0:00:05 > 0:00:12This programme contains strong language.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne, Micky Flanagan
0:00:43 > 0:00:46and Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Diane Morgan.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:54We start with a round called Headliners.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Here's a picture of Labour leader Ed Miliband
0:00:57 > 0:00:59and his brother in happier times.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01But what does "EMIT" stand for?
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Is it Evil Mannequins in Top Man?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07LAUGHTER
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Does it describe Ed's first year in office?
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Is it Elected, Married, Isolated, Terminated?
0:01:14 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Is it just what Ed's brain tells him to do when he's talking,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24"emit, emit, emit"?
0:01:24 > 0:01:28It's not simply, "Easy, Mate. I'm Ticklish"?
0:01:31 > 0:01:37Is it more street than that, is it, "Easy, Man. I's Tasty"?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Is it just, "Ed Miliband Is a Tosser"?
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Applauding the sentiment - or the hard-hitting nature -
0:01:53 > 0:01:57or applauding the existence of a publication in Britain
0:01:57 > 0:02:00that would run the headline, "Ed Miliband Is Tosser."
0:02:00 > 0:02:03This is the paper that tells it like it is.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Is it, "Ed Might Injure Troublemaker?"
0:02:08 > 0:02:12How about "Engineers Manufacture Imitation Tories"? Huh?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14How's that for satire?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Oh yeah! Feel the satire.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22What's wrong, Britain, too much truth for you?
0:02:22 > 0:02:27Equally, satirically, is it, "Ed Miliband is Tep Ladder"?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32We're doing call-backs to last week's show now?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Put away your crowbar,
0:02:35 > 0:02:39your time-travelling crowbar of comedy!
0:02:39 > 0:02:42"Ed Miliband In Trouble".
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Thank you very much.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50The answer I was looking for was "Ed Miliband In Trouble".
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Nine months into the job,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Labour leader Ed Miliband is struggling for support
0:02:55 > 0:02:57within his party and from Labour voters
0:02:57 > 0:03:00and there has been fresh scrutiny of his relationship with his brother.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02His brother's come out to defend him, though.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Their relationships are a bit frosty at the moment,
0:03:05 > 0:03:10but you're thinking, not as frosty as the Giggs brothers at the moment.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13At least Ed Miliband can defend himself by going,
0:03:13 > 0:03:17"Well, I've only shagged your career. I never touched your wife."
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Ed Miliband has demanded that David Miliband
0:03:26 > 0:03:28is permanently out of focus in photographs.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30LAUGHTER
0:03:30 > 0:03:34The Mail are trying to make more out of this sibling rivalry thing,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37which David has denied, by saying, "It's a soap opera
0:03:37 > 0:03:40"of which I want no part, and the public have no interest,"
0:03:40 > 0:03:45and then Ed went - (WHINEY VOICE).
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Then, David said, "I don't sound like that."
0:03:48 > 0:03:50(WHINEY VOICE) "I don't sound like that"!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52They didn't really help themselves.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53No, you're right.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Isn't it time for the mum to step in and sort this out?
0:03:57 > 0:04:02Say, "You can both be Prime Minister, but you've got to share!"
0:04:02 > 0:04:05I was talking to a friend, and I was saying,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07"I wonder what Ed Miliband is actually like."
0:04:07 > 0:04:11And they said, "You've met him." I thought, I have.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14That is what Ed Miliband is like.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I had to be prompted to remember that I had met the man.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Where did I meet him? On the Andrew Marr Show.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Me, Andrew Marr and Ed Miliband, all dork.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Could he have been hiding behind Andrew Marr's ears?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30You can't do that because they use those for the live feeds.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34You have to point towards different territories.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37As the satellites move, so does Marr's head.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40If he's surprised, the signal goes in Asia. "What?"
0:04:40 > 0:04:45What did David Miliband never have the opportunity to do?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47To give a victory speech.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50His victory speech he'd prepared for the Labour leadership election
0:04:50 > 0:04:54was leaked this week, and it was disappointingly gracious.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I felt, just once I'd like to see
0:04:56 > 0:05:00an election where somebody gives a speech where they go, "Boom!
0:05:00 > 0:05:03"I've done it! I've beat him. Oh, yeah!"
0:05:03 > 0:05:07If you're going to essentially have the opportunity to rewrite history,
0:05:07 > 0:05:08if you're going to leak a speech,
0:05:08 > 0:05:12then stick in a few things that make you look, nine months later,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15just I believe in a society where any woman from Newcastle
0:05:15 > 0:05:18could go to America and get a job on a talent show
0:05:18 > 0:05:22and not be sent back - how did he know that was going to happen?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25And where did he deliver the speech?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28He delivered it to his wife in the car on the way home.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32That must have been an exciting car journey.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35At some point in the drive home, I'm assuming she went,
0:05:35 > 0:05:39"David, excuse me. I've just got to deliberately set off the airbag."
0:05:39 > 0:05:41LAUGHTER
0:05:41 > 0:05:44In other news, who has Ed Miliband attacked this week?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46The workshy. He has.
0:05:46 > 0:05:52He wants the workshy to go to work, which I think is a terrible idea.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I believe the workshy should stay on the dole where they belong.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58If they're a bit of a drain on the economy, fine.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01As long as they're not at work, that's when there's problems.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05As long as they're on the dole, they're not losing luggage or derailing trains.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:09 > 0:06:12As somebody who spent years signing on and working,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I'm offended by that, to be honest.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Can you really get up the energy to be that offended?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I used to like the '80s. No-one cared in the '80's - did they?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22You went into the unemployment benefit office,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25people walking about with buckets and ladders, overalls,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28just getting the hump because the woman was taking so long,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31"Come on, love. We've all got to get back to work here, come on."
0:06:31 > 0:06:35It's like the good old days.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Which coalition reforms are in the spotlight this week?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43It's the NHS reforms.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46This is the whole idea that Cameron had said that basically
0:06:46 > 0:06:48there's a lot of waste in the NHS.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50You're thinking, "It's a massive organisation."
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Within that organisation,
0:06:52 > 0:06:56there's going to be a lot of people presumably sat around on their bum
0:06:56 > 0:07:00doing very little, but let's face it - a lot of them are very ill.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:06The biggest worry for me was when Cameron said he wanted to rid the NHS of imbalances.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09How will people get to hospital?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11LAUGHTER
0:07:11 > 0:07:15APPLAUSE
0:07:15 > 0:07:18It was strange - the plan was to hand control to the GPs,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20who only do a certain part of the work.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21The GPs didn't want this.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23They knew, you look after the NHS.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25"I don't know how the big machines work!"
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I just send the people to do the people who can do the big machine.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Aagh!
0:07:30 > 0:07:34The whole idea of the GP consortia, though, is basically
0:07:34 > 0:07:37so doctors not only have to decide what is the best treatment
0:07:37 > 0:07:41for you, it's also whether that treatment might be value for money.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44So each time you go and see your GP, they'll argue with themselves,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46as to what exactly they should be doing.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48It would be like going to see Gollum - you know,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52"Come in. Come in, nice man. But he wants the Precious.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57"Ooh, but he's not very well, no. Let him die.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00"Kill him. Kill him."
0:08:03 > 0:08:07The key thing they're trying to get rid of is the cost, isn't it? It's the cost of the NHS.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09You can do that with making no changes -
0:08:09 > 0:08:13all you've got to do really is get rid of the confidentiality of doctors.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16If you go to a GP and you know he's not going to be confidential,
0:08:16 > 0:08:21if he comes out and goes, "Here, have you seen Mr Smith? He's got piles the size of onions."
0:08:21 > 0:08:23You're never going to go to the doctor again.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26The whole system will pay for itself.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Have you been watching Embarrassing Illnesses?
0:08:28 > 0:08:32People are very happy to show off their weirdnesses.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35If they could do it in the waiting room. Look at that! Look at that!
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Seen one of them before? Shouldn't be there.
0:08:37 > 0:08:43I don't know what it's doing there. Look at that! That shouldn't be doing that.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46In other news, what's going on here?
0:08:46 > 0:08:52It's Boris Johnson saying, "Bloody hell. Who called the Child Support Agency?"
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Boris finally comes in useful as a battering ram.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03Is he saying, "To be honest, I thought the Olympic Village would be smarter."
0:09:03 > 0:09:07He said, "I will not have people keeping these bikes out
0:09:07 > 0:09:09"longer than they've paid for."
0:09:09 > 0:09:14It's like a new crap crime drama, isn't it? Toff Cop.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19It's like he's at a party going, "Is the toilet this way?"
0:09:21 > 0:09:24It's a policeman saying, "Look! It's the fat one from Little Britain."
0:09:24 > 0:09:27You know the drugs are good
0:09:27 > 0:09:31when you think that the Mayor of London has just come into your flat.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36The police are going in one direction, into the flat,
0:09:36 > 0:09:40while Boris is discreetly coming out of the flat.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"Well done. Keep it up there."
0:09:43 > 0:09:44He's in there. Get him! Quick!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Whew!
0:09:46 > 0:09:49What is a white cross on a green background on a policeman's helmet?
0:09:49 > 0:09:53It looks like if you squeeze his head, PlayDoh's going to come out.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58The guy was called Rambo, aged 48,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01and when he saw Boris Johnson, said the words:
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Which is a fair point, not to the police -
0:10:07 > 0:10:09"Oh, no, coppers - bloody hell!"
0:10:09 > 0:10:12He's the last person you should take on a raid
0:10:12 > 0:10:16because the idea of a raid is the secrecy, right,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19but he just constantly chunters - "Bom, bom, bom, bom."
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Waiting outside the door - "Could you just be quiet?" "Bom, bom, bom, bom."
0:10:22 > 0:10:25"Surprise is incredibly important." "Bom, bom, bom, bom."
0:10:25 > 0:10:29He's like a posh motorbike, "Bom, bom, bom, bom."
0:10:29 > 0:10:34It just doesn't work the whole... You see American crime movies
0:10:34 > 0:10:38where the Police Chief's going, "I've got the Mayor on my back about this."
0:10:38 > 0:10:39And behind him is Boris is going,
0:10:39 > 0:10:44"Flumety, flumety... flum, flum. Whiff-whaff, whiff-whaff..."
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I think, "What the fuck are you doing here?"
0:10:46 > 0:10:49is a perfectly reasonable response, during a raid on your house.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51It's a perfectly reasonable response
0:10:51 > 0:10:55for people who worked in the Mayor's office when he first turned up for work.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58OK.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03At the end of that round, the points go to Micky, Ed and Andy.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Now we play a round called The Apprentice: You're Funny.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13This game involves Micky, Diane and Chris.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15If you could make your way, please.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18This is a stand-up challenge. I launch a wheel of news.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Where it stops, one of our performers must step forward
0:11:21 > 0:11:24and talk about that subject. The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29Here we go! The first subject is school.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Who wants to come in with that? Diane.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36A lot of my friends are starting to have kids now,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39and it always amazes me the amount of effort
0:11:39 > 0:11:43that some parents put into choosing a school for their kids
0:11:43 > 0:11:45because when I was younger, my parents were like,
0:11:45 > 0:11:50"George Tomlinson's is a bit far away, isn't it?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53"She'll only have to cross one road if she goes to St Peter's.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57"That's settled, then. St Peter's it is.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59"Yeah, they've got high teenage pregnancies,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02"but she probably won't get knocked over."
0:12:04 > 0:12:07"Et momentum mori etwe."
0:12:07 > 0:12:11That was the Latin over the door at school. It means "Knocked up, but not knocked down".
0:12:11 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:16 > 0:12:20It's a rubbish school, my school, though. It's really rubbish.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25My domestic science class was about 45 minutes long,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29so they didn't have time to show us how to prepare and cook
0:12:29 > 0:12:32an apple pie from scratch.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36So, to save time, to cut corners, they said,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40"Bring in some ready-made pastry and a tin of apples."
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Ready-made, ready-made!
0:12:42 > 0:12:46All ready-made pastry and a tin of...
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I don't know why they just didn't have a class
0:12:49 > 0:12:51on how to buy an apple pie.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Thank you very much.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00OK. Let's spin the wheel again.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02The subject is technology. Chris.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05We really take technology for granted now.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07We live in an age of miracles,
0:13:07 > 0:13:11not that you would know this, because we take everything, just as it's owed to us.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Wireless... You've got wireless, right, in your house, yes?
0:13:15 > 0:13:20Some older people going, "Of course I've got a bloody wireless. How do I listen to The Archers?!
0:13:20 > 0:13:24"It's on permanently in case they declare war. I'm not getting caught out twice."
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Wi-fi... I mean wireless, fireless, right?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33When you first saw wireless fireless, you thought, "Look.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36"That is the science fiction of my childhood available to me
0:13:36 > 0:13:40"in my adult years. Thank you, oh, providential universe
0:13:40 > 0:13:43"to be alive at a time such as this is a privilege!"
0:13:43 > 0:13:48And now within half an hour you're going, "Work, you bastard!"
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Half an hour is the time between miracle and basic human rights.
0:13:53 > 0:13:59We're pathetic. You can be sat in your front room watching Hole In The Wall,
0:13:59 > 0:14:04with your laptop where every piece of information you could possibly want in the universe is available
0:14:04 > 0:14:07to be beamed through the dust of your sitting room
0:14:07 > 0:14:09to right in front of your chops.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11That is a bona fide miracle.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16It goes down for 40 seconds, and we go, "Oh, my God!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19"This is like living in a third-world country.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22"I wish I was dead!"
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Well done, Chris. Thank you.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30That leaves us with Micky. Let's see what you've been left with.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36And the topic is fashion.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38OK, Micky.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Bound to be, wasn't it?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I've returned to the vest.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45It happened a couple of years ago.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I was walking through Mark's to get me pants.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49You always go back to Mark's.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51They know. They look at you...
0:14:51 > 0:14:53They go... "You've come back.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57"You went to Next, didn't you? You got flash."
0:14:57 > 0:14:59And I saw the vests.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04I saw the vests, packet of singlet vests, I thought, "I'm having them."
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I put them in my basket. I covered them over like pornography.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12I got to the counter, I said to the woman, "Get them in the bag, love."
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I got home. I shook one of these vests out.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19I put it on. I thought, "That is the answer."
0:15:19 > 0:15:24The wife come home, she said, "What's all this with the vests?" I said, "I like them.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27"I've returned to the vest," She said, "I don't mind, but only indoors."
0:15:27 > 0:15:31For a couple of years I've worn the vest sort of in secret.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34But the other day I'd had a couple of cans of beer,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37and I wanted a couple more, so I got up to go out,
0:15:37 > 0:15:41and my wife said, "Da, da, da...the vest."
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I said, "No more!
0:15:43 > 0:15:46"I refuse to live a lie!
0:15:46 > 0:15:50"I'm standing up for vest wearers all over the world."
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I marched off down the offy.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I got two cans of Stella Artois.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Put one in my back pocket,
0:15:58 > 0:16:03cracked the other open, and I walked back from the offy in my vest.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I made a discovery.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10You drink a can of Stella and wear a vest, you get a bit of space.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Well done, there. Points to Micky Flanagan.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27This round is If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Six categories on the board.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Diane, which category would you like? America. OK.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34OK, your category is America.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38The answer is, "Around 24,000". What is the question?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Is it, how many pictures of Pippa Middleton's arse
0:16:41 > 0:16:44were in the News Of The World today?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48How many people have to be in a Post Office before they open a second cashier?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51LAUGHTER
0:16:51 > 0:16:54How many perfectly normal children's names are there
0:16:54 > 0:16:59that Gwyneth Paltrow seems to be completely unaware of?
0:16:59 > 0:17:05Is it how many monkeys were shaved to provide Rooney's... hair transplant?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08APPLAUSE
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I like the way, as a bald man,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14you can't even say the word "hair transplant".
0:17:14 > 0:17:17It's a betrayal of you and everything you stand for.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Is it the number of Fathers' Day cards
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Ryan Giggs is going to receive?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:26 > 0:17:32Is it how many salads can you buy for the price of one in Berlin Aldi?
0:17:32 > 0:17:33LAUGHTER
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Is it what ticket number would make you think,
0:17:38 > 0:17:42"Do you know, I think I might come back to this deli counter tomorrow"?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:47 > 0:17:52Is it how many missed calls Simon Cowell has from Cheryl Cole?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53APPLAUSE
0:17:55 > 0:17:58How many Olympic tickets did you have to apply for
0:17:58 > 0:18:01to get row Z for the synchronised swimming?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03LAUGHTER
0:18:03 > 0:18:07How many times could I punch Piers Morgan in the face
0:18:07 > 0:18:08before it stopped being fun
0:18:08 > 0:18:11and I continued to do it out of a sense of duty?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Is it the number of times I say, "What a load of old bollocks!"
0:18:20 > 0:18:23when my wife is watching Lark Rise To Candleford?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25LAUGHTER
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Do you want a clue? It's about Alaska.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34Is it how many pages of e-mails have they released from Sarah Palin?
0:18:34 > 0:18:39Very good. Thank you very much, Ed Byrne.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43The question I was looking for was how many pages of Sarah Palin's e-mails were released this week?
0:18:43 > 0:18:47This is the news that 24,199 pages of e-mails
0:18:47 > 0:18:51have been released by the Alaska Governor's Office under freedom of information laws.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55They date from 2006, when Palin was the state's first female governor,
0:18:55 > 0:18:59to 2008, when John McCain named her as his running mate for the White House.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01What did they reveal?
0:19:01 > 0:19:06Quite a lot of them said, "Do you want to buy a Kindle for Father's Day?"
0:19:06 > 0:19:10They're quite boring, actually. There are e-mails about her frustration with journalists
0:19:10 > 0:19:13who keep asking her whether she believes
0:19:13 > 0:19:16that dinosaurs co-existed with people.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19All she really needs to do is show them picture of herself
0:19:19 > 0:19:22standing next to John McCain and go, "Yes".
0:19:22 > 0:19:25The e-mails show she's got little grasp of history.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28You'd think Sarah Palin would not work in this country, would you?
0:19:28 > 0:19:34Basically, the rednecks seem to like her because she's quite fit with no grasp of what happened in the past.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37It would be like us electing, as the next Prime Minister,
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Kelly Brook, and forgiving her when she said
0:19:41 > 0:19:43the reason that Churchill was the greatest ever Briton
0:19:43 > 0:19:49was because he provided this country with cheap car insurance.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52AS CHURCHILL: Are you paying too much for your car insurance?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54LAUGHTER
0:19:54 > 0:19:57She's unbelievably dull in her private utterances.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02This was stuff they had to fight to get. They're really dull.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05As opposed to what she publicly does,
0:20:05 > 0:20:10like, for example, sitting on a couch covered in a dead bear.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12This is stuff she does willingly.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15She only hides the really boring things.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17The bear's only there to keep the crab away.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21She hasn't noticed that crab. Nature in balance. The bear and the crab -
0:20:21 > 0:20:27natural predators to each other. Just circling each other constantly. The two of them trapped.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29She seems to have a secret cloud-base.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36That looks like the start of one of the weirdest porn movies you'll watch in your life.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Isn't it a lot, though?
0:20:38 > 0:20:4124,000? This is in 21 months, so that's just over 1,000 a month,
0:20:41 > 0:20:46which is just over 50 a day, which is about six an hour.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Welcome to Maths With Hugh.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53She's sending six quite big e-mails every hour. Is that a lot?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55How does she find time to govern anything?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57It's Alaska. The bears do most of it.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04That's why they have to arm them. There's the right to arm bears in Alaska.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07In other news, how have exam boards let down students this week?
0:21:07 > 0:21:12Poor students. By asking questions that are unanswerable. In what manner were they unanswerable?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16They didn't have enough information. There were mistakes on the paper.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20On one of the sports science papers was a really tough one. It said, name.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23APPLAUSE
0:21:23 > 0:21:27They're saying, "This is an impossible maths exam." Rubbish.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30You only know a maths exam is impossible if you hear a voice going...
0:21:30 > 0:21:35AS STEPHEN HAWKING: "This is bullshit, I'm leaving."
0:21:35 > 0:21:40Smashing into the tables, bang. Trying to reverse around, bang.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47The best exam story ever was there were teachers...
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Cos it's very boring to invigilate exams
0:21:50 > 0:21:52and they had games that they devised.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55There was one - who is the ugliest student?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58The two of them, one of them would walk down and stand next to
0:21:58 > 0:22:02who they thought was the ugliest student,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05and then walk back up again, and the other one would go...
0:22:05 > 0:22:10They would walk down to who they thought was the ugliest student, and they'd go...
0:22:10 > 0:22:15My favourite exam story is possibly apocryphal of somebody coming out of a biology exam
0:22:15 > 0:22:19and complaining bitterly that they had thrown in a physics question.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21This guy was saying, "I know about charged particles.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24"I know what a cation is and I know what an anion is,
0:22:24 > 0:22:29"but I've never heard of an ON-ion." That was an onion.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31LAUGHTER
0:22:31 > 0:22:34We did an exam once in college
0:22:34 > 0:22:38and you know those big halls with loads of different classes around,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42and one girl had just a conniption fit cos it just went wrong.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46"This is awful." She started crying at the table really loudly
0:22:46 > 0:22:47and they had to get her out.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50It was only an hour into the three-hour exams.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53People are like, "It's tough enough as it is without this going on."
0:22:53 > 0:22:56They took her outside and put her just outside the door.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01And then every time somebody went to the toilet you'd hear... "Waaah!"
0:23:01 > 0:23:04LAUGHTER
0:23:04 > 0:23:07You knew the person would be back from the toilet in a minute.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11You're all going, "I don't want to hear anything"...
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Was that because the invigilator was
0:23:14 > 0:23:18standing outside the door next to her going, "This one!"
0:23:18 > 0:23:22OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Diane.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24APPLAUSE
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31So if everyone goes to the performance area,
0:23:31 > 0:23:36I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists come up with. OK, here we go.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41The first subject is Unlikely Things To Hear On A History Documentary.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46The Russians had Lemsip, the Americans had Night Nurse.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48This was the Cold War.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:54 > 0:23:58And it was in this humble florists that the War of the Roses began.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01LAUGHTER
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Guy Fawkes' bid to blow up the Houses of Parliament failed
0:24:04 > 0:24:07when he realised his body was made of jumpers
0:24:07 > 0:24:09and his head was an old football.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Tonight on Bruce Forsyth's History of Britain,
0:24:17 > 0:24:19"Boadicea, to see you, Bode!"
0:24:19 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Horatio Nelson - one arm, one eye.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30a tragic example of what can happen if you fall asleep
0:24:30 > 0:24:32and someone finds your organ donor card.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:37 > 0:24:43Welcome to Biggest Historical Boobs with me, Katie Price.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Tonight, I intend to find out exactly what did happen
0:24:50 > 0:24:54to Hitler's other ball, and my search begins right here
0:24:54 > 0:24:57in the Albert Hall.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:00 > 0:25:03And on Time Team tonight, we're in Stratford-on-Avon,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06where we've uncovered loads of monkey skeletons
0:25:06 > 0:25:08and some typewriters.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:11 > 0:25:14When Hitler started writing Mein Kampf,
0:25:14 > 0:25:18he intended it to be a light-hearted romp called Carry On Kampfing.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:22 > 0:25:25John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon -
0:25:25 > 0:25:29if history teaches us anything, it's if you don't want your child assassinated,
0:25:29 > 0:25:32don't name them after an airport.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:36 > 0:25:39To be honest, I'm not interested in all this old nonsense really,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41but, since the end of Blackadder,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44the work's been fairly hard to come by.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:51It's hard to believe that this crumbling old ruin
0:25:51 > 0:25:54presented Weakest Link for as long as she did.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56LAUGHTER
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Of course, the Bronze Age was the third best age in history.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02LAUGHTER
0:26:02 > 0:26:05APPLAUSE
0:26:07 > 0:26:11And now the documentary that every Channel Five commissioner has dreamt of...
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Did Hitler Sink the Titanic?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16LAUGHTER
0:26:18 > 0:26:22We've been digging in this field in Hampshire for three weeks
0:26:22 > 0:26:25and we've found this one piece of crockery,
0:26:25 > 0:26:30which tells us we desperately need to get laid.
0:26:30 > 0:26:36OK, the next topic is Unlikely Things To Hear Over A Tannoy.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41We apologise to customers who have recently alighted at Northampton.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I opened the wrong doors.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45LAUGHTER
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Could all the people shopping here at ASDA
0:26:50 > 0:26:54please accept that you are piss-poor?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57LAUGHTER
0:26:57 > 0:27:03Clean-up required in the magazine aisle between Loaded and Nuts.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05LAUGHTER
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Would the parents of the lost child
0:27:09 > 0:27:12please pick him up from the meeting point?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Madonna is trying to buy him.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:19 > 0:27:23I'd like to remind customers that our special offer this week
0:27:23 > 0:27:27is 100% off German bean sprouts.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:29 > 0:27:33If you would like to upgrade to first class,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36then you should have worked harder at school and got a better job.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Could the small boy holding the owl
0:27:43 > 0:27:46stop running at the wall between platforms nine and ten?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:52 > 0:27:58Would the man on pump number four please remove the nozzle
0:27:58 > 0:28:02from the backside of the man on pump number six?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04LAUGHTER
0:28:06 > 0:28:11Could the owner of the Ford Fiesta 1100 in the car park with tinted windows and go-faster stripes
0:28:11 > 0:28:14sort your life out, mate, will you?
0:28:14 > 0:28:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Er, I can't remember what the code is.
0:28:20 > 0:28:26Er, would... Would Mr Fire please report...
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Please report to the kitchen? That's Mr Out Of Control Fire
0:28:30 > 0:28:32please report to the kitchen before it's too late.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35I don't want to start a panic.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:38 > 0:28:43The train now approaching platforms three, four and five,
0:28:43 > 0:28:48is the derailed three o'clock train from Swansea.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Would the owners of a black Jaguar please move it
0:28:53 > 0:28:56as it's attacking the customers?
0:28:56 > 0:28:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:59 > 0:29:03This is your captain speaking. You can now turn on your mobile phones
0:29:03 > 0:29:05as you'll need to text your loved-ones goodbye
0:29:05 > 0:29:07as we plummet into the sea.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:10 > 0:29:15OK. At the end of that, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Diane.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17APPLAUSE
0:29:20 > 0:29:22And that's the end of the show.
0:29:22 > 0:29:23This week's winners are
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Diane Morgan.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28APPLAUSE
0:29:28 > 0:29:33Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Micky Flanagan.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35Thanks for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:53 > 0:29:56E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk