0:00:00 > 0:00:01Evenin' all!
0:00:01 > 0:00:03Oh! Sounded like a policeman.
0:00:03 > 0:00:04Now pull up a chair,
0:00:04 > 0:00:09a sofa or a chaise for the more louche amongst you.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13Naughty! And focus, for I'm ready to impart ma' news.
0:00:13 > 0:00:18Mum is running for local council and appointed Tilly as campaign manager.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Prepare for the policies.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24M&S on the NHS!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27A restraining order for the whole of Essex!
0:00:27 > 0:00:30No tracksuits in Waitrose!
0:00:30 > 0:00:34If you're wearing a tracksuit and you're not exercising - Lidl.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Tax breaks for anyone who marries this.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45But the big news, prepare, Gary has been dating
0:00:45 > 0:00:50and is now an item with a lovely girl called Rose.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Convincing face?
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Hey, babe, are you ready?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57(MOCKINGLY) Hey, babe, you ready?
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Swede head.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Miranda!
0:01:06 > 0:01:10So, re Rose, I've decided - wait for it -
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I'm going to find me a boyfriend.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Start playing the field, yeah.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Stevie and I tried a spot o'field playing but it got competitive
0:01:19 > 0:01:21because it was a man in uniform!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Bonjour, I'm...
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Miranda.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43- BOTH:- Rude.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Tonight, it's girls' night in but after that, watch out, men. Oh...
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Indian banquet, the king of ready meals.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Oh! Indian banquet, nice!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06What's that? You want to switch the oven on and sort it all out?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Oh, thanks, Stevie.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Right, music.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I'm feeling Lionel.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14# Come on and sing along
0:02:14 > 0:02:16# All night long
0:02:16 > 0:02:18# All night
0:02:19 > 0:02:20# All night. #
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Sorry, what other best friend do you have
0:02:24 > 0:02:26to organise your surprise birthday party?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I'm organising it.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31YOUR organising your own SURPRISE party?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37'Dress code - come as what you wanted to be when you were younger.' Nice.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Hence the new shop's fancy dress stock. Clever, Stevie.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43"You're hired." Thank you, Sir Alan!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Your task is to surprise me
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- so I have a good reaction for the photo on the night.- Oh, OK.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- So let's try it.- Erm...
0:02:51 > 0:02:54All your family have been pressed to death by a steamroller
0:02:54 > 0:02:56and bricked up in a nunnery. Surprise!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59That's not a surprise, that's ridiculous.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- Sorry, I'll work on it.- Right...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- Dish one needs to go in the oven for 20 minutes.- OK.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- This one needs to go in the oven for 15 minutes. - Helloingtons, Queen Kongs.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09What's going down?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- BOTH:- Indian banquet.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Now this dish is microwaveable, three minutes,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17that goes in 17 minutes after dish one.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Agh!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22It's Friday night.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26We're in our mid 30s and we're doing some sort of curry exam.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Total Mare Portas. Put it down!
0:03:31 > 0:03:34We need to get to a nightclub and go on the pullingtons.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38She's right. How are you going to get a boyfriend if we keep staying in?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Sorry, you're...you're trying to get a boyfriend?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43No. Sorry.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46It's totes possiblos. Well, you're going to have to go clubbing.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49No, because my future boyfriend won't be in a discotheque.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53He'll be a knight in shining armour revealing himself purposefully.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Beat ya!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Oh, sorry we're crashing something.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58- BOTH:- Girls' night.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Oh can I jump in?- No.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03My hot water's still not working, do you mind if we shower here?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- Or we could shower together, that would save water. - No, unacceptable.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10So Kong are you heading clubwards or...?
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Right, sweaty boyfriend, I will turn your cold shower hot.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Yes! Yes, I am!
0:04:17 > 0:04:18What, you? Going clubbing?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Well, it's wrong to deny menkind this, isn't it?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Y'know. Who wouldn't want a bit of this, yeah?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29You, want a bit? Want a bit of this?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I'm aware it's gone weird, camp, and slightly threatening.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Sorry.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40CLUB MUSIC
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Right, scanning for men. They're everywhere.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50OK, be sexy.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Right, for those of us with allure, that's just me, switch it on.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Bang!
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Allure!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Alerticles, be alert. You'll know when it's a thing.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02You'll get a 'this is a thing' signal.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08How did she...? How does it become a thing?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11So, never going to be a thing with sort of half bopping.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14What am I doing? I look like Thunderbird who needs a wee.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Oh, Stevie, I'm so never getting a boyfriend. Why do...?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Come on, Miranda.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Ah, maybe this is a thing?
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Hi! I'm pretty good at farm noises, yeah.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Let's do a tractor.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Pffffffft!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44It's not a thing. Excuse me, lady, you're popping out.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47You've got a loose boob!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Hi, are you the news reporter? - Michael Jackford,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54reporting from a nightclub he's 20 years too old to attend.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Err, do, do you want a, um...
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Oh, wait for it, I... I CAN be down with it, a alcopop?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I think I'm ready to claim my jim-jams.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Why are you enduring this?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09It's a work colleague, it's her leaving do. Couldn't avoid it.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13How about joining 'da yoot' and getting a Maccy-dees?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Anything to get out of here.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22This will surprise you, little one.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I've found the Marmite.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- Get down, armed police.- Agh!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Surprise!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32How is this a surprise face?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36This is a face of terror from a sudden mock arrest!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Well PC Miranda's a bit of a surprise, isn't she?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43She's a bit feisty and confident with her...
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- SQUEAKS - ..truncheon.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Spread your legs, please, let's be having you.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54Now, just shush all round and no messing. I'm desperate to hear about last night.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55So, tell all.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59We stayed up till three. ME - up till three!
0:06:59 > 0:07:00And? And? Any kissing?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02We just talked. He obviously wasn't interested.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Oh, no, hang on.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Or he was and you didn't see it was a thing and know how to play it.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10How will I ever know how to 'play it'? I mean,
0:07:10 > 0:07:12if only we were peacocks - he'd flash his feathers,
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I'd assume the position, we'd know where we were.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I just want to be with someone.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Oh, only because of Gary and Rose. Stop being so jealous.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23She's not that bad.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26She jogs without a bra.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27If I jogged braless,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30it would look like I was smuggling ferrets in my armpits.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33But it's not just Rose.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I mean, it's hard being alone, isn't it? Even the cinema.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38You buy your popcorn then you need the loo.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Then there's no-one to hold your popcorn so you have to take into the cubicle, which is weird.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44You know what happened the last time.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Free hummus for the over 40s!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Sue Barker for Queen!
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Oh, Miranda.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Now, I need you to be on best behaviour for my campaign.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08So, don't get arrested or, tonight at my launch,
0:08:08 > 0:08:10try not to be there.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15So, Kong, saw you with that man at the club.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- PHONE BEEPS - Oh, sorry, bear with.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Bear with.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Funny photo.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- So erm, how did, how did that go? - Well...
0:08:28 > 0:08:30There's always Benjy.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33First cousin Benjy. Um...
0:08:33 > 0:08:37I'm the most beautiful goose. Ssss!
0:08:37 > 0:08:41No. And PC Miranda says that we, well, I,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44for we are one and the same,
0:08:44 > 0:08:48we shall have a boyfriend for Stevie's Come What You Wanted To Be When You Were Younger Party.
0:08:48 > 0:08:53So, call Major Sex and his friend Colonel Pot.
0:08:56 > 0:09:01If you have a boyfriend for Stevie's party, I shall fill my pants
0:09:01 > 0:09:05with custard and I shall do around 200 star jumps.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Darling, what are you going as?
0:09:08 > 0:09:13Well, when I was younger, I always wanted to be a piece of popcorn.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14No, let me explain. You see,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I loved the idea of bouncing... You'll understand.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I loved the idea of bouncing about in a saucepan with my friends
0:09:20 > 0:09:23and then turning in to something beautiful, you know.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28What's happening?
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Are you having a stroke?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Erm....
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Hello again, Michael Jackford.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Hello.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49I'm just doing my, er, police exercises, er,
0:09:49 > 0:09:54policercise which, er, IS a thing we do, the police.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57The pigs, the filth. I'm a big old filthy pig.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03No, I am a Special Constable, er, volunteer police.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Oh, wow!
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Yes, so that colleague who's leaving, I needed a gift
0:10:07 > 0:10:09and when you mentioned the shop I, er...
0:10:09 > 0:10:11but you're busy so don't worry.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12See you.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17No! That totally was a thing.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- That was a thing? - He didn't come in here to buy.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21He came because it was a thing.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Well, stop saying it's a thing because if I know it's a thing I won't cope.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26It's a thing, it's a thing!
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Hi again.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29'Ello 'ello and good moaning.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I thought I'd find that gift, actually.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Sure, yes, we have nick-nacks, nickety-nacks,
0:10:36 > 0:10:40nick-nackery-noo and all manner of nicky-nacky-noodles.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- Flirt. Be open. - Be open, be open.- Yeah.- Oh!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Um, I'm making a bit of a meal out of this.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I'm sitting on something pointy.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57I wondered if you wanted to go out tonight?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59First date in years.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02She's desperate.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Work are sending me on a local job. I mean, it's usually am-dram or something,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10but it'd be nice to have company and maybe dinner?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Shall I pick you up at 6.30?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Great. (OK, see you later.)
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Hello, Things Analysis? Yes, that was a thing.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22We need a date summit immediately. Focus or it'll go tits up.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Ooh! Sounds positive.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29For to feel good inwardly, feel good outwardly.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- "Feel good outwardly?" - Now, next item on my agenda.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- PENNY:- Gaol for anyone sporting a tattoo!
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Hi! Come join, I'm holding a summit.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Miranda's got a date.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Alleluia!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Sorry, confused.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45A man who's already spent time with you wants to see you again?
0:11:45 > 0:11:46- Yeah.- Oh, whoa-zone layers!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Right, conversational tips. This year's laugh...
0:11:51 > 0:11:56- Oh, no.- ..is based on the song Price Tag by Jessica J.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00# Don't need your money, money, money
0:12:00 > 0:12:02# Forget about the price tag
0:12:02 > 0:12:05# Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha
0:12:05 > 0:12:07# Ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha. #
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- Right, um, next item. Anecdote.- OK.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Yes, an amusing story, show you've had life experiences.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Oh, no, I've got this one covered. This is amusing.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21One time, I got a phone call, someone said, "Miranda?"
0:12:21 > 0:12:25I said, "Yes." He said, "We've got your curtains."
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I thought, "Weird, what curtains?"
0:12:28 > 0:12:31It was a wrong number.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34They weren't MY curtains!
0:12:38 > 0:12:41They were someone else's curtains!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- Hey, babe.- Oh, hi, babe!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- Hey.- Are you all right?- Yeah.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Oh, well that's too long.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Have a breadstick. Come on. There you go.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- So, what are we on? - Well, we're all on chairs but...
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- We're discussing...- Gary and I...
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- Oh, well, back to you. - ..are going on a hotel break.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Oh, well, tell us all about it.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Well, it's at a spa hotel...- Great!
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Oh, heavy!
0:13:15 > 0:13:19So, um, no, we're just discussing, Rose, it's not important
0:13:19 > 0:13:21but I've got a date, yeah.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Sorry, what's his name? Michael. Miranda and Michael.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Ooh! They'll call us Miracheal!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Miracle!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- ALL:- Oooh!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Now what are you going to wear?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40ALL: It's all about the look.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Oh! Well I'm not going shopping. Terrified of it.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46- Why don't you take Rose with you to hold your hand? - I would love that.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Well, I'd love that...
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Right, come on then, quick sticks!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- Great.- Great, no, that's lovely.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54See you later.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- Oh, hiya! Hi!- Hi!
0:13:59 > 0:14:00You all right? Yeah.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Stevie, I don't like it.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03I mean it's so dark and loud.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Is it a shop or a disco? It's like a discop.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- No we're too old. - Well, we can do this.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- Don't show us up in front of Rose.- Right.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Hey, Rose, Rose, do you like my new boyfriend?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Oh! Oh, it's real! Sorry. Ooh, smashing can we touch?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Inappropriate, sorry. OK...
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Shop 'n bop!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Oh, Miranda. Perfect!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Knock him dead with a little black dress.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Great idea. I'll get you some Spanx, we'll suck all this in.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Might need full body ones. - (My personal space!)
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Stevie. I need a bigger size!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Is that the dress? Perfect.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Oh, no. Why you? Cover yourself up.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56That was the dress.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57What are you doing?
0:14:57 > 0:15:02I am just modelling because, you know, I mean, not all of us can.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03You... Pft!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05But you know when you're buff.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11Someone has left their bag and a clown outfit in the dressing room.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Those are mine! Right, sorry but that is it.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Stop the music, thank you.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20And can you stop bopping, we're shopping, not bopping.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Thank you very much. And this is not a clown outfit.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27It may look big but that's because it's worn by the type of woman
0:15:27 > 0:15:30who sports something you may not have heard of called flesh.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34That's flesh. Because we like something called cake.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Cake. You should try it.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40And if you're young enough for lucky metabolisms, it won't last!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Right, can everyone just leave, please?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46If you're heavy enough to make the automatic doors open.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Huddle together, jump as one.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Just one last thing, please. Cashier number four, please.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Always wanted to do that.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Why did you put henna on?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I got the wrong bottle I thought it was moustache bleach.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Put this on.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Well, how is that going to help?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Oh, these Spanx are really hot.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Well, open the door.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Well, this is a good look, isn't it?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17At least they hold in the wobbly bobbly fleshy bits.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19GASPS
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Hi!
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Sorry, bit early.- No, no, no,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I was just trying on a, err... This is a wetsuit
0:16:26 > 0:16:30because I am a scuba diver.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Call me quirky!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I'll be with you in a tickety mondo, Mike.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Cringe walk!
0:16:43 > 0:16:44I had this on!
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- Oh, here?- There's bound to be some ghastly posho who wants to ban
0:16:50 > 0:16:52hoodies from Waitrose.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Why don't I wait next door?
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Be a shame...for me.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Besides, my new boss is here, you'll help me impress him.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Michael. Hi.- Hi. Miranda, this is Zavier, my boss.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06Hi. I'm afraid we were just on the PM's attitude to economic growth.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08And don't get me started on inflation.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15People forget the macro implications of diverting resources from productivity.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Diverting resources from productivity, yeah.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Just repeat sounds like you understand.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23There will be another GDP downturn.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Another GDP downturn, yeah.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Must just point Percy at the porcelain.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Must just point Percy at the porcelain.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Sorry! No.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37What are you doing here?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39On my date!
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- Don't say you're my mother. - Don't say you're my daughter. - BOTH: Worse for me!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- You OK? - BOTH: Hi.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I'm Penny, I'm running for council.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Of course, hello. This is Miranda.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Hello, very nice to meet you.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Is this your girlfriend?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Well, er, date.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Well, I've only just met Miranda
0:18:01 > 0:18:04but my guess is she has great child bearing hips.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09And in the right wedding dress wouldn't look like a transvestite.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- I can also say...- Do you have to?
0:18:11 > 0:18:15..I'd imagine that she's highly inexperienced
0:18:15 > 0:18:17but would be most satisfactory once you've bedded her in.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Now, Penny, is it wise to have your daughter in such...?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Oh, you have a daughter?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Oh, she's defo pants not here!
0:18:29 > 0:18:32And what does she think about your foray into politics?
0:18:32 > 0:18:33I imagine she's thrilled.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I imagine she's mortified but then nothing's new.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Her earliest memory was her parents playing Naked Cluedo.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41No-one wants to see their father's Professor Plums.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Zavier, you're looking very well by the way.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Been on holiday, diving trip.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Oh, Miranda scuba dives. - BOTH: Does she?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Yes.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Where do you normally dive?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00In the sea.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- Normally in the sea.- Seychelles?
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Shells.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I know where I recognise you from.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14I was shopping with my son earlier, you're that lingerie model,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- BOTH: Is she?- Yes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18So, Penny, I gather you're keen on more police on the beat?
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Oh, Miranda would have an opinion on that. She volunteers as a Special Constable.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- BOTH: Does she?- Yes.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Wow! Impressive.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28So, in light of the cuts, what do you think should happen with the police?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Yes, what would the police say?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33They'd probably say, "Every breath you take, every move you make,
0:19:33 > 0:19:35"I'll be watching you."
0:19:35 > 0:19:36BOTH: Don't sing.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38# Oh, can't you see
0:19:38 > 0:19:40# You belong to me
0:19:40 > 0:19:43# My poor heart aches... #
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Stop there, stop there.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48# Since you've been gone I've been lost without a trace... #
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Everybody!
0:19:49 > 0:19:52# I dream at night I can only see your face
0:19:52 > 0:19:54# I look around... #
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Join in!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57# It's you I can't replace
0:19:57 > 0:19:59# I feel so cold and I long for... #
0:19:59 > 0:20:00You're not joining?
0:20:00 > 0:20:05# I just keep crying, baby, baby please. #
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Had to get to that bit!
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Thank you.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Don't worry, Mike, about the dinner.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I appreciate it's hard to be in public with this.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Neigh, it's a sort of horsey!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26And your exit move was...?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Like that and then a kind of... (NEIGHS)
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Oh, dear.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33The thing is, Stevie, I really fancy him.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I know it's silly, I've only just met him,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38but I just have this hunch about him that he got me.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Oh, I'm sorry.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Stevie, have you checked your lottery ticket yet?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45All the numbers match.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- You've won the lottery! So... - I've won the lottery!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50SCREAMS
0:20:50 > 0:20:54I can buy a complete set of Sylvanian Families!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58No, surprise! No, surprise!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01You didn't win the lottery, it's just, oh, that's backfired.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Sylvanian Families?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I am going to get very short with you in a minute.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Already pretty short.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Oh, sorry, let's cheer with fancy dress,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17I'm desperate to try the fairy costume.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Oh! Well...
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Hello, Fairy Miranda.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26She's a bit flirty and sexy, isn't she?
0:21:26 > 0:21:31Oh, I've got wings. Not in a feminine hygiene way.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35In a sort of slutty moth, you know.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Ooh, wand, yeah, nice.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Hi! I can make your dreams and wishes come true.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Maybe, you will.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Nice dress.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50It's a fairy... What are you doing here?
0:21:50 > 0:21:55Yeah, last night WAS kind of weird, but, um, well something in me
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- needs to work you out. Call me Marple.- Marple.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Of all the detectives.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Plus...
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I really fancy you.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06So...
0:22:06 > 0:22:07How about tonight?
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Tonight your wishes might be granted. I shall dig out my little black dress.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Go, slutty moth! She's desperate.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Little black dress, eh?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- BOTH:- Got a second date! Got a second date!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Inadvertently played a blinder.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- BOTH:- Invertebrate... Too hard.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- BOTH:- Got a second date! Got a second date!
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I said I'd get that little black dress.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39How will I? Oh, I'm too scared to go back to those spindly,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41boppy shoppers.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- How will I? How? How?- Focus.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45I've got it!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47THEME MUSIC FROM THE BILL
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Move along, please. Can't bear a street dawdler.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57Pull over if you want to text. Don't ruin the adult face flow.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- Let's be having you. - Oi!
0:23:02 > 0:23:07No, no, no, no, no, Tax evasion is fine really.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- Monaco is such fun. - Constable Kong!
0:23:11 > 0:23:12What are you doing?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Need a black dress. Got a second date.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21Let PC Miranda deal with this thank you. Move aside please.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23You ARE causing a breach of the peace.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I will use my powers of arrest, though it suits me.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28You're under arrest, madam.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Good one. Where did you get your cozzies from? It's fun, isn't it?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I am arresting you on suspicion of impersonating a police officer.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35It's less fun now.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you fail...- Ooh!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Your truncheon doesn't squeak, if you pardon.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44..to mention when questioned something which you may later rely on in court.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Real arrest! I don't know if it's exciting or scary. Real gun!
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Scary!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Oh! Scary!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Though man in uniform's quite exciting.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57No, scary, it is scary cos it's all a bit... MUM!
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Mummy!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01So, you say this is a fancy dress outfit?
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Yeah, so we had a new range of fancy dress in my shop and, um...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Sorry, does this officer ever speak?
0:24:07 > 0:24:09The silent stare is quite off putting.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Are you going to suddenly shine a lamp in my face and I'll go,
0:24:12 > 0:24:15"You'll get nothing out of me, pig, I ain't saying nuffink!"
0:24:15 > 0:24:19I am acting as my daughter's counsel.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Mummy!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Officer, I plead to your hearts.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25This woman has a second date tonight.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28These don't get second dates.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Yes, thank you!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32She was frisked twice at Gatwick last year
0:24:32 > 0:24:35and still calls it a holiday romance.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Take pity, she needs to be done by about, shall we say,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40what I call four o'clock?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42We really do all call it four o'clock.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Look, just check these details are correct and sign.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Oh, good, we're filing quickly? And then bail?- Most likely.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Most likely? But she's never been arrested before.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52No criminal activity.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54That's not strictly true. You do have form.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Thank you very much.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58It's not a compliment, madam.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Go and get some teas, Davis.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Quote. "I feel confident as PC Miranda
0:25:05 > 0:25:07"and flirty as Fairy Miranda."
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I'll go and see if the Sergeant's available.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Darling, swap clothes with me.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20No. I'm not looking like an extra in Midsomer Murders.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- Just do it.- Fine.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I'll say it was me who was arrested to the sergeant.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Mum, you can't!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28At least you'll have an amusing story for your date.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30But if you're arrested, your political career is over.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Your love life is more important.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Oh, Mummy!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37This second date CAN'T go wrong.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Quick!
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Sarge, it was me what done it.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55You're wasting your breath, copper, I ain't yakking.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Go son, go!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Now, Sarge.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I wanna fag, I 'ave rights.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Such fun!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10To staying in and avoiding youth in bars.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13You look lovely.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I didn't get the dress but thank you.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19So, I've got an amusing story but how was your day?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Oh, had an argument before I left work.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Zavier wanted me to talk to the police about someone arrested for impersonating a police officer.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29I refused. I thought "Local nutter alert."
0:26:29 > 0:26:30What was your story?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34They weren't my curtains!
0:26:38 > 0:26:42So, Quirky.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Sorry. Couldn't resist.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01- So, questions, if I may? - Yes, Marple.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Oh, I'd hate you to think I'm a nutter after last night.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Madam, you're still under arrest for impersonating a police officer.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09YOU were the impersonator?
0:27:09 > 0:27:10And escaping custody.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Oh yeah, we did notice that you'd swapped places with your mother.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17That's your mother?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# Does he love me I wanna know
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# How can I tell... #
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Back to dreaming of my imaginary knight
0:27:26 > 0:27:29and what's Stevie's surprise face going to be?
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Hi, Quirky.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Popcorn?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I'm sorry I left last night.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36I'm kind of hoping there's an explanation?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39And I can't judge anyone on their mum.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Oh, please don't. Turns out my mother wanted to be Cher.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Such fun!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I certainly wouldn't want anyone judging me on my dad.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55That was the real you in the club that night, wasn't it?
0:27:55 > 0:27:56I thought so.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Oh, Gary, you haven't met. This is Mike, my..
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Boyfriend? Oh, I'm an idiot. Too soon.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04I had a hunch and thought, "Go for it." Sorry, back track.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07No, I'm also with hunch.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09This is Mike...
0:28:09 > 0:28:10MY BOYFRIEND!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Quick, surprise face! Take a photo.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Pinch me! Finally!
0:28:20 > 0:28:22BOTH: Miracle!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Wow! So are you happy?
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Yeah.
0:28:31 > 0:28:32# That's where it is
0:28:32 > 0:28:35# Oh-oh, it's in his kiss
0:28:35 > 0:28:36# That's where it is
0:28:52 > 0:28:56# Oh-oh-oh hug him
0:28:56 > 0:28:58# Squeeze him tight
0:28:58 > 0:29:02# Find out what you want to know
0:29:02 > 0:29:07# If it's love, if it really is
0:29:07 > 0:29:10# It's there, in his kiss
0:29:10 > 0:29:12# How 'bout the way he acts?
0:29:12 > 0:29:15# Oh, no, that's not the way... #
0:29:15 > 0:29:17Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd