0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hello to you! Come on, settle down. You, coming in with your cup of tea, you're late.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09Obviously I can't see you, but if you WERE coming in with a cup of tea
0:00:09 > 0:00:11then, spooky/exciting moment!
0:00:13 > 0:00:15So, previously in my life,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18it became obvious why I have an element of the prude about me.
0:00:18 > 0:00:23Mum? Dad? Listen, I wondered if I could borrow that...
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Urgh, my eyes!
0:00:24 > 0:00:30Sorry, darling. Tuesday nights are now naughty knitting nights.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Such fun.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Not fun!
0:00:32 > 0:00:35What else? Oh, yes, I've got a new friend.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Tamara, she's waitressing at the restaurant.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41She's only 22, but I keep up pretty well. Oh yeah.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Oh, Tamara, I think you've put a sausage roll in the scotch egg tub.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Doesn't matter. Go with the flow.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Hey, let's roll down the hill.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Right, OK. Crazy, the mind of the youth.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59I don't like it, I don't, that is horrible. Why would you do that?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01And Gary and I haven't talked
0:01:01 > 0:01:04since he suggested we have, um, (sex).
0:01:04 > 0:01:08But I'm not bothered, no, cos I have a very exciting and fulfilling home life.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Oh, yeah, I mean, last night was crazy.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24See? Good times. Right, let's jolly on with the show.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38What are you doing?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41MIRANDA GASPS
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Youths!
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Look at them, they're like a pack of be-shellsuited hyenas.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Hyenae.- Hyenae, I bet they don't even care about Latin plurals.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Well, don't start speaking in Latin plurals.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55I won't. I hope not to engage with them at all.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56THEY GASP
0:01:56 > 0:02:00- Oh, no!- Right. Don't let them smell our fear. Just act casual.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04THEY HUM THE ARCHERS THEME
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Why are we singing The Archer's theme tune?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Let me get this, innit? Man here wants it for his yat. D'you get me?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Absolutely, yeah, totally.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I like your mask.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Is it a Halloween one?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17THEY LAUGH
0:02:17 > 0:02:19That's so funny.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20No, but for real though.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- You're kind of trim for a teabag, though. Do you know what I mean?- Yes!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26No!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- Phew.- How pathetic.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32We are grown women.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Well, one of us has grown. Tiny!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Right, I'm off to the restaurant.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- Off to meet Tamara, are we? - What do you mean, "are we"?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I'm just off to meet Tamara for a coffee.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Going for a coffee with Tamara, are we?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49She's just as much my friend.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53No, she's not, because I was the one who made friends with her.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56You're a friend of a friend. Friend-ish. Friendoid.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Well, I'm not competing.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Oh, whatever. Yeah? You're jealous cos I've someone else to have fun with.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Well, I have more fun with Tamara.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07On my fun scale, she's 85%, you are just 40.
0:03:07 > 0:03:1240?! Who invented Cake Soup and Roulade Roulette?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14I'll tell you who, Captain Fun Times.
0:03:14 > 0:03:19Well, did I, or did I not, invent Talk Like Duncan Bannatyne Day?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Boring. Very boring game.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24The game that you love, is my game: Where's Miranda?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Found her!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Opening the door, are we?
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Putting "are we" after a fact does not make it an insult.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- What are you doing?- Just taking an early lunch break to meet my friend.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- My friend.- My friend. - My friend.- My friend.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Ooh, wearing our coat from Gap for Kids, are we?
0:03:54 > 0:03:55It does work.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Excuse me, I'm first... THEY SQUABBLE
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Hi, Clive. Is Tamara here?
0:04:03 > 0:04:07She's buying milk. I'd say she won't be long, but she's probably skiving again.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09It's all finished. Just a loose wing nut.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11BOTH: Phwoar!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Just needed a bit of muscle, that's all, know what I mean?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Cheers. Yeah, I thought it was probably the wing nut.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Here you go, mate. There's a score.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Cheers, mate. Be lucky. - All right, son.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28- What?- You just tried to get all builder alpha male.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31What do you mean "tried to"? I'm alpha male.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Ryan! Ryan! Excuse me.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Just add a bit of parsley.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37"Just add a bit of parsley".
0:04:37 > 0:04:38All right!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Oooh!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Miranda, can we...?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- So have you thought any more about us...?- What?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48The "us spending the night together"
0:04:48 > 0:04:51thingimyjig? A bit.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I've literally thought of nothing else.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Great. I still really want to give us a chance,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59so I wondered if you might want to go on another date this week?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- Yeah. Great.- Great.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- So I'm alpha male enough for you, then?- You, alpha male?!
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Sorry, sorry.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Tamara!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- Tamara!- Tamara, Tamara...
0:05:10 > 0:05:11# We love you, Tamara
0:05:11 > 0:05:15# You're only a day away. #
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Oh, what a lovely welcome. Hey, girls.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I'll put the milk in the fridge, then, shall I?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I thought you said she was a good waitress in Hong Kong.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Give it a rest.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29So, I've just been handed this leaflet for an art class, for painting, from tonight.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Thought maybe it's fate. You up for it?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- Yeah, sure.- Yeah, wicked, yeah.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- I've always liked art. Do you like Botticelli?- Oh, amazing.- Amazing.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- You don't know what Botticelli is. - Yes, I do. It's an ice cream.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Yes, obviously that was a joke.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48So... Botticelli is?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Um...
0:05:51 > 0:05:54A painter.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55When did he paint?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58He painted in...
0:05:58 > 0:06:00HE MOUTHS
0:06:00 > 0:06:01SHE MANGLES THE WORDS
0:06:01 > 0:06:04HE MOUTHS
0:06:04 > 0:06:06He painted in...the renAI-ssance!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I've always said it like that.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12And what kind of paintings?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Big ones...
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- specialising in... - HE MOUTHS
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Oooh...
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Nuu...
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Nuuudes.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30He painted nuuudes in the RenAI-ssance.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Yeah, so count ME in, yeah.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Great. I'll get some drinks.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38"Nuuuddes"? Being an idiot, are we?
0:06:38 > 0:06:43- Slapping me, are we? - Ow!- No, you hit me first.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Stop it! Oi! Oh, hi, Tamara.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Coming down the stairs, are we?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Sitting behind the till, are we?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Using the "are we", are we?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Hi, darling. Hi, Stevie, how are you?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- Well, I'm all right...- Oh, good.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07Now... Look what your hip mother has got herself.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10A portable phone.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15It's a mo-bile. Only 20 years behind.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19I wasn't going to get one on principle, but your father insisted.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21He said saucy text messages were all the rage.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25I thought being rude on the phone meant working for BT.
0:07:26 > 0:07:32Now listen, Phyllida's cousin, Julian Langtuttington, single,
0:07:32 > 0:07:36is arranging a vegan barbecue. I mean, what is the point?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38What are they going to do, grill a bread roll?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41But then again Julian is a little bit...
0:07:41 > 0:07:42SHE MOUTHS
0:07:42 > 0:07:45He thought pot pourri was a tropical disease.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46I think he needs...
0:07:46 > 0:07:48SHE MOUTHS
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- No, you see, all I'm seeing is... - SHE MOUTHS
0:07:51 > 0:07:53FULL-TIME CARE!
0:07:53 > 0:07:54All right!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Phyllida's going to text me the details.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01- You should've asked, I could've been busy. - THEY LAUGH
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- PHONE BEEPS - Ooh!
0:08:07 > 0:08:08A text!
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Oh, bear with, bear with.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Such fun.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Oh, just wear your glasses.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20It's bad for your eyes to strain.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I think glasses look very elegant on an older woman.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- Older woman? - A mature lady. A woman of your age.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32And what age would that be?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Oh, um...
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Scared!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Six... Fifty-ni...
0:08:40 > 0:08:41eigh...
0:08:41 > 0:08:46sev...fifty-si...fou...
0:08:46 > 0:08:4849?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Very elegant.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55As long as you don't wear them on a chain, cos that can make you look very old.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58What do you mean by very old?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00She keeps walking in to it.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Old, you know, when you're like six...
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Ooh!
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Over a hundred, like your 120s.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Right.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- So darling, tonight, at...- Oh, I can't tonight, I've got plans.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- What?- An art class. I do things!
0:09:16 > 0:09:21Miranda, the last time you went out after nine o'clock was when you forgot to put the bins out!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24THEY LAUGH
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Oh, ha-ha-ha(!)
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Excuse me, I have a life.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32You do know staying in with fruit friends doesn't count?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I do not do that.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41# It's a shame we never listen
0:09:41 > 0:09:46# I told you through the television
0:09:46 > 0:09:51# And all that went away was the price we paid. #
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Yeah, Gordon.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Hello, everybody, welcome to the class.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00We'll be together for SIX SESSIONS! Twice weekly, for THREE WEEKS!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Focusing on STILL LIFE!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Hope it's not food. I'll just want to EAT IT!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Stop it.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I'm just sharing a joke with MY friend, Tamara.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Tonight we start with LIFE DRAWING.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17This is Johnny, our life model tonight.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21And don't forget "Little Johnny." That's inappropriate.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23So, tomorrow night, we'll be doing the female form.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Unfortunately our regular model is UNWELL,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28so if anyone would like to volunteer,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30please do give me a call in the morning.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32I life modelled once. So freeing.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Tamara, that is really brave.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37It's good to cross personal boundaries.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Excuse me, this is a personal conversation.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Miranda very much stays in her comfort zone.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54That is absolutely not the case.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Only last week, I had savoury, moved to sweet,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01then switched back to savoury.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04With your nudity issues,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07seeing a naked man is out of your comfort zone.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I am fine with nudity.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11He moved, it moved!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Who said that?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15That it so childish.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19What?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Hey, crazy ladies...
0:11:44 > 0:11:46listen, shall we go out?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- When?- Tonight.- What?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50But we are out.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Let's go out-out. To a club.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Now?!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57But it's nearly nine.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Four words - Rush. Home. For...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Poirot.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I'm up for going out-out.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Miranda's always very in-in.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Great, so shall I meet you at the restaurant at 11?- 11?!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Yeah, I'm up for it. Absolutely, yeah.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18See you there, dudes!
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Gary, listen, I need your help. I've got to stay awake...
0:12:24 > 0:12:26See? Chefs can't be manly.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- You're so sweet. - Please don't call me sweet.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Sorry. I need coffee and something sugary.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I am going out-out with Tamara.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38You seem obsessed with Tamara at the moment. Pavlova OK?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40There's no need to cut that.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Thanks. I'm not obsessed with her.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49No, she's keeping me young. Plus Stevie thinks she's a better friend.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Not one of your stupid competitions again.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54OK. First one to pop all their bubbles.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56On your marks, get set... go!
0:13:04 > 0:13:09Do you ever feel old at 35? It's a weird in-between age if you're single, cos most people...
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Are you still single?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13I hoped you were off the market.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Yeah?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Yeah, cos I was going to book a room at that new spa hotel for us.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- If that's OK?- It is.- Great.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- I'll go and give them a call.- OK.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I could do a little weep of joy.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Drooling over Gary, are we?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Mutton dressed as lamb, are we?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Are you ready to party?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Yeah, I'm getting a bit of a high.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Cool, what have you taken?- Pavlova.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43- Let's go!- OK!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51# I'm sick and tired of my phone ri-ringing! #
0:13:51 > 0:13:56I can't believe the club closed at 2:30!
0:13:56 > 0:13:57- SHE GASPS - More music!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Help me, I'm so tired.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Where do you go if you want to party till dawn?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Come on, let's see the sun rise.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12This town is so lame. But it must be cool here when you're middle-aged.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16BOTH: When you're what now, please?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Aren't you mid-40s? Oh, it doesn't matter, does it?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21It does a bit!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- Middle-aged?!- Mid-40s?!
0:14:25 > 0:14:28We'll show her. Oh, hide your Midsomer Murder DVDs.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- Werthers, knitting.- Quick!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- We're not sleeping till she sleeps. Deal?- Deal.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Foe no more, friend for sure.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Love you!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40This is one of Gary's favourite songs...
0:14:40 > 0:14:45Right, come on, funk down. Show her our stuff.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- Time?- 3:15.- OK. Cola.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Energy drink.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- Coffee. OK.- Come on, girls...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Make over.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Go on without me, save yourself.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07You can do this.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I love this game!
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Come on!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- More coffee!- Yes!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- Come on.- Yes. Yes, coffee, quickly.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48ALARM CLOCKS RING
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Its 9am! Too late for sleep!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Let's go swimming!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Come on.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I thought there was another step but they've finished, I hate that.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06I'll get my costume and meet you back here.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10I find a swim is often better than a sleep. Don't you?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Yes.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13No!
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Hey, and let's go shopping later.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Shopping?!
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Get up!
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- We can do this! - I will not be defeated.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29We are young. Are you still with me?
0:16:29 > 0:16:30I'm with you.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35All right, ladies.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40So, Miranda, you wanted to go to a hotel?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I've booked a room.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46So come to my bar later and I'll take you there in my transit.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- Alpha male enough for you? - Yes...- Yay!- You're ruining it.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56Sorry. All right, all right. See you later, see you later, sweet cheeks.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Ooh, somebody's just been woo-ed.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01That was one hell of a woo.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04100 woo points to him.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Welcome to Woo Central.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08It's woo-nderful.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10You've woo-uined it.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17Stevie, it's actually happening with him. I feel teary again.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Are you ready? I'll go get changed then.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I'll meet you at the swimming pool.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Swimming! I can't, I'll be too tired for tonight.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30You can do this, or do you want everyone to think
0:17:30 > 0:17:34you're so old before your time you've joined the National Trust just for the gift shops?
0:17:34 > 0:17:38You'll turn in to an even posher version of your what-I-call-mother
0:17:38 > 0:17:41and whenever you taste a cake you'll say...
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Ooh, good lord, that's moist.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46That's an excellent point, Stevie. Agh!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49That's an excellent point. Right.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Right, this is the plan. You go swimming.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Then I'll take over and go shopping. She won't know we're sleeping between shifts.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Between us, we'll make an excellent 20-something.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01The stop of us will be un-twoable.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05No. Many lights make hands work.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Come on!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Right, swimming things...
0:18:12 > 0:18:14You can do this.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18# You've got to search for the hero inside yourself! #
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- Wake up!- Ooh! What am I doing here?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- Swimming things. - Swimming things! Right.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31What am I doing in here? Swimming things!
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Can I help you at all, madam?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Should have changed at home. Fine with it.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- I'll see you in there.- Great, yeah.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Can't wait. Won't be long.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24(Why, why would you?!)
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Tit in eye.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01And dignity intact.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I have a massive problem with nudity.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10No! Did you keep up with her?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Yes.
0:20:15 > 0:20:20- Are you OK?- Fine. - Right, OK, focus, I need your help.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Because art class, changing room,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I'm all cringed out and if I'm going to be wooed tonight, Stevie,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I've got to find a way to claim nakedity.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30OK, calm. You just need to normalise it, OK?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33The next person who walks through that door,
0:20:33 > 0:20:35just imagine they're naked.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Agh!
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Charming.
0:20:41 > 0:20:47- Darling, Phyllida has changed the barbecue to tonight, so you can come...- I can't do tonight either.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- PHONE BEEPS - Woo! A text! Bear with, bear with.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Um... Can you read that for me?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Oh, yeah. It's Dad. "Heading home, terrible golf game,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01"come and join me in the bath for a hole in one,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03"I want to show you my loofah." Urgh!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07You've got to wear your glasses!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09I've got a bath to go to.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Urgh!
0:21:12 > 0:21:15I'm sort of officially cringed-out.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18It's like I've eaten cotton wool.
0:21:20 > 0:21:26OK, this can't go wrong with Gary tonight, Stevie, because this is it with him, this is our moment.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29The night when dos become uno.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Oh, I've had an idea.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35It's quite out there. Yes.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I'm going to ring and say I want to be the life model for the art class.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Well, if I can get naked with a bunch strangers,
0:21:40 > 0:21:46there'll be no shyness tonight. I will have claimed my nude-nicity.
0:21:46 > 0:21:51Go for it. You've got to love your body, I do. Mine, not yours.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55If I had to rate myself... Hips, ten, thighs, ten, breasts, ten.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Sounds like one of my KFC orders.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04Good evening, everybody. This is Miranda, our model for TONIGHT!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06We're very excited, very Rubenesque.
0:22:06 > 0:22:13- You'll see we have curves, contours, undulations...- Undulations.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I'm a woman, not a B road.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19And because of her height,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22she has an excellent sweep.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Thank you very much.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Keep your eye out for Sooty.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Sounded wrong.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33If you want to disrobe and make yourself comfortable.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Right. Um, OK.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40No. I can do this.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Excuse me.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46I did it!
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Well done.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Rude.
0:22:57 > 0:23:03So, are you taking this Rubenesque beauty out tonight or what? I have never been more ready.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Wow. Well, yes, I am.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07# Let's get it on... #
0:23:07 > 0:23:09BOTH: Ooh.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Ooh, I'm so sorry, sir!
0:23:16 > 0:23:17- Sorry.- Sorry.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- Wow, you are... Give me a minute, I'll go and get my things.- OK.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Clive! I'm knocking off early.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Here you are. How was it?
0:23:27 > 0:23:31She was ace. I think it's one of my best paintings.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Well, when you've got an excellent nuuude.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- Tamara, I asked you to clear that table.- Oh, yeah, sorry Clive.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40One sec. So, this band is doing a 24-hour gig,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42dawn till dawn. Want to come?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Dawn? I can't go on.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47My name's Miranda and my idea of a big night
0:23:47 > 0:23:51is a getting through a giant Toblerone with an omnibus of Countryfile.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Yeah, I know, it is lovely. And the only reason I'd be up at dawn is if I woke up needing the loo.
0:23:55 > 0:24:02My name's Stevie and it's my ambition is to grow vegetables and make my own ratatouille.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03- Oh, that's lovely.- I know.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- A kitchen garden.- We're very old.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- What's ratatouille?- You don't need to know that yet, all in good time.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Consider us, your Auntie Miranda and your Auntie Stevie.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Are you still gossiping?- Sorry.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Right, that's it, you're fired.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Sorry, Gary, but you only employed her cos she's your wife or whatever the set up is...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27I didn't say anything.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30No, you did, you said "she's your wife."
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Who's his wife?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Is Tamara your wife?
0:24:33 > 0:24:37No. Not really.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Technically, she's my wife.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40What?!
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Doesn't matter. I'll explain on the way to the hotel.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Oh, my... Are you two together?
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Tamara's your wife?!
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- Were you eloping?- Clive, shush.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- Clive...- Married to Gary, are we?
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- Miranda, I can explain.- No, no. Gary, I don't know what to say.
0:24:56 > 0:25:01CD PLAYER: # You say it best when you say nothing at all. #
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- Can you switch that off, please? - Sorry.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I was trying to do an angry rant to storm out to and..
0:25:06 > 0:25:10I did a life class... Oh, forget it!
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Miranda!
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Sorry, what do you mean you're married?
0:25:17 > 0:25:22She's a friend from Hong Kong and for a pass to study here I said I'd do the green card thing for a visa.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I know I'm an idiot. But I owed her massive favour.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Come on, it's not like I'm still sleeping with her.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Still? Gary, still?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Sorry, sorry...
0:25:32 > 0:25:35It was a while ago, it was when I was travelling. Just a fling.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37And you let me become friends with her.
0:25:37 > 0:25:42You knew what a big deal this was for me, but you obviously don't feel the same, do you?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45If you really cared, you wouldn't keep such a massive secret.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Taking me to a hotel room wasn't another romantic gesture, was it?
0:25:48 > 0:25:52It was just going to be a meaningless fling, only this one won't end in marriage!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Now, THAT was quite GOOD!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02But I've stormed out of my own flat!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05KNOCK ON DOOR
0:26:05 > 0:26:07You get out.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Come on, let's talk, please.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12I only didn't tell you because I knew you'd overreact.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Overreact?! - It doesn't mean anything, it was a favour for a friend.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18So you've done everything perfectly in your life, have you?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21That is not the point, I can't talk about this now!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Can you get out the way so I can slam the door?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26No! You're meant to be on the other side!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29We can't even do arguing properly!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- Ow!- Oh, a real man wouldn't have felt that!
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Oh!
0:26:36 > 0:26:41I'm so tired but I'm too angry and upset to go to sleep.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51CD PLAYER: # Didn't we almost have it all? #
0:26:51 > 0:26:54How long have you been hovering over that play button?
0:26:54 > 0:26:5540 minutes.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Morning.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Morning.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Oh, yes they do a lovely breakfast here.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Comes with egg, two sausage and a green card!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Miranda, can we talk, please?
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Listen, please tell me we can move on from this?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Yes, I do want to move on from this.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Really?
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Thank you, thank you.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24Listen, Tamara's gone. She thought it'd be best to get out of the way.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- I only didn't tell you because... - No, Gary wait...
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I want to move on from you, us.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I never really know what you really want
0:27:33 > 0:27:36and when I finally thought that you knew, there was this massive lie.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39And I can't handle it.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44You know? So, you'll never get to see my naked sweep.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Sorry.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Clive, what is this?
0:27:52 > 0:27:57- Tamara left it for the restaurant. An apology gift.- Wow.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59So that's your naked sweep.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Oh, no! Gary, don't look! Don't! No!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04What's everyone doing here?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Nobody look.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Well, this is a new low.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22SHE SCREAMS
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Nice undulations.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:40 > 0:28:43E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk