0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen Throughout the world
0:00:08 > 0:00:13# But don't believe in everything You see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:19# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Josh Widdicombe,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:52 > 0:00:55We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:55 > 0:00:56On the board are six categories. Katherine,
0:00:56 > 0:00:58which would you like?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- Um, politics.- OK, politics it is.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05The answer is 10 billion. What is the question?
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Is it how many hours of community service will Justin Lee Collins
0:01:09 > 0:01:13have to do before a girl agrees to date him again?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Is it the number of tweets that David Cameron received
0:01:16 > 0:01:20to his new Twitter account that include the word "tosspot"?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Is it if the planet Earth wore trousers,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28what size waist would it take?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Well, is it?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Let me check my notes. No. It is not.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39HE SLURS Is it how many units do I get through a week?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Is it what does 10 million sound like if you say it
0:01:44 > 0:01:46when you've got a cold?
0:01:48 > 0:01:53Is it how many STDs are circulating on the Isle of Fernando's?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:01:55 > 0:01:57I don't even know... What?
0:01:57 > 0:01:58From Take Me Out.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I always thought Take Me Out was a show
0:02:01 > 0:02:03about people who wanted to be assassinated.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Is it how many tattoos would I have to have to look remotely hard?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Is it after how many sheep
0:02:13 > 0:02:15do you know you're really know you're not going to go to sleep?
0:02:17 > 0:02:22Is it how many underserved chances Rihanna will give Chris Brown?
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Is it how much would Mr T get if he went to Cash For Gold?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Excellent topical reference there.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Is it how many Sugar Puffs can get in a pillar box?
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Is it in fact what are the chances against getting
0:02:43 > 0:02:47a joke about Jim'll Fix It on the BBC?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- OK. We'll move on to the correct answer.- How many days
0:02:51 > 0:02:53has that sale been on at DFS?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I really need to go to the correct answer.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Is it the amount of cuts that the Chancellor of the Exchequer
0:02:59 > 0:03:01is trying to find from the welfare budget?
0:03:01 > 0:03:06- Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Yes, the question I was looking for was how much is
0:03:09 > 0:03:12the Government planning to cut from the benefits budget.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14This is news that at the Conservative party conference in Birmingham this week,
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Chancellor George Osborne announced that in its drive to reduce the deficit,
0:03:18 > 0:03:22the Government will cut a further £10 billion in the welfare budget by 2017.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- Where is that going to come from? - Just checking. They're not cutting
0:03:26 > 0:03:28friends with benefits, right?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32That's still grand. Up to the age of 25.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36It is quite difficult for them to know...
0:03:36 > 0:03:39You're not allowed to like the people at the bottom end,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42because they're poor and they're not helping themselves, so boo-boo to them.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44You're not allowed to like the people at the top end,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46because they're rich and they've got all the money.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50And boo-boo-boo to them. And it's kind of getting squeezed more and more.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Eventually, they will put the recovery on one guy
0:03:53 > 0:03:55called Kevin Williamson of Warwick.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58It is all going to be about him.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01We're really backing you to get this country back on track, Mr Williamson.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03"Holy shit!"
0:04:03 > 0:04:08There's a guy at home in Warwick going, "Oh, God. I cannot believe this.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10"This is the worst way for it to be broken to me."
0:04:12 > 0:04:16If he's been correctly chosen, he will be going, "I knew. I knew that.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18"I knew it was going to come down to me.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20"All these people and I'm the only one who can do this.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"I'll get my jacket. I'm going to leave the house."
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I won EuroMillions this weekend!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28David Cameron was determined to change
0:04:28 > 0:04:30the image of the Conservative party, wasn't he?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33He wanted to stop people thinking of them as the nasty party.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36He's done that now, because they're now thought of as the ruthless bastards party.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39I feel sorry for the Tory party,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43because apparently last week they were sent a badge saying, "Britain can deliver".
0:04:43 > 0:04:44But none of them arrived.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50What a cheek that David Cameron wants kids to stay at home
0:04:50 > 0:04:51until they're aged 25,
0:04:51 > 0:04:55when he can't even keep his own kid out of the pub aged eight!
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I tried living with my parents, but it didn't really work out.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Apparently, I didn't see the "no camping" sign among the gravestones.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:11- He didn't kill them. - He didn't kill them. They're probably not dead.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13It's definitely a joke, all right?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18He didn't really try and put Sugar Puffs in a letterbox.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Oh, um, big news, exciting news for home owners.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28Oh, yeah, you can kill burglars now! I think that's the gist of it, er...
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I think that's it, I'm not sure. You can put bear traps under your house
0:05:31 > 0:05:34and if you hear a yelp in the middle of the night...
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Basically, a slapstick rule should apply. If it goes "ba-doing",
0:05:38 > 0:05:41fine. If you kill the guy, not so much.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44You're allowed to be proportionate in your violence,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46but not grossly proportionate.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50So if what you're doing to the burglar could feature
0:05:50 > 0:05:54in one of the Saw movies, you've gone too far.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57You want to go with Laurel and Hardy films. Try and whack 'em
0:05:57 > 0:06:00by turning round with a ladder,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02you know, a bucket on the head.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- Who has received a hero's welcome at the conference?- Batman!
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Yes! Batman... No, not Batman.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Oh, Boris.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Boris Johnson said he wanted to be tough on crime
0:06:12 > 0:06:16and this was after, apparently, he's had six bikes nicked.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19And you're wondering has he really had six bikes nicked,
0:06:19 > 0:06:24or six times he just hasn't got a clue where he in fact left them.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29- What was the hero's welcome? What do they do for him? - They kind of clapped.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34It wasn't like they threw rose petals. They were just happy to see him.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38A hero's welcome, you know Aladdin, when he is on the elephant?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41# Hey, clear the way In the old bazaar
0:06:41 > 0:06:44# Hey, you, let us through It's a bright new star
0:06:44 > 0:06:46# Come be the first on the block To meet... #
0:06:46 > 0:06:48You know, "You're gonna love this guy!" That...
0:06:48 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:50 > 0:06:54APPLAUSE
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Yeah, yeah! That's a hero's welcome.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I defer to your definition of a hero's welcome.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02At no point did Boris arrive on, near,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04or confusingly like, an elephant.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08They also gave him, like they give everyone at the Tory conference,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10they gave him a two-minute standing ovation.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13That's what they give absolutely everyone, whatever they've said.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15It makes perfect sense. It's 30 seconds of clapping
0:07:15 > 0:07:18and a minute and a half for most of them to stand up.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Do you need a hand? Come on, you can do this. Come on.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30APPLAUSE
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Thank you,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Hinge and Bracket over there. OK.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39In other news, outside the party conference,
0:07:39 > 0:07:41what have hospital patients been asked to rate?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43They have been asked to rate, apparently,
0:07:43 > 0:07:47exactly how good the A&E departments are.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51The question is, would you recommend this A&E department
0:07:51 > 0:07:53to your friends and family?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55What are you going to say to them?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57"Don't worry you've had an accident,
0:07:57 > 0:08:01"you're going to St Mark's and that's got a cracking A&E!"
0:08:01 > 0:08:03It will change the beginning of Casualty.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Just some man falling off his shed onto his garden rake
0:08:07 > 0:08:10and then crawling to his laptop to go on Trip Advisor.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Or just come home to your partner, square up and go,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18"I'm going to send you some place nice."
0:08:20 > 0:08:25I've never heard domestic violence put quite as charmingly as that!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I know that they've put "don't know" in.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Extremely likely, likely, unlikely... Don't know.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Don't ask the people with concussion!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39How would you rate it? "Hm? Cabbage? Banana?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41"Mm? Argh!"
0:08:41 > 0:08:46The people who give the lowest rating are dead, so...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49the results are going to be unavoidably skewed.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52That's going to be in awkward conversation. "I'm sorry, we've lost him."
0:08:52 > 0:08:54"Do you think he was satisfied...?"
0:08:54 > 0:08:57APPLAUSE
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"Before he went, did he say whether he enjoyed the food?"
0:09:02 > 0:09:06It's going to be the least accurate survey of all time.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Don't ask people questions when they're in pain.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11"And what's your name?" "J-e-e-e-esus!"
0:09:11 > 0:09:13"Another Jesus, we've had a lot of them."
0:09:15 > 0:09:18They have quite confusing questions like,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20"Which hepatitis did the doctor fail to cure you of?"
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"Was it "A"?"
0:09:23 > 0:09:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:27 > 0:09:30In other news, here's a picture of illusionist David Blaine
0:09:30 > 0:09:32performing his latest stunt in New York.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Can anyone sum it up in a phrase?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- Is it "what a stupid stunt"?- Yes.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41Is it "giant makes mistake of sitting on lighthouse"?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Man discovers easiest way to charge new iPhone.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Is it Earth, wind and douche bag?
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Is he saying, "I wish I'd never started changing this lightbulb"?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Is this what they use to keep Bruce Forsyth alive?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02"Remember, ke-e-e-ep me plugged in!"
0:10:03 > 0:10:07He's in fact all right, but the dove up his sleeve for the big finish...
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Done to a crisp that, isn't it?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12No!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Damn!
0:10:14 > 0:10:18He used to be in illusionist and now he's an endurance performer,
0:10:18 > 0:10:20which just sounds like homeless to me.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26David Blaine's biggest magic trick is staying relevant, to me.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30APPLAUSE
0:10:32 > 0:10:36The suit makes it completely safe. There is 100% no danger.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38And people going, "Oh, it's really amazing, because there's
0:10:38 > 0:10:41"so much electricity around him, but he was OK." Right?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44It's the equivalent of putting on a scuba-diving thing
0:10:44 > 0:10:46and sitting in the bath and going, "Hm!
0:10:48 > 0:10:49"This water could kill me!
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- "I'm safe! What a miracle, I'm safe here in my... - HE GURGLES
0:10:53 > 0:10:55"..scuba outfit!"
0:10:56 > 0:11:00I would've loved to have seen him do that stunt in the UK.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04People would have been chucking water bombs at him.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07That and some eggs.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10The smell of burnt omelette for miles!
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Do you know when I lost respect for him, when he did that ice one?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16When he's in a block of ice and he called it Frozen In Time.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19You're going, "That is the best chance to call it Chill Blaine that's ever happened."
0:11:21 > 0:11:24OK, at the end of that round the points go to Josh, Katherine and Andy!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Now, we play a round called Live And Let Mock.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35This game involves Katherine, Milton and Josh.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38So if you make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42This is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News. Wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44a performer must talk about that subject.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. OK, here we go.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49The first topic, please.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53And the first subject is identity. Who wants to do that? Josh.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I had to sign for a parcel recently.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00That's got a lot more difficult, hasn't it?
0:12:00 > 0:12:03It used to be simple, when you get a pen and a piece of card.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Now, you're given this kind of digital screen
0:12:07 > 0:12:08and plastic stick.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14And all you can do is some kind of zigzag up and down... LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:18That bears no relation to any signature that has ever existed ever.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21"Is that your signature?" No!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24It's like the mark of Zorro.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Is anyone checking this at the post office? Going, "I've got bad news.
0:12:30 > 0:12:36"Zorro is back. He's signing for every parcel in the United Kingdom."
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I struggled filling in this one, but I filled in the Census last year.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42My favourite question was on the final page.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46The question said "please fill in the details of anyone that doesn't live with you,
0:12:46 > 0:12:50"but stayed over on the night of 23rd March".
0:12:51 > 0:12:54That's going to be very awkward if you just had a one night stand, isn't it?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Good morning, a few questions.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01What is your occupation?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Why do I want to know? Well, I'm telling the Government actually. Yes.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Just drop in, go, "Morning, do you take sugar in your tea?
0:13:09 > 0:13:14"Also, would you describe yourself as Caucasian?"
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Thank you, Josh Widdicombe.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:18 > 0:13:20OK, let's see what the next subject is.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25And it is nationality. Who wants to do that? Katherine.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Hello. I'm of mixed heritage, actually.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I talk like a Canadian,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35but I tolerate my partner's drinking like an Irish girl.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I travel a lot from London to Ireland.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Anyone who's flown Heathrow to Cork
0:13:42 > 0:13:45knows that on your way to the plane, they have signs.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50Signs reminding you how many chances you've got left to get drunk.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Yeah! They're, like "six licensed shops", "two shops", "one shop".
0:13:54 > 0:13:57It's like, "What? Before I board an aircraft filled with wine
0:13:57 > 0:13:59"to get to the land of Guinness?"
0:14:00 > 0:14:03And the final shop. The final shop is right at the gate.
0:14:03 > 0:14:09In that shop there's a sign that says "No ID? No sale".
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I'm like, "Hm, this is an international airport."
0:14:12 > 0:14:16How about "No ID, how do you get on the plane"?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21It is in the boarding lounge!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24If a terrorist manages to sneak through levels of security
0:14:24 > 0:14:27at the world's busiest international airport,
0:14:27 > 0:14:28give him a pint!
0:14:28 > 0:14:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Thank you. That's Katherine Ryan.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40OK, that leaves us with Milton. Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Transport is the topic.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:52So I've got my own private jet.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57The rest of the Jacuzzi belongs to my mum.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01APPLAUSE
0:15:04 > 0:15:06If you've got a sat nav,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09don't put the name of the company you're visiting into it.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I tried to take some mayonnaise back the other day.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14I ended up in Hellmann Province!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I mean, I've got a car, but there's nothing
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I like better than making a bonfire on the passenger seat,
0:15:24 > 0:15:28driving up and down, opening and shutting the electric sun roof
0:15:28 > 0:15:31and pretending to be a steam train.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36My uncle, he was a taxi driver.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37But then, one day,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40he left home without any indication.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50So recently I was fell walking in the Lake District. That's not quite true.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Recently, I fell walking in the Lake District.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00I was going to tell someone, but the pillar box was full of Sugar Puffs.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- APPLAUSE - Thank you very much, Milton.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05At the end of that round, points to everyone.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Come on.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Our next round is called Headliners.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Here's a picture of everyone's favourite radical cleric, Abu Hamza,
0:16:17 > 0:16:18back in his heyday.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20What does H-F-A-T stand for?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Is it "high-fiving - always trouble"?
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Is it "Hamza fantasises about thumbs"?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Is it "look on the bright side, his feet are terrific"?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Is it "harvest festival attracts troublemaker"?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45No, no, it's "Holy F, a Teletubby!"
0:16:46 > 0:16:51Is he reading an eye chart and going, "H. F. A. T."?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Is it "Harlow finally appoint town crier"?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Is it what the British authorities said to him when they said goodbye?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Is it "have fun, Abu! Ta-ra!"?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08APPLAUSE
0:17:08 > 0:17:13Is it what happens when he tries to do head, shoulders, knees and toes?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Head... Fuck! Argh! Twat!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- I need a correct answer.- It's the start of his sermon, isn't it?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Hello, Finsbury and Tottenham!
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- The correct answer, please. - His fingers aren't there.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:36 > 0:17:38"H" stands for Hamza, I'll give you that.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Is it "Hamza faces American trial", probably?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Yes, absolutely. Well done, Hugh Dennis. Very good.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52Yes the answer I was looking for was "Hamza faces American trial".
0:17:52 > 0:17:54This is the news after eight years of fighting extradition,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57radical preacher and former nightclub bouncer Abu Hamza
0:17:57 > 0:18:01has been deported to America to face trial on terrorism charges.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03It follows a recent revelation that even the Queen was concerned
0:18:03 > 0:18:07that Abu Hamza had remained in the UK for such a long period of time.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Will you miss him?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Lawyers were saying that they thought it was cruel to extradite him now,
0:18:12 > 0:18:15just before the panto season started.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17I think it was right, in the end.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22- I mean, I'm as fond of hate preaching as the next man... - LAUGHTER
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I think it was time for him to go.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27If you think about it, how terrifying.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29You hope the other passengers on the plane knew.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32How terrifying would it be if you're flying to New York
0:18:32 > 0:18:35and you find Abu Hamza sitting next to you?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39MANIACAL LAUGHTER
0:18:39 > 0:18:43If there was anyone who didn't really gain from the Paralympics feel-good legacy
0:18:43 > 0:18:44it's Abu Hamza.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48He was supposed to have advised one of the 9/11 bombers
0:18:48 > 0:18:50and he advised the shoe bomber.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53This is a man with no hands and one eye.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Would you take bomb advice off that man?
0:18:57 > 0:18:58It took ages to get rid of him
0:18:58 > 0:19:04and David Cameron said that he was sick to the back teeth of him. The poshness of it.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06He was sick to the back teeth of a terrorist.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10I don't think you can get more British than that. He was an absolute pest.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12We were all awfully cheesed off about 7/7
0:19:12 > 0:19:15and, frankly, the fellow was the giddy limit.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21According to the British police, there's been a question mark over him for some time.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Either that, or he just had his hand in the air.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27APPLAUSE
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Enjoy them while they're still hot!
0:19:32 > 0:19:37My favourite bit of the story was in court, they took his hooks off him.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41There's no need. They should have just covered it with one of those big foam hands.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44That would have been far more humiliating for him.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47We're number one! Denver Nuggets, number one!
0:19:47 > 0:19:49It's always been fascinating to me
0:19:49 > 0:19:54that Abu Hamza saw 9/11 as a sign that God hates America.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56And you'd think, you know,
0:19:56 > 0:19:57with no hands and one eye,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00God's not that sold on him, really.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05What I don't understand is he's diabetic and he got legal aid.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08But surely fizzy drinks aren't good for you.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14OK, here is a picture of England manager Roy Hodgson.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Can you sum this up in a phrase?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Is it the world's most disappointing lap dance?
0:20:20 > 0:20:25Is he saying, "Wichmond, Wickmansworth,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27"Wayners Lane...
0:20:27 > 0:20:29"..thank goodness I'm going to Wembley."
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Waiting in the tunnel before the game, Roy Hodgson begins to suspect
0:20:34 > 0:20:36he may be in the wrong tunnel.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Looking at the whole picture, is it "the London Underground,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42where sexy singles meet"?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Is it when he took the job and they said he could have a driver
0:20:49 > 0:20:54to take him to matches, he should've asked a few more questions?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Are they saying, "we apologise for the delay,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00"Luis Suarez has dived in front of the train?"
0:21:01 > 0:21:05"Whoops, I've just put a yellow javelin through this man's head."
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- What's the story? - He was on the Tube and he was on his way to the Emirates.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14And someone asked him a question
0:21:14 > 0:21:18and he broke the unwritten code of talking to people on the Tube.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24You're not allowed to do that. If you're a Londoner you simply do not talk to people on the Tube,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27unless you've got a dog.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Not that people were angry he'd given away
0:21:30 > 0:21:33confidences about the selection or non-selection of Rio Ferdinand,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35it was just that he broke the beautiful rule of...
0:21:35 > 0:21:40You don't talk to people on the Tube. On the Tube, you have to sit like this.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Oh, now I recognise you!
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Can I borrow your Metro? Thanks.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Surely it was just a misunderstanding.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Somebody said to Roy Hodgson...
0:21:54 > 0:21:56LAUGHTER
0:21:56 > 0:21:58He hasn't arrived at his destination yet.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- We are hoping he arrives soon! - My stop.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06He said he will never talk to anyone on the Tube again.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I want to be there when a tourist comes up to him and goes,
0:22:09 > 0:22:13"Is this Marble Arch?" And he has to go...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15It's the only way they'll learn.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20We all have to go through that.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Hello, Londoner, I'm just over from Ireland. I was wondering what train...
0:22:23 > 0:22:28Oh, you're going, OK, er... I'll try another one.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30I would talk to you, Mr O Briain.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I would take you to your destination and carry your bags.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Thank you very much. You are a foreigner, er...
0:22:37 > 0:22:41I've been here too long and now I shun you, as well.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42HE MUMBLES
0:22:42 > 0:22:46I'll pretend I'm on a Tube. Ask me a question.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Hello, sir, I was wondering
0:22:49 > 0:22:52if you knew this was a perfect place to change for the Jubilee line?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Excuse me. I was wondering if this was the right place...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I want to get Buckingham Palace.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Shameful. This man is a pioneer.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19The first man ever to speak on the Tube and your people,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22instead of lifting him up, you punish him.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24By making him coach your football team.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31OK. The points go to Josh, Katherine and Andy.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Now we come to scenes we would like to see,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40so if you can make your way to the performance area,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I will read out the topics
0:23:42 > 0:23:45and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50OK. The first subject is
0:23:50 > 0:23:53lines you wouldn't hear in a Bond movie.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Agents aren't what they used to be, 007.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Meet 118 118.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00BUZZER
0:24:03 > 0:24:05One dry martini, shaken not stirred
0:24:05 > 0:24:08and, um,
0:24:08 > 0:24:09four Jager bombs.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11APPLAUSE
0:24:11 > 0:24:13BUZZER
0:24:14 > 0:24:19So, Bond, we're really pushing product placement in this film.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23So here's your new secretary, Miss Moneysupermarket.com.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25APPLAUSE
0:24:25 > 0:24:26BUZZER
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Goldfinger, what are you doing with that laser?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32You've nearly burnt my cock off?
0:24:33 > 0:24:34BUZZER
0:24:36 > 0:24:39HE USES FOREIGN ACCENT So, laser-guided, fires at will,
0:24:39 > 0:24:44lovely in the hand, incredible repeat speed. Hm.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Tell me, Mr Bond,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49where do you get a penis like this?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52BUZZER
0:24:55 > 0:24:57MI6?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00No, you're a lot older than that, Bond.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02BUZZER
0:25:05 > 0:25:08A-ha. Mr Bond.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14It appears that somebody has stolen my cat.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17BUZZER
0:25:18 > 0:25:22I'm sorry, James, I'm going to have to remove your licence to kill.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Also, I would question the validity of this boob inspector card.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29BUZZER
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Heeey! It's me, Pussy,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Pussy No More.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Yeah, I'm post-op now.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Seemed to go real good.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42BUZZER
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Professor, how could you, you tried to mix giant broccoli
0:25:45 > 0:25:48with three million eggs.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51So your terrible flan has failed.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54BUZZER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:57 > 0:25:59And this watch that fires bullets.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01And I'm afraid that's all the gadgets I can give you, Bond.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05I'm the eight-items-or-less queue.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06BUZZER
0:26:08 > 0:26:11I think you may need an eye test, Bond.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16That sex-mad blonde you've been shagging in the embassy?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18It's Julian Assange.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20BUZZER
0:26:22 > 0:26:25So she's smuggling diamonds somehow, Bond,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27and your job is to find out how.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Just go to the hotel reception and ask for Fanny Vajazzle.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34BUZZER
0:26:34 > 0:26:36OK. The next topic is
0:26:36 > 0:26:39unlikely things to hear at a party conference.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Yes, I'm a millionaire, yes, I went to Eton.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47But I really feel I can relate to the rest of you scum.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50BUZZER
0:26:50 > 0:26:51APPLAUSE
0:26:52 > 0:26:55My name's Dave, like the TV channel -
0:26:55 > 0:26:59we both repeat the same old shit over and over again.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00BUZZER
0:27:00 > 0:27:02APPLAUSE
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Would Nick Clegg please come to lost property,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09where his missing spine has been handed in.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12BUZZER
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Am I to the left, am I to the right?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18I'll be honest, it depends which trousers I'm wearing.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21BUZZER
0:27:22 > 0:27:25So that concludes the conference. One more question.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Would anyone like to buy a 40ft sign
0:27:28 > 0:27:30with the word "Conservatives" written on it?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33BUZZER
0:27:33 > 0:27:35I'd avoid the hotel bar.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Ann Widdecombe's in there reading Fifty Shades Of Grey.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42BUZZER
0:27:42 > 0:27:48It has just been unacceptable cut after unacceptable cut.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52Why can't Boris Johnson find a proper hairdresser?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54BUZZER
0:27:55 > 0:27:59Welcome to the UKIP conference, the first conference to be held
0:27:59 > 0:28:02here in Islamabad.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05BUZZER
0:28:05 > 0:28:09Education, education, education.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Can someone fix might autocue, please?
0:28:11 > 0:28:12BUZZER
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Politicians, ready!
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Gladiators, ready!
0:28:19 > 0:28:22BUZZER
0:28:22 > 0:28:24SHE INHALES SHARPLY
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Let's get drunk and join the euro!
0:28:27 > 0:28:28BUZZER
0:28:30 > 0:28:35This Government say they are phasing out Roman numerals.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Not on my watch.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39APPLAUSE
0:28:39 > 0:28:41BUZZER
0:28:43 > 0:28:46There have never been enough women in this party
0:28:46 > 0:28:48and that is why, from this afternoon,
0:28:48 > 0:28:51you can call me Stephanie.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54BUZZER
0:28:54 > 0:28:59Our strategy for this Labour conference is embrace the geek
0:28:59 > 0:29:00and not as I said earlier,
0:29:00 > 0:29:03release the gimp.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06BUZZER
0:29:07 > 0:29:10Here in support of Testicular Cancer Awareness Week,
0:29:10 > 0:29:13it's shadow chancellor Ed Ball.
0:29:14 > 0:29:15BUZZER
0:29:18 > 0:29:20I don't know about you,
0:29:20 > 0:29:23but I have swallowed so much semen this weekend.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28BUZZER
0:29:29 > 0:29:32My name's Dave, like the TV channel.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35And I repeat the same old shit over and over.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37APPLAUSE AND BUZZER
0:29:37 > 0:29:41Very good. At the end of that round, the points got to Josh, Katherine, and Andy.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:47 > 0:29:49OK, that is the end of the show.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Josh Widdicombe.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:55 > 0:29:58Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.
0:30:06 > 0:30:11# Read about the things that happen Throughout the world
0:30:12 > 0:30:17# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:18 > 0:30:23# Read all about it Read all about it... #
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd