0:00:02 > 0:00:04Well, hello to you and thank you for welcoming me into your room.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07I don't mean this image of me on your screen,
0:00:07 > 0:00:09I mean, look behind you - I've crept in!
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Not really. At least one of you looked.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16The reason I'm cowering - I've had the worst week of my life.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Mum's been staying.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Not just that - she's been trapped inside with a bad back
0:00:21 > 0:00:23for five very long days.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28I even had to take her to the loo. I'll never recover.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31There should be a law against mothers wearing thongs.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Mike accepted a training course to get away.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I am at the plotting-her-death stage.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41BELL RINGS
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Oh, yes, and she's got a bell.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Once more unto the breach...
0:00:56 > 0:00:58And when I say fresh towel,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I don't mean Febrezed and flapped outside of the window.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09And have you got my magazines yet?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11And have you changed that bin liner?
0:01:11 > 0:01:12I'm doing, I'm doing it!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Oh, sorry about that.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Yes, dear?
0:01:20 > 0:01:24- Could you pass me the doobries? - Don't call them doobries.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26The remote control doobries.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28It's just remote control.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30You don't need to put doobries at the end.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37BANG
0:01:37 > 0:01:39What is it with mothers?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42You give birth, you instantly don't understand
0:01:42 > 0:01:44anything technical any more. Ridiculous.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48But you suddenly have a spare drawer of greeting cards, don't you?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Yes, and you walk in to a room to ask a question
0:01:50 > 0:01:53and then you just answer it yourself.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54I'm just here!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I'd like my sheets changed before I eat.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07PHONE RINGS AND THEY SCREAM
0:02:09 > 0:02:11What's that?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13It's your mobile. Every time!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Hello?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Hello?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Hello, darling. Are you on the homo phone?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Land line!
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Don't call it a homo phone.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Oh, the hotel phone.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39No, of course I haven't been a burden!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Yes, I wish I were there, too. Do you remember '68?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Me and belly dancing. Ha-ha!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Stop it, Sheikh Sexy!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- I'll have to use the safe word! - Urgh, no!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Not under my roof, young lady!
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Never do this with a man. This position does nothing for your chin.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Unacceptable sentence.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Now, is there anything else I can get you?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Like a killer blow to the face?
0:03:09 > 0:03:10What, who said that?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I'll have you know I have the right to be demanding.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14I earned that right the minute
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I pushed a ten-pound you through my clacker.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I can't apologise enough.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25You may think it's been hard for you...
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Yes, hello! Oh, bell!
0:03:28 > 0:03:31"Plump this, dust-bust that.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34"Oh, could you turn the TV up when the news is on?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36"Could you turn it down if they're left wing?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39"Can you please put the subtitles on Taggart?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41"I simply can't understand the accents.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47"Plunge the loo before I go, expunge the bath."
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Any activities ending in "unge" should be banned.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I am on an unge protest.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Although plunge is a lovely word.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Plunge.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Plunge.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Well, you try living with someone
0:04:03 > 0:04:05who farts every time she gets up from a chair...
0:04:07 > 0:04:12..uses oven gloves for slippers and wastes her life snack-fishing.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I've seen you try it. It is fun! Snack-fishing!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17What will I get?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Oh, a malt loaf!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Would you mind if I read my magazine in peace?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Ooh, a Bakewell!
0:04:52 > 0:04:53SHE CHUCKLES
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Stop pretending to be a geisha in your oven glove slippers.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Stop pretending to be Darcey Bussell.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44SHE GASPS
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh! I've seen something awful.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Your face - it must have been a terrible shock!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51SHE CACKLES
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Ha, nice one, Mummy!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Oh, no, it is there, it's a grey hair.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58It's my first grey hair.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03- What are you doing? - I'm colouring it in.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04This is all your fault.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07You've driven me to old age. I feel ill.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10May I remind you that I am the one with a severe muscle spasm?
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Yes, and whose fault is that?
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Every other year, I have won Ladies Latte Karate Pilates
0:06:15 > 0:06:16with no problem.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Oh, no, there's another one!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Oh, well, this is it, isn't it?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24This is the end. My youth is over.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I'm turning in to my what-I-call-mother.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31What a joyful day that will be for you.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Yes. No, I can't wait.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I can't wait to decide whether to go out or not
0:06:36 > 0:06:38by looking at the weather report.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Look outside - that's the weather!
0:06:41 > 0:06:46Oh. I hoped for ten years of following dreams, ten of going...
0:06:46 > 0:06:50tsk, "kids", and a good 20 years of cake-bakery,
0:06:50 > 0:06:55garden centres and "such fun" before the simmering racism creeps in.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Will you stop wallowing like an oversized walrus?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- Walruses are already oversized. - That's my point - you're massive.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Like you were the day I pushed you out through my...
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- Where are my reading glasses? - On your head.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Where, where are they? - On your head.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Those are my driving glasses.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Where are my reading glasses?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44On your head, on your head, on your head!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Oh, they're on my head. - On your head!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Such fun!
0:07:48 > 0:07:49NOT fun.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53You see, this is the kind of thing. I'm ageing with irritation.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Soon I'll be ironing napkins and texting in capitals.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01I mean, I don't mean to be dramatic but...I'm realising now that
0:08:01 > 0:08:05I'm entering my twilight years and I've never even really lived.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Thank you.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13All I think about now is death - mine and the potential joy of yours.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15What, who said that?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Do you ever think about the things you've never done with your life?
0:08:21 > 0:08:25I mean, I've never walked barefoot through Paris
0:08:25 > 0:08:27or showered under a waterfall.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30I've never been to a music festival.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31I think my greatest achievement
0:08:31 > 0:08:34was when I tied massive helium balloons to Stevie
0:08:34 > 0:08:36when she was asleep.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38She woke up on the ceiling!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Do you have regrets, Mum?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I should have gone on that barge holiday with Roger Moore.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51I only had three of the four members of the pop sensation Bucks Fizz.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58And I SHOULD have joined the dance troupe, Pan's People.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- You? Pan's People?- They said I gave one of the most sensual
0:09:01 > 0:09:03auditions in the group's history.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Now, look, will you stop having an existential crisis and smarten up?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Dr Gale will be here any minute.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Dr Gale's coming here?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Yes, so make yourself look more homely, less homeless.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18You look like a model for the Sue Ryder Foundation.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Dr Gale has gone private. Even more of a catch.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I'd like to remind you that I have a boyfriend now.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29But this is Dr Gale. He is...
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- BOTH:- Seriously hot!
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Right.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Febrezing!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43A bit of spray.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Ooh! Oh, that's stingy!
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Oh, it's hairspray!
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Oh, that's given me a little joie de vivre.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54No! Sorry.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Hello, Dr Foxy!
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Come in.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Sorry I'm late. Terrible traffic because of this music festival.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Sorry, Doctor, I hope it doesn't smell in here.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18We've been a bit cooped up so it might smell of breath or...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Let's leave it at breath.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22I'll crack open a window, shall I?
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Ooh, crack! Cheeky. Crack.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Plunge.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Plunge my crack. No!
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- So, how are we?- Oh, hello, Doctor.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39As I said on the phone, I think you'll benefit from an injection.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41If you can just manage to get on your front...
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Absolutely, yes.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49I meant the patient.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Sorry, Doctor. So silly of me!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57SHE GIGGLES
0:11:00 > 0:11:02SHE MOUTHS
0:11:02 > 0:11:04The injection will be in your bottom.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Very good. And that should have you up and moving about very soon.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Well, hello!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Hello!
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Ladies.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21So, what are you a doctor of...gorgeousity?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Do get in touch if it's not eased off by the morning.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Certainly will, ha-ha! Oh, sorry, snorted.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37ALL: What is wrong with us?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- Stop it!- BOTH:- Stop it!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Now, how's the patient?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46- Well, I...- Penny, c'est fini. I have an announcementington.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I have decided, X Factor-style pause-ios...
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Bear with.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56..to become a life coach!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Help us all!
0:12:00 > 0:12:03I mean, isn't that just pour moi? Totes perfectulant?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06No, that is just marvelo-drome.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I could life-coach you, Queen Kong.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- I don't need a life coach. - ALL: Yes, you do.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14- No, I don't.- ALL: Yes, you do.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Well, I can't afford it. - ALL: We'll pay.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- I have savings. - I'll lend you the money.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20I'll sell a kidney.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I'm not up to this abuse. I'm really not feeling very well.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25My headache's now been going on for five days.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29That could be something serious, actually. I'm going to Google it.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Oh, she's such a hypo.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Hey, Penny! How are you feeling?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Well, I've been flat on my...
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I've got cerebral venous thrombosis!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I'm not going to hospital.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I mean, if things aren't bad enough, they make you wear a gown
0:12:43 > 0:12:45with a what-I-call-arse-gap.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Gown, gown, gown, no gown there!
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Dr Gale's blood-pressure cuff!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Gary, you can do this.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55May I just remind you I'm the patient here?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57I've just had a prick in my bottom.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Right, I'm just going to pump it up. You may feel a swelling.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Oh, no! Is that the band tightening or my arm inflating?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10OK, I'm really freaking out now.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- Let's have a nice cup of tea, take your mind off it.- Good idea.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- Knock, knock.- Who's there?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- Dr... ALL:- Dr Who!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21GIGGLING
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Very good. Er, I-I stupidly left my blood pressure cuff.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Thank you.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Actually, whilst you're here, could you reassure me, would you mind?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43It's just that I think I've got, um, thrombosis.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46# I might die in your arms tonight
0:13:47 > 0:13:50# It must have been something you said
0:13:50 > 0:13:52# I just died in your arms tonight
0:13:52 > 0:13:54# Whoa, whoa, whoa! #
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Why don't you come and see me at the surgery in the morning?
0:13:57 > 0:13:58I may not last the night.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01This has got the beginning of Casualty all over it. Is this the end?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- I'll give you half an hour. - Half an hour to live?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I knew I was ill!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Someone take me to Disneyland, there's no time.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Have sex with me, Doctor. - No, no, no, no.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I mean, I'll give you a half an hour appointment in the morning.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16THEY LAUGH
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I thought you meant to live!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I am happy to maintain the offer of the sex.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Now look what you've done, I was in there!
0:14:29 > 0:14:32THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Girls! Girls!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37GIRLS! You're really scaring me.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39ALL: Sorry.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40ALL: Stop it!
0:14:40 > 0:14:43What am I doing? I'm the one with the boyfriend.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I'm going to ring Mike, tell him to come back.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48We'll start living our lives to the full, yeah.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Because I don't mean to be dramatic...
0:14:51 > 0:14:52That near-death experience
0:14:52 > 0:14:56has made me realise I've got to start living free from regrets!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Thank you.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Seriously, I've got to start doing all the things I've never done.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I'm going to... I'm going to play at Wembley with the Spice Girls.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Oh, be realistic.
0:15:07 > 0:15:12Nyurgh, ugh, ugh-ugh! OK, I'll dance under the stars...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Got it! I'm going to go to that music festival.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17What, you, going to...Beatz on the Green?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I'm going to make a change. Ooh!
0:15:19 > 0:15:23# I'm looking for the man but woman in the mirror
0:15:23 > 0:15:27# I'm asking him/her to change his/her ways
0:15:27 > 0:15:29# If you wanna make the world a better place
0:15:29 > 0:15:31# Take a look at yourself Ow! #
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Oh!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Rude.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40SHE GROANS
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Oh, I feel dreadful. Sweaty and achy.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I knew I was ill.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50This is meant to be the first day of the rest of my life.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I had a horrid night.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57I opened a window at one point and then, half an hour later,
0:15:57 > 0:15:58there was a cat on my head.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Fright of my life.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I rang the doctor's surgery,
0:16:04 > 0:16:06they said, "Stay away if you've got suspected flu."
0:16:06 > 0:16:11I said, "You're the ones spreading germs with your touch screen appointment systems."
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Touche.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Oh, look how limp-y I am.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Oh, I'm so limp-y, like a limpet,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22like Limpet Opek.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Darling, darling, do you remember the name of the...?
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Marjorie, that's it!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Look at Mummy!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36A night in her own bed and her swagger's back.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Mum, help, I'm ill.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40What is it this time, bubonic plague?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I left my glasses. Here they are. Must dash.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45I've had a life-coaching session from Tilly.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47You made me think about regrets,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50so Tilly is teaching me to maximise my Penny alive-time.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Thrilly bots!- Mum!
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Mum, wait.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Oh, chickening out of going to a music festival, are we?
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Not well, am I.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have time for this.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Some of us like to look at a picture of Heather Small in the morning,
0:17:05 > 0:17:06and hear her sing...
0:17:06 > 0:17:10# What have you done today to make you feel proud? #
0:17:10 > 0:17:12All best wishes, kind regards.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Stevie, wai... Oh!
0:17:16 > 0:17:18I could do a little weepy.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Where's my Midsomer Murders DVD?
0:17:25 > 0:17:26SHE GRUNTS
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Why are DVDs always so hard to open?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31So annoying!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I'm too limp to do the puncture with pen.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Where are the doobries? Oh, no.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Well, if you're not going,
0:17:42 > 0:17:47you can get up and help me with the new stock. Look - funny pig!
0:17:47 > 0:17:48IT SQUEAKS
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Funny little bunny.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52IT SQUEAKS
0:17:52 > 0:17:54And a funny little dog!
0:17:54 > 0:17:55IT SQUEAKS
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Why are you not finding these funny?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Because I'm ill.- Oh, nonsense!
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I'll get your usual breakfast -
0:18:04 > 0:18:08eggs, beans, muffins, bacon, sausage, bread, fried bread,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11er, toast, pancakes and a side of lasagne?
0:18:11 > 0:18:12No.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14No?! You are ill, aren't you?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Let me... Oh!
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Have you got a little wet wipe, just for the germs?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Oh, I'm sorry, we've got to get you better
0:18:22 > 0:18:24so you can start your new life.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I know. I had to ring Mike and say I was ill so not to come back.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Oh, Stevie, I want to be romanced!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Oh, the breath!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34But no-one's going to romance you looking like that.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I'm not being rude but you look like a fat, sweaty friar.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Saying I'm not being rude before that does not make it not rude.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Have you been romanced?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Hello! Hot fox!
0:18:45 > 0:18:49I mean, romance is easier for me, for I am blessed with the allure.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52With the allure, yes. You don't have monopoly on allure.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Oh, I do, because I am captain of the Allure Society.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Allure Society?
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Yes, those ordained with the allure meet and I take the minutes.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- I see you've never been invited. - Because it's imaginary.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Right, we'll get you sorted.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09I would give you a hug but you're literally riddled with bacteria
0:19:09 > 0:19:11and I'm not being rude, but you stink.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Well, I'm not being rude but you're a rancid Barbie!
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Oh, I know what will soothe - I'll sing for you.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Oh, no, that's fine really.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21# And now the end is near
0:19:21 > 0:19:25# And so I face the final curtain... #
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- That's inappropriate. - Of all songs!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Or what about...?
0:19:29 > 0:19:34# Edelweiss, you look happy to greet me... #
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- It's like a vocal hug, isn't it? - No, it's really not.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- # Edelweiss, edelweiss... # - Can you maybe just go?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Just go and sing it to Heather in the shop.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Yeah, it's better sort of further away.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Don't be silly, Stevie, she's being a hypo.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Come on, Queen Hypo-Congria,
0:19:51 > 0:19:52SHE GIGGLES
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Carpe diem - seize the carp!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- Oh, for goodness sake! - Urgh, you look disgusting!
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Like, truly horrendo! Like a drunk Princess Anne.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05You ARE ill!
0:20:05 > 0:20:08OK, life coaching.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- So...- No, I just need to sleep. - No, shush!
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Apparently it's all about a build-up of negativos emocionios, OK?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16So we need to emotionally and physically declutter.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- I've got a high temperature, I... - Wheelie bin that negativos, OK?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22We start emotionally. We could go with the obvious stufferoo -
0:20:22 > 0:20:25that you're a child trapped in the body of a woman,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28trapped in the body of a man, trapped in the body of a bigger woman,
0:20:28 > 0:20:29trapped in the body of a Kong!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32No, seriously, there's loads of you in there!
0:20:34 > 0:20:36This isn't really helping.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Oh, no, hush your Kong face!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I'm so fired up by this life coaching.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42It's right up my bridle path.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Now what?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Oh, I'm not here. I'm just going to sterilise all surfaces.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Just pretend I'm not here.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I think she'd rather jog it off, Stevie.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Jog it off?!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Jog it off?!
0:20:58 > 0:21:02I think, once the flat is sterile, you'll be able to relax.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04There's germs everywhere!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I'm going to tap your temperature away.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09How is this helping? How? How?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Now, I got you a sponge, cos my granny used to say
0:21:11 > 0:21:15you put a hot sponge in your mouth for fevers.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Now, Stevie, do you not think you might benefit a little from
0:21:18 > 0:21:20le coaching of le life?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Gary's had a sessione. I'm just sensing a cleanliness issue.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Of all the people who don't need life coaching,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I am she, all best wishes, kind regards.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Just text me if you need more Tilly inspiration. More...tinspiration!
0:21:37 > 0:21:38# I could have danced all night
0:21:38 > 0:21:41# Da-da da, da-da da!
0:21:41 > 0:21:44# And still have begged for more
0:21:44 > 0:21:46# Seven! #
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Now, come here.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Oh, this is nice.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- Mm.- Oh, thanks for the flowers.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Oh, actually, they're not for you.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02THEY'RE for Jacinta.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- Jacinta?- Jacinta, yeah.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- Jacinta?- Jacinta.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09- Who's Jacinta? - I met her last night.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- Oh.- Yeah, I've been feeling a bit down since Rose and I split up,
0:22:13 > 0:22:16and, I don't know, I just took on board what you said yesterday
0:22:16 > 0:22:17and went out and did something.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21I went to a ballroom dance class and have been up all night with Jacinta.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Jacinta.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Well, isn't that stick your face in a blender
0:22:25 > 0:22:28and punch yourself in the stomach marvellous?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Now, listen you - get better, OK?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37And, er, ooh, I'll just leave these here for you.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Oh, I don't want chilli chicken!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Well, hello. Kerchung!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Penny.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46If I'm not dreaming now, can you just knock me out?
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Tilly's encouraged me to purge my Pan's People regret
0:22:50 > 0:22:55by auditioning for the Shepperton Amateur Dramatics production of Chicago.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I am ripe for Velma. Five, six, seven, eight!
0:23:03 > 0:23:04SHE SCATS
0:23:04 > 0:23:06No-one should have to see this.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09By the way, Tilly says your negativity
0:23:09 > 0:23:11is a drain on my dance skills.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Also, am I really controlling?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Am I a neat freak?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18And am I bossy? Tilly says I'm bossy.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21And pushy. Am I pushy? Am I pushy? Miranda, am I pushy?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Miranda, am I a childish commitment-phobe?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28According to Tilly, searching for romance is like a detour from reality or something.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Apparently, I shouldn't be a life coach.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32That's ridiculous. This is my life's work.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36I trained for this for a whole weekend...in Shropshire.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I went to Shropshire.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41I still don't know where that is and I went there.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I just think your life should be pretty ship-shape if you want to be a life coach.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Will you please shut up!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55If you haven't noticed, I'm not very well actually, thank you,
0:23:55 > 0:23:57please, to you, thank you very much.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I'm spending the first day of the rest of my life in bed,
0:24:00 > 0:24:01calling remote controls "doobries",
0:24:01 > 0:24:05and, instead of helping, you're shouting and wearing leotards,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07and I hate you all.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Darling, do you want to come home with me? Please say no.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Well, I don't want to jinx it, but I feel better.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I THINK I'm OK.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23"Sorry we were so awful. Here if you need us. Love the gang."
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Aw! They were really sweet last night.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Gary made me a broth, which is just soup,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31but it's called broth if you're ill for some reason,
0:24:31 > 0:24:35and Stevie sang me a song of my choosing which was instrumental,
0:24:35 > 0:24:36so that went well, yeah.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38KNOCK AT DOOR
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I bought you some croissants and eggs done three ways,
0:24:41 > 0:24:43so you have a choice and some tea.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I didn't know whether you'd feel like anything.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Yeah, I'm still quite poorly.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52- Oh.- Erm...
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Would you like anything from Stevie's tray?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Well, as long as that's not a euphemism...
0:25:00 > 0:25:03..I think I'll have a croissant and...
0:25:03 > 0:25:04SHE COUGHS
0:25:04 > 0:25:06..some eggs.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- Which eggs would you...? - All of them.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12And Gary was asking if you might feel like any meals later.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Um, what would probably really help would be a curry with extra...
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- SHE SNEEZES - ..poppadoms.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Leaving you in peace.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26SHE CHUCKLES
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Well, I could go to the festival, but I think a bigger life regret
0:25:30 > 0:25:32would be not sponging off all my friends.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36And a music festival? I mean - terrifying.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39If nothing else, what would the facilities be like?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Oh, no, I'm going purse-lipped at the thought. No.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51I've had the best day of my life - ill but well.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52And I asked Gary for a trifle
0:25:52 > 0:25:55after the curry to ease my throat - brilliant!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58And then I said I needed some me time. So...
0:25:58 > 0:26:01RECORDING: Will you please welcome, live at Wembley...?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Miranda!
0:26:03 > 0:26:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:07 > 0:26:11I'd like to thank Michael Buble for being my warm-up,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14and will you now please welcome to the stage some very good friends -
0:26:14 > 0:26:16the Spice Girls?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Life size.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23MUSIC: "Wannabe" by Spice Girls
0:26:28 > 0:26:30And segue in to slow song.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33MUSIC: "2 Become 1" by Spice Girls
0:26:33 > 0:26:34SHE MOUTHS
0:26:40 > 0:26:43# Wanna make love to you, baby...
0:26:47 > 0:26:50# Wanna make love to you, baby... #
0:26:57 > 0:26:59You've been fine all day?
0:26:59 > 0:27:02We thought you had a brain tumour and called Dr Gale.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04I risked coming back here.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Risked? I'm not mad, am I, Sporty?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- She says no. - ALL:- So sorry, Doctor.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- Can I take you out to make up for it? - Oh, there's no need.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I think he'd rather go out with moi!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18You'd rather go out with me if anyone.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21If you had to choose one of us, then who would you...?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23ALL: Ooh! Doctor Gale!
0:27:24 > 0:27:25For goodness sake!
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Why can't anyone not go all Carry On Doctor with me?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Well, it's just cos you're so hot.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37- ALL:- Gary!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Stop it!
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Now, listen you, we had a surprise for you -
0:27:43 > 0:27:45a festival in your flat.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Yes, with a burger van and everything.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49- And a karaoke machine. - That sounds brilliant!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Well, tough teats! If you want to go to a music festival,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55you are going to have to go to an actual music festival.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58- No regrets, remember? - Or are you too scared?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00- ALL:- Hmm?
0:28:00 > 0:28:04No, I'm not scared. I'm...already drunk on da Beatz.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07SHE MOUTHS
0:28:10 > 0:28:12This is the best festival ever!
0:28:12 > 0:28:13SHE BLOWS WHISTLE
0:28:13 > 0:28:15THEY GROAN
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Oh, are you not very well?
0:28:18 > 0:28:21# Oh, je ne regrette rien! #
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Oh, it's like a vocal hug, isn't it, Stevie?
0:28:49 > 0:28:52# I'll tell you what I want What I really, really want
0:28:52 > 0:28:54# So tell me what you want What you really, really want
0:28:54 > 0:28:56# I wanna, I wanna, I wanna I wanna, I wanna
0:28:56 > 0:28:58# Really, really, really wanna zigazig, ah!
0:28:58 > 0:29:02# If you want to be my lover You gotta get with my friends
0:29:02 > 0:29:06# Make it last forever Friendship never ends
0:29:06 > 0:29:11# If you wanna be my lover You have got to give... #
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd