0:00:02 > 0:00:05Festive greetings all round. I'm getting into the spirit this year.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09It'll be hard cos I'll be at my parents', where for three days they
0:00:09 > 0:00:13will find things "fun" that aren't "fun" at any other time of the year,
0:00:13 > 0:00:17and we'll be bound by Mum's Christmas organisational chart.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Happy face!
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Darling, your father's here...
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Ha-ha-ha!
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Look, my fun tinsel tie.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Isn't that such fun?
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hang on, let me turn on my fun Christmas socks.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35TINNY MUSIC
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Kill me.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I wish I could stay at home. That might sound depressing,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46but I've never denied how much fun I have living alone.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58But there's a definite festive positive. I've made up with Gary, which is a relief for everyone.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Everything OK? Yes, fine. Yes.
0:01:01 > 0:01:06Apart from the fact that you married someone for a green card, so have potato for hair...
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Oh, Miranda...
0:01:12 > 0:01:17I've got Gary a great gift this year so he'll know I've forgiven him. Done all my shopping online.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Delivery will arrive today. Genius.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Right, on with the merriment my chums. Cue festive titles.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38# Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la la la la
0:01:38 > 0:01:42# 'Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la... #
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Happy Christmas Eve eve.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Happy Christmas Eve eve. Ooh.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Advent calendar. Ooh, can I?
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Together?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Ah. Where's the chocolate?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Where's the chocolate?
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Eaten on the first day of purchase.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02Who can sit in a room day after day when there are little chocolates behind windows, not remove them,
0:02:02 > 0:02:06eat them, then replace the windows like nothing ever happened? I can.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Because you're an actual and literal tiny little weirdo.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12When you go to your parents', can you take my case?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Yeah. I've been thinking, I think I might try and get out of it.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18# Fa la la la la la la la. #
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I mean, wouldn't it be great to have Christmas exactly how we wanted it?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24# Fa la la la la la la la. #
0:02:24 > 0:02:26No Christmas chart, no sign reading,
0:02:26 > 0:02:31"Please unwrap your presents neatly so I can iron the wrapping paper and save it for next year."
0:02:31 > 0:02:34No constant weather reports from Dad.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36No, I will have to try and get out of it.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Trouble is, Mum can pre-empt any excuse and will just talk straight over me.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Hmm, we'll be going then. Good, cos I can't wait to experience it.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Right, just going to open the shop. Oh, will you keep an eye out for my parcel?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51It's all my presents. Cos I've got to nip to the doctors, cos, um,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54well, have you ever had a rash on your breast?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I don't know what you're saying and I don't wish to know. Fine, OK.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59MUM AND DAD: Ho, ho, ho!
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Oh, no.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Hello, poppet. Stevie...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Suitcase!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Can't think where you get your clumsiness from.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Isn't it cold outside? Freezing, isn't it?
0:03:11 > 0:03:12I hope not.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17Because if that snow turns to slush, we'll get black ice.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Absolute death trap. I think we ought to head back pronto.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Plus I don't want to miss You've Been Framed.
0:03:23 > 0:03:29Girls, I've chosen something for you for my Best Christmas Jumper Party tonight. Oh, Mum, don't.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Listen, about Christmas, Stevie and I... So we'll get the costumes and pick you up at the restaurant later.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36We were thinking... We've got pink champagne. Told you, so annoying.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40No, the thing is, Mum... You'll get sozzled, we'll decorate the tree. I've got great baubles,
0:03:40 > 0:03:45and you can do the fairy. Such fun, such fun. Such fun, such fun! Don't do that. Mum! Mum!
0:03:45 > 0:03:51Mum! Such fun! No, the thing is...about Christmas... Such fun, such fun! Nice try, poppet.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Suitcase. Coming.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57"Such fun!"
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Oh... # fffa la la la la la la la # off.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03KNOCKING
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Come in, sit down.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Wowzers.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Sorry? Nothing.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18So, how can I help? Are you married? Shush.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Sorry, I actually thought I was getting a female doctor.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Ah, they said Doctor Gail. That's my surname.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Miranda Gail. Hmm?
0:04:26 > 0:04:26What?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28What? Sorry? Nothing.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32So, are you happy with me?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Very.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39Yes, it's just I'm actually here about a female part... but, um, it's all just anatomical to you, right?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Of course, of course, don't worry. So what's the problem?
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Well, it's not really a problem, more of a feature.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51You see, it's my right breast.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I've got a sort of rash on it,
0:04:53 > 0:04:58and because the rash was on my breast I thought I better get it checked, you see.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00No problem. Let's have a look.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Sure.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06SHE WHISTLES
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Well, I don't think that's anything to worry about.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Sorry.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28Now, did you eat anything unusual and then notice it? Do you have any nut allergies?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I haven't been rubbing peanuts on my breasts.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I wasn't thinking...
0:05:34 > 0:05:39Saying "I haven't rubbed peanuts on my breasts" sounds like I've rubbed peanuts on my breasts!
0:05:39 > 0:05:44Well, if it doesn't settle down in a couple of days, or gets worse, come and see me again.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Great, OK, thank you so much, Doctor.
0:05:46 > 0:05:52I'm sorry, just FYI, the other breast, completely normal.
0:05:52 > 0:06:00A right bobby dazzler.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie! Has my parcel arrived?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10A depot card? "We tried to deliver, but you were out."
0:06:10 > 0:06:13This is the smuggest piece of paper in the world.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Sorry, I had to close the shop for ten minutes just to clear customers.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I'm very hot and anxious, actually.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I'm like a mouse in a microwave.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24Can you just get a grip, please, actually, because a depot card! All my presents. So annoying.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Hang on, they'll re-deliver Christmas Eve.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29In your face. Nice.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38RECORDED FEMALE VOICE: 'Welcome to UPD delivery.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40'If you would like to arrange redelivery, press 1.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45'Please state when you would like the package redelivered.'
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Tuesday. 'Did you say...'
0:06:48 > 0:06:50MAN'S VOICE: 'Monday?' No, who are you?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53'I'm sorry, we couldn't identify.'
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Tuesday.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58'I'm sorry. Did you say...
0:06:58 > 0:06:59'Thursday?'
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Tuesday.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Tuesday.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I mean, I literally can't make it any clearer.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Tuesday. You've gone too posh now.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14'When would you like the package redelivered?' Toosday, innit?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16'Did you say... Tuesday?'
0:07:16 > 0:07:21Yes. 'Please confirm, did you say...
0:07:21 > 0:07:28'Tuesday.' YE-ES. If it can't understand that, what is the point?! Putting you through to an operator.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33WOMAN: 'Hello, UPD Delivery, can I help you?'
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Yes, hello, I've been put through, but I was doing voice recognition.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41'Yes, that's all fine, your parcel will be delivered tomorrow between 8am and 7pm.'
0:07:41 > 0:07:43And you can't specify a time?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45'I'm afraid we can only give you a time...'
0:07:45 > 0:07:49(MIMICKING) We can only give you a period of 8am to 7pm. OK, thank you!
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Do you think they get trained in those phone voices?
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Why is it you never meet anyone in real life who speaks like that? You always hear it at spas, don't you?
0:07:56 > 0:08:01NASAL VOICE: Yeah. "So, you're here for a day package..." "Would you like any treatments?"
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Imagine living with a voice like that. 'My husband doesn't mind.'
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Oh, still there!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Mmm, I have missed your baking.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Right, and me? Have you missed me?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Er, nope, mainly been the cakes.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Of course I've missed you.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Come here.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Oh, are you two...
0:08:20 > 0:08:25Just friends. Now listen, what time are your Mum and Dad coming to pick you up?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Any minute now. Tilly's in Mauritius, you're at yours, it's not fair.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I'm giving it one more shot to get out of it.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I can't face being irrationally irritated for three days.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Two-week bumper Radio Times.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Feel the heft of telly heaven.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42What day is it? One never knows at Christmas. Thursday, I think.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Ah, but which Thursday?
0:08:44 > 0:08:48It says Christmas Day at the top! 23rd, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day!
0:08:48 > 0:08:51How clever of it. We have the same conversation every year!
0:08:51 > 0:08:53"Feel the heft of telly heaven." "Which day is it?"
0:08:53 > 0:08:56"One never knows at Christmas." "Which week?" It says Christmas Day!
0:08:56 > 0:09:00And tonight at the jumper party I'll be surrounded by Mum's crazy posh friends.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Last year I heard one of them say, "I take a rubber band to parties,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07"slip it round my glass, I'll easily spot it on a crowded table."
0:09:07 > 0:09:09SILLY LAUGH
0:09:09 > 0:09:13So annoying. And Mum'll be at her worst. Come on, she's not that bad.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17# Dashing through the snow In a one-horse open sleigh
0:09:17 > 0:09:19# O'er the fields we go
0:09:19 > 0:09:21# Laughing all the way!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23# Jingle bells, jingle... #
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Isn't it thrilly bots?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Come on, Charles.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36I haven't got excited yet,
0:09:36 > 0:09:40but I'm sure it will hit me any moment.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Darling, we ought to be getting back,
0:09:42 > 0:09:48because if the car temperature gauge is right, then that drizzle will turn to black ice.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Absolute death trap. Coat stand.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59Mum, wait, listen. About Christmas, I've been thinking it's time I spent Christmas... Darling, darling...
0:09:59 > 0:10:03I have been slaving for weeks on the Christmas chart.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08I've bought enough food to last until January 19th because your father thinks we might get snowed in.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12I haven't done that kind of panic-buy since Labour won the election in '97.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16As of yesterday, the chart includes the perfect Boxing Day ramble,
0:10:16 > 0:10:21and a root vegetable appendix section so, should I die, you'll know how to make parsnip soup.
0:10:21 > 0:10:26(SOBBING) You don't realise what I do for this family.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29OK, OK. Quick chop, then.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Wait, are you going out like that? No.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Yes!
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Look - Velcro magic. Might try that on your father later.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Eugh!
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Steady boy, steady.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44# Dashing through the snow... #
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Help me! Miranda! Coming! Bye.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Good luck.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Caroline has the spare, she'll be sharing with Minty.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Beaky's taking the fold down, and Louise wants the coach house,
0:10:56 > 0:11:00which didn't suit Minty, who likes Freddie away from Caroline.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Well, you'll need another drink then.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Which one's yours? Oh.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09So, what are your sleeping arrangements this year?
0:11:09 > 0:11:14Well, Stevie's staying in the spare room, and as usual, Miranda's on the shelf.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Such fun!
0:11:18 > 0:11:21I can't cope with this. Oh, hi, Dad. Hello, darling.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26I have just been watching The Planet's Funniest Animals.
0:11:26 > 0:11:31Hilarious. Now, this planet has some very funny animals.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36And I'm privileged to have seen the absolute funniest.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Jennifer, you remember Miranda and her friend Stevie.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Of course. Nibble?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Ah, Jennifer, now, did you drive?
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Yes. Well, you be very careful,
0:11:49 > 0:11:53because if that slush freezes,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56it will turn to... Black ice.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Absolute... Death trap.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Oh, Miranda, doesn't your mother have wonderful nibbles?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Not a euphemism, I hope.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11You see, no wonder she's single. Talking of which, I must see if the hunk I invited has arrived.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Oh, no. Right, that is it.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I'm giving her three strikes and we're out of here. Seriously.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Oh, this'll help ease the pain.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21We can't start it.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Remove top, remove icing! She'll never know.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Oh, yes, there he is. Miranda...
0:12:33 > 0:12:38What are you doing? Red-labelled food items are for the big day only.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Oh! Lord, I've forgotten to marzipan my cake.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Someone hasn't done a Christmas chart.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I presume the nuts are all right to eat, are they?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Now look, darling, I've spied the man I want you to meet.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55Come on, shoulders back, chest out, backside in the next room.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01Miranda, Miranda, let me introduce you to... Doctor Gail.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Strike one.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Hello. Hello. I'll leave you to it.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Hello, sorry.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20Well, this is a bit weird, isn't it? Do we have to pretend like this morning never happened?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22It's a bit like we're having an affair.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25We could have an affair.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Miranda, have you...
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Ooh, hello.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Enchante. Je suis Stevie.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Bonsoir Stevie, joyeux Noelle and bonne annee.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Oui.
0:13:39 > 0:13:44So, are you new to the area? Yes, I just moved here a couple of months ago from London.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46In your TARDIS, Doctor?
0:13:46 > 0:13:50SHE GIGGLES
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Because you're a doctor, so I said your TARDIS...
0:13:54 > 0:13:56GIGGLES
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Do you see? Cos you're a doctor! Cos you're a doctor!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Why don't you just stop? I would've if I could've.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Is that a peanut in your breasts? No. Get off!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Now look what you've done.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12I was about to switch on the allure and he would've come to mama.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Everybody, can I have your attention? Thank you.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21It's time to announce the winner of the best Christmas jumper competition.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25And, for the fourth year running, it's Robert.
0:14:30 > 0:14:36Ah, yes, darling, actually, while you're there, why don't you give us a song?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Strike two. Oh, no, darling, I couldn't possibly.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40GUESTS BEG
0:14:40 > 0:14:42No, no, that is not what this...
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Oh, all right, then.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52# Good King Wenceslas looked out
0:14:52 > 0:14:55# On the feast of Stephen
0:14:55 > 0:14:58# There's Miranda laying about
0:14:58 > 0:15:02# On the feast of Stephen
0:15:02 > 0:15:05# Stuffing all the food she can
0:15:05 > 0:15:09# From the feast of Stephen
0:15:09 > 0:15:12# I won't take her for my wife
0:15:12 > 0:15:17# Nor will I, said Ste-e-phen. #
0:15:17 > 0:15:20# Strike three! # Right, that's it. We're out of here.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23No, no, darling! Miranda...
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Hi, listen, we escaped. Well done.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Well, our Christmas Day booking just cancelled.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Really? Well, actually, hang on, that's a good thing.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Hello? The four of us, at mine, a non-family Christmas?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40No getting up early for church. No overcooked turkey.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43No naked hide-and-seek.
0:15:43 > 0:15:48Wow. OK. So, shall we do it? The perfect Christmas, at mine? Let's do it.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Yay! Brilliant, OK. And I've got great gifts arriving tomorrow.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Oh, you're notoriously bad at gifts. Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Hi, tout le monde peepsicles.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Hi, Tilly, what are you doing here?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Oh, I decided not to go to Mauritius.
0:16:03 > 0:16:10The parentals went but they asked Rups along, and so I thought negativos to that holibob.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Sorry, your ex-fiance has gone on "holibobs" with your parents?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Yup. Which is totally fine.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I'll just have a really quiet one.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Which is totally fine.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Could I get a massive Pinot?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Oh, bear with... Bear with...
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Bear with.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Oh, they've landed safely.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40And they're already on the beach. That's good.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Totally fine.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Spiffulent.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46LAUGHS
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Tears of joy, seriously, tears of joy.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01Listen, Tilly, we're having Christmas at mine, just the four of us. Do you want to join?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03No, as I said, Kong, totally fine.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Yes, Kong, yes, I do.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Oh, ace-icles.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Oh, OK. Great, right.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Well, tomorrow night, Christmas Eve sleepover, and let the festivities begin. I'm so excited...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19# And I just can't hide it
0:17:19 > 0:17:24# I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I want you, I want you. #
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Isn't this jolly? I want you. OK...
0:17:28 > 0:17:32"I'm sorry we can only specify 8am to 7pm for your delivery."
0:17:32 > 0:17:37Mind you, I'd rather sit in for 11 hours than deal with Christmas Eve shopping hell. Enjoy.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Now, are you sure you're going to be OK, yes? You will make Heather proud?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43# What have you done today? #
0:17:43 > 0:17:48# Today! # Heather, I will have looked after the shop. I'll be fine. We're not busy.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50We're not open yet.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Bye.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Ooh, my goodness. OK, hello, everybody.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Anyone from UPD delivery? No? OK, carry on. Would you like that gift wrapped?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Yes, please. You would. OK.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Really bad at gift wrapping.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Right, that's 14.99. Thank you, madam. Would you like that, um, gift wrapped?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29You would? OK, right.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Oh, hang on, hang on, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, sir.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Are you from UPD delivery? No. You're not. OK, fine, as you were.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43There you go, thank you. Next.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Excuse me, excuse me. Are you from UPD delivery? Oh, no, it's you, sorry, you were leaving. So sorry.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Getting in to a bit of a state!
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Just have it, please. Have it. Take it. Next. Go. Thank you.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Are you from UPD... No, that's you leaving. Fine.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Are you from UPD?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00No, browse, browse.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04I thought you were UPD. You can't leave, carol singers.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I need to leave. Well, you can't.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Sorry, get down, get down. Hide.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Carol singers. Where are you going?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I said you can't leave.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Carol singers. We've got to hide. Get down.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19I will not have my perfect Christmas ruined by standing awkwardly in front of a group of people
0:19:19 > 0:19:22whose singing ability is inversely proportional to their enthusiasm.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25OK, shush, stay there.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30I said get down! Shush.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32KNOCKING
0:19:32 > 0:19:33SINGING IN DISTANCE
0:19:39 > 0:19:40No!
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Depot card!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47# Ding dong merrily on high
0:19:47 > 0:19:50# In heaven the bells are ringing
0:19:50 > 0:19:53# Can you see a delivery guy behind you?
0:19:53 > 0:20:01# Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-es, I can,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03# But now he's driven off
0:20:03 > 0:20:08# Yo-o-o-o-o-o-ou're a bit smug
0:20:08 > 0:20:11# So this door might hit your noses
0:20:11 > 0:20:16# Ple-e-e-ease can I leave, because you are scaring me? #
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Hello.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Hello. All right, Stan? Don't look so glum, I'll be out in five years.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Because it's a bit like a prison divider. No? All right. As you wish.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33You have a parcel for me.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Yeah, your parcel's not here. It takes 24 hours for the packages to be returned to the depot.
0:20:44 > 0:20:4724 hours? Where does it...?
0:20:49 > 0:20:54Where does it say that? It doesn't say that. Where does it say that? It says it there.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58OK, fine. Could you please just check in case it's come back?
0:20:58 > 0:21:04Next. Oh, now, come on, it's all my presents, Ray.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I've got a gift for Gary, and he doesn't believe I've got presents!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I know you don't know him, Ray, but that's not the point, is it?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Ooh, hasn't he got a lovely package?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16How is that not funny, Ray?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19It's a classic.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Sorry to rant. I'm just a little overexcited.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26I'm spending Christmas with friends for the first time. I bet you've got lovely plans?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28No, I'm on my own, my wife just left me.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Sorry.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Did she leave a card so you can collect her later?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Now, is the van likely to come back?
0:21:39 > 0:21:44Yeah, the driver will be coming back cos it's my van, I was off work this morning, my hip...
0:21:44 > 0:21:49Can I stop you there, Ray? And I'll tell you for why - I'm not interested.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Thank you. Now, can I wait for the van?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54No, we're closing now. I'm closing. Goodbye.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59No, Ray, that's not fair, it's Christmas. Can you actually... Get out, get out of there!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01X Factor.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Conveyor belt of some kind.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10No dancing prayer? No dancing prayer?! What's that?
0:22:10 > 0:22:15Hey guys, when Stevie went to the loo, we had a look at her charade card.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17'No Sex Please, We're British'.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19We put it back and made a pact never to guess it.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24It's very funny, and taking my mind off the depot debacle.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Oh, I know, I know, I know.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29What's the second word again?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Pumping? Drilling?
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Ski Sunday.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Dancercise. Hula hoop.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Hula hula hoop!
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Titanic!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Have you really got no idea?
0:22:47 > 0:22:51ALL: Er...No Sex Please, We're British!
0:22:52 > 0:22:54That's hilarious.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58That is quite hilarious, isn't it?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Right, is it time to wend our way to the kingdom of Beddybyes?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03So, I have made up my room in to a guest room
0:23:03 > 0:23:07with a futon on floor, and someone can share the sofa bed with me. Bagsy not me!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Why? Wind. Good luck, Gary.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Just go and brush my teeth.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18OK, sure.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I know we're just friends, but it's so awkward sharing a bed.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Right, now, the question is, do I take my bra off?
0:23:26 > 0:23:31Because then in the morning, there'll be two jellies sliding down a plate look.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34That's the only trouble. No, I'd better put my bra on.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36No, but then he'll see me wearing a bra in bed and that'd look odd.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40No, I'm going no bra. And let's hope when I turn over I don't do the breast clap.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Right. OK, now.... Ooh! Morning breath.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Should I set an alarm at five and suck a mint? Maybe.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51What happens if my pyjamas ride up...or down, cos they do that.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Right, stop panicking, take bra off and act casual.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Hello. Hi.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Wow.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13So, um,
0:24:13 > 0:24:14are you going to budge up?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I like being on the left.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Right, OK.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Ooh... Cold bed dance? Yep.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36That's better.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41This is going to be a great Christmas. And you know what?
0:24:41 > 0:24:46Don't worry about a present, because I have the best present I could have - I've got my friend back.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Ah, really?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50No! Where's my present, you bitch?
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Night. Night.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02BREAST CLAP
0:25:05 > 0:25:06What was that?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09It was a duck quacking.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11A duck? Quacking, yeah.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19Hey, happy Christmas! So who wants breakfast?
0:25:19 > 0:25:24I might have a mince pie for breakfast. Why not? I'm going to save mine for the Queen's speech.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26I might have mine instead of Xmas pudulant.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29We can do exactly what we want. Oh, do we have to wear a hat?
0:25:29 > 0:25:33No, you don't have to wear a hat. But also, you could wear a hat.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Welcome to Miranda-mas!
0:25:37 > 0:25:40THEY HUM: "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday"
0:25:40 > 0:25:42This is so great, I just love it!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49This is going to be the perfect Christmas.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Release!
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Gary, what are you doing? You're ruining the turkey.
0:25:54 > 0:26:00You said you had a fan oven! If I don't cut it up, it won't cook! I need it on Chanel number four now!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Tilly, you're very selfish! I'm not a chef, am I? Obviously!
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Can you keep it down, please?! Miranda, Clive just pulled my cracker!
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Well, I am sure he didn't mean to. I did mean to. Clive Evans!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14I'll pull my own cracker. I bet you're used to that.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Stevie Sutton! That's unacceptable.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Honestly. Gary, this is hopeless.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Stevie wants to eat at three, when Clive wants a walk,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24everyone wants crackers at different times. Well, plan. Make a chart.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29Don't! We might as well be at Mum's. Oh, yeah? And what's Christmas day like at your Mum's? Really good.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Stevie!
0:26:34 > 0:26:39This isn't working, is it? No. Don't tell the others. Let's go to Mum's. Yes.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44What's going on? Shhh. Don't tell the others, we're going to go to Mum's. Right, OK.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48What's happening? Shush, don't tell the others, we're going to go to Mum's.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53What are you doing? Shush. Don't tell the others, we're going to Mum's.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Why am I whispering? This is all of us.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Let's go.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03O-o-o-o-o-h!
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Oh!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06MUM: Right,
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Mr Turkey will be ready in half an hour.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15Are you sure you've got enough for us all, Pen Pen? Of course! I knew Miranda would be back.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17I have the perfect Christmas.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18DOORBELL
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Oh, oh. Lonely straggler alert.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Everybody, this is Ray,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Oh, no. Used to be our postman.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Hello, Ray. Hello.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Hope I'm not too late. Not at all, you said you'd be here between three and four.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36And you couldn't you be more specific, Ray? Hang on, Ray, how's your hip?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Did you bring your van? Yes.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Could I have my parcel? All my presents!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Well, it's against protocol, but, uh...
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Well, it'd be a pleasure. Ah, lovely Ray.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53THEY SQUEAL
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Oh, isn't this lovely! TOY: Ho, ho, ho!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59ALL: Such fun.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Come on, everybody.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08It's gorgeous, thank you.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09Merry Christmas. Happy Christmas.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13What a lovely ending.
0:28:15 > 0:28:20# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
0:28:20 > 0:28:24# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year
0:28:24 > 0:28:27# Good tidings we bring
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# To you and your king
0:28:29 > 0:28:32# We wish you a merry Christmas
0:28:32 > 0:28:34# And a happy new year.
0:28:34 > 0:28:40# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
0:28:40 > 0:28:42# We wish you a merry Christmas
0:28:42 > 0:28:44# And a happy new year
0:28:44 > 0:28:47# Good tidings we bring
0:28:47 > 0:28:50# To you and your king
0:28:50 > 0:28:52# We wish you a merry Christmas
0:28:52 > 0:28:59# And a happy new year! #