0:00:23 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:24 > 0:00:31please give a big Bristol welcome to Michael McIntyre!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Hello!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Good evening! Hello!
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42And welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:44 > 0:00:49Right here in my favourite city of them all.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51It's Bristol!
0:00:51 > 0:00:52CHEERING
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- IN BRISTOL ACCENT: - All right, my babbers?
0:01:00 > 0:01:05I met some locals today, including a man who came up to me and went, "Oh, my God, it's you!
0:01:05 > 0:01:06"Gert Lush!" What?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10"Gert Lush?"
0:01:10 > 0:01:14I think you've got me mixed up with some kind of Norwegian person.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17He said, "Can I get a photo?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19"Can I get a photo, Mr McIntyre?"
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Very polite. Very polite. "Can I get a photo, Mr McIntyre?"
0:01:22 > 0:01:23I said, "yeah, OK."
0:01:23 > 0:01:27I got in, it was only him, for one of those cuddly ones like that.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30He went, "No, just of you." Quite creepy.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32I had to stand there and went like this.
0:01:34 > 0:01:41Then he held up the camera, it was a digital camera quite clearly the wrong way round.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46You could see in the display his own confused face.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48And behind it his actual confused face.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51"Right, let me see how this works, then."
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Then he took it, of his face, with a flash, thanked me and walked off.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58"Thank you, Mr McIntyre, that's a proper job. A proper job."
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I've spotted the wonderful Carol Vorderman sitting there.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Look at that!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Gert Lush!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15It's Vorders! Are you local, Carol?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Where are you from?
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- I've been in Bristol for three years. - You enjoying it, Carol?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- I love it.- You love it. She loves it, she likes it.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27CHEERING
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I met you once before. You probably don't remember.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30I got in the lift with you,
0:02:30 > 0:02:33and believe it or not you were standing at the numbers,
0:02:33 > 0:02:34and you said "what floor?"
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I thought, "If I can't make a joke in these circumstances,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40"I'm not a comedian."
0:02:40 > 0:02:44"I'll have one from the top and four from anywhere else, please, Carol."
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Gert lush, it's Vorders!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49CHEERING
0:02:51 > 0:02:56What an absolute pleasure to welcome Deborah Meaden, a Dragon in the house!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58There's a Dragon in the house.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01How are you, Deborah?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Are you local, Deborah Meaden?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- Quite, Taunton. - Taunton, that's not far at all.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09CHEERING
0:03:09 > 0:03:14You're one of my favourite Dragons. I like it when you go, "So let me tell you where I'm at."
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Do you say that when you pick up your mobile?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22"I'm out." In fact, you should have that on your answerphone.
0:03:22 > 0:03:27"Hi, it's Deborah Meaden, let me tell you where I'm at. I'm out." That would be lovely.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I hate those answerphones where you have an automated person,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39and people just drop their name in the middle.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42You need to know. It sounds shit!
0:03:42 > 0:03:47"This is the Vodafone voicemail service for Dave, please leave your message..."
0:03:47 > 0:03:49It's awful! Change it.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Do you think he's like that in real life?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54"This is my husband Barry, he's an architect..."
0:03:56 > 0:03:59I have an iPhone and it's so easy to break.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03I just sort of put it down, it wasn't even a fall, it was just a little...
0:04:03 > 0:04:06And it cracked, and I had to take it to the Apple shop,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09where they have the most arrogant people I've ever met in my life.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14They have their names, blue shirts and their names, and underneath it says "genius."
0:04:14 > 0:04:17You're not a genius, you work in a shop! OK?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I do quite like the idea of people who work in shops
0:04:20 > 0:04:25having an indicator of their level of intellect written on them.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26That could certainly help me out.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Like in Currys, "Pete, can't read." At least I know now.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I like the PC adverts where they go, "I'm a PC,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"and this was my idea,"
0:04:38 > 0:04:44And they've got the one where there's this bloke on his own on the internet,
0:04:44 > 0:04:45and then his wife comes in,
0:04:45 > 0:04:50and it's this new feature where you can immediately hide what you're doing.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53And he was "buying his wife an anniversary present."
0:04:56 > 0:05:01"I'm a PC, and wank-hide button was my idea. Obviously."
0:05:07 > 0:05:09OK, let's bring on my first guest.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13I've been so looking forward to introducing this man, you're going to absolutely love him.
0:05:13 > 0:05:18He's the next big thing, please welcome the fantastic Mr Sean Walsh is here!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Hello Bristol!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33CHEERING
0:05:33 > 0:05:38I come from Brighton, small town, lots of cafes, bit like Bristol, good for people-watching.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- Do you like people-watching?- Yes!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43This is what I like to do in my time. I can't be bothered to do anything.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46People-watching's brilliant. People-watching
0:05:46 > 0:05:49is just sitting outside the cafe having a sip of coffee,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52and thinking, "He looks like a dick."
0:05:58 > 0:06:02You don't get this everywhere else. I go to London a lot, it's too hectic there.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05You don't get a chance to people-watch in London.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07The only chance you get to people-watch in London
0:06:07 > 0:06:10is when you go down the escalators to the Underground.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13It's brilliant, it's like hardcore people-watching.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18You just stand there going "dick, dick, dick, dick, dick,
0:06:18 > 0:06:19"I would!"
0:06:27 > 0:06:28I like airports.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33I don't mind airports, I like them, Better than train stations, because you've got the travelators.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36You don't have to bother walking.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40But you still do. Because you get to do the power walk.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44It's brilliant, I love it. "I'm going to bloody have this!
0:06:47 > 0:06:50"Forget the plane, we'll walk there, come on!"
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Who are the people that don't use them?
0:07:01 > 0:07:05You just speed past them, they're there going, "I don't like fun."
0:07:08 > 0:07:10What are you doing?
0:07:10 > 0:07:17And there's a warning now, this is ridiculous, there's a warning when you get towards the end,
0:07:17 > 0:07:24when you get towards the end, and it's that woman that's everywhere, "Cashier number four, please."
0:07:24 > 0:07:27This time she's worried. She says, "Caution."
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I'm like, "What's going on here?"
0:07:33 > 0:07:36"You are now approaching the end..."
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I think, "God, I didn't think it was going to happen like this."
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"..of the conveyor." Caution?
0:07:47 > 0:07:52This thing is going one mile per hour from flat to flat.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55"Jesus Christ, I forgot my helmet, save yourselves!"
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Who's hearing this thing and going,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01"Huh? Oh, God, yeah."
0:08:07 > 0:08:09"I've got this.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12"I don't think I can do it.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14"When it comes to the end... Here we go."
0:08:23 > 0:08:27But what's ridiculous is you know the reason they've had to put this announcement up
0:08:27 > 0:08:28is because in the past,
0:08:28 > 0:08:32some idiot HAS actually injured himself.
0:08:32 > 0:08:38I reckon he was just standing there going "dick, dick, dick, I would."
0:08:46 > 0:08:50I've been Sean Walsh, take care, goodnight.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Sean Walsh, ladies and gentlemen. Come on! Fantastic.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Ladies and gentlemen, if it isn't Nick Knowles. Nick Knowles!
0:09:07 > 0:09:08CHEERING
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Sending out an SOS!
0:09:11 > 0:09:16Nick Knowles wasn't going to be here tonight, but he's staying in my hotel and you've been working...
0:09:16 > 0:09:20I say working in the bar, you don't work in the bar.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24I was writing in the bar and I just went over to Nick Knowles last night and said,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26"Nick, will you come to my show?"
0:09:26 > 0:09:33And he said, "Will you please promise me that you won't talk to me and take the piss out of me?"
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Too late! So...
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I'm kidding. Nick, you've been living in Bristol?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Only in the hotel.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42You live in the hotel?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45How long have you been living in the hotel?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47On and off for about four years.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49BEMUSED LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Nick, I hope you can feel from the reaction of the audience
0:09:52 > 0:09:55that this isn't a normal way to live your life.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00So you used to do up homes. That's what you do, isn't it?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02It's one of the things I do.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06I'd stand and watch other people do up homes, that's what I do.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10And you're just like, "I will not take my work home with me.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12"I'm going to live in a hotel!"
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Do they know you're there?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Do you just stay in the bar, do you hide?
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Is it like when people don't pay for train tickets, they just stay in the loo?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23It's like when the ticket inspector comes...
0:10:25 > 0:10:31I like ticket inspectors, because they know how to walk on trains because they do it for a living.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34We don't know, we walk down a train and we're falling.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35"Sorry. Excuse me."
0:10:35 > 0:10:39But ticket inspectors, they're amazing. They move with the train.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43"Tickets from Doncaster?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45"Thank you."
0:10:51 > 0:10:52WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Are you ready for my next guest?
0:10:58 > 0:11:03CHEERING
0:11:03 > 0:11:06This man is going to be a star.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11Let's find out why. Mr Hal Cruttenden is here, ladies and gentlemen!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14# I could be down, I could be blue I could be violet sky
0:11:14 > 0:11:16# I could be happy I could be clappy
0:11:16 > 0:11:20# I could be anything you like... #
0:11:22 > 0:11:27Lovely to be here in Bristol. On Michael McIntyre's show.
0:11:27 > 0:11:34I love Michael. I do. Because like me he's married with kids, and like me he's really quite camp, isn't he?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- Am I camper?- Yeah!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40And he skips and shit!
0:11:42 > 0:11:46I am married, I've been married ten years now, two kids.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Thank you, we're incredibly...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52unhappy.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57We married too soon, we only knew each other five-and-a-half months.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00That was the gap between meeting and marrying.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02People say you just know, and we just knew...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04she was pregnant.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I didn't enjoy my wedding day. Most men don't.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14Most men pretend they do, but most wedding days become the bride's day, don't they? It's her day.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19I don't want to piss off the women here, but it's not your day.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21It's two people's day, OK?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23There's a man involved.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26You look at a traditional wedding reception, all the jokes,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28all the speeches take the piss out of the groom.
0:12:28 > 0:12:34No-one is allowed to take the piss out of the bride, are they? Oh, no!
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Not on her special day!
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Who's wearing fancy dress pretending to be a virgin all day?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47"No, ssh, she's a special flower."
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Women get given away. Women are still given away on their wedding day.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57That's incredibly offensive.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59It's about women being possessions.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04it reinforces that viewpoint of women as fragile, unable to look after themselves.
0:13:04 > 0:13:10If anybody is fragile and unable to look after themselves in the modern world,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13it's surely men, isn't it?
0:13:13 > 0:13:19FEMALE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:19 > 0:13:21We should be given away by our mums, shouldn't we?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27We should be dragged down the aisle by the ear,
0:13:27 > 0:13:31going, "I don't want to grow up!" "You're bloody coming! Come on.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33"Have you got clean pants on? Come on!"
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I have two kids, two lovely girls.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I'm too self-obsessed to be a good dad,
0:13:39 > 0:13:43too about me. Little Martha, my oldest, comes home from school,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46she's like, "Daddy, today we learned about butterflies, and Miss..."
0:13:46 > 0:13:50I'm going, "Martha,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53"you haven't even asked about my day."
0:14:01 > 0:14:03That's a little bit selfish, isn't it?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Little Grace, my little one, comes into our room at night going,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"Daddy, I can't sleep, I had a bad dream about a witch."
0:14:10 > 0:14:14I take her into my office and I say "You know what, Grace, that witch,
0:14:14 > 0:14:17"she's not real. OK?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20"But look at those debts there. Yeah?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26"Look at that bill, that bill's not been paid, no.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30"Can you find a pension plan on this desk, Grace?
0:14:30 > 0:14:31"Look for a pension plan?
0:14:31 > 0:14:35"No, I don't bloody have one, how do you think I sleep at night?"
0:14:35 > 0:14:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:41 > 0:14:46Thank you very much, you've been an absolute delight, Bristol. I've been Hal Cruttenden, thank you.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Wonderful! Hal Cruttenden, ladies and gentlemen!
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Wonderful. We love Hal Cruttenden.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04I don't know if anybody saw this earlier in the year,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07I read the bedtime story on CBeebies? Anybody see that?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09CHEERING
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I wish you hadn't. Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Is it called CBarbers here? CBarbers!
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Come on littl'uns, watch CBarbers.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21For those of you unfamiliar, it is basically like Jackanory,
0:15:21 > 0:15:25I did the bedtime stories for children on children's television.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I thought it would be nice to do for my children. They genuinely didn't care.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32I was like, "Look, Daddy's on the telly reading stories." "I've heard that one!"
0:15:32 > 0:15:36"But I'm on the TV." "I don't care, I don't care, I want another story."
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I want to watch the other channel.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41So I ended up possibly committing career suicide
0:15:41 > 0:15:45by becoming a children's television presenter which was unavoidable.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48If you're a children's television presenter there are rules,
0:15:48 > 0:15:52you have to be involved in an activity before suddenly realising you're on TV.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55You can't just start a show to the camera.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58You have to be doing something before going,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01"Oh, hello, I'm Michael." You can't just go straight into it.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06I said to them I don't want to do that cos it's embarrassing.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08"Sorry, you have to stick to the script."
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Script? What script? I thought I was just reading a book.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15No, there was a script. I had to talk to a penguin, a fluffy penguin,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I had to sit on a children's bed talking to a penguin
0:16:18 > 0:16:21and go, "Hello, Mr Penguin, where have you been?"
0:16:21 > 0:16:24"Oh, the Antarctic?" They said, "Cut!"
0:16:24 > 0:16:28"What's the problem?" They said, "Can you let the penguin talk?"
0:16:28 > 0:16:30"What are you talking about? It's a fluffy toy.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34They said you need to leave gaps where the Penguin would be talking.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37"Come on Michael, take it seriously." "All right, fine."
0:16:37 > 0:16:39"Hello, Mr Penguin."
0:16:48 > 0:16:50"Cut! Michael, can you not take the piss."
0:16:50 > 0:16:54"Can you not interrupt Mr Penguin?"
0:16:54 > 0:16:56APPLAUSE
0:16:56 > 0:17:00So I had to take it seriously otherwise I'd be there all day.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"You went where? To the Antarctic?" Then I had to do the whole thing.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07"Hello, I'm Michael and today's story is called Captain Flynn And The Pirate Dinosaurs."
0:17:07 > 0:17:11If you want to have a laugh, it's on iPlayer. Extremely embarrassing.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I had to read five stories. I had to do the whole week.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16You can tell as the week goes on I get more and more pissed off.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20On Monday... "Hello!" By Friday, "All right... When am I going to get out of here?"
0:17:23 > 0:17:25At the end you close the book and they were very serious about this,
0:17:25 > 0:17:29they said look down the barrel of the camera and go, "Night-night, children."
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Which is sweet cos it's the bedtime story. But as I say,
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I have children, I have two children,
0:17:34 > 0:17:41and night-night is simply not part of the putting to bed routine.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46I'm nowhere near night-night when I put my children to bed.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50This is an unrealistic interpretation of bedtime with children.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52CHEERING
0:17:52 > 0:17:56I start angry. I don't build to anger any more,
0:17:56 > 0:18:02I used to build, now I start with, "Five minutes!"
0:18:02 > 0:18:05And then bed! Don't you mess with me tonight.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Five minutes, I'll be back here in five minutes on the dot,
0:18:09 > 0:18:10then you're going to bed.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13That's just getting them into bed, then it just carries on.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Go to sleep!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Don't you mess with... Go to... Close your...
0:18:17 > 0:18:19You have to remind him how it works.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Close your eyes...
0:18:20 > 0:18:23and go to sleep!
0:18:25 > 0:18:33You have no idea how exhausted I am and your mother is because of this.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Go to sleep!
0:18:35 > 0:18:41You selfish, selfish little shit!
0:18:41 > 0:18:46Close your eyes and go to sleep!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Enough is enough!
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Do know that your mother and I haven't had sex in weeks because of this?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Do you know that sometimes she says to me in the afternoon,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58"Maybe tonight Michael you'll get lucky when the kids are asleep."
0:18:58 > 0:19:01You're never asleep!
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Go to sleep!
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Night-night.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06APPLAUSE
0:19:06 > 0:19:08That's pretty much how it goes.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Don't get me wrong, night-night is part of it,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15it's just when they're already asleep.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20You never love your children more than when they're unconscious but still breathing.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22It's a lovely moment.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Look at my little man. Night-night, darling, Daddy's little soldier.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Aw, Daddy loves you. Darling, look at what we did.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Look what we made.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Aw, isn't he lovely? Night-night.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"I'm still awake." Go to sleep!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Ladies and Gentlemen, are you ready for our next guest?
0:19:46 > 0:19:47CHEERING
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Please give all your love to one of the finest comedians in the country,
0:19:51 > 0:19:56one of my favourites, let's find out why. Please welcome the wondrous Mr Mike Gunn is here!
0:19:56 > 0:20:00# I feel good
0:20:00 > 0:20:04# I knew that I would now
0:20:04 > 0:20:06# I feel good... #
0:20:10 > 0:20:14You're quite right, I don't look that funny.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I don't have to do this, I've got money,
0:20:18 > 0:20:22admittedly all tied up in my parents' house.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Where there's a will there's a way.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31You've thought of that, haven't you?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33It's a nightmare, isn't it?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35The constant waiting.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42My mum's been dead for years but my dad, he's just clinging on.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I visit him, you have to visit them, don't you?
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Especially in the cold weather, I pop in, open a few windows, bugger off.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57APPLAUSE
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Sometimes I go round and see him unexpectedly, you know...
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Boo!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Don't judge me, I know it's wrong. I know it's wrong.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I can't help myself.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Whenever I see my dad buying anything I can't help thinking,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20"I don't want that."
0:21:23 > 0:21:26"What the hell am I going to do with that?"
0:21:26 > 0:21:28A bath with a door in it.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37It's rubbish as well, I've tried it, you open the door, all the water comes out.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40That's never going to sell on eBay, is it?
0:21:40 > 0:21:44I'm a married man, I'd like to talk a little bit about wedding dresses.
0:21:44 > 0:21:49My wife spent a fortune on a wedding dress, complete waste of money in my mind, she's worn it once.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53I've worn it more than she has.
0:21:55 > 0:22:00Not only has she spent a fortune on it and worn it once, she's insisting on keeping it forever.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03She's got it all wrapped up in tissue in a box under the bed
0:22:03 > 0:22:06and I pulled it out other day and said, "Are we keeping this for ever?"
0:22:06 > 0:22:09She went, "Yeah, it's romantic. Is it? OK.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Then she said, "It'd be really romantic if when I die I could be buried in it."
0:22:14 > 0:22:19I said, "Well, you'd better hope you die of some kind of wasting disease."
0:22:19 > 0:22:22GASPING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:30 > 0:22:34"That's the only way you're ever going to get back into that.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37"I could chuck it in on top if you want."
0:22:40 > 0:22:42"You could wear it like a bib."
0:22:48 > 0:22:50I'm divorced now obviously.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55That's all from me. Thanks, good night.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Wonderful. Mike Gunn, ladies and gentlemen!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Come on! We love Mike Gunn.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Ladies and gentlemen of Brizzel, are you ready for your headline act?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16What an absolute honour and a pleasure it is to introduce
0:23:16 > 0:23:19literally one of the best comedians there is.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I've been watching this man for years and he's one of the coolest people I've ever met
0:23:22 > 0:23:27so please give all your love to the wonderful... Noel Fielding is here, ladies and gents.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29CHEERING
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Oh, Bristol, you cheeky little otters, how are you?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54CHEERING
0:23:55 > 0:23:58You're such a lively little bunch.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02I'd love to leap in and suck all your heads like Chupa Chup lollies.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08What a room, lovely room, it's like an enormous Guess Who board.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15If everyone with a goatee beard and glasses could lean forward.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Imagine if I did the whole gig like this...
0:24:28 > 0:24:31..and you all had to read my thoughts.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39That way if it was a shit gig it'd be your own fault.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49My nan's hands were so soft...
0:24:49 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER
0:24:54 > 0:24:56That's not even it.
0:24:56 > 0:25:01My nan's hands were so soft she once caught a bubble and her hands burst.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I was in the bath with my partner the other day and you know
0:25:08 > 0:25:11what it's like, you think it'll be romantic but it never is.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Baths are too small and you end up fighting about who should sit at the end with the taps
0:25:15 > 0:25:18and it just got really out of hand, it was ridiculous.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Then we'd splash each other with water, grabbing the soap dish...
0:25:21 > 0:25:24then getting the shampoo, it got well out of order.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27It was 45 minutes of a massive full-on fight.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32Eventually my girlfriend came in and went, "I don't mind you and Geoff running a small business together..."
0:25:34 > 0:25:35"..but this is ridiculous."
0:25:41 > 0:25:47Oh, here's me, I'm coming in, I'm flying around the room, I'm a terrific bluebottle.
0:25:47 > 0:25:52Here's me, I'm coming in the room, I'm flying all over the place, I'm flying in a figure-of-eight,
0:25:52 > 0:25:56I'm doing a figure-of-eight, I'm going quite straight, I'm doing right angles, look at me,
0:25:56 > 0:26:00it's like I'm orchestrating a map of Hampton Court maze but from an aerial perspective.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Here's me, I'm flying all around the house, I'm in the front room,
0:26:04 > 0:26:08I'm in the back room, I'm in the kitchen, I'm landing on the fridge door.
0:26:08 > 0:26:14Now I'm going back out again and I'm coming back in half an hour later and landing in exactly the same place.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Now I'm going out again,
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I'm going out again, you don't know what's happening.
0:26:21 > 0:26:27I've been gone ages this time, could be days, I've come back in and landed in exactly the same place.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31It's doing your head in, you can't work it out, we'll never know if it really is the same place though
0:26:31 > 0:26:34unless when I land on it you draw round my feet, then when I go away,
0:26:34 > 0:26:39when I come back, we see if there's any overlap.
0:26:39 > 0:26:46Here's me, I'm flying all around the place, I'm flying all around the place, now I'm in the distance.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Now I'm coming really close to your ear.
0:26:51 > 0:26:56I'm in the distance, I'm in the distance, now I'm really close to your ear. You're like that.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59If someone sees you, you have to go, "I thought it was a wasp."
0:27:01 > 0:27:04When that person goes away and I give you a little look
0:27:04 > 0:27:09as if to say we both knew full well that wasn't a wasp, that was a fly.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Here's me, I'm coming in...
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I've got three hours of this. Here's me, I'm coming in,
0:27:15 > 0:27:19there's you at your little desk, you're trying to do some writing,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21perhaps you're at college, perhaps you're writing a novel,
0:27:21 > 0:27:25I'm not sure but I keep just buzzing around your head and you don't know what's happening.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28I'm buzzing around your head, you're getting really annoyed.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32You can't concentrate, so you go over and open the window.
0:27:32 > 0:27:38But you open the window in a way it's never been opened before in its entire career as a window in a house.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42It has been opened so wide you're like that...
0:27:42 > 0:27:45All the way to the top, no one's ever opened a window that wide before
0:27:45 > 0:27:50and when I come in the room, as if I won't see that as a trap.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53I can see 175 frames a second, my friend.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I can see when a window's been opened to its fullest.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00You're sitting there at your desk, the window's open, I'll come towards it, come towards it,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03come towards it, last minute I'll do a little turn off.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04APPLAUSE
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Here I come, here I come, I've actually gone through it.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13You can't believe it, you've jumped up out of your desk,
0:28:13 > 0:28:18you've slammed it shut, you think you've won, you're doing a victory dance, but I'm behind your head.
0:28:18 > 0:28:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:23 > 0:28:29Ladies and gentlemen, you've been amazing, it's been an amazing night. Thanks for having me.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Cheers, goodnight. Thank you!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Noel Fielding, ladies and gentlemen. Marvellous!
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Noel Fielding. Fantastic.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Let's hear it for all the acts.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Sean Walsh, what a legend! Sean Walsh.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47CHEERING
0:28:47 > 0:28:51The fantastic Hal Cruttenden was here.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54CHEERING
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Mike Gunn was here, wasn't he wonderful?
0:28:56 > 0:28:58CHEERING
0:28:58 > 0:29:03And the absolutely fantastic headline act Noel Fielding!
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Thank you very much Bristol, goodnight. Thank you!
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:19 > 0:29:23E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk