0:00:04 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:10 > 0:00:14# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:21# Read all about it
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# ..Read all about it
0:00:29 > 0:00:32# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week
0:00:39 > 0:00:42are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Marcus Brigstocke.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:51INAUDIBLE CHAT
0:00:53 > 0:00:55We start tonight with a round called
0:00:55 > 0:00:57If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59On the board are six categories. Gary, which would you like?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I would like Home News, please, Dara.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04OK, the category is Home News.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08And the answer is 35 billion. What is the question?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Is it, how many times have people hit refresh
0:01:11 > 0:01:13on the NatWest website this week?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Is it, in fact, how much I told the NatWest call centre
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I have in my account at the moment?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Is it, what is God's next significant birthday?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Is it, how many days do we have left of the Olympic torch relay?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36After how many years
0:01:36 > 0:01:39does a bottle of Cillit Bang become safe to handle?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Is it how many calories there are
0:01:44 > 0:01:46in a cheese and Eric Pickles sandwich?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Is, in fact, if you borrow a pound off Wonga.com,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52how much you will have to pay back?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Is it, according to the Daily Mail,
0:01:55 > 0:01:59how many children does an average Somalian family have?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Is it, how many episodes have there been
0:02:04 > 0:02:05of the long-running drama,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:11 > 0:02:14You've got to stop going on about that, Hugh.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18You've just got to... CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN: ..buck up.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Is it what number Dappy from N-Dubz is in line to the throne?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Is it, how much will I win if War Horse
0:02:27 > 0:02:28wins the Derby?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31LAUGHTER
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Is it, how many years older than her face
0:02:33 > 0:02:35does Madonna's neck look?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Is it, how many extra tissues have been used worldwide
0:02:44 > 0:02:47since the publication of Fifty Shades of Grey?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Is it very moving, then, is it?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Makes you cry, does it? I've not read it.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I'd like to move towards the correct answer.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57I know the answer. How many comedians
0:02:57 > 0:02:59have phoned their accountants this week?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Is this, actually, how much is our tax gap in the UK?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Absolutely right. Thank you, Zoe Lyons.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Well done. Very good.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13APPLAUSE
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18how much money does the Treasury lose due to tax avoidance in a year?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20This comes in a week when a number of famous faces
0:03:20 > 0:03:22were linked to tax avoidance schemes.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Prime Minister David Cameron was criticised
0:03:24 > 0:03:26for singling out comedian Jimmy Carr's behaviour
0:03:26 > 0:03:28as "morally wrong," while remaining silent
0:03:28 > 0:03:32on other individuals' questionable tax arrangements.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35So who wants to comment on this?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Who wants to get onto their moral high horse?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41The thing was, the viewing figures for Eight Out Of Ten Cats
0:03:41 > 0:03:42doubled last week? Yes.
0:03:42 > 0:03:48So I think it's only fair, you, as the host of Mock The Week,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51either you need to do some dodgy accountancy practices
0:03:51 > 0:03:53or maybe just host a prostitute-Nazi party
0:03:53 > 0:03:56and we'll all expect an invite.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Can I do plan B?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I've got a brilliant tax avoidance scheme
0:04:01 > 0:04:03that I use personally.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06It's just, earn sod all. That's how I...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08This scheme basically, the K2 scheme,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11is where they sort of hide your money for a while
0:04:11 > 0:04:14and then they give it you back at a later date. Yes.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16There's a much easier way of doing that.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Just bank with NatWest.
0:04:18 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:24 > 0:04:27I feel sorry for Jersey, because they're now trying to shake off
0:04:27 > 0:04:29the, sort of, tax avoidance tag
0:04:29 > 0:04:31and get back to their traditional reputation
0:04:31 > 0:04:32as Nazi sympathisers.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35They all have really aggressive names.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38They're called K2, and Peak Performance and Ice Breaker.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41It is very difficult to tell tax avoidance schemes
0:04:41 > 0:04:43from protein shakes.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46They do sound like something that will both save you money
0:04:46 > 0:04:48and build muscle mass.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Do you know who I feel really bad for?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Who I think suffered the most?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Is it the children? No, not the children.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Why don't you care about the children?! What the hell?!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00You're heartless! I don't NOT care about the children!
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Do you know who I feel sorry for? Alan Carr.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Alan Carr has probably in the last week
0:05:05 > 0:05:07fielded any number of questions from people
0:05:07 > 0:05:10who didn't quite know which one it was.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Alan Carr has just about shaken off people going,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15"How do I stop smoking?"
0:05:17 > 0:05:19And now he's got to talk about tax avoidance.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22The person I feel sorry for is the lady who's apparently got
0:05:22 > 0:05:24the @NatWest Twitter name,
0:05:24 > 0:05:28a lady called Natalie Westerman.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31The amount of abuse she's had this week!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34None of us can claim complete cleanliness in terms of tax avoidance,
0:05:34 > 0:05:36particularly if you're self-employed,
0:05:36 > 0:05:38because there are schemes,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40film investment schemes, for example,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42that a lot of people have put money into.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I myself, I have to say this, am part of a film investment scheme.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I have put all my savings into the big budget production
0:05:48 > 0:05:51of Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Well, I think that's very wise. I do.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Well, you're involved as well.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I mean, because, I play the role of Morag, the nurse.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58in Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I think we're going to make a lot of money back.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Me and Hugh are involved, yeah.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13CHRIS: Does that say, "Directed by Alfred Hitchcock?"
0:06:13 > 0:06:16It's nice to know where the budget for this show goes, isn't it?
0:06:16 > 0:06:20I want it noted how well I look as a nurse.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Surprisingly fitting.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Big shoulders, er...
0:06:23 > 0:06:27GARY: You've got a hint of the Readers' Wives about you there.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31If you turned up at my bed in a hospital
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I'd discharge myself straightaway.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Listen, I have no doubt that you'd discharge yourself.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Why have Michael Gove and Nick Clegg clashed recently?
0:06:45 > 0:06:46It's Gove, as in move. Movement.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48It's pronounced, "Goove".
0:06:48 > 0:06:51"Goove"? Yeah, Michael "Goove". It's Michael "Goove"?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54It's Michael "Goove". You say this and I'd have to go with it,
0:06:54 > 0:06:55because I've no idea.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57It's true. It's pronounced, "Goove".
0:06:57 > 0:07:01OK, why have Michael "Goove" and Nicholas "Claig"...
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Why have Michael...thing...?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Because, Michael "Goove"
0:07:10 > 0:07:15announced a massive education reform proposal
0:07:15 > 0:07:19and didn't tell either David Cameron or Nick Clegg,
0:07:19 > 0:07:23or anyone else, including his friends and family.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26They're looking to sort of bring back O- and A-levels,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29because they think that GCSEs have been devalued
0:07:29 > 0:07:30by people getting too many good grades.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I don't think that's the issue.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35It's just that they've just moved the marking centre to Liverpool,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38so now it's all... LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "A, A, A, A, A!"
0:07:38 > 0:07:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:43 > 0:07:44After tuition fees, though,
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Nick Clegg talking anything about education
0:07:47 > 0:07:49is somewhat tricky, isn't it? And obviously, you know,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I feel that students will never, ever forgive him
0:07:52 > 0:07:54for his U-turn on tuition fees.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56So maybe he should just go the other way,
0:07:56 > 0:07:58and actually have MORE of a go at students,
0:07:58 > 0:08:00because I think it could be a vote winner.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02So maybe try and tax Lynx aftershave,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04tax Super Noodles,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07tax people with their pants showing.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11I think it could be, could be on to something.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Is it weird,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18because I didn't come through that system....is it..?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21No, and I think it shows.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22I think it shows.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26I did come through A system, thank you very much.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28What system did you come through, then?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I came through the Irish education system,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33where we don't tinker quite as much as you do.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Don't make that joke! Don't make that joke!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39It's been the same for years, the Irish education system.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Because you're graded from
0:08:41 > 0:08:43too-ra-loo-ra-As down to fiddle-dee-Ds.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Applause?! ANDY: We're all looking for the Chris Addison
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Dublin gig on the next tour.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55No, going with the O-levels,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58was there some special magical time with the O-levels?
0:08:58 > 0:08:59HUGH: The O levels? Yes.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02It was a magical time, but it was roughly the same time
0:09:02 > 0:09:04as I lost my virginity, that's why.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06That was a hell of a French oral.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Yes.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Is calling for the O-levels the political equivalent of going,
0:09:16 > 0:09:18"Oh, I wish they'd put Top Of The Pops back on."
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Yeah, spinsters on bikes.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22He basically wants the '80s back.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26He wants everyone driving an Austin Allegro, because they were great.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I get the impression you lost your virginity in an Austin Allegro...
0:09:29 > 0:09:30No.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I think you lost it TO an Austin Allegro.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34My, that exhaust pipe was hot.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I lost mine to an escort. Does that count?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:43 > 0:09:46At the end of that round, the points go
0:09:46 > 0:09:47to Chris, Hugh and Gary.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news,
0:09:57 > 0:09:58and ask Hugh to suggest
0:09:58 > 0:10:00what might be being said.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05HUGH AS PRINCE CHARLES: Right, here we go. Next pub.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Five down, four to go. Six pints in each.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12HE LAUGHS Oh, what an enormous television!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I can put my hand right through! How do you do that?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Is it 3D? It's very real.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22HUGH AS WELSH BARMAN: We ARE real. We're a serving hatch in a pub.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Yes, I knew that...
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Anyway, I tell you what. I'll have a pint of that, please.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32That is a charity collecting tin.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35AUDIENCE LAUGHS Is it? I knew that! I knew that!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38In that case, I'll have whatever's in the barrel.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40A pint of Clungeplunger, please.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42And a packet of porky scratchings.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Unless you've got any biscuits. Duchy Originals.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I don't have to pay for them, you see,
0:10:46 > 0:10:48because I own the company.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51AUDIENCE LAUGHS I was saying to these fellas,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I only drink warm bitter at the moment.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Well, you would, if you'd spent four hours
0:10:58 > 0:11:00on a sodding royal barge
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Yes, feel that. Still freezing. It's weeks ago. Freezing!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Feel my hands. Still freezing.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Oh, look! Lovely. A pint of bitter. I love bitter, don't you?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10It's almost as British
0:11:10 > 0:11:12as will.i.am wants to be.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15AUDIENCE LAUGHS Anyway, down the hatch.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19# Get it down you, Zulu warrior! #
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Oh, no, that's a bit off, I think.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Yes, I tell you what,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I think the old pipes need a bit of a clean.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29As they said to Prince Philip.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I tell you what, here's a question.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Are pints getting smaller or is my hand getting bigger?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41# Show me the way to go home
0:11:41 > 0:11:43# Can you show me the way to go home? #
0:11:43 > 0:11:46To be honest, it could be almost anywhere
0:11:46 > 0:11:49because I have an enormous number of homes.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53I tell you what, why don't you join us
0:11:53 > 0:11:56on the next stage of the pub crawl?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I think it might be The Crown and The Sceptre.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03That's as close as I'm going to get to either of them.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well done, Hugh! Well done!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:13 > 0:12:16OK, now we play a round called Shut Your Loophole.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18This game involves Gary, Zoe and Chris.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21So, if you could make your way to the performance area.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23This is a stand up challenge. I launch the wheel of news
0:12:23 > 0:12:24and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27someone must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Here we go. Let's spin the wheel. WHEEL WHIRS
0:12:32 > 0:12:34First subject is the internet.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Who wants to come in on that? Zoe.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Ah, the internet! Love the internet.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42That actually reminds me, cos I've got to keep an eye on the time.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45I'm bidding on something on eBay this evening.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46It's Greece.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48LAUGHTER
0:12:48 > 0:12:51It's just me and Germany going head-to-head.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Fingers crossed!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54I've got one of those Twitter trolls.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I'm hip with the kids. I've got a Twitter troll.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59They're horrible things, though, these Twitter trolls
0:12:59 > 0:13:01because they send you abuse online.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03The thing I really hate about it is it's anonymous.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06That's what really annoys me. It's the awful things they say.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08"You're not funny, Zoe Lyons."
0:13:08 > 0:13:10"Call yourself a comedian?!"
0:13:10 > 0:13:12"Of all of my children, you're the least favourite."
0:13:12 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:18 > 0:13:20I get a lot of junk mail as well. People find it annoying,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22but I think it's always worth going through.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23You might miss a bargain.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Only this week I went through my junk mail
0:13:25 > 0:13:28and now I have cleverly consolidated all of my bank accounts
0:13:28 > 0:13:31into one Nigerian account... LAUGHTER
0:13:31 > 0:13:34..and I have a much bigger penis.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:39 > 0:13:42OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44WHEEL WHIRS
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Travel. Who wants to come in on that?
0:13:46 > 0:13:47I'll do that! Chris!
0:13:49 > 0:13:52It's getting very expensive to travel abroad.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53I don't fly abroad any more.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55You could go by easyJet, but I don't fly easyJet.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59I'm too scared to fly easyJet. I'm sure they're perfectly safe.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00I'm sure their pilots are second to none,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03best planes you could ask for,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05but imagine if you were on an easyJet flight,
0:14:05 > 0:14:10and you did crash on a snowy mountain top and you all survived.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Would you want to eat those people?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I won't have a shepherds pie from Asda.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I'm not having some woman in cerise leggings.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29It's not happening.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34easyJet is essentially a middle class plot to keep BA to ourselves.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37It's the same reason we're opening up M Food on the motorway.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39That's so we've got somewhere to stop
0:14:39 > 0:14:42where you're not sat next to someone going, "What's a COCKING panini?!"
0:14:45 > 0:14:47And now, thank God, Waitrose on the motorway.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50I was in Waitrose...
0:14:50 > 0:14:53not on the motorway...I was in Waitrose near where I live,
0:14:53 > 0:14:57and there was a woman ahead of me in the basket queue.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00She had two items in her basket.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03She had a tin of SlimFast
0:15:03 > 0:15:05and a pregnancy test kit.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07LAUGHTER
0:15:07 > 0:15:09She was thinking, "Well, it's one or the other."
0:15:09 > 0:15:11APPLAUSE
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Thank you very much, Chris.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Well done.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18OK, that leave us with Gary.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Let's see what topic you have. Let's spin the wheel.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24And it's Relationships.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Right. Relationships.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32It's good to be here. Last time I was here, a girl asked me for sex.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I had to disappoint her.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35We had sex.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I'm trying to learn to be a more sensitive lover.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I got a DVD, How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43It was really good.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the beginning.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I couldn't be bothered with that.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Last night I had beef stew with dumplings.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I shouldn't call her that, but she's a big girl.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I went to see the stalactites at Cheddar Gorge,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03and our guide asked us not to try and crack one off,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05and she wasn't even that attractive.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I still managed.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10It was very dark.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12This morning,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators' support group.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17But it turns out it's tomorrow.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I think a few men started clapping before the end of that joke, by the way.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31My girlfriend's dog died.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34So to cheer her up, I got her an identical one. She was livid.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36"What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
0:16:40 > 0:16:42A friend of mine had a penis extension.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Now his house looks really stupid.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Very good.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53At the end of that round, the points go to Gary Delaney!
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Well done.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Come back, come back.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Our next round is called Headliners.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Here's a picture of the England football team,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10but what does PHFE stand for?
0:17:10 > 0:17:15Is it everything that the England football team are no good at?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Passing, Headers, Footwork, Everything.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20(ANDY PARSONS) I think if it's to do with Rooney,
0:17:20 > 0:17:24I reckon it's Potato Head Fancies Elderly.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Or Pretend Hair For Ever.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Is it what Steven Gerrard thinks is wrong with the team.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Is it...
0:17:38 > 0:17:42MOCK SCOUSE ACCENT: Passin', Headin', Football, Ehh...
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I think it's proof that education needs reform.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Two of those men were asked to write GCSE.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Do you know that if you dial the number on their shorts,
0:17:56 > 0:17:58you get through to a helpline?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Ashley Cole is covering his ears
0:18:03 > 0:18:07as if trying to protect himself from some awful screech, so is it...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Player Hears From Ex?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Is it just simply Players' Heads Found Empty?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Is it an extract from Boris Johnson's commentary?
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Peasants, Halfwits, Fools, Ectophytes!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I'm going to move you towards a correct answer.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Pregnant Hooker Frightens England.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Very close.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Is it, as it sadly always is, Penalty Heartache For England?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Yes, it is. Thank you very much, Zoe.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40APPLAUSE
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Yes, the answer I was looking for was Penalty Heartache For England.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46This is the news that, after reaching the quarter-final stages
0:18:46 > 0:18:49of Euro 2012, England suffered penalty agony yet again,
0:18:49 > 0:18:50as they crashed out of the tournament
0:18:50 > 0:18:54in a shoot-out against Italy, watched by a peak audience of 23 million people.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Were you all watching it? Yes.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Yes. We weren't very good, were we? We couldn't hold the ball very well.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02And there was one moment, wasn't there? Where the referee...
0:19:02 > 0:19:05There was an Italian injury, and so he had to stop the play,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08and then he gave the ball back to the English players,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11but explained to them that he wanted them to give it back
0:19:11 > 0:19:12to the Italians.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15And I was thinking, "He didn't have to explain. They were going to do that anyway."
0:19:15 > 0:19:18"Just let the game proceed as normal for 30 seconds.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"They'll get it, they'll get it, they'll get it back."
0:19:21 > 0:19:24The whole game was very unfair. The Italians had a ball. Why didn't we have one?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30We lost on penalties didn't we? Right, which was very disappointing,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32and we went out. But if you look on the bright side,
0:19:32 > 0:19:36really all that's happened is we would've played Germany in the next round,
0:19:36 > 0:19:40so all's that happened is we've lost on penalties four days earlier than we would've.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43In many ways, we've got those four days back.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45We've got those four days back.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I think that it was a very telling statistic, wasn't it?
0:19:48 > 0:19:53That England's most frequent passer was Ashley Cole, with 44 passes,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55including the last one, of course,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58to the Italian goalkeeper in the form of a penalty.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Who was their second most frequent passer?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Would it have been Joe Hart, the goalkeeper?
0:20:02 > 0:20:05He was playing with a lot of excitement.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Joe Hart in the goal, though. God love him, he did his best. He did a great job.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10He did his little kind of bear thing before each penalty.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13He was like, "Rrr. I'm your little tiger,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16"I'm going be a tiger, and I'm going to scare you."
0:20:16 > 0:20:19He was doing little mimes in the goal-line.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22It was more like an uncle with a three-year-old.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25"Oh, I'm a bear. I'm going to chase you."
0:20:25 > 0:20:27"You want to kick the ball now?"
0:20:27 > 0:20:31"Who's got a good kick? Who's got a good kick?"
0:20:31 > 0:20:33"Ooooh. Oooh."
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Oh, you have got a good kick. Yes.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40My favourite quarter-final was, in fact, Greece against Germany,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43because I was hoping when the referee tossed the coin
0:20:43 > 0:20:46at the beginning, the Greek captain would nick it and piss off.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49APPLAUSE
0:20:51 > 0:20:54It seems to me... I'm a non-football fan.
0:20:54 > 0:20:59The penalty thing seems a very cruel and arbitrary way of sorting it out.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Cos they could do so many exciting things,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04like keep playing and every two minutes, take a player off.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Yep. Once you're down to five, introduce a lion.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Do you know what I mean?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Just lively and fun. There'd be a definite ending then.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14And, you know, fewer players and stuff like that.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Blindfold them, or, like pinball, Two Ball Screwball.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Every two minutes, put another ball on the pitch. Multi-ball.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22People have suggested multi-ball in the past. I like Zombie Ball,
0:21:22 > 0:21:24where you introduce a zombie
0:21:24 > 0:21:26and the zombie bites people and they become zombies.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30And eventually you've only a few players left or whatever.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33What happens if Rooney gets bitten, though? How would you know?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37APPLAUSE
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Wayne Rooney said that having an English manager made it easier
0:21:42 > 0:21:45to understand tactic talks.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47And, er...
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Those are not the words he'd have used, "tactics talks".
0:21:49 > 0:21:52He'd have gone on that. Yes. "T-t-t-t..."
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Because Fabio Capello was the previous manager
0:21:55 > 0:21:57and didn't speak English particularly well.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00But Fabio Capello then went on the radio when he heard, and said...
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Tssss!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Saucer of milk for Fabio Capello!
0:22:14 > 0:22:18I think there are consolations to this tournament being over.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Now at last we don't have to hear politicians talking about it,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24which is my least favourite thing about international football tournaments,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27when politicians try to be a man of the people, it's excruciating.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Much worse when it's Cameron, cos he's so manifestly posh.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Hearing him going, "That's why I say, 'Come on, England!'
0:22:33 > 0:22:36"I shall be wearing my second best top hat and my lucky monocle
0:22:36 > 0:22:38"all the way through Euro 2012!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41"I love football, it's so rare you get to see working-class people
0:22:41 > 0:22:44"running about without having to chase them yourself with a stick."
0:22:44 > 0:22:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:48 > 0:22:51On the plus side, though, the England fans were well-behaved.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Cos there was a lot of talk
0:22:53 > 0:22:57about the Polish and their abusive chanting and their hooliganism.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01And, of course, that's what England used to be the best in the world at.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05One more thing that now the Poles do better than we do.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06APPLAUSE
0:23:06 > 0:23:11OK, at the end of that round the points go to Marcus, Zoe and Andy.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17So if everyone makes their way to the performance area...
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I'll read the week's topics. We'll see what our panellists come up with.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Unlikely Things To Read On A Health Insurance Form.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Would you describe the condition of your heart as A - Very good,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34B - Mediumly good, or C -...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36BOO!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38BUZZER
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Do you ever...
0:23:42 > 0:23:43temporary blackouts?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:46 > 0:23:49BUZZER
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Do objects in the middle distance appear to be coming to me,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55to you, to me, to you?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58You may be suffering from ChuckleVision.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00APPLAUSE BUZZER
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Are you suffering from, or have you ever had an STD?
0:24:07 > 0:24:08You slag!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11BUZZER
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Are you the only black guy in a horror film?
0:24:15 > 0:24:19APPLAUSE BUZZER
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Have you ever experienced a burning sensation when you pee?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Were you drunk at the time
0:24:26 > 0:24:28and holding a cigarette at the same time?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30BUZZER
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Please describe your alcohol intake.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Moderate, average, excessive...
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Glaswegian.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41APPLAUSE BUZZER
0:24:43 > 0:24:44What's your blood type?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47"It can do 50 words-a-minute, innit, bruv."
0:24:49 > 0:24:52BUZZER APPLAUSE
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Buddhists...
0:24:55 > 0:24:57what was your last cause of death?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:00 > 0:25:01BUZZER
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Do you suffer from dyslexia?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08If so, please put a bick in this tox.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10BUZZER
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Do you smoke?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Can I have one?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19BUZZER
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Do you hear voices? No. Are you deaf? No.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28So you do hear voices? Yes. I'm sorry, you have lied.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30BUZZER
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Would you describe yourself as very fit, quite fit...
0:25:34 > 0:25:36or a bit of a minger?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38BUZZER
0:25:40 > 0:25:45Do you suffer from dizziness, double vision or seizures?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Then why did you take a penalty for England?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BUZZER
0:25:51 > 0:25:53OK, the next topic is...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Unlikely Lines From A War Movie.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Bad luck, Sir Winston.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I'm afraid the Second World War's gone to penalties.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BUZZER
0:26:07 > 0:26:12I'm going to go and rescue a horse that's trapped in the wire.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14You put the potatoes on.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15BUZZER
0:26:19 > 0:26:21We've located the battleship.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25It is in the squares B5, B6, B7, 8, 9.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28APPLAUSE BUZZER
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I was sent upriver in Vietnam,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37tasked with killing a renegade colonel.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41That was one hell of a gap year.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43BUZZER APPLAUSE
0:26:47 > 0:26:49I haven't seen a case of trench foot this bad
0:26:49 > 0:26:51since the Isle Of Wight Festival.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52BUZZER
0:26:55 > 0:26:59It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Anyway, enough about that Tulisa video.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:27:03 > 0:27:04BUZZER
0:27:07 > 0:27:12Well, if nothing else, this is going to make a lovely tapestry.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:27:14 > 0:27:16BUZZER
0:27:20 > 0:27:25We're at 5,000 fathoms. BING! The hull will never take it, Captain!
0:27:25 > 0:27:29BING! And you going, "BING" isn't helping either!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31BUZZER
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Louie, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40But only if you dress up as a nurse and give me a discharge.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42BUZZER
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Sir, new intelligence has come in from the letters page
0:27:46 > 0:27:50of the Daily Mail, and it seems Herr Hitler has a point.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53BUZZER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:55 > 0:27:57I can't stand the sound of the guns.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Why did I move to Tottenham?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:02 > 0:28:04BUZZER
0:28:06 > 0:28:10In the Marines, our motto is, "No-one gets left behind."
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Private Cameron, where is your daughter?
0:28:13 > 0:28:15BUZZER
0:28:15 > 0:28:17APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:22We make an amphibious landing here.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24We scale the cliff, avoid the sweeper,
0:28:24 > 0:28:28bounce on the big balls and I'll meet you in the Wipeout zone.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30APPLAUSE BUZZER
0:28:30 > 0:28:34Chaps, we're about to go over the top.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37I have a message for you from High Command. It simply says...
0:28:37 > 0:28:40# War! What is it good for?
0:28:40 > 0:28:42# Absolutely nothin' Say it again now!
0:28:42 > 0:28:45# War! # BUZZER
0:28:45 > 0:28:47APPLAUSE
0:28:47 > 0:28:52Don't put your stuff in that one, it's got a really catchy edge on it.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54I call it The Hurt Locker.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55BUZZER
0:28:57 > 0:29:01Me-dic! Me-dic! Me-dic!
0:29:01 > 0:29:04I'll tell you what the problem is - I've been shot in me dick!
0:29:04 > 0:29:05BUZZER
0:29:05 > 0:29:08OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Yes!
0:29:14 > 0:29:16And that's the end of the show.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19This week's winners are Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis
0:29:19 > 0:29:22and Gary Delaney. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:24 > 0:29:28Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Marcus Brigstocke.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.
0:29:38 > 0:29:42# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:29:44 > 0:29:47# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:29:49 > 0:29:54# Read all about it
0:29:54 > 0:29:57# News of the world News of the world. #
0:29:57 > 0:30:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd