It Was Panning

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0:00:00 > 0:00:04Well, hello to you, and a hearty, Happy Christmas!

0:00:05 > 0:00:08Oh, I've missed you. Thrilled to be reunited.

0:00:08 > 0:00:12Thank you for dressing up or down, in some cases.

0:00:12 > 0:00:14And to those for undressing, I'm flattered,

0:00:14 > 0:00:17but put them back on, please. It's weird. OK.

0:00:17 > 0:00:22Right, catch-up time. Firstly, Gary. Well, we've agreed just friends.

0:00:22 > 0:00:26No, it's the right thing to do and easier than our attempts at romance.

0:00:28 > 0:00:29Ooh! Are you OK?

0:00:29 > 0:00:31Yeah. Mm hmm.

0:00:31 > 0:00:33Yeah? Just... just give us a minute.

0:00:51 > 0:00:53Want a bit of this?

0:00:53 > 0:00:57Now, Mum, she's on a mission to get me trim 'n fit.

0:00:57 > 0:00:59It's not working. Mini mince pie?

0:00:59 > 0:01:03Mine! But she did force me to her and Tilly's Zumba class.

0:01:05 > 0:01:07Next move!

0:01:07 > 0:01:09Oh no, that's sexual. Sorry, I'm not doing that.

0:01:09 > 0:01:11And find partners!

0:01:11 > 0:01:12Oh, well. When in Rome.

0:01:14 > 0:01:16Flirt!

0:01:16 > 0:01:17Hi, I'm gymnastics level 2.

0:01:17 > 0:01:19SHE FARTS

0:01:20 > 0:01:24And now to reveal my big bulletin. Not a euphemism.

0:01:24 > 0:01:27My lovely shop has gone under. I know!

0:01:27 > 0:01:29Well, we hit hard times, and Stevie said

0:01:29 > 0:01:32I wasn't taking the business seriously.

0:01:32 > 0:01:35And you really thought maracas would sell?

0:01:37 > 0:01:40Please, for once, just focus. Now, if we sell...

0:01:40 > 0:01:42# Celebrate good times... #

0:01:42 > 0:01:44Right! That's it. I quit!

0:01:44 > 0:01:47Oh no! Stevie, wait! Biscuit Blizzard, yeah?

0:01:53 > 0:01:56So Stevie's got some executive job, but on a positive note,

0:01:56 > 0:01:58it's cake and sherry night tonight -

0:01:58 > 0:02:03yes, I am 80 - to celebrate MY new job starting tomorrow.

0:02:03 > 0:02:05Admin assistant at your service.

0:02:07 > 0:02:09Cue titles.

0:02:23 > 0:02:27- BOTH:- # Santa Claus is coming to town

0:02:27 > 0:02:29# He sees you when you're sleeping

0:02:29 > 0:02:31# He knows when you're awake... #

0:02:31 > 0:02:34Right, you want to learn to marzipan the cake?

0:02:34 > 0:02:36Yes, Madam. OK.

0:02:36 > 0:02:38Oh! No! No, no, no, no.

0:02:38 > 0:02:40Much more gently than that. That's it. Just smooth it.

0:02:43 > 0:02:45Ooh! We're interrupting!

0:02:45 > 0:02:48Queen Kong, Gary! You were on the brink of a kiss.

0:02:48 > 0:02:50Totes brinkulating.

0:02:50 > 0:02:51- BOTH:- No!

0:02:51 > 0:02:53We're just friends. We are hanging. We are sorting it.

0:02:53 > 0:02:55"We" this, "we" that.

0:02:55 > 0:02:56Yeah, can you stop "weeing"?

0:02:58 > 0:03:02Oh! Can you stop "weeing"? Because of the connotation.

0:03:02 > 0:03:05No? Can you stop "weeing"?

0:03:06 > 0:03:08So where have you been?

0:03:08 > 0:03:10You're late for sherry and a slice night.

0:03:10 > 0:03:13We've been trying some evening classes. We just did Kendo.

0:03:13 > 0:03:16It's fun, yet... yet violent.

0:03:16 > 0:03:17We-oh-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

0:03:18 > 0:03:20It's quite moi!

0:03:20 > 0:03:23And then we did Aqua-French, and that was quite moi as well.

0:03:23 > 0:03:25I love being single. It's brilliant.

0:03:25 > 0:03:28As professional executives, it's important

0:03:28 > 0:03:30we find our extracurricular activity.

0:03:30 > 0:03:32Yeah, it's all about the hobby dobby doo.

0:03:33 > 0:03:36Hobbying with our new best friend Tilly, are we?

0:03:36 > 0:03:40Oh, putting "are we" after a fact to be passive aggressive, are we?

0:03:40 > 0:03:43Strutting like a rabid Smurf, are we?

0:03:44 > 0:03:47Got a bit of marzipan on our cheek, have we?

0:03:47 > 0:03:50Getting the "are we" wrong and saying "have we"

0:03:50 > 0:03:53instead of "are we", are we? I won!

0:03:53 > 0:03:56Oh, come here. You have got marzipan, actually.

0:03:56 > 0:03:58Are you feeling on the brink?

0:03:58 > 0:04:02Maybe a bit brinky, yeah. We must be brinkless Gary.

0:04:02 > 0:04:06Sorry, no brinking. It's just you were cutely vulnerable.

0:04:06 > 0:04:08And you teaching was manly and dominant.

0:04:11 > 0:04:13- BOTH:- On the brink!

0:04:13 > 0:04:15- BOTH:- # Brinkle, brinkle, Little star

0:04:15 > 0:04:18# How I wonder what you are. #

0:04:18 > 0:04:22Miranda, darling. I've had another GHASTLY Christmas newsletter.

0:04:22 > 0:04:24And hello to you, Mum. Christmas cheer.

0:04:24 > 0:04:27Stop it. We're British, sober and no-one's going to prison.

0:04:28 > 0:04:32Cheers. This one's from the Lumley-Kendalls.

0:04:32 > 0:04:35"Baby Nelson said his first two words, 'good shot'.

0:04:37 > 0:04:39"Tarquin is rowing to the Sudan to take them

0:04:39 > 0:04:42"pate as part of his Duke of Edinburgh Award.

0:04:43 > 0:04:47"And Latoya lost three stone doing charity fun runs

0:04:47 > 0:04:49"and marries a Duke in the spring."

0:04:49 > 0:04:53So smug. Plus, Mrs Lumely-Kendall thought I was 64.

0:04:53 > 0:04:55You are 64.

0:04:55 > 0:04:59I just turned 52. Oh! For a newsletter like that.

0:04:59 > 0:05:02All I could say was, "Miranda's a fat temp."

0:05:02 > 0:05:03Harsh!

0:05:05 > 0:05:07Right, dashing home ASAP.

0:05:07 > 0:05:11I've got an appointment with your father to exfoliate his...

0:05:12 > 0:05:14Right, here we go.

0:05:14 > 0:05:15That looks delicious!

0:05:15 > 0:05:16Thanks, Gary.

0:05:16 > 0:05:17Yum!

0:05:17 > 0:05:20'A new report suggests up to 65% of us

0:05:20 > 0:05:22'could now be considered obese.'

0:05:22 > 0:05:24How do people GET like that?

0:05:24 > 0:05:25ALL: Don't know!

0:05:25 > 0:05:28'This is Michael Jackford for Southern News.'

0:05:36 > 0:05:38Was that me?

0:05:38 > 0:05:40Was I just at the end of an obesity report?

0:05:40 > 0:05:43GIRLS SQUEAL WITH LAUGHTER

0:05:43 > 0:05:47Shocker! Lat mousse! Which you probably want to scoff!

0:05:48 > 0:05:50Obese-Wan Ken-Obiste!

0:05:50 > 0:05:53I'm not obese. The camera was just panning away, wasn't it?

0:05:53 > 0:05:56Oh yeah, yeah, no. It was moving off. The camera was panning.

0:05:56 > 0:05:58That was weird!

0:05:58 > 0:06:01YOU! On the telly! Weird!

0:06:01 > 0:06:04Of ALL the people to get on the telly.

0:06:04 > 0:06:06REALLY weird!

0:06:06 > 0:06:07Yes, thank you.

0:06:09 > 0:06:14Right, we are, of course, gathere'ed here tonight to toast ahoy

0:06:14 > 0:06:16and welcome aboard my hearty -

0:06:16 > 0:06:19oh, I've gone sort of posh pirate - to...

0:06:19 > 0:06:21my new job.

0:06:21 > 0:06:24- Your new job.- Your new job.- Jobulous.

0:06:24 > 0:06:27And, of course, we say a bon voyage to the shop, which in...

0:06:27 > 0:06:30Mmmm! Delicious. Excuse me, what are you doing? I'm doing a speech.

0:06:30 > 0:06:33A sweepstake for when you'll be fired.

0:06:33 > 0:06:34I'm going ten past nine.

0:06:34 > 0:06:35I START at nine.

0:06:37 > 0:06:39Five past nine.

0:06:40 > 0:06:43Rude! You forget I am a slick chick.

0:06:51 > 0:06:55Isn't it full? Isn't it... isn't it full? Oh, no?

0:06:55 > 0:06:56Hello!

0:06:56 > 0:07:00I've had relationships with less physical contact than this.

0:07:00 > 0:07:01Are you holding my hand?

0:07:01 > 0:07:02No.

0:07:04 > 0:07:07Inappropriately close to someone else's teeth.

0:07:09 > 0:07:10Egg breath!

0:07:16 > 0:07:19OK, I can do this. Deep breath.

0:07:23 > 0:07:25Ooh! Ooh, my goodness!

0:07:32 > 0:07:34Hi, morning. I've just got a very hot leg.

0:07:45 > 0:07:46Yo!

0:07:48 > 0:07:52Sorry. I'm from the agency. Temp, not escort!

0:07:52 > 0:07:54Not "your 9 o'clock's here, big and busty".

0:07:54 > 0:07:56Looking at you but not listening.

0:07:56 > 0:07:59Right, this is your area. Do you hear what I am saying?

0:07:59 > 0:08:01Well I do, yes, in that I'm not deaf.

0:08:01 > 0:08:03I'll get you a pass and a fob.

0:08:03 > 0:08:04Fob?

0:08:04 > 0:08:06That's Sue. This is Emma. I'm Emma.

0:08:06 > 0:08:09Just one thing, what does the company actually do?

0:08:09 > 0:08:11We provide strategic planning and data support

0:08:11 > 0:08:14and recently creative new media to blue-chip financial service

0:08:14 > 0:08:17companies across Hampshire and the Thames Valley...

0:08:17 > 0:08:21- The new media boss is coming in this morning?- New boss. Do you hear what I'm saying?

0:08:21 > 0:08:26- I hear you say that but I don't really know what you're saying. - I totally hear what you're saying.

0:08:26 > 0:08:28But she only really said "Do you hear what I'm saying?"

0:08:28 > 0:08:31It's fine, you know. I'll catch the lingo.

0:08:31 > 0:08:34You know, you're just a bit younger. So what? What year where you born?

0:08:34 > 0:08:36BOTH: 1991?

0:08:36 > 0:08:39That's only just happened!

0:08:39 > 0:08:40No, you've got that wrong.

0:08:40 > 0:08:43BOTH: Nice outfit, by the way.

0:08:43 > 0:08:44Thanks, dudes. Yup, sure.

0:08:44 > 0:08:46Longhurst, Bailey and...

0:08:46 > 0:08:50What's the... What's the company? Longhurst, Bailey... Longhurst...

0:08:50 > 0:08:52PHONE RINGS

0:08:52 > 0:08:55Longhurst, Bailey and Nn-uhh.

0:08:55 > 0:08:58Yes, yes. Certainly. I'll put you through. Just, umm...

0:09:07 > 0:09:09Longhurst, Bailey and Uh-oh?

0:09:11 > 0:09:12(What's the company?)

0:09:12 > 0:09:15Sorry, yes, hello, won't keep you long.

0:09:15 > 0:09:18Please hold, your call is important to us, please hold.

0:09:18 > 0:09:20Do you want to play biscuit blizzard?

0:09:21 > 0:09:24All so serious. Where are the larks?

0:09:24 > 0:09:26Oh, I miss Stevie and the shop!

0:09:27 > 0:09:29The drawing pins have been laid.

0:09:29 > 0:09:31It's time for Hopper roulette.

0:09:31 > 0:09:34Gladiators, mount your hoppers.

0:09:34 > 0:09:35- BOTH:- Go!

0:09:36 > 0:09:37BOTH SCREAM

0:09:39 > 0:09:42PHONE RINGS

0:09:42 > 0:09:45I'm going to have to pick it up and say a rude word.

0:09:46 > 0:09:48Spasm.

0:09:49 > 0:09:50Right, listen up.

0:09:50 > 0:09:51PHONE RINGS

0:09:51 > 0:09:53Sheath.

0:09:56 > 0:09:57(Sorry!)

0:09:57 > 0:09:58(New boss.)

0:09:59 > 0:10:02Right guys, I want to get a feel for how we all tick.

0:10:02 > 0:10:06All right? Let's go around the room - names, hobbies, top strength.

0:10:06 > 0:10:07You, top strength, go!

0:10:10 > 0:10:11(Must have one.)

0:10:12 > 0:10:14Height!

0:10:15 > 0:10:18- You, go.- Susan Perb. Call me Sue.

0:10:18 > 0:10:20- Sue Perb?- Yes.

0:10:20 > 0:10:24Sue Perb? How is that not funny?

0:10:24 > 0:10:26Nothing from anyone.

0:10:26 > 0:10:27She's called Sue Perb!

0:10:27 > 0:10:30- What?- What?!

0:10:30 > 0:10:32Right, OK. that is it,

0:10:32 > 0:10:36I cannot work with people who don't find that properly funny.

0:10:37 > 0:10:40Have you ever walked past this meeting room

0:10:40 > 0:10:42and flashed during an important meeting?

0:10:42 > 0:10:44If not, why not?

0:10:44 > 0:10:47Youth is for at least the odd lark which is why

0:10:47 > 0:10:51I am determined to get my beautiful shop back.

0:11:01 > 0:11:02Funny!

0:11:02 > 0:11:03Fact!

0:11:06 > 0:11:08You're taking the shop off the market?

0:11:08 > 0:11:11Brilliant! Oh, we should celebrate, as friends, obviously.

0:11:11 > 0:11:13- Movie and take away? - BOTH:- Void of brink.

0:11:13 > 0:11:14- Tonight, yeah?- Definitely.

0:11:14 > 0:11:16Er, what are you doing tonight?

0:11:16 > 0:11:20I thought it was Miranda and Stevie's Meet At Six For Chick Flicks Pic'n'Mix And Bix Fix.

0:11:20 > 0:11:23No, I'm going to celebrate trying to get the shop back.

0:11:23 > 0:11:24Oh, Stevie, will you come back?

0:11:24 > 0:11:26Stevie's an executive now.

0:11:26 > 0:11:28- Oh, is Stevie?- Yes, Stevie is.

0:11:28 > 0:11:30She manages the retail appointments at a recruitment...

0:11:30 > 0:11:32It was just white noise.

0:11:38 > 0:11:42Part of a televisual obese campaign?

0:11:42 > 0:11:44It was panning.

0:11:44 > 0:11:47Right, Christmas is confiscated until you've detoxed and lost weight

0:11:47 > 0:11:52for the Lumley-Kendall's Cashmere-Sweater-Themed- Christingle-Pringle-Mingle.

0:11:52 > 0:11:53PHONE RINGS

0:11:53 > 0:11:58Oh! Your father's made some Michael Buble baubles.

0:11:58 > 0:11:59Such fun!

0:12:01 > 0:12:03Oh, she wouldn't confiscate Christmas, would she?

0:12:03 > 0:12:07I mean, all the food and the pressies and the food

0:12:07 > 0:12:12and the music and the food and the food and the fires

0:12:12 > 0:12:14and the food and the food.

0:12:15 > 0:12:17And the food.

0:12:17 > 0:12:20You SHOULD detox, you're obsessed with food.

0:12:20 > 0:12:23I am not detoxing. You have to eat things called pearl barley

0:12:23 > 0:12:26and you know my rule, I will not eat something that

0:12:26 > 0:12:29sounds like a character in Coronation Street.

0:12:29 > 0:12:34There's loads of great, healthy things out there. I could make you a sugar-free beetroot cake.

0:12:39 > 0:12:42A sugar-free beetroot cake?

0:12:42 > 0:12:44What next? A pea and ham sponge?

0:12:44 > 0:12:48I don't know. I'm out of here cos I've got to make an appointment with

0:12:48 > 0:12:51a business manager, do you hear what I am saying?

0:12:54 > 0:12:55Tripped!

0:12:55 > 0:12:57I meant to, I meant to go out like that.

0:12:58 > 0:13:01Like a little pony doing dressage.

0:13:06 > 0:13:08A five, six, seven, eight.

0:13:08 > 0:13:11# Rockin' around the Christmas tree... #

0:13:11 > 0:13:13# ..at the Christmas party hop

0:13:15 > 0:13:17# Mistletoe hung where you can see

0:13:17 > 0:13:20# Every couple tries to stop... #

0:13:22 > 0:13:25I'm just so bored of the shop accounts.

0:13:25 > 0:13:28Right, well listen don't tell your mum but pizza, popcorn,

0:13:28 > 0:13:30- horror film, anti-romance.- Great.

0:13:32 > 0:13:35- Ooh, yum!- Oh, smells good! Er, you.- OK. Thanks.

0:13:45 > 0:13:47BOTH SCREAM

0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Sorry.- Sorry.

0:13:52 > 0:13:54Can you not get popcorn everywhere?

0:13:54 > 0:13:56Sorry, the husks travel.

0:13:56 > 0:13:59Husks. That's an excellent word, isn't it?

0:13:59 > 0:14:00Husks.

0:14:02 > 0:14:04Husks.

0:14:09 > 0:14:10BOTH SCREAM

0:14:10 > 0:14:11BOTH SIGH

0:14:11 > 0:14:15I don't want to watch but I can't not watch. It's like Boris Johnson.

0:14:15 > 0:14:16BOTH SCREAM

0:14:18 > 0:14:21Oh no! The electricity bill.

0:14:25 > 0:14:26- You've got that look on your face. - What?

0:14:26 > 0:14:30No, I was thinking about the girl in the film, she's quite cute.

0:14:30 > 0:14:32Oh, really?

0:14:32 > 0:14:35Oh, well. If you like that kind of spindly, button-nosed

0:14:35 > 0:14:38kind of you could use her as a toothpick kind of thing, then, fine,

0:14:38 > 0:14:41then track her down, she might be in Hong Kong, you could marry her.

0:14:41 > 0:14:44I knew it! I knew you hadn't forgiven me.

0:14:44 > 0:14:45I married Tamara for a green card.

0:14:45 > 0:14:47Green card, yeah, yeah.

0:14:47 > 0:14:48LOUD BANG

0:14:48 > 0:14:49They're coming to get us!

0:14:49 > 0:14:53- Put the pizza down.- Mum!

0:14:53 > 0:14:57- Penny.- I smell fat people.

0:14:59 > 0:15:02I have an appointment with Miranda at 9.

0:15:02 > 0:15:04- Yes, that's me.- Good morning. - Good morning.- Shall we?

0:15:13 > 0:15:15My name is Dick Twist.

0:15:18 > 0:15:21Dick Twist! Why not?

0:15:21 > 0:15:23I received your application for a loan.

0:15:23 > 0:15:26- So let's go over your particulars. - Cheeky!

0:15:27 > 0:15:28Right.

0:15:28 > 0:15:32Now, your application is not what we'd normally expect. For starters,

0:15:32 > 0:15:34time at current address -

0:15:34 > 0:15:3511.30?

0:15:37 > 0:15:40- Well, that was the time. - Yes, what's your collateral?

0:15:40 > 0:15:42Oh, it's really high I'm afraid.

0:15:42 > 0:15:44I try and stay off cream.

0:15:44 > 0:15:47Yes, I think until you get a manager with a clear business plan

0:15:47 > 0:15:49- to assess all the... - No, wait, Mr Twist.

0:15:49 > 0:15:52I do have an idea that will be really profitable

0:15:52 > 0:15:55if I can just get my maracas out.

0:15:55 > 0:15:56- Not that.- Yes, I was going to say

0:15:56 > 0:15:59I don't think that would be very profitable at all.

0:16:00 > 0:16:04Right well, if Zumba is such a craze, yes?

0:16:04 > 0:16:07What about Maraca-class?

0:16:09 > 0:16:11Yeah?

0:16:11 > 0:16:12Look at that. Ooh! A bit saucy!

0:16:12 > 0:16:16Arms out, arms - look at that! Let's try it with music.

0:16:16 > 0:16:18SALSA MUSIC PLAYS

0:16:18 > 0:16:21Oh! Yeah?

0:16:21 > 0:16:23I am a one-woman fiesta.

0:16:24 > 0:16:26Imagine me with a Brazilian.

0:16:26 > 0:16:28Forget I said that.

0:16:30 > 0:16:33Any minute now I think you'll think, "Yeah, this is an idea."

0:16:34 > 0:16:36Oh.

0:16:42 > 0:16:44Was that Ross Kemp?

0:16:47 > 0:16:50Oh! They're repossessing the shop.

0:16:50 > 0:16:52On Friday. I've defaulted my mortgage payments.

0:16:52 > 0:16:57That is the final straw. You are an obese destitute.

0:16:57 > 0:16:59- It was panning.- Obese destitute.

0:16:59 > 0:17:02Can't write that in my newsletter, can I?

0:17:02 > 0:17:05Now you look here - Mummy will save the shop, manage the business

0:17:05 > 0:17:07if you come to Eaters Anonymous.

0:17:07 > 0:17:09Even the notion!

0:17:09 > 0:17:10Right. No Christmas.

0:17:10 > 0:17:14Fine. I do not want to hang with you and Dad for two days being subjected

0:17:14 > 0:17:18to Dad's yearly one-man performance of the Twelve Days of Christmas.

0:17:18 > 0:17:20No-one should have to see his maids-a-milking!

0:17:20 > 0:17:24- Darling, what about his five gold rings?- They are worse!

0:17:26 > 0:17:28But you could play with your father's present.

0:17:28 > 0:17:30I've got him an eye patch.

0:17:30 > 0:17:31PAD. iPAD.

0:17:32 > 0:17:35Why's it so irritating when they get it wrong?

0:17:35 > 0:17:38Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, I really need your help now, it's serious.

0:17:38 > 0:17:41You made it very clear your friendship allegiance is with Gary.

0:17:41 > 0:17:44I want nothing to do with her, friends forgive each other.

0:17:44 > 0:17:46Oh, bear with, bear with.

0:17:46 > 0:17:48Bear with, bear with, bear with.

0:17:49 > 0:17:52Stinky says there's a woman doing Banzai,

0:17:52 > 0:17:55that's bonsai with aggressive bushes. "Hurry...

0:17:56 > 0:17:58"..to get a place." Oh, this is it!

0:17:58 > 0:18:00This is me!

0:18:00 > 0:18:02Oh! Me too, this can be MY thing!

0:18:02 > 0:18:05Oh, well, fine. You go off and aggressively trim your bush.

0:18:06 > 0:18:10And I've got a new business associate. Introducing...

0:18:10 > 0:18:11Penny.

0:18:11 > 0:18:14- In your bonsai faces.- Nice!

0:18:15 > 0:18:16- BOTH:- Tripped.

0:18:16 > 0:18:19I meant to. I meant to go out like this.

0:18:21 > 0:18:25BOTH SING

0:18:29 > 0:18:33I am only doing this if you come to Eater's Anonymous.

0:18:33 > 0:18:35Yes, Mummy.

0:18:35 > 0:18:37It'll be such fun.

0:18:37 > 0:18:40You're all very jolly, aren't you, you...people?

0:18:45 > 0:18:46CLEARS THROAT

0:18:46 > 0:18:48Thank you so much for coming back.

0:18:48 > 0:18:51Now, may I introduce you to my mother and business manager, Penny?

0:18:51 > 0:18:54- Dick Twist.- I'm sorry?

0:18:54 > 0:18:55Dick Twist.

0:18:55 > 0:18:58- What's he saying? - That's his name. Dick Twist.

0:18:58 > 0:19:00- Dick Twist?- Dick Twist.- Dick Twist.

0:19:00 > 0:19:02- Dick Twist.- Dick Twist.- Dick Twist.

0:19:02 > 0:19:03Husk!

0:19:03 > 0:19:05Sorry.

0:19:07 > 0:19:09I am so sorry about earlier.

0:19:09 > 0:19:12As long as you don't get your maracas out again.

0:19:12 > 0:19:14Oh, Miranda! I am so sorry.

0:19:14 > 0:19:17No-one needs to see the mirudders as we call them.

0:19:19 > 0:19:22They move independently, she has the nipple equivalent of a lazy eye.

0:19:25 > 0:19:29Right. Do you now have a business model so I can consider this loan?

0:19:29 > 0:19:34I certainly am a model - Miss Goadalming, 1968.

0:19:34 > 0:19:37Gave it up to have children. So, that was worthwhile.

0:19:37 > 0:19:40Can you project for me profit and loss?

0:19:40 > 0:19:42# Profit and l-o-o-o-o-ss! #

0:19:44 > 0:19:47She's as incompetent as you are.

0:19:47 > 0:19:49Wait, please, Mr Twist, what are my options?

0:19:49 > 0:19:52Well, have you considered getting a partner?

0:19:52 > 0:19:56Oh, we have tried and tried, Dick, if you pardon the vernacular.

0:19:56 > 0:20:00She couldn't attract a partner if you shoved a giant magnet down her blouse

0:20:00 > 0:20:02and sat her next to a man made of iron filings!

0:20:04 > 0:20:07Well, unless you find a manager with a coherent business plan

0:20:07 > 0:20:11within the next 36 hours, the bailiffs will repossess.

0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Oh, no! Mummy!- Oh, heavens. You're going to get repossessed!

0:20:16 > 0:20:20You'd be a disaster in prison and by that I mean very popular.

0:20:20 > 0:20:25I know, we'll advertise on the interweb for a new manager.

0:20:25 > 0:20:27We've just got time before Eater's Anonymous.

0:20:27 > 0:20:29What's this?

0:20:29 > 0:20:33Chat With Lonely Oil Rig Workers.

0:20:33 > 0:20:34That's just spam.

0:20:36 > 0:20:40Hi. Just a couple of notices pre the weighing.

0:20:40 > 0:20:43Firstly, I've got a very heavy jean on.

0:20:43 > 0:20:46Secondly, my breasts are quite heavy.

0:20:46 > 0:20:49I know that because I once weighed them to see how much they cost to post.

0:20:49 > 0:20:51Just step on, please.

0:20:51 > 0:20:54Also, could we factor in that at least 10% will be wind?

0:20:57 > 0:20:59Make that 7.5%.

0:21:00 > 0:21:027%. Caught me unawares.

0:21:02 > 0:21:04- Get on.- Yes.

0:21:06 > 0:21:07I could be a jockey.

0:21:07 > 0:21:09Only if you had a massive horse.

0:21:11 > 0:21:14Gather. Gather, please, that's it. Gather, please.

0:21:14 > 0:21:18Now, today, I want to focus on a scenario to help you through

0:21:18 > 0:21:20this difficult Christmas period.

0:21:20 > 0:21:22So...

0:21:22 > 0:21:28which section to the left or right looks the most delicious?

0:21:28 > 0:21:30ALL: To the left.

0:21:30 > 0:21:31- No, try again. - ALL: To the left.

0:21:31 > 0:21:34# To the left, to the left... # Beyonce.

0:21:34 > 0:21:35# You must not know 'bout me

0:21:35 > 0:21:37# You must not know 'bout me... #

0:21:37 > 0:21:39Sorry. I think we're always going to say

0:21:39 > 0:21:41# To the left, to the left. #

0:21:41 > 0:21:43Tell you for why, it's got pies on it.

0:21:43 > 0:21:45High five me, man-boobs. Bam!

0:21:45 > 0:21:48So, now it's time for one of my mantras.

0:21:48 > 0:21:51If you ever feel like a cake,

0:21:51 > 0:21:53stop yourself,

0:21:53 > 0:21:54have a carrot.

0:21:57 > 0:21:59# Are you out of your tiny mind? #

0:21:59 > 0:22:01- Sorry, still a bit Beyonce! - Pipe down!

0:22:01 > 0:22:04Look I am just trying to help you help yourself.

0:22:04 > 0:22:06- Say what? - Help yourself.

0:22:06 > 0:22:08Thank you very much.

0:22:08 > 0:22:10No, not to the buffet, sit down!

0:22:10 > 0:22:11SHOUTING

0:22:11 > 0:22:14It's like Jurassic Park in leggings! Get back!

0:22:17 > 0:22:20- Stevie!- What are you doing here? - Running away from Mum. You?

0:22:20 > 0:22:22Running away from Tilly.

0:22:22 > 0:22:23BOTH SIGH

0:22:23 > 0:22:25- BOTH:- Aw, missed you.

0:22:26 > 0:22:28Listen, I've advertised for a new shop manager.

0:22:28 > 0:22:32- Are you really happy in your job? - Yes.- Because it's so important

0:22:32 > 0:22:35to be in fun dynamic work with colleagues who are tall, beautiful,

0:22:35 > 0:22:38hilair, bit model-like, who could I be talking about? Me.

0:22:39 > 0:22:41- PENNY:- Miranda!

0:22:41 > 0:22:42- TILLY:- Stevie!

0:22:42 > 0:22:44We need partners for Banzai!

0:22:44 > 0:22:46Fetch the fatty!

0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Oh, you look ridiculous. - I have to hold them when running.

0:22:52 > 0:22:54Quick!

0:22:58 > 0:23:00CHOIR: # Sometimes in our lives

0:23:00 > 0:23:02# We all have pain

0:23:02 > 0:23:06# We all have sorrow

0:23:06 > 0:23:10# But if we hold hands

0:23:10 > 0:23:13# We know that there's

0:23:13 > 0:23:15# Always tomorrow

0:23:15 > 0:23:17- MAN:- # Lean on me

0:23:17 > 0:23:20# When you're not strong

0:23:20 > 0:23:23STEVIE: # I'll be your friend

0:23:23 > 0:23:26# I'll help you carry on... #

0:23:27 > 0:23:32- That's so my thing! I've found my activity, wasn't that me? - It was so you, maybe it's me.

0:23:32 > 0:23:35- OUT OF TUNE: - # Somebody to lean on. #

0:23:35 > 0:23:37- So not you.- So not me.

0:23:38 > 0:23:43Stevie, I can see the reporter. I'm going to... Right.

0:23:46 > 0:23:48CHOIR: # Lean on me... #

0:23:49 > 0:23:51Mr News Reporter? Sorry to bother you.

0:23:51 > 0:23:54I've got a really important question about your obesity report.

0:23:54 > 0:23:56You see, I was in it at the end.

0:23:56 > 0:23:58- Does that mean that I was part of it?- Oh, poor you.

0:23:58 > 0:24:01No, no, we wouldn't do that. No, we were panning across.

0:24:01 > 0:24:03No, I mean you're...you're lovely.

0:24:03 > 0:24:07Oh, gosh. Really? Thanks. Stop it. Really? Stop it. Lovely? Really?

0:24:07 > 0:24:12Stop it. Really? Stop it. Really? Stop it. Lovely? Really?

0:24:12 > 0:24:14Stop it.

0:24:14 > 0:24:16Stop it.

0:24:17 > 0:24:20Stevie! It was panning, I'm not obese!

0:24:20 > 0:24:22# She's not obese

0:24:22 > 0:24:25# It was panning. #

0:24:27 > 0:24:32No, Stevie hasn't replied. Well, at least we're friends, I'm meeting her for a coffee after this.

0:24:32 > 0:24:36We have one applicant. Patricia Nelson and her CV says

0:24:36 > 0:24:40"I am the one and only, no other I'd rather be."

0:24:41 > 0:24:43Good luck.

0:24:43 > 0:24:47Good morning. I'm Patricia Nelson. I have an interview at 10.

0:24:48 > 0:24:50Good morning, Patricia Nelson?

0:24:50 > 0:24:52Patricia Nelson, good morning.

0:24:52 > 0:24:54Good morning, Patricia Nelson.

0:24:54 > 0:24:56- Do take a seat, please. - Kind regards.

0:24:56 > 0:24:59So, Patricia Nelson.

0:24:59 > 0:25:01Patricia Nelson, thank you.

0:25:01 > 0:25:03Thank you and kind regards.

0:25:03 > 0:25:06Well, I just have one key question really, for you,

0:25:06 > 0:25:07Patricia Nelson,

0:25:07 > 0:25:12what two main skills do you think I'm looking for, please, thank you, to you, please?

0:25:12 > 0:25:16Well, one, I can fall off a very high stool without injuring myself.

0:25:16 > 0:25:20And, B, I do a surprisingly effective Heather Small impression.

0:25:21 > 0:25:23Most excellent.

0:25:23 > 0:25:25Well, Patricia Nelson I'm so sorry to cut this so short

0:25:25 > 0:25:27but I'm actually meeting a friend for a coffee.

0:25:27 > 0:25:30- Oh, I, Patricia Nelson, am also. BOTH:- Isn't that weird?

0:25:30 > 0:25:33- Yes.- I look forward to hearing from you. Kind regards.

0:25:33 > 0:25:36Kind regards and best wishes hence forward to you.

0:25:39 > 0:25:41Oh, hi, Stevie.

0:25:41 > 0:25:44- Oh, hi.- Hi there. So what's new?

0:25:44 > 0:25:46Oh, I've just come from a job interview.

0:25:46 > 0:25:48Have you? How did that go?

0:25:48 > 0:25:49Well, she seemed all right.

0:25:49 > 0:25:54It was a she interviewing although hard to tell initially. Big hands.

0:25:54 > 0:25:56How goes it with you?

0:25:56 > 0:25:58I'm actually interviewing for the new shop manager.

0:25:58 > 0:26:01- Oh!- Yeah, just saw a tiny woman.

0:26:01 > 0:26:04Thought she was coming round for her Brownie badge.

0:26:04 > 0:26:07Well, I think my interviewer might have been wearing

0:26:07 > 0:26:09an elasticated maternity jean.

0:26:09 > 0:26:13I would have thought that very unlikely.

0:26:13 > 0:26:14They're SO comfortable.

0:26:16 > 0:26:18Well, will you just excuse me, actually,

0:26:18 > 0:26:22cos I've just got to ring my Jimmy Cranky-esque interviewee, so...

0:26:22 > 0:26:24PHONE RINGS

0:26:24 > 0:26:27- BOTH:- Isn't that weird? - Do excuse me.- Yes, of course.

0:26:27 > 0:26:29Hello?

0:26:29 > 0:26:32- Hello, is that Patricia Nelson? - Patricia Nelson speaking.

0:26:32 > 0:26:35Hello, Patricia Nelson, just to say you've got the job.

0:26:35 > 0:26:37Miranda...

0:26:37 > 0:26:38It was me!

0:26:40 > 0:26:42Well, yes, I know!

0:26:43 > 0:26:45Well, when did you guess?

0:26:45 > 0:26:47The minute you came in, you idiot!

0:26:47 > 0:26:50Right, come on. Let's get our shop back. You've got to ring

0:26:50 > 0:26:53and make an appointment with Dick Twist immediately. Go!

0:26:56 > 0:26:57Sounds exciting.

0:26:57 > 0:26:59Yes. And, listen, you were right, OK?

0:26:59 > 0:27:02I hadn't forgiven you, so here is me letting go.

0:27:02 > 0:27:03I'm sorry.

0:27:03 > 0:27:06- And I'm sorry that I never said. - No, it's OK. Friends?

0:27:08 > 0:27:10We've got Dick Twist's last appointment!

0:27:10 > 0:27:12Emergency walk.

0:27:12 > 0:27:14- BOTH:- Long way up, short way down. Go.

0:27:18 > 0:27:20I think it's time.

0:27:20 > 0:27:24# What have you done today to make you feel proud? #

0:27:25 > 0:27:26Got our shop back.

0:27:28 > 0:27:29Step to the left.

0:27:30 > 0:27:31Step to the right.

0:27:32 > 0:27:34Superb, Sue Perb.

0:27:36 > 0:27:37And twist.

0:27:38 > 0:27:40Twist, Dick. Dick, twist.

0:27:40 > 0:27:41Funny!

0:27:45 > 0:27:47Now, let's celebrate good times, come on!

0:27:49 > 0:27:52Do listen to the end of my newsletter.

0:27:52 > 0:27:54"And, finally to Miranda,

0:27:54 > 0:27:58"who has resurrected a boutique in difficult economic times.

0:27:58 > 0:28:01"She is the creator of the latest fitness craze

0:28:01 > 0:28:07"and the dashing news reporter said she was lovely, not obese."

0:28:07 > 0:28:10- Happy Christmas! - ALL: Happy Christmas!

0:28:10 > 0:28:14So will government provision help these geriatric, frail

0:28:14 > 0:28:19unfortunates at the end of their lives to keep warm this winter?

0:28:19 > 0:28:22This is Michael Jackford with the elderly and infirm.

0:28:32 > 0:28:34It was panning!

0:28:34 > 0:28:39# She's not old It was panning! #

0:28:39 > 0:28:43# Lean on me, when you're not strong

0:28:43 > 0:28:44Happy Christmas!

0:28:44 > 0:28:46# I'll be your friend

0:28:46 > 0:28:50#I'll help you carry on

0:28:50 > 0:28:56# For it won't be long Til I'm going to need

0:28:56 > 0:28:59# Somebody to lean on

0:28:59 > 0:29:00# Just call

0:29:00 > 0:29:02# Just call on me, brother

0:29:02 > 0:29:04# When you need a hand

0:29:04 > 0:29:05# We all

0:29:05 > 0:29:10# We all need somebody to lean on

0:29:10 > 0:29:13# I just might have a problem

0:29:13 > 0:29:15# That you'll understand

0:29:15 > 0:29:17- # We all - # We all need

0:29:17 > 0:29:21# Somebody to lean on... #

0:29:21 > 0:29:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd