0:00:02 > 0:00:03Hello. How are you?
0:00:03 > 0:00:05I can't hear you and I'm not interested.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07No, I am.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09I'm not. So back to me.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Now, previously in my life...
0:00:11 > 0:00:14I proved that living alone can be genuine fun.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:30 > 0:00:32APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:34I really embarrassed myself in front of Gary.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38- Yeah. As long as you fill it with good sausage meat.- Ooh, naughty!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41SHE FARTS
0:00:42 > 0:00:47I know. And what else? oh, yes. My mother showed me her holiday photos.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Around the headland there was another lovely beach...
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Was the whole island nudist?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Oh, that's a good one of your father.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Stop zooming in!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04You never recover from something like that.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Quickly, on with the show...
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Right, taster number four.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Maybe you'll enjoy this one. Gratinee de Saint Jacques...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22I love having a chef friend.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- Because you appreciate fine food? - It's more that it's free food.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Free food!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29That's it. You clearly don't appreciate my work,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I go to all this effort, all you can say about it is it's free.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I've never been more aroused.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Off putting. They're doing that kissing but not kissing thing.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Either do or don't!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- That's Chris and Alison, they're lovely.- It's a bit much.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Now, Gary, now that was delicious.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Thank you, Chris. It's a new menu I'm working on.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57We thought so, didn't we, Mr Papa Bear?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Yes, we did, my wet nosed cub.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04BOTH: Such a good chef.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06BOTH: Said it at the same time!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08BOTH: And said that at the same time.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Oh, lovely(!)
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Yes, sorry this is my friend Miranda.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Hello, lovely.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- Puddings?- Puddings. - Puddings.- Puddings.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Puddings, my wet nosed cub.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Stop it. Actually, it's a really sweet story.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25They were friends at university,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28and they said they'd get married if they were still single at 40.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31She was his safety wife? People actually do that?
0:02:31 > 0:02:32They don't look 40.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35They're not. He took her off to Paris last year and proposed.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- Do you have a safety wife?- No.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- Why, are you offering?- Yes, please, very much so, thanks for asking,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43thank you please very much please.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48OK. All right. So what age would we set the date at?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- 55?- 35?
0:02:53 > 0:02:5555, I meant 55. 55?
0:02:55 > 0:02:5935? That's next year. You're meant to allow time to meet Mr Right first.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01No. Exactly. Of course,
0:03:01 > 0:03:05absolutely cos we don't want this. This would not be ideal. Grim.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Yuckety yuck at you. You make me feel bleugh.
0:03:07 > 0:03:13So...yeah. Just to be safe, I know it's 21 years hence,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15but should I book a venue?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Oh, sorry.
0:03:17 > 0:03:1855 is insulting.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Well, as I say, it works so you allow time to meet the one.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25But if something happens before you're 55 then you don't ignore it.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27If there's a "moment",
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- then clearly the rules are you go to Paris and get engaged.- A moment.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Deal with this Miranda. Elegance.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie...
0:03:44 > 0:03:47I'm busy! I've got to leave early to talk to my builders.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Yeah, but I've got news.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Anyway, this is a night school prospectus.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Yes. I'm doing a French course and I'll tell you pour quoi...
0:03:55 > 0:03:57so we can start to go international, sales wise...
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Two things to say, firstly...
0:03:59 > 0:04:00SHE YAWNS
0:04:02 > 0:04:03and, secondly, needy,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06high maintenance friend with news - Bonjour!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Gather please. Right.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Gary has asked me to be his safety wife.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13But, he said, obviously, if something happens before
0:04:13 > 0:04:15then we wouldn't ignore it. If there was a moment.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19He's considering there might be a moment between us, Stevie.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I've got to create a moment and do some woo-ing.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24It's harder to say than you imagine, that.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25- Woo-ing.- Woo-ing.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Getting away from the point...
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I need to create a romantic, spontaneous moment
0:04:30 > 0:04:35so Gary sees me in a "sexual" light.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Sorry how is Gary ever going to see YOU in a...
0:04:40 > 0:04:43No, no, what I mean is, you're...
0:04:43 > 0:04:47No, you're just not very, you know, you know.
0:04:47 > 0:04:53No, what I mean is, you know, you don't have... No, what you're,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56what you're not... you're not like me.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00You're just, you're just very British aren't you? I mean say "sex".
0:05:00 > 0:05:03(Sex.)
0:05:03 > 0:05:08You know I don't like to say it. I prefer the term "shenanigans".
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Sounds nicer. And you're British!
0:05:10 > 0:05:12British in nationality, yeah,
0:05:12 > 0:05:16but when it comes to the language of love, I'm practically Spanish.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Just a look in my eye and pheromones are released. Ahem.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Ahem.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Only me, darling. Hi, Stevie, how are you?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- OK. Although... - Just a turn of phrase.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Can I leave this with you?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Your old diaries. Which I have to say, make very interesting reading.
0:05:45 > 0:05:51- You read them?!- Of course. Like Anne Frank but more depressing.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52- Can't they stay at home?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54No. We've cleared out your room
0:05:54 > 0:05:57because we've extended the bathroom and we're fitting a jacuzzi.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Must dash - the Evening News'll be out.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02We're looking at the personals to find you someone
0:06:02 > 0:06:04and I don't want your father to start without me.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06He only circles white people
0:06:06 > 0:06:09and I've told him, when it comes to finding you a husband,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12we can't afford to be (racist.)
0:06:14 > 0:06:18We will consider a (black) man.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21You can say "black". It's fine.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Are you sure it's not (racist?)
0:06:23 > 0:06:24No.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Oh, well then I do love a BLACK man!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Such fun!
0:06:31 > 0:06:35That mouthing words thing's a real middle class tick.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37At least she was doing it properly this time.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40She gets confused and does it the wrong way round.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41The other day she said,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44"You know those two women (next door)? LESBIANS."
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Exactly. Stevie always underestimates me.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I knew I could do romance.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- # Summer lovin' had me a blast... # - Ooh, it's our song!
0:06:56 > 0:07:00# Summer lovin' happened so fast... #
0:07:00 > 0:07:03# I met a girl crazy for me... #
0:07:03 > 0:07:08# I met a guy cute as can be
0:07:08 > 0:07:13# Summer days driftin' away to uh-oh, those summer nights
0:07:13 > 0:07:15# Well-ah, well-ah, well-ah
0:07:15 > 0:07:17# Uh! Tell me more, tell me more
0:07:17 > 0:07:20# Like did he have a car? #
0:07:20 > 0:07:22This is not a hoover being a man!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- Stevie!- Miranda, I've got subsidence.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Please can I stay with you? Thanks.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I've got a Gary plan.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32- Come in!- Thank you.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Although, I was thinking maybe I shouldn't bother.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I don't even know if I want a relationship.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Somebody knowing everything about me.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I mean, do I really want somebody knowing
0:07:41 > 0:07:45that sometimes I dress up as the Queen and record her speech
0:07:45 > 0:07:50and I watch it back to see what it would be like if I was the Queen.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51- Do you actually do that?- No.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54MOUTHS SILENTLY
0:07:54 > 0:07:57You can stay, but please don't take over my life.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59You'll hardly notice me!
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Especially if Gary's here...
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- OK, your plan?- Why don't you come with me to my French course? Yes?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07FRENCH ACCENT: Passionate, sophisticated language, mon cherie.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- Are you saying I'm unsophisticated?- Bottom.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11SHE GIGGLES
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Bottom!
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Remembering my school days isn't going to help me feel passionate.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Apparently the teacher is cute.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Although if he is he's mine. SAUCY LAUGH
0:08:29 > 0:08:34- Come on, you need a bit of chic to get you in the romantic zone.- OK.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38I refer you to the last time you attempted something in this field.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41MUSIC: "Wannabe" by Spice Girls
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- Hi there.- Oh!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Hi.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46So...
0:08:46 > 0:08:47So...
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Do you want kids?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57You liked school, this is freaking me out.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00"Don't run in the corridor, pull your skirt down."
0:09:00 > 0:09:02What is this?
0:09:02 > 0:09:06- This is God's way of telling me not to bother.- Just relax.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09And always "could do better" from the French teacher
0:09:09 > 0:09:12who thought a leather jacket made him cool.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Oh, wow, he's LOVELY.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Cute smile.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- Oh, it's him!- He will be mine.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- That's Mr Clayton, my old French teacher.- No way!
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Way. Really way. Very much way.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30It's really cringey seeing a teacher after 20 years.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33It's feelings of fear, embarrassment...
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Primarily embarrassment.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Right, I'm going to go before he can see me.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44I'm stuck in the chair.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Stevie, I'm stuck in the chair. - He's about to start.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Bonjour la classe.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Qu'est ce que ce'st passez?
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Pardon, monsieur. Je suis dans le...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- FRENCH ACCENT:- ..Wrong room.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Miranda?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Ce ne pas me, zut alors!
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Je suis...on me way oot!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Sounded Scottish?!
0:10:14 > 0:10:15It is you.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Back for more? French was never your metier, I seem to remember.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23No, no, but German has become my bag...
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Mein...bag.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Oh, yeah, I've done pretty well with my life.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Yes, I use the German for my fashion business.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36So, I think you'll find I COULDN'T do better.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39If I did better...
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I'd be God.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Good evening to you.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Do you need help with the chair issue?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50The chair issue?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52There isn't a chair issue.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57This is part of my Autumn range. Practical fashion. It looks good...
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Sure thing. Want some of that!
0:11:01 > 0:11:02But it's practical.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06You can sit down whenever and wherever you so need to do.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10This has been one of life's true pleasures. Good evening. Bonsoir.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Mortifying. I need to get it off. Feeling claustrophobic.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Afternoon.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Right. Just need to pull myself off.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Don't.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Oh... And, released. God.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Urgh, school corridors - freaky.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Why weren't we allowed to run in them, actually?
0:11:56 > 0:12:02I can't believe I thought evening classes would help me get romantic.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06TANGO MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Hello.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20MUSIC: "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straits
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Gary?
0:12:27 > 0:12:28- Yep! Hi.- Hi.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Listen, I wanted to say sorry about the whole food thing earlier.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34And to make it up to you...
0:12:34 > 0:12:38how about a tango class tomorrow night?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- Oh, I adore Tango. - Well, you go Clive.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42No, the offer wasn't for Clive.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43I was regional under-12 champion.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- You'll go top of the class with Clive.- I don't want to!
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- My speciality is cape work.- Clive should definitely be your partner. - I don't want Clive to be my partner!
0:13:01 > 0:13:03If you don't stop talking about Tango,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I'll strangle you with this tablecloth!
0:13:05 > 0:13:07So, Gary, will you come?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09What about Clive?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12No, thanks, I hate Tango. I always have. I despise it. It's abhorrent,
0:13:12 > 0:13:16it's a perversion of all that is good and natural in this world.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- I hate it, DIRTY, DIRTY, DIRTY! - That's enough!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24So, Gary?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Yeah, sure. Why not? I'm up for a challenge.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40# You are beautiful No matter what they say
0:13:40 > 0:13:45# Words can't bring me down, yeah
0:13:45 > 0:13:49# You are beautiful in every single way.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53# So don't you bring me down today. #
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- SHE GASPS - Mr Clayton in pants!
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Oh, gosh, I am so sorry, sir.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- Hey, come on now, call me Keith.- Keith.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05SHE SNIGGERS
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Teachers having first names was always funny!
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I really am very, very sorry.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Don't worry. I was just about to have a shower.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Stevie! Urgh!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Urgh. Urgh.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23I can't be... Urgh!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I can't believe...
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- "Oh, you'll hardly notice me." - I couldn't help it.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31He took me to a fantastic restaurant and I tell you,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33an older man knows foreplay.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Urgh! La, la, la, la!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Oh, sorry. We got a little bit carried away on the sofa.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43ARGH!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Oh, and on the chair.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Ooh! God!
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Is there anywhere I'm safe?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52- Oh, not there.- Ooh!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54What's that?!
0:14:54 > 0:14:58People have sex, stop being so middle class about it.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Stevie, that was my old French teacher!
0:15:01 > 0:15:02He's seen me in gym knickers.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I don't want someone in my home that's seen me in gym knickers.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I don't want anyone thinking about me in gym knickers.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Oh, you disgust me.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Please say you're not seeing him again.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- You're always saying you want me to have more fun.- Not that much fun!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I'm going to open the shop.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Urgh.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I blame boarding school entirely
0:15:26 > 0:15:29for not being able to cope with the (sex) department.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Sorry, what is this... Urgh!
0:15:32 > 0:15:35We just weren't taught the birds and the bees properly.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39All we had was a weird video in Biology about conception.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41We saw this heart-shaped swimming pool,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43in the middle of which was a li-lo,
0:15:43 > 0:15:47with a woman lying on it looking erotic - she was the ovum.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51On the outside were a whole mass of men in speedos and swimming caps.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53They were the sperm.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56We heard a starting gun. The sperm dived in.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59One of them ended up on the li-lo and embraced the woman.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01The biology teacher then switches it off,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03"Right, that's that." "That's what?!"
0:16:03 > 0:16:06There was no finer details. What was that?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10One girl in my house, Bruschetta McQuorcodale - real name...
0:16:12 > 0:16:15She still won't go swimming for fear of getting pregnant.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Right, now I can, I can do this. I can get romantic.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25I can do it for all boarding school girls up and down the nation.
0:16:25 > 0:16:30I...am an erotic ovum. Ha-ha.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Ooh!
0:16:31 > 0:16:36Just leaving, au revoir. Or should I say, "Ich werde sie bald sehen."
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Ja.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Could do better! Ha, ha!
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Ha, ha!
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Woo-ing, woo-ing.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Woo-ing. Woo-ing. Woo-ing.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Stevie, hi. Do you notice anything different about me?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I've just bought some boots for the Tango class tonight.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03I now feel have the walk of a true woman.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Do I look romantically available?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09If camp is available then, yeah.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Sorry, how is this camp?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Customer. Customer. Hello.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Hi. These are fun, aren't they?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Going to a fancy dress?
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Why don't you try one of these?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Real hair!
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Buongiorno.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37- What's up with you?- Nothing at all.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41The Jacuzzi was finished yesterday. We've hardly been out of it.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45As your father says, "Bubbles hide a multitude of sins,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48"and suggest a multitude of others."
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Unacceptable information.
0:17:49 > 0:17:54I was a bit concerned because the plumber that installed it was...
0:17:56 > 0:17:58..(a woman.)
0:17:58 > 0:17:59So?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I know they can plumb just as well, but it's not right.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- A woman knowing... - SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY
0:18:05 > 0:18:07No, you see all I'm seeing is...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY
0:18:09 > 0:18:12The ins and outs of a loo!
0:18:12 > 0:18:13All right!
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Oh! What (enormous) WIG HAIR.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19The wrong way round!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Well, right, I must be, what I call...heading off.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27It's heading off. Not just what you call heading off...
0:18:27 > 0:18:31You father has ordered a mid-afternoon jacuzzi session...
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Ooh! Eh?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Urgh.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36No, she's not going to put me off.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Tonight, "Adios, uptight Miranda."
0:18:38 > 0:18:43She will be swept aside for a feisty Argentinean damsel.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I am going to create the romantic moment.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51For tonight is the night when "dos become uno".
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Bonne chance.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Ja.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56TANGO MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:58 > 0:19:02That's right, keep as close as you can.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Mmm! You two are very good together.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18'Miranda...'
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Customer!
0:19:19 > 0:19:20SHE SCREAMS
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I am so sorry. Let me help you up.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28No, please, please don't touch me again.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31I wish it was the first time I'd heard that.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Fantastico! Muy sensual!
0:19:40 > 0:19:42You, it's a bit camp.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- Can't believe that Chris and Alison are here as well.- No talking!
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- Sorry.- We're teaching our bodies, every sinew to talk.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Wow, she's amazing.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Stop! Stop!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Que bailar como un hipopotamo!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04You will not learn when you dance with her. Chris...
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- You...are a natural. - Really?- Do you mind?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- Well, I do a bit.- Silence!
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Musica.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Aren't you the lucky one, eh, Miranda?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Phwoar.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- What is she like?!- A nightmare!
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Miranda, what are you doing?
0:20:30 > 0:20:34What's that saying? "It takes three to tango."
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Carry on. Nothing to see here.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50That was great!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Ooh, yes. Yes, that was great. Yeah.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- So you're going to advanced next week?- Well, might as well.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00- You don't mind do you? - No! Why would I mind?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Of course I don't mind.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Nothing springs to mind about minding at all, no!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08You're not actually going to eat that kebab are you?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10No, I bought it just to chuck in a bin(!)
0:21:10 > 0:21:14I'm unashamed to admit that, for me, this is the dog's bollocks.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17It probably literally is. You should put it in the bin.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- No!- Come on, Miranda, it's disgusting.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- I like it. You're such a food snob. - Just put it in the bin.- No!
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- Come on put it in the bin. Miranda, just put it...- I want to EAT IT.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31I'd take this over some of your fancy dishes.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I really thought you understood my work.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I give up, it's completely pointless.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Aroused again.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- SHE GASPS - He's coming back!
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Maybe he's felt the arousal too. This could be a moment.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Right, I'm not apologising. I'm still angry.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Yes.- I've had a thought.- Yes!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Tomorrow night, I'm going to give you a proper...
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Take me!
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Cooking lesson. What?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00# Take...me...on.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01# Take on me
0:22:01 > 0:22:03# I'll be there,
0:22:03 > 0:22:07# Ooh, ooh-ooh, oooh! #
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Just some A-ha.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Sorry, did you say cooking lesson? Excellent.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- No, that sounds great, great. - Good, good. Well, enjoy your kebab.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I will.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Ohhh. That's a chilli.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Oooh.- Ha, ha(!)
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Very hot. No, I still like it.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Hot! Hot! Hot!
0:22:35 > 0:22:41# Both a little scared Neither one prepared
0:22:41 > 0:22:46# Beauty and the beast. #
0:22:48 > 0:22:50So, how was it?
0:22:50 > 0:22:54I got tango-ed out of a dance class by a frightening dance teacher,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56had an argument with Gary, found him sexy,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58thought there was going to be moment,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01got offered a cooking lesson. It's all your fault, Stevie.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05I tried to create a romantic moment, I keep ending up in lessons.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06This will be the third in two days
0:23:06 > 0:23:09and you know I hate being reminded of school.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15No! No, this could be good.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17You think he's sexy when he's angry.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22Yeah. Well, a cooking lesson... angry chef...
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Anger becomes sexual chemistry, like in the films.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Perhaps it wasn't a moment cos I wasn't angry too!
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Exactly! Furious chef, angry pupil, food everywhere.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Fiery, very filmic,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35where we can do nothing but rip each others clothes off.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Ohhh.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58The trouble is, you can't handle the world of shenanigans.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02No, no, no. That girl's still very much gone.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I'm still an Argentinian whore.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Well...
0:24:05 > 0:24:10not a whore, but (sexual). You know, a couple of notches down from whore.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Pre-doing it for money.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Ah! Oh! Here he is. He's here!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20There he is. And you've both been...again.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22And that's fine. That's fine, yeah.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25It's just (sex). (Sex). Sex. Sex! SEX! There!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27You see, I said it. It's fine.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29We all do it, don't we? Well, some of us try.
0:24:29 > 0:24:35But it doesn't matter! No. It's all just willies and front bottoms.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36We all have them.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40One of them. Not many people are blessed with having both, I imagine.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44I mean, what's weird about a man pushing his Michael Phelps
0:24:44 > 0:24:45to reach her li-lo?
0:24:46 > 0:24:51Right, better head off. Au chante, la belle dame du soir.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Peut-etre la prochaine fois une disco locale.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56THEY LAUGH
0:24:56 > 0:24:59MIRANDA LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:24:59 > 0:25:02I'm fine with this. Oh, it's lovely.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Oh, that's a bit much!
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Put her down, please.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Put her down and off you pop.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Thank you. You disgust me.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15So if you can make a ratatouille you've got a delicious basic
0:25:15 > 0:25:17you can use with pasta, rice, add meat...
0:25:17 > 0:25:21- Try and get the chunks the same size.- You bollocking bastard!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Now you going to get all Ramsay on my ass?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Yeah, you know that's not my style.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32OK. So now you've made the fresh tomato sauce.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Now to stop it drying out I'm just going to add some tinned tomato.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Why didn't you just do this in the first place? I prefer these anyway.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43- Prefer tinned? To a fresh sauce? - (This'll work. Bring on the moment.)
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Tinned to your sauces.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48I find them a bit stodgy that's all.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53You've done nothing but insult my cooking recently.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- Are you trying to wind me up?- No! I just prefer these, that's all.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00You're acting like a wife who won't tell her husband why she's angry.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02I wouldn't know would I? Safety wife aged 55.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Most people set their safety marriages at 40. At the latest.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Because most people have the idea when they're 20,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- not when they're single in their mid-30's.- 34 is not mid-30's.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13It's late 20's!
0:26:13 > 0:26:17You're acting as if you're six. You're excitable, then you're angry.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20It's the new me. I'm being impulsive, a lover of life, a lover.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22New tastes, new experiences...
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Ooh, urgh! Garlic...
0:26:26 > 0:26:27It's not funny.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30I'm being erotic. Puncture my li-lo.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35For Bruschetta.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- You want some bruschetta?- No!
0:26:37 > 0:26:40You idiot!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42You did that deliberately!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44I thought mine was empty. Oh...
0:26:52 > 0:26:54This is the moment, but it's so not the moment.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57The films are wrong. You're just angry and covered in sauce!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- You're such a child.- You're a child.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01You're a child!
0:27:01 > 0:27:08# And after all that's been said and done
0:27:08 > 0:27:16# You're just the part of me I can't let go
0:27:16 > 0:27:21# After all that we've been through
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# I will make it up to you
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# I promise you. #
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Has any one seen my pants?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Right! That's it! Come on.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Ooh!
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Mr Clayton. Don't move before tying the gown a little safer.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46- SHE GASPS - Saw it!
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Could do better.
0:27:51 > 0:27:56- Miranda, darling, can I stay? The Jacuzzi's flooded.- That's it.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Everybody in.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01MUSIC: "My Baby Just Cares For Me" by Nine Simone.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04# My baby just cares for me
0:28:08 > 0:28:15# My baby don't care for cars and races
0:28:15 > 0:28:20# My baby don't care for... #
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Ahh!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# High tone places. #
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:03 > 0:29:06E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk