0:00:02 > 0:00:04Hello, and may I say, you are looking lovely this evening.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Oh, thank you very much.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10That was me assuming the compliment was returned. No?
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Rude.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15So, previously in my life, my mum drags me to her friend's...
0:00:15 > 0:00:19posh name alert - Clemency Twisleton-Ott -
0:00:19 > 0:00:21her party. Could have gone better.
0:00:23 > 0:00:28I thought this was fruit, but I think this runch has got pum in it.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Darling, if you embarrass me...
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Look at my canape accessories!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Formal occasions...urgh.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47I hate it when you're introduced to someone and there's that awkward pause before conversation starts.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48I never know what to say.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51It's fine if you're introduced to people with lots to talk about...
0:00:51 > 0:00:56This is Jane, she's head of the church roof campaign
0:00:56 > 0:01:00AND lectures on Matisse in her spare time.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03And this is Miranda...
0:01:05 > 0:01:08This is Miranda.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12I've got a pimple on my bottom that looks like a spaniel.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Do you want to see it?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17You'd expect that to have been the worst social occasion of my week.
0:01:17 > 0:01:23It wasn't. Chris and Alison, Gary's friends from the restaurant, invited me to their baby shower.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Even the notion!
0:01:24 > 0:01:29- Booties, little booties!- Aaah!
0:01:29 > 0:01:33To go with the vesties - little vesties!
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Wine-y, little wine-y!
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Is no-one else drinking?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42You really shouldn't if you're expecting.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I've got one thing to say to you.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46SHE BURPS
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Right, onwards with the show, my chums.
0:02:00 > 0:02:06So, in conclusion, you have got to make your ones and sevens clearer.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Yes? One,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10seven.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12"Oh, sorry, what's that you're saying, Heather?"
0:02:12 > 0:02:14"Miranda..."
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- SHE SINGS - # What have you done today to make you feel proud?
0:02:17 > 0:02:22"Oh, she's done nothing but ruin our tax return with absolutely..."
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- OK, I get it.- Shush, please! Heather's still speaking.
0:02:27 > 0:02:33"The only numbers Miranda's any good at are After Eights and 99s."
0:02:35 > 0:02:38You are funny, Heather.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40You're both ridiculous.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Right, has my new phone charged?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Oh, it's flashing.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Does that mean messages?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Oh, I've got two new messages.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- You never get any messages.- I know. But I'm currently with message.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- VOICEMAIL:- 'It's all very sudden.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57'So sorry to leave such sad news.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59'The service is on the 5th at noon.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02'Missenden Cemetery. Would mean so much if you could come.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04'Take care, bye.'
0:03:04 > 0:03:07That's...today. I didn't hear the beginning of the message.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Is it hash to replay on these?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12'Message deleted.'
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Oh! No, no, who's died?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16'Next message.'
0:03:16 > 0:03:18'Hi, it's your mother.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22'The man in the chemist won't report you but recommends you see a gynae...'
0:03:28 > 0:03:30What a face. Who died?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32No... I don't know!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Someone has died, but I didn't hear the beginning of the message,
0:03:35 > 0:03:40I don't know who it was from, and Mum's not picking up. Gary...
0:03:40 > 0:03:41maybe Gary's died.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- Hi!- Argh!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Is that you? Are you alive?
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Oh, he's alive!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Oh, let me keep checking.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59He's alive.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00I made some muffins.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- What's going on?- Someone's dead, don't know who, funeral in two hours.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I can't go, can I? Not when I don't know who's in the box.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10It'll be like Deal Or No Deal, but with people.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- You've got to go.- Yeah, you might want to pay respects to...
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- whoever.- No, you're right. OK, I'd better get ready.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- It's the grief. - It's not grief, it's greed.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30A savoury muffin?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33LIFE is full of enough disappointments, Gary.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37SAVOURY muffin?!
0:04:40 > 0:04:42I don't know you anymore.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Mum? Mum?
0:04:51 > 0:04:56- Thank goodness. I've been trying to get hold of you. Why didn't you call? - I didn't want you here.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I was going to tell everyone you're in prison -
0:04:59 > 0:05:02less embarrassing than having to admit you're still single.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Miranda, hi! Glad you got my message.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Georgina, right...
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Come and sit with me.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Right, can I just ask...hang on.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Mum, Mum...
0:05:11 > 0:05:13SHE MOUTHS: Who's in the box?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- SHE MOUTHS:- Who's in what box?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Welcome to Missenden Chapel Of Rest.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Death is a time for sorrow, but it is also a time to give thanks.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27So we're going to hear a few words
0:05:27 > 0:05:30from some family members Georgina has chosen.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Beginning with Miranda.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39We thought it would be nice.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Really? Does anyone else want to go first?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Miranda!- Right, OK.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Good.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56Well, what can I say about this person?
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Well, they're dead, obviously.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Otherwise they're in for a nasty shock when they wake up.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08When I think of...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I think...
0:06:13 > 0:06:15you!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Because, they were...you know... weren't they?
0:06:19 > 0:06:24- He was.- He! So he's male, dead and my relative.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Uncle Michael...
0:06:31 > 0:06:33..loved him.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Cousin Stewart...
0:06:36 > 0:06:37is here.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42Hello! Hi to you. Great Uncle Jim...
0:06:43 > 0:06:45..is dead. Brilliant!
0:06:46 > 0:06:50No, HE was brilliant.
0:06:50 > 0:06:56And I'm sure he's thankful you're all here in this sad, sad situation.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Don't sing. # Sad, sad situation,
0:06:59 > 0:07:04# And it's getting More and more absurd
0:07:04 > 0:07:07# It's sad, so sad,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10# Why can't we talk it over?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13# Well... # That would be tricky...
0:07:13 > 0:07:16cos he's dead and in a box.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Sorry. No. Hit it.
0:07:18 > 0:07:24ORGAN STARTS UP # What do I do to make you love me? #
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Quick!
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I really wanted to introduce you to that vicar - so dishy.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Please, I want to leave with a shred of dignity intact.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Oh, it was mortifying. I wish the ground could have swallowed me up.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- Better?- Yeah, thank you.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- What happened?- I fell in a grave.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- Gary, stop it!- Sorry!
0:07:57 > 0:08:01Seriously, it really freaked me out. If I die tomorrow, what have I achieved?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Excuse me, can I put these sponsorship forms on the bar?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- I've been asking all the shops in the street.- Sure, what's it for?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I'm doing a parachute jump for charity.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12"I'm doing a parachute jump for charity."
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Show off.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Get out!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- Excuse me! - Well, he's making me feel guilty.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20You see, people DO things with their lives.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I mean, what will people say at my funeral?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Seriously, would I have a good eulogy?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Of course you would.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Oh, OK...
0:08:28 > 0:08:30"Here lies Miranda. She was warm..."
0:08:30 > 0:08:32"Very warm.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35"Because she...
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"carried that extra little bit of weight."
0:08:40 > 0:08:43"She was a sweaty woman, but nice!"
0:08:45 > 0:08:47"Sweaty but nice..."
0:08:47 > 0:08:49is what you'd say at my funeral?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Oh, no - Chris and Alison...
0:08:52 > 0:08:54They're sweet and really like you, OK?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- Hello!- Hello!- Hello!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- Hello!- Hello!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03BOTH: Hello!
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- Did you want to...?- Hang on, there's someone you haven't said hello to.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Say hello to baby.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12You want me to say hello to the baby in your womb?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- BOTH:- Press the intercom!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Said it at the same time!
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Hello, baby.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- SHE PUTS ON BABY VOICE: - Hello, Auntie Miranda!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- How lovely to meet you! - Baby's speaking!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32It's not the baby though, is it?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34It's Alison!
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Now Gary, we want a word with you.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39We're too excited to wait to ask people.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Would you do us the honour of being godfather to baby?
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Oh, wow! Guys, yes, of course.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- It would be a privilege. - Oh, thank you.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- And godmother, Miranda...- Oh, yes...
0:09:49 > 0:09:53We want you to know you are very much in the running.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Oh, that's kind, isn't it?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58In the running!
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Well, we best be off. Anti-natal classes.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Two, three...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Oh, hi, guys, what are you doing?
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Can't chat. Tilly's helping me to organise tomorrow's charity wine tasting
0:10:13 > 0:10:16for the new wing of the local hospice. Must get on.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Charity vino taste-icles.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23What? Mum, you could have asked me to help. Why Tilly?
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Hello, Rudeulant! I am well known for my good deeds.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Sometimes people at work call me Mrs Dalai the La-la-lama.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Well, you know I also give myself freely to others.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Not sexually.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40I mean, you know, doing good before I die, so yes, I'll help.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Planning meeting. Such fun.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45First on the agenda is the sommelier.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47He many not be able to come.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Oh! Major Disaster and his friend Colonel Cock-up.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55I'll call him later but he might be stuck in what I call, Monte Carlo.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I think we all call it Monte Carlo.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02Right, so Bunty has persuaded Prue Leith to rustle up some Amuse Bouches,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05so we just need to write a list of the nibbles that we want.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Nibbles, always hard to manage I find.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34- What about mini frittata?- Oh, is she coming? Be nice to see her again.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36No, mini frittata - it's a nibble.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Oh, sorry, I thought you meant a friend from school.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Miranda, I think it's best if you leave us to it.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44You're thinking of Focaccia Pilkington.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Yes, you see, it IS confusing. Well, let me do something.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52Miranda, this is a social occasion.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54What's the first thing you do in a formal situation?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Easy. Find where the eats are coming from, intercept them, stash them.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01You greet with a "such fun", a statement and a laugh.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08Miranda, such fun! You'd never have guessed her pashmina was from M&S.
0:12:08 > 0:12:15And the laugh this season is based on the song Poker Face by Lady GaGa.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19# Can't read my Can't read my poker face.... #
0:12:19 > 0:12:22SHE LAUGHS TO TUNE
0:12:25 > 0:12:27There was one thing you could do.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29"Queen Kong 'to do' list.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33"Don't get chucked out and ruin it."
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I haven't been chucked out of anywhere for three years.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Since last week! Look, I won't ruin it.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42It's not like I go around punching vicars. I tell you what,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45the hospice do visitor volunteering,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I'm going to put my name down right now for that.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51That is the kind of charity people remember after you've gone.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Who's the loser now?
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Clive, can you unhook my bag? I'm trying to sweep out.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Just give me the chair!
0:13:06 > 0:13:10"And he saw her walk away and knew she was the woman for him."
0:13:10 > 0:13:15Aaah! Right, well I better talk to someone else now, OK?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Because she's farted.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Hello! Would you like a visit?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27My name's Miranda. And...
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Oh, that's quite rude.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32He's not dead, is he?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34MAN SCREAMS
0:13:35 > 0:13:39ALL SCREAM
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Geriatric screaming dominoes!
0:13:42 > 0:13:46# There'll be blue birds over... #
0:13:46 > 0:13:50- Make it stop!- You're rude, actually! OK, just relax.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I can see something that will cheer you right up!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56What's going on here?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- Right that's it. You - out. - Oh, what?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- Your fault.- Kong Pants... You're not getting chucked out?
0:14:06 > 0:14:11No, no. This is my boyfriend, we're seeing each other.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I think you should leave now.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I think you should leave now, tease.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Aah!
0:14:17 > 0:14:22- Security!- Oh, role play, yeah, kinky - that's what we're about.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I'll play fugitive.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Chase me!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29No, not really!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Hello, Florence Nightingale, how did it go?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- Good, yeah... I think... - You got chucked out, didn't you?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I got chucked out.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Meals on Wheels.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Could you pass that on to Miranda for me, please? I'm double parked.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49There's also some brochures for her to look at. See you tomorrow.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55These are for care homes?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59And you've got a bus pass...
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Oh, I see.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Born in 1914. But I was born in 1974.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07See? I said your ones and sevens were incomprehensible.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10They couldn't read your council tax form.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12The council think I'm 96!
0:15:12 > 0:15:18Ooh Heather, what a marvellous "I told you so" gift.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20You'll have to ring the council.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Well, not before I've enjoyed my meal on a wheel.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28Whenever I think of meals on wheels, I always think of little Yorkshire puddings on roller skates.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32- But you're weird.- You're weird. - You're weird.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34SHE SINGS # What have I done today? #
0:15:34 > 0:15:36You're weird.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39You're weird.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- You're weird.- You're weird.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- You're weird.- YOU'RE WEIRD!
0:15:45 > 0:15:49You're weird. I won.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Are you OK?- Yeah fine, yeah.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Well, apart from the fact that I can't do good, won't have any kind of
0:15:57 > 0:16:02eulogy, everyone thinks I'm hopeless, even Chris and Alison have only got me "in the running" for godmother.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- I'll ask Gary to put in a good word for you.- No, don't worry.
0:16:05 > 0:16:12No, but listen, you godmother, Gary, godfather! Nice!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- You'd share a god-daughter.- Yeah, be like we're sort of god-married.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Then we could go on a goddy-moon.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- It's taking it too far. - Taking what too far?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Um, Clive's taking it too far.
0:16:24 > 0:16:31Um, he said to me, shall I take my dog for a walk to Prestatyn?
0:16:31 > 0:16:36- And I said, no, that's taking it... - BOTH: Too far.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41So I'm just going to take him to Bristol instead.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- Good.- Queen Kong, you been chucked out of anywhere recently?
0:16:45 > 0:16:50SHE LAUGHS ANNOYINGLY
0:16:50 > 0:16:55Excuse me, busy busy for le wine tasting, le wine tasting.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Well, no excuse me excuse me, because me too, me too, so am I, so am I, so I am.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I presume you are kiddingtons?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04No, because,
0:17:04 > 0:17:08the only chucking out I'll be doing is out of a plane for my charity parachute jump.
0:17:08 > 0:17:14Yes, I'm going to register to jump 10,000, 10,000 feet?!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Ooh, whilst strapped to an instructor.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Bit of a bonus.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Will there be a parachute... Big enough?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26No, seriously?
0:17:26 > 0:17:31You can shove my parachute up your skinny amuse-bouche exit hole.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I would like to sweep out just once, Clive.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Thank you. ...Exit hole.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Sweeping, thank you.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Look at my sweep-ingtons.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Hi, is registration still open for the parachute jump?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Yes, just in time. Would you like to register?
0:17:54 > 0:17:58No, I thought I'd come along, see if you're open, and then pop home again.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Oh, all right.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Next!- No, no, I was joking.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05All right, um well there's a few details to fill out there.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07There's some medical questions as well.
0:18:07 > 0:18:12OK. Ooh, jumping out of a plane for charity. We could die happy tomorrow.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16Statistically it's very unlikely that you'll actually die.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20No, I wasn't saying that you'd die on the jump, I meant if we died, we'd feel good about ourselves.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24I don't think you'd feel good plummeting to your death.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28I'm not saying you'd feel good dying, I'm just, is he a little bit thick?
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Little bit thick.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I'm just saying... It doesn't matter.
0:18:32 > 0:18:37Right, are you or could you be pregnant?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Well, you know, I could be.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43When did you last have intercourse?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Don't worry. I'm not pregnant.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- But it's for our insurance.- I'm not.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51- You said you might be. - I'm really not.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- It's for our insurance.- I haven't had sex for three years!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Good.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Right, I just need to see some ID.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Oh, I'm not sure I've got anything.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Bus pass.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10It says here that you're 96.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Our insurance company doesn't insure people over 80.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Yes, but I'm obviously not 96.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17That's not what it says here.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19But I hope that's what it says here.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- How old are you?- Late 20s.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Specifically?- 35.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28So, could you please tell the insurance I'm under 80?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31We can't do it without ID, I'm afraid.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Is that the instructor you get strapped to for the jump?- Yeah.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Just out of interest, can you do that part without the ID?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42You just want to do the training?
0:19:42 > 0:19:46I just want to know if I could strap myself tightly to... Ooh, hello!
0:19:49 > 0:19:51She hasn't had sex in three years.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55I have never liked you.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Watch my sweep.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04I'm going to give up doing good, it keeps back firing.
0:20:04 > 0:20:081974, yes. Someone misread the one.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Morning. We come bearing news.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Gary's been telling us about your good deeds.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19And we can now reveal the person joining Gary as godparent will be...
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- BOTH: Miranda! - Oh, really? Ah, that's lovely.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26And, there's something else.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31We wanted the godmother to do the honour of being my birthing partner.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- We ran it past Gary.- Ummm...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39That's her excited voice.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42No, well, hang on, what about Chris?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Well, you see we want a video of the birth.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50- I want to be down the business end focussing on dilation. - BOTH: Ooh, too much information!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53How amazing to witness the cervix peeling open.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55La, la, la, la, la...
0:20:55 > 0:20:58# La, la, la... #
0:20:58 > 0:21:00#La, la, la, la, la! #
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Just a spot-o, Kylie.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08Now normal "cervix" can be resumed.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10No?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Oh, pressing down on bladder.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Do you mind if I use your... - Toilet, yes.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Oh, it's happened again, I've got an empathy wee coming.
0:21:21 > 0:21:26- Gary, how could you sign me up to be birthing partner?- Sorry, I didn't mean for that to happen.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I will not do it. I've got to get out of their lives.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33- You can't just say you don't want to be godmother.- They'd be mortified.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38OK, well, I'll have to do bad, show they've made a wrong choice.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I thought you were doing good. That's why I suggested it.
0:21:41 > 0:21:46Well, I will forgo any kind of eulogy to get away from peeling cervixes.
0:21:46 > 0:21:51- Hello?- Hello!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Well, we'd best be off. Come on, dumpling.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59Before you go, I'm not sure you've made the right choice.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03No, no, Miranda isn't fit to be a godmother.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06She stole what she's wearing from a charity shop.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Yes.
0:22:07 > 0:22:12Stealing is often a sign of low self-esteem.
0:22:12 > 0:22:18In your case, that's understandable. But being a godmummy will help that.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21When a woman has no chance of having a child herself...
0:22:23 > 0:22:28We can give the gift of getting involved in another child's life.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35So we'll meet you at the restaurant later, yes, to talk birthing plans.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45I will have to do something intrinsically evil.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Mein Kampf.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Well, I'd be an unnaceptable godparent if I'm waiting for
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- them at the restaurant, reading a whole load of Hitler.- Shush!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Sorry.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Shush!
0:23:00 > 0:23:05- I was just saying sorry.- Shush!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- Right, you can put those...- Shush!
0:23:10 > 0:23:14No, you shush.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16I was shushing you.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19No, I do the shushing around here.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26- Shush.- It's the chair.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- Shush. - It's my jacket.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Shush!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I can't move now.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42SHE COUGHS LOUDLY
0:23:51 > 0:23:56Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Ooh, this is nice.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Ah, Danielle the Daisy Fairy.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06That's more like it.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Lovely.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Oh, it's lovely.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- Excuse me?- Hmm?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20They're on this.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Right.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24What's happening?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Oh! Oh, I see.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Right. OK. Hello.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35So, chapter one...
0:24:35 > 0:24:40"Limpy stuck his head out of the grass."
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- Use the puppet.- All right, bossy.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50"And peered up and down the highway.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52"He felt his..."
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Oh, no, no.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57She's going to be our own Mary Poppins.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59No. I don't even like children.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02I'm actually reading Mein Kampf to them.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08So children, the master race, mmm, evil, where have they...
0:25:08 > 0:25:12I think you should leave.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13I blame you.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19I just got caught reading Mein Kampf to children.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Well, that IS evil.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Chris and Alison didn't see though. I try and do good, I do bad.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I try bad, I do good. I wish I hadn't started it now.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30You can't hear what people say at your funeral anyway.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34- I'm so sorry for your loss.- What?
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- The council took Miranda off the meals on wheels list so that can only mean...- Oh, yes.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Sad, but she had a wonderful life.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- She was a good woman. Wasn't she, Stevie?- Ummm...
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Yes, she was.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Miranda was a kind, considerate...
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- Self-absorbed...- Caring woman. Who only ever thought of...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- Herself.- Others.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55- She had an excellent...- Appetite.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Sense of humour.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00When she walked in to a room, it...
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- Smelt.- Lit up.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03- Such was her...- Wind.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Presence.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Her death is a total...
0:26:07 > 0:26:08- Relief.- Loss.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12What a lovely eulogy.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Ah, thank you. Eulogy, tick.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Now I've just got to do evil for Chris and Alison and then cope with Mum's party.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I'm not being rude, but unlikely.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30FAKE LAUGHTER
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Didn't get it, covered it up.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- Hi, coping?- Yes, not bad.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38It's just a shame Mr and Mrs Empathy Wee are here.
0:26:38 > 0:26:43I swear, if they say one more gross thing, I will do something drastic to get out of being god mother.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Miranda, let me introduce you to James the vicar.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Vicar!
0:26:47 > 0:26:51You remember Miranda?
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Yes.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58It looks funny, a vicar with a glass of wine, looks a bit naughty.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Do you swear? Say bollocks. - I'd rather not.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- Oh, hello Chris.- Ah, vicar. Hello.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06James is the vicar doing our christening.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Miranda is Alison's birth partner, who in the traditional ceremony
0:27:10 > 0:27:13we aim to replicate, is responsible for the burial of the placenta.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Aaah!
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Right, that is it.
0:27:16 > 0:27:21Mother, Father, forgive me, because I know exactly what I'm about to do.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Just punched a vicar, unprovoked.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- Evil.- Did she just punch a vicar?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- You just punched a vicar. - Just punched a vicar.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- I can't believe you punched a vicar. - I just punched a vicar.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Unacceptable!
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Queen Kong, all you had to do was not get chucked out and ruin it.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44- I think you should leave. - Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, I realised where we met.
0:27:44 > 0:27:50- You read to my aunt in hospital before she died and we are so grateful.- Oh, my pleasure.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Hang on, you're the woman who did the parachute jump. Oh, so brave.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I chickened out.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00We should all look up to you, selflessly giving your time for others.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Well, one does one's best. A ha-ha!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Everyone, everyone.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11This is Miranda, my daughter.
0:28:11 > 0:28:16She does parachute jumps and volunteers at the local hospital.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20Ah, the pleasure's all yours.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Hit it, Clive.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- MUSIC STARTS - May I?- You may!
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:03 > 0:29:06E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk