0:00:02 > 0:00:03Buongiorno...
0:00:03 > 0:00:04which is Italian for hello.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Chic. Which is French for...cheek?
0:00:09 > 0:00:11So, how are you? Had a good week? Lovely.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Well, back to me.
0:00:12 > 0:00:18Now, previously in my life, I tell my mother I'd be happy not to marry, which I think she was fine with.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26We calmed her down but she regularly attempts to set me up
0:00:26 > 0:00:30with aristocratic squires at her literary themed parties.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32No, they're worse than they sound.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Last year, Last Of The Mohicans.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Darling, this is Quentin.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Hello, Miranda. We last met at a tennis tournament in Tunbridge.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Taramasalata?
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I fear another party's looming, so I'm stressed -
0:00:55 > 0:00:57that way when little things get to you.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Right, calm and on with the show.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26- Morning!- Morning!- Oh, Stevie, what are you doing? What have you done?
0:01:26 > 0:01:30It's not even 10am and I can already talk to Ms Heather Small.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35# What have you done today to make me feel proud? #
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I'll tell you, Heather, I've done a marketing display...
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- Right, can I have word?- Oh, would you like my counsel?- I would, sir.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46- Go ahead, caller.- You're not invited to this meeting, Heather. Goodbye.- Goodbye.- Thank you.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I shall explain this as clearly and professionally as I can.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Valentine's Day makes me go...
0:01:55 > 0:01:58We've got a lovely relationship that we're showing off about, have we?
0:01:58 > 0:02:04"Oh, I'm so in love." Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!
0:02:06 > 0:02:11I don't know who St Valentine was, but I hope he died alone, surrounded by couples.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- Right, this is going.- What?!- Before it reminds Mum I'm still single
0:02:15 > 0:02:18and a themed party definitely rears its ugly head.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Can't you get out of them?
0:02:19 > 0:02:24I'm notoriously bad at excuses, you know that. Particularly with Mum.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27She'll just use her beloved phrase, "Such fun!" to shut me up.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30What's your standard excuse?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I just panic and say, "I can't I'm going to the cinema."
0:02:32 > 0:02:36What if someone asks you to the cinema and you don't want to go?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I go to the cinema with them.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43Well, I mean, I can't say, "I can't go to the cinema," because I'm going to the cinema, can I?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Are you an actual idiot?
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Sorry?
0:02:46 > 0:02:52- What do you use?- Oh, well, I say, "My niece is ill and I have to help."
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- Oh, that's brilliant.- I know, I am particularly clever.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00If your Mum does set you up just look at it as good dating practice.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- Might help with Gary. - Gary and I are just friends. Really.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07It's easier. And, anyway, I don't need help with dating.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09I've been on loads of dates.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12(I've, literally, been on one.)
0:03:12 > 0:03:18So, you know, don't doubt me, Stevie. I am a smooth operator.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24That took me ages!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Well, I'm stuck in it now and it's all your fault.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32That took me ages and ages and ages and ages and ages...
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Oh, for heaven's sake.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40Darling, it was mortifying at the wedding on Saturday.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45The bride didn't throw her bouquet, just passed it to Miranda while someone shouted, "As if!"
0:03:47 > 0:03:50But I am determined to find you someone and so -
0:03:50 > 0:03:53drum roll, please - I am hosting
0:03:53 > 0:03:56a Pride And Prejudice themed party.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Next Friday. The only day Edmund de Tory can do.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Wait, Mum, Mum! Did you say Friday?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Oh, I, I definitely can't make Friday.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13- Why not?- Well, it's my daughter's first birthday.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- You don't have a daughter. - I don't have a daughter.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I am voting in the House of Commons.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- You're not an MP.- I'm not an MP.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Eh, I'm washing my shoes.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28I tell you what it is. I am baking a hedgehog for Tony Benn's anniversary.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31I just... I can't. I get in a panic.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33It's a condition. I'm sweating.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Oh, hello. Mum, listen, I don't want...
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- Such fun.- No, I don't think... - Such fun.
0:04:39 > 0:04:45Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. Such fun!
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I told you! It's so effective and so annoying.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Why can't she hear - I don't want to get married?
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- Oh.- Thank you. I mean, everyone else knows I hate the idea of intimacy.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05I hate the idea of somebody knowing everything about me.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I mean, I don't want somebody knowing that I'm not even 40
0:05:08 > 0:05:13and already I have a pair of shoes specifically for driving.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Do you really?- No.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I mean, maybe Edmund isn't that bad.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I'll look him up. How do you spell de Tory?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Tory, as in T-O-R-Y.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32Has friends called Hugo and Biffy and pretends to like hoodies.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Ooh, satire. Stylish.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Is it definitely too early for a mojito?
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Miranda, it's half past ten in the morning! Course not, come on.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Clive no, no. Slippery slope.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Miranda, why don't you ask your Mum to have the party here?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Clive and I can keep an eye on you.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56And, to be honest, I could do with the business.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00- I can't believe how much takings are down since you went on a diet. - Ha-ha(!)
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Oh, not joking.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09No, Gary, look, it can't go ahead.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Please. Pretty please.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Fine. I wouldn't have got out of it anyway.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Thank you. And maybe this Edward's not that bad...
0:06:17 > 0:06:18No, no, no. Sorry, not Edward...
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Edmund. Edward - normal person.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Edmund - weird person. Mund.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Right, well maybe this Mund isn't that bad after all.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Although he'll definitely be a man that does sports manoeuvres.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33You know, sports mimes.
0:06:33 > 0:06:39Men that can't help themselves suddenly practising a sport move - a bit of golf. Ah!
0:06:39 > 0:06:42That, for me, is the main difference between men and women.
0:06:42 > 0:06:48Men feel the need to announce their manlihood by a quick, er, sport move. Women don't do that, do they?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51You don't suddenly find women going, "Hoovering, missed a bit."
0:06:54 > 0:06:56"Take your shoes off, dear.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58"And Febreze."
0:06:58 > 0:07:04Well, hopefully, being set up will give you much-needed practice in the dating department.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Why do people keep saying this? I'm fine with the dating.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10All right. Pretend you're in a club and approach Gary.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11OK. Right.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16There's music, I'm feeling it.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19It's a bit camp, but we'll go with it.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- Hi!- Hi. How are you?
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Miranda, problem.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35I found Edmund de Tory online.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- Photo...- Oh, what is that?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42I literally can't tell which way up that photo's meant to be.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Face down surely.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46High five.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Not good enough for the five.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Recent profile update.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54"Any fillies want a ride, I don't mean a horse (snorts)."
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Imagine what I'll turn into if I end up with him? It's not funny.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02I mean, bare minimum, living on a country estate,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05with a black Labrador called Jasper, pronounced Jaaasper.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Jaaasper. Come here. Heel!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Jaaasper. Will you put that down?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Argh! No, no!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Oh, I'm so sorry. I think he thinks your toddler's a pheasant.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17BARKING
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Jaaasper! Walkies!
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Right, party's off.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22What?! Come on, I need the business.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- Tough. Come on, think of an excuse. - Emergency walk?- Emergency walk.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27BOTH: Long way up, short way down. Go!
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Ok, task - excuse. Let's workshop this.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Umm...a family member is dying.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Not really going to work on my family.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- You're working? - Something she'd believe.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- Gym class?- Something she'd believe.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- Joined WeightWatchers? - Something she'd believe.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- A date?- Something she'd believe.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Hi, I'm looking for something for my niece's party.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Not now, customer. Sorry, we're on me.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Um, oh, actually, hang on.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00If you had to think of an excuse to get out of a party, what would you say?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Oh, er, I usually say, and I know it's awful, um...
0:09:03 > 0:09:04"Sorry, my mother's ill."
0:09:04 > 0:09:09I can't tell my mother my mother's ill. Have you thought this through?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11To be fair, I didn't know the circumstances.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Hopeless. Can you leave, please?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- You can't ask a customer to leave. - I can if he's annoying me.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- No, I'm happy to go. - He's happy to go.- No, stay.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- I'd rather go.- See? - Only because you bullied him.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Stay and browse.- No.- Stay and browse!
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Please, please, don't, don't hurt me.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Come on, let's get back to task excuse, yeah?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Let's do the thinking rubber bands.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Good idea. Actually, you can do pitch in. That'd be very helpful.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39We don't do the thinking caps here, we do the thinking rubber bands.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Okay, so, erm, sit down. That's it. OK.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Now, you pop it on your head and you see what springs to mind, OK?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49You ready? And go.
0:09:53 > 0:09:59- Ooh!- Anything?- No. - No. Ooh!- Ooh.. Nothing.- Nothing.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02You definitely got nothing?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05No. To be fair, I don't understand the world I've just walked into.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07How am I going to get out of it?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- Hey, relax.- Yeah, you know, stress is not good for the body.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Why don't you go for a nice massage?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15No. The last time I got stuck in the head hole. It wasn't relaxing.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- What about yoga? - I'm not allowed back.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20And breath in.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- And let it all out. - Well, it's my mum, you see.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25She's never listened and it winds me up.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Doesn't she realise I'm 34, with my own life to lead?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- Oh, no, it's Tilly. That's all I need.- Miranda?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I know you hate being set up,
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- but...- No, Tilly.- Sssh. I have found you someone tremendulent.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46He's an ex-Army doctor. "Dreamboat Charlie".
0:10:46 > 0:10:49You would not be punching below your weight. He's a total nudulator.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- I don't know...- Very sexy.- Sexy.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54He's literally just come back from La Grande Pomme,
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- where he's entre nous made a shed of Johnny Cashingtons.- Huh?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- He's made a lot of money in New York.- Right.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05And, sorry, bear with.
0:11:05 > 0:11:11Bear with. Bear with. Bear with.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Bear with. Back.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Yes, and he's seen a photo
0:11:19 > 0:11:20and he's still interested.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22That's a photo of you!
0:11:23 > 0:11:28- Miranda, why don't you go on a date with him? Then Penny might cancel the party.- No, I'm sorry.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I hate being set up. I can't.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Oh, that is a major pity - and his friend, Colonel Shame!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37You know where I am if you change your mind.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- Ciao, bella.- Emberg!
0:11:40 > 0:11:43THEY BOTH LAUGH
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- What part of not wanting to be set up do people not understand? - Here we go.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I hate to be anywhere that involves flirting, which,
0:11:56 > 0:12:00let me tell you, at 6 foot 1, is not easy. No-one's ever taller than me.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03I spend my time lowering the height with the forward knee bend.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07"How do you do, sir?" Trouble is your arms are suddenly
0:12:07 > 0:12:11disproportionately long, which is weird and moving off becomes tricky.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14They ask me for a drink, I have to follow like this.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22- I mean, imagine that! - Hey, calm down.- Have you ever thought about listening to whale music?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Oh, whale music! What a load of bollocks.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28WHALE MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Oh, that's nice!
0:12:30 > 0:12:36OK. Yes, I get in a dating state. But that's boarding school for you.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41Starved of male company for years, still now when a bloke says, "Hi," I think, nice spring wedding.
0:12:42 > 0:12:48I mean, essentially, I'm not fussy when it comes to men, my mother's choices aside. I have three rules.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Firstly, they're straight.
0:12:51 > 0:12:57Secondly, they're aged between 18 and 65.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Thirdly - quite particular this one -
0:13:00 > 0:13:02I can't abide a high pitched voice.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04You know, it's the David Beckham complex.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08They look great, say something, and the magic's gone.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Hi, I'm Miranda.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Nice to meet you.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15So, what brings you here?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Brrr! Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Hello? It's the new Nokia.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23"An emergency at home," you say?
0:13:25 > 0:13:26This is all Mum's fault.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31A "Pride and Prejudice" party? And if I hear "Such fun!" one more time.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- Miranda!- I tried to stop her.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36No, she'll want what I call "a party update".
0:13:36 > 0:13:43So, the Mr Darcy look-alike is happy to arrive dry and we can moisten him ourselves.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- The flowers...- No, Mum, please stop.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I... I definitely can't make Friday.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- Why not?- Erm, well,
0:13:51 > 0:13:55Stevie's little niece is seriously ill.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Oh, I'm sorry. That's awful.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01And I've said I'll do a shift that night, so...
0:14:01 > 0:14:06- Why can't Stevie look after her? - She can't, can she?- No, she can't.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- Why not?- You'd have to ask her.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- That's you.- Oh, yes.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- So, why can't she?- She's, I'm...
0:14:13 > 0:14:17umm...going to the cinema.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- Surely the child is more important? - The film is...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- Very important.- ..important.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- What is it? - It's...umm...- It's...
0:14:24 > 0:14:28It's Ice Age 3 - Dawn Of The Dinosaurs.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- Not important enough. - Not important enough.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32It's, um...
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- It's Citizen Kane.- Good.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Citizen Kane. Yeah.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40It is an important film, but I should have thought your family would come first.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Yes, Stevie. That's really insensitive of you to ask me
0:14:43 > 0:14:46to look after your niece so you can go to the cinema!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Oh, well, good. So we're all on.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Oh, goody(!)
0:14:50 > 0:14:56Wait. Penny, it must be a massive effort to host a party just to set Miranda up.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Particularly when she's already got a date. With a doctor.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Oh, no, darling, that's called an appointment.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- No, no. An Army doctor.- Really?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- Yeah. Friend of Tilly's.- Really?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Oh, what we save from the party we put towards the wedding.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- Good luck, darling. - Don't say, "Such fun."
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Well, if it annoys you that much, no I won't. Such fun.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Such fun! Ha! Ooh, a double!
0:15:25 > 0:15:29What did you do that for? You know I don't want to go on a date.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Well, it's the ticket out.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33And he might be nice.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35GIRLS: Argh!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39- Hellooo!- Oh, hello. You look nice.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Thank you, please, very much, please, thanks very to you.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- I'm meeting someone. - Yes, I know. Your mum just called.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49She's cancelled the party. She was going to spend a shedload here.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Don't blame me. It was her idea.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- I'm just meeting the man of my dreams.- And here I am.
0:15:54 > 0:15:59Oh, ha-ha-ha(!) Listen to my genuine laughter.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04So, who is this man of your dreams?
0:16:04 > 0:16:08A friend of Tilly's. She said he'd be wearing a red carnation, so look out...
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- A friend of Tilly's? - Yes, OK, he might be awful.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Can we have a signal, just in case I need help?- How about...
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Clive, it's got to be something subtle I can slip into a social situation.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25How can I make this seem natural on a date?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28All right, calm your plimsolls. Why don't you ask me for more sauce?
0:16:28 > 0:16:32And then I can say, "The kitchen's on fire. Everybody out."
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Perfect. I mean, I'm sure I won't need it. She said he was lovely.
0:16:53 > 0:17:00- Oh, hello.- Well, hello, Totty.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Enchante, what?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21So, Charlie, tell me.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24The nickname, "Dreamboat".
0:17:24 > 0:17:25How did that come about?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28It's the name of a floating brothel.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33To cut a bloody funny story short, I went in, with a few needs...
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Ooh, ooh, could it be shorter?
0:17:35 > 0:17:39- There was this girl, we were in a cubicle...- Really short. Like you.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40- The boat sank.- There we go.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47You know, I was sceptical, but blimey, Tilly got this right, what?
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Because she knows I fancy women I wouldn't necessarily beat in a fight.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Oh, where's the little fellow gone?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Erm, what can I get you?
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Booze. That should do it, eh?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Whatever you recommend.- OK.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Booze!
0:18:07 > 0:18:11I bloody love crisps, don't you?
0:18:12 > 0:18:13(Help!)
0:18:14 > 0:18:15(Who is this?)
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Right, here's some wine. - Thank you, Clive.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Clive, I was wondering if I could have some more sauce?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25You haven't ordered yet.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Clive, I just have a feeling I might need some more sauce.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35I just think you might need some menus!
0:18:35 > 0:18:40Don't you often wonder if food could talk what it would sound like?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Hi, I'm an olive!
0:18:43 > 0:18:44It's a bloody funny game.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- Gorgeous!- Get off!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Clive. Clive.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Gary, how's the kitchen?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57It's not on fire, is it?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Er, no, no, the kitchen's fine. Why?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03No reason, you bastard. No reason at all.
0:19:03 > 0:19:08Listen, I know we've not even eaten yet, but I'm feeling chemistry.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Would you be on for coming back to mine for a bit of
0:19:11 > 0:19:12pumpy de rumpy?!
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Oh!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Silly me! I appear to have spilt my drink.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Excuse me for one second, please.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Oh!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I'm going to kill you both. Come here. Come.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- Morning. - Oh, dear, pyjamas in the work place?
0:19:39 > 0:19:43It was really bad. I'm still in shock.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Tilly's already told Mum I'm not interested in Charlie,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47so the party, and set up, are back on.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- You do know you might have to go, don't you?- I know.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56The only way of not being set up is if you were already engaged
0:19:56 > 0:20:00and, well, I mean this in the nicest, most well-meaning way possible,
0:20:00 > 0:20:04but that is not going to happen in 24 years, is it? Let alone 24 hours.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07I'm not that bad.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- Hi.- Oh, hi.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14When I'm naked in bed and I roll over, my breasts clap.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Hi, I never got anything for my niece's party.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Do you think this is a good time?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25There never seems to be a good time.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- Oh, can you ask Miranda for her hand in marriage?- What?!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- If you pretend you're together, problem solved.- Oh, that's good.
0:20:33 > 0:20:38- Hi! When I'm naked in bed and roll over, my breasts...- No, not helping.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- I only came in for indoor fireworks. - I know it's weird, customer.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46I'm calling you that as it would be odder if I found out your name now.
0:20:46 > 0:20:53But if you don't pretend to marry me, I might become Miranda de Tory, this is my husband Ed-MUND. OK?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55This is what you'd wake up to every morning.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00- Again, not helping.- Very rude. Who wouldn't want some of this, eh?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02This of a morning? Do you like it?
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Little sheep, ha!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09I can't. For a start, I'm already married.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- Oh, well, just end it. Is that too much to ask?- To a man. I'm gay.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Oh, really?- Oh, right. You don't believe me?- Well, Mum would.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19She thinks anyone still single on the verge of 40 is a lesbian.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Oh, hello.- Hello.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- That's good.- That's very good.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27If you come out, there's a chance your mother will never talk to you again.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30This plan has no downside.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35# I'm coming out
0:21:35 > 0:21:37# I want the world to know
0:21:37 > 0:21:40# Got to let it show
0:21:40 > 0:21:43# I'm coming out I want the world to know... #
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Uh, customer.- Just us. - Sorry.- Always just us.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52Ah, Mum. Listen, I've got something to tell you. Put your pen down.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55You don't need to arrange the party or set me up because,
0:21:55 > 0:21:59well, I am glad you are sitting down. Because the thing is...
0:22:00 > 0:22:01..I'm gay.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02I knew it.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Gary, you owe me 50 quid.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Oh, darling, I am, what I call, thrilled.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16This is fantastic news.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- What?- I always had my suspicions and kept hoping.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24You bat for the other side and all this time I didn't think you batted for anyone.
0:22:24 > 0:22:29But who knew your wicket was being thoroughly knocked by a bowler with no balls?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32And I understand the lure. We've all been the way of the lily.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- What?- Belinda and I had a fun time at school.
0:22:35 > 0:22:41- La, la, da, da!- Sorry, eh, Gary, sorry, party's off.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42- What?!- Miranda's a lesbian.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Well, why don't we make it a coming out party?
0:22:45 > 0:22:46Ooh!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51That's a splendid idea.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54(No way! Help me! Help!)
0:22:57 > 0:22:58(Help!)
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- Gary. You... - Sorry, I didn't think she'd say yes.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08Just because you want the business. You are something that I'm too nice to say.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Party's on, party's off. It's almost like I'm in some kind of farce.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Listen, Mum, I'm not ready for a coming out pa...
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Darling, it's 2009, deal with it. I've already got the dress theme -
0:23:19 > 0:23:22simply "famous lesbians throughout history".
0:23:22 > 0:23:26That's a room full of people dressed as either KD Lang or Sandi Toksvig.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29No, I tell you what. We've got the Pride And Prejudice outfits -
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- let's do Tipping The Velvet. - This is going really badly.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35We'll have to find you a suitable partner.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Don't set me up.- Is there someone?
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Yes. Erm...
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Stevie.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Oh, your father and I had hoped for something rather better than that.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48But on the plus side, he owes me 50 quid.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Oh, I've just had a thought.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Gary, I'll come back later to discuss everything.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Darling, before they close, I seem to remember the National Trust
0:23:58 > 0:24:02do life membership discounts for lesbians. Come on!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I hate you. And I hate you.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13De-de-de-de-de! Can you please explain what's going on now?
0:24:13 > 0:24:18- I thought you were coming out. Why is this still Pride And Prejudice? - It's not. OK, here's the thing.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22We're an item, Mum's hosting us a Tipping The Velvet-themed coming out party,
0:24:22 > 0:24:24we're members of the National Trust
0:24:24 > 0:24:27and can book our civil partnership there at a 10% discount.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31You've got me life membership to the National Trust?
0:24:31 > 0:24:35You're definitely focussing on the wrong bit.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- Everybody! They're here! - What are we going to do?
0:24:38 > 0:24:42We'll just have to get on with it. Come on, lesbian role play.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Hurrah for the lesbians!
0:24:49 > 0:24:54Stevie, stop acting the couple. This is going to get creepy and complicated.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Sorry? Are you ashamed of me?
0:24:56 > 0:25:01- What?- I think you'll find your family would be amazed, nay, mightily impressed with me on your arm.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- Look at me! I'm a hot fox.- Stevie.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Suddenly I'm not good enough for you.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09You do know you're not really a lesbian?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- This is all your fault. You know that?- Sorry(!)
0:25:13 > 0:25:16I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm supposed to be at my niece's.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Everything all right, darling?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Just going to check on the Lesbian Blancmange.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Deliberate.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38So you've seen Edmund Dettori?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Such a shame. I thought he was perfect.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43That is Edmund De Tory?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45But he doesn't have a weird face.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Oh, Dettori. D-E-T-T-O-R-I.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Italian, yes.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Right! That's it. Everybody! Can I have your attention, please?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Just a short announcement.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58This will come as a shock to some,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00particularly as this is a coming out party,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03but it turns out, the thing is, I'm straight.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06ALL: Aw!
0:26:11 > 0:26:16Darling, you are a what I call, "nightmare", but I still love you.
0:26:16 > 0:26:22- Now please allow me to do all what I wanted to do in the first place and introduce you to Edmund.- Go on then.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Good luck.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Oh, wow, Mr Darcy.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29You look better than I've ever imagined in that.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33- Miranda?- Better go.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Yes, of course. To meet the man of your dreams.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Edmund?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40This is Miranda.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Nice to meet you. Thank you very much for coming, please.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47(HIGH-PITCHED) And thank you for organising a wonderful night.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Um, sorry, have you got something stuck in your throat?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57A little quiche or something?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59No, I'm fine, thank you.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- Good night, everyone! - Miranda, you can't leave.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07- This is your party.- Such fun.- No...
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Such fun. Such fun. Such fun.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. And Run!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Not fun. Not fun. Not fun. Not in any way fun.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:00 > 0:28:03E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk