0:00:04 > 0:00:09# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world! News of the world! #
0:00:23 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:27 > 0:00:30This programme contains strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Joining me this week are
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Andy Parsons, Josh Widdicombe and Miles Jupp.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:52 > 0:00:53We start with a round called
0:00:53 > 0:00:55If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58On the board are six categories. Josh, which would you like?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Can I go sport? OK.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02The answer is...
0:01:02 > 0:01:0474 years. What's the question?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Is it what is the official age at which you can be racist
0:01:07 > 0:01:08and get away with it?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13How much back-tax does Jimmy Carr owe?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17CHEERING
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Is it when will it stop raining?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Is it the traditional amount of time
0:01:23 > 0:01:26between a person's first meal at a Harvester...
0:01:26 > 0:01:30LAUGHTER ..and their second meal.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Is it how long would it take Victoria Beckham
0:01:33 > 0:01:34to eat a Cornish pasty?
0:01:34 > 0:01:39Is it, how long a minute feels in the company of Louie Spence?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Is it what would it feel like
0:01:41 > 0:01:44if Prince Charles was agreeing with the answer 74?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47HE IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES 74 years, yes.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49LAUGHTER
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Is it how long will Katie Holmes have to look over her shoulder?
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Is it how long after eating mackerel is it safe to burp again?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Is it what is the average age
0:02:04 > 0:02:08of the person buying Beyonce's new track, All The Shingle Ladies?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:18Is it if you come out of a toilet at a music festival,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21how long do you suggest to the person who's going in
0:02:21 > 0:02:23that they should leave it?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Is it what is the distance of my exclusion order
0:02:26 > 0:02:29from Doctor Who's assistant?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Any questions? Is it when did the last British man
0:02:36 > 0:02:39enter a final at Wimbledon? Yes. In the singles. In the singles.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Very good, thank you very much, Andy Parsons!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44APPLAUSE
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Yes, the question I was look for was, before Andy Murray,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49how long had it been since a British man
0:02:49 > 0:02:50reached a Wimbledon singles final?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Andy Murray was the first to achieve this feat
0:02:53 > 0:02:56since Bunny Austin was runner-up in 1938.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Obviously, when we're about to discuss this, I would ask you
0:02:59 > 0:03:01to temper your comments, jokes and observations
0:03:01 > 0:03:03with the fact that Andy Murray,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06the runner-up in the British men's singles final,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09is actually out there in the audience at the moment.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Big hello to Andy Murray!
0:03:12 > 0:03:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Thank you very much.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Andy specifically said, "No fuss, no fuss!"
0:03:37 > 0:03:39LAUGHTER
0:03:39 > 0:03:41"Just going to drop in, at the back of the show,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44"just enjoy the gig, just like anyone else would."
0:03:44 > 0:03:46"Not a big thing happening about the whole thing."
0:03:46 > 0:03:47All I'm saying is,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50a pleasure to have you here, Andy. Enjoy the show.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55Obviously, when you're talking about the final, keep it light, keep it light!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57MOCK SOBBING
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Why don't we talk about Bunny Austin?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06My grandfather used to drive a Bunny Austin!
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Were you watching it, did you enjoy it? Yeah.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13It was very, very emotional. I was crying.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I didn't really know why I was crying,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18just everybody with me was crying.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It was like we'd been watching Terms of Endearment.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER
0:04:22 > 0:04:27Top three tear-jerkers of all time, Terms of Endearment, Philadelphia,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30and Andy Murray trying to congratulate Roger Federer
0:04:30 > 0:04:32without calling him a bastard.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:39It was very emotional. What I loved most of all was Ivan Lendl.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43He's a man, you know, he wears his heart on his sleeve, doesn't he?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45He runs the full gamut of emotion.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Here's Ivan.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Ivan is sad.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Ivan is happy.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Ivan is excited.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I also like the fact that Ivan doesn't... Nothing changes.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Nothing. There's nothing. There is a tendency to presume
0:05:01 > 0:05:04that the more natural would be like Gok Wan or something.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08"You go!"
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"You're looking great down there."
0:05:11 > 0:05:15I'm not having a go, Andy. I shouldn't start like that!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Wow. Feel the mood in the room change there!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Ivan Lendl, I understand,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22is famous for being the best player never to have won Wimbledon.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25So, as an appointment to try and win Wimbledon.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28That's like going, "I'm trying to catch a road runner,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31"I'm going to ask Wile E Coyote for some suggestions."
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Ivan Lendl was never foiled by an anvil falling on him.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39And if he had been hit on the head by an anvil,
0:05:39 > 0:05:40he would have looked like this...
0:05:43 > 0:05:44If I won Wimbledon,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47the first thing I'd do is sort the one-way system out.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:54APPLAUSE
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I think it's all right to be like that.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59This is something that Andy Murray comes in..
0:05:59 > 0:06:01A huge criticism about Andy Murray is,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04"Oh, he's sullen and uncommunicative in post-match interviews."
0:06:04 > 0:06:08You'd be sullen and uncommunicative if, after work every day,
0:06:08 > 0:06:12you had to pass somebody with a camera and a microphone going,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15"Amazing bit of photocopying in the middle of the day there,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17"what was going through your mind there?"
0:06:17 > 0:06:20They're lucky, those reporters, that they don't finish the reports,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22"This is Tim Franks, from Wimbledon A,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24"with a tennis racquet up my arse."
0:06:24 > 0:06:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:31 > 0:06:33My favourite people that I saw in the crowd
0:06:33 > 0:06:35were the four Andy Murray supporters
0:06:35 > 0:06:39who had M, U, R and Y on their shirts.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41There's four of them.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Why on Earth did they go for the surname and not the first name?
0:06:44 > 0:06:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Do you not think that the problem really
0:06:53 > 0:06:56is the fact that British players aren't used to those facilities?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59If those courts were turned into cracked black Tarmac
0:06:59 > 0:07:01with weeds growing out of them,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04honestly, we would win a lot more tournaments.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05And if that didn't work,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08you'd just make sure that every fourth ball is flat.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Rounds would last longer if the nets all dipped by about six inches.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16A middle-class couple at the side, going,
0:07:16 > 0:07:21"I think you'll find we're on in five minutes."
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Give them five balls,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24wherever they hit them, they've got to get them themselves.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Every so often, the ball boy's picked up the wrong tube
0:07:27 > 0:07:29and you get Pringles.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33The bit I like in tennis is when they throw the ball into the crowd.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36At the end of the football, they throw their shirt into the crowd.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Anyway, I'm off the pub darts team.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42LAUGHTER
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Andy was unlucky, though - they closed the roof.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45It wasn't actually raining,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47it's just that Sir Cliff Richard was in
0:07:47 > 0:07:49and they didn't want to take any chances.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Which unlikely British player did win a title at Wimbledon this year?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Tim Henman? No.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Bunny Austin? No.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Vanessa Feltz?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09This was a guy called Marray. Yes.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Which is interesting, because it's only one letter away from Murray
0:08:13 > 0:08:16and that got me worried that maybe it's a vowel thing
0:08:16 > 0:08:18and Andy's in a queue.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21He's not going to win until Mr Merry, Mirry and Morry
0:08:21 > 0:08:23have all had their day.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25LAUGHTER
0:08:25 > 0:08:28APPLAUSE
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Jonathan Marray, one of those two men there...
0:08:32 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:39The one on the far-left, I think.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41The one on the right.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45The one applauding in the suit.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49He won the doubles with his Danish partner, Frederik Nielsen.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52You win two trophies, AND a midget butler?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56In other news, why was a Preston to London Megabus
0:08:56 > 0:08:59stopped by the police on the motorway this week?
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Just the usual reasons!
0:09:00 > 0:09:04This was the story where a passenger reported
0:09:04 > 0:09:08seeing some smoke coming out of some other passenger's bag,
0:09:08 > 0:09:10thought it was a bomb.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Turned out it was a fake cigarette that was producing water vapour.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Now, let's face it, if you've been pulled over,
0:09:17 > 0:09:19loads of police have arrived,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22you've got guns in your face, you're being accused of being a terrorist,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25that's not going to help you give up smoking, is it?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30They shut the M6, 17 police cars and riot vans,
0:09:30 > 0:09:3213 fire engines, four ambulances,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35and an Army bomb disposal truck attended the incident.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37They walked people off, their heads in their hands,
0:09:37 > 0:09:39made them sit in the middle of the road.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Those people on the Megabus,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43that's not the first bad trip they've been on!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46When they were on the side of the road, you could see some going,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49"This is the most luxurious part of the journey so far."
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I'm always freaked out by Megabus.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Isn't it the weirdest thing in the world?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Nothing against the bus service.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57But when you drive on the motorway, going to gigs,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59the back of the Megabus, when you're driving along,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02for those of you who haven't had the pleasure,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06there's times you get hypnotised by that weird thing.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08There's many things I've observed.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Firstly, why does that man have such large breasts?
0:10:14 > 0:10:18For hours, staring at that man's breasts going,
0:10:18 > 0:10:20"What kind of..."
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Where can you go for ?1?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24You'd have to contact Megabus. There's an address.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I like how they need to put, "Plus a 50p booking fee,"
0:10:27 > 0:10:30as if people are going to go, "Well, that's a rip-off!"
0:10:30 > 0:10:33"I walked in here with THIS in my hand,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36"expecting to be transported to a faraway land.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39"Then I find you want more money off me!
0:10:39 > 0:10:44"Screw you, Megabus man, yellow man with enormous bazongas."
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Looks disappointed behind the counter. "Ohh...."
0:10:47 > 0:10:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That is the way people react.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55I apologise. I apologise to people.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58I know that when you're disappointed you don't go, "I am disappointed."
0:11:00 > 0:11:05Megabus represents the top of the list of the decadence of the West.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07"We will bring the West to its knees!
0:11:07 > 0:11:08"Middle-aged women from the North
0:11:08 > 0:11:11will no longer be able to go to matinees in the West End!"
0:11:11 > 0:11:15"Students shall not visit their girlfriends in faraway towns!
0:11:15 > 0:11:16"Mua-ha-ha-ha!"
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Do you think when they were dragged off the bus,
0:11:19 > 0:11:20and they were all sat around it,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22they were still close enough to the bus
0:11:22 > 0:11:24to be able to use the free Wi-Fi?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28So they can email the photographs of their own terror alert.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30The only thing really irritating me about this,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32in my ear, constantly, people are going,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"Wear the hat, wear the hat. Wear the hat. Wear the hat."
0:11:34 > 0:11:36They gave me a yellow hat,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38because they think I look like the Megabus guy.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:11:51 > 0:11:55That means that that man looks like a penis sausage.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59They should call it penis sausage.com.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Oh, something else is called that.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04You're just bringing this up to make everybody forget that you look like a penis sausage.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07That's what's going on here.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09You just look like a penis sausage in a yellow hat!
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Oh, no!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:18 > 0:12:22I have lost ownership of the joke now.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Somebody's got another new Twitter avatar!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31At the end of that round - although I should give them to myself
0:12:31 > 0:12:32for the assault to my dignity -
0:12:32 > 0:12:34the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton!
0:12:34 > 0:12:37APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Now, we play a round called Fifty Shades Of Mock.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44This game involves Milton, Andy and Josh.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47If you could make your way over to the performance area, please.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51This is our stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Wherever it stops, one of the performers must step forward
0:12:53 > 0:12:55and talk about that subject.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02The first subject is money.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Who wants to come in on that? Andy Parsons.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08So...
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Wonga.com.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Current interest rate...
0:13:11 > 0:13:154,214%.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17They've got some balls, haven't they?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20And people take them up on it!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I don't know what happens, I don't know if they go,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25"Oh, look, 4,214%...
0:13:25 > 0:13:27"that seems about right."
0:13:29 > 0:13:31And why is wonga.com successful?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34It's because the banks aren't lending. Why are they not lending?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37That is what banks are supposed to do.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39"Oh, I'm a prostitute." "Do you shag?"
0:13:39 > 0:13:41"No.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45"I just sell pet insurance and breakdown cover!"
0:13:47 > 0:13:48At the moment,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51the whole world economy is being propped up by the Chinese.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54China at the moment being run by two men, the Chinese Premier,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56a man by the name of Wen,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59and the Chinese President, a man by the name of Hu.
0:14:00 > 0:14:05I kid you not, China is currently being run by Wen and Hu.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08It is like an Abbott and Costello sketch, isn't it?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10"Who's the Chinese Premier?"
0:14:10 > 0:14:13"No, Wen's the Chinese Premier."
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"Hu's the Chinese President?" "I don't know."
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"No, Hu's the Chinese President!"
0:14:17 > 0:14:19"Since when?"
0:14:19 > 0:14:23"No, Wen has never been the Chinese President!"
0:14:23 > 0:14:25APPLAUSE There goes Andy Parsons.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31OK. Let's spin the wheel again.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35The next subject is technology. Who wants to come in? Josh.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I'll take that...
0:14:38 > 0:14:42People say technology is moving forwards, but I'm not sure.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45I'm increasingly finding myself at these cashpoints
0:14:45 > 0:14:46where they can't even be bothered
0:14:46 > 0:14:49to make the buttons line up with the screen.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53There is no stress in the world like that.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Stood there going, "Please God, let this be ?20,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59"if this is ?40, I might as well just kill myself."
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Worse, if it's one of the cashpoints where you go up
0:15:01 > 0:15:04and the screen is angled, so the sun is on it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06You go up for ?20, you leave with a new PIN number
0:15:06 > 0:15:08and a chequebook in the post.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I don't want to cancel, I don't want to clear. What's the difference?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Trying to put your card back in,
0:15:14 > 0:15:18people going, "Piss off, mate, it's not winner stays on!"
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I'm already stressed when I'm at a cashpoint,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24cos I've already had to stand there for ten seconds,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26unable to put my card in,
0:15:26 > 0:15:30cos it's still thanking the guy that's already pissed off.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Who is hanging around for that?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35"I've got my card, my cash. Hold on, guys."
0:15:37 > 0:15:41"Well, it's been an absolute bloody pleasure doing business with you!"
0:15:41 > 0:15:45APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Josh, well done.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51And so, that leaves us with Milton. Let's spin the wheel.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54The topic is employment.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:16:01 > 0:16:03LAUGHTER
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I used to dream of having a job.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Sometimes I'd go down to the bottle bank
0:16:08 > 0:16:10and stick my arms in through the holes
0:16:10 > 0:16:14and pretend to be working at a nuclear processing facility.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22I lost my job as a prison officer for organising a lock-in.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26I only had one job as an architect,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28but apparently a revolving mosque
0:16:28 > 0:16:32makes it difficult to pray towards Mecca.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:38 > 0:16:40My first day working on a building site,
0:16:40 > 0:16:41I felt sure someone would ask me
0:16:41 > 0:16:43to go and get something that didn't exist.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46You know, like "striped" paint or something.
0:16:46 > 0:16:51Sure enough, someone asked me to go and get an "air ambulance".
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Well, I played them at their own game.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Took my time. I said, "Oh, no, I couldn't seem to find one."
0:17:06 > 0:17:09You should have seen his face.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11It was blue.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Years ago, of course, I used to supply Filofaxes for the Mafia.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Yeah, I was involved in VERY organised crime.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Thank you very much. Well done. Points to Milton there,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29everyone come back.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Shall I tell you how Ivan Lendl reacted to that joke?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Now we play a game called Picture Of The Week.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I show the panel a topical image
0:17:56 > 0:17:58and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01So, teams, what is going on here?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Is it Dyson unveils most powerful vacuum cleaner yet?
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Is it the centrefold of Engineering Porn Monthly?
0:18:12 > 0:18:16Is it preparation continues for Eric Pickles' colonic irrigation?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18AUDIENCE GROANS
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Is it best contestant ever
0:18:20 > 0:18:22on Scrapheap Challenge?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Is it that man saying,
0:18:24 > 0:18:29"Well, if this thing falls on me, at least I've got a hat on"?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36That is regrettably the only printer that my computer will recognise.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Goal-line technology bigger than expected?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46OK, can anybody give me the correct answer?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Is it the fitting of Eamonn Holmes' gastric band?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Is it something to do with science?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56It is. Bravo. Touche.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Is it the CERN Higgs boson thing?
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Yes!
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Yes, I'm going to accept that. It is the CERN Higgs boson thing.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09APPLAUSE
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Yes, it is the CERN Higgs boson thing,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14also known as the Large Hadron Collider.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Physicists at CERN in Switzerland
0:19:16 > 0:19:19have declared that there is overwhelming evidence
0:19:19 > 0:19:20that they have discovered a new particle
0:19:20 > 0:19:23that bears all the hallmarks of the Higgs boson.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24The find is considered
0:19:24 > 0:19:27one of the most important scientific advances in a century.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Now, before I go to you and get you to comment on this,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I'd just like to bear in mind
0:19:31 > 0:19:33that in the audience tonight we have Professor Higgs,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36who has come all the way from...
0:19:36 > 0:19:40There she is. A very great woman, congratulations.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42APPLAUSE
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Very, very great. Very great.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49An unbelievably shy woman.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57For many years, she has, in public, only wanted to appear as an old man.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Stop pointing the camera at that poor, randomly-chosen woman.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05There he is! CHEERING
0:20:05 > 0:20:08That's her as we more normally know him.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I reckon if you've got some glasses down there,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13you could have a crack at that one as well!
0:20:15 > 0:20:19I am not doing every face that we do on the show!
0:20:19 > 0:20:22He was known as Professor Penis Sausage Face.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24"My penis sausage is this big!"
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Yes, they found the Higgs boson.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Professor Higgs is... Oh, I'm not, I'm not.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I'm seriously not going to do this, right?
0:20:30 > 0:20:34I can't look like everything that we discover on the show.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36He looks like...
0:20:36 > 0:20:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:43 > 0:20:44..Jonathan King!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48That is Jonathan King.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Isn't he an astonishing bloke, the professor,
0:20:51 > 0:20:55didn't he also not teach Eliza Doolittle to speak properly?
0:20:55 > 0:20:59The funniest thing about him is that he lectures in Edinburgh University,
0:20:59 > 0:21:00and up until recently,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02he's been the Scottish physicist Professor Higgs,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05but now that it's been found and he's successful,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07he's suddenly the British physicist, Professor Higgs.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09That's one for Andy Murray.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14It was lovely, though. It was absolutely lovely,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17cos he didn't expect it to happen in his lifetime. He's 83.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19He proposed this idea over 40 years ago.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21He travelled to Switzerland to see the announcement.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23And it's just nice to have a happy story
0:21:23 > 0:21:25about an 83-year-old travelling to Switzerland.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:30 > 0:21:33If you complete that word at the back of his head,
0:21:33 > 0:21:34it just says Jedi.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37LAUGHTER
0:21:37 > 0:21:39APPLAUSE
0:21:41 > 0:21:43And do you know what he did when he found out?
0:21:43 > 0:21:44He... I've no idea. He cried.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47He cried. Of course he cried, everyone cries now.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48It's all tears now, boo-hoo.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Things have gone well, things have gone badly, wah-wah-wah.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Jesus. That's why there's no more hosepipe ban.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Boo-hoo-hoo!
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Did he not think,
0:22:00 > 0:22:04"I'm going to splash out on a Megabus back to Edinburgh"?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07I think it's a real shame, this business.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10This is a lot of time and money they've spent,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12and that is time and money they could've spent, for instance,
0:22:12 > 0:22:15working out how to make slightly less noisy hand dryers,
0:22:15 > 0:22:16which I find incredibly annoying.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20AUDIENCE MEMBER APPLAUDS Thank you, let's start this revolution now.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24I love the moment in the show when we really catch the public mood(!)
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I can't believe he got a standing ovation
0:22:27 > 0:22:29for getting to the final of Wimbledon.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34I came up with my brilliant thing about hand dryers, no-one does a fucking thing!
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Why is this going to be bad news for Stephen Hawking?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40This is because he's lost a bet, a $100 bet.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43He said that they'd never find the Higgs boson particle.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46But you have to say, the person who he's had a bet with...
0:22:46 > 0:22:48You'd have to be a bit of a bastard
0:22:48 > 0:22:51to take the money off him, wouldn't you?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53You wouldn't bet Stephen Hawking $100.
0:22:53 > 0:22:58Surely if you're going to bet him anything, you'd bet him a go on his chair.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02We may have gone over the line. We'll just check Hawk-Eye.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Stephen Hawk-Eye would be a great thing though, wouldn't it?
0:23:07 > 0:23:11IN ROBOTIC VOICE: Out. The ball was out.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13IN ROBOTIC VOICE: It was out.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17It has been out for billions of years.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19The strange thing about Stephen Hawking
0:23:19 > 0:23:21is that he's a British person,
0:23:21 > 0:23:24who we sort of know as having an American accent,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26which must be an astonishing thing for his brain,
0:23:26 > 0:23:30cos he must have a memory of his own voice and yet this thing comes out.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Makes me feel terribly sorry for him.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34But at least it's not a Brummie accent,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36cos then nobody would have believed him, would they?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38MOCK BRUMMIE ACCENT: "I've got a theory."
0:23:38 > 0:23:39"Have you?"
0:23:39 > 0:23:41"I've a good theory about time."
0:23:41 > 0:23:44"Is it? Off you go, then." IMITATES WHEELCHAIR MOTOR
0:23:44 > 0:23:47APPLAUSE
0:23:48 > 0:23:51At the end of that round, the points go to Miles, Josh and Andy.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01If everyone makes their way over to the performance area, please.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04I'll read this week's topics, and we'll see what our panellists come up with.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Things you won't hear at the Olympics.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Very impressive.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Usain Bolt has done a lap of honour,
0:24:14 > 0:24:16and won the 400 metres as well.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:20BUZZER, APPLAUSE
0:24:20 > 0:24:23So, Daley going for three-and-a-half somersaults with pike.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27And you have to say, the pike doesn't look too happy about it.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29LAUGHTER
0:24:29 > 0:24:31BUZZER
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Good morning. No surprises here at the final of the archery...
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Agh!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39LAUGHTER
0:24:39 > 0:24:40BUZZER
0:24:40 > 0:24:42APPLAUSE
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Victoria Pendleton's cycling incredibly fast at the moment,
0:24:46 > 0:24:48desperate to try and get away from a horny Boris Johnson.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50LAUGHTER
0:24:50 > 0:24:52BUZZER
0:24:52 > 0:24:54APPLAUSE
0:24:54 > 0:24:55She was hoping for bronze,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57but sadly for Sue Barker,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59she is bright orange.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01BUZZER
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I would like to apologise for my earlier mistake.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07We are in fact watching the javelin,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10and not, as I said, dwarf darts.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12BUZZER
0:25:12 > 0:25:15APPLAUSE
0:25:15 > 0:25:20And all of the sailing golds have gone to the Somali team,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23in exchange for the safe return of Sir Steve Redgrave.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:25 > 0:25:27BUZZER
0:25:27 > 0:25:31That is the fifth girl to jump off the top board
0:25:31 > 0:25:33and miss the huge pool below.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Women divers!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:41APPLAUSE, BUZZER
0:25:43 > 0:25:47This gymnast has a maximum degree of difficulty.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51His name is Cherjick Kiddock-Kada-Flilli-Flivovov.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54BUZZER
0:25:54 > 0:25:57That is the ten-minute Freeview of the beach volleyball.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59If you'd like to watch the full match...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:02..please enter your PIN now.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05APPLAUSE, BUZZER
0:26:06 > 0:26:09And the crowd are on their feet.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12So much for getting the stadium finished on time.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14LAUGHTER
0:26:14 > 0:26:15BUZZER
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Well, that really was a spectacular day of weightlifting,
0:26:19 > 0:26:21but before we go, we've got time to just look over
0:26:21 > 0:26:24some of the most spectacular anal prolapses we've seen today.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25LAUGHTER
0:26:25 > 0:26:28BUZZER
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Lane one, a family eating popcorn.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Lane two, two guys on a stag night.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Lane three... I'm in the wrong place.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39This is bowling!
0:26:39 > 0:26:41LAUGHTER, BUZZER
0:26:44 > 0:26:46And now in the weightlifting, it's the snatch.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50She's a big girl, but it's still compulsive viewing.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52BUZZER
0:26:52 > 0:26:54APPLAUSE
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Well, here at Weymouth, our gold-medal prospect is out.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00In the last race, he touched a boy
0:27:00 > 0:27:02and he's been arrested by Social Services.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:04 > 0:27:06OK, next topic.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Unlikely things to read in a children's book.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12And so the Tiger came to tea,
0:27:12 > 0:27:15and then shagged another woman and went back to playing golf.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17LAUGHTER
0:27:17 > 0:27:20BUZZER, APPLAUSE
0:27:22 > 0:27:24As soon as Professor Snape saw Hermione,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27he knew in a few years, she would be really hot.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:28 > 0:27:30BUZZER
0:27:30 > 0:27:34"What's a Gruffalo?" Said the Gruffalo.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36"It's a buffalo on 40-a-day."
0:27:36 > 0:27:37LAUGHTER
0:27:37 > 0:27:39BUZZER
0:27:39 > 0:27:41APPLAUSE
0:27:43 > 0:27:46"These bacon sandwiches are delicious," said Pooh.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"Aren't they, Piglet? Piglet?"
0:27:48 > 0:27:49LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:27:49 > 0:27:52BUZZER
0:27:53 > 0:27:57And so, the 101 Dalmatians fell asleep.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Hang on, those aren't Dalmatians.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04Those are just ordinary white puppies riddled with bullets!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:28:06 > 0:28:08BUZZER
0:28:08 > 0:28:09APPLAUSE
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Hello, my name is the Very Hungry Caterpillar
0:28:15 > 0:28:17And I have an eating disorder.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19LAUGHTER
0:28:19 > 0:28:21BUZZER
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Unfortunately, Bob the Builder couldn't fix it,
0:28:24 > 0:28:27because Bobski the Polish Builder had undercut him
0:28:27 > 0:28:29and done a far better job.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30APPLAUSE
0:28:30 > 0:28:32BUZZER
0:28:32 > 0:28:34"This place is rubbish," said Edmund.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37"Doesn't anybody have sex here?" "Oh yes," said Aslan.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39"What do you think the Griffins are for?"
0:28:39 > 0:28:41LAUGHTER
0:28:41 > 0:28:42BUZZER
0:28:43 > 0:28:48But despite his protests, Mr Tickle was put on the register.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50LAUGHTER, BUZZER
0:28:50 > 0:28:52APPLAUSE
0:28:52 > 0:28:55After years of depression and alcoholism,
0:28:55 > 0:28:57the little girl emigrated.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00And that is the end of Alice In Sunderland.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:02 > 0:29:03BUZZER
0:29:05 > 0:29:08"This is Poo Corner,"
0:29:08 > 0:29:10explained one of the other captives.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12LAUGHTER
0:29:14 > 0:29:17"Have you heard about Badger?" said Ratty.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20"He's been gassed to stop the spread of bovine TB."
0:29:20 > 0:29:22LAUGHTER
0:29:22 > 0:29:24BUZZER
0:29:24 > 0:29:26As the train came slowly past,
0:29:26 > 0:29:29the Railway Children chucked stones at it
0:29:29 > 0:29:32and spray-painted "Thomas is a wanker!"
0:29:32 > 0:29:33LAUGHTER
0:29:33 > 0:29:36BUZZER
0:29:36 > 0:29:39Tales Of The Unexpected.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Once upon a... AARGH!
0:29:41 > 0:29:43LAUGHTER
0:29:45 > 0:29:48And then, as he did every night,
0:29:48 > 0:29:51Fantastic Mr Fox knocked over a bin
0:29:51 > 0:29:53and shat on a doorstep.
0:29:53 > 0:29:54LAUGHTER
0:29:54 > 0:29:55BUZZER
0:29:55 > 0:29:59OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton!
0:29:59 > 0:30:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:30:03 > 0:30:05And that's the end of the show.
0:30:05 > 0:30:11Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Josh Widdicombe, Miles Jupp,
0:30:11 > 0:30:15Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18This week's winner is Andy Murray, ladies and gentlemen.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:30:20 > 0:30:23Pleasure to have you here. Thank you for watching.
0:30:23 > 0:30:24I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:33 > 0:30:37# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:39 > 0:30:44# Read all about it
0:30:44 > 0:30:47# News of the world News of the world. #
0:30:47 > 0:30:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd