0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:09 > 0:00:14# ..but don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:21# Read all about it
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:23 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# Read all about it
0:00:29 > 0:00:32# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Jo Caulfield
0:00:41 > 0:00:42and Carl Donnelly,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:55We start with a round called Headliners.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Here is a picture of the Prime Minister, the American President
0:00:58 > 0:01:01and the Chancellor of Germany, but what does CIDW stand for?
0:01:01 > 0:01:06Is it in fact all they've achieved at the G20?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08"Checked in. Drank wine."
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Is Merkel saying, "Cameron! It's Denzel Washington!"
0:01:20 > 0:01:23She, presumably, is suggesting an answer to the crisis, isn't she?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26She's saying "Call in Darth Wader!"
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Or she's saying "Careful, I declare war."
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Is it in fact, "Cameron interrupts dirty weekend?"
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Is it "Cameron introduces drunk woman?" Cos she does look a bit...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46She looks lairy, anyway.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I reckon Merkel's going to the vending machine to get some snacks,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52so she's checking the order. She's going,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55"Is it a Crunchie, ice-cream, Diet Coke, Wotsits?"
0:01:57 > 0:02:02Is it David Cameron saying, "Children? I...damn. Where?"
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Is it Angela Merkel saying,
0:02:10 > 0:02:14"I have lived my life like a candle in da wind."
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I've heard a lot of bad things about Men In Black III,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25but it looks pretty good now they've cast Angela Lansbury in it.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Can I get the correct answer, please?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Is it "Cameron issues dire warning?"
0:02:34 > 0:02:36That's very good. Well done, Chris.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Yes, the answer I was looking for was "Cameron issues dire warning."
0:02:43 > 0:02:47This is the news that at the G20 summit in Mexico, David Cameron
0:02:47 > 0:02:50put the eurozone crisis at the top of a list of five big threats
0:02:50 > 0:02:54that world leaders need to tackle to avoid a global financial meltdown.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Are we scared of this disaster?
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Yep.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Did you see what the five threats were?
0:03:00 > 0:03:04They were in fact, the eurozone crisis, sovereign debt,
0:03:04 > 0:03:08the challenges of growth and low competitiveness, protectionism
0:03:08 > 0:03:11and failure to regulate the banking system.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16Now, if you add those up, there are in fact six things there.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20And he is going to tell that to the 23 countries of the G20.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25It would be good if in the middle of the five things
0:03:25 > 0:03:26he'd thrown in a genuine...
0:03:26 > 0:03:29"The five things we have to be worried about are eurozone debt,
0:03:29 > 0:03:34"sovereign debt, low growth, that asteroid, failure to regulate..."
0:03:34 > 0:03:37They go, "I'm sorry, what was the last one?" "You mean low growth?"
0:03:37 > 0:03:40"That's not the one we meant! The one you said after low growth!"
0:03:40 > 0:03:42"Oh, the asteroid. We'll get to that."
0:03:44 > 0:03:46It would be great if we did an episode of this show
0:03:46 > 0:03:48for people who don't really watch the news
0:03:48 > 0:03:53and then we discuss the asteroid as if this was actually a news story.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I'm pretty sure that this show is for people
0:03:55 > 0:03:57who don't really watch the news.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02How did the Greek elections go? They went tremendously well.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05People voted and they've got a new government.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09They have a party that sounds lovely in Greece, the Golden Dawn Party.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12It's a nice name, isn't it? Yeah, they're actually the BNP of Greece,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16but they sound lovely, like, "Oh, a bowl of Golden Dawn in the morning."
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Ooh, fascists.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23I got a DVD called Golden Dawn. It wasn't what I was expecting.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I think the problem with these Mediterranean countries
0:04:26 > 0:04:29is that they have their main meal at ten o'clock at night.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Right, OK.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33That means you go to bed later, you don't sleep as well,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35you're tired for most of the day,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37you have to have a nap in the afternoon
0:04:37 > 0:04:39and your economy gets knackered.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Surely austerity rule one should be tea at six o'clock.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I think it has got out of hand.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I was in a restaurant and they were doing a special offer.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53"If you buy a Greek salad and there's a German in the room,
0:04:53 > 0:04:54"he has to pay for it."
0:05:02 > 0:05:04What did the Greeks vote for?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07It was a vote on whether they should stay within the eurozone.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Essentially, yeah.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10We should stop calling it the eurozone,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13because if we continue to call them the eurozone,
0:05:13 > 0:05:14they can call us Poundland.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I've got mixed feelings about Greece leaving the euro,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26cos I actually discovered in my drawer
0:05:26 > 0:05:30that I've got quite a lot of drachma left,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33and I counted it all up and, depending on how things go,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36I think I might be able to buy a house.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Or possibly the railways.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I always think "Greek bailout"
0:05:41 > 0:05:44sounds like something they do at Eton after lights out.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47That's why it's so difficult for Cameron and Osbourne to talk about it.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49"I say, Cameron." "What is it, Osbourne?"
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"You don't fancy a quick Greek bailout, do you?"
0:05:52 > 0:05:55"You're insatiable, man! Come on, let's grease up. Let's go."
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Where was the G20 taking place?
0:05:59 > 0:06:03It was taking place in a place called Los Cabos in Me-hi-co.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07It doesn't have to be said like a villager from The Magnificent Seven.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12That would be funny if all of their speeches were done in that voice.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15"We must help the villagers."
0:06:15 > 0:06:17"When the music stop, you die."
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Is a luxury resort the right place to start talking about people's austerity?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25If you're kind of going, "There are five plans..."
0:06:25 > 0:06:27And this man arrives with a tray
0:06:27 > 0:06:30with a large pink drink with an umbrella in it.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32"Not now!"
0:06:32 > 0:06:35There's a Mexican waiter going, "Senor?"
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Behind you, a Mariachi band going,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40# Guantanamera!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43"Go away! Ixnay on the Uantanamera-gay!"
0:06:45 > 0:06:48What Cameron should do is get a great big black hat
0:06:48 > 0:06:50and the sleep mask he got on the plane and stand up
0:06:50 > 0:06:52in front of the G20 and say,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54"I will lead you out of economic austerity for I am...
0:06:54 > 0:06:57MAKES WHOOSHING NOISE "..Borro!"
0:07:04 > 0:07:07When you get a bunch of national leaders in a room together,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10you realise that however hard you can fight against it,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13they are just a bunch of stereotypes.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14You've got Angela Merkel,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16a butch German woman who looks like a shot-putter.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18You've got Francois Hollande,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20a Frenchman who left his wife for a younger model.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22You've got Cameron, a posh Etonian.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26You've got Putin, a KGB-trained psychopath.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30You've got Obama, a cool black dude.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33It's like the G20's been written by the writers of 'Allo 'Allo!
0:07:34 > 0:07:38What did Labour Leader Ed Miliband label David Cameron this week?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40He labelled him "a tainted leader."
0:07:40 > 0:07:45"A tainted Prime Minister," which was a very early song by Soft Cell.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50He did, because of what? Cos he's too close to the rich and powerful.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54This is all based on the fact that he got a text from Rebekah Brooks
0:07:54 > 0:07:58saying that they were all in it together.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59"Yes, you Cam!"
0:07:59 > 0:08:03The other part that was creepy was the bit at the start
0:08:03 > 0:08:06where she goes, "Let's discuss this over country supper soon."
0:08:06 > 0:08:09It sounds like a horrible euphemism.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13"I went out last night, ended up back at a girl's place. She gave me a country supper."
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I only went looking for a Greek bailout.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22It was impressive, I thought, as a technique.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24The thing that most of the politicians have done
0:08:24 > 0:08:27is they have been forgetful at the Leveson Inquiry and they've gone,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"I'm afraid I can't recall that. Did that happen?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32"I have no recollection of such a thing occurring."
0:08:32 > 0:08:35The genius of Cameron to establish himself as forgetful
0:08:35 > 0:08:37in the week of the Leveson Inquiry
0:08:37 > 0:08:40by leaving his daughter behind in a pub!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Genius.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49What has Ed Miliband admitted recently?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51That he is related to David Miliband.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Ending speculation.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59That he looks like Wallace...
0:09:02 > 0:09:04..from Wallace and Gromit, which is why...
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Which is when he said of David Cameron,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09as part of the "tainted Prime Minister" speech,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11he said he doesn't live in the real world,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14you thought, "Ed doesn't. He lives with a plasticine dog!"
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Actually, I had a long conversation with Ed Miliband
0:09:16 > 0:09:19about whether he looked like Wallace or not,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22and it would have been shorter but about once every 12th of a second
0:09:22 > 0:09:25an assistant had to move his arm just a little bit.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29The Tories have been going on at him
0:09:29 > 0:09:32about the fact that he looks like Wallace,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35but they've got absolutely no room to talk about this.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Cameron looks like Iggle Piggle, Michael Gove looks like Pob,
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Eric Pickles looks like a Sontaran from Doctor Who,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Teresa May looks like Roy Hodgson in drag,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Jeremy Hunt looks like Seb Coe with a wasting disease
0:09:46 > 0:09:49and if you get Iain Duncan Smith and William Hague together,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51they look like Yoda's bollocks.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Our next round is called Newsreel. We play in a recent piece of footage
0:10:06 > 0:10:09featuring people in the news and ask Hugh to suggest
0:10:09 > 0:10:11what might be being said. This week's clip
0:10:11 > 0:10:13features David Cameron and Barack Obama.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17AS OBAMA: Hi! Barack Obama, vote for me in November. Don't vote for Mitt.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19His name sounds like an oven glove.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Say, David, you like to shoot hoops?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24AS CAMERON: Yes, well, actually, I'm just fearfully posh.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I like to shoot almost everything.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30I prefer riding, really. I've got an ex-police horse I can borrow.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Yes, anyway, my name's David. I'm just chillaxing with Barack.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39We've got a special relationship, not in THAT way of course, no.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42The Church of England would go mad.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45You'll have to forgive David, he's never been to a ball game before.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46He doesn't know the rules.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Well, I like netball. In fact, I prefer football.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Hey, you, you better shut your mouth!
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Shut your mouth, that's what I say, shut your mouth. I'm sorry if I...
0:10:56 > 0:10:59You better tell your limey-ass friend to shut his mouth
0:10:59 > 0:11:03or I'm going to shut it for him. He can take that Beckham with him!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05OK, he says, "Would you shut the fuck up?"
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Oh, he's serious, is he? I see.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14So, say, have you got one of these?
0:11:14 > 0:11:18This is a medal I got for killing Osama bin Laden with my bare hands!
0:11:19 > 0:11:23I did that. Vote for me in November, I killed Osama with my bare hands.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27You want one, I got drawers full of this shit in the White House.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31So, Dave. You ever killed a man with your bare hands?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Well, I've thought of killing Nick a couple of times.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Seems the kindest thing to do, really, put him out of his misery.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41God, it's hot in here. I'm as hot as a pasty with VAT on it.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Hang on a minute. I'm almost certain
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I had my daughter with me when I came in here.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Well done, Hugh.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Now we play a round called Happy Birthday, Paul Mock-Cartney.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05This game involves Jo, Milton and Carl,
0:12:05 > 0:12:07so if you could make your way to the performance area.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel of News
0:12:10 > 0:12:12and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14one of our performers must talk about that subject.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22The first subject is retail.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Can I ask someone to come in and talk on that? Jo Caulfield.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Tesco's have announced that they are going to overhaul their shops
0:12:30 > 0:12:33by employing more staff, which is great
0:12:33 > 0:12:35because the self-scanning doesn't work, does it?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38It's just a row of angry people shouting at machines.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43Just going, "But there's nothing in the bagging area! I've removed it from the bagging area.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48"D'you know what's in the bagging area? A frigging bag! What a surprise(!)"
0:12:48 > 0:12:52And also, I have to say, sometimes a person isn't better.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56I was at Tesco's at the checkout with a person and just by mistake,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59instead of the Tesco Clubcard,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I handed over my Sainsbury's Nectar card.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05The woman at the checkout in Tesco's, no word of a lie,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08she looked at the Sainsbury's card, she put it down,
0:13:08 > 0:13:09she then looked at her own badge.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18As if to go, "Maybe she's right, maybe I do work in Sainsbury's!"
0:13:20 > 0:13:26So the shopping came to ?3.76, so I gave her five pounds and a penny
0:13:26 > 0:13:29and then stood back and watched her head explode.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34And another shop, Abercrombie and Fitch,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37they were famously sued in America because they had a policy
0:13:37 > 0:13:41of only employing young, very attractive people.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45I thought, "D'you think Argos has the exact opposite policy?"
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Thank you very much, Jo Caulfield!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:51 > 0:13:54OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59The subject is health. Who wants to come in on that? Carl.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Right, I suffer from recurring stomach problems
0:14:03 > 0:14:05which sometimes lead me into embarrassing situations.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10One happened when about two years ago I went to see Alicia Keys live in concert at the O2 Arena.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12That's not the embarrassing bit.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15En route to meet friends to go to the show,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I stopped at my doctor's to get a little check-up
0:14:17 > 0:14:20and he said it was all fine but he wanted a stool sample,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22so he gave me a pot and said "Drop it in in the morning."
0:14:22 > 0:14:24So I put it in my bag and then went to meet friends
0:14:24 > 0:14:26for a drink before the show.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28About half an hour passed, I felt movement.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I thought, "I'd better do it now,"
0:14:30 > 0:14:32So I went to a pub toilet and I did my sample in a pot
0:14:32 > 0:14:34and put it back in my bag, went out,
0:14:34 > 0:14:37didn't tell my friends what I'd done, we just carried on drinking.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Half an hour later, it's showtime, we went to the O2 Arena,
0:14:40 > 0:14:42where I'd never been before, to see Alicia Keys.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47And I reckon it was about 30 metres from the front of the queue
0:14:47 > 0:14:51where I found out about their compulsory bag search system.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Have you ever tried to explain to a security guard
0:14:54 > 0:14:59why you're trying to smuggle a stool sample into an Alicia Keys concert?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00It's tough. When he pulled it out,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I've never heard more shock in a man's voice.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05He just went, "What is this?!" And I freaked out
0:15:05 > 0:15:08and said the first thing that came into my head,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10so I went, "It's a pot of shit."
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Which he then repeated louder, right.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16He just sort of went, "A po' o' shi',"
0:15:16 > 0:15:19and it went back down the queue like Chinese whispers.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22About 20 people back, I think I heard somebody go,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25"I think there's a guy with a bowl of chips at the front or something."
0:15:25 > 0:15:27So I'm just there, totally embarrassed.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Didn't know what to do, I'm almost crying.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33I explained my story, the guy gets his supervisor who comes over and this is a great response.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I was, honestly, like, "I've got a bug, sorry."
0:15:36 > 0:15:38And he listens to all that and goes,
0:15:38 > 0:15:40"All right, I believe you. You can keep it."
0:15:40 > 0:15:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:49 > 0:15:51OK, that leaves us with Milton.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56The subject is relatives.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07The scariest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life
0:16:07 > 0:16:09was when I was very little.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12My dad said, "I'm just going to pop upstairs,"
0:16:12 > 0:16:14and he went upstairs and he popped.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I didn't speak to my dad.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Well, he was a bus driver, you're not allowed to.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29My brother - he's allergic to cheese.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Not the taste. It's just if anyone says the word, he goes, "Bleugh!"
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Doesn't happen very often,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38but we've got some weird family photos.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45My grandfather - he was a GI and he was in the RAF,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47OK, he was a giraffe.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51During the war, when board games were illegal,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54he was put in prison for being a Yahtzee sympathiser.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01My uncle, he was a security guard at the O2 Arena.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Thank you very much.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Points in that round go to Milton Jones. Everybody come back.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:17:20 > 0:17:24On the board are six categories. Carl, which category would you like?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Sports, please. OK, grand.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Sport, it is.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31The answer is chickens, nurses and rain. What is the question?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Is it what does Heston Blumenthal put in a trifle?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Is it name three things?
0:17:45 > 0:17:50Is it what are the most used sound effects in the radio drama
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59There's been another monsoon from the chickens!
0:18:00 > 0:18:01What do you know?
0:18:01 > 0:18:05The actor's Scottish in Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08"Doctor, doctor, I think this chicken is drowning!"
0:18:08 > 0:18:13What were the three main things featured in the film Golden Dawn?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Is it what three things have a higher IQ
0:18:16 > 0:18:19than the entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28A little harsh on the nurses that, isn't it?
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Is it all the things that my gran says are stealing her money
0:18:32 > 0:18:34when I go and visit her in the care home?
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Is it what additional three things
0:18:43 > 0:18:46did Churchill think we should fight them on?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52"We will fight them on the chickens,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54"we will fight them on the nurses,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56"and on the rain."
0:19:02 > 0:19:07Is it what Greece are planning to use as currency when they leave the euro?
0:19:08 > 0:19:09OK, what's the correct answer?
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Name three things you won't find in a chicken nugget.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17OK, pipe down. Correct...
0:19:17 > 0:19:22Is it what are the opening stage directions in the television drama
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Chickens, nurses, rain. A man walks through the fog...
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I thought it was a hospital I'm working in now, is it?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38What was the name of Foghorn Leghorn's controversial early career porn film?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I'm sorry, I want to do more chicken hospital.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47Clear! Cluck!
0:19:47 > 0:19:51We've lost him.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54That's finishing off the chicken at the end.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Doctor, get me the baster.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Can we please...? We're just amusing ourselves now.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05It's what three things will feature in the Olympic Opening Ceremony.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis. That's absolutely right.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11APPLAUSE
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Yes, the question I was looking for is,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16what are some of the more unusual items to feature
0:20:16 > 0:20:18in the London Olympic Opening Ceremony on 27th July?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20This is the news that artistic director Danny Boyle
0:20:20 > 0:20:25has revealed some of his plans to transform the Olympic Stadium into the British countryside.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27The ceremony will include real farmyard animals,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30a cast of 10,000 volunteers, including a troop of NHS nurses
0:20:30 > 0:20:33and, just in case it doesn't rain on the night,
0:20:33 > 0:20:35clouds suspended over the stadium which will produce rain.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39See, that's interesting as I didn't think that's why he was doing it.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I thought he was doing it cos he's a film-maker
0:20:41 > 0:20:45and he's making a film version of Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48And everyone will be going, "But where are all the Scottish accents?"
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Doctor, this chicken seems to be ill. Clear!
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Cluck!
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Oh, it's going to be amazing!
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Real farmyard animals will feature in the show, which will be 70 sheep,
0:21:00 > 0:21:0312 horses, three cows, two goats, ten chickens, ten ducks, nine geese,
0:21:03 > 0:21:08three sheepdogs, a cat, a bird, a spider, a fly and an old woman.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13And the major question is will she die?
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Of course. She's dead of course.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19They're going to transform the Olympic Stadium for 27 million
0:21:19 > 0:21:21into the great British countryside?
0:21:21 > 0:21:2627 million. All people really give a shit about are the fireworks.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Spend 26 and a half million on fireworks,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31give everybody a toffee apple,
0:21:31 > 0:21:35a giant bonfire with a ticket tout on top.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39They're going to great lengths with this British countryside thing.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44They have hired actors, who are going to depict a family having a picnic in the countryside.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47They're hiring another actor to dress up as a wasp,
0:21:47 > 0:21:48who's not going to leave them alone.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Finally, at the end, they light the flame.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57Well, I say flame, they're lighting a pyre of cattle that have died from foot-and-mouth.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00The whole idea is he's trying to make it the most British thing.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05But I reckon the funniest thing, the most British thing he could do, is have it cancelled on the day,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08and have an Opening Ceremony replacement service.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I don't trust any of the Olympic preparations,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18cos have you heard what they're going to do as a security precaution?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21They're going to have a destroyer in the middle of the Thames.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24How do they think Al-Qaeda are going to attack?
0:22:24 > 0:22:29Some sort of armada coming up the river and then across the stadium...
0:22:29 > 0:22:32They won't be expecting this.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34They won't be ready for this.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35HUMS HAWAII FIVE-O THEME
0:22:35 > 0:22:39The Closing Ceremony is just going to be Boris Johnson in overalls
0:22:39 > 0:22:43and wellies, with a shot gun, going, "Get off my land."
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Have you got tickets? Are you going?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48No, I have not. I disapprove of the whole thing.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50And I think most Londoners don't want it anyway.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Two things they hate most - exercise and tourists.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57There's a huge investigation now.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01The IOC are investigating corruption and touting.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06The IOC investigating corruption is like FIFA investigating corruption.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08But they've always been corrupt.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12It's like my grandfather - he won the limbo dancing competition years ago in the Olympics,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14but they wouldn't give him a medal.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16They said he just came last in the high jump.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31so make your way over to the performance area, please.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35I'll read out the topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39OK, the first subject is unlikely things to hear at Euro 2012.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45And there we see in the stands John Terry's wife,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48and with his arm around her, Rio Ferdinand.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Well, this French team has three strikers.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Luckily, the other eight have agreed greed to play.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Tonight's game is in the incredible city of Kiev.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10The outskirts are sort of crispy-crumbly.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15And Holland are two down.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Yes, I've finished the crossword!
0:24:20 > 0:24:24And the Greeks have reached the quarterfinal.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28If only they'd had a massive bet on that.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Oh, that's a bad one, you can see the bone sticking right out.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39These Ukrainian meat pies really are awful.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44And now over to Mark Lawrenson
0:24:44 > 0:24:47who has something really interesting to say.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Well, I've never seen that on a pitch before.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56It seems the referee really is a wanker.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04No, mate. This is row six.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07You're row 2012.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Here in Ukraine, we launch campaign.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Kick football out of racism.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29And that is some incredible dribbling from the Irish supporters.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31JEERS FROM AUDIENCE
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Sorry!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40And things are about to turn ugly
0:25:40 > 0:25:43as we go back to the studio to Adrian Chiles.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50And it's Germany against Greece,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53the ultimate dilemma for the British Royal Family.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00And that is quite simply some wonderful defending there
0:26:00 > 0:26:02from John Terry's legal team.
0:26:04 > 0:26:09Well, the Russians and Ukrainians are going to settle this with a shootout.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12No penalties, just a shootout.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18So, Germany are camped in the Polish half.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Not for the first time.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27And Rooney's trying to get round the keeper,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30but his keeper's not letting him out of his cage.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35OK the next topic is
0:26:35 > 0:26:38things you wouldn't hear on a political discussion show.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Sorry, did I interrupt you?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51No. No, no, no, no, sir. No, no, you've had your say.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Now shut the fuck up.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Round the table tonight - Eric Pickles.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03And round another table - four other politicians.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09BELFAST ACCENT: Sadomasochism is a perversion.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12But we will clamp down on it.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19And tonight we'll be discussing Greece.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22First question - who'd win in a fight, Danny Zuko or Kenickie?
0:27:25 > 0:27:26So, Nick Clegg,
0:27:26 > 0:27:31which of your two faces would you like to answer that question with?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Yes, I agree, Britain's performance in the second quarter
0:27:39 > 0:27:42has not been all we hoped for. But there is reason for that.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46This is a tough job and I'm shit at it.
0:27:49 > 0:27:54We will not let Abu Hamza off the hook.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Well, Mr Dimbleby, my question is,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03if I were a beleaguered European economy,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05how would you stimulate my growth?
0:28:05 > 0:28:08And that goes to contestant number three.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Of course I understand
0:28:13 > 0:28:16that people are worried about schools and hospitals,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19but what you don't understand is I don't give a shit.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Is anyone else horny?
0:28:29 > 0:28:33And now we're going to head over and see what the POLLS are telling us.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Hello!
0:28:37 > 0:28:41Are they Chinese now? Chinese, yeah, they are.
0:28:41 > 0:28:46It sounds like Powish, the way we say it here in Powand.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Right, now let's go over to Wales and see what they're saying to us.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Moooo!
0:28:57 > 0:29:00And so we have a question here for the Prime Minister,
0:29:00 > 0:29:02from Nancy Cameron, aged eight,
0:29:02 > 0:29:06and it's, "When are you going to pick me up, Daddy?".
0:29:09 > 0:29:12At the end of that round, the points go to Carl, Jo and Andy.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:17 > 0:29:19And that's the end of the show.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23This week's winners are Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:26 > 0:29:31Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Jo Caulfield and Carl Donnelly.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:37 > 0:29:43# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:29:43 > 0:29:48# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:29:48 > 0:29:54# Read all about it
0:29:54 > 0:29:57# News of the world News of the world. #
0:30:02 > 0:30:05Everything to look forward to, on BBC Four.