0:00:03 > 0:00:09# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ava Vidal and Mark Watson,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Before we start tonight,
0:00:55 > 0:00:58I should just point out that this is our 100th show!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01MUSIC: "The Hallelujah Chorus" by Handel
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Yes, hallelujah.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Episode one went out back in June 2005.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Here's a picture of how Andy and I looked back then.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12LAUGHTER
0:01:14 > 0:01:17I do look like an IRA political prisoner.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22I look really like my own grandmother.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24So, our congratulations to Hugh,
0:01:24 > 0:01:28who's the only person who's been on all 100 shows, along with myself.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Well done to Hugh.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31FANFARE
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Not bad, actually.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42We may have to work on our timing here slightly.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45FANFARE
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Not bad. There we are.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Andy's on 95, but he'll never make up that five.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58And it was a different time. 2005, different time.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01You can't go back. Well, you can if you watch Dave.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Pre-Twitter. Pre-Twitter. What did people do?
0:02:06 > 0:02:11Did they just open the windows and go, "Ha-ha-ha! LOL"?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Anyway, we start tonight, however, with our 100th show
0:02:14 > 0:02:16with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23So, who is this and why is he in the news this week?
0:02:23 > 0:02:24That is Bob Diamond.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- Who's Bob Diamond? - He's the CEO of Barclays.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Yes, and why is he in the news? - Because he's resigned.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- Why has he resigned? - Because he's been a bad boy.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38He's resigned cos they've massaged an interest rate,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40manipulated a thing called LIBOR.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- Which is what the Labour Party's called in the Midlands.- Yes.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47What I love is that their chairman resigned. His name is Marcus Agius.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51And you think, "Who's he, commander of the armies of the north?
0:02:51 > 0:02:52"General of the Phoenix Legion?"
0:02:52 > 0:02:56What's he doing? No wonder he didn't know what was going on at Barclays.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58He was preparing for the Conquest of Gaul.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I'm Marcus Meridius Agius,
0:03:00 > 0:03:01chairman of a dodgy bank,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03fall guy for a fiscal scandal,
0:03:03 > 0:03:07and I will have my bonus, in this life or the next.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:10 > 0:03:12A disgraced Roman emperor -
0:03:12 > 0:03:14should he be surrounded by people blowing this?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Every time Marcus Agius walks into the room,
0:03:17 > 0:03:18people should be going...
0:03:18 > 0:03:20FANFARE
0:03:23 > 0:03:26This is one of those scandals where everybody's furious,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29and nobody knows what they're furious about.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Absolutely nobody understands.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34All we know is that Barclays have done something bloody awful and that man should go.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39What is it? I don't know. I don't like him and I think he should go.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Who should? I'm not sure about that either, to be honest.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I'm furious about the whole thing.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47What they did is, they dabbled in a thing called LIBOR,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49which is the London Interbank Offered Rate,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51and they managed to drive it down.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Drive it down? How dare they drive down the Interbank?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Well, that meant your interest rates were lower on your mortgage.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00"Oh, oh, conflicted now."
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I found out my bank were fixing the loan rate.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I went down there every single day and shouted at them.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11But then I consolidated all my anger into one monthly outburst.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I just wonder why everyone's so shocked about Barclays,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22cos they've always been quite dodgy.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24They refused to boycott South Africa years ago.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26That's why I refuse to bank with them, you know.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I'm overdrawn somewhere else.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32That's one in their eye, isn't it?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34That is why I also don't bank with Barclays.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36You know, I feel I did my bit.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39When I was little, I didn't eat South African apples,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42So, you know, I feel, you know, I've done my...
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Yeah, you have. In fact, you were mentioned by Mandela...
0:04:45 > 0:04:47DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Parsons got me through the hard years.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52It was quite easy for me, cos I didn't like apples.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54If it was South African Sherbet Dib Dabs,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I think Mandela could still have been in prison.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Very good. I'm with Barclays.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00I don't say that as a big advertisement.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I bank with Barclays cos when I moved over here I went to Lloyds,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06cos they were the first one I happened to walk past,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08and tried to open an account,
0:05:08 > 0:05:10but Lloyds don't accept Irish passports
0:05:10 > 0:05:12as a valid form of identification.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14LAUGHTER
0:05:14 > 0:05:15I'm flicking through it, going,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18"I've just... Look, China accepted this as a valid form of...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20"All I want to do is give you money,"
0:05:20 > 0:05:23and they're going, "Ooh, I don't know who you are."
0:05:23 > 0:05:26In other news, whose wife took him by surprise this week?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Not mine.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Tom Cruise's wife.- How did she do that?- She's asked him for a divorce.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Doesn't anyone else find this really sad, that they're getting divorced?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Like, if a fake marriage can't pretend to be happy,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44then what hope do the rest of us have?
0:05:44 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I just hope that Tom now doesn't do anything stupid,
0:05:51 > 0:05:55cos you know when you're vulnerable when things go wrong with your relationship,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58you might end up joining a cult, that sort of thing.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01It's a shame for him, cos he thought it was a marriage made in...
0:06:01 > 0:06:03KLINGON-LIKE GIBBERISH
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I found out that apparently he proposed to her
0:06:08 > 0:06:10standing on top of the Eiffel Tower.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Now, I know he's paranoid about his height, but that seemed...
0:06:15 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:18 > 0:06:19I find scientology... I mean,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I don't know much about it, but I can't really take it seriously,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25cos it sounds like the kind of word your uncle would use
0:06:25 > 0:06:28if he was talking to you about careers or something.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33"So you're doing maths, yes? You're doing physics.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35"Well, why don't you become a Scientologist?
0:06:35 > 0:06:36"That's a career."
0:06:36 > 0:06:41It sounds like one of those made-up words that cosmetics companies use.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45You know, "Now Pantene Pro-V with added Scientology."
0:06:45 > 0:06:47A leading Scientologist says,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"Well, in tests, Xenu, the God of space,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52"who dropped his souls into the volcanoes
0:06:52 > 0:06:55"said it kept his skin lovely and smooth."
0:06:55 > 0:06:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:59 > 0:07:02But do you know why it's treated as a religion?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04It's treated as a religion by the US for tax purposes.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06That's something Jimmy Carr could look into.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08LAUGHTER
0:07:08 > 0:07:11"Well, they don't exactly worship me, they just laugh a lot."
0:07:13 > 0:07:15What happened, though,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18was that when he first announced his excitement about Katie Holmes,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20he went on the Oprah Winfrey Show
0:07:20 > 0:07:22and he jumped up and down on her sofa,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24but even that was massively calculated.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27It's hardly a risk jumping up and down on Oprah's sofa.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30If it can take her weight, it can definitely take his.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- AUDIENCE GROANS - Ooh! Well, well, well.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35The Oprah fan club in tonight.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I wasn't thinking that Oprah had that much of a fo...
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Ohhh! Nooo!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41It was one of those where...
0:07:41 > 0:07:44You can say what you want about Tom, but don't go after Oprah.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49That was the best reaction ever, wasn't it? It was, "Ha-ha... Oooh!"
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Would you trust a man who'd been on three missions
0:07:53 > 0:07:55which he said were impossible?
0:07:55 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:00 > 0:08:04OK, points there go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05APPLAUSE
0:08:08 > 0:08:13Now we play a round called Wheel of Cruise - Marriage Impossible 3.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15This game involves Milton and Ava.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19So if you could both make your way to the performance area, please.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:08:23 > 0:08:25our performer must talk about that subject.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Let's spin the wheel.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33The first subject is animals. Who wants to come in on that? Ava.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I'm not a massive animal lover.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I recently found out that I had a mouse in my flat.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Don't look at me like that, I'm not dirty.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47So I called this guy from Rentokil and he comes along,
0:08:47 > 0:08:49and there's something weird about this.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52They don't tell you anything that comforts you.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55So this guy goes to me, "What we're going to have to do
0:08:55 > 0:08:57"is block all the holes in your flat,
0:08:57 > 0:08:58"cos I don't know if you know this,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00"but a mouse can collapse its vertebrae
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"and squeeze through the hole the size of a pencil."
0:09:03 > 0:09:06And I was like, "Jeez! If you have to collapse your vertebrae
0:09:06 > 0:09:10"in order to get in somewhere, perhaps you just shouldn't be there."
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I mean, it's a bit extreme.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15So I was like, "I will not stay in a house that has got mice in it."
0:09:15 > 0:09:17So I moved to my friend's house, but before I went,
0:09:17 > 0:09:19this guy tells me to leave my TV on,
0:09:19 > 0:09:23because the mice might hear it and think that people are actually there.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27And then, as I was staying at my friend's house, it was past midnight,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I was on the sofa, I couldn't sleep and I started getting really angry.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33And I thought, "Here I am in someone else's house
0:09:33 > 0:09:35"and that creature is back in my flat,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37"probably sitting on the sofa watching Rastamouse."
0:09:39 > 0:09:42But I did eventually get rid of them, which was great,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45because it was the worst thing that could happen to me,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47cos I hate mice so much,
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I only ever wear make-up that's tested on animals.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:55 > 0:09:58OK, that leaves us with Milton.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03And the topic is nationality.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10If you're addicted to meths,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12you're either an alcoholic
0:10:12 > 0:10:15or a South African with a real love of numbers.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I've got a friend who got caught shoplifting in Saudi Arabia.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Fortunately, he'd stolen a prosthetic hand.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Unfortunately, it was a second offence.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35So, I'm in France,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38and I saw this little old lady knitting in the town square,
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I said, "Voulez-vous crochet avec moi?"
0:10:44 > 0:10:45I used to teach English in Germany.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48First day, I taught them everything beginning with A,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50second day, everything beginning with B...
0:10:50 > 0:10:51D-Day was a bit tricky.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00So, I'm in a disco in Tehran...
0:11:00 > 0:11:01LAUGHTER
0:11:03 > 0:11:06All these women dancing round a handbag, singing,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08"Iranian men, hallelujah!"
0:11:10 > 0:11:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:15 > 0:11:20Recently, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22He sent me a large goat with a long neck.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Turns out I'd phoned Dial-A-Llama.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Thank you very much. The points there go to Milton.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Thank you very much. You can both come back.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:11:41 > 0:11:45On the board are six categories. Mark, which category would you like?
0:11:45 > 0:11:46- Sport.- Sport, it is.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49The answer is 100. What is the question?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Is it how many metres behind Usain Bolt
0:11:52 > 0:11:54will any British sprinter finish?
0:11:54 > 0:11:59Is it, if I've told you once, how many times have I told you?
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Is it how many cocktail sticks do you have to glue to a mouse
0:12:06 > 0:12:07to make it into a hedgehog?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Is it how many years of hurt will we have to sing about
0:12:13 > 0:12:15if we ever re-release Three Lions?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Is it how many days of rain fell in June?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23How many miles did The Proclaimers walk
0:12:23 > 0:12:26before they realised that girl was being a bit high-maintenance?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Is it how many Sugababes have there been?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Is it what do three baby eagles look like
0:12:35 > 0:12:37when only one of them has hatched?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Is it after Jay-Z's girlfriend first heard the song
0:12:45 > 0:12:50where he refers to her as a bitch, how many problems did he then have?
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Is it how many years is it
0:12:52 > 0:12:56since my grandfather launched the first motorised iceberg?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03What do you mean? Too soon, is it, too soon?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07That can't be off. It can't be off the menu now, for God's sake!
0:13:07 > 0:13:12Did you not know Oprah Winfrey was on the Titanic?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14That's what actually sank it.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Ohhh! A perfect storm of horror.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19APPLAUSE
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Is it what percentage of the Conservative Party
0:13:21 > 0:13:24think Fifty Shades Of Grey is about John Major?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30It's about the Olympic budget, isn't it?
0:13:30 > 0:13:35- It is about the Olympic budget. - And it's how many percent is the Olympic budget over-budget?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Hugh.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38APPLAUSE
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46by what percentage is London 2012 expected to be over-budget?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49This is news that the sports-related costs of the upcoming Games
0:13:49 > 0:13:51are predicted to reach £8.4 billion,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54double the original estimate of 4.2 billion.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58A study by Oxford University found that the London Games is
0:13:58 > 0:14:01due to be the most over-budget Olympics since Atlanta '96
0:14:01 > 0:14:04and the most expensive Games ever.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06That is quite alarming. After the Atlanta one,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09it had been so expensive, they just sank the whole place under water.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13No-one's surprised it's gone over budget, are they?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16If you want to build something efficiently and cheaply,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18you don't want to do it in East London.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21"Oh, that appears to be a lovely Olympic Stadium you are building.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24"What a shame if something were to happen to it."
0:14:25 > 0:14:28"Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32"Your velodrome appears to have gone missing overnight."
0:14:32 > 0:14:33LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:36What a slur on East London!
0:14:36 > 0:14:37APPLAUSE
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Every week, Sarah Beeny said, "You haven't budgeted enough."
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Were people not paying attention as Sarah was increasingly pregnant,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48not pregnant, pregnant, not pregnant.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52But always very clear on the budgeting issue.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55What would Sarah do? That's exactly what you have to ask yourself.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58She'd say, "Row back on the fixtures and fittings. Gold-plated medals..."
0:14:58 > 0:15:03Eight lanes?! Who needs eight lanes? The guy on the outside never wins.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Also, you don't need all those seats cos hardly anyone can get a sodding ticket.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Oh, stop whining, it was a computer-driven lottery.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15There is no... You weren't singled out, Mark.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18The computer did not go, "Hmm, Mark Watson? Do not like."
0:15:18 > 0:15:19"I'll exclude you from it."
0:15:19 > 0:15:21That's something of a disingenuous joke
0:15:21 > 0:15:23cos I'm actually going to three events.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27You were playing them like a violin.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- What are you going to see? - Boxing! Take that!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Boxing, which obviously is close to my heart.
0:15:33 > 0:15:38I am going... I got pretty sweet tickets. Pretty sweet tickets.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I'm going to the water polo round two matches.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Oh, yes!
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Ah, thank you!
0:15:44 > 0:15:49Kazakhstan versus either Australia or Austria, I can't work out.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I would have thought Kazakhstan versus Australia...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- in, what was it, water polo? - Water polo.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I think it's fairly clear Australia will it.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- There's not much point in going. - You don't know that. Water polo...
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- Kazakhstan...- When you have a central Asian landlocked country...
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- Yeah, exactly.- ..versus people who live by the beach.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Yeah, but people who live by the beach don't use swimming pools
0:16:10 > 0:16:12as much as the people who are landlocked.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13- Aha-ha, ha-ha, ha!- They do.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20People who are landlocked don't have the beach. All they have is pools.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21It's not that different.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Australia don't need someone to put a Great White in
0:16:24 > 0:16:26before they'll feel at home.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29There is no water in Kazakhstan.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31There's no... How do you think the people...?
0:16:31 > 0:16:32There's rain in Kazakhstan.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35They go, "Oh, rain, let us practise."
0:16:35 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:42 > 0:16:45"Look, a big puddle!"
0:16:45 > 0:16:47It's not easy being a Kazakhstan fan.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Give me a K! Oh, please not this!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Maybe a Z or possibly a H after that, I'm not sure.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I'm going to do this phonetically...
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Give me a Ka!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- Give me an atlas!- Give me a Zak!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Give me a Hstan!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07In other news, by the way,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10my favourite story during the week of the procession of the torch,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13the endless procession of the torch, is Jill Makinson-Sanders,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16who's the mayor of a town called Louth in Lincolnshire,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19who decided, as the torch was passing through her town,
0:17:19 > 0:17:23to dress up as one of the local products of Louth in Lincolnshire.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Louth, apparently, is famous for its sausages.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Here's how she decided to dress up to welcome the torch.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33And she ran alongside the torch,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36ran alongside it as a giant penis!
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Down the streets...
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Looks like you! - It does not look like me.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:47 > 0:17:49It's nothing like...
0:17:49 > 0:17:52My arms do not start above my chin, like that.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I love that. The 100th programme and the first time
0:17:55 > 0:17:58we've been heckled by the audience.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- You look like a penis sausage! - You look like a giant penis.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Do you want to... You probably can do some clever directorial thing,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09just to disprove the fact that I look, you know...
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Can it be done?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Just to scotch the rumour
0:18:13 > 0:18:16that I look anything like a six-foot-tall penis sausage.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Is this why you weren't allowed in to use the bank account -
0:18:21 > 0:18:22cos of your passport photo?!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Just to stop this once and for all, I look nothing like the...
0:18:31 > 0:18:33HUGH: Oh, look. There.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Nothing like that.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Hold your cards up.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Well, somebody's got a new Twitter avatar.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Mark, Ava and Andy!
0:19:00 > 0:19:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:04 > 0:19:06We come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I'll read out this week's topics
0:19:11 > 0:19:14and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Due to Mock The Week overrunning...
0:19:23 > 0:19:26..footage from Centre Court has been cancelled.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27APPLAUSE
0:19:31 > 0:19:33It's out again.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Bigger shorts - that's what he needs.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Well, that is an incredibly strong backhand,
0:19:42 > 0:19:46but he did tell the ball boy he wanted the water ice-cold.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Welcome to Centre Court. They've just closed the roof.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56It's a lot lower than we thought.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04There appears to be a lot of grunting in this women's match.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07And if the man at the back doesn't stop it,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09we're going to have to ask him to leave.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16So, that rain delay, slightly longer than we were hoping.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18It's now mid-August.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24So, Venus and Serena, the old rivals meet again,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27and it's the eternal question - which one would you do?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34So, 15-40 -
0:20:34 > 0:20:37the last time someone British won here.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44And it's the Russian favourite Novockin Chintz
0:20:44 > 0:20:47against the British number three Absolutely Novockin Chintz.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Well, he's very lucky to get to love-40.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59I've only loved five and I had to pay three of them.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Of course, they start training tennis umpires at a very young age,
0:21:08 > 0:21:10and there they are, sitting in their high chairs...
0:21:12 > 0:21:15shouting, "Deuce, deuce."
0:21:20 > 0:21:24And play has been interrupted as two players have walked onto the court,
0:21:24 > 0:21:28saying they've got it booked from four, and it's now five past.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35And if we have a look at his follow-through,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37we can see he shouldn't have worn white shorts.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45The doubles have proved great entertainment today.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47I've had ten of them and let me tell you,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Sue Barker is looking absolutely gorgeous.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56OK, the next topic is
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Consumer Programme.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03On Watchdog tonight, Anne Robinson has had a seizure,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06but you won't be able to tell.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13"Dear Watchdog, these sausages are inedible.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16"I don't know what it is. They look like someone off the telly."
0:22:22 > 0:22:26The patio had been badly laid and three weeks later,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28the body popped up again.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36My loft has recently been converted.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39It is now Muslim and won't let me in unless I take my shoes off.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47You can invest your money in a high-interest ISA,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49or you can blow the lot on cocaine.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Come on, man, you used to be fun! What's wrong with you?
0:22:56 > 0:23:01Tonight, we're investigating United Dairies, R Whites and Cadburys,
0:23:01 > 0:23:05in a feature we're calling Milk, Milk, Lemonade,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Round The Corner, Chocolate's Made.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Where are the best places to watch other people having sex?
0:23:15 > 0:23:18We'll find out tonight on Watchdogging.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25And the moral of the story - even if it is called crazy golf,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28don't have your willy out. Goodnight.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35This secret camera we're using is really, really tiny,
0:23:35 > 0:23:36which is lucky,
0:23:36 > 0:23:40because that rogue builder is about to shove it up my arse.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45He paid for the house to be pebble-dashed,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48but the technique wasn't quite what he was expecting.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58but now I've eaten half my kitchen.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06We tested this dishwasher against this dishwasher,
0:24:06 > 0:24:08and the Filipino was better.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18Not only would the toilet not flush, but I am now banned from IKEA.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28If it sounds too good to be true and it looks too good to be true,
0:24:28 > 0:24:29then it's magic.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:41 > 0:24:43And that's the end of the show.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45This week's winners are
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49CHEERING
0:24:49 > 0:24:54Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Ava Vidal and Mark Watson.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Now, that's it for this week, but as this is our 100th show,
0:24:58 > 0:25:01we're going to leave you with some of our favourite moments
0:25:01 > 0:25:02from the previous 99.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04We'll see you next week. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.
0:25:04 > 0:25:09There's just a small note from the desk that I get in my ear.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14Frankie, Hugh, if we can have stuff which we actually can broadcast.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Nobody mentioned that!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I think that should be the anti-speeding advert.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24It should be footage of Richard Hammond
0:25:24 > 0:25:25trying to remember his own wedding day.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26AUDIENCE GROANS
0:25:30 > 0:25:33She was wearing black?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Or was it red?
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Am I married?
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Not even an oblique reference to it, let alone...
0:25:41 > 0:25:42There's a line in the sand,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45and you can't even see the line in the sand.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I need an action replay over here. There was a lovely moment.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49I just remembered something.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Show them what you did, it was fantastic. You went...
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- And then went like that... - Did I really?- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Well, I do that kind of thing the whole time. That's entirely me.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Do it again.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Do you think I look like Pierce Brosnan with a mouthful of sweets?
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- I tell you who doesn't hate Konnie Huq, eh, Dara?- She's a good girl.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Don't mess with the Huq.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Hang on, what does that mean? Do you fancy her?
0:26:18 > 0:26:19RUSSELL TALKS OVER HIM
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Well, kids' TV kind of thing, and I quite like...
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- She's getting dissed at the moment. - Right. So you do, then?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- Yeah.- I'm just saying she's good. - He loves her, he loves her.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- ANDY:- Look at him squirm!
0:26:34 > 0:26:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Two largest financial institutions in America
0:26:40 > 0:26:41are Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac,
0:26:41 > 0:26:44shorthand for the Federal National Mortgage Corporation
0:26:44 > 0:26:46and Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49When I heard the headline "Fannie Mae Collapse",
0:26:49 > 0:26:51I thought Kerry Katona was pregnant again.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I used to farm cats, and let me tell you,
0:26:57 > 0:27:02their eggs don't taste nearly as chocolatey as they look.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Miss Fat Ankle, 2006.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Did you hear the woman?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24She went, "I put a curse on you. I put a curse on you!"
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- She didn't.- They're always giving it the curse.- She didn't!
0:27:27 > 0:27:30The minute it kicks off, "I put a curse on you."
0:27:30 > 0:27:33"I saw you coming through me crystal ball, so I did."
0:27:35 > 0:27:40Everybody watching this has got their remote, going, "There's something wrong with the sound."
0:27:40 > 0:27:44The way you three, particularly, are like that - they look like the evolution of man.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48We should be walking like that...
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Turn that way.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I think the question everyone wants is, get your foot out, Adam.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Adam, have you ever put beer in your foot and drunk out of it?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Yes.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Thank you, Adam, for what could have descended into freak-show territory,
0:28:19 > 0:28:23but you held it together with an enormous amount of dignity,
0:28:23 > 0:28:24as we basically said,
0:28:24 > 0:28:27"Show us the weird thing. Show us the weird thing now!"
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Your head is absolutely enormous.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31n fact, on a normal-size head, that would be a full head of hair.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38You're supposed to have a flu buddy.
0:28:38 > 0:28:39You pair up with somebody
0:28:39 > 0:28:42and they'll deliver the injection to you, if needs be.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Exactly, but my mates would just pop a bit of Viagra in,
0:28:44 > 0:28:48"Here you are, you're going to die, have some doughnuts, have some fun."
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Put them on yourself. See how many you can get.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Doughnuts? With Viagra? What the hell are you doing, man?!
0:28:53 > 0:28:57So I'll be there. I'm nearly dying and I'm flinging them gently on me.
0:28:57 > 0:28:58Ring doughnuts, not jam doughnuts.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01- Yeah, I'm not a beast! - Yeah, but where's he putting them?
0:29:01 > 0:29:03I'm doing it like that.
0:29:03 > 0:29:04Why?
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Because I'm nearly dead, Frankie. Can I not have some fun?
0:29:07 > 0:29:10Find a woman, leave the pastries alone!
0:29:12 > 0:29:14Fuck off!
0:29:23 > 0:29:25It's not going to be worth it now, is it?
0:29:25 > 0:29:27BUZZER
0:29:30 > 0:29:35Dara O Briain - we work, so he doesn't have to.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44- RUSSELL: Everyone clap, it'll be amazing.- No, no, no.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Keep it rolling!
0:29:48 > 0:29:49Yes!
0:29:52 > 0:29:54Whoa! What a moment!