0:00:02 > 0:00:03Good evening! Biscuit?
0:00:03 > 0:00:04Sorry, they're mine!
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Previously in my life,
0:00:09 > 0:00:11my mother makes me get a proper job...
0:00:11 > 0:00:13So we're assigning Miranda to the Royal Navy.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15What?!
0:00:15 > 0:00:18The first trip is seven months.
0:00:18 > 0:00:19Couldn't it be longer?
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Miranda, are you sure you want to be in the Navy?
0:00:22 > 0:00:24# In the Navy!
0:00:24 > 0:00:28# You can sail the seven seas In the Navy! #
0:00:28 > 0:00:31I bet you get that a lot.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33No.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Alarming propensity to sing in interviews.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Luckily, for that one, I failed the exercise test.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41They asked me to run, I said, "No!"
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Well, I think running is wrong unless professionally or as a child.
0:00:47 > 0:00:53I think, as an adult, you should only run if you're near a train station and look at your watch first.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Yeah, I mean galloping is more fun, isn't it?
0:00:57 > 0:01:01That's something I'd like to see more of, make commuting fun.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Yeah, I never really had an obvious career path.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16That was clear from the careers officer at uni.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19What do you think are your main strengths?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Oh, probably dressing pets as famous detectives.
0:01:22 > 0:01:27No, even you would have been impressed by Poirot Pussy.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30- Go away, please. - Let's not dwell, on with the show!
0:01:41 > 0:01:42- Morning.- Morning!
0:01:42 > 0:01:47Oh, brilliant, new pirate stock! Ha-ha!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Please don't. - Oh, Stevie, you know you love it.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Why are pirates called pirates?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Because they arrrrrr!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58What is wrong, my very small friend?
0:01:58 > 0:02:04Bank statements. You know, can you stop using the business account for personal purchases, please?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Look, you're still paying £60 a month gym membership? You never go!
0:02:08 > 0:02:12I don't need to, I am in fine shape.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15A lunge and stretch...
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Oh, yes, I am a woman in her prime.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Don't you think, madam? Out of interest how old would you have me?
0:02:26 > 0:02:30They always come under, Stevie.
0:02:30 > 0:02:3343.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I know what's happened. You're dyslexic.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Because I'm 34, you've reversed the numbers in your head.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42That's what's happened here.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44No, I thought you were 43.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Right, get out, please!
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- But I need to buy...- Bye-bye is what you need to do. Bye-bye!
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- Maybe I should go to the gym.- 20...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58You're loving the expenses issue, aren't you?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Well, you know, it's a task, and I am the...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03BOTH: Task master.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Oh, sorry, what's that you're asking me, Miss Heather Small?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07- Oh, is she there?- Yes.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12# What have you done today To make you feel proud?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Well, Heather, I've done an excellent expenditure...
0:03:16 > 0:03:22Oh, no, that's the wrong side, this is the employee of the month board with me in all of them.
0:03:22 > 0:03:28- Oh, look at my little face! I've been doing an excellent expenditure chart.- Oh, yeah, that is good.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Talk me through it.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- Really?- No!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Can you just try and cut back, yes?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Take things a little bit more seriously.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Of course, captain. Ah-ha-ha-ha-harrrr!
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Stay back or I'll throw you to the sex-starved men below!
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Oh, sorry, Mum.
0:03:46 > 0:03:51Listen, Tilly, outside, promotion, her mother gloating.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53You, fake job, big success.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Sorry, I think you dropped some verbs on the way in.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Verbs...
0:03:58 > 0:04:01On the way in, she just got a...I said you got a...
0:04:01 > 0:04:04to pretend you're the...your father and me wish you were.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I told Tilly you'd got a new job.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- But I've got a job!- A proper job, I said you work in television.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16What? Mum, are you ashamed of me?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Oh, darling, of course I am, ridiculous question.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Well, Penny, I think you're being a little bit harsh there.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Under careful management, this shop could become a successful chain.
0:04:27 > 0:04:33You know, when people want...a pair of comedy breasts, they'll think of your daughter.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35They already do.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Look, who cares if Tilly's got a promotion?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42She's the idiot with everything "fabbifun" and "marvellisimus".
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Oh! Gosh, she's coming.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47- She's got such an annoying, what I call, walk.- It is a walk, isn't it?
0:04:47 > 0:04:51It's not what you call a walk, that's such an annoying expression.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52We've got to convince her.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Oh, hello, Tilly, what a total and utter surprise.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59We were just talking about Miranda's new job in television.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Yeah! Mummy told me!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Congratulasareeny, Queen Kong!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Mwah! Mwah!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10It sounds spectaculant.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Yes, yes, it's fabbifun.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16And what a surprise, flabbergastamoomoo!
0:05:18 > 0:05:22No offence, I just didn't have you down as a career bitch.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24More someone who mucked around in a shop.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Well, actually, as a local business bitch,
0:05:28 > 0:05:33she's been doing some research for a documentary about the retail industry.
0:05:33 > 0:05:39- Yeah.- Would anyone in their right mind enjoy making a living from selling...penis pasta?
0:05:40 > 0:05:45Yes, I mean, who would enjoy that on their own of an evening?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Wowzers... A documentary, who for?
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Yes.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54What?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Who 4. It's a new channel.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59E4, More4, Who4.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03And which company are you working for?
0:06:03 > 0:06:08- It's a small production company down here.- Down here? What's it called?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- What's it called?- What?
0:06:11 > 0:06:15What's It Called, that's what it's called.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18What's It Called, which is funny because when people ring up,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20we say, "Hello, What's It Called,"
0:06:20 > 0:06:23and they say, "Don't you know? It's your company."
0:06:23 > 0:06:26And then they say, "Who are you making programmes for?"
0:06:26 > 0:06:29and we say "Who4," and they say "Yes, that's what I'm asking you."
0:06:30 > 0:06:34And we all laugh so very much.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Listen, listen, the reason I've come is I'm having a - whisper it -
0:06:42 > 0:06:46miniscule celebratione of my promotion tomorrow night, you come?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- Penny come!- Sounds divine.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51And Kongeroo, defo come.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- Great.- You come.- Yeah.- Come. - Go.- Come!- Go.- Come.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Come, come, come, come, come, come, come!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Go, go, go...
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Oh! Well done, darling.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Mum! I can't believe Tilly said I couldn't get a proper career.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I could be a Tilly!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Do you know? Actually, I think it might be time for me to move on.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17Yeah, I've always said once I got the shop up and running and an excellent manager in...
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Good morning.- Good morning to you. Then I could consider something else.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25Oh, at last! Go, Miranda!
0:07:25 > 0:07:30Now first, like all good career bitches, I am off to the gym.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Yes, the gym. Oh, yes.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Look at me go.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Excuse me, I don't think these doors are working.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51If it's a press the knob and release, it is not functioning.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I'm really banging the knob now.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Don't!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59BUZZER
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Are you OK?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I'm fine, my workout starts the minute I enter the building.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I am permanently pumping.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Do you want a hand?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24No, I've got it.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27There she goes!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30OK!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32That way?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Oh, yeah.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Help! Stop, please!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Someone make it stop!
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Help!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Thanks for that. Just the ones I'm used to are a bit less...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Yeah...
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Aaaah!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I mean, what do they do?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I mean, does anyone really know what they do?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Keep going, you'll be halfway across the Channel.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Right, do you know, I'm just going to get the ferry.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Whee!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34That's what they're used for.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Hi, guys.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Blimey. Are you all right?
0:09:44 > 0:09:50Oh, my flat needs redecorating, and that's just the shade of red I was looking for.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55What do you call that? Heart-attack maroon?
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Cholesterol magenta?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Full-fat fuchsia?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07No, Clive, I'm not going to high-five you, go away.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14This is just a healthy post-workout glow, yes, workout,
0:10:14 > 0:10:18so now I shall have a carrot and orange smoothie and a low-fat bagel.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22And what I mean by that is a hot chocolate and an enormous slice of cake.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I am going to look for another job.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Why?
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Because Tilly and Mum say I couldn't. I could get a proper job, right?
0:10:34 > 0:10:39Guys? At least my school was more supportive.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- Miranda, don't run in the corridor! - It's a gallop, Miss.
0:10:45 > 0:10:51I think all businessmen should do it, and one day I hope to tell the nation via a TV show.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Oh, Miranda, with that naive optimism, you gallop, girl!
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Well, I'd help with the job search thing, but I've got loads of kitchen prep to do.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I've got a reunion tomorrow, with my RAF pals.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05You were in the RAF?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07With the uniform?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Just the cadets for a bit when I left school.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Oh, Maverick, you stud, take me to bed and lose me forever.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24# Take my breath away-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay... #
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Pilot your jet into my flight path.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Said it all out loud!
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Oh, there you are. Now saddle up, I've got you an interview tomorrow morning.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40Manager of a sales team in a, what I call, department store.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41It is a department store.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Oh, Evergreeens, they're big!
0:11:44 > 0:11:45No, I could do that, couldn't I?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Guys? - Do you want me to come with you?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Not a good idea.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- Please take her!- No.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57She's got excellent sea legs.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- Show him your sea legs.- No.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I really don't need to see her legs.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Come on, show them. Put your sea legs on the Captain's table!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Speak later, dashing off to Cakersize with Belinda.
0:12:14 > 0:12:21- Cakersize?- Cake decorations and aerobics, you have to leave exactly the same weight as you came in.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Such fun!
0:12:25 > 0:12:30Do you know, this really could be my thing, couldn't it? Retail experience, people skills.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Oh! Blimey, how can you get so stiff so soon?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I take it you won't be going back to the gym?
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Oh, no, I'm going back, I am...very much going back.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Come on, that's it.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46I want to cancel my membership.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- Do you want to transfer to another branch? - No, I just want to cancel.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52You're not moving and want to use a different gym in our chain?
0:12:52 > 0:12:57That's the same question, slightly different wording.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59You have to give three months' notice to cancel
0:12:59 > 0:13:04- and a month's notice to say you'll be giving the final three months. - Which is four months'!
0:13:04 > 0:13:07It's one month's notice to say you'll be giving the final three months'.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09And that is four months' notice.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14- You've only got five months left on your contract.- I want no months, nil months, nada monthes!
0:13:14 > 0:13:17You might as well stick with it.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21I don't want to stick with it. I joined on a New Year's Day whim with a number of size 16 and over
0:13:21 > 0:13:27women aged 34-54, most of whom are on their own now at home with a pie and a bottle of wine,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30as your direct debit goes out of their bank accounts.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36OK? So on their behalf, I would like to cancel my membership, yeah?
0:13:36 > 0:13:43Gyms are not for people like me, they're for people like her, you stretchy freak!
0:13:43 > 0:13:48Please, don't hassle our members, or I'll have to ask you to leave for unsocial behaviour.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Do you know, I don't know how you sleep at night when all you do is hand out
0:13:51 > 0:13:55a towel once every three hours to a piece of Lycra carrying a woman...
0:13:57 > 0:14:00..whilst the majority pay for the upkeep, and we may not be
0:14:00 > 0:14:04the majority in numbers, but pound for pound there's more of us.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Yeah, we could get you.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15OK, maybe not, but we could have a sit-on,
0:14:15 > 0:14:19and I will personally sit on you, and not in a fun way.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Sorry, do you mind if I just do that?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27That is lovely.
0:14:28 > 0:14:34Listen, be warned, because I do get what I want, OK, which is why I'm a successful career bitch.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38- What do you do?- I've got an interview at Evergreens, the department store, as it goes...
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Evergreens?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Oh, Tilly, hi!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Sorry, what happened to your TV job?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Yeah, well, you know, it wasn't challenging enough, cos when your
0:14:48 > 0:14:53brain's as agile as your body, you know,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56you need constant challenges.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01The knob isn't yielding!
0:15:01 > 0:15:02I don't know what...
0:15:02 > 0:15:04BUZZER
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Queen Kong, you lama!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Knob, and now I mean the button...
0:15:15 > 0:15:16BUZZER
0:15:16 > 0:15:18And release, thank you!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27What do you think? Interview chic.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Get me a skinny frappucino.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31I've no idea what that is.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35I like to think you might be presented with a tiny Italian man.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Hi. Come in, sit down.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Thank you.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I'm Darren, head of marketing, this is Sophie and Neil from HR.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Hello. Thanks for seeing me.
0:15:47 > 0:15:52It's a pleasure. So let's get straight to it, what do you think you could bring to this job?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Bring to it? Oh, erm...
0:15:54 > 0:15:59I think I could bring...some tea and cakes to it, would it like that?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Well, it could certainly motivate the team.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09The team you'd be heading young, so they do need a lot of motivation.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Is that something you could bring to the table?
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Oh, I could splatter this table with motivation.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Yeah, yeah, I'll motivate you now, if you want.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Go on, then.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Oh, OK, erm...
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Get off your fat arses and do something!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33It's certainly blatant.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Now, a lot of our products are for children, young families. Do you have kids?
0:16:37 > 0:16:42I don't, no, but I get inside kids' heads all the time.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47Not in a freaky subliminal way, that would be very odd.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52No, but I just love children, I believe children are our future.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Don't sing, don't sing.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58# Teach them well and let them lead the way
0:16:58 > 0:17:02# Show them all the beauty They possess inside
0:17:02 > 0:17:08# I can't stop Give them a sense of pride
0:17:08 > 0:17:13# Because the greatest love of all
0:17:13 > 0:17:16# Is happening to me
0:17:18 > 0:17:21# I found the greatest love of all
0:17:21 > 0:17:28# Inside of me The greatest love... #
0:17:28 > 0:17:30# I decided long ago
0:17:30 > 0:17:34# Never to walk in anyone's shadows
0:17:34 > 0:17:37# If I fail, if I succeed
0:17:37 > 0:17:41# At least I'll live as I believe. #
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Thank you very much.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03That was very inspiring.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09I didn't realise I knew so many verses.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I didn't realise there were so many verses.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16So, erm...is there anything you'd like to ask us?
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Ooh, yes, yes.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24When lightning strikes the sea, why don't all the fish die?
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- Relevant to the job.- Oh, no.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Well, thanks very much for coming in, we'll be in touch.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Thank you, Sir Alan, Margaret, Nick.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48So? How did it go?
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Yes, yeah, good...I think.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55No, I think there were some positives amongst...
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- You sang, didn't you?- Yeah.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02You've got to stop doing that in formal situations.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06I know, I can't help it, I just panic, and I'm not the only one.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Look I'm not sure her heart is in the navy.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14# My heart will go on and...
0:19:14 > 0:19:16# Near, far
0:19:16 > 0:19:21# Wherever you are
0:19:21 > 0:19:24# I believe that my...
0:19:24 > 0:19:25DOOR SLAMS
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I mean, of all things to be hereditary!
0:19:29 > 0:19:34Maybe you're not just up to the cut and thrust of the business world.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Thrust!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Oh, it's a funny word, that's all.
0:19:38 > 0:19:45It doesn't mean I'm not capable of taking business seriously and thrusting with the best of them.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Oh, thrust is a funny word, come on, thrust, thrust.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Stevie, thrust, thrust, it's funny, thrust.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Oh, I've said it too much now.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Thrust, thrust, it's gone weird, thrust.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58PHONE RINGS
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Good morning. No, no, I'm her associate.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06- Yeah, sure. It's Evergreens. - Oh, no, you take it, I can't!
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Yeah.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Right, well, they liked your unique and unorthodox technique
0:20:13 > 0:20:17and, once they understood what you were saying,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19knew they wanted you, can you start tomorrow?
0:20:20 > 0:20:24I will be there at 10.00am sharp.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Oh, no, they start at eight.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I will be there at ten.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Yep, unique and unorthodox
0:20:35 > 0:20:38who can thrust with the best of them!
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Go me, go me, go me!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44How did this happen? A proper job!
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Oh, at last I don't have to lie at a school reunion. The last one...
0:20:48 > 0:20:52After finishing my PhD, I got a job in the Foreign Office.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56It's quite an adjustment from NGO relief work in Cambodia, I can tell you.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57So what do you do?
0:20:57 > 0:21:02I'm... Myleene Klass.
0:21:03 > 0:21:09Right, now I work in management, I can manage the gym situ.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10There's nothing I can do.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12The contract's foolproof.
0:21:12 > 0:21:18Fine! Except earlier you said you'd ask people to leave for antisocial behaviour, OK?
0:21:18 > 0:21:22So if you don't cancel my membership I'm going to...
0:21:22 > 0:21:23I will...
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I will shit all over your towels!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- We'll just wash 'em.- Fine, OK.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do, then.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I'm going to...break your swimming pool.
0:21:37 > 0:21:42- How?- I'll tell you how, the idea's just forming in my head.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47I will usher in a mass of dirty dogs.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- Dogs?- Yes, dogs, and I will...
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I have no idea where I'm going with this.
0:21:56 > 0:22:02Yes, dogs, and I will throw them in the pool, and I might even release a bigger animal.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Get a sheep, you know a sheep that is covered in poo balls!
0:22:05 > 0:22:12You know, those poo balls that they have, poo balls I tell you, poo balls, yeah?
0:22:12 > 0:22:17They are impacted sort of poo balls at the end of their...poo balls!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20We'd have you arrested before you got a sheep in here.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25Fine! Well, you'd bar a lunatic for defacing equipment, wouldn't you?
0:22:25 > 0:22:33So I tell you what I'm going to do, I'm going to wee all over the ball pool! Wee!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Hello, Darren.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Very much looking forward to seeing you tomorrow morning.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44No, no, you won't. You're fired.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Yes, Sir Alan, erm...
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- Even if I got there at 8.00am? - Please stop addressing me.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Sure, OK, yes.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Now look what you've done, I've lost my job, I can't afford membership,
0:22:58 > 0:23:03so is your company happy for a customer to wee in a ball pool in protest of its rules...
0:23:03 > 0:23:09OK, OK, if you stop, I'll give you £5 off your monthly fee and a free instructor for six weeks.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13That might work, I could commit, then, actually.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17And if you sign up to our exclusive 36-month contract...
0:23:19 > 0:23:21..we'll give you a free towel robe.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Do I look stupid?
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Look at it, it's gorgeous.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30It's not just a towel, it is a robe. It is royal drying.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Listen, I'm sorry about the job.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35No, it's fine. Stevie's right, the career world, not for me.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37What about working here tonight?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39We're really busy, and I've got this RAF thing.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44- Oh, officer, permission to land your aircraft between...- Out loud. - Shush, Miranda!
0:23:44 > 0:23:49Sure, I'll help out if I can see you in uniform later.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51OK, sounds like a deal.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52I salute you, commander.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- Ooh!- Oh, please.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Clive, if you are insinuating, that
0:23:57 > 0:24:01I am thinking about An Officer And A Gentleman, you are sorely mistaken.
0:24:01 > 0:24:07I haven't had those kind of dreams since I was 12...18. 27.
0:24:07 > 0:24:0933...last night.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Just now!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17You weed in a ball pool!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Ssh! I didn't wee in it, I just threatened to.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Carry on with your meals, please.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24And now you're a waitress!
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Tilly can't see this. I told her you got the job at Evergreens.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Oh! Lord, this is a, what I call, nightmare.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Hey!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Queen of the Congo! Ooh-rah!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Kissingtons! Mwah!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Cheeky Pinot? My shouticles?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- Oh, what, are you staying? - It's my promotion drinkus.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- Here?- Yes, I've got a few peeps coming from the orifice.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Right.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Join! Join, join, join, join!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- Sit ! Sit, sit, sit... - Sure, yes, yes.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01So two wines, you said?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05How's this going to work?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- So complimentini on the Evergreens job.- Thank you.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16- Are you replacing that nutter who got fired before they started? - Blimey, news travels fast out there.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Well, let's just say some eccentric, to give the nutter her due.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Or his due, whoever's due it was, it wasn't my due.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27I've said "due" too much now, it sounds weird. Due... Due... Thrust!
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Sorry, right,
0:25:34 > 0:25:35I'm just going to get the drinks.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38I think you should relax, it is waitress service.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Yes, but I always think it's nice to pitch in.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Miranda, I'm swamped here, get these orders out.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Right. What are you...?! This is all your fault.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Come! Come, come, come!
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Yes...
0:26:14 > 0:26:17And, er...two white wines!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Sorry, how is this wine?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- Oh, my giddy, Miranda, are you a waitress?- No!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Excuse me, waitress, I think that's our order.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Right. She is talking to you.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35You weed in a ball pool?!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Did you wee in a ball pool?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39That's disgusting!
0:26:39 > 0:26:43- Miranda, you're on the verge of turning my fiesta into a fiasco. - OK, I'll explain.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45You're probably confused.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49One minute I'm working in television, the next I'm in Evergreens, and now I'm a waitress.
0:26:49 > 0:26:56Well, OK, do you know, for once at a social occasione, I'm going to proudly say what I do for a living.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- Good girlie!- She's been undercover.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- No, no, Mum...- She's a surveillance commander in the forces.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Yeah, the secret service, is it?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Sorry, why don't you think I could do that?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- People can be so quick to judge. - Can't they, Stevie?
0:27:08 > 0:27:12How many jobs have you had or not had today?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15And now you seriously expect me to believe you're in the forces?
0:27:17 > 0:27:21- Good evening!- Wow.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24MUSIC: "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong"
0:27:35 > 0:27:37- MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY - Hi!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Hi.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40- Commander.- Cadet Preston.
0:27:40 > 0:27:45- The barracks are secure, ma'am, and we are awaiting your further orders. - Thank you.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- You can stand down for the night. - Thank you, ma'am.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50No way!
0:27:53 > 0:27:57This has worked out marvelisamussolini!
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Right, come on, then, I know you've been dying to do this.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03MUSIC: "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong"
0:28:03 > 0:28:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Way to go, Miranda!
0:28:22 > 0:28:23Way to go!
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:45 > 0:28:48E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk