0:00:23 > 0:00:27Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big Blackpool welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Michael McIntyre!
0:00:30 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Show time! Good evening.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Hello!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Hello! You all right?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Very good!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Hello, hello, welcome.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44How wonderful.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50CHEERING
0:00:50 > 0:00:55Oh, yes, right here, in my favourite seaside of them all,
0:00:55 > 0:00:56it's Blackpool!
0:00:56 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I've enjoyed Blackpool today, I've enjoyed the sights.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05I walked down the, er,
0:01:05 > 0:01:08the promenade, is that right?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Yes. Little bit of a breeze off the sea?
0:01:11 > 0:01:12LAUGHTER
0:01:12 > 0:01:15MIMICS WIND
0:01:15 > 0:01:21I read things like Pleasure Beach, Fun Land, Happy Days.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23"Pleasure", "fun", and "happy".
0:01:23 > 0:01:28Not emotions I saw reflected on any of the faces of the people holidaying here.
0:01:30 > 0:01:36I quite like the look, I'm going to move in and join you. Get a tattoo and a Staffordshire bull terrier.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37A buggy.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Smoking.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Fish and chips in one hand.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Tupperware full of 2ps.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I might win more 2ps.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Who wants to win 2p?!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER
0:01:55 > 0:01:59I find 2ps in my house, it's an inconvenience!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01I don't go, "We won, darling, we won!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03"56p!
0:02:03 > 0:02:07"Let's go to Blackpool and we can double our money!" In Tupperware?!
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Tupperware is for day two with couscous, it's not for 2ps!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16MIMICS WIND
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I was watching Lorraine Kelly this morning, they were like,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21"You've got to get that bikini body for your summer holidays."
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I was thinking, not in Blackpool, you don't.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29No, eat your chips otherwise you won't fit into your extra-large fleece.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34I've never seen so much fleece in my entire life.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39I saw a woman sleeping on a bench, she was out in the sea, looking at the sea, in blankets.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41MIMICS WIND
0:02:41 > 0:02:43"You having fun?" "What did you say?"
0:02:43 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER
0:02:47 > 0:02:52What a pleasure it is for me to introduce - we've got some of the Blackpool football team here!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Stand up if you play for Blackpool.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Sea, Seasiders!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Sea, sea, Seasiders!- Very good.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04That's very good.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08This is becoming far too much a celebration of football,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11so let's bring it down a notch and welcome Emile Heskey
0:03:11 > 0:03:12here in the second row.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15CHEERS AND SOME BOOING
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Emile Heskey, Emile Heskey!
0:03:18 > 0:03:23Don't boo! It wasn't the greatest summer, let's be honest.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24I've never seen...
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Well, personally, I've never seen a game quite as bad as the England-Germany game.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Whilst watching it, it reminded me of when you play FIFA PlayStation
0:03:32 > 0:03:35and you don't yet know the controls. That's how...
0:03:35 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER
0:03:36 > 0:03:39When you're like, "What is it? Triangle or square?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42"Which one is it?" You get the ball and just dribble off the side.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45LAUGHTER
0:03:45 > 0:03:48"Oh, no, that's run faster! Why is he running faster?!"
0:03:49 > 0:03:52One-on-one with the keeper and then pass off the side.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54"Oh, no, that's the wrong one."
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- Nowhere near the ball, slide tackle. - LAUGHTER
0:03:58 > 0:04:01But well done. Ladies and gentlemen, Emile Heskey, joining us tonight.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04APPLAUSE
0:04:04 > 0:04:06But let's focus on Blackpool.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Let's focus on Blackpool. Well done.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12It's quite funny actually, cos they told me you'd be in the fourth row,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15and you're actually in the fifth row. And I looked at the fourth row,
0:04:15 > 0:04:19and you don't, if you don't mind, look like footballers.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I said, "We've got the Blackpool..."
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Oh, my God, look at the state, they won't last long in the Premier League!
0:04:25 > 0:04:32Now, of course, one of my favourite people in football, one of the most charismatic, wonderful personalities
0:04:32 > 0:04:36who's on the threshold of mega stardom - Ian Holloway, ladies and gentlemen, your manager.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Come on!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Take a bow, take a bow!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Go on, my son!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:- He got you there, he got you there.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48"I don't mind a bit of acclaim.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52"I don't like this floppy-haired comedian, I think he's gay.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54"I don't trust him one bit.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58"Men don't skip. I'm here for the wife, I'm here for my wife."
0:04:58 > 0:05:03He's looking at me going, "That's pretty much the size of it, my friend, yeah."
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I love the interview on Sky Sports.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Normally managers are quite to the point, like, "Yeah, lads done well,
0:05:10 > 0:05:14"just going to take it one game at a time, we look forward to next season."
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Not Ian Holloway, no. 45-minute interview with Sky Sports.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23"I can't believe we finally got there, we've done it, we pulled together, cos these are real people,
0:05:23 > 0:05:29"these are real people, and now we'll go, we'll take on the Premier League, and we'll get new grass!"
0:05:29 > 0:05:31That's what you said. Yeah, that's the focus.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Don't even call it a pitch. "We'll get grass!
0:05:34 > 0:05:39"I've seen grass in the West Country, we'll bring it up here to the seaside!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43"We'll grow it here especially, it'll be fantastic. And they'll stay real, my players.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45"They won't become millionaires."
0:05:45 > 0:05:49You should've seen your players behind you, "Yes, we will, thank you.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"That's the whole reason we, er, won the game."
0:05:53 > 0:05:58In fact, there are so many repeats of this show, we're going to record another bit
0:05:58 > 0:06:00for when it's repeated next year.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02So, the Blackpool team are here.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Bad luck.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- APPLAUSE AND SOME BOOING - Hey, come on.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12OK, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for my first guest,
0:06:12 > 0:06:16and I'm so pleased to be starting off tonight's show with him.
0:06:16 > 0:06:21Please welcome the wonderful Mr Terry Alderton, ladies and gentlemen. Terry Alderton is here!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24APPLAUSE
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Good evening, good evening, good evening!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Lovely to be here, ladies and gentlemen.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I've been on your seafront, in the arcades.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41I spent £60,000 to win 30,000 tickets.
0:06:41 > 0:06:47I took it to the kiosk to give it the man to give me the prize, and he gave me a balloon.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I went, "I want more than a balloon, my friend."
0:06:51 > 0:06:53"What is he doing?" "Talking about tickets and £60,000."
0:06:53 > 0:06:59"I know. The people sitting in the audience..." "Haven't got a clue what's going on at this point." "No."
0:06:59 > 0:07:00"Some people are completely lost."
0:07:00 > 0:07:03"Some people won't understand what the hell is going on."
0:07:03 > 0:07:07"You can't entertain all the people all the time." "Only some of the people some of the time".
0:07:07 > 0:07:11"That's what mother said." "Mother was right." "Mother was always right."
0:07:11 > 0:07:13So, Blackpool, you see...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15LAUGHTER
0:07:15 > 0:07:18APPLAUSE
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Oh, thank you.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24"They like us."
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Ladies and gentlemen.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Before we start the show tonight,
0:07:27 > 0:07:31I must tell you lovely people of Blackpool that you are in safe hands tonight.
0:07:31 > 0:07:36In fact, you're in the safest hands in the whole wide world.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Yeah!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51"Give me back my kids!"
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Now...
0:07:52 > 0:07:54LAUGHTER
0:07:54 > 0:07:57APPLAUSE
0:08:00 > 0:08:03"Kenny Baker's here." "Yes." "R2-D2."
0:08:03 > 0:08:06"It's been a long time, old man." "Yes.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08"Kenny Baker."
0:08:08 > 0:08:12"You know we're talking about him." "He knows we're talking about him."
0:08:12 > 0:08:13"He must be shitting himself."
0:08:13 > 0:08:15"Do you know where he sits?"
0:08:15 > 0:08:16"Of course we do."
0:08:16 > 0:08:18"Look at him quickly."
0:08:18 > 0:08:20LAUGHTER
0:08:20 > 0:08:23"He's been in Star Wars." "He's seen many monsters."
0:08:23 > 0:08:26"But he hasn't seen our monster." "During the rest of the show..."
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"Or by the end..." "You must do the monster." "Yes, you must."
0:08:29 > 0:08:30"Just get on with the show."
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Now...
0:08:31 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER
0:08:33 > 0:08:35APPLAUSE
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"Boxing Day's not like Christmas Day, though, is it?!"
0:08:38 > 0:08:40LAUGHTER
0:08:48 > 0:08:51"Time is up." "Michael McIntyre must come back now."
0:08:51 > 0:08:53"Yes. You know what you must do."
0:08:53 > 0:08:55"Kenny's waiting for it." "Yes.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58"He's seen many things." "Yes, Kenny has seen many things."
0:08:58 > 0:09:02"Wookies, that kind of thing." "Yes." "Gamma ring guards, yes."
0:09:02 > 0:09:04"But he hasn't seen our monster."
0:09:04 > 0:09:07"You must be soft in the way that you do it." "But you must do it."
0:09:07 > 0:09:08"Do it now."
0:09:09 > 0:09:13So, ladies and gentlemen, before I go tonight.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14It's been wonderful to be here...
0:09:15 > 0:09:17MONSTER-LIKE GROWLING
0:09:29 > 0:09:30LAUGHTER
0:09:30 > 0:09:33APPLAUSE
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Terry Alderton, ladies and gentlemen! Bravo!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Terry Alderton.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Somebody couldn't make it.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I invited Colin Fry, the medium that's working on the pier.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00He talks to the dead, for those of you who want to know what he does.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Audiences come to see him and then dead people who are with him,
0:10:05 > 0:10:10they communicate through him, cos he's a spiritual medium.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13But what they don't do is tell their full name to the medium.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18You'd think if you were dead and could communicate with the living you'd have a little bit more to say.
0:10:18 > 0:10:24They prefer to play a sort of spiritual charades game, where they just supply Colin with a letter,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27they just give him one letter, and he has to..."I'm getting a C."
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Rather than saying, "I'm getting a Charlie Baker,
0:10:30 > 0:10:34"he needs to talk to his wife Margaret, in the second row. It was murder, he said it was murder."
0:10:34 > 0:10:36None of that, he just gets letters.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Behind him are a series of ghosts who just run up to him and go, "D."
0:10:40 > 0:10:43LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:44"F."
0:10:44 > 0:10:47APPLAUSE
0:10:47 > 0:10:48All right, ladies and gentlemen,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51are you ready for my next guest of the evening?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53CHEERING
0:10:55 > 0:10:58He's a man that I've admired for many, many years.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Give all your love to the wonderful Mr Justin Moorhouse.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Hello!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Hello, Blackpool! CHEERING
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Look at this, this is exciting. I love this. It's all right.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I'm not going to pick on you, don't worry.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25I'm not going to pick on the front row, even though it's very easy tonight, isn't it?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I don't do that. I don't do that. You can get into trouble.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32I did that once before, I was in a place called Burnley.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33AUDIENCE GROANS
0:11:33 > 0:11:38You've heard of it? It's like Blackpool, but it's been dropped on its head.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I walked on stage. There's 300 people there.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I went, "Good evening, Burnley, it's nice to be here."
0:11:42 > 0:11:45And 300 people went, "It isn't.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47"We live here, dickhead. Get on with it."
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I panicked a little bit, so I thought I'd speak to the front row.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53There was a woman sat where you are, sir, nothing like you. She was huge.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55A behemoth. Proper big, tusks.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Prehistoric.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Anyway, she's a big woman. I thought I'd say hello, because I'm friendly.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04I'm from the North, like you. I said, "Hiya, love! What's your name?"
0:12:04 > 0:12:06And she went, "Tony."
0:12:08 > 0:12:14I panicked a little bit, cos it's a bloke's name. It's a bloke's name. I goes, "That's a bloke's name."
0:12:14 > 0:12:17She goes, "No..."
0:12:17 > 0:12:19"No", she goes, "Toni, with an 'i'."
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Toni, with an 'i'. That's when I went,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24"That's Tiny, and you're clearly not, are you, love?"
0:12:29 > 0:12:34Don't clap, please. It gives me flashbacks - as she walked out her buttocks, banging together.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35LAUGHTER
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Stay with me for ever, that will.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44It's nice to be here. Comedians always say, "It's nice to be in Blackpool."
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I kind of like it. It's nice to work this side of the Pennines.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50I'll be honest with you, I don't work around here a lot.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I tend to do a lot of work in Yorkshire.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57There's some in, left over from a trade-union conference in the '80s!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Sat there - "What do we want?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01"Finish our beer, now shut it."
0:13:01 > 0:13:03LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I like Yorkshire... What's your name, fella?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Alan, from Yorkshire?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Where are you from in Yorkshire, Alan?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- York!- York!
0:13:11 > 0:13:13See, straight to the point.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Why give us any more vowels than is necessary?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18LAUGHTER
0:13:18 > 0:13:23You know when you walk around Yorkshire, during Yorkshire things. Thinking about cricket,
0:13:23 > 0:13:26and, "I love dandelion and burdock," and...
0:13:26 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Do you have a imaginary brass band in your head...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34LAUGHTER
0:13:34 > 0:13:37That dictates the pace of Yorkshire life?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40So for instance, "I'm going for t'paper.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43"Yorkshire paper. I'll have no news over t'big hill."
0:13:45 > 0:13:49IMITATES MOURNFUL BRASS BAND
0:14:01 > 0:14:03"I'll have t'paper.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07"Aye, Yorkshire paper.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"I'll drink it with my Yorkshire tea."
0:14:10 > 0:14:13IMITATES MOURNFUL BRASS BAND
0:14:13 > 0:14:14"See thee."
0:14:17 > 0:14:20When you have sex in Yorkshire, Alan, is it Yorkshire sex?
0:14:21 > 0:14:25IMITATES UPTEMPO BRASS BAND
0:14:25 > 0:14:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Proper Yorkshire is Johnny Briggs...
0:14:33 > 0:14:36IMITATES BRASS BAND
0:14:38 > 0:14:42I'm not insinuating, by the way, you've all got a little fella down there!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45APPLAUSE
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy the rest of your show.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Thanks for listening to me. Take care. Good night.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Well done, fantastic.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Justin Moorhouse, ladies and gentlemen!
0:14:58 > 0:15:02We love Justin Moorhouse!
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Ah, ladies and gentlemen, if I haven't spotted Roy Walker, row two.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Roy Walker!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Say what you see!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13We love Roy Walker!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16You all right, Roy?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19You're looking quite, erm, suntanned.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24It was my 70th birthday on Sunday and we had a wee party.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28It was your 70th birthday on Sunday and you've been partying? Congratulations!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31APPLAUSE
0:15:31 > 0:15:3570 is the kind of age where you can start telling people your age.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39People like to tell people their age at the beginning and the end. I'm 60... I'm 70!
0:15:39 > 0:15:40I'm going to be 80!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I'm 84...
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Everything in the middle, they throw the question back at you. "How old are you?"
0:15:46 > 0:15:48"How old do you think I am?"
0:15:48 > 0:15:52And they contort themselves to look as young as possible at the moment of questioning.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54"How old do you think I am?"
0:15:54 > 0:15:56LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:16:01So, congratulations. 70, that's one of the big ones, isn't it?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05The big ones, what are the big ones? One, one is big.
0:16:05 > 0:16:0710, double figures.
0:16:07 > 0:16:0916. Anybody 16?
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Oh, yeah. 16 is exciting, because you can play the Lottery,
0:16:13 > 0:16:17and you can have sex at 16. And at 18, you can drink.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19This is the wrong way round, isn't it? It's odd.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23They deem sex more acceptable than drinking. It doesn't make sense!
0:16:23 > 0:16:25"Would you like to go out for a drink?"
0:16:25 > 0:16:27"I don't think I'm ready for a drink."
0:16:27 > 0:16:31"Would you like to have sex with me?" "Yes, sex, of course. Full sex.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34"In two years, we could have a drink together, maybe."
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Roy, does it annoy you every time people chat to you,
0:16:38 > 0:16:40they want to say your catchphrase?
0:16:40 > 0:16:45You were on a show called Catchphrase and ended up having the biggest catchphrase of all.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- Does it annoy you?- No, not at all. - OK. Then I'll have to do it.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50"Say what you see." That's pretty much... "Say what you see.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- "Say what you see."- Don't tempt me!
0:16:52 > 0:16:55You should go to Colin Fry's show.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57That's what you should do.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Colin Fry would go, "I'm getting a B."
0:16:59 > 0:17:02You'd go, "It's good, but it's not right." You could do that!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Poor Fry, couldn't even make it.
0:17:07 > 0:17:12Anyway... OK, listen, I'm going to bring on the next act. I think you're going to love him.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I love him, I can't wait to watch him tonight.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19It's a pleasure and we're lucky to have him. Please welcome, the wonderful Miles Jupp is here!
0:17:19 > 0:17:23MUSIC: "Tommy Gun" by the Clash
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Hello.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Gosh, good evening. Good evening, Blackpool.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33AUDIENCE: Good evening!
0:17:33 > 0:17:38Anyway, my name is Miles Jupp, and I'm privileged, not just to be here, but in general.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41LAUGHTER
0:17:42 > 0:17:45A lot of people hear the way I speak and assume that I'm homosexual.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Don't know what the logic is there.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I don't know if they think I've had to learn to enunciate clearly
0:17:49 > 0:17:51with a mouthful of other gentlemen.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59The reason I speak like this is because this is the way my parents speak.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02That's the way it works. You tend to inherit the accent of your forebears,
0:18:02 > 0:18:06which is why a lot of working-class people seem to be incoherent.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09You know, because their parents were drunks.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I am joking, obviously, when I talk about the working classes.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I must be - I haven't met one.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Absolutely no idea. Statistically, some of them must be smashing.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34It may surprise you to hear, that I encounter quite a lot of street aggression.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I can't imagine what it might be about.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I was in Hull recently, on my way back from a show, I got mugged by a young man.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41He attacked me with a knife.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46Don't know why he thought a knife was necessary, his accent was bloody terrifying!
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Incredibly awkward, when you're involved in a confrontation of this sort.
0:18:51 > 0:18:56You spend the whole time going, "I'm terribly sorry, young man, I'm really can't understand a word.
0:18:56 > 0:19:01"I really don't understand a word. I hope it's not directions, I'm simply not from round here.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04"What's that? Mm? Oh, come on, you funny little fellow - project!"
0:19:06 > 0:19:09"Use the diaphragm. There we are."
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Turned out he was saying, "Give me your money."
0:19:12 > 0:19:14I said, "What, all of it?"
0:19:15 > 0:19:18"Most of it's tied up in land."
0:19:24 > 0:19:27"The paperwork's going to be an absolute nightmare."
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Ended up writing him a cheque.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39It's a difficult time, isn't it, for people?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42People are very touchy about things, aren't they?
0:19:42 > 0:19:47There's a recession on, isn't there, which must be terrible for the people involved?
0:19:48 > 0:19:52It's a very strange business, the recession. As soon as it happened, people were desperate
0:19:52 > 0:19:54to blame someone. People said, "It's the fault of the bankers."
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I don't know if that's the case, or if that's how it works.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01If anyone is to blame for the recession that we're experiencing in the UK, it was the news
0:20:01 > 0:20:05telling us that there was going to be a recession and us all just obediently going along with it.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Kind of a desperate desire not to embarrass the BBC, or something.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I remember very clearly about nine months ago,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14the news reader suddenly going, "Everybody's panicking!"
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I thought, "Are they?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19"I seem to be having a bit of toast in my pyjamas."
0:20:25 > 0:20:27"Gosh, how serious is this?"
0:20:29 > 0:20:31"Will I need slippers?"
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Blackpool, it's been an absolute pleasure to speak to you.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40God bless. Good night. Thank you.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Well done. Brilliant. Miles Jupp, ladies and gentlemen!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48We love Miles Jupp!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Wondrous!
0:20:52 > 0:20:56If I'm honest with you, it's my first time in Blackpool. I didn't know anything about it.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I met a bloke a couple of weeks ago, he was from Blackpool.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I thought, "This is an opportunity to get to know what goes on there."
0:21:02 > 0:21:03So I said, "What's it like in Blackpool?"
0:21:03 > 0:21:05He said, "There's a lot of hen-dos."
0:21:05 > 0:21:09I thought he said "Hindus" and it led to a very awkward conversation.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I was like, "Is that some kind of a problem?"
0:21:11 > 0:21:15He said, "Too right it is, they're pissed, they're lying all over the streets,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17"throwing up, getting their arses out."
0:21:17 > 0:21:19"Are you being quite serious?" "I am. I mean, you know,
0:21:19 > 0:21:23"they're up for it, but I wouldn't sleep with anyone, they're disgusting!"
0:21:23 > 0:21:28"You are the most racist man I've ever met!" "What are you on about?"
0:21:28 > 0:21:29APPLAUSE
0:21:32 > 0:21:37Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to that time of the evening when we welcome our headline act!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:40 > 0:21:45And I can't tell you how thrilled I am that he's here.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50Because last year, we had the first series of my show, my Comedy Roadshow,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53and he came on as one of the acts and he was absolutely sensational.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Ever since then, he's gone on and on to wonderful things.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59He's playing massive arenas. He's absolutely hysterical.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03I always knew he was and I'm so glad that so many other people have got to see that.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06The bottom line is, I'm responsible entirely for his success.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome without doubt
0:22:09 > 0:22:13one of the greatest stand-up comedians in this country today - Mr John Bishop!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Hello!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Hello.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30How are you, Blackpool?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33CHEERING
0:22:34 > 0:22:37The Las Vegas of the North!
0:22:37 > 0:22:40You are our Mecca.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43You are the place that we gravitated to
0:22:43 > 0:22:46and the opportunity to come back here, I couldn't miss,
0:22:46 > 0:22:51because I had my stag-do here.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Oh, yes.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59I left Blackpool, like every happy stag,
0:22:59 > 0:23:04with a rash it took me six months to get rid of.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I had to say to my missus, "Oh, I don't know what it is.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10"It must have been the sand in my shorts,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13"when we were on the beach, eating pies."
0:23:13 > 0:23:16And stag-dos have always been the same. Hen-dos are different.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I know you have hen-dos here and hen-dos are different.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Because hen-dos, they're like a community thing.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27The hen's sort of looked after, and all her mates look after the hen.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30And they all go, "We're looking after her, we're going to look after her."
0:23:30 > 0:23:37And it ends up that you look after her, because four of you end up in the toilet, crying together.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Going, "Sally, but I love him."
0:23:40 > 0:23:46And that's what happens. But on a stag-do, a stag-do's a bit like the Magnificent Seven - backwards.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50You look at it and think, "We're not all going to make this, are we?"
0:23:52 > 0:23:55And they've changed. I did a gig recently,
0:23:55 > 0:24:01I did a gig about a year ago at the Comedy Store in Manchester.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02And this is how hen-dos have changed.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06I was there, and there was a girl on her hen-do, it was normal stuff.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09She was dressed up like a fairy.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Well, somewhere between a fairy and a slut.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17But you know what they're like.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20She's there, the wings, the L plates and all that stuff.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25And I was there and I said, "Oh, there's a hen party in." They said, "Yeah, and what happens now?"
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Which is obviously a change, because this doesn't happen in stag-dos.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32The hens all get together and they buy the hen a present.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34I said, "Who's getting married?" She said, "Alison.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37"We've all got Alison a present." I thought, "That's very nice.
0:24:37 > 0:24:45"They've all got Alison a present. Maybe they've chipped in and got her some plates. Or sets of towels."
0:24:45 > 0:24:50But then they proceeded to throw the present on the stage.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53It buzzed.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Would any of the ladies like to guess what the present was?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- AUDIENCE:- A Rabbit!
0:25:03 > 0:25:08It was a Rabbit. For the BBC audience, I don't mean a furry one.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15It landed on the stage. I've got to be honest with you, we don't have them in our house.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26So I had no idea what it was!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I'm looking at the thing on the stage. I picked this thing up.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34For a start, this is a replacement for the male appendage.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37This is a replacement willy.
0:25:37 > 0:25:42And what's obviously happened, is they've got a focus group of women, and they've sat all the women round
0:25:42 > 0:25:47and they've said, "Right, girls, we're going to make a replacement for the male willy."
0:25:47 > 0:25:51"What's wrong with the male willy?"
0:25:51 > 0:25:54And the first answer must have been the colour.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02"We don't want it looking the same colour as him.
0:26:02 > 0:26:07"It would be handy if it's a nice colour, like purple."
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Purple!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12That's like having sex with Tinky Winky! That's wrong!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I picked this thing up, this, this...
0:26:21 > 0:26:22this machine.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I picked it up...
0:26:24 > 0:26:29I picked it up and it's got two controls on it,
0:26:29 > 0:26:33and I'm stood on the stage going, "What's all this about?"
0:26:33 > 0:26:36And I pressed one control
0:26:36 > 0:26:39and the willy bit...
0:26:39 > 0:26:41did that.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I've got to be honest with you, ladies and gentlemen,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52I've not asked all my mates, but...
0:26:56 > 0:26:59..I don't know anyone who can do that!
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Didn't God know that that would be a handy thing for us to do?
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Who decided that that's useful? It does that!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13And then there's another bit...
0:27:14 > 0:27:17..I don't need to be too graphic...
0:27:19 > 0:27:23I assume this is where the Rabbit name comes from -
0:27:23 > 0:27:25little ears.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Little ears, like a little rabbit going, "Hello".
0:27:28 > 0:27:30That does this!
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I mean, what's that all about?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37At three different speeds, it does that.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41How are we ever going to be able to do that?
0:27:41 > 0:27:45How is a man ever going to be able to compete with that?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Unless you gel your pubes and get a little...
0:27:48 > 0:27:51little bits of cotton ball tied to your eyebrows, like that.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Ladies and gentlemen, thanks a lot for coming out.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Thanks for listening. Good night and God bless.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Thank you.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Brilliant. Well done. Thank you so much. Brilliant.
0:28:15 > 0:28:21John Bishop, ladies and gentlemen! Fantastic. Come on!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23John Bishop!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Fantastic. Wonderful. What a treat.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30One more time, please give it up for all my guests tonight.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34Fantastic. Terry Alderton was here!
0:28:34 > 0:28:40Justin Moorhouse was here, ladies and gentlemen, Justin Moorhouse!
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Miles Jupp, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:42 > 0:28:47And the truly wonderful John Bishop!
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Thank you very much! Good night! Thank you. Thank you for coming.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Thank you.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd