0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hello to you. For the eagle-eyed amongst you, you'll notice I'm not at home.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09I'm actually at a therapists' office. For those who said "about time", rude.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11No, I'm not here for a session, but, um...
0:00:11 > 0:00:17Well, I can't explain now. Sorry, I'm feeling a little bit anxious.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20I'm not sure I should have chosen the rocking chair.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22It's meant to be relaxing, but, um...
0:00:22 > 0:00:25if you get the wrong speed you look a bit manic.
0:00:26 > 0:00:31Right, let's all just calm down, shall we, and crack on with the show.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48That was a lovely loo.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I do like a nice loo.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54- Lovely soap. Smell my hands. - I don't want to smell your hands.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58- Smell them!- Get off!
0:00:58 > 0:00:59He was on the phone.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Should be here in a mo.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05WATER COOLER GLUGS
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Sounds like a fart in a bath.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13WATER RUNS
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Oh, oh, help!
0:01:15 > 0:01:19- The tap's stuck, quick. - Oh, for goodness sake.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Get me another cup!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Get another one...
0:01:24 > 0:01:28- There aren't any more. - Find a receptacle!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Here we are.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37That's wicker. It's wicker. Fill that one up.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Hold this. Drink that.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I need to find a receptacle.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Ooh... quick...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I've found a receptacle. OK, right.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Try and switch it off.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Right, done it... - Oh, good. Oh, phew.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Oh, I've got water in his case!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Hello.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13You must be Dr Hopkins.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- Good afternoon.- Good afternoon.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Sorry, I was just...
0:02:17 > 0:02:20drinking your briefcase.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Um...
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Which might sound a little odd, it's just that I'd wet the floor.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28You know, I hadn't weed on it.
0:02:28 > 0:02:34Will you shut up? Sorry. Now I just want to say, that we're not here for a session.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36It was all a silly misunderstanding.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40There was a little what I call, incident, in which the police
0:02:40 > 0:02:43unnecessarily got involved. Long story, we won't bore you.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47But to stop Miranda being arrested and charged,
0:02:47 > 0:02:51I said she was one pashmina short of a wardrobe.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- I'm not.- She's not.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57But the police insisted we get an assessment from a psychiatrist.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- That's you.- That's you.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03They initially put me in touch with one on the NHS.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10Well, I said, I'm not going NHS, thank you very much.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I mean, what are we, crack whores?
0:03:14 > 0:03:19So we just need to sit here for the session to tell them we've been.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Can we sit anywhere?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Wait, wait, Mum.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30There are so many chairs, it might be a psychological test which chair we plump for.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Ooh, that's a good word 'plump'.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Plump.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38It's a good word, isn't it? I was just saying.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Plump.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Just sit down.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48You have a lot o'chairs.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Is this one of those ergonomic ones, is it?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Up she goes...
0:03:55 > 0:03:57And down she blows.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Oh, it's a lovely chair, isn't it?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Hello.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17VASE PLAYS 'IN THE MOOD'
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Oh!
0:04:19 > 0:04:25Oh, it doesn't stop. It's one of those, you have to wait till it... sorry. I'll just have to let it go.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Oh, such fun.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47MUSIC STOPS
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Oh, comes to a very sudden end.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53You made me look like a fool.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02For goodness sake, just act normal.
0:05:04 > 0:05:09It's nigh on impossible to act normal when you're trying to act normal. I'm so self conscious.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I don't know how to sit.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Hands on knees. Legs crossed?
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Legs apart?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Sort of feel like I've got too many legs.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- How is that normal?- It's too hard.
0:05:29 > 0:05:35- Particularly when a psychiatrist is staring at us and not speaking. - Hello again.- Hello!
0:05:35 > 0:05:42Perhaps we should explain why we're here, in case you were thinking us a little what I call, odd.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Simple story.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47You see I was at an ice cream van in a park, and this kid ran over
0:05:47 > 0:05:51my foot with his wheely trainer and I dropped my ice cream.
0:05:51 > 0:05:57She demanded that this little boy get her a new ice cream, and he exploded into tears just as this
0:05:57 > 0:05:59very charming man was jogging past...
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Anyway, the man stopped to see if everything was all right.
0:06:02 > 0:06:09And to explain why I was cross with this little boy, I told a little lie and said that I was his teacher.
0:06:09 > 0:06:15Anyway, suddenly the 29 other children from this boy's class appeared demanding ice creams.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Which I had to get them because I was 'the teacher'.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19And then the man then jogged on.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24I said to Miranda, "Quick, jog after him, keep chatting. I'll get the ice creams."
0:06:24 > 0:06:27But I didn't follow him.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30No, she didn't jog after him, then the real teacher appeared
0:06:30 > 0:06:34wanting to know why I was buying 29 ice creams for children I'd never met.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- So we ran, well, we galloped. - We galloped.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Cos it's fun, isn't it? It's fun to gallop. And the children followed us.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49The children followed, and then the teacher thought Miranda was trying to kidnap them.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Unfortunately there was a policeman in the area who became very suspicious.
0:06:52 > 0:06:58Not helped by the fact that the ice cream van was following us because we forgot to pay for the ice creams.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03Anyway, cut a long story short, once the armed response team had been stood down,
0:07:03 > 0:07:10we had to go to the station, where I explained Miranda that was one stick of short of a lolly.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Didn't take much convincing.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16They thought it was hereditary.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19So they let us off as long as we had an assessment.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23So, you see, we just need to sit here for the session.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26We don't need a, what I call, assessment.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Well, it's also what I call an assessment, isn't it?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31We all call it an assessment.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34An assessment is an assessment.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36SHE SUCKS AIR THROUGH HER TEETH
0:07:36 > 0:07:38You'd call it an assessment if you ever spoke.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Ooh, I like these.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Hello, I'm the mammoth one.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Hello, I'm the medium one.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58And buongiorno, I am the tiny one.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Do you have a naval background? Ahar, me hearties.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Aaaaagh!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25You are coming across nutty.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I will not have him thinking that we have got problems.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Look at him, poised to write in his pad. Just sit quietly.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35It's not for long. Act normal.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- I was being normal.- You were being a horse with a Russian doll.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- I'm thirsty.- Don't.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Have some coffee.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Ooh, it's a very confident jet, isn't it?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Sort of a bit like a horse weeing.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18A horse has a very brazen wee, doesn't it?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Sorry. Sorry.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Sorry.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31So...
0:09:33 > 0:09:38Oooh, hot coffee! Hot coffee, ooh, that's really hot!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Hot coffee in sensitive parts.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45And I hate a wet pant.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I'm going to have to take my trousers off.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49I'm so sorry.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I shall use this as a sarong if I may.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54That's quite an expensive silk mix throw.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Well, a pair of tough titties to you, sir.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00I'm not wandering around in my pants.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05And if you say you'd rather that than me wearing your silk mix throw, then you are dirty.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Hula hula hula!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Cos of the sarong.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28So, Miranda. Question.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31# Tell me what you think about me... #
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Just a bit of Beyonce.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Question.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40# Tell me what you think about this... #
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Sorry, that's quite hard not to do, actually.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Interesting. You seem to be avoiding the question.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- So, Miranda, do you often lie?- No.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52I just did.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56You are so kind to show an interest, but there's nothing to discuss.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59We're only here so we can say that we've been. I'll pay you, of course.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03In fact, how much do you charge?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06It's £200.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09BOTH: £200?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12£200!
0:11:12 > 0:11:15£200?!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Should have gone on the NHS.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22For £200 you should ask him why you mouth certain words.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Although usually you get them the wrong way round.- What do you mean?
0:11:25 > 0:11:31Well, the other day at the surgery you said, "Wendy has been diagnosed OBESE." She heard.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Well, you mouth words. Say sex.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Sex... Psychiatrist present.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40So is there anything you'd like to talk about to make use of this time?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43No, no.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Oh, no, no. We don't want to start talking about our childhoods.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Particularly Miranda's. Such an ugly baby.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57Her father insisted we put the Babygros on upside down.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Such fun.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Do you want to talk about that, Miranda?
0:12:02 > 0:12:07No, no, don't want to talk childhood, "Oh, she got rid of my dog when I was 11." Although you did.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Well, it kept pooing in the house.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13Only because you didn't let her out regularly for what I call pooportunities.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- I could blame you for... - Psychiatrist present.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- What's the problem? - I've got an awkward itch.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I'm going to have to do a fast walk to get rid of it.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54That's got it! Sorry I was just having a little wander around.
0:12:56 > 0:13:02We get people in my shop who do a little circular walk like that. We like to call it the sweep browse.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05You know when you come in to a shop and you think "This isn't what I was expecting,
0:13:05 > 0:13:09"there's nothing here that I want, but I can't leave cos that would look rude."
0:13:09 > 0:13:13So I have to do this sort of, "Oh, that's nice."
0:13:13 > 0:13:16And then go. The sweep browse.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Good word, browse.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Browse. Yeah, she's a lovely word.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27See her as a female word.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Thrust...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Male word.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35The queen of all words of course, moist.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41The king of all words, plinth.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Imagine a moist plinth.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Oh, lovely.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Do you think you could stop talking at some point?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Yes. Easy.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59SHE HUMS
0:13:59 > 0:14:01No humming.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03SHE WHISTLES
0:14:03 > 0:14:05No whistling.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10No pretending you're singing at Wembley.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23What are you writing down? And about whom? Act normal!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Stop saying that! I'm just standing here.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Who does he think he is,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33thinking that we've got problems?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- He's a complete ARSE. - Wrong way round!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Go and find out what he's written.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Good idea. Cover me.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Me! Me! Look at me! Me.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06# Me and my girl
0:15:06 > 0:15:08# Meant for each other
0:15:08 > 0:15:13# Sent for each other and liking it so... #
0:15:13 > 0:15:16# Me and my girl
0:15:16 > 0:15:18# No use pretending
0:15:18 > 0:15:24# We knew the ending a long time ago. #
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Just a bit of Noel Gay.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I couldn't read it. It was in shorthand.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Well, if you'd concentrated more at secretarial college.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Oh, here we go. This is the kind of thing.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45- I didn't want to go to secretarial college.- You can't be happy running a joke shop.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Joke/gift. And yes, I am happy.
0:15:47 > 0:15:4935, running a joke shop...
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- Joke/gift!- No wonder you can't get a man.- I had a man. Nearly. Gary.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54But the idiot messed that up.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I don't want to talk about him. I've moved on.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- Is that true?- Absolutely, yes.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I don't think about him. Don't miss him. No.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05I mean, if you're asking me if I act out imaginary conversations with him
0:16:05 > 0:16:08using a painted plate on top of a mop, then no.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13KNOCK AT DOOR
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- Come in.- Talk of the devil.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- What are you doing here? - Sorry, Stevie told me you were here.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24Look, I know you are in the middle of something but I just couldn't wait to see you, Miranda.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31I can't handle it if you'll never forgive me. I can't get you out of my mind.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33I'm in love with you.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Miranda, will you...?- Miranda?
0:16:47 > 0:16:52Hm? Sorry. Yes, no, don't think about him. Don't miss him.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55And my shop is enough of a career.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- If you call wasting your life a career.- What I call a waste of a life
0:16:58 > 0:17:01is you wasting your life worrying about me wasting my life!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- I think we're making progress. - We are not making progress!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06We don't need progress or a session.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Act normal!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Maybe it might help if you saw things from each other's perspective.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Perhaps try a bit of role play.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Miranda as Penny, Penny as Miranda...- Fine. Good idea.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20- Oh, hello, everybody. - Haven't quite explained... - Don't I look marvellous?- Right.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Look at me, please, I want be the centre of what I call attention.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31Now, gossip for you, Geoffrey Warburton has been paying for PROSTITUTES.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40This is talking without actually saying anything. Rah, rah, rah, ha ha ha ha,
0:17:40 > 0:17:45hair flick, hair flick, keeping up appearances, envy me, envy me.
0:17:46 > 0:17:51- I didn't just mean insulting each other.- Well, hello, I'm Miranda. - Oh, dear.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56I'm just going to waddle over here and waste more of my life.
0:17:56 > 0:18:01Ooh, you've got nice plums, as it very much were.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Aren't I naughty?
0:18:09 > 0:18:15Oh, look there's Gary. Isn't he delicious, but not as delicious as this pie.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Excuse me, what was that walk? - It's a lollop.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- I do not lollop.- You lollop. You are one of life's lollopers.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25You should be a lollopop lady.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- Wait for it.- Such fun.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30There it goes. Such fun! Have you met my daughter, Miranda?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33I have no respect for any of her life choices.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I'm Miranda and although my mother has done
0:18:35 > 0:18:40everything possible to improve my life, I'm incredibly ungrateful.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44And very clumsy. Oh, look, here I go falling over again.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Well, that was all very interesting.
0:18:50 > 0:18:56That is exactly what wasn't meant to happen. We've just got to sit here for a few more minutes.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- He'll refer us for more sessions if we're not careful.- Best behaviour.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Is that real fruit?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10What do you mean?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I mean, is that fruit real?
0:19:16 > 0:19:20I don't know how to make it any clearer.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Is that fruit part of the £200?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25£200?!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I suppose it is in a sense, yes.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Oh, well in that case. Excuse me.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Sorry, can I ask what you think you're doing?
0:19:39 > 0:19:44I'm playing a round of golf.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46It's funny because I'm not.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- I'm just having a little picnic. Do you mind? - Always been obsessed with food.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I'm not obsessed with food.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00And this from the woman who, when mistaken for being pregnant,
0:20:00 > 0:20:05joined the local mothers-to-be group, because, and I quote, "They have free tea and biscuits
0:20:05 > 0:20:09"and people randomly feel my breasts. It's the best fun I've ever had."
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Mum, you're making me sound weird.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16You're the one sitting on a psychiatrist's floor having a picnic lunch at four in the afternoon.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Fine. I'll shall eat it later.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22I might just have...
0:20:22 > 0:20:25a little bit of something.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Actually that would be very...
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Can be a bit sticky, can't they?
0:20:31 > 0:20:36Oooh, nice equipment, if you pardon the, er...
0:20:36 > 0:20:41Ten-four, copy that, I'm on my way for the drop-off.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42- PA: Can I help with anything? - Oh!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Doctor, Mrs Hawtry is here.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53And is everything OK?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Can I?
0:20:55 > 0:21:00Now listen here, we've taken Dr Hopkins as hostage.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04We need half a million pounds and if someone comes in this room, we'll blow their brains out.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Hang on, did she say Mrs Hawtry?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Excuse me. Hello?
0:21:12 > 0:21:13This is very important.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Does Mrs Hawtry have a loud cardigan and a red gin nose?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Umm...yes.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21That will be all.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Mrs Hawtry is president of the parish mixed doubles.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I cannot let her see me leaving a therapist's office.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33We'll have to climb out of the window at the end.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37I will not have it going around the tennis club that we've got issues.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38We don't. You've got issues.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43Excuse me, who was the one who presented three chocolate willies at the harvest festival?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- Let's not start.- Fine.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Oh, no.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57I've sent the text I was going to send to Stevie about Mum, to Mum. Argh.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59PHONE BEEPS
0:21:59 > 0:22:02What are you doing?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Oh, it's a text from you.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06"Stuck with Mum. Hell on earth.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"Prepare many drinks."
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- Interesting.- Doesn't mean anything, does it? Mothers are just annoying.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16For no real reason. "Oh, darling, you've bought a new coat." Annoying.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19You don't know why. I love you.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Nothing personal.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25- So, Doctor, tell me, are you married?- Annoyed again.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- You're clearly asking on my behalf. - I'm simply making conversation.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34- And he's a handsome man in a highly paid profession.- I knew it. This is exactly the kind of thing...
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- No, no, I can explain. When you have a daughter who has never had boyfriends...- I've had boyfriends.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43How many times, being flashed at does not constitute a relationship.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51- She needs a little bit of help. - I do not need help, thank you.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53The people you set me up with are ridiculous.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57No offence, I don't mean you. You're lovely.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Just not in a "Mmmm, take me!" kind of a way.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08Sorry. I'm sure lots of people look at you and go, "Mmmm, take me now!"
0:23:08 > 0:23:11But I'm more kind of...hmm.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Sorry, I didn't mean... I mean the other people you try and set me up with.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- Now look what you've done. - What I've done?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Nothing to worry about.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33PHONE BEEPS
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Oh, it's from you.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40"He's a bit smug, isn't he?"
0:23:45 > 0:23:47"He" being a friend of ours.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Japanese.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Our Japanese friend is a bit smug.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55So you were just thinking about your friend He...
0:23:55 > 0:23:58What's his surname?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- Oh, umm...- He.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01He?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03He He.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05He's a right laugh.
0:24:08 > 0:24:13And I suddenly thought, "I must tell Miranda how smug He He is."
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Right, but with slightly strange grammar.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17That's how we say things.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Miranda's being a bit silly today, isn't Miranda?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24As a random example. Good, that's settled.
0:24:24 > 0:24:30As long as you're aware that I know you meant me, not your friend He He.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34I don't know where you get these things from?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Do you need to see a therapist?
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Are you always thinking people think you're smug behind your back?
0:24:40 > 0:24:46- He's paranoid. Classic case. I'm going to write this down in my notepad.- Me too.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47In fact, role play.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- You sit here.- Yes.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I'm sure that would help you a lot,
0:24:53 > 0:24:56because you've clearly got some issues.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- Is this your father?- Yes, it is.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- Interesting that you put it on your desk.- Mmmm. Interesting.- Mmmm.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Interesting.- Mmmmm.- Mmmmm.- Mmmmm.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13I know what you're doing.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14You're trying to put the focus on me
0:25:14 > 0:25:19because you're panicking that you've revealed too much about yourselves.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21You haven't got us pegged.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25He's totally got us pegged.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Oh, hello. CD player on pause.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30What have you been listening to?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Mmmm, interesting.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36MUSIC: "Alone" by Heart
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Oh! Now, this speaks volumes.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43A love ballad, eh?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01It's fun, isn't it? Shall I see what else they have?
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- Of course, you learned to dance from me.- No, I didn't.
0:26:09 > 0:26:15- The only thing I get from you is a feeling of failure, guilt and very large feet.- Where's this coming from?
0:26:15 > 0:26:20And we tried to get you to swim competitively to make use of the natural flippers God gave you.
0:26:20 > 0:26:25- No luck there either. - Oh, I'm sorry I've been such a massive disappointment to you.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30- Look, if you are going to eat, eat some fruit.- Fatist.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32She took me to Overeaters Anonymous once.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- Totally unnecessary.- I can explain.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Belinda was showing off that Tilly had issues, so I said you did.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42It seems that the lies we tell end up in a therapy session of one kind or another.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Both the occasions to which you refer were Miranda's problems.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Oh, and who gets me into these scrapes? You do!
0:26:48 > 0:26:52You can pin all you want on me, but from what you've heard over last half an hour,
0:26:52 > 0:26:56it doesn't take a genius to work out that Miranda's a bit odd, isn't Miranda?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58THEY ARGUE
0:26:58 > 0:27:03- Let me say a few things to you... - Where do I get it from, do you think? It might be hereditary.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08- Your father thinks...- I know what he would say because he wouldn't want me to turn into... Jacuzzi!
0:27:18 > 0:27:21We've got to get that notebook.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25It doesn't look like shorthand now.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Follow me. Pincer movement.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28We'll go commando.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Let's hope she doesn't really know what that means.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39So, Anthony,
0:27:39 > 0:27:40if I may...
0:27:40 > 0:27:42SHE GIGGLES COYLY
0:27:42 > 0:27:46What else do you have in your CD collection?
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- Give me my pad back!- Oh, I have it now. So, what does it say?
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Dad...new toaster. Mum...garden knee pad.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Don't forget presents from the pets.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01This is a Christmas list.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03You drew a cat.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- That's the end of the session. Would you like to book another appointment?- No!
0:28:08 > 0:28:11What's this shorthand bit?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Just some initial thoughts at the top of the session.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Oh, what does it say - I can't wait to draw a kitten?
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Well, actually it says...
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Mother and daughter. Mother's protective instinct
0:28:22 > 0:28:26has become dominating, fuelled by fear of how she is perceived by outer world.
0:28:26 > 0:28:33Daughter seeks mother's guidance and approval as she has yet to find her own voice.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41Absolute rubbish.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43- I think he's nutty himself. - Driven wholly by money.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47- £200?!- Obsessed with his father.
0:28:47 > 0:28:48Only listens to love ballads.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52Very odd. In fact, I think one more before we go, please, Doctor. Hit it.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Good idea.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57MUSIC: "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15Everything all right? Someone thought there might be a hostage situation.
0:29:15 > 0:29:16Hold on, it's you.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19The ice-cream child-catcher lunatics.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21It's her, she's mad.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29# Crazy little thing called love
0:29:30 > 0:29:33# There goes my baby
0:29:34 > 0:29:36# She knows how to rock and roll
0:29:36 > 0:29:39# She drives me crazy
0:29:39 > 0:29:42# She gives me hot and cold fevers
0:29:42 > 0:29:44# She leaves me in
0:29:44 > 0:29:46# A cold, cold sweat. #