0:00:02 > 0:00:03Well, bonjour to vous!
0:00:03 > 0:00:05That's the sort of sophisticated patter
0:00:05 > 0:00:08you'll get from a woman who's still got a boyfriend!
0:00:08 > 0:00:09AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Though elegance in the world of romance eludes me.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Oh, wow, look. A robin, lovely.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30But I'm proving myself a good lady-woman for Mike.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Pssst...
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Well, I don't want to lose him. He's great.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49But Operation Maintain Dignity
0:00:49 > 0:00:53means a suppressed silliness bursts out at inappropriate moments.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Now close your eyes.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Breathe...
0:00:58 > 0:00:59in...
0:01:01 > 0:01:03and out.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Relaxed.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Peaceful and calm.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08And open your...
0:01:08 > 0:01:10SHE SCREAMS
0:01:10 > 0:01:12WOMEN SCREAM
0:01:12 > 0:01:16But generally, I'm sophisticated girlfriend personified.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21I know this because, A - I now own a pashmina.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23And B - I've stopped giggling when people say "sausage."
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Can you sign these?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Oh, look at this place!
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Do you know, one night without Mike and the real you explodes.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Well, I'm not ready for him to know that I make fruit friends.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49And new Vegetapals.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Meet Mr Butternut.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Oh, hello to you!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55I don't want that to put him off.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57And what are you wearing?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01I happen to be sporting an elasticated culotte.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Because you're a PE teacher from 1987?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Cos I've got nothing else left to wear. Washing machine's broken.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Do you want a round of swing muffin?
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Of course.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Good luck!
0:02:14 > 0:02:15- Ooh!- Ooh!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- Hello?- Oh! It's Mike!
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Oh...
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Glee box set!
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Hide it!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Modern Art!- That's nice.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- Oh!- Fruit friends!- Fruit friends!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27My taxi was going past and I just, er...
0:02:29 > 0:02:31AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Oh, I've missed you! Oh!
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Well, I've... I've missed you too.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I just came to get a glimpse, really, I...
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I'll come down. Pass my pashmina.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41No.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44It's my chic look!
0:02:49 > 0:02:50What...?
0:02:50 > 0:02:51What's that?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53That is Stevie's.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Yeah, it's mine. Well, it's my friend's.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I'm looking after it while she's away, she didn't want to...
0:02:58 > 0:02:59leave him in a kennel.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Ooh!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- MIRANDA CHUCKLES - Do you want to play a game?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07I'm working.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Oh, come on. We could play "What cereal am I?"
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Or "Can we fit Stevie in a pillowcase?"
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Oh...
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Sorry.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Ooh!
0:03:20 > 0:03:23My pants have gone, er...northwards.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Ooh! Specifically, north-north-east.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Sorry.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Sorry.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Oh, this is a public space!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Sorry, but I washed these last pair of pants in the dishwasher,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40and it sort of melted them.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44It was resourceful!
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Ooh, dear, no...
0:03:45 > 0:03:46SHE LAUGHS
0:03:46 > 0:03:49It's getting really uncomfortable now, actually.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I'm going to have to take my pants off.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Oh!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Sorry, sir, I didn't see you and immediately think,
0:03:55 > 0:03:56"I must take my pants off."
0:03:56 > 0:03:59I'm not being lewd.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Do excuse me.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Excuse me.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Ooh!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07No, I'm not sure about this going-commando business.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- Ooh, no, that feels wrong. - I'm so sorry.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14I'm a culotte incident away from moonery. Careful!
0:04:18 > 0:04:21How you think you're fit for the adult world of relationships
0:04:21 > 0:04:22is beyond me.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26For that statement, I find myself begging your pardon.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29You're pretending to be someone you're not when you're with Mike,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31then one night without him, you're a child again,
0:04:31 > 0:04:35and the notion of not wearing pants is hilarious.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Just popping your maturity on the end of my flagpole.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41You're just jealous, Miss Singletypops!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I'm a functioning adult in a mature relationship.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Darling...
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I've got your bed sheets.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I ironed the Knight Rider duvet
0:04:49 > 0:04:51because David Hasselhoff was looking peculiar.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56All Penny does is sort out your life.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Excuse me, Little Miss Oompa Loompa.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I have a very busy life.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06I'm having work done on my kitchen. There are lunches, rotas...
0:05:06 > 0:05:08This week I'm on the rota rota for Rotary.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13I only did these because Miranda has to find a new plumber.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15It's just down 'ere, guvnor, mate, me friend, awright?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17D'you want a brew? 'Jestive?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20OK, love, let's just quickly seal this crack, shall we?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Right, I'm to have a mature, adult day about town,
0:05:29 > 0:05:31fully commando.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Actually, I'm beginning to enjoy the freedom now.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Oh, it's fabulous!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I've been pantless since...
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Don't say that.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I skinny-dipped with Christopher Plummer-ed-me-thrice.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Such fun!
0:05:47 > 0:05:48I'll never recover.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- Ooh! - MIRANDA GIGGLES
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Ooh, that's breezy!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59How do you negotiate the frozen food aisles?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Serious woman.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05MIRANDA GIGGLES
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I'm not wearing any pants. Enjoy your meatballs.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Hi, Gary. Hi, Rose.- Hey.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Where did you put the muslins, Papa Bear?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- What's going on? - Well, I was meant to be babysitting for Chris and Alison,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- but I've got this urgent loan application I've got to fill out. - Tell her.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22He's buying the restaurant!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Wow, that's so exciting, Gary!
0:06:24 > 0:06:25- Thank you.- Congrats, babe.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Thanks, darling.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28See you later.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30You're sure you can't help us, Gary?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Well, hello? Babysitter.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Ah, well, hello? Responsibility.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Hello, rude.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38We're... We're having a little bosom leakage.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Ooh, still breastfeeding.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Well, nothing beats mother's latte.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44So, good news...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Miranda's offered to baby-sit.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Oh!
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Well...
0:06:48 > 0:06:49We're desperate.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Er... It's only a couple of hours. It's a hospital appointment.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54She's got to have a scrape.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Ooh, right, OK.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Now, that's the kind of word you should mouth, all right?
0:06:58 > 0:06:59- MOUTHS:- "Scrape."
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- We want to try for another. - MIGHT try for another.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Only I can speak for my vagina. - Why?!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Why?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09# Why...Delilah...
0:07:09 > 0:07:11# Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-waah...#
0:07:11 > 0:07:13You're going to have fun with Auntie Miranda.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16We've booked a music session at the soft play centre.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19So, nappies, wipes, spare wipes, er... Mr Boo Boo.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20HE LAUGHS
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Now, come on, dumpling!
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Thank you. You're a lifesaver.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Ooh!
0:07:26 > 0:07:27- Nearly snogged there.- Yes.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Right, OK.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Sophisticated lady coming through.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Ooh! Madam!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36We're going to have fun, aren't we, little...
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Perhaps my pashmina's got stuck in...
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I think that it's stuck...
0:07:44 > 0:07:46ALL: # E-i-e-i-o...
0:07:46 > 0:07:49# It's nearly time to finish up
0:07:49 > 0:07:51# So on to the final round
0:07:51 > 0:07:53# She sings everything!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55# It's totally brilliant!
0:07:55 > 0:07:58# And on that farm he had a... #
0:07:58 > 0:08:00My turn? Er...
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Dolphin.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Out of the box.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04With a...
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Chhhhh...
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- here, and a... - SHE CLICKS - ..there...
0:08:07 > 0:08:08- Here a... - SHE WAILS
0:08:08 > 0:08:09..there a Chhhhh...
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- everywhere a... - SHE CLICKS
0:08:12 > 0:08:13SHE SUCKS IN AIR
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Chhhhh...Chhhhh...
0:08:16 > 0:08:20# Right, I think we'll end it there! #
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Move up, move up!
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Oh!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Ohh, me back's gone.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Oh, all right, OK! Kids backing up.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Oh, you stink!
0:08:35 > 0:08:39# Somebody looks a bit stuck. #
0:08:39 > 0:08:41This is the only way down.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43But my back. I can't and I'm scared.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44I'm sorry, I just...
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Ooh!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Ooh, my God!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Oh, my back!
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Oh!
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Yes, yes, I...
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Yes, I think we ought to be able to ease that.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01So, if you'd like to get down to your bra...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Bra and vest and pants, and then, um...
0:09:04 > 0:09:07I'll pop back in a moment.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14SHE HUMS STRIPTEASE TUNE
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- SHE GASPS - No pants!
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Yes, 20 mg of Voltarol should do the trick.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26And tell her that I'll speak to her when I've seen my patient.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Ohh, my!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Oh! Oh, right!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41You do need the paper on the couch.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I presumed it was there for origami.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Hence the origami pants-slash-nappy.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Has anyone ever done you a swan, or..?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53No, you're the first patient who's done origami.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Well, it's a happy day for us both, then, isn't it?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01So if you'd like to lie face-up on the couch, please?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- As the osteo said to the patient. - SHE GIGGLES
0:10:04 > 0:10:06No? OK.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Ooh!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Hello!
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Intimate, isn't it?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17We'll have to become engaged after this, sir.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Wig!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Wig!
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- And perhaps you'd like to lie on your side, please?- Yes.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Thank you.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Oooh!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Did we just consummate our engagement?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50So, just one final stretch, OK?
0:10:52 > 0:10:53SHE FARTS LOUDLY
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Oh, good day to you.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03One - why are you wearing your Where's Miranda outfit?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07And B - how was your mature day about town?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10One, I've only got this left to wear, washing machine is still broken.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14And B - I got stuck in a tunnel in a soft play centre, did my back in,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17went pantless to an osteopath where I farted and blew out a candle.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- I don't...- I know. I know.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23And instead of getting over it like a normal 30-something,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26with a glass of wine and a leaf through Tatler,
0:11:26 > 0:11:31last night, I got a felt-tip pen and decorated my breasts as Jedward.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Mike is going to realise I'm a nonsense and dump me.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Then, sire,
0:11:37 > 0:11:41I throw down the "It's Time To Grow Up And Do Without Mummy" gauntlet.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Well, sire, I pick up your gauntlet.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49With such verve and vigour, I smash it about your little tiny face.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Hey, Quirky!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52(Hi!)
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Listen, about tonight, I just had a call from Dad.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56He's really down, so I said I'd go out with him tonight.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57No worries.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Well, actually, he asked about finally meeting you.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Ooh, that's a step. I'm not sure if...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Gauntlet!- GAUNTLET!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Sorry.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10Yes, good, no. I would like to meet my boyfriend's father.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Bring him round, I'll cook.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Great!
0:12:13 > 0:12:14AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- Bit nervous. With previous girlfriends, there's always been a bit of a culling.- Culling?
0:12:18 > 0:12:19He's...
0:12:19 > 0:12:20He's particular.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Is he?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I've stitched your bra.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28# Bra, bra, bra, bra Barbara Ann... #
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Is how excited I am about tonight.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32See you later.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Sorry, Mother.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Sorry.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40It's just, I am with gauntlet,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43and from now on, I take all adult tasks on.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47For tonight, I cook for my boyfriend's father.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49BOTH: Sire!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51It's for Mike's father?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Er... Yeah, that's fine, that's fine.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Very happy not to get involved...
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Sire.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Bye, Miranda, live well.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Wine glasses, not tumblers, and use the crockery your aunt left you.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Penny! Go!
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- Which one's that?- The flowery one.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08No, which one's crockery? Plates or spoons?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Oh, help us all!
0:13:10 > 0:13:11- Bye, darling.- Bye, Mummy!
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Oh, it's for your own good!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19(Red wine - meat. White wine - fish. And if in doubt - Delia.)
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Oi!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23I knew you'd never do it.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25"Mature relationship"?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Oh... Well, now, I have had enough of this doubting,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Little Miss and Mrs Doubtfire.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Yeah?
0:13:33 > 0:13:37And tonight I shall have a couple's dinner party.
0:13:37 > 0:13:43And without your help, I shall have a soiree with home-cooked fare,
0:13:43 > 0:13:45and good crockery,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47which is plates.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50And there shall be Buble on the stereo,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52and I won't even laugh at the name Bubl...
0:13:54 > 0:13:56It's got "boob" in it!
0:13:58 > 0:14:03Stevie, if you manage to get a boyfriend by tonight, do come.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Right, ingredients.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Hello to you, alfalfa.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I thought you were a llama, but a hearty welcome.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Right, let's do this.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Can't be that hard!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- SOBBING:- It's really hard!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25At one point, I was told to skiffle carrots.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Skiffle?!
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Am I to play them a percussive instrument and dance for them?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31My carrots?
0:14:31 > 0:14:35I confused tsp with tbsp.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Trying to do a salmon terrine starter.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Who can strike clean a piece of cling film?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I was going to do crepe suzette for pudding, but, um...
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Penis pasta, what's that doing there?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00That's not fun to eat in your 30s.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I see only one option.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Sorry...
0:15:06 > 0:15:07SHE GASPS
0:15:07 > 0:15:09All hail! A terrine!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Even potatoes!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Why do we bother cooking?
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- Why?- I'm doing this fish pie for six, and they'll never know!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19# Praise M&S Putting food on our table
0:15:19 > 0:15:22# Cos cooking drives us crazy We're busy-slash-lazy
0:15:22 > 0:15:25# Other upmarket food stores are available! #
0:15:25 > 0:15:26- Lovely!- Thank you!
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Now go, ladies, go.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Decant in your own dishes and lie!
0:15:29 > 0:15:31SHE GIGGLES
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Who has caused me a wonky throw?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Now, are you sure you don't mind us babysitting?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- I'm really sorry, I just have to make it up to Chris and Alison. - Of course.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Can I pop the baby monitor here?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I'm not interfering.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47If I were, I'd say, "Dab that stain off your dress."
0:15:47 > 0:15:48I'm saying nothing.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Mother, this is soap, because I hand-washed it,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53and I've called the plumber back.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56I am an in-control adult with my cocktail sausages.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58SHE GIGGLES
0:15:58 > 0:15:59- DOORBELL RINGS - Ooh! Oh!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11This is my boyfriend, Norman.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13We've come for the dinner party.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16You have clearly just dragged a traffic warden off the street.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18No, no, we're seeing each other.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Get off me!
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Babe...
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- Come and help me settle him. - Yeah, yeah, sure.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Get this out!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- MIKE:- Yes, she bought the shop about four years ago...
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Bum bummery! They're here.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33OK, act normal, act normal.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35No, more natural. More natural. Just...
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Miranda!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40This is my father.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Well...
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Well...
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Very nice to meet you, Miranda.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Very nice to meet you too, Mr Jackford.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Call me Valerie.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Yeah, good one, call me Derek!
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- SHE GIGGLES - Dad's name is Valerie.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03What's your mum called, Dave?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Right! Um...
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Let me introduce you to my mother.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12For tonight you are a Valerie Singleton, if you...
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Dad, this is Penny.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Stevie, osteopath, he was the osteopath!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20No! MIRANDA GASPS
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Sir, um... Could I take your coat?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Sorry.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Lovely, and your keys?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Or shall I throw them in a bowl?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35VALERIE LAUGHS
0:17:35 > 0:17:37It's a joke!
0:17:37 > 0:17:38It's a joke!
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Sorry. Are you OK? - Yes, of course. Yes.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Now, do sit down, let me plump you a scatter cushion.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Help yourself to sausages.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Can I get you a warming glass o' rouge?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I'm so getting culled!
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Wig!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01ALL THREE: Wig! Wig!
0:18:06 > 0:18:07There you go.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Oh, thank you.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Now, do relax in my nibble and mingle zone.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- So... - THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:18:25 > 0:18:28He's just done an explosive poo right up to his armpits.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Well, on that note, I think I'll leave.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33VALERIE LAUGHS
0:18:33 > 0:18:34It was a joke, yeah!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37It was a joke.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I shat meself once.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Now, er, let me just sort out my dessert.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56I've got syphilis.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Physalis!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Physalis, the fruit, exotic fruit.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I have not got syphilis.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08VALERIE LAUGHS
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Laughter delay.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Now, you know what's for dessert,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15but for starter, we're having a smoked salmon terrine,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18and for main, we shall be having lamb.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20So, the terrines. I'll just get them out.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22And the terrines.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26It's a joke about getting your breasts out instead of the terrines.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28One for you.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Nothing.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38THEY ALL CHATTER
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Oh, thank you.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41HE CHINKS GLASS
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Shall we say grace?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- Oh, right.- Oh, yes. - Yes, of course, we always do.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Me?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Right...
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Um...
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Lord, um...
0:19:54 > 0:19:57We...thank you for...the music.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02The songs we're singing.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Um...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06We thank you for your bread of heaven.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Bread of heaven, feed me till I want no more.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12# Want no more! #
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Feed me till I want no more, so much,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18thank you very much to you God, please, amen.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Mmm!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Oh, delicious!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Mmm!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27And what did you use?
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Oh, um, well...skills...
0:20:28 > 0:20:30um, utensils...
0:20:30 > 0:20:33terrine mix, terrine powder.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I think I've got a bit of pants in my terrine.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39They'll be Miranda's. She had to wash them in the dishwasher.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Right, excuse me while I just check on my gravy.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53MIRANDA COUGHS LOUDLY
0:20:56 > 0:20:58BABY CRIES
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I'll go.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02So, are you thinking of having children, Miranda?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04All that dribbling and talking gibberish,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06you've got plenty in common.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08VALERIE LAUGHS
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Dad!
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Do you think you could do the laugh while you're making the joke?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21That way there won't be any false starts.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I think she'd make a great mum.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28Well, she's already got a (very weak) PELVIC FLOOR.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Such fun!
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Penny, why don't you tell us about the work you're having done?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Yes, what are you having done?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41The crow's feet I can see...
0:21:41 > 0:21:42On my kitchen.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45On my kitchen, you stupid old...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Shall we play a game, shall we?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50# Heads, shoulders knees and toes Knees and toes... #
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- That's a kids' game! - Yes! Ridiculous suggestion.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I mean, I prefer dinner party convo.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57So, um...
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Well, Norman, what do you do for a hobby?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03I like to let kittens feed from my beard.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Shall we play a game? I think we should play a game.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- Let's play a game. - What about the were game?
0:22:08 > 0:22:12You know, if you were going to be a were-animal for one night, like a werewolf, what animal would you be?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15What, like Valerie would be a were-toupee?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17ALL: # Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes... #
0:22:17 > 0:22:19My lamb looks OK, I've made a new gravy,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I'm clawing it back.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Ohh! Oh!
0:22:23 > 0:22:24My meat's gone mobile.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Oh, hot! Five-second rule.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Hot! Five-second rule.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Hot! Five-second rule.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Oh!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38What is going on?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40My meat's gone mobile.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Valerie thinks I'm insane.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- You're not helping. - Now, listen here.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46I like Mike, and you are more than good enough for him.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I do not like Valerie.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I will not be dictated to by Stevie the crazed leprechaun,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54and a man with a dead badger on his head.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- We stick together.- Oh, Mummy!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Help me with a new main course.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01- SHE GASPS - Mum!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04The microwave is about to go ping. I've put the M&S potatoes in there.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06What are you two up to in there?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08BOTH: Nothing!
0:23:08 > 0:23:09MICROWAVE BLEEPS
0:23:09 > 0:23:10THEY SCREAM
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Sorry, we thought we saw a, er...
0:23:13 > 0:23:14- Mouse.- Mouse!
0:23:14 > 0:23:15What?!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Really, babe?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Oh, you need to man up.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26I am so pleased my daughter's moved on to your lovely son, Vanessa.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31What do you mean, moved on?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34She's had a thing for Gary for years.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- It wasn't really a thing. - ..wasn't really a thing.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Well, was it a thing, or wasn't it a thing?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Well, if you can call a couple of dates...
0:23:40 > 0:23:41You dated?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Well, nothing ever really happened.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Oh, tell me about it! On, off, on, off...
0:23:49 > 0:23:51And do you still want it to be on?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54BOTH: No, no, no, no, no, no!
0:23:54 > 0:23:55No!
0:23:56 > 0:23:57BABY CRIES
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- STEVIE: I'll give you a hand. - Rose...
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- PENNY OVER MONITOR:- 'You are not doing Miranda any favours.'
0:24:09 > 0:24:11STEVIE: 'She's on a losing streak with that Valerie.'
0:24:11 > 0:24:16'Her first proper boyfriend, and the father's got the personality
0:24:16 > 0:24:17'of a self-service checkout.'
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- GARY:- 'Oh, and that wig! It's like roadkill!'
0:24:21 > 0:24:22- PENNY LAUGHS - 'Yes, well...
0:24:22 > 0:24:25'If Miranda gets desperate, we can always grill that!'
0:24:25 > 0:24:27THEY LAUGH
0:24:27 > 0:24:29LAUGHTER STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:24:29 > 0:24:31'This monitor's on, isn't it?'
0:24:46 > 0:24:48TRICKLING WATER
0:24:48 > 0:24:50BOTH: Brazen wee.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53TOILET FLUSHES
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Sir, can I get you a drink?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Would you like a tea, perhaps a camomile?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58She's got a redbush.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59The tea, the tea!
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Sorry, I was making crepe suzette earlier.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06(Sorry.)
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Right, son, I've had enough of this.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20I don't care to come to a so-called dinner party
0:25:20 > 0:25:24to be insulted by your girlfriend's freaky friends and dysfunctional family.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Excuse me, my functional is not disfamily.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29We are not fysdunctional.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Mr Jackford, I know I haven't portrayed myself well,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33but I am a capable woman.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Then why is foam rising throughout your kitchen?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Oh, no! I put Fairy Liquid in the dishwasher.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I am normal!
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Hello?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I'm only coming in if you don't wax my crack again, all right?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Is that penis pasta?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Right!
0:25:50 > 0:25:51That's it!
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I drop the gauntlet.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56For the last two days, I've tried to be a grown-up,
0:25:56 > 0:26:00but I have no interest in abiding by the adult rulebook.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I want to do fun things that make me happy,
0:26:03 > 0:26:07which by the way, for the record, include making Vegetapals.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Meet Mr Butternut.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12You might call me a child.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Good.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17For if adults had even the slightest in-the-moment joy of a child,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20then frankly, the world would be a better place.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Oh!
0:26:21 > 0:26:22And the terrine?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24M&S.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Well, I bet you're glad your "thing" with her is over now.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32No. Miranda's my best friend, Rose,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35and I'm not going to say what you want me to say,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37so if you can't handle that, then do you know what?
0:26:37 > 0:26:38It's over.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- AUDIENCE CHEERS - Fine!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43SHE MIMICS EASTENDERS CLOSING THEME
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Come on, Mike.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48No, I'm staying.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53These last two days, I've been worried that you weren't who I thought you were, because I was...
0:26:54 > 0:26:55falling in love with you.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00Your ridiculous sense of humour, and your...
0:27:00 > 0:27:04smile and the way you bring me out of my boring shell, and...
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Well, hearing what you just said...
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I realised I have fallen in love with you.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12I love you, Quirky.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Get off!
0:27:25 > 0:27:28And do you know what I really want to do?
0:27:28 > 0:27:29BOTH: Foam fight!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd