0:00:23 > 0:00:26Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:26 > 0:00:30please give a big Dublin welcome to Michael McIntyre!
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Hello.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening and welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Right here from my favourite city of them all...
0:00:49 > 0:00:51it's Dublin!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I arrived a couple of days ago, they've got these
0:01:02 > 0:01:06iris recognition scanners now in the airport for your eyes.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09There was an Irishman working on it, he said,
0:01:09 > 0:01:13"Would you like to step forward into the Irish Recognition Scanner?"
0:01:13 > 0:01:16You have scanners for recognising Irish people?
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Do you not use the normal passport system?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22You've been losing your passports?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I'm Irish, scan me.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28There's green blood pumping through these veins.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34And I've been getting into some of your terminologies.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38I was coming through immigration, always a tense affair, because you don't know if they'll let you in,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41and this bloke went, "What's the story?"
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I have never heard this expression.
0:01:44 > 0:01:49It totally freaked me out. I was looking at my wife going, "We need a story to get into this country.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52"Have you got any stories?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54"I don't know, anything that's a narrative.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56"Have you got some children's books? We're coming up with something...
0:01:56 > 0:01:58"There were three little pigs... #
0:01:58 > 0:02:04Story! I love that - you shorten it to "Story!"
0:02:05 > 0:02:10In England we just stick to "How are you?" which we normally answer with "How are you?"
0:02:10 > 0:02:13We tend not to even answer the question.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16"How are you? How are you?" We're fine with that, we don't question it.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21It's probably the only question you can answer with exactly the same question and nobody really cares.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23"How are you? How are you?" You can't go, "Can you pass the salt?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26"Can you pass the salt?" That wouldn't make sense.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31So I've hired a car, I've driven around Ireland, which is thrilling
0:02:31 > 0:02:38if not a little bit tense as I'm reminded of how many people have died on every one of your roads.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45It doesn't make you feel better.
0:02:45 > 0:02:51I'm planning my journeys now to get myself statistically the best chance of surviving.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Do you have it on your Irish Sat Navs,
0:02:54 > 0:02:58"Would you like to pass this route or the one you might not die on?"
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Do you think that reading statistics is going to make you drive safer?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08If you didn't have the sign, if there was no sign on the road,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10this is how you would drive down the road.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15With the sign, you drive down it, and I've been there, and you go whooo.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23So, ladies and gentlemen of Dublin, are we having a drink tonight?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26AUDIENCE: Y-E-E-E-ES!
0:03:26 > 0:03:32This is what I love about Dublin, you don't mess around when it comes to your drink.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37There are various clues around the city that you like a drink,
0:03:37 > 0:03:42for example when you're crossing the road you have the green man, who's go, and the red man is stop.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45In England we have this red man, who's like this,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47and you know you mustn't go.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49You copy him, you copy him...
0:03:49 > 0:03:51unless you try and walk across.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56And then that will change to the green man, which means go.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00But in Dublin you have an additional man,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02the orange man in the middle,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04just to make absolutely sure.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08"Are you ready? Are you sure you're ready?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"We're going to be crossing any moment now.
0:04:11 > 0:04:17"We're not going to take you from stationary to go, all right, get ready. GO! GO! GO!"
0:04:17 > 0:04:21I actually came here a month ago and it was kind of weird timing
0:04:21 > 0:04:25because in England we were going through this situation where we had this killer on the loose.
0:04:25 > 0:04:30He was on the loose for a week and he was hiding in the woods and it was a very tense affair.
0:04:30 > 0:04:35The whole of England, all the media, all the police in the country, were focused on this one big story,
0:04:35 > 0:04:40and I came here at exactly the same when Dublin - and I think this explains the differences very well -
0:04:40 > 0:04:45was focused on another story of a missing penguin...
0:04:48 > 0:04:53..which lead to one of the weirdest conversations I've ever had in a taxi.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58I sat in a taxi and the driver went, "So do you think we'll find him?"
0:04:58 > 0:05:00And I was like, "Well they're certainly searching."
0:05:00 > 0:05:03"I know they're all out there, but he's used to the outdoors."
0:05:03 > 0:05:05"Yes, apparently he's a survivalist.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08"Yes, yes, he's a survivalist, poor little fellow."
0:05:08 > 0:05:15"What d'you mean poor little fellow? You know he only tried to murder, he tried to murder his girlfriend."
0:05:15 > 0:05:17"I didn't know that about him."
0:05:19 > 0:05:21"He's on steroids." "You're joking."
0:05:21 > 0:05:23"I haven't read up on the subject.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28"This penguin's a lunatic!"
0:05:28 > 0:05:32What a fantastic story this was.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37So please correct me if I'm wrong, it was a stag night, is that right?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Some people broke into Dublin Zoo
0:05:39 > 0:05:43in the middle of the night in a taxi, the taxi was waiting.
0:05:43 > 0:05:49"Dublin taxi drivers, we've learned not to ask questions."
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"Could you just wait here?" "Are you going to the cashpoint?"
0:05:52 > 0:05:54"Kind of."
0:05:54 > 0:05:58They put the penguin into a carrier bag and then I suppose
0:05:58 > 0:06:02they just couldn't stop laughing and dropped him off on O'Connell Street.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06They found him, didn't they, they found him and they put him back.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08You can imagine all the other penguins when he came back, they must have been...
0:06:10 > 0:06:12"What's the story?!"
0:06:15 > 0:06:19"Oh, it was unbelievable! I was asleep, I was asleep.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22"Shoosh and listen.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27"And the next thing I know I'm in a little bag, a small bag.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30"No, a Lidl - the German shopping centre.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33"And they just dropped me off on the corner of O'Connell Street."
0:06:33 > 0:06:35"Were you scared?"
0:06:35 > 0:06:38"I wasn't scared, there was signs up telling me that 117 humans had died,
0:06:38 > 0:06:42"but nothing about penguins at all."
0:06:45 > 0:06:47"Did you just stay on the corner of the road?"
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"Well, I did because there was a green man and an orange man
0:06:49 > 0:06:52"and a red man, but there was no penguins so I just stayed still."
0:06:57 > 0:07:00All right, ladies and gentleman, I'd like to bring on my first guest of the night.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05You're absolutely going to love this man, please welcome to the stage Mr Keith Farnan, ladies and gentlemen.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Thank you. Hello, Dublin.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Just to clear up one thing straightaway -
0:07:22 > 0:07:26no, I'm not the lovechild of Chuck Norris and the Bee Gees, so get that.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I wasn't in The Hangover either.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43What's nice for me is I travel a lot over to England, I gig a lot
0:07:43 > 0:07:49in England and it's wonderful being an Irish comedian over in England because English women love Irish men.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52We are worshipped over there, we are worshipped.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54And you ask them what do they love about us and every one of them
0:07:54 > 0:07:57will tell you it's the accent, the accent they love, the accent.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00They never say the body, by the way.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07I have yet to hear one woman going, "Ooh, I love the pale, white, pasty skin...
0:08:09 > 0:08:12"and the Guinness belly,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14"and those flamingo legs."
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I mean, I can empathise, you can, Irishmen we're not the finest
0:08:22 > 0:08:27of physical specimens so we have to rely on the accent and the charm.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29No matter what you say about Irishmen,
0:08:29 > 0:08:34we're always very, very charming, or at least initially we're charming.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37And then drink becomes involved.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41I can't help but feel that if Irishmen didn't drink, we'd be Italian.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Any Italians here? No, they're off having sex somewhere, do you see that?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I do get into trouble though when I go abroad, I do.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I have gotten into trouble, but it's mostly to do with the drink.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06I know a lot of comedians will come up here and they'll tell you they don't drink any more.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I do. I love my whiskey. I will drink whiskey with all of you till the cows come home.
0:09:09 > 0:09:16I will drink whiskey with you till we bring the cows home, we get the cows drunk, and we tip the cows over.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23The one thing I will never do, I will never do drugs...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25again.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29I got stoned once in my life, only once, I was out in Australia...
0:09:29 > 0:09:32don't know if there's Australians here tonight,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35probably working behind the bar. That's OK, that's where they belong.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I was living in Sydney for six months with three women, you're thinking,
0:09:38 > 0:09:42"Ooh, how exciting," but they were three Cork women so no, no and no.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49People ask me what did I learn about living with three women.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I learned a lot of things. I learned about sharing my space with a woman,
0:09:52 > 0:09:56I learned about how many times in a day I could possibly be wrong,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03and I learned the meaning of a word I've never heard of before,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05synchronisation.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:12You didn't tell us about that one, did you?
0:10:12 > 0:10:17For those of you who don't know, synchronisation means that if you live with more than woman,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20once a month you get the hell out of there.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Even in the countries where the Irish are loved, I get into trouble.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36I was over in America, there's no greater place in the world to gig if you're an Irish comedian.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40There are 55 million Americans claim to be Irish,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43we only sent them 3 million.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45We're not that good.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I was over there, all the clubs have different nights.
0:10:48 > 0:10:54The first night I was booked, all the clubs have different nights like Puerto Rican night, Latino night.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I was obviously meant to be booked for UK and Ireland night,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00they accidently booked me for African American night.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04We were all surprised when I walked out on stage.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12I spent ten minutes pretending I was an albino, it's all I could think of.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Eventually when I started speaking to the crowd, I said do you know what,
0:11:18 > 0:11:23when I grew up in Ireland I didn't have any black friends, it's not because I was racist in any way,
0:11:23 > 0:11:29it's simply when God set out his ice cream stall of the world, Ireland was the vanilla, that's all we were.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31God didn't want us to have any outside influence that
0:11:31 > 0:11:35may have lead to jazz or hip-hop or any sort of rhythm whatsoever.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39I think most people have figured out that Irish people don't even dance,
0:11:39 > 0:11:43we just stand in the same place till we get really angry at the floor.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46That's all we do, we just stand there till eventually we're just like,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49"I hate the floor, I hate the floor."
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Lines of people hating the floor at the same time.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58And that is why Riverdance is the result of poor ethnic diversity,
0:11:58 > 0:12:02ladies and gentleman, and if you like it you're a racist.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06APPLAUSE
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I flew in last night for this show.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I was so excited, a few friends said let's go out and have a few drinks
0:12:16 > 0:12:19and get the hairy fellow drunk and see what happens.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22This was last night, and I know they got me drunk because I was
0:12:22 > 0:12:29in the corner of the bar that we were at thinking that I was being dark and mysterious
0:12:29 > 0:12:32when in fact I was asleep.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39And I woke up this morning, we'd gone drinking somewhere in Dublin, I couldn't tell you where,
0:12:39 > 0:12:44the only way I could retrace my steps was going through the drink receipts I found in my wallet.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I swear to you I took them out,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I was like "whiskey, whiskey, whiskey...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51"Whiskey and white wine!"
0:12:51 > 0:12:53I pulled.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Hang on, where is she?
0:13:00 > 0:13:05"Whiskey and white wine, whiskey and white wine, whiskey..." Oh.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"Double whiskey.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16"Kebab."
0:13:16 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Keith Farnan, you've been wonderful.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Well done. Brilliant stuff.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Fantastic. Keith Farnan, ladies and gentlemen.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Keith Farnan.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Marvellous.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Brilliant.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Can I ask, did anybody get their exam results today or yesterday?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- GIRL: Yes! DEEP MALE VOICE:- Yes!
0:13:47 > 0:13:51A young girl down here and man up there who obviously re-took them.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- DEEP VOICE: - "I'll take them again, yeah.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01"I'll have another crack."
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Was it you? Hi, how did you do? Did you do all right?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Yes.- You did good, congratulations.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Was it grades, do you get A, B, like that?
0:14:10 > 0:14:14- Yes.- Oh, yes, I saw it in the Irish Times, I was reading this morning.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18They only have the people who've done really well, those people going, "Ya-a-a-ay!"
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I wish on the next page they'd have all the losers, the people going "Boo-hoo...
0:14:24 > 0:14:27"I can't believe it!"
0:14:27 > 0:14:29A big, angry father in the background,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33"You'll amount to nothing!"
0:14:35 > 0:14:38So what are you going to do with your life, because you did well?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Social Science.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Social Science? OK. I don't know what that is, like science but more chatty.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54Well, good luck, well done. Staring her life, starting her life now.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for our next guest of the evening?
0:15:03 > 0:15:07You are going to absolutely love this girl, she's going to be very successful.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11She's absolutely hilarious, without a doubt one of my favourites, what a pleasure to have her here.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Please go wild for Miss Zoe Lyons!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- Hello! AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Doubly nice for me to be here because I actually grew up in Ireland.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35I grew up in a little place called Ballypatrick in Tipperary.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38If you've heard of it we are so related.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Are you in, Dadda?
0:15:41 > 0:15:46It's a small town... Well, town is pushing it. It's a small, little village, it's properly small.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50It's so small our telephone number was 5, that's how small.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Our phone didn't even have a dial on it, it didn't.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57It had a little wind-up handle at the side... I don't know whether you remember these...
0:15:57 > 0:16:00My mum used to wind up the phone and it would go straight through
0:16:00 > 0:16:03to the post office and somebody there would put you through manually.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06My mum would phone and go, Hello, it's Julie.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08It's 5.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Can you put me through to 4 please?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14And the woman in the post office was going, "Ah there's no point, Julie,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17"I've just seen her walking past the window now.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23"I can shout after her now if you like but there's no point really, she's out. Leave it."
0:16:25 > 0:16:27My first school was in Ireland. I went to one of those proper little
0:16:27 > 0:16:30rural schools where there was five classes in one room.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33If you went down a year, you just moved desk, that was it.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36We had one girl in our class who could read,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39but we had to burn her because we thought she was a witch.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Nobody likes a show off, do they?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48That Bridget reading, where will that ever get you? No.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Fuzzy Felt,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52that's the future.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57Fuzzy Felt and Playdough, it's bendy and it tastes great!
0:16:59 > 0:17:03My mum's English, I've inherited that sort of English awkwardness, do you know what I mean?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06We're feisty but don't know what to do with it, sort of...not sure.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I saw a beautiful example of this a couple of weeks ago in London.
0:17:09 > 0:17:14I was walking down the South Bank in London and I saw two teenagers drinking cans of cider on a bench,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17drinking away and shouting abuse at tourists, and then
0:17:17 > 0:17:20one of them finished his can of cider and threw it on the floor like that.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23And his friend just looks and went, "Robert, no.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27"No. No.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31"We're binge drinkers, but we're not litterbugs."
0:17:34 > 0:17:37I get it myself though, that sort of angst, I'm not sure where to put it.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41I've discovered that I'm so English there's a part of me that doesn't even like to use my car horn any more
0:17:41 > 0:17:45in case it's interpreted too aggressively by the driver in front of me.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48It's pathetic, my car has a horn, I'll just sit there and go,
0:17:48 > 0:17:51"No, I won't use it, it comes across really angry. I'll just sit here."
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I think I need an English car horn for my English car.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I need a car horn that just goes, "Ahem...
0:17:58 > 0:18:01"Sorry, it's just the lights have changed.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10"No, about five minutes ago. Sorry, was that overly aggressive?
0:18:10 > 0:18:14"I do apologise, I'm just late for a dialysis appointment. I'm so sorry."
0:18:18 > 0:18:22I'm an awkward person. I get myself into some awkward situations.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27I was in London and I walked into a shop and I caught sight of myself on a CCTV monitor.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30I don't know whether you've ever done this, I caught sight of myself and I went,
0:18:30 > 0:18:33"Oh, my God, is that me? Is that me? Is that me?"
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Because you're at a funny angle, so you've got to make sure it is you.
0:18:37 > 0:18:44So you end up doing the is-that-me dance into the CCTV monitor, in the shop going, "Is that me?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47"Is that me, is that me?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50"Is that... that is me, that is me."
0:18:50 > 0:18:54"Look at that. Look at the state of that.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56"Look at the hair on that."
0:18:56 > 0:18:59And I had this awful thought, I thought...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01if I go missing.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09LAUGHTER
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I've decided to look after myself a bit more, eat more healthily.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21I struggle with health food, I find health food quite smug.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25There's a health food shop round the corner from where I live and I often go in there,
0:19:25 > 0:19:29not to buy anything, you understand, just to slap a vegan round the face with a steak and run off.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39It's the little things in life that keep you going, isn't it?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42You just run in there... come on, you pasty-faced bugger, come on.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Chase me. What's that burning smell?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Protein, oh, yeah. Healthy protein, yeah.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Why aren't you running? Because you fainted, you fainted.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53You fainted.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56I don't do the competitive aspect of life very well at all.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I am the sort of person who will wander round a graveyard just
0:19:59 > 0:20:02to give myself a brief sense of one-upmanship.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Do it, it's brilliant. You always come out feeling like a champion.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08"Who's winning? I'm winning. Yeah.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11"Dorothy, dead in 1859.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13"Beat yer, in your face, Dot."
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I hate competitive people. Everybody knows one of those people that says,
0:20:19 > 0:20:23"I'm sorry, Zoe, but I'm just really competitive in everything I do." I'm like, "Are you?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26"Well, then you're an arsehole.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30"But if it makes you feel any better, you're the best arsehole I have ever met."
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Do you ever meet people so stupid you go, "Oh, you're the reason tins of soup come with cooking instructions!"
0:20:39 > 0:20:46We see beautiful examples of people not thinking all around you, don't you?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Flying over here today, I was on a plane... best way to fly I find...
0:20:50 > 0:20:52but there was no Row 13 on the plane.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54So I said to the stewardess, "No Row 13 on this plane?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57"Why is there no Row 13 on this plane?"
0:20:57 > 0:21:01She went, "Oh, it's because people think it's unlucky to sit in Row 13."
0:21:01 > 0:21:05I went, "Really?" There's obviously not a lot of thinking going on there is there, when you think.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08They think it's unlucky to sit in Row 13.
0:21:08 > 0:21:14Now I am no aviation expert but I've done quite a bit of flying, right, and I have never been at 33,000 feet
0:21:14 > 0:21:20with a very large gin and tonic and a packet of peanuts, and all of a sudden Row 13
0:21:20 > 0:21:24seats A to F has dropped through the fuselage...
0:21:24 > 0:21:26LAUGHTER
0:21:26 > 0:21:33..and everybody else is carrying on quite merrily. I have never seen that.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44People in Row 12 turning round going, "Oh, that was lucky wasn't it?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46"That has just gone, hasn't it?"
0:21:48 > 0:21:52People in 14 going, "Look at that leg room, brilliant.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"I didn't pay for that, brilliant."
0:21:54 > 0:21:59Folks, thank you ever so much. I'm Zoe Lyons, goodnight. Cheers.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Love Zoe Lyons! Well done.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Zoe Lyons, ladies and gentlemen!
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Fantastic.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Let's talk to somebody.
0:22:13 > 0:22:19Hi, how are you. You've got an enormous something in your pocket.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22It's like Y-fronts. Could you pull it out of your pocket?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24It's a hankie, it's a hankie.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26It's a messy hankie, isn't it?
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Some people wear a hankie with style, "Look, I'm a man of sophistication."
0:22:30 > 0:22:36You've just got a big load of bog roll and stuffed it in there.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Your hankie's a mess, sir.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- Welcome, what's your name?- Kevin.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Hi, Kevin, and where are you from in Ireland?- Limerick.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47CHEERING
0:22:47 > 0:22:50A little bit of support for Limerick. And what do you do?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- I'm a doctor.- You're a doctor.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Oh, Kevin, it's good to know there's a doctor in the house.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59If something happens to somebody I would say, "Is there a doctor in the house?" And you'd go, "Me."
0:22:59 > 0:23:06And everyone would go, "A bit grubby with that thing in his shirt, is there another doctor perhaps?"
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Is there another doctor?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Woo!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I don't trust that doctor either.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17"Woo, come on, get a thermometer in you. Woo!"
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Are you a GP, because I don't trust GPs. I don't think they do anything.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25GPs don't really do anything. No, no, don't look at me like that.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28GPs, they just know other people who know stuff.
0:23:28 > 0:23:34You go to the GP, "Oh, my leg really hurts," and they go, "You want leg man, I'll write down his details.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37"Find legman, I've written him down on a piece of paper."
0:23:37 > 0:23:41"My ear is killing me." "You need ear man."
0:23:41 > 0:23:43"I've got a headache."
0:23:43 > 0:23:47"I know that one, Nurofen. Come on!
0:23:47 > 0:23:49"And water."
0:23:49 > 0:23:53APPLAUSE
0:23:53 > 0:23:58I was in a hospital in London and I was in the waiting room... it was nothing serious, don't worry...
0:23:58 > 0:24:05and there was this sign up in the waiting room that said "Thieves operate in this area".
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Thieves are doing the operations in this hospital?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11What kind of a shithole is this?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for our next guest?
0:24:20 > 0:24:25Please welcome to the stage a man who is an award-winning comic.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28He's been a sensation and now you're going to find out why.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Please welcome to the stage Mr Andrew Lloyds, ladies and gentlemen.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Whoo, thank you very much, thank you.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43What a lovely warm welcome.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45It's lovely to be here. I'm nervous.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I always get nervous when I come on stage, I can't help it.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53I hear people clapping and I've got the lights shining in my eyes,
0:24:53 > 0:24:56suddenly the clapping stops, a little bit of wee comes out...
0:24:56 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:04Anyway you can relax, I'm not entirely sure at this early stage whether I'm the actual comedian
0:25:04 > 0:25:08or whether someone's just led me up here as part of some sort of care in the community scheme.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15If you're thinking any minute now some mental health nurse is going to come up here and drag me away,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18you couldn't be more wrong - she's dead.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23I'm never quite sure how to start a gig, to be honest.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26A lot of the time I come on and just acknowledge the fact that
0:25:26 > 0:25:30I've got ginger hair, a creepy face, and a voice like a sex offender.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34LAUGHTER
0:25:34 > 0:25:35APPLAUSE
0:25:40 > 0:25:45I think if I don't do that, audiences are sitting there a little bit baffled and confused thinking,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48"What's going in the comedic sense? God's given this man so much
0:25:48 > 0:25:51"to work with and yet he's using none of it, how could this be?"
0:25:54 > 0:25:59It's lovely to be in Dublin. I'm glad I get nervous when I come on stage, I wouldn't want to be arrogant.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01It's natural to get nervous to do this sort of thing, isn't it?
0:26:01 > 0:26:07I wouldn't want to get arrogant, because comedy is a job that will slowly strip you of all your dignity.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10My mum came to see me do a gig recently for the first time ever,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13and she's Irish, she's from Dublin and she's wonderful.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17She tries to encourage me in everything I do, but when she thinks
0:26:17 > 0:26:21I'm rubbish at something, she's not all that good at concealing it.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23"Ah, that was great, Andrew, you stepped on stage,
0:26:23 > 0:26:28"you started talking, you carried on talking, not everybody was listening, but you didn't let that faze you.
0:26:37 > 0:26:42"Carried on talking, you didn't even seem to stop to think about the next thing you were going to say.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46"It's almost as if you had the whole thing planned out in advance - well done, son."
0:26:46 > 0:26:48"There's more to it than that, Mum."
0:26:48 > 0:26:52I know, at one stage you took the microphone out of the stand, started walking around, I thought,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54"Stick to what you know, son!"
0:26:54 > 0:26:58"Don't overreach yourself, don't get overambitious.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03"You did very well, you left the stage at the end, enough people clapped so it wasn't embarrassing."
0:27:03 > 0:27:06"There's more to it, Mum, you should come and see me do another gig.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09"It's more about me trying to make people laugh. Come and see me again."
0:27:09 > 0:27:12"Oh, no, I wouldn't want to do that, I'd be bored out of my mind, Andrew."
0:27:20 > 0:27:23But it's a privilege, a genuine privilege to be here.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I never thought I'd get to do something fun and interesting for a job.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30I went to a rubbish school, nobody ever told you you had any potential.
0:27:30 > 0:27:35Head teacher used to stand at the front at Assembly and say things like, "Now remember as you journey
0:27:35 > 0:27:40"out into the world whatever your expectations are of life, lower them,
0:27:40 > 0:27:44"lower them, lower them as far as you possibly can.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48"Bury those expectations in a deep, dark, psychological hole.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52"Once you've done that, whatever remains of your expectations,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55"accept and acknowledge they will never ever come to any fruition.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58"Put your shoes on, go out and get a job you don't like,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01"enter into a loveless marriage, drink heavily, pretend you're happy.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05"Don't complain, never complain, get on with things quietly, wait patiently for death.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07"Death will inevitably come
0:28:07 > 0:28:10"and when it does, trust me, you'll be more than grateful."
0:28:18 > 0:28:21I get quite angry about things sometimes.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Get wound up, drink too much coffee.
0:28:23 > 0:28:28All the time I go in these chain coffee shops, it drives me mad the way they train the poor people
0:28:28 > 0:28:31who work in these places to treat the customers like idiots.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34"Can I help you?" "I'll have a large black coffee, please."
0:28:34 > 0:28:36"Would you like a raspberry muffin with that?"
0:28:36 > 0:28:39"No, why are you asking me stupid unnecessary questions?
0:28:39 > 0:28:42"You asked me what I wanted, I told you - a large black coffee.
0:28:42 > 0:28:47"If I wanted a raspberry muffin I would have said I'll have a large black coffee and a raspberry muffin.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49"I didn't say that because I never wanted a raspberry muffin.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52"I've had an opportunity to have a look over the glass counter
0:28:52 > 0:28:54"at all the confectionery on offer and think do I want any of this.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57"The conclusion I came to is no, no I don't.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59"Yet somehow in the moment between me deciding what I wanted and making
0:28:59 > 0:29:03"my order, you imagine I've forgotten what I wanted. I haven't, I haven't.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05"Why are you asking me stupid, offensive questions?
0:29:05 > 0:29:08"I never asked you stupid offensive questions, do I?" "Can I help you?"
0:29:08 > 0:29:09"Large black coffee." "2.50 please."
0:29:09 > 0:29:12"Certainly, do you want a punch in the face?"
0:29:20 > 0:29:25I don't do a lot of... Some comedians come on and sort of chat to people in the front row.
0:29:25 > 0:29:29I got bored with doing that, asking questions, where are you from, what do you do.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Not interested, I've got my own problems.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34I don't like that question, what do you do for a living?
0:29:34 > 0:29:38Comedian is one of those jobs people find out what you do for a living, they want something for free.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40"What do you do for a living?" "I'm a comedian." "Tell us a joke."
0:29:40 > 0:29:43You rarely get that in other walks of live. "What d'you do for a living?"
0:29:43 > 0:29:45"I'm a cleaner." "Empty my bins." It never happens.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52I'm trying to save up - I'd love to be a homeowner at some stage.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55It's impossible for younger people to get on the property ladder, isn't it?
0:29:55 > 0:30:00I keep on switching on the television and seeing these nauseating repeats of property programmes like...
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Gary and Michelle are air stewards.
0:30:03 > 0:30:08They're looking for a two-bedroom townhouse in North London in the region of £3 million. What?
0:30:10 > 0:30:14Where did Gary and Michelle get £3 million from? I have nothing!
0:30:14 > 0:30:19My girlfriend says, "Andrew we should go on one of those property programmes."
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Oh, what a good idea(!) Andrew and his girlfriend are first-time buyers
0:30:22 > 0:30:25with an erratic income looking for a property in the region of £150,000.
0:30:25 > 0:30:30Today we'll be showing them an array of squalid ex-council flats in undesirable areas.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Let's see how they get on as they enter into this first property,
0:30:32 > 0:30:36who notices a crack addict sleeping in the stairwell?
0:30:36 > 0:30:39Watch out for the pit bull terrier, in the hallway. There's a turd on the carpet,
0:30:39 > 0:30:41don't know how long that's been there but there's a tree growing out of it.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45Property's on the market for 175, good news is the owner is prepared
0:30:45 > 0:30:49to listen to offers in exchange for sexual favours. Whoohoo!
0:30:49 > 0:30:54It's the old people's fault, the old people's fault I can't get on the property ladder.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58If there's any old people in tonight, I want to say congratulations - you've done a wonderful job.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02You messed up the environment and you plunged us all into global economic crisis.
0:31:02 > 0:31:06Gave yourself cheap housing, full employment, free education, you had a wonderful time.
0:31:06 > 0:31:10You sold my generation down the river and now you expect me to pick up the pieces of your broken world.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12Ha-ha-ha, you disgust me, old people.
0:31:19 > 0:31:23These days the kids go out of university with their degree and their five-figure student loan debt,
0:31:23 > 0:31:26there's no job for them because you old people won't retire.
0:31:26 > 0:31:31Just go on working year after year, clogging up the job market, then you do retire but you won't die.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Why won't you die?
0:31:33 > 0:31:35Why can't you just die?
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Thanks for coming.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an absolute privilege, goodnight. Thank you so much.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Fantastic. Well done.
0:31:47 > 0:31:51Andrew Lawrence, ladies and gentlemen, fantastic.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54There's nobody quite like Andrew Lawrence.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01Can I talk to you about Gaelic football?
0:32:01 > 0:32:03CHEERING
0:32:03 > 0:32:07It looks like a fun game, Gaelic. Gay-lick.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13Gay-lick.
0:32:13 > 0:32:17"Are you coming outside with us, boys, for some Gaelic?"
0:32:17 > 0:32:19"No, thank you.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22"Think I'm going to give that one a miss."
0:32:24 > 0:32:27You didn't like that, did you, sir? He's sitting there going,
0:32:28 > 0:32:32"You'll be stopped saying Gaelic like that, my friend."
0:32:32 > 0:32:37It's like politicians say "I have a mandate." A man-date? Whoo.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43I don't want to know about your private life.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47My man-date is to play more gay-lick. Mmmm.
0:32:50 > 0:32:51Yeah, yeah, baby.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58Ladies and gentlemen of Dublin, it is time for your headliner!
0:32:58 > 0:33:00CHEERING
0:33:00 > 0:33:06When I heard that we were doing this show, I wanted to come here, I was desperate to come here.
0:33:06 > 0:33:11I've always enjoyed gigging here and there was only one comedian that I wanted to headline the show,
0:33:11 > 0:33:15because he is genuinely one of my favourite comedians working anywhere in the world.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17So please welcome Mr Tommy Tiernan to the stage.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Thank you, thank you very much.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40My goodness, there we are.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43Difficult times, folks, difficult times.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47LAUGHTER
0:33:47 > 0:33:49Came here in a big car...
0:33:50 > 0:33:53..big huge car,
0:33:53 > 0:33:55big car that doesn't suit me.
0:33:55 > 0:34:00Bought a big fancy car when times were good, you know, and it doesn't suit me.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03I know it doesn't suit me because I drove past my reflection
0:34:03 > 0:34:07in a shop window and before I knew who it was, I called him an arsehole.
0:34:11 > 0:34:15Who do you think you are in you big fancy car?
0:34:15 > 0:34:17If you don't believe the fingers, I'll start by hitting you.
0:34:21 > 0:34:26We found out when times were good that money doesn't suit Irish people,
0:34:26 > 0:34:30you know. We gave a go, didn't we?
0:34:30 > 0:34:37It's like economists are telling us now that we screwed up the good times by spending all our money.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42That's what we were supposed to do,
0:34:42 > 0:34:44that's why they were called the good times.
0:34:46 > 0:34:50You can't be saving your money during the good times because then they're not the good times.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Then they're the "in preparation for the bad times" times.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58When we had money, we tried things.
0:34:58 > 0:35:02We tried things that didn't suit us but at least we gave it a go.
0:35:02 > 0:35:03We went skiing!
0:35:06 > 0:35:09Irish people skiing - we get panic attacks
0:35:09 > 0:35:12if we're in a house with more than one set of stairs.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18"Get away from the banister, Michael, get away.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20"This place is a death trap, get away!"
0:35:25 > 0:35:27But we gave it a go.
0:35:27 > 0:35:33Was there anything more frightening to the posh people of Europe up there in the Alps
0:35:33 > 0:35:38with their designer gear, all Dolce and Gabbana and Prada and Gucci?
0:35:38 > 0:35:42We were there head-to-toe Aldi.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Aldi skiing gear,
0:35:53 > 0:35:57we were in the nip by the time we got to the bottom of the hill.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04The stuff disintegrated if you went faster than 5mph.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07Ski school, no, thanks.
0:36:07 > 0:36:08A drink at altitude, yes.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14The whole world now seemingly is in recession.
0:36:14 > 0:36:20You know, we're told Germany, Germany owes 100 million billion
0:36:20 > 0:36:23billion
0:36:23 > 0:36:29trillion million greiben gruben schladen.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Trillion!
0:36:31 > 0:36:36England owes million billion
0:36:36 > 0:36:40billion zillion billion million billion...
0:36:49 > 0:36:51billion.
0:36:52 > 0:36:53America, America owes...
0:36:53 > 0:36:56A-a-a-a-a-a-a-rgh!
0:37:04 > 0:37:07It's not even a number, just a noise.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10You're in trouble when you owe that much, aren't you?
0:37:10 > 0:37:12"What's on your credit card?"
0:37:12 > 0:37:15A-a-a-a-a-a-a-rgh!
0:37:17 > 0:37:21Every country in the world owes money, but to who?
0:37:24 > 0:37:27Who does everybody in the world owe money to...
0:37:27 > 0:37:30and why don't we just kill the bastard and relax?
0:37:40 > 0:37:41Tough times.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44I have five children.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46- Woo!- Woo!
0:37:46 > 0:37:47Yes, thank you.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49Five children, yeah.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55The only other people who have five children are movie superstars, aren't they?
0:37:55 > 0:38:00People like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, how many kids do they have?
0:38:00 > 0:38:04They're all from different parts of the world.
0:38:04 > 0:38:05And I know nothing...
0:38:07 > 0:38:11about Brad Pitt but I wouldn't say it's his idea.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17He's just going with the flow, like, isn't he?
0:38:17 > 0:38:20Sure, she's lipped like a duvet, he'd do anything for her.
0:38:22 > 0:38:23I would say.
0:38:27 > 0:38:33I'd say there's mornings Brad comes down into the kitchen with a big stoner head on him,
0:38:33 > 0:38:38bumping into some young fella that he's never laid eyes on before.
0:38:40 > 0:38:44"Well, hello there, little man, and where are you from?"
0:38:44 > 0:38:47picking up the child to see if there's a country of origin sticker on him.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55No, I would love to adopt, I'd love to do that.
0:38:55 > 0:39:01I think it's a great thing to do, you know, but I only want to adopt talented children.
0:39:01 > 0:39:06Pasty-faced, uncoordinated Irish kids, I can make them myself.
0:39:12 > 0:39:16There was a talent show on in my kids' school recently,
0:39:16 > 0:39:21and an eight-year-old girl did a tumble onto a mattress...
0:39:25 > 0:39:28at a talent show! That's all she did.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32And it was touch and go if she was going to make it there for a while.
0:39:35 > 0:39:40She came down with a thwack, and she stood up
0:39:40 > 0:39:43as if she'd won an Olympic medal,
0:39:43 > 0:39:48and we had to clap. And I was there, "What is this shit?!"
0:39:52 > 0:39:56Then these two Chinese kids got up that had been adopted,
0:39:56 > 0:40:00they were playing the violin as if their lives depended on it...
0:40:00 > 0:40:02because they did.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06They were incredible.
0:40:06 > 0:40:11One young fellow was only looking at the violin and it was singing at him.
0:40:11 > 0:40:18They're the kind of kids I want. I want to go to orphanages and hold auditions
0:40:18 > 0:40:21for a new show called Who Wants To Be a Tiernan?
0:40:31 > 0:40:35It's hard when you've got five children to find time to make love to your wife,
0:40:35 > 0:40:38you know, it's hard.
0:40:38 > 0:40:42We don't get much sleep and I snore.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45I don't know for a fact that I snore.
0:40:45 > 0:40:49It's what she says after she hits me.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53"Huh?"
0:40:53 > 0:40:54"You're snoring."
0:40:54 > 0:40:57"It's the elephant's turn to take a penalty.
0:41:04 > 0:41:08"What's going on here like? What?
0:41:08 > 0:41:11"I was snoring, seriously? Was I?
0:41:11 > 0:41:13"Aargh.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16"Did I wake you up, yeah?
0:41:16 > 0:41:18"Aargh, sure I would have slept through the whole thing.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24"No, I'm glad you woke me up, seriously.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27"There's no point in one of us getting a night's rest.
0:41:31 > 0:41:36"We both have to be exhausted in the morning so we know how the other one feels."
0:41:38 > 0:41:44You can't leave lovemaking till last thing at night because you're too exhausted.
0:41:44 > 0:41:50Best time to make love is about 11 o'clock in the morning, OK, the three older kids have gone to school,
0:41:50 > 0:41:56the two younger kids are having their midmorning nap, Daddy follows Mammy upstairs in the hope of quick relief.
0:41:56 > 0:42:01Now the only problem with this is you end up making love to whatever music
0:42:01 > 0:42:04is putting the children to sleep, that's just the way it is.
0:42:09 > 0:42:13# Twinkle twinkle little star
0:42:13 > 0:42:19# How I wonder what you are... #
0:42:19 > 0:42:24# Three little kittens have lost their mittens and don't know where to find them
0:42:28 > 0:42:33# Mother dear, oh, did you hear We have lost our mittens?
0:42:33 > 0:42:36# You've lost your mittens
0:42:36 > 0:42:39# You naughty kittens You shall have no tea
0:42:39 > 0:42:42# Oh, Mother dear, oh, did you hear We have found our mittens
0:42:42 > 0:42:46# You've found your mittens You lovely kittens... #
0:42:46 > 0:42:48# Row, row, row your boat... #
0:42:48 > 0:42:50Dublin, you're a mighty bunch of people.
0:42:50 > 0:42:53Thank you very much, goodnight.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE
0:43:00 > 0:43:02Thank you so much.
0:43:02 > 0:43:07Tommy Tiernan, that was superb. Fantastic.
0:43:07 > 0:43:09What an absolute pleasure.
0:43:09 > 0:43:14So, ladies and gentlemen, let's give it up for everybody we had tonight.
0:43:14 > 0:43:18We had the fantastic Keith Farnan here, we love Keith Farnan.
0:43:18 > 0:43:23The wonderful Zoe Lyons, ladies and gentlemen.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26Fantastic Andrew Lawrence was here.
0:43:26 > 0:43:33And the absolutely legendary Tommy Tiernan.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36Thank you very much. Goodnight everybody, thank you.
0:43:53 > 0:43:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:56 > 0:44:00E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk