0:00:23 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:24 > 0:00:31please give a big Leeds welcome to Michael McIntyre!
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Hello!
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Hello!
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Hello and welcome to our Comedy Roadshow!
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Very good!
0:00:48 > 0:00:53Right here in my favourite city of them all, it's Leeds!
0:00:58 > 0:00:59What is going on with the loop?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I'm all for having an inner-city ring road,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05but can we go both ways around it?
0:01:05 > 0:01:09I had to go that way. I was at my hotel, and I had to go to the theatre there. Theatre is there.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10I could see the theatre.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Took me 25 minutes,
0:01:12 > 0:01:18going around the whole city... to get almost back to my hotel.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21It should have taken a minute to get back to my hotel.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Is this how you behave at home in Leeds? Sitting on the sofa -
0:01:25 > 0:01:28"Love, could you pass the remote control next to you?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30"Yeah, I'll bring that round to you now".
0:01:30 > 0:01:33LAUGHTER
0:01:37 > 0:01:42"There you go, love. On to't loop, eh? Eh?"
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I will be attempting a vague Yorkshire accent.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I've done me 'omework!
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Eh, up! Eh, up!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52That's supposed to be "hello", according to you!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Summat. Summat.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58I walked past a person yesterday. He went, "I gotta get summat in me stomach."
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Obviously a food lover there!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Nowt! Nowt!
0:02:02 > 0:02:08My favourite is the fact that the word "the" has not reached this area.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11We have it in the south. It's freely used.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I think somewhere around Junction 25 of the M1,
0:02:14 > 0:02:18the word "the" stops at the services and says, "I can go no further.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24"I'm staying here with my friends 'nothing' and 'something'.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26"You go on ahead, OK?"
0:02:26 > 0:02:28"Are you sure you're not coming?"
0:02:28 > 0:02:33"No, they can just go 't', like that."
0:02:33 > 0:02:37My first experience of this was when I went to the cinema in Leeds a few years ago.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41I saw The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44I had more fun asking the woman what I'd booked to see
0:02:44 > 0:02:47than watching the entire film itself!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49"What is it I'm seeing today?"
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"T'Lion, t'Witch and t'Wardrobe."
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Are you kidding?
0:02:57 > 0:02:58"Wanna see summat else?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01"Wanna see summat else?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03"Cos there's nowt else to see here!
0:03:04 > 0:03:05"Are you taking t'piss?"
0:03:05 > 0:03:09I thought it would be a nice idea, just for a bit of fun,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12to go to HMV and get The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14The Good, The Bad And The Ugly
0:03:14 > 0:03:17and an album by '70s sensation The The. Line them up
0:03:17 > 0:03:21on the counter of HMV in Leeds city centre.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23"What am I purchasing here today?"
0:03:23 > 0:03:25"T'Lion, t'Witch and t'Wardrobe,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27"t'Good, t'Bad and t'Ugly,
0:03:27 > 0:03:30"and T' T'!"
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Thank you so much!
0:03:33 > 0:03:38Next person in the queue - "Have you got Nowt Compares To Thee by Sinead O'Connor?"
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"Have you got There's Summat About Mary?"
0:03:41 > 0:03:44"Have you got Eh, Up by Lionel Richie?"
0:03:47 > 0:03:51# Eh, up! Is it me you're looking for? #
0:03:53 > 0:03:55"Yes, I am looking for you. Where are you?"
0:03:55 > 0:03:57"I'm on the loop. I'll be there in a minute, come on!"
0:03:57 > 0:03:58LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:05I didn't gig in Leeds last year. The closest I got was Sheffield.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07They didn't let me in to my own show!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I was doing the Sheffield Arena.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13They wouldn't let me in! There was a security guard on the door
0:04:13 > 0:04:18and I said, "Hi." Basically, I was cocky. I was cocky enough to waltz past him.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21He went, "Hey! Excuse me! Can I see your pass?"
0:04:21 > 0:04:23"I don't really have a pass."
0:04:23 > 0:04:27The pass, by the way, was round his neck and it had my face on it!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29The pass was my face!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I said, "No, it's my show. My show."
0:04:31 > 0:04:34He went, "Rules are rules. I need to see your pass."
0:04:34 > 0:04:39I'm like, "But it's my face. Can I... Do you mind if I use my face
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"as the pass for my show?"
0:04:41 > 0:04:45He went, "No, that won't work. Give me your pass or you're not coming in."
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I said, "It's my show. It's my face!"
0:04:48 > 0:04:53He said, "The Queen's on money, but she can't use her face as a tenner. Get your pass!"
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Quite good logic. Quite good logic.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I went to a carvery.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04You like a carvery in Yorkshire, don't you? Come on.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07You are united in your love of carvery.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09"£3.50 for two, come on!"
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Queue up.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14"I'll have some of that and some of that
0:05:14 > 0:05:18"and some of that and some of that. Give me all the meat on one plate.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20"Keep it going with the gravy!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"Don't stop till it's swimming and I can't get it back to the table!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"Oh, no, I forgot my Brussels sprouts. Can I have some?"
0:05:28 > 0:05:31"No, you have to go round the pub loop.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35"Go outside and through the car park." "Oh, no."
0:05:35 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:41 > 0:05:46So I watch adverts during the day. I'm going to stop doing that, OK?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49They're aimed at people who watch TV in the day.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I hope I'm not one of those people.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54A lot of bloated women seem to be watching TV.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Activia yoghurt, that's the solution.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01This advert starts with a woman who's obviously in discomfort.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03She's not happy. She walks along like this.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05She's not happy.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09She looks at the camera to confirm it.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15"Ugh!" Then she has an Activia yoghurt, and she's fine.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Smile on her face, quite light on her feet.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Opens the front door, lovely sunny day.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Begins her day, all because of Activia.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Of course, what this advert's missed out is an enormous shit in the middle.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33It's completely inaccurate advertising.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36This ad should show her emerging from the loo, going "Jesus Christ!
0:06:36 > 0:06:39"Children, do not go in there.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41"Something's happened to Mummy after her Activia yoghurt.
0:06:41 > 0:06:48"I'm serious, children. Just brush your teeth at school today.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51"That really is quite something. I'm going to weigh myself.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54"That was an unbelievable occurrence. Thank you, Activia."
0:06:54 > 0:06:57There's something called the Snuggie that they advertise.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Have you seen this? This is a blanket that you wear, OK?
0:07:01 > 0:07:02People watching television in the day
0:07:02 > 0:07:04are spending so much time doing nothing
0:07:04 > 0:07:06that they're wearing blankets.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08It is a blanket with sleeves
0:07:08 > 0:07:10so that you can easily access things,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13without having to ever take the blanket off you,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15because it's chilly.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19You can be in bed at all times!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Lying on your DFS sofa, I assume.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26With your Activia yoghurt, listening to Michael Buble.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30He's advertised all day as well. Daytime viewers love Michael Buble.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33A lot of chafing as well, chafing gel.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35This advert is just a woman jumping.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37She's jumping, and you can clearly see
0:07:37 > 0:07:41that her legs are nowhere near one another, because chafing
0:07:41 > 0:07:43is when your legs rub against each other, yeah?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I think the advice is probably, if you lose weight,
0:07:46 > 0:07:50your legs will separate and work as independent things from one another.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53No, this is not the advice. The advice is to lubricate the area
0:07:53 > 0:07:55so that they can slide against each other
0:07:55 > 0:08:00as you walk in your Snuggie to the fridge to get your Activia yoghurt,
0:08:00 > 0:08:06and then return to your DFS sofa and continue listening to Michael Buble.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12TENA Lady as well. I didn't know what it was. I had to google it.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Women are pissing in their pants?
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Is it a condition? Is it voluntary?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Are they so comfortable in their Snuggies,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28lying on their DFS sofa?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Their favourite Buble track hasn't come on yet.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32"Oh, I'm dying for a pee.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34"I don't need to get up, thanks to my TENA Lady.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36"I can just pee here on the sofa.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38"The loo's out of bounds anyway
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"after the Activia situation half an hour ago."
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Is this really what's going on?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48These bloated, chafing, Snuggie-wearing,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50DFS sofa lying
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Buble listeners,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55surrounded by gold they haven't been bothered to cash yet?
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Is this what's going on?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01What is it with the gold? Is it news to people that gold is a commodity?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Are people sitting there going
0:09:03 > 0:09:06"You're telling me this bullion is actually worth something?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10"Give me an extra Snuggie. I'm going to go out and sell this!"
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Please don't think I'm being unnecessarily rude here.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16These people are only there because they've had an accident at work.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18That's what's led them to this unfortunate situation.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22I like the accident at work one. We enjoy that as a family.
0:09:22 > 0:09:29You can see the wet floor, but she can't. She's walking... "Aaagh!"
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Or the one that goes "And they gave me the wrong type of ladder!"
0:09:34 > 0:09:41I think if your job involves going up ladders, select your own ladder.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43"I'd like a ladder, please.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46"I don't trust my own judgment in ladder selection.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49"If you could pick whatever ladder you see fit for the task,
0:09:49 > 0:09:50"the one with wheels?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52"Yes, I'll take that...aaagh!"
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Ladies and gentlemen, here's my first guest of the night.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03We are in for a real treat.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07This is a fast-rising young woman to success.
0:10:07 > 0:10:12She's absolutely wonderful. You'll love her. Give all your love to Miss Andi Osho!
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Hello!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24All right?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27How are we doing? Are we well?
0:10:27 > 0:10:28You're looking good.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33It's lovely to be here in Leeds. I'm from Newham in east London,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36voted the third worst place to live in Britain!
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Woo!- Thank you very much. I'm quite proud.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43We beat Hackney - they only came fifth. Who's the daddy now?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46The daddy is someone being chased by the Child Support Agency.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54I'll give you an example of what Newham is like, OK?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57This happened on my local bus. The bus is crawling down the bus lane.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01There's a girl at the back of the bus. Now, I'm not judging
0:11:01 > 0:11:03but she was white and chavvy.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10What? That is the only social group that black people know for definite we can look down on.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Straight up.
0:11:17 > 0:11:22I look at chavvies and I say, "It's you bringing the house prices down, not us!"
0:11:24 > 0:11:28I'll tell you a couple of facts about chavvy types.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Fact number one. There are more chavs round my way...
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Number two...
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Yeah, that was it!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40They don't wear glasses.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Apart from little Ben in EastEnders, but he don't really count, bless him.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47And by the way, the woman that plays him is amazing!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Was she one of the Krankies? She's brilliant.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56No, they don't wear glasses.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59You'll never get a chavvy type round my way going,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02"Oi, mate! I'm gonna punch your face in."
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Seriously, you won't.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07The reason? There are no opticians in Newham.
0:12:07 > 0:12:13The closest you get to an optician round my way is someone going, "Oi, look where you're going!"
0:12:13 > 0:12:17That is our optician. I don't want to go back. I want someone to adopt me.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21You could adopt me. Do you want to see my "adopt me" face? It'll break your heart.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Just two pound a month.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29APPLAUSE
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Thing is...
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Thing is you just have to beat Madonna out of the way first though, eh?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38You know what I'm saying. Come on, we hate Madonna.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Look how much charity work she's had to do just to get us to like her.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43She's all over Africa. She's like malaria.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Still searching for a cure.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54Anyway, I'm on this bus. This is why Newham is the third worst place to live in Britain.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57We did try for second place, but Hull... Who knew?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Really? Now, right, so we're on the bus, right.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Bus is crawling down the bus lane, and this girl shouts out across the whole bus.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12She goes, "Oi, driver! Hurry up, mate! Some of us have gotta go to court, innit?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Then she looks around to include all of us in that.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Cos obviously we're all going to court.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25I was like, "Speak for yourself! I'm on bail."
0:13:26 > 0:13:31I'm guessing she's not the judge - maybe she is. Chantelle, QC.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33I can't see it myself.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Round our way it would be MC Chantelle, QC, thank you very much.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38She'll be there in court going,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- RAPS:- You're getting five years cos you mugged that old lady
0:13:41 > 0:13:44But if you're good and if you're lucky, then just maybe...
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Oi, oi, oi, right?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Buh, buh, buh!
0:13:51 > 0:13:55You're getting two weeks cos this system's bad crazy.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57All rise.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00You might get off though, bless her. Bless her heart.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I love the sound that, like, the MCers...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06It was on MCers records for a while.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08They always had that sort of, "Ho, ho, ho!"
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I always thought it sounds like an animal, right,
0:14:10 > 0:14:11but how did they decide that
0:14:11 > 0:14:14that was the animal sound that was going to go on all of their records?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Did they try other sounds out first?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Did they go into the studio and go, "Bro, Bro I've got an idea, right,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21"hit record, check this out, yeah?
0:14:21 > 0:14:22- RAPS:- "Check, one, two Respec' is overdue
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"To reggae music both old and new.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25"Miaow!"
0:14:27 > 0:14:28They should have at least tried it.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I'm really stupid though, I love stupid sounds.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34I love the stupid sounds that we used to make when we were little kids.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I wish we still did them now.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Like, who used to do this when they were little? Who went...
0:14:38 > 0:14:41"Ummm!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43"I'm telling!"
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Yeah?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Excellent, did you do that? Yeah?
0:14:46 > 0:14:47You grass.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51No-one likes a grass.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I think we should still do it now in our adult lives.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Like, so your mate calls you up, "Claire, it's me,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59"I've been having an affair, Darren doesn't suspect a thing!"
0:14:59 > 0:15:01And you just go, "Ummm!
0:15:01 > 0:15:03"I'm telling!"
0:15:03 > 0:15:05This is another one.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I used to do this when I was a little kid, who used to do this?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I used to go...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11"Ahhhhhhhhhh!"
0:15:11 > 0:15:13You'd have a competition with your brothers and sisters
0:15:13 > 0:15:15to see who could do it the longest.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18"You cheated, you breathed, "I'm telling mum."
0:15:18 > 0:15:19"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Some people know what I'm talking about.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Other people are just staring at me like, what is wrong with her?
0:15:26 > 0:15:30For people who don't know what I'm talking about, I'll tell you why, OK?
0:15:30 > 0:15:31You had toys.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36OK, the rest of us, we just had, "Ahhhhhhhh!"
0:15:36 > 0:15:37It was all we had.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40I want you guys to enjoy it.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43The people who don't know what I'm saying, I want you to enjoy this.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Bring this into your adult life. I'll tell you exactly when you use it, right.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51If you find yourself in a bit of an awkward, difficult situation,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53and you don't know what else to say, say that.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Picture the scene. Say someone comes up to you and goes,
0:15:56 > 0:16:00"Did you realise you were doing 40mph in a 30mph zone?"
0:16:00 > 0:16:02And you just turn around to them and just go...
0:16:02 > 0:16:10"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Do it, people.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Leeds, you've been absolutely delightful. Thanks! Good night!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Brilliant. Andi Osho, ladies and gentlemen!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Bravo! Come on!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40We love Andi Osho.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48I understand there's quite a lot of people here from Emmerdale. Right?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50CHEERING
0:16:51 > 0:16:53How's Emmerdale going?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56It's all right. Massive, Emmerdale.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58I love it. I love Emmerdale!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I love the dale. Emmerdale.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03How's Emma? Is she all right, Emma?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06How many of you are here?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- About 20.- 20?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11So there are 20 people here tonight who are in Emmerdale?
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Is there anyone left in Emmerdale?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Tomorrow's episode is going to be pretty boring!
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Just a few sheep going, "Where is everybody?"
0:17:23 > 0:17:26"They're at Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow."
0:17:27 > 0:17:29"Baa!"
0:17:32 > 0:17:34HUMS EMMERDALE THEME TUNE
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I've jazzed the music up. You should go with my version.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54You should have somebody dancing. The fields are so boring!
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Have me on the hill!
0:18:01 > 0:18:02Baa!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Oh, you're in Emmerdale, I know you, I've seen you.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13You're big in it. I've seen you in it.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Dale! Up 'dale!
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- What's the name of your character? - Andy.- Andy.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20It's Andy!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22CHEERING
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Andy's got guns, haven't you, Andy?
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Are you a ladies man, Andy?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Are their ladies in dales? Up Dale, down dale, come on!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35So tell me, Andy, what goes on?
0:18:35 > 0:18:39You'd been in the gym today? HE GRUNTS
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- You go to the gym? - No, I've been working today.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47I've been, I've been.
0:18:47 > 0:18:53They have this punchbag shaped like a man. Have you seen one of these.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56It's like a head and a torso and you punch and kick him.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00It's really good for fitness and I quite enjoy it as well.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Because you can punch it and it's not a real person.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06I said to the people at the gym, "Can I get one? I want one for my home."
0:19:06 > 0:19:08So he gave me the number for the sports equipment company
0:19:08 > 0:19:11and I called them and said, "Can I get one of those men that you punch?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14He said, "Do you want it in black or white?"
0:19:14 > 0:19:18Ooh, how exactly am I supposed to answer this question?!
0:19:19 > 0:19:24So I got both. I've got like an interracial gang in my house.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33# Dee-dee-dee-dee. #
0:19:33 > 0:19:35APPLAUSE
0:19:42 > 0:19:46OK, ladies and gentlemen. It's time to welcome my next guest!
0:19:48 > 0:19:53You are in for an absolute treat! This man has been an amazing comedian
0:19:53 > 0:19:54for as long as I can remember.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59It's such a pleasure to introduce him. Please welcome the fantastic, wonderful, glorious,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Mr Sean Collins is here!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- Hello. - WEAKLY:- Hello.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Don't worry. I'm Canadian but I've lived in England for five years.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I know that's pretty much the standard response to "Hello".
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Just stare at me till I cry.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I recently got back from Afghanistan.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34I did some shows for the British troops down there.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35CHEERING
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Thank you.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40One of my favourite stories about being down there
0:20:40 > 0:20:44was sitting outside one of the bases with five British soldiers
0:20:44 > 0:20:47after a show, helicopters, mortar fire and machine gun fire
0:20:47 > 0:20:49in the distance, and one of the soldiers said to me,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51"Where are you performing when you get back to England?"
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I said, "The first show I'm doing is in Nottingham."
0:20:53 > 0:20:56One of the other soldiers looked at me and said,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58"It's really dangerous up there, mate."
0:21:03 > 0:21:07"You keep your head down when you're in Nottingham, son."
0:21:07 > 0:21:09I love your country so much.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13And quite frankly, it's because things don't work here.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16And you guys don't seem to care.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20That is the greatest attitude to have.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23The trains in this country are the worst on the planet.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I've never seen anything like it.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28What advantage is that to you guys? Well, it's simple.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32You have the 2012 Olympics and you're going to win medals
0:21:32 > 0:21:35cos other countries won't be able to get to the stadium.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Picture a poor long-distance runner from Kenya
0:21:38 > 0:21:40sitting on a replacement bus in Slough!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Stadium? Not today.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Shouldn't have had your event on a Sunday.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54It's still one of my favourite things to do.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Go to a train station on Sunday
0:21:56 > 0:21:58and watch foreigners buy train tickets.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01The look on their face when they're getting ushered onto a bus!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07It's hilarious. It's the only country
0:22:07 > 0:22:10where you can change the mode of transportation on somebody.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14You see them staring at their train ticket for a second.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17They look at the guy who's really unhappy that that's his job.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20"But I have a train ticket."
0:22:20 > 0:22:22"Get on the bus."
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I got out of London.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34I got burgled four times in 18 months, living in London.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- Woo!- Yeah. Thank you(!)
0:22:39 > 0:22:41We finally got out. Couldn't handle it.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I hate watching CSI programmes, too.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Anybody who watches CSI and thinks they're real,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49deal with the detectives in this country.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52The detective came the first time we got burgled and said,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55"We're probably not going to catch him."
0:22:57 > 0:23:00"Thanks for stopping by, Columbo! That's great!"
0:23:03 > 0:23:09And when we got burgled the fourth time, the same detective looked at me and went, "Told you."
0:23:11 > 0:23:14There's a law here that they go back and forth on,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17what you should be allowed to do to a burglar,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20should you be allowed to kill a burglar that enters your home.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I can tell you my feelings have changed now.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Not only should you be allowed to kill a burglar,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28you should be allowed to do it at your own pace.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I would love a burglar to break into my place
0:23:31 > 0:23:33and I'm just sitting there with a shotgun.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36"Are you going to kill me?" "Not yet.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40"You have some gardening to do first."
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I think every woman should punch their man in the face
0:23:49 > 0:23:51from time to time. Absolutely.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54CHEERING
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Why not? We're going to make a mistake eventually.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02We'd much rather you punch us than talk.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Women are far better fighters than men. You use emotions we don't use.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Men just get mad and punch each other.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Women, you're like Jedis when you fight.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17My ex punched me in the face.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21My head turned, I could feel the blood trickling out of my nose.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23This is when she got smarter than me.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25By the time I turned back, she was crying.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Well, that's absolutely brilliant, isn't it(?)
0:24:30 > 0:24:33I said, "What are you crying for?" And this is when she got genius.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36She said, "I can't believe you made me
0:24:36 > 0:24:39"so angry I punched you in the face!"
0:24:39 > 0:24:41You know what I said? "Sorry!"
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Anyways, Leeds, thank you so much.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53You've been wonderful. See you later. Bye.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Well done. Fantastic.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Sean Collins, ladies and gentlemen!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00What a night we're having!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06People from Emmerdale, did you enjoy the first half?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Yeah!
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Did you enjoy the first half,
0:25:09 > 0:25:13man in green T-shirt who refuses to respond to anything?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15"I'll let others respond to these questions!"
0:25:15 > 0:25:17What is your name?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Michael.- Hello, Michael.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- So where are you from, Michael? - Burnley.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24What do you do in Burnley?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26What do you mean, what do I do?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28What do I mean, what do you do?
0:25:30 > 0:25:34We are involved in small talk, not a confrontation!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I'll have a conversation to show you...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41LAUGHTER
0:25:41 > 0:25:45..the conversation we're about to have. Hello, Jane McDonald.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50- What do you do?- I'm a TV presenter. - A TV presenter!
0:25:52 > 0:25:57- Hello, Mike. What do you do? - TV presenter.- TV presenter!
0:25:57 > 0:26:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:07 > 0:26:09You're not supposed to literally say that.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13You're supposed to apply the question to your own life!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15But Mike, technically you are right.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I gave you an example of how that works
0:26:20 > 0:26:22and you followed it exactly how I showed you.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- Pauline Quirke, what do you do? - I'm an actress.- You're an actress?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35You see, she's given her own...
0:26:35 > 0:26:37She's involved her own lifestyle in the question.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Hello, Mike. What do you do?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42A production manager in an automotive company.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46There you go, a production manager in an automotive company. Come on!
0:26:46 > 0:26:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Does it always take so long when you're filling in forms?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Do you always have to go through Jane McDonald and Pauline Quirke?
0:26:58 > 0:27:02"What occupation? Can you get Jane McDonald on t'phone?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04"And Pauline Quirk, please?"
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Thank you, Mike. I think we're getting on a lot better.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Ladies and gentlemen, ready for our next guest?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13CHEERING
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I'm so excited to see him. He's making a name for himself, well deserved.
0:27:16 > 0:27:21Please welcome to the stage the fantastic Mr Jack Whitehall is here!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Good evening, Leeds!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Hello!
0:27:35 > 0:27:39So, yes, I'm Jack. I'm 22 years old
0:27:39 > 0:27:42and I'm ashamed to say I still live with my parents.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Which is very hard, because my dad is very old.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47He's 70 years old, very old-fashioned.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I say old-fashioned - racist!
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Not proper racist. He's not like Nick Griffin.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Nick Griffin, who I have decided is a terrible person,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59but does make very entertaining television.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02The proof is in the little racist pudding.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05More people tuned in to watch Nick Griffin
0:28:05 > 0:28:08when he was on Question Time than have ever bothered to watch
0:28:08 > 0:28:12an episode of that show in the history of the programme.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15It made me think, "I reckon a couple more of these shows
0:28:15 > 0:28:19"with dwindling viewing figures? Play the Nick Griffin card!"
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Weakest Link, that's boring as shit.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24But put Nick Griffin on and I'll watch it!
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Who are you voting for this week, Nick?
0:28:26 > 0:28:29"I'm going to vote for Narinder." Why?
0:28:29 > 0:28:32"Because she's..." That's all we've got time for.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35It's hard living at home.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Basically, I've always been a bit of a mummy's boy. I can't help it.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42When I was younger, I wished my mum had made me play sport.
0:28:42 > 0:28:46I wish I'd been good at sport. But my mum let me do what I want.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48And look at me now. I'm 22 years old.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52Can I play sport to a level where I earn thousands a week? No.
0:28:52 > 0:28:53Can I play football to a level
0:28:53 > 0:28:56where I get to date one of Girls Aloud? No!
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Do you know what I can play?
0:28:58 > 0:29:02I can play recorder to grade level seven.
0:29:02 > 0:29:07Do you realise how little sexy time you get from playing Frere Jacques? Very little.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11My mum lied to me. She said, "Women love a musician."
0:29:11 > 0:29:12Not a recorderist!
0:29:12 > 0:29:17The only way I'll get a girl into bed using the recorder is to knock her out with it.
0:29:20 > 0:29:25I found school very hard. A lot of stuff we were taught at school was pointless.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28The worst one was French, right?
0:29:28 > 0:29:30I was taught French to the age of 16.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33I gave it up. I forgot all the French I was taught - other than one phrase.
0:29:33 > 0:29:38One phrase that is ingrained into my memory that I will never be able to dispel.
0:29:38 > 0:29:42And that is the phrase, "Ou est la piscine dans La Rochelle?"
0:29:42 > 0:29:46Yeah. Cos the text book used in UK schools for the past 30 years
0:29:46 > 0:29:50is a text book called Tricolor.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Now, the geniuses at Tricolor
0:29:53 > 0:29:56decided to set every hypothetical scenario,
0:29:56 > 0:29:58where you have to ask for directions,
0:29:58 > 0:30:01in a town called La Rochelle.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03I researched La Rochelle recently.
0:30:03 > 0:30:08It's a northern industrial town in France with a population of 32,000.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11Which is half of Grimsby! I doubt they even have a swimming pool,
0:30:11 > 0:30:13but we all know how to get there!
0:30:13 > 0:30:16And why? Cos the French were screwing with us.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19They had their little meeting. Christophe, Pierre,
0:30:19 > 0:30:22"Where should we set the text book for the English tourists?"
0:30:22 > 0:30:26"What about Paris? Let's set the book in Paris."
0:30:26 > 0:30:31"I live in Paris! I do not want the English pig-dogs,
0:30:31 > 0:30:35'J'adore le cabaret' pieces of shit in my town!
0:30:35 > 0:30:40"Find somewhere else." "What about Marseille, a popular destination in le sud de la France?"
0:30:40 > 0:30:42"Non, non, non, non, non!
0:30:42 > 0:30:46"I have friends and famille that live in Marseille.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49"I do not want Barry and Richard on their holiday,
0:30:49 > 0:30:52"asking for directions to my mother's bibliotheque!
0:30:52 > 0:30:55"We need to find another town."
0:30:55 > 0:30:58"May I ask, Christophe, Pierre,
0:30:58 > 0:31:01and those people here with a stereotypical French name,
0:31:01 > 0:31:05"including you, Jean-Paul, does anybody live in the town of La Rochelle?"
0:31:05 > 0:31:07"No, of course! No-one lives in La Rochelle!
0:31:07 > 0:31:10"It has a population of cinq personnes,
0:31:10 > 0:31:14"the only place in France that does not have a swimming pool!"
0:31:16 > 0:31:20What we need to do is get our own back on the French kids.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24We need to set them a text book that is set in Crewe. Yeah!
0:31:24 > 0:31:29Let's see how they like that when they come over here with their poxy little English!
0:31:29 > 0:31:31Christophe, Christophe, vois ici!
0:31:31 > 0:31:35"Excuse me, sir. Bonjour. Do you have any directions..."
0:31:35 > 0:31:42"Aye. You and your little friend can turn around and you can piss off!"
0:31:51 > 0:31:53I get very annoyed by advertising.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55I think the worst adverts by far on television
0:31:55 > 0:31:58are the government adverts you get.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00They're always very aggressive,
0:32:00 > 0:32:03but always for the most menial crimes.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07It's always for TV licences, or, "Video piracy is a crime.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09"You could end up in jail."
0:32:09 > 0:32:11It's not a real crime, is it?
0:32:11 > 0:32:14Are you telling me that if went down to my local prison,
0:32:14 > 0:32:17I'd overhear conversations in jail cells between cellmates
0:32:17 > 0:32:20getting to know each other. "So, what are you in here for?"
0:32:20 > 0:32:22"I murdered my family in their sleep,
0:32:22 > 0:32:25"smothered my own parents to death with my bare hands!"
0:32:25 > 0:32:27"What about you, pretty boy?"
0:32:29 > 0:32:33"I recorded the Harry Potter film on my Sony Ericsson.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35"Do you like quidditch?
0:32:37 > 0:32:39It seems the more aggressive the advert,
0:32:39 > 0:32:42the more menial the crime is.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44You turn it on and it's, "Look at you! You're pathetic!
0:32:44 > 0:32:48"You are worse than a sex offender! I hate you, everybody hates you!
0:32:48 > 0:32:50"I hope you get cholera! It's a criminal offence.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53"You could end up in jail with a maximum prison sentence of 25 years!
0:32:53 > 0:32:55"All your family and loved ones will be hating you
0:32:55 > 0:32:58"and wishing you suffered from a degenerative disease!""
0:32:58 > 0:33:00EXPLOSION EFFECTS
0:33:00 > 0:33:03"Don't fish without a rod license!"
0:33:07 > 0:33:10You guys have been absolutely wonderful.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13I've been Jack Whitehall. Thank you. Good night!
0:33:17 > 0:33:21Fantastic. Jack Whitehall, ladies and gentlemen. We love him!
0:33:21 > 0:33:23APPLAUSE
0:33:26 > 0:33:28I've seen the football, Leeds football.
0:33:28 > 0:33:33How does the chant go? We are Leeds! We are Leeds!
0:33:33 > 0:33:37I love the way you have to remind yourselves which team you're supporting!
0:33:37 > 0:33:41"We are Leeds! Which one are we again?" "I just said - we are Leeds.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44"Listen to the others! We are Leeds!"
0:33:44 > 0:33:48You're the only supporters to have answered the question, "Who are ya?"
0:33:48 > 0:33:52"We are Leeds! I've been saying this all t'first half!"
0:33:55 > 0:33:58We've had an amazing night and it's going to get better.
0:33:58 > 0:34:02Let me introduce, ladies and gentlemen, our headline act!
0:34:02 > 0:34:05CHEERING
0:34:05 > 0:34:10Without a doubt one of the country's leading comedians, someone I've admired for years,
0:34:10 > 0:34:15please enjoy him, the wonderful Ardal O'Hanlon is here!
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Ah, now.
0:34:27 > 0:34:32Leeds, that's a little bit over the top there, ladies and gentlemen.
0:34:32 > 0:34:33But very welcome, I have to say.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36Thank you so much for that. Whatever happens next,
0:34:36 > 0:34:40I'm going to look back on tonight as a great success.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43My name is Ardal, by the way. It's a real name.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46People are always asking me, "What sort of a name is Ardal?"
0:34:46 > 0:34:48In quite a hostile way, sometimes.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50"What sort of a name is Ardal?"
0:34:50 > 0:34:55As if I picked it. As if I enjoyed being called "Ardal, the dardle, the big fat mardle" all my life!
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Did I like it? No, I didn't.
0:34:58 > 0:35:02The truth is, my parents named me after a village in Norway. This is true.
0:35:02 > 0:35:07It's best known for an aluminium plant and has been linked with a serious outbreak of Alzheimer's.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10They've a very weird sense of humour, my parents.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13Called me after an environmental disaster zone.
0:35:13 > 0:35:19I'm just being paranoid, according to my brothers, Chernobyl and Hiroshima.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28I had a really embarrassing incident this week.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31I was on a train and I offered my seat to a woman.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34I started talking to her. She didn't like that,
0:35:34 > 0:35:37but I gave her my seat, so the least she could do was have a chat.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40And I said to her, I said, "When are you due?"
0:35:40 > 0:35:44Of course, I probably shouldn't have said that. It wasn't the first time.
0:35:44 > 0:35:49And she looked at me with horror. She wasn't pregnant, she was just a bit fat.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52But quick as a flash, I covered my tracks.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55I said, "When are you due another snack?" So...
0:36:02 > 0:36:06It's brilliant to be here in Leeds. I have to tell you that.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09Last weekend was pretty traumatic. I was home in Dublin.
0:36:09 > 0:36:13We were having a family meeting, my brothers and sisters and I.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16It was a meeting we'd been putting off for a very long time.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19It was the "What are we going to do with Mammy?" meeting.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22I don't know if any of you have had that one yet.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Since the accident, she spends all day looking through the window.
0:36:25 > 0:36:29I wanted to let her in, but they were having none of it.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35That's the sort of people I grew up with.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38So, that's what's going on.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40I should warn you, ladies and gentlemen,
0:36:40 > 0:36:42due to very harsh economic conditions everywhere,
0:36:42 > 0:36:45I've had to cut the number of jokes in my set tonight.
0:36:45 > 0:36:46I apologise for that.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49I've had to let all my joke writers go
0:36:49 > 0:36:52and outsource the whole operation to India.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54That's the way it's going, so most of my current material
0:36:54 > 0:36:56is about arranged marriages
0:36:56 > 0:36:59and the perils of bathing in the Ganges.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01I'm not sure how it will fare in Leeds,
0:37:01 > 0:37:05but I'm a big hit in Mumbai, so that's something.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07Sanjeev actually wrote that bit.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10And that bit, so he's getting the hang of it.
0:37:10 > 0:37:14I think it's very important that we all look on the bright side,
0:37:14 > 0:37:18ladies and gentlemen. Going forward, we must be positive.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21One advantage of the recession is that obese people
0:37:21 > 0:37:23aren't getting a hard time anymore. You don't read so much about it
0:37:23 > 0:37:25or anything. Everyone's thinking,
0:37:25 > 0:37:29"Oh, they're the clever ones. Putting it all away for a rainy day."
0:37:31 > 0:37:33Mind you, I was reading in the newspaper that on some
0:37:33 > 0:37:36American airlines, they're charging obese people for two seats.
0:37:36 > 0:37:37Can you believe that?
0:37:37 > 0:37:39That's just a bit mean, isn't it?
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Ryanair, crafty as ever, they're on the case as well.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44They're charging schizophrenics for two seats.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49They always go too far, don't they? Did you hear the latest ruse?
0:37:49 > 0:37:52They're charging for emotional baggage now. I kid you not!
0:37:52 > 0:37:53When will it stop?
0:37:55 > 0:37:58We've got to try and be positive. My father was an incredibly upbeat man.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01He was one of these people who say the best way to be positive
0:38:01 > 0:38:03is to live every day as if it's your last day on earth.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05It's good advice, isn't it?
0:38:05 > 0:38:08What I do is I spend all day in bed with an oxygen mask
0:38:08 > 0:38:09and some rosary beads.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11You should try that.
0:38:11 > 0:38:15It's not easy to be positive, ladies and gentlemen.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17I'm a Catholic. It's not easy being a Catholic nowadays.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20I mean, it was never easy being a Catholic,
0:38:20 > 0:38:23but now with all the scandals worldwide, it's horrendous.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26I think the Pope should resign. I think the cardinals should resign
0:38:26 > 0:38:29and I think God himself should seriously consider his position at this stage.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32I mean, he must've known what was going on.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34He should quit and be replaced
0:38:34 > 0:38:36by one of the Hindu fellas with all the arms and the legs.
0:38:36 > 0:38:41Sanjeev assured me that would get a bit of a titter.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44It's terrible, you can't have any association with the church.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47You can't even admit to being a fictional priest anymore,
0:38:47 > 0:38:48that's what I find personally.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54I don't say this lightly,
0:38:54 > 0:38:56but I think the Pope is a big, fat liar. He is!
0:38:56 > 0:38:58You just know when he's apologising to the faithful,
0:38:58 > 0:39:01he's hiding another priest under his cassock.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03You just know that!
0:39:03 > 0:39:06Even the word cassock, it's an anagram of ass and cock.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10That's how depraved! That's how depraved they are!
0:39:13 > 0:39:17I think the truth is, things are pretty grim everywhere.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19We've all got to tighten our belts now, don't we?
0:39:19 > 0:39:21I went to a restaurant with my wife the other night.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23I have a wife, hooray!
0:39:23 > 0:39:26Wives are great. We went down to a restaurant for an argument.
0:39:26 > 0:39:27We were there for a little while.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32Some of you who have wives know what I'm talking about.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35It was the anniversary of our first argument
0:39:35 > 0:39:36and we were there for a while.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39She had a starter and I didn't bother myself,
0:39:39 > 0:39:40and then we went home.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43On the way out, I took a huge, big handful of mints
0:39:43 > 0:39:48and an extra coat, so it turned out to be a pretty good night after all.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51There are so many manly things that I cannot do.
0:39:51 > 0:39:55I can't even open a bra with any sort of competence or distinction.
0:39:55 > 0:39:59That's something all men should be able to do from an early age.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03Open a bra. Women appreciate a bit of dexterity in that department.
0:40:03 > 0:40:08If you don't have a girlfriend, ask a friend to put on a bra, and practise on him.
0:40:08 > 0:40:12It's important. Women hate all the awkward fumbling. "Oh, God, I'll do it myself!"
0:40:12 > 0:40:15Then, of course, the magic is gone.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17My wife knows all she has to do is wear a bra
0:40:17 > 0:40:19and she's safe from my advances.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22Two bras and another set of knickers and she's inviolate!
0:40:22 > 0:40:27Sometimes, she slings a bra across the front door and I can't even get into the house!
0:40:31 > 0:40:33She keeps all her money in her bra.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35And her biscuits.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42But making love is not an unpleasant activity
0:40:42 > 0:40:44if memory serves me correctly.
0:40:44 > 0:40:48But as a term, it leaves a lot to be desired. "Making love."
0:40:48 > 0:40:51It just sounds a little bit insipid.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54It doesn't describe the act effectively. "How did it go last night?"
0:40:54 > 0:40:58"We made love and then we watched Location, Location, Location.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00"A great night."
0:41:00 > 0:41:04When lads are together, the language is more robust, more effective.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06"How did you get on last night?"
0:41:06 > 0:41:08"Ohhh! Ohhh!
0:41:08 > 0:41:14"I screwed her. I nailed her. I drilled her." All DIY terminology.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17"I sanded her down, so I did.
0:41:17 > 0:41:21"I primed her, I applied two coats and I let her dry."
0:41:25 > 0:41:27There are plenty of euphemisms for this activity.
0:41:27 > 0:41:31Doesn't have to be DIY. "Oh, she was leaking and I sorted that out."
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Maybe not that one!
0:41:34 > 0:41:36You know what I mean.
0:41:36 > 0:41:40The most important time of the day for anyone who's in a relationship
0:41:40 > 0:41:43is the first half hour before you get into bed in the evening.
0:41:43 > 0:41:48All of us live busy lives. This is the chance to catch up on the day's events.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50Discuss your hopes and your dreams for the future.
0:41:50 > 0:41:54And to blame each other for stuff that went wrong earlier on!
0:41:54 > 0:41:57It's a great opportunity to touch each other.
0:41:57 > 0:42:01Maybe not like that - that won't get you very far! "Stop it, you freak!"
0:42:03 > 0:42:06It's an important time. Don't squander it.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09It's also the time of the day when my wife texts everyone she knows.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12It's infuriating. It goes on for hours.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15The only way I can get her attention in bed is by text!
0:42:15 > 0:42:18"Move over. You've got the whole duvet!"
0:42:19 > 0:42:22Then I get a text back. "Who is this?"
0:42:26 > 0:42:29So I'm having an affair at the moment.
0:42:31 > 0:42:35With my wife, I should stress. We're both very lazy. It's a game we play.
0:42:35 > 0:42:39Something I'll share with you that you can use in your lives if you need it.
0:42:39 > 0:42:44I arrive home on Tuesday afternoon, pretending to be my wife's secret lover.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47I'm wearing a cravat and clogs and special leggings.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49We got to the bedroom and take our clothes off.
0:42:49 > 0:42:52She goes, "We shouldn't!" And I go, "We should!"
0:42:52 > 0:42:55And then this good friend of ours, Tony, calls around,
0:42:55 > 0:42:57pretending to be my wife's husband.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00And... Yeah...
0:43:00 > 0:43:03I have to very quickly put on all my clothes
0:43:03 > 0:43:06and climb out the window and stay away for about three hours.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14But I'm not a fool.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16Ladies and gentlemen, that's all from me.
0:43:16 > 0:43:20Thanks very much for listening to me and good night. Thank you. Cheers.
0:43:25 > 0:43:28Ardal O'Hanlon, ladies and gentlemen!
0:43:29 > 0:43:33Fantastic! That concludes tonight's entertainment.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36Please give it up for all our wonderful acts.
0:43:36 > 0:43:40The fantastic Mr Jack Whitehall.
0:43:40 > 0:43:43The glorious Sean Collins was here.
0:43:43 > 0:43:48Fantastic, wasn't she amazing, Andi Osho!
0:43:48 > 0:43:50We love Andi Osho.
0:43:50 > 0:43:53And the sensational Ardal O'Hanlon!
0:43:53 > 0:43:55Thank you very much! Goodbye, Leeds!
0:44:12 > 0:44:15Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd