0:00:02 > 0:00:03MUSIC: "News Of The World" by The Jam
0:00:03 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14# Don't believe in everything You see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Read all about it
0:00:18 > 0:00:19# Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:21# News of the world
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Read all about it
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:30# News of the world
0:00:30 > 0:00:31# News of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:39Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Alun Cochrane.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:54We start with a round called Headliners.
0:00:54 > 0:00:59Here's a picture of Labour's two Eds, Miliband and Balls, but what does MFIB stand for?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Is it "Miliband fondles invisible buttocks"?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Is Miliband so dull that the headline is, in fact,
0:01:07 > 0:01:09"Massive flag in background".
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Is it "Martian freak invades Britain"?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Is he apologising to Young Labour for their poll ratings,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21saying "My fault, innit, bruv"?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Is it just simply "MFI Bollocks"?
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Why would they use that picture to randomly take on MFI?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Two wooden characters.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I'm going to go with ones that have nothing to do with the picture.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Why can't we just say "My fanny is burning"?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44A sentence that goes with MFIB.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47By the look of the flag,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49he's trying to knock some sense into a BNP Rally.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Is he saying, "Mo Farah is black"?
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Hang on, that Mo Farah is British.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I can understand him trying to convince them of that, but surely
0:01:59 > 0:02:02he doesn't have to convince even the BNP that Mo Farah is black.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04They are in serious denial.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05This summer was very difficult for them.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08A white man went very well in the 5,000 metres.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10What are you talking about?
0:02:10 > 0:02:15I think it's quite simple. Is it "Man focuses in background"?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Is he trying to appeal to, you know, to trying to show himself to be a bit
0:02:21 > 0:02:23more down to earth, and he's going,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25"Majorca, Faliraki, Ibiza, brilliant."
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Can we move towards a correct answer?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30"Mowgli's friend is Baloo".
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Is it "Martin Freeman is Bilbo"? - No, it's not.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37The M stands for Miliband,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39so it's "Miliband something something battle".
0:02:39 > 0:02:41"Miliband fears irritating battle".
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- No.- Bowel.- Irritable bowel.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45No. Not Bowel!
0:02:45 > 0:02:49I think it's "Miliband fights image battle".
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Very good, thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54APPLAUSE
0:02:55 > 0:02:59OK, the answer I was looking for was Miliband Fights Image Battle.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02This is the news that Ed Miliband has launched a campaign to make
0:03:02 > 0:03:05himself better known to voters, embracing his geek image
0:03:05 > 0:03:07and comprehensive school education.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10It comes in a week when one poll suggested 63% of the electorate
0:03:10 > 0:03:13do not see him as a future Prime Minister.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14The poll actually said, though,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17it said people didn't regard him as Prime ministerial as David Cameron.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20You think that's probably not much of a surprise
0:03:20 > 0:03:22because David Cameron is, in fact, the Prime Minister.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Yes.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27We need to be a bit careful throwing stones about Ed Miliband
0:03:27 > 0:03:28appearing like a bit of a dork.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31If there are seven men on television who don't need to be throwing
0:03:31 > 0:03:34stones in this particular glass house,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37it's this seven-man up you to the survival of the fittest thing.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41This is not only the pot calling the kettle black.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43This is the kettle calling another kettle a kettle.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47To be fair, only one of us does a programme about maths.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Yes.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55What policies have Labour touted at their conference this week?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58He's promised more help for first-time buyers
0:03:58 > 0:04:01and my parents helped me buy my first flat.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I can't thank them enough, it turns out.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09He wants to cut stamp duty, doesn't he, to promote growth.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Yeah.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13It might work. I mean, what was Cameron's best idea
0:04:13 > 0:04:14to promote growth?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Everybody should build a conservatory. And you're thinking,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20"That is not going to kick-start the British economy."
0:04:20 > 0:04:22It might kick-start the Polish economy.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26They're going to sell 4G.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I didn't know we had 4G.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32People talk about this thing, but they might as well go,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35"And we shall sell the nation's returns of unobtanium."
0:04:36 > 0:04:39And the money we receive from that.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Miliband said that they were going to break up the banks which is
0:04:41 > 0:04:44actually a policy that genuinely could solve the financial crisis
0:04:44 > 0:04:48as long as they go back in time and do it before 2008.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50The one banking reform that I would like to see
0:04:50 > 0:04:52is for the people who work at Halifax,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55to stop pissing about with that radio station and do some work.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Do you not think if they did break up the banks that Miliband
0:05:00 > 0:05:04is the sort of bloke who would just end up with a pen with one of those
0:05:04 > 0:05:07little chains on it? Out of everything in a bank...
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Here is a picture of Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14but can anyone give me a phrase to sum this up?
0:05:15 > 0:05:20Good to see that Wayne Rooney is back to fitness.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Is he just thinking to himself, why, when my name is Balls,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27do I keep having photographs like these?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31It is Mr Ed Balls playing football in a match between MPs
0:05:31 > 0:05:32and journalists at the conference.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Apart from playing football, what has Ed Balls been doing recently?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- He's a politician. - Other than that.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41He's been sickening normal people everywhere
0:05:41 > 0:05:44by learning to play the piano.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Yes, to what level?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Grade one.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Grade one, yes.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Grade one is recognising that that's not a piano.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59"This is a trick test. That's not a piano!" - "You've passed."
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I reckon he just heard mention of chopsticks
0:06:03 > 0:06:05and thought there might be some food available.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09It'd be good to play chopsticks. That'll be handy when he's Chancellor
0:06:09 > 0:06:11and has to beg money off the Chinese.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Do you think he will go to the Chinese and go,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15"Ah, Honourable Chinese President."
0:06:15 > 0:06:19DARA MIMES "Chopsticks"
0:06:19 > 0:06:21They'll go, "You took an interest in our culture."
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Sssh!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25DARA CONTINUES MIMING "Chopsticks"
0:06:25 > 0:06:26That's as much as I know.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32I think he would have lost them with "Honourable Chinese President".
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Opening with that.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I'm not into diplomatic code! What do you say?
0:06:37 > 0:06:41It would be like arriving in the Congo with a crate of Um Bongo.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46"I believe you enjoy this beverage."
0:06:47 > 0:06:50"We are told this is all you drink here. Here in the Congo,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52"which has been renamed for how long?"
0:06:52 > 0:06:55It's now called the Democratic Republic of Um Bongo.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59By the way, who did he do the test with?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- Lots of five and six-year-old children.- Yes.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Six-year-old child, six-year-old child, Ed Balls,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06six-year-old child, six-year-old child.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Which is creepy!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10As a six-year-old child you'd be thinking, you'd been told
0:07:10 > 0:07:11as you wait in that room,
0:07:11 > 0:07:13"If you fail this, you're coming back again."
0:07:13 > 0:07:16And then a 45-year-old man... Even as a six-year-old you're thinking,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19"Oh, my God, this guy's an idiot!"
0:07:19 > 0:07:23"They take this shit seriously round here!"
0:07:24 > 0:07:28"Please let me go, please don't make me do the exam again."
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I do in a way think it's commendable that he's done it
0:07:31 > 0:07:34and it's good for him to have a release,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37but I also think it's a really bad thing for a busy politician to do
0:07:37 > 0:07:39in a, sort of, connecting with the people way,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42because people who have got normal jobs are going,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44"Well, I haven't got time to learn the fucking piano.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46"How have you got time?"
0:07:46 > 0:07:48We all really do what Cameron does and just get pissed
0:07:48 > 0:07:52and lose his kids and stuff like that.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55And then people are like, "Yeah, he's one of mine."
0:07:55 > 0:07:56APPLAUSE
0:07:56 > 0:07:59In other news, what did David Cameron do recently
0:07:59 > 0:08:02that no other serving British Prime Minister has ever done?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Samantha Cameron.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09He also went on Letterman, in the States, didn't he?
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Letterman was trying to trip him up by asking him about British history,
0:08:13 > 0:08:17which is tricky because we have got a lot more of it than they have.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19American history exams are really easy.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23They just have questions like, "On what date was September the 11th?"
0:08:24 > 0:08:27He did do all right, but he didn't know what Magna Carta meant
0:08:27 > 0:08:29when in fact what he should have said obviously is,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32what Magna Carta means is that we had civilised democratic
0:08:32 > 0:08:36government some 200 years before your country was discovered.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40APPLAUSE
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Also I'd imagine that had he said that, it wouldn't quite have
0:08:44 > 0:08:47gone as well as an appearance as he would have liked.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49David Cameron was on a complete charm offensive.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52"Look at you, you small, poxy country."
0:08:52 > 0:08:54"Useless. We're older than you!"
0:08:54 > 0:08:56"Older, feel my history, yeah."
0:08:58 > 0:09:00He could also have gone, "You say your name is Letterman.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02"In my country, we would call you 'Postman'."
0:09:08 > 0:09:09He wasn't going on as a Bond villain.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15"Where I'm from, that would be called cheek. Kill him now!"
0:09:15 > 0:09:18They love us as villains.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21They always have English people as villains. They don't know who he is.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23This was an... We could have sent anybody.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25We should have sent Alan Rickman. "Hello."
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Do you know what he came out to?
0:09:27 > 0:09:28I know what he came out to.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30He came out to loads of dry ice
0:09:30 > 0:09:33and they said it represented a London fog,
0:09:33 > 0:09:37when we haven't had a London fog for over 100 years.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42That's the stereotype image that those Americans believe.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44The fat, dumb rednecks!
0:09:46 > 0:09:47APPLAUSE
0:09:50 > 0:09:54The closest we've currently got to a London fog
0:09:54 > 0:09:55is Boris Johnson at the moment.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Either that or Amy Childs from The Only Way Is Essex.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04What Boris Johnson did say was that he got it wrong deliberately because
0:10:04 > 0:10:08he didn't want to seem like he'd had Latin coming out of every orifice.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Now that sounds creepy, doesn't it?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16The thing about Boris Johnson, though, is everybody thinks
0:10:16 > 0:10:19he's quintessentially English but in fact he was born in America,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21named after a Russian,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24and looks like a Swedish person who's eaten another Swedish person.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27APPLAUSE
0:10:28 > 0:10:31At the end of that round the points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news and
0:10:41 > 0:10:43ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48"Good God, it's Margaret Beckett, isn't it?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51"From the first Labour government."
0:10:51 > 0:10:52"Do you know, I'm beginning to wonder
0:10:52 > 0:10:54"how recent this footage actually is."
0:10:54 > 0:10:56"Lovely, a train in a box."
0:10:56 > 0:10:59"Mummy normally just gives me a Twix and a lump of organic cheese."
0:10:59 > 0:11:02"Still, never mind. Stick that on eBay."
0:11:03 > 0:11:05"This, sir, will be your driver, Dave."
0:11:05 > 0:11:08"Hello, Dave. So, you drive this, do you?"
0:11:08 > 0:11:10"I bet you've got a tale or two to tell."
0:11:10 > 0:11:12"Well, actually, it has been hairy a couple of times."
0:11:12 > 0:11:14"I bet it has, yes."
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"Do you know, I quite fancy doing your job."
0:11:17 > 0:11:21"And I quite fancy doing your job."
0:11:21 > 0:11:23"Ha-ha-ha!"
0:11:23 > 0:11:26"That's not going to fucking happen, is it?"
0:11:26 > 0:11:27"Can I have a go?"
0:11:27 > 0:11:29"No, I'm afraid it's against regulations."
0:11:29 > 0:11:34"Is it? Is it? Now, Dave, think very carefully."
0:11:34 > 0:11:36"Yes, I think that's the right answer."
0:11:36 > 0:11:39"Nobody wants to be force fed organic biscuits."
0:11:40 > 0:11:42"Anyway, let's have some fun. This is an impression."
0:11:42 > 0:11:46"This is the British economy. It's going backwards."
0:11:48 > 0:11:51"Don't worry, I understand about trains."
0:11:51 > 0:11:54"Now tell me, Dave, can this go sideways?"
0:11:54 > 0:11:56"It only goes backwards and forwards."
0:11:56 > 0:11:57"Just backwards and forwards."
0:11:57 > 0:12:00"Why don't we just concentrate on driving the train, sir?"
0:12:00 > 0:12:02"Just push the lever forward."
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"Oh, it's a lever, is it?"
0:12:04 > 0:12:07"I thought it was an enormous Liquorice Allsort."
0:12:09 > 0:12:11"What do I do, just push it forwards, do I?"
0:12:11 > 0:12:13"Oh, yes, look, we're going."
0:12:13 > 0:12:15"This is a piece of piss, Dave."
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"You're stealing a living, yes."
0:12:20 > 0:12:23"Hang on, my arm's stuck. Dave, my arm's locked."
0:12:23 > 0:12:24"David, David, I can't stop."
0:12:24 > 0:12:26"My arm's locked."
0:12:26 > 0:12:27"His arm's locked."
0:12:27 > 0:12:30"My arm's locked. Oh, my God. Where are the brakes?"
0:12:30 > 0:12:32"I'm out of control - I can't stop!"
0:12:32 > 0:12:34"I got you there, didn't I, Dave?"
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Well done, Hugh Dennis.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Now we play a round called Wakey-wakey, Rory Mock-Ilroy.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47This game...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51..involves Ed and Gary.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01one of our performers has to talk about that subject.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03The winner is whoever I think is funnier.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05OK, here we go. Let's have the first topic, please.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09The first subject is Parenting.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16I'll take this. We have two children in our house. Two boys.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19One is four months old and the other is 21 months old.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Yeah. We didn't want there to be too big a gap
0:13:23 > 0:13:25so my wife had them both by Caesarean.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30APPLAUSE
0:13:36 > 0:13:38To be honest with you, the four-month-old,
0:13:38 > 0:13:40he's already more of a man than I've ever been,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43because he's already mastered the art of the casual vomit,
0:13:43 > 0:13:44something I could never do.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47When I'm sick it's a biblical event, it's coming out of my nose,
0:13:47 > 0:13:48pulling muscles in my back.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49But he's so cool with it,
0:13:49 > 0:13:52he'll puke and then just look at you like you just did it.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56"What's this?" "That was you." "Don't think so."
0:13:56 > 0:13:58It's amazing the pressure that can build up inside a small child.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01The puke flies out and the piss flies out and the shit...
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Honestly, if I was to feed him creosote instead of milk
0:14:05 > 0:14:06I could do my fence with him.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12The thing we've been careful about, though,
0:14:12 > 0:14:15is even though I have two boys, I didn't name either of them after me
0:14:15 > 0:14:18because I didn't want to have that Big Ed, Little Ed thing.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Cos when you call one of your sons Little Ed it just sounds too much
0:14:21 > 0:14:24like you're talking about your cock.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27"Oh, Little Ed's been misbehaving."
0:14:27 > 0:14:31It just seems a bit... "Honey, will you just hold Little Ed?"
0:14:31 > 0:14:33"Just hold Little Ed for a minute?"
0:14:33 > 0:14:36"Oh, Little Ed's been sick on you."
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Thank you very much, Ed Byrne.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42APPLAUSE
0:14:42 > 0:14:45OK, that leaves us with Gary. Let's see what you've been left with.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47OK, let's spin that wheel.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49The topic is Celebrity.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Celebrity.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56They've started a Celebrity magazine for the elderly.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58It's called "Hello, hello, hello".
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Uri Geller, surprisingly hard to stab.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06LAUGHTER
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Malcolm X chose that name rather than admit
0:15:13 > 0:15:15he'd accidentally put a kiss at the end of a text message.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I went to see Walt Disney On Ice.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Bit disappointing - it was just an old bloke in a freezer.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25LAUGHTER
0:15:29 > 0:15:32The new President of France said this week that English speakers
0:15:32 > 0:15:34were arrogant in their refusal to learn foreign languages.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36At least I think that's what he said.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41But it all just sounded like, "haw-he-haw, haw-he-haw."
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Remember, that's not racist if it's about the French.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I'd have five pounds on the Dalai Lama, if I was a Tibetan man.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55APPLAUSE
0:15:58 > 0:16:00When they buried the man who invented Tetris,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02the whole cemetery disappeared.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09APPLAUSE
0:16:09 > 0:16:12As well as seven years in prison here, Abu Hamza could be
0:16:12 > 0:16:15deported to the United States, where he could face the electric chair.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18But on the plus side, if he is electrocuted, at least
0:16:18 > 0:16:21he can just stick his hook in the air and pretend to be a bumper car.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23APPLAUSE
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Well done, Gary and Ed. Points for both of you, come on back.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39On the board are six categories. Gary, which would you like?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I would like Sport, please.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43OK, the category is Sport, and the answer is 14½.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45What is the question?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Is it how many weeks does it now take Mickey Rourke
0:16:47 > 0:16:49to get an erection?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Is it what glass slipper size...
0:16:54 > 0:16:57What glass slipper size would have made Prince Charming go,
0:16:57 > 0:16:58"OK, I'll leave it"?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04APPLAUSE
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Is it how many pubes do the band One Direction have?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Is it how many months does Wayne Rooney think there are in a year?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Is it how many shades of grey are there really?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29How many minutes did it take to write Gangnam Style?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35How many pints...
0:17:35 > 0:17:40How many pints would the seven dwarves get through
0:17:40 > 0:17:43if Snow White was there and all of them were driving?
0:17:47 > 0:17:51- Get that, eh, get the maths of that. - I don't get it, I don't get it.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Two pints each to be under the limit, plus a half for the lady.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Is it how far into Jamie Oliver's 15 minute meals
0:17:59 > 0:18:02did I realise I didn't have the right ingredients?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05APPLAUSE
0:18:08 > 0:18:11How many hairs has Dara got left?
0:18:13 > 0:18:14AUDIENCE: Aaaah!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16OK, that's cruel.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Comedy doesn't need to be cruel like that.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Is it in fact, how many points did the European Ryder Cup team get?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Very good. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29APPLAUSE
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35what was Europe's winning score in the Ryder Cup?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37This is the news that Europe's golfers retained the Ryder Cup
0:18:37 > 0:18:39after producing a stunning comeback in a tense
0:18:39 > 0:18:41and exciting final day in Chicago.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43After trailing the United States 10-6 after two days' play,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46they produced an outstanding performance to win by
0:18:46 > 0:18:4914½ points to the United States's 13½ points.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Did you watch it?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Yeah, wasn't it brilliant?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54The course was all set up, of course, for the Americans.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57They had very long fairways for their big hitters,
0:18:57 > 0:19:00not too much rough, so they could play their iron shots,
0:19:00 > 0:19:04and very few female spectators to distract Tiger Woods.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Tiger Woods, of course, who lost the foursomes,
0:19:06 > 0:19:10which came as a surprise, because he'd had so much practice.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I've never seen such a thrilling game of golf,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16and I didn't see this one either.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Don't you love the American names, though?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Because that's what I like most about it.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Their captain is called Davis Love III.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24That is a great name, but do I need to know that,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26that you Love the 3rd?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I love the 18th, but I don't go on about it.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I'd like Dara to say it, though.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32What, Davis Love III?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Awww, spoilsport!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36You wanted me to say "de turd"
0:19:36 > 0:19:39and then go dancing with a pig under my arm, yeah.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43That is exactly what I want.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45By the way, the Americans were 10-6 up,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49which was until then an historically unassailable lead, practically, when
0:19:49 > 0:19:53playing away from home, but they had a rousing speech the night before.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56George W Bush on the Saturday night,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59when it looked like the fight was won, George W Bush came along
0:19:59 > 0:20:02and said the fight was won, and then the next day the fight was lost.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05How unlike George W Bush to say that the fight was won
0:20:05 > 0:20:07and then it turns out it's not!
0:20:07 > 0:20:10The US team can count themselves lucky that they're not still
0:20:10 > 0:20:14on the course in bunkers doing that with mortars flying over their heads.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Bush walks out and goes, "Mission accomplished!"
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Cut to two years later, "Well, we hope to get our golfers out
0:20:19 > 0:20:22"at some stage, bring them back for Christmas,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24"that's what we're hoping."
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Who needed a police car to take him to the first tee?
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Rory McIlroy!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Yes, you're absolutely right.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35His excuse was that the coverage on the telly was timed
0:20:35 > 0:20:39as being on Eastern time, when in fact he was in Illinois,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42so there was an hour's difference.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46But the fact is, he was still watching the Ryder Cup on the telly.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49He was still there going, "What's on? Golf, I love golf."
0:20:51 > 0:20:54There's a lot of people standing around looking at their watches..."
0:20:54 > 0:20:55"Hey, hey, I'm playing him today!"
0:20:55 > 0:20:56# Rory, Rory! #
0:20:56 > 0:20:59"When this guy turns up, is he going to be..."
0:20:59 > 0:21:02"Oh!" Ding! The penny dropped.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Here's a picture of the European team celebrating their win.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- Can you sum up this picture in a phrase or a caption? - Yeah, what a load of swingers.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13This is what's happening in the 1970s right now.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18They're twisting again, you know, like we did, last summer.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Is this Marks & Spencer launches its new Looks Like A Dick range?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33This year's line-up for Strictly looks a bit shit?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Is it Gangnam Style? Gangnam Style!
0:21:36 > 0:21:40It's a version of Gangnam Style. It's, in fact, gingham style.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41If you think they look happy,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43you should see the bloke in the jacket shop.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46"I sold them, I sold them!"
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Somewhere there's a branch of Garfunkel's with no tablecloths.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56In other news, what are you now able to do in this country at sunrise,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58midnight or three o'clock in the morning?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- Watch this show on Dave.- Yes.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- You can get married 24 hours, can't you?- Yes, you can.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07And Blackpool Tower say that they're very keen to have
0:22:07 > 0:22:08marriages at midnight.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Of course, the advantage of getting married at midnight
0:22:11 > 0:22:14in Blackpool is that you can't actually see Blackpool.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17I think it's the logical next step,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20because there's already civil partnerships so gay people can
0:22:20 > 0:22:23get married, and now weddings at 3am so ugly people can get married.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27The Home Office have said about this 24-hour wedding thing
0:22:27 > 0:22:30is that it means they've increased the amount of choice people
0:22:30 > 0:22:32can have when planning their weddings.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Right now, there's a nation full of engaged men going,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38"Oh, good, another choice."
0:22:40 > 0:22:42"What we needed was more things to discuss
0:22:42 > 0:22:45"about the planning of this poxy wedding."
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Another thing to be able to do at three in the morning to me,
0:22:50 > 0:22:54there's a definite market for 24-hour divorces,
0:22:55 > 0:22:57or 3am christenings.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03The baby's awake anyway, Dara.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Very true, very true.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I didn't think of it as a christening,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13more the wake we held for our sex life.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19First, you don't have to get married in church any more,
0:23:19 > 0:23:20then you get married at night.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Who is this benefiting?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- Vampires.- Yeah.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Oh, my God, that's exactly it,
0:23:27 > 0:23:31it's just going to be a load of Twilight-themed weddings! Oh, shite!
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Oh, that's all it's going to be.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38At the end of that round, the points go to Alan, Ed and Andy.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
0:23:47 > 0:23:51I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:23:57 > 0:24:00They think it's all over!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03But Wayne Rooney is telling his hair surgeons that they've missed a bit.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10So, just two laps to go, and then these dancers from Stringfellow's
0:24:10 > 0:24:12will be heading home for the night.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Tragedy strikes the Winter Olympics,
0:24:18 > 0:24:22as the ski-jumping is accidentally held next to a clay-pigeon shoot.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28And that's a 200-yard drive.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Colin Montgomerie, there, too lazy to walk to get the paper.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Well, with 200 metres to go, he is on the shoulder of the Ethiopian.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41I don't know if it's legal for him to be there,
0:24:41 > 0:24:45but it'll slow him down a bit.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52Lewis Hamilton still leads, but there's trouble up ahead
0:24:52 > 0:24:55as Dick Dastardly and Muttley are digging a hole under turn 17.
0:24:58 > 0:25:03She can see the line now, she can see the line.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05She's definitely pregnant.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Welcome back to the women's shot put.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16Here's the Lithuanian. My, what a pretty little thing.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Well, let's go over to Epsom for the 2.30.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25There are 16 runners, everyone else is riding a horse.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26What a race this is going to be.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34And after Andy Murray's recent appearance on television's
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Mock The Week, onto centre court
0:25:36 > 0:25:39we see the lolloping frame of Dara O Briain.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47And that's an incredible right hook there from Abu Hamza.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55So, Boris Johnson, are you enjoying the Olympics?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Clare Balding, are you enjoying the Olympics?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08And there was some confusion earlier on Centre Court
0:26:08 > 0:26:11when Andy Murray thought he'd signed one of those giant novelty
0:26:11 > 0:26:16tennis balls and it turned out to be a fat kid's face with jaundice.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24And the England team sticking with the classic 4-4-2 formation.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27This really is the most organised orgy I've ever seen.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33And Serena Williams remains unseeded for a second year.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37I can't help thinking that a bit of lippy and a push-up bra...
0:26:40 > 0:26:42OK, the next topic is...
0:26:47 > 0:26:50What do I think of nepotism? That's a good question, Dad.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Yeah, I served for ten years in Afghanistan. I was in the Taliban.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I like to see myself as a people person,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10although some people have called me a trafficker.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19So, I'm just checking, you definitely, definitely,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21definitely don't do a CRB check?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29You ask a lot of questions.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Sorry, could you repeat the question?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40My ankle bracelet's beeping really loudly.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46Well, I am a fully qualified geography teacher and...
0:27:46 > 0:27:48The school's next door, is it?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55If I were to take you on as an accountant,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58how do you think you'd cope with all the extra fanny you'd be getting?
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Do I like jogging? Oh, I thought you said, do I like dogging?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12The answer's still yes.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19You've demonstrated a bad attitude, an inability to listen
0:28:19 > 0:28:22and a complete lack of interest in others.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Welcome to Ryanair's customer-service team.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Why do I want to be a vet?
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Ketamine.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Well, they gave me a 2:2 at university,
0:28:40 > 0:28:44so I just thought I'd wear it to the interview.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50I'd say my three strongest points are attention to detail,
0:28:50 > 0:28:55a determination to see things through, yada-yada-yada.
0:28:58 > 0:29:02Yes, I think I would be the perfect candidate-didate-didate,
0:29:02 > 0:29:04to make the platform announce-ounce-ounce...
0:29:11 > 0:29:14Why do I want to join the army? I just love a man in uniform.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21What would I do if I won the lottery? Tell you to fuck off.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary!
0:29:30 > 0:29:33APPLAUSE
0:29:37 > 0:29:38That's the end of the show.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41This week's winners are Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Alun Cochrane.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd