0:00:02 > 0:00:03Hello.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit down.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09I've been in hiding since I blurted out that I love Gary.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11I'm such a dweeby blurter.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13He just wants to be friends.
0:00:13 > 0:00:14I must duvet cocoon.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17LAUGHTER
0:00:17 > 0:00:19That's better.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23I was so down that Mum came to stay, and that just made it worse.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25- Is that the baddy or the goody? - Goody.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27He looks baddy.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Oh!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Of course, I saw him in Spooks.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Why can't the elderly ever just watch television?
0:00:33 > 0:00:34LAUGHTER
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Ooh, sex scene. Reminds me of Brighton '72.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40We played this amazing game of naked Twister...
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Unacceptable!
0:00:41 > 0:00:46So I'm home alone and coping fine.
0:00:46 > 0:00:54# On my own pretending he's beside me
0:00:54 > 0:01:01# All alone I walk with him till morning
0:01:01 > 0:01:03# I love him... #
0:01:05 > 0:01:11# But when the night is over, he is gone. #
0:01:11 > 0:01:12I'm fine.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16No, I'm fine, and I've now got a family to get over Gary.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21So this is Larry, Barry, Carrie, Harry, Glengarry,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24and this is Sheila.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25So...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Yeah, I'll be fine now.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32I did think about going away, but even the travel agent was stressy.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34We've got nice breaks in Lanzarote for two.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- Oh, it's for one.- For one?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Er...
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Ooh, Madeira.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42No, two sharing. Hefty...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- ..single supplement. - Single supplement!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Why? If anything, WE should be compensated
0:01:47 > 0:01:50for the amount of times we've had to send ourselves Valentines cards.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Not that I've done that.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53(I have done that.)
0:01:53 > 0:01:57And we use less linen, less shower gel and much more minibar.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Maybe if you used more shower gel, you'd be less single.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02HE LAUGHS
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Just trying to storm out.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Sticky hinge there.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Who needs relationships when kittens,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29the culinary phrase, "Pierce film lid,"
0:02:29 > 0:02:31and this bad boy are in the world?
0:02:31 > 0:02:32I give you...
0:02:32 > 0:02:34the cushioned lap tray.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Oh, yes. Cue titles.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Oh! What please caller is happening please thank you?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Thank you to you for asking please.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I have made an executive life decisione.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00In fact, go ahead, please, caller, thank you to you please.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01STEVIE CLEARS THROAT
0:03:01 > 0:03:05# What have you done today to make you feel proud? #
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Today, Heather, hello to you...
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I have begun a Gary-free life.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Happy in singleness.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Well, apologies, but we cannot hop aboard your life decisione.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18We still think you should talk to him.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Don't we? # Yes. #
0:03:19 > 0:03:20LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:23He's been busy on restaurant recces all week,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25neither of you has had the chance to really talk.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26I can't.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Well, ending on an administration note,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31please use the skip outside for this nonsense.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Morning, darling. Hello, Stevie, how are you?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- Well, I'm all...- Back to me.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I have an important announcement.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Your father and I...
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- I can't come. - You don't know what it is.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Already sounds awful.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45On Saturday morning, your father and I are having a ceremony.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Where's it going?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48To renew our vows!
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Even the notion!
0:03:49 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:52As I say, I can't come.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- Why not?- Well, I will be...
0:03:54 > 0:03:57washing the Queen's cheese.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Right, the timetable.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I've booked a dress fitting here in an hour,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06then you can help me write my vows.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07I'd rather deep fat fry my face.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09The florist is coming...
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Hola les peepsicles!
0:04:12 > 0:04:17Arretez immediatement what you are doing for the Tilly O'Clock News.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Dong!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:21We're just on me, Tilly, so...
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Dong!
0:04:23 > 0:04:27And the headlines tonight...
0:04:27 > 0:04:28I think I'm in love!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I'm on a cloud Nine-gella!
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Smashing, now back to me.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34No, no, Pen-pen, back to me.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37So I'm going to bring him over later for proper introductiones,
0:04:37 > 0:04:38and then we can talk about...
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- Talk about my vows ceremoniones. Back to me.- Back to me!
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Excuse me!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I am getting over a man who I've been in love with
0:04:45 > 0:04:46for the last 14 years,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49who if I saw I would literally die of embarrassment.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53And today is the beginning of my life as a committed spinster,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55so if anything, back to me-ioniones...
0:04:55 > 0:04:57thoth-oth-oth-th!
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Committed spinster? She's already one step away from being the...
0:05:01 > 0:05:02ALL: Local weirdo.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:06I am not weird.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08LAUGHTER
0:05:08 > 0:05:10ALL: Oh, no!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I'm going it alone. OK? I can manage.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17I'm fine.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:27OK, no, it's fine. I'm absolutely...
0:05:27 > 0:05:28If I just...
0:05:28 > 0:05:30LAUGHTER
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Sorry. I'll be fine.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34I'll be fine. Just...
0:05:37 > 0:05:38LAUGHTER
0:05:38 > 0:05:39No, that's, er...
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Don't help me. Don't help me.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I've got it now.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48LAUGHTER
0:05:48 > 0:05:49APPLAUSE
0:05:55 > 0:05:56SHE GASPS
0:05:56 > 0:05:58LAUGHTER
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Just tell the driver not to move off, please.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09You said you were going it alone.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10TILLY LAUGHS
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Tell him there's an inadvertent passenger in his load, please.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17THEY LAUGH
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Well, I really enjoyed the landfill site.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29MIRANDA GASPS
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Oh, isn't she fabulous?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I bet she's a cool, not weird spinster.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Look at her sort of swishing.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Ooh, I instantly want her to be my new best friend.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Yeah. Oh, hang on, I saw her first.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41No, but she's more my kind of person.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- Oh, wrong, because you... - BOTH: Ooh!
0:06:44 > 0:06:45BOTH: Yoo-hoo!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Would you mind putting some postcards in here
0:06:47 > 0:06:49to advertise my painting and designing?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51BOTH: OF course, yeah.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Ow!
0:06:57 > 0:06:58THEY LAUGH
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- Oh, they're stunning. - Oh, wow, you're so clever.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Oh, thank you.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Yeah, that was a view in Morocco,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06when I was living with a tribe for three months.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Oh, just living with a tribe for three months.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Oh, I had you pegged.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Don't touch her.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14LAUGHTER
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Creative, your own woman, travel, yeah, I identify.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19yeah, well, I try to be open, you know, go with the flow.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Hallelujah, sister.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Go with the flow.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24You, flow?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26She doesn't flow, I flo...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28LAUGHTER
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Yeah. No, I flow, you know, break conventions.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33I mean, last night,
0:07:33 > 0:07:37I had an After Eight at quarter past seven.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40We're of the same elk.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Not elk, that's a deer. Ilk.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Ilk. Yeah.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46So you've been single a lot?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Well, it's important to be a free spirit.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- Have you been to Morocco?- HAVE I?
0:07:51 > 0:07:52- Have you?- No.
0:07:53 > 0:07:59I don't swish like you, I sort of stress like a constipated meerkat.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Miranda.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Oh, Miranda. I'm meeting your mum.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I'm designing the dress for her ceremony.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08I'm Helena.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Helena, my new best friend.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12- I'm Stevie. I love you.- (OK...)
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Helena, I'm so sorry I'm late.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Bumped in to Bunty Lumley-Kendall.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23She's had the most wonderful what I call idea.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24It is an idea.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Tomorrow night at yours, Miranda, a Penny shower!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Ah! Such fun!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I'd rather be pecked to death by an angry blue tit.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Jennifer Truss-Funde is on eats.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38She's thrilled with the distraction,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40because she's in the throes of a personal summer.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43As in (ghastly) MENOPAUSE.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Now, I've nearly finished my vows. Listen to this bit.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50All I have on, I drop to the floor.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- TILLY:- Gang, gang!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I intro my beau.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Now! Now, now! Entree, entree, entree!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Surprise, surprise, what?
0:09:01 > 0:09:02APPLAUSE
0:09:02 > 0:09:04You and Ping Pong Charlie?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Totes amazeballs!
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Feeling Tipsy, La-la and Po.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11BOTH: Teletubbies!
0:09:11 > 0:09:12LAUGHTER
0:09:14 > 0:09:16And it's 100 percenter-tentacles
0:09:16 > 0:09:18not because the single pool is so teeny weeny.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Ahhh...
0:09:21 > 0:09:24By the by, it's Cucumber Charlie now.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Funny story. In the mess kitchen,
0:09:27 > 0:09:31stealing cucumber for illegal Pimmsy drinkus,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33chef comes in, cucumber down trousers,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36chef grabs, and the second time, he gets the cucumber!
0:09:36 > 0:09:37TILLY LAUGHS
0:09:37 > 0:09:39LAUGHTER
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Smashing. Now back to my vows.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- No, no. Wait, wait, wait. - How did this happen?- Yes!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45BOTH: In Cyprus.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Long story or short?
0:09:46 > 0:09:51BOTH: Short! CHARLIE: Sambuca, donkey, rumpy de pumpy!
0:09:51 > 0:09:52- Eee-awww!- Ooh!
0:09:52 > 0:09:53THEY LAUGH
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I'm loving it. Loving the loving.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03You don't need it, Miranda. You just embrace aloneness.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Yes. Correctomundomisinusacouscous.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07LAUGHTER
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I shall be a free spirit now.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Yeah, dine alone. That proved it for me.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Dine alone! I will accept that challenge, sister.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Yeah! I will swish through life now.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22This is me miming wearing a long skirt.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Yeah.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Ooh, it's gone a bit flamenco, hasn't it?
0:10:26 > 0:10:27SHE FARTS
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Ooh, sorry, sorry.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31No, sorry, that was just the stamp movement. Sorry.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Swishing and flowing...
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Hello. I've got a reservation. Miranda - table for one.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Oh, yes. Table for one!
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Ooh, can we keep a bit low key? Is that all right?
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Ooh!
0:10:49 > 0:10:50LAUGHTER
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Pick me, I come with cream or custard!
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Ooh!
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Sorry about that.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Thank you so much...
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Oh, right. Ooh!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04You sweep me up. That's always an unnerving moment, isn't it?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Good evening.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10(Feel a bit conspicuous.)
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Fake phone admin.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18LAUGHTER
0:11:18 > 0:11:20(Important person.)
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Oh, hi babe, are you stuck in traffic?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Yeah the modelling job went on a bit, did it? Yeah.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Boyfriend.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31PHONE RINGS
0:11:31 > 0:11:33LAUGHTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:37What can I get madam?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Madam would like a glass of Prosecco,
0:11:40 > 0:11:44and, er... ooh, I think the seafood medley.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Which I presume means...
0:11:46 > 0:11:49they'll be singing songs from the shows.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50LAUGHTER
0:11:50 > 0:11:51No, they don't.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54No, I know. 'Twas a little joke.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55MOUTHS
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Well, I wouldn't want to be seen by anyone,
0:12:00 > 0:12:04but madam's beginning to feel OK.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- Gary!- How you doing? - I'm good, how are you?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- Very well, thank you.- Good to see you!- This is lovely, isn't it?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Ooh! That's a hearty moustache.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- What are you doing? - I'm just hiding from someone.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Yes, but you can't stay here.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Just for one moment, my furry friend.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Ooh! It's a bit sudden but, er...
0:12:25 > 0:12:26OK, I do!
0:12:26 > 0:12:27CUSTOMERS APPLAUD
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Right.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Well...
0:12:34 > 0:12:36You HAVE to laugh about all this!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41It's really funny, no?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I think any minute now, you'll think,
0:12:44 > 0:12:48"How funny that she ruined the best moment of my life."
0:12:48 > 0:12:50So funny, isn't it?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55He finds it hilarious!
0:12:55 > 0:12:56OK!
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Now is it funny?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Is it funny? No.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Now?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Is it... I'll just go.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Er, where have you been all morning?
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Estate agents.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I have made an even bigger life decisione.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I'm going to sell the flat, Stevie.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- I'm going away.- What?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Well, I'm always going to bump into Gary, and it's always going to be too painful.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Are you serious?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27No, you won't really go away.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30You're all mouth and no trouser on the travel front.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Sometimes literally, if you remember Marbella '96?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Stevie, Stevie.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Belt stuck. Belt stuck on the travelator.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Stevie!
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Stevie!
0:13:46 > 0:13:48LAUGHTER
0:13:51 > 0:13:55- CHANTS: - I am going to Marbella! Marbella!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I am ready to sow some travelly oats. So...
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Look at my free spirit, yeah.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03What place springs to mind?
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Harpenden.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Harpenden?- Yes.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07You've got me all wrong.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09No, I can be a Helena.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10SHE GASPS
0:14:10 > 0:14:11I know!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Morocco!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Yes, Miranda in Morocco.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18They'll rename it Miracco.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:20I won't have to go to mum's vows.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Don't tell her I'm going. I won't tell anyone.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- SHE GASPS - Will you take the kittens?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- Of course, but are you really doing this?- Yeah.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I am out of here, Stevie.
0:14:28 > 0:14:34I shall maraca to Miracco. Yeah?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- CHANTS:- How is this, Harpenden?
0:14:37 > 0:14:38This...
0:14:38 > 0:14:40This, my friend...
0:14:40 > 0:14:42is exotic.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Nay, erotic.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Ah, three, four, five, six.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47LAUGHTER
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Well, it's less good with just the stick, but, er...
0:14:51 > 0:14:52I can rock it.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Percussion!
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- Ahh... - MOROCCAN MUSIC PLAYS - This is better.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Gary who?
0:15:02 > 0:15:03MUSIC STOPS
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Well, don't judge me.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06No, I know we've been here before,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09but you know how much I love a hotel room.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I just went to the bathroom.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14The loo roll had a pointy tip!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Is there a random spare pillow in the top of the cupboard?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Yes, there is!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Hotel slipper. Brilliant.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- KNOCK AT DOOR - Ooh...
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Although always too small and hard to walk in, the hotel slippers.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Friction-tastic.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- You ordered extra milk. - Yes, do come in, thank you.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40I always find it takes at least 20 what I call milklets
0:15:40 > 0:15:42to make a cup of tea.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44We've met before.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Yes.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Oh, well, nice to see you again...
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Jason.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52You are lovely.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53LAUGHTER
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Youthful, yet rugged.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Now I wanted...oh!
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Hi, yes, I wanted to order an early turn-down.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Thank you.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Oh, Jason!
0:16:11 > 0:16:13THEY SCREAM
0:16:15 > 0:16:16I knew it!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19You say you've gone abroad. You're at the Hamilton Lodge.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Gary's been looking for you.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Oh, no!- He says your phone's off.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- No!- I knew there was hope.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26You're coming back!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Get out of my duvet!
0:16:28 > 0:16:29LAUGHTER
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I want to duvet cocoon.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Oh, stop cocooning! I'm stuck!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36OK, well, hold still, and I'll mount out.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Turn-down service...
0:16:38 > 0:16:40LAUGHTER
0:16:40 > 0:16:41I'll come back.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43She was just mounting.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Don't say that.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46You're blocking my exit!
0:16:46 > 0:16:47OK, everything you're saying.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- Look, I'll go.- No, no, no. Stay, stay, stay. I think I can...- Ohh!
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- That's better.- No!
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Sorry. There we go.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Just, er...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Just turn me down, thank you.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59It's 11 o'clock in the mo...
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Oh!
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Wow!
0:17:01 > 0:17:02LAUGHTER
0:17:02 > 0:17:03You're a bit...
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Sorry.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Why do you even want a turn-down?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Why do I want a turn-down?!
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Because you slip in, roll over, there's a chocolate!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15She doesn't need a turn-down service.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Just turn me down.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17I might just go.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Turn me down!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21I'm going to start a new life...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23With Jason.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25MESSAGE TONE
0:17:26 > 0:17:27It's from Gary. He says,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30"If you're with Miranda, please tell her to come and talk."
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Right, you're not selling the flat or going anywhere
0:17:32 > 0:17:33without talking to him.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35You'd regret it.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36You're right.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Well...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40We'll always have room 24.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42LAUGHTER
0:17:42 > 0:17:46I could slip in to the turn-down.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48BOTH: Oh, dear.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51BOTH: We're cougars! THEY GROWL
0:17:51 > 0:17:52LAUGHTER
0:17:52 > 0:17:53BOTH: Sorry.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Sorry. We've let ourselves down.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56OK.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57So sorry. Quick!
0:18:02 > 0:18:03BOTH: Last look.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05LAUGHTER
0:18:05 > 0:18:06BOTH: Ohhh...
0:18:06 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Free stuff! Get free stuff! - Free stuff!- I want a sewing kit!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- No...- A tiny little... - I'm taking a kettle!
0:18:12 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Oh, hi!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Oh, I'm so relieved. I thought you'd gone away.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24So...
0:18:24 > 0:18:25I need to say...
0:18:27 > 0:18:28LAUGHTER
0:18:28 > 0:18:30What?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Oh, sorry.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I'll be in room 24. Phwoar!
0:18:34 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Miranda, please don't go away.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40I can't imagine you not being around,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43and I know I said just friends, but...
0:18:45 > 0:18:46- HE SIGHS - But what?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47But...
0:18:49 > 0:18:51You can't say any more, Gary.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52You don't have a but.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I mean, you have a physical butt.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Your physical butt is second to none.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Sorry. But, um...
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Well, you'll never man up for your emotional but.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02So...
0:19:02 > 0:19:05This lady has a-flown. She is a-sailing.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I swish now. That's a chair.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10(That's a chair.)
0:19:10 > 0:19:11I swish now.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12LAUGHTER
0:19:12 > 0:19:13APPLAUSE
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Right. Is that all of you?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Now, Stevie's taking me to the airport,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23and then she'll come and get you, OK?
0:19:23 > 0:19:24MIRANDA SIGHS
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Well, at least we had a great last round of our favourite game.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Where's Miranda..?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33'Unidentified item in the bagging area.'
0:19:34 > 0:19:36LAUGHTER
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Unidentified item. BOTH: Funny!
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Bye, flat.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I'm sorry I had to sell you, but I hope you have some lovely new owners.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46I'm talking to a flat.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48LAUGHTER
0:19:50 > 0:19:51AUDIENCE: Aww...
0:19:51 > 0:19:54'Please hold the handrail, and disembark safely.'
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Health and safety gone mad! It's just an escalator.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Ooh!
0:19:58 > 0:19:59BOTH: Surprising!
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Ooh!
0:20:02 > 0:20:05THEY HUM "LEAVING ON A JET PLANE"
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- MIRANDA SIGHS - Right, this is it.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I'll miss you so much.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13BOTH: Bye.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Why the zigzag when there's no-one here?
0:20:24 > 0:20:25LAUGHTER
0:20:28 > 0:20:29STEVIE SCREAMS
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- Is this your bag, madam? - Yes, is there a problem?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39It is now a suspicious package, madam.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Excuse me.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I do not have a suspicious package.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Well, it looks like a pretty suspicious package to us.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Well, if you don't pardon the euphemism,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48you're more likely to have a suspicious package.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50LAUGHTER
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Do you want to let the cat out of the bag?
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Open the case, please.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56AUDIENCE: Ahh...
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Someone needs to let the cat out of the bag...
0:21:01 > 0:21:02HE LAUGHS
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I'll need to report this.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Well, she obviously just got in there when I was packing.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Can't you put her in a taxi to my home? Because I've got to get a flight.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16I'd get in to trouble if I didn't let the cat out of the bag about letting the cat out of the bag.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- HE LAUGHS - You may not have noticed,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21but I didn't find the cat in the bag joke funny the first time.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Someone needs to let the cat out of the bag. - THEY LAUGH
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Terry, did you hear what I said?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Because she's got a cat in her bag.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Oh, yeah, look.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Someone needs to let the cat out of the bag.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32HE LAUGHS
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Someone needs to let the cat out of the bag.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35THEY LAUGH
0:21:35 > 0:21:38If I hear cat in the bag one more time, I will blow.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39I swear, I will blow!
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Ooh!
0:21:40 > 0:21:41LAUGHTER
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Oh!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Well, in some ways, this has ended how I'd like it.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Tena pads!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Oh, there you are, darling.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00You've just missed Pass the HRT Parcel.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05Now it's time for Pin the Tail on Carol Vorderman's rear of the year.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08STEVIE GASPS
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Oh, big one!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12What are you doing? I'm on an emotional rollercoaster here.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Sheila was in my bag.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15- STEVIE LAUGHS - Don't laugh.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Oh, Stevie, I was so ready to go.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- Grab the globe. Wherever it lands, you go.- Right.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22I bloody love Vorders!
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Ooh!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27BOTH: Wick?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Tippety top of Scotland.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31In the UK, can go by train.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35No suntan lotions, no bikinis, lots of batter.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Look up times, my petite amigo.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41With my body I honour you as often as you need a good honouring.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42THEY LAUGH
0:22:42 > 0:22:45There's one at 9:00am... But you'd miss the vows.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Book it, book it!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50BOOK IT!
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Right.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55This is it.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00SWELLING PIANO MELODY PLAYS
0:23:00 > 0:23:02MUSIC OVER HEADPHONES
0:23:13 > 0:23:17I'm sorry, but I'm leaving home and there was swelling music, so...
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Tyrone!
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Look what this woman done!
0:23:19 > 0:23:20LAUGHTER
0:23:20 > 0:23:24PIANO MUSIC RESUMES
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Wait!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I'm on the wrong train. I'm on the wrong bleeding train.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Wait!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- Ooh! - LAUGHTER
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Stevie told you.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59And I came straight away.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I've got something to say.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Oi! There she is.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Youths!- Youths?- Run!- Oh, Miranda, what have you done now?- Run!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- Wait for me!- Come on!
0:24:07 > 0:24:11They won't be able to run for long. Their trousers will trip them up.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Come on!
0:24:15 > 0:24:19And you were right, I needed to... Need to man up.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I'm just sorry it's taken me so long.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23So...
0:24:23 > 0:24:25When Stevie told me that you were leaving,
0:24:25 > 0:24:27I knew what I had to do.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I had to let you go.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- But...- There's a but.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Yeah, I'm manning up for my but.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Don't!
0:24:35 > 0:24:36But...
0:24:38 > 0:24:39I realised...
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I can't let you go.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Cos it's...it's always been you.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Nice but.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Are you sure, Gary? Cos I sculpt fruit and call them names.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55And when my breasts are bra-free, I can fit not just a pencil under them
0:24:55 > 0:24:57but both remote controls - it's where I keep them.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:25:01 > 0:25:03APPLAUSE
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Wow!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Was the remote control thing that sexy?
0:25:10 > 0:25:11GARY CHUCKLES
0:25:11 > 0:25:13No-one can match up to you.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15I love you.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:20 > 0:25:21What are you doing?
0:25:21 > 0:25:22- Bored of you already!- What..?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- I've got to go to the restaurant. - Oh!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- They're going to be back from the ceremony in like ten minutes.- OK.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- Er... - I'll change and come over.- OK.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34LAUGHTER
0:25:37 > 0:25:38I forgot to say...
0:25:40 > 0:25:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:45 > 0:25:47And we need the survey done as soon as possible.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- BOTH: Found it!- Oh!
0:25:49 > 0:25:51You?!
0:25:51 > 0:25:52You're buying the flat?
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Well, I'm sorry, but actually, it is no longer for sale.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57But we...
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Oh, sorry, it's not just you that's all loved-up.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04BOTH: Bye.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Listen, I've really, really... I've got to go.- OK.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- I'll just, er... I'll see you in a sec.- See you later.- OK.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:26:18 > 0:26:21MUSIC: "Together In Electric Dreams" By The Human League
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Hello.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Hi!
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Mmm!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- This is so weird.- I know!
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Shall we tell everyone?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Oh, let's just wait for a bit.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39I don't think I can.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Today? Everyone's here. I mean, let's just wait and then...
0:26:43 > 0:26:44What?
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Well, the thought of telling everyone and you froze.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48OK, I'm scared.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I think, can I meet your needs? Can I...
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Yeah, you see, I know that you think that I'm needy but I'm not actually.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55I am with you because...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58you never affirm, Gary.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00If a man says, "I love you,"
0:27:00 > 0:27:02then that's all she needs.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06I can't go for this if you're holding back.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10- GARY SIGHS - Just be patient, please, for me?
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Ooh!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17You've had more farewells than Cher.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18LAUGHTER
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Are you staying?
0:27:20 > 0:27:21I don't know.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22CHEERING
0:27:22 > 0:27:25That was quick, you're back!
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Oh! Darling!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Oh, there's someone here who'll be delighted. Where's he gone?
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Mike!
0:27:36 > 0:27:38What are you... are you back for good?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Well, that depends on...
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Well...a few weeks in Africa was enough for me to know.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Miranda...
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Will you marry me?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49MIRANDA GASPS
0:27:49 > 0:27:50What do you say?
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Well?
0:27:53 > 0:27:54What DO you say?
0:27:54 > 0:27:55What do YOU say?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Miranda?
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Er...
0:27:58 > 0:28:00OK.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Miranda...
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Will you marry me?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08THEY GASP
0:28:08 > 0:28:09You're just saying!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Just say yes!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:14 > 0:28:15To who?
0:28:15 > 0:28:17It doesn't matter!
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Miranda?
0:28:20 > 0:28:24PIANO MUSIC SWELLS
0:28:34 > 0:28:37ORCHESTRAL CRESCENDO
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd