilets?"
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Don't be going, "Do you know where the toilets are?"
0:09:46 > 0:09:47LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:51APPLAUSE
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Or, "Is that your daughter?"
0:09:59 > 0:10:01LAUGHTER
0:10:01 > 0:10:04"Wow, is it?"
0:10:04 > 0:10:05"Is that your daughter?"
0:10:05 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:11 > 0:10:13"Do you know where the toilets are?"
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Checking things in your pockets, that is always eyebrows down, isn't it?
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Don't be doing that.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32LAUGHTER
0:10:35 > 0:10:41People will be telling you where the toilets are. "Over there, get away from my daughter."
0:10:45 > 0:10:51So, anyway, I do like to move around stage just a little bit.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Just trying to find the funniest part of the stage.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:03APPLAUSE
0:11:09 > 0:11:11LAUGHTER
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Thank you.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23If you were to look at your life and you were to say, "What was the best bit?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25"What was the bit where I had the most fun, the most joy?"
0:11:25 > 0:11:28That would have to be falling in love.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33I was on a train recently, there was a young couple on the train, obviously very much in love.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36And they laughed for the whole journey.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37It was really annoying.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43When you look at somebody and think, "Nothing's that funny."
0:11:43 > 0:11:51Because once you settle into relationships, you don't laugh as much to be honest.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Normally them hurting themselves is the big joke, isn't it?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59"You all right?"
0:12:01 > 0:12:05You have to do one "Are you all right?", before you piss yourself, and that is the hardest one.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10"You all right? I'll just get the bandages!"
0:12:17 > 0:12:19That's all from me. My name's Jimeoin. Thank you very much.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Goodnight. Thank you.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Wonderful. Jimeoin, ladies and gentlemen!
0:12:29 > 0:12:33We love Jimeoin. Brilliant. Very good.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my second guest on my Comedy Roadshow?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:42 > 0:12:47I'm very excited about my next guest. He's a brand-new comic, and I think he's going to be a big star.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Please give all your love to the fantastic Mr Imran Yusuf.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Good evening!
0:13:02 > 0:13:03AUDIENCE: Good Evening!
0:13:03 > 0:13:07My name's Imran Yusuf. I've just come back from doing some gigs in America.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Give me a cheer if you've been to the USA!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11CHEERING
0:13:11 > 0:13:16Fantastic country. Loads of fun to travel to, especially when you look like me.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18LAUGHTER
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Oh yeah, I'm playing that card tonight, bruv.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Right, I flew out to New York, OK?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I flew from Heathrow airport.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32It's in London, geezer, all right?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36And I flew out with Air India. Mmm?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Air India.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41You already know this is going to be hilarious, innit?
0:13:44 > 0:13:48I'm on this Air India flight, OK? I looked around, it's full of Indian people.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53But I look around, and I see only one white guy on the entire plane.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Do you know him? This plane...
0:13:56 > 0:13:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:03 > 0:14:06This plane is full of brown faces.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09But there's still only one white guy on the entire plane.
0:14:09 > 0:14:14As we entered North American airspace, I thought to myself,
0:14:14 > 0:14:18"Boy, so much for that undercover Air Marshal!"
0:14:21 > 0:14:25That's a rubbish disguise, man, you ain't fooling anybody. "Hey, Abdullah, who d'you think it is?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28"I think it might be Jack Bauer, over there."
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Crazy, man. But I love Americans, man. I love American people.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I have a profound knowledge and understanding of the Americans.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41And that's because I actually went to school in America.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Completely illegally, but I did go.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49When I started school, those American kids started picking on me, yeah?
0:14:49 > 0:14:53I was getting picked on for being English.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02This is a form of prejudice I had not experienced before.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07APPLAUSE
0:15:11 > 0:15:14This is what the American kids used to say to me. I'm not making this up, absolutely true.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Every day in school, they used to come up to me and go, "Hey, hey, go home.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21"It's time for tea, you stupid English muffin!"
0:15:23 > 0:15:25"English muffin".
0:15:25 > 0:15:28You all get upset when religious zealots call you infidels.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31You don't know what racism is until someone's called you a muffin!
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I'm crazy, man. Jokes every minute, man.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42I saw lots of lovely ladies coming in tonight, man.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I like older women, man. That's my flavour, you get me, hmm?
0:15:45 > 0:15:46I prefer the older woman.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48But see, it got me into a bit of trouble once, right?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51The last chick I dated, yeah, she was old, yeah?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53She was ancient.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56She was a proper dinosaur.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I remember when I first went to meet her, I said, "Good evening, how do you do?" And she went...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01HE SNARLS & GRUNTS
0:16:14 > 0:16:16That was one mental date, man.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17APPLAUSE
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Thank you. Thank you.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27You've been awesome. My name's Imran Yusuf. Peace out. God bless.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Imran Yusuf!
0:16:34 > 0:16:39Come on! Fantastic. Wonderful. That was brilliant.
0:16:39 > 0:16:45He gave you everything, and then he stuck a dinosaur in it!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act of the evening?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:51 > 0:16:55It gives me great pleasure to introduce a man I have admired for many, many years.
0:16:55 > 0:17:01You're going to absolutely love him. Please welcome to the stage the fantastic Mr Simon Evans.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Thank you, thank you very much. A couple of things about myself.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19A few of you are thinking, this is all very well, but where are his eyes?
0:17:19 > 0:17:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I do have eyes,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I can see out. It can appear,
0:17:35 > 0:17:44under stage lighting, that there is no more than a couple of crude knife slits pushed into my face, but no.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Also I should mention my accent.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50My accent may be rather unfamiliar, possibly even rather exotic to some of your ears.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54If you are struggling to place it, it is in fact "educated".
0:17:54 > 0:17:58GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Thank you.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07That's generous of you. I should make it clear, not expensively, this is not a Coalition-style accent,
0:18:07 > 0:18:12I just paid attention, that is all. I was taught to believe that it would be an advantage to speak correctly.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16My father encouraged me to speak with my teeth clenched together,
0:18:16 > 0:18:19like so, as though addressing the crew of a naval frigate.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Or perhaps being buggered in the showers at Harrow, I don't know.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27"Thank you, rector!" I don't know what the idea was, but it doesn't work, anyway.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Nowadays it mainly provokes hostility.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32If you want an accent which actually warms people to you,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35the Geordie, Manc, the north-east accents are far more popular.
0:18:35 > 0:18:4130 years ago, if you had a Geordie accent you were virtually entitled to a disability pension...
0:18:41 > 0:18:42LAUGHTER
0:18:42 > 0:18:46It was considered so detrimental to your prospects in life.
0:18:46 > 0:18:52And if you weren't entitled you'd probably claim anyway. That's another matter.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Nowadays it's all changed.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57APPLAUSE
0:18:57 > 0:18:58I just resent the way I get treated.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00In Sunderland I've had the warmest reception.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I did some gigs in Newcastle - the way they reacted,
0:19:03 > 0:19:07you'd think I closed their flaming shipyards myself, which is a bit much.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10It was 30 years ago, I was a boy at the time.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14The family made a few quid out of the deal but it's not my fault.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I said to them, as I said to you, educated accent, you may not be familiar with it.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22They were fine about that, at first.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Then one of them got it, passed it round, things turned a bit ugly.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Or so I hear, I was halfway home by then.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32But I went back the following night, they'd trashed the place, apparently.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35It looked exactly the same to me, I have to say.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39There's a limit to how much damage you could do in that venue, rubble is that rubble at the end of the day,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42you can move it about, to express your frustration.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46It's more Feng Shui than vandalism, but that wasn't their fault.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50I abhor what was done in the North East under Thatcher's regime, it was a terrible thing.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52She dismantled the North East economy out of spite.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56It was working fine for generations on a very simple basis, namely this -
0:19:56 > 0:20:01you get a harness on a northerner, you can get a lot of work done. Now that is a fact.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04You know it. You're hardy beasts, you endure extremes of temperature
0:20:04 > 0:20:07with very little adjustment in your clothing.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13First time I came up here it was the middle of winter, has been for years.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19A freezing wind blowing in off the North Sea full of sleet and bits of old boat.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24The thing that struck me...
0:20:24 > 0:20:27was a rivet, as it turned out.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I learned to duck.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39The thing that struck me, seriously, the women were walking around in their underwear.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43What I'd taken to be a sort of pink and purple mottled shell suit affair
0:20:43 > 0:20:45was in fact the flesh...
0:20:45 > 0:20:48LAUGHTER
0:20:48 > 0:20:50..Of these women, such as they are. Now,
0:20:50 > 0:20:54I enjoy a wind-stiffened nipple as much as the next man.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56I might even count myself a connoisseur.
0:20:56 > 0:21:02Al dente, that would be my preference, the firm but not brittle nipple, that's what you want.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05With a bit of give, but still with a sense of purpose.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Enough to hang your hat on, but not your umbrella.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I used to write pornography for a living.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17It wasn't terribly erotic, but it was detailed, I like to think.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22All I'm saying, I think once your cleavage has gone the colour of Stilton it's time to dress up a bit.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I was in a bar, I heard a women say to her friend,
0:21:25 > 0:21:30"Don't wear your bra in here, you won't feel the benefit when you go out".
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I hardly dared look, but I forced myself.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38That is an image that will stay with me for some time.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Thanks to my new camera phone.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Thank you very much, good night. Cheers, take care.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55Simon Evans, ladies and gentlemen. Bravo! We love Simon Evans.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for our headline act?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:07 > 0:22:11What an absolute treat we have for you tonight.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16We have a girl, she was on my show last year, she has gone on to achieve wonderful, wonderful things.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21She's a local lass done well, all your love please for the wonderful Sarah Millican!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Hello.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39AUDIENCE: Hello!
0:22:39 > 0:22:40It's lovely to be here.
0:22:40 > 0:22:45I'm a bit of a chatterbox, so I'll have to rein it in a bit tonight.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49The only thing I was criticised for at school was talking too much.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54I mean by the teachers, I was criticised by the kids for loads of things.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55I was something of a nerd.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58It's really hard to believe, isn't it?
0:22:58 > 0:23:03Totally didn't have sex till I was 22, shut up!
0:23:03 > 0:23:08It's quite cool that the thing I was criticised for is now my job. That's quite cool, isn't it?
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Take that, teachers.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15I just hope the same fate didn't befall the school bike.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22She might be in.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I was going to say I'm highly strung, but I don't think I am.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I get agitated very easily. A WOMAN LAUGHS
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Thanks. Not technically a joke.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Bitch.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39LAUGHTER
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I'll give you an example of when I got agitated recently.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52I was in a hotel room on my own and I got trapped in my bra.
0:23:52 > 0:23:58I can see the women are looking at me, "Tell me how it happened so it doesn't happen to me."
0:23:58 > 0:24:01The men are just happy I'm talking about bras, aren't you?
0:24:01 > 0:24:05I was in a hotel room, fastening my bra.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Nice lady at the front there, tell me, when you fasten your bra,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11are you a back fastener or are you front and swizzle?
0:24:11 > 0:24:16Front and swizzle. The rest of you are freaks.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19If I could fasten it like that, I'd be in a bloody circus.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24I mean, I'd just be fastening bras, I don't have any other circus skills.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30I asked a lady the other day, "Are you a back fastener or a front and swizzle?"
0:24:30 > 0:24:32She went, "Neither, I do the third one."
0:24:32 > 0:24:35There is no third one!
0:24:35 > 0:24:40I said, "Tell me what the third one is." She said, "Just fasten it and put it on like a jumper."
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I said, "I'm guessing you're not wearing the right-size bra, pet."
0:24:50 > 0:24:54But it occurred to me there must be a fourth option as well, where you fasten it and just step in it.
0:24:54 > 0:24:59Mine would get to about there and get stuck.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03I fastened my bra at the front, I start swizzling. Just got out the bath, so I was a little bit claggy.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08It's nice to be in a room where people know what the word claggy means.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11LAUGHTER
0:25:11 > 0:25:14APPLAUSE I usually have to tell people to look it up on Google!
0:25:17 > 0:25:23So, it got stuck about here. One of the underwires got trapped underneath as well.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27There weren't any boobs in it, it wasn't functioning at all as a bra.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31And the thought that crossed my mind was...
0:25:31 > 0:25:34"I wonder if the fire brigade do this?"
0:25:35 > 0:25:38"Did you say you were trapped in your car, madam?"
0:25:38 > 0:25:41"Sounds the same."
0:25:41 > 0:25:44"Better bring your wire-cutters, pet."
0:25:46 > 0:25:50It does sound, as well, like the worst ever episode of Final Destination, doesn't it?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52"How did she die?" "From shame."
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I've got a new nickname. I've never had a nickname before.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I've been called things, but that's different.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06My nickname is the Cake Pigeon.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Because whenever I walk past a cake shop...
0:26:09 > 0:26:11SHE LAUGHS Walk past(!)
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Whenever I press meself up against a cake shop...
0:26:17 > 0:26:19I go, "Oooh..."
0:26:28 > 0:26:31But because I sometimes talk about cakes and puddings onstage,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34occasionally, people bring cakes and puddings to gigs for me.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Which might sound like a nice thing, but it can be a little bit weird.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Cos it is still essentially cake from a stranger.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44A man came out to my gig in London and he said,
0:26:44 > 0:26:47"I've got you some cake." And I thought, "Oh, no."
0:26:47 > 0:26:50And he handed me a carrier bag with a slice of unwrapped cake in the bottom.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54It's already wrong, that, isn't it?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56But I wanted to be polite, cos he'd done it out of sweetness.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I said, "That looks lovely, pet, thank you very much. Is it carrot cake?"
0:26:59 > 0:27:01He went, "It's passion cake."
0:27:04 > 0:27:08I think I know cake and I don't think passion cake exists.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I think it's carrot cake plus rohypnol equals passion cake.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21I mean, I still ate it.
0:27:21 > 0:27:26As far as I'm concerned, if you are worried something's got rohypnol, you just eat it at home, don't you?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Because then you get a lovely night's sleep as well.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32And you can't remember, so you don't even feel guilty the next day.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36I've started buying women's magazines.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40I bought one cos on the front cover it said some female celebrities had put weight on
0:27:40 > 0:27:44and they were now curvaceous. I thought, "Good, we'll see just how curvaceous they are."
0:27:44 > 0:27:49I flicked through and the fattest woman in there, it said she had ballooned...
0:27:49 > 0:27:53I repeat, she had BALLOONED...
0:27:53 > 0:27:56to a size 12.
0:27:56 > 0:28:01I'd give my right arm to be a size 12!
0:28:01 > 0:28:05My right arm might be a size 12.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12You've been amazing. I've been Sarah Millican. Thank you very much. Goodnight.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Sarah Millican, ladies and gentlemen. Bravo!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Absolutely wonderful!
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Let's have a round of applause for everybody we've seen tonight.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29The wonderful Simon Evans was here!
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Star in the making, Imran Yusuf!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35APPLAUSE
0:28:35 > 0:28:37The absolutely glorious Jimeoin!
0:28:37 > 0:28:39APPLAUSE
0:28:39 > 0:28:45And the wonderful Sarah Millican, ladies and gentlemen.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Thank you very much. Goodnight, bravo, thank you.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Thank you!
0:28:50 > 0:28:53MUSIC: "Burn Baby Burn" by Ash
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:30:55 > 0:30:58E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk