0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hello to you and thanks for joining. This is exciting, isn't it? Eh?
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Now, let me get you up to speed.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Previously in my life, my mother tried to marry me off...
0:00:10 > 0:00:16LOUDSPEAKER: Someone please marry my daughter.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18I'm not asking for money.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21I'm literally giving her away.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23LAUGHTER
0:00:23 > 0:00:27She was upset because I'd just told her how I blew my inheritance.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29I bought a joke shop.
0:00:29 > 0:00:35No, I love it. Although I am worried that hiring my oldest friend to manage it was a mistake.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38And that is how we will take this franchise global.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40It's a bit much, isn't it?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I mean, we're just a little shop that sells...
0:00:43 > 0:00:44SQUEAKING
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Shush and submit.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49KLAXON SOUNDS
0:00:50 > 0:00:56And today I'm over-excited because apparently Gary Preston's back from his travels. He's lovely.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58But I always make a cockup if I see him.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Well, there's never any cockup involved, if you see what I mean.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04How naughty!
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Oh, but the last time I saw him...
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Got to dance to this one.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18# Stop right now thank you very much
0:01:18 > 0:01:22# I need somebody with a human touch
0:01:22 > 0:01:25# Hey you, always on the run
0:01:25 > 0:01:29# Got to slow it down baby, got to have some fun. #
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Say nothing.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41We'll speak no more of and let's crack on with the show.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54- Morning, Stevie.- Afternoon.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57It's nearly lunchtime.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Oh, the trains are a nightmare. It was a hellish journey.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01You live upstairs.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05There were leaves on the carpet.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08That's a good one. What's up with you?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10It's delivery day!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Right, you can make a start with the chocolate penises.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Pff!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Sorry. Every time!
0:02:17 > 0:02:19They're like willies, but chocolate.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Stevie, they're funny. They're like willies but chocolate.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Nothing from you.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Quite realistic, aren't they? - Not really, no.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Aren't they?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Can we just concentrate?
0:02:36 > 0:02:41But it's nearly lunchtime. I'm meant to be having a reunion lunch with the girls.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43You hate the girls.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44I know. But as Tilly says,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47when you're dumped in a boarding school dorm aged nine,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50you'll bond for life, even if you hate each other.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Or in my case, get embarrassed being out with people with public school nicknames.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59In my class, Milly, Tilly, Bella, Bunty, Hootie, Pussy, Puggle and Podge.
0:02:59 > 0:03:05- No, you're right. I'm not going. - Good girlie. Work, not shirk. Or do you want our business to fold?
0:03:05 > 0:03:06My business.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Right, I'll get it.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Could you sign there, please?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15There you go, sir.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17LAUGHTER
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Did he just call me sir?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26He just called me sir.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28It's fine when they're not really looking,
0:03:28 > 0:03:32notice the height, call me sir, look up, "Oh sorry, madam". That happens.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37He looked straight at me, still thought sir was the right option.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Right, that's it. As a girl, I am going to my girlie lunch.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Tell you what, why don't you get these out?
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Honk! Honk!
0:03:46 > 0:03:47That might help.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Miranda.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Good morning, Mum. How are you?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Are you engaged yet?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Not since you asked last night, no.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- And I said "Good morning, Mum. How are you?"- Don't get emotional.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01We're not Spanish.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04So, news just in.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Call me Fiona Bruce.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07BOTH: Fiona Bruce.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Benji has at last split up from that ghastly fish woman.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Right, I've said it before, I will say it again.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- I'm not marrying my cousin. - It didn't stop Uncle John and Aunt Liz. They're very happy.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Yes, but their son isn't.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Far too fussy.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27This is Surrey. No-one minds.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Such fun.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32This isn't our delivery. This is a load of baby stuff.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34This very much needs sorting out.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Right. I'm off.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Well, my lunch is very important.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43It's what us elegant girls about town do.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Don't you mean elephant girls?
0:04:45 > 0:04:49I amuse myself.
0:04:49 > 0:04:54Well, at least I'm not too small that I can't get on all the rides at Thorpe Park.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Well, at least I don't have to go to specialist clothes shops.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- Where are those jeans from? - (Big And...)- Sorry?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Big And Long.- Yes.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Well, doesn't mean I can't be feminine.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Look at that. Yeah, working it.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18It's all about the recovery.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24APPLAUSE
0:05:28 > 0:05:31How can a man think a woman is a man?
0:05:31 > 0:05:37I mean, I do have a penis, but that's chocolate. Actually...
0:05:37 > 0:05:40That would look wrong in public, wouldn't it? Em...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:50 > 0:05:52No way. It's Gary Preston.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56OK. Calm. Compose myself.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Smile.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08Miranda? Hi. How are you?
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Are you OK?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13You look like you're in pain.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17No, no, I'm fine.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19It's just trapped wind.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Ah, that's better.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30So, Gary, what are you doing here?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33I work here. I'm the new chef. Started last week.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- Oh, wow, my shop's next door. - No way!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38It's great to see you. It's been ages.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Have you been eating chocolate?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Well...
0:06:52 > 0:06:55To be precise, it's actually coc...co...cockolate!
0:06:55 > 0:06:59So, how was Malaysia?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Yeah, great. It's good to be back, though.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- Really?- Well, you know, you can have too much fun.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Thought I'd come back and settle down. Be sensible.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Joined a gym yesterday.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09The one round the corner?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- Yeah, do you go?- Loads.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Never.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Yeah, no, I'm really into keeping fit, Gary.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- Great. What's your sport?- Gymnastics.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25That's it.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27I'll work with that. I am a gymnast, Gary.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- Wow.- Wow indeed. I mainly do ribbons.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:41You might have seen me at the last Olympics, actually.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Although I wasn't on telly much
0:07:42 > 0:07:46cos you will have noticed that a lot of gymnasts are quite manly,
0:07:46 > 0:07:47have no curves or breasts.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50That's one category, not mine. I'm in the bustier section.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53It's less televised.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56It's only in widescreen.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Gymnasts, busty is the category.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06(What am I doing?)
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Right.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Right. Good. Well, I'd better get back to work.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17The new job and everything. Let's catch up soon.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- Great. Lovely.- OK.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Well, that all went very well, I thought.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Luckily I enjoy living alone.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36APPLAUSE
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- Carl...- Can't talk now. I'm working.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Oh, wish me luck. Girls' lunch.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I have to go. Here she is. Oh, look.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52- Utmost curiosity!- Tilly. - Best B forever.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53THEY SCREAM
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Kissingtons.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58BOTH: Mwah!
0:08:58 > 0:08:59- And...- Fanny!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Queen Kong.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03I prefer Miranda, if that's OK.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Oh, no, it has to be Queen Kong.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07You look exactly the same.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09You're the Empress of Kong.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13You're Kongoleezza Rice.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17TEXT MESSAGE ALERT Oh, hang on. Bear with. Bear with.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Bear with.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Back.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28So, what's new?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Well...
0:09:30 > 0:09:31TILLY SCREAMS
0:09:31 > 0:09:33FANNY SCREAMS
0:09:33 > 0:09:34MIRANDA SCREAMS
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- Oh, hideola.- Poor Kongers.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43No, I'm really pleased for you both.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Marriage and babies, it's not for me.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47It's only what my mother wants.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- Seriously, though, is your mother coping OK?- She's fine.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52SHE SOBS
0:09:57 > 0:10:01So, Queen Kong, we're arranging this shopping bonanza.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Oh, girls' shopping trip, yay!
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Will you come with? Marvellismos!
0:10:07 > 0:10:12I've only got limited windows, so I think we should probably go somewhere boutiquey, quite small...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14TILLY AND FANNY MUMBLE
0:10:29 > 0:10:33So, I suggest we meet just there tomorrow afternoon,
0:10:33 > 0:10:34shall we say four?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Brillo pads!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Where are we going? I didn't quite catch it.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Wedding dress shopping.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Kill me!
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Right, ladies.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47What can I get for you? Madam?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Madam! Brilliant, thanks, Gary.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59I won't stop! Stevie, Stevie!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01A little bit busy!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- I just saw Gary, he's working next door.- No way! And?
0:11:04 > 0:11:08I told him I was an Olympic gymnast.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13- Why?- You know when you get nervous socially, you end up lying to impress?- No.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Exactly, we all do it.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18So, what's going on in here?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20They haven't taken the baby stuff back.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I've been on hold for over an hour. Listen to the hold music.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26BANJO MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:26 > 0:11:30It's continuous. I'm going insane. And we've had a double delivery of chocolate penii.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Pfff!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33KLAXON SOUNDS
0:11:34 > 0:11:36You've never known how to have fun.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Well, some of us like to focus on work.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Get round here and help me tidy tidy, please.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44You can't get these in... Oh!
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- Before you put the lid on.- Oh!
0:11:48 > 0:11:52It's quite a nice shock though, isn't it?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- Hello. - THEY SCREAM
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. - That's fine, Gary.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02You remember Stevie? Stevie, it's Gary.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05We thought you'd come out of Miranda's box.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Wow, you seem busy.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Things are obviously going well.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17Yeah, yeah. Put simply, I'm deeply successful. So, look around.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21So, I'm a cock magnet. Shoot me.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26Look, I just popped in to ask, you're not with anybody, or married or anything at the moment?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Yep, yep, of course, yeah.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Oh, really? Kids?- Yeah, got two.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33There's Orlando...
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Orlando and, er...
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Bloom.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41You?
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- No, still single.- Me too.- You just said you're married?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Divorced now.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48And the kids?
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Dead.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Really? What happened?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54They froze.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59They froze to death, Gary.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01It's a funny story, actually.
0:13:01 > 0:13:08Not funny, ha ha. But, funny in that it's almost unbelievable.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13We were on holiday in the Himalayas at the base camp of Everest, and they were just running
0:13:13 > 0:13:20around in shorts and T-shirt, and I kept saying, "Put your coat on, you'll catch your death!"
0:13:20 > 0:13:22And they did.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- None of that's true, is it?- No.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30You know when you get nervous socially and you end up lying to impress?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- No.- Exactly, we all do it.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37- Right, well, I just wanted to ask, do you fancy...?- Yes.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I haven't said anything.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40I'll do whatever.
0:13:42 > 0:13:47Do you fancy grabbing a bite later? I'm not working, it would be good to catch up.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49We could go to the restaurant, free food.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Don't worry, it's not a date, it's just a thing.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- INDIAN ACCENT:- I do like, I do like very much!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Why am I doing an Indian accent?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Cool, great. I'll pop in when I've finished my shift.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Great, OK.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Ciao.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Froze to death?!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Orlando and Bloom?!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I've got a date! I've got a date!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I've got a date!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Oh, what to do?
0:14:23 > 0:14:24OK, what would the girls do?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Shopping, of course. Something to wear.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I'll Trinny and Susannah myself.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33I couldn't do it with them, because I'd have to punch them in the face.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I hate those kind of programmes.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40"Welcome to I'm OK, You're Obese."
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I know what I'd do if I had one of those shows.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47Excuse me, hello?
0:14:47 > 0:14:52Right, let's have a look at you. Well, I wouldn't wear that top, but you look comfortable, are you?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53- Yes.- Do you like it?
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- Yeah.- Do you care that others may not like it?- No.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Brilliant, then wear that then, bye.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Come on, come on. This is going really well.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03APPLAUSE
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Where are you going?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10I've got to get something to wear.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15How often do I have a date? Never, it's my first one.
0:15:15 > 0:15:20First one of the many others I have also had.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24- I thought he said it wasn't a date. - He said it was a thing, that's code for a date, isn't it?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Well, just don't scare Gary off, OK?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29And you can help me before you go shopping.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33We've had another delivery of baby stock, the hen night stock is still not here
0:15:33 > 0:15:39and I'm not enjoying telling the delivery company we're still missing fluffy handcuffs and love eggs.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Degrading, so no shoppy-shoppy until you tidy-tidy.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I'm fairly sure that's racist.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- I can see you! - That was your fault, get out.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Look, don't you want to achieve?
0:15:56 > 0:16:02I always think big, and then I think small. Heather Small.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03I ask myself...
0:16:03 > 0:16:07# What have you done today to make you feel proud? #
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- What are you going to say?- Fine, I'd say,
0:16:14 > 0:16:18"Heather, Heather Small, you were excellent on Strictly Come Dancing."
0:16:18 > 0:16:20She was, wasn't she?
0:16:20 > 0:16:25And today, I helped my lovely little friend by putting the boxes away.
0:16:25 > 0:16:31Thank you. And not in the kitchen/workstation/break area/my personal space.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Slash!
0:16:32 > 0:16:38- Good word. Sorry... Stevie, I wouldn't.- Good, because I wouldn't put them in your flat/...
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- Slash!- ..Personal space.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43No, exactly.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46So, I wouldn't do that to you.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Hi!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Forgot to say earlier,
0:16:59 > 0:17:03I'm just going to the baby shop to get a present for cousin Georgina's christening tomorrow.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Very anti-social to have it on what I call a weekday.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08It's a weekday.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11It's not just what you call a weekday.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14It is a weekday.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18That's such an annoying "what I call" phrase.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Shall I get you something to give them?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I didn't even know there was a christening.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29I don't know what I'm going to get them. Such an ugly baby.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Your father suggested a balaclava!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Such fun.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40Right, well I must dash, I'm off to meet someone for a spot of what I call tea.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42It is tea, it just is tea.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Stevie? I've tidy-tidied.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Right, clothes shops.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I've been to Big and Long, nothing.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Just because people are taller or bigger than average,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58why do we have to shop in patronisingly named places?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01What's next? Lanky and Sweaty?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Swallowers and Amazonians?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Huge and Gross?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Dress to 48 chest,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16shoes to 14...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Big sizes for once, perfect!
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Hi.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- Hi.- How can we help you?
0:18:30 > 0:18:35I'm looking for something flattering for me, and really feminine.
0:18:35 > 0:18:41Because, this might sound ridiculous but, I often get called "Sir".
0:18:41 > 0:18:43I know, embarrassing.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47And, I'm going out tonight and I really don't want it to happen then.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I hear you.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Right, let's have a look at you, shall we?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Well, you're naturally very feminine.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01You're lucky. Shapely, ladylike curves.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07As for these...
0:19:07 > 0:19:14Astonishing! I've seen quite a few in my time, but these are frankly something else.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- Thank you. - Nice hair, where did you get it?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- My father's side. - Oh, never heard of them.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24It's not going to take much.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Heads will turn, and not in a pointing and staring way.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33I always knew I could pull it off, but I just didn't know what clothes would suit me best.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Well there's no point in wearing jeans and T-shirt, is there? You might as well be a man!
0:19:37 > 0:19:42Well, let's sort you out for tonight, young lady!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Lady!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Stevie, I've got an outfit, are you ready?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Just give me a second.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- So, how do I look?- Hang on.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Oh sorry, I didn't realise we had anyone here.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09That is no problem.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Wow!
0:20:11 > 0:20:16- Can I just say, you look gorgeous. - Thank you.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20It is amazing, so feminine.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Oh, stop it. - Seriously, you could pass.
0:20:23 > 0:20:29Really? Pass? Brilliant. I passed.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Miranda, why are you dressed as a transvestite?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I'm so sorry. I thought...
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Just get out please.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47You know, don't worry,
0:20:47 > 0:20:52didn't he just say that you looked gorgeous and feminine?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55As a man, Stevie.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00For a man he thought I was gorgeous and feminine. A man.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03A man!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Are you laughing?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08There is nothing funny here.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13There isn't because I wear normal everyday clothes and get called "Sir".
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I actually make an effort, I am a transvestite.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Hi.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Hi.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Did we say it was fancy dress tonight?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32This isn't fancy dress.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Yes, it is fancy dress.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I was trying on our new range of...
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Transvestite costumes.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42How does that help?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I don't know,
0:21:44 > 0:21:46I don't know, I'm panicking.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47You're panicking?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53It'll be fine, just be yourself.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56What an appalling piece of advice.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Shall I come back?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Two seconds, I'll just get changed.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Miranda, I cannot believe you filled my personal space.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12This is not the time, that is not what it sounds.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I'll be two seconds.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I'll just get "chang-ee".
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- How did you end up being a chef? - Just picked it up when I was travelling.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38Worked in a lot of restaurants, really got into it. I've found what I want to do.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41That's great. Your parents must be pleased with that, how is your mum?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- Still frantically trying to find me a wife.- My mum is the same.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47What, trying to find you a wife?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Finding me a wife.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Just to be clear,
0:22:53 > 0:22:58she wants me to find a husband because I am a woman.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Right.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Exactly, it's not just marriage, it's the desperation to have kids.
0:23:06 > 0:23:11I know, I don't have that desperate urge to breed.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16I'm up here, if we did have that desperate urge to breed, we could...
0:23:17 > 0:23:19(Why?!)
0:23:22 > 0:23:23He's gone up.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31The number of woman who turn 30 and suddenly they're obsessed with babies.
0:23:31 > 0:23:36So boring. I have a fairly normal, healthy interest in children but...
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- It's getting late.- Bye.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53HORN BLARES
0:23:53 > 0:23:55You ruined my chances last night.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Turns out a flat full of baby stock isn't an aphrodisiac.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Gary was in your flat? Was he lost?
0:24:02 > 0:24:08Sorry. I just didn't think he'd come back and you shouldn't have put it all in my personal space.
0:24:08 > 0:24:13I'm sorry. Everything seems tidy-tidy in here now.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15They've finally picked up the extra penii.
0:24:15 > 0:24:21I've had a call from the baby shop and that stuff upstairs is theirs and they have got our hen night stuff.
0:24:21 > 0:24:27Miranda, you are in a street with some very dodgy businesses.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31That baby shop, I've just come from the christening.
0:24:31 > 0:24:36Marjorie gave a silver-encrusted rattle, Victoria an engraved mug,
0:24:36 > 0:24:40I presented what I thought was a lovely toy rabbit,
0:24:40 > 0:24:47turns out it was a battery-operated rabbit...toy.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Worst thing was the baby loved it.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Couldn't prise it off him.
0:24:58 > 0:25:04It was absolutely, what I call, mortifying.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- What are you doing? - I am being nonchalant for Gary.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Good luck.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22- Miranda.- Hello, Gary, that is weird seeing you here.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27- I work here.- Isn't that weird, of all the restaurants I could have popped into.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- I work here and you know that. - It is all very weird.
0:25:30 > 0:25:35Look, I was going to come and see you later, I should apologise about last night.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39- I shouldn't have stormed off without you explaining everything. - There was a stock mix-up.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43You don't need to explain, but you do need to let me take you out for a drink later.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45OK.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50- Great. Was there anything else? Did you want to order some food? - Do you do wedding cakes?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53No, no!
0:25:53 > 0:25:57That was a joke. That was the worst kind of joke I could have made.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59You know I am not into all that stuff, don't you?
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Sorry I'm late.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Wow, you look great.
0:26:11 > 0:26:16I'm amongst friends so I can be honest. Shush!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19I don't think I have ever felt more beautiful.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22You have to try one on, it's the most amazing experience.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Better than anything horse.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26A bit weird with no engagement ring.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Hello, sir.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Right, I would like to try one on, please.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Really?
0:26:32 > 0:26:38Oh, sorry, yes, I think we may have something. Size?
0:26:38 > 0:26:3910.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Tenty!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I'm a size 20.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50I think we have one in a "tenty"!
0:27:00 > 0:27:04I'm amongst friends so I can be honest.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I don't think I have ever felt more beautiful.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- Really?- No.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14I look like I've had a chiffon-based anaphylactic shock.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19It would be a nightmare if my mother walked past and fainted with joy.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22No!
0:27:37 > 0:27:41This is almost getting ridiculous. Gary!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Come back.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47I am not desperate. What are you scared of?
0:27:47 > 0:27:53Gary! Gary, come back.
0:27:53 > 0:27:59Gary! Gary!
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:28 > 0:28:31E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk