0:00:20 > 0:00:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:21 > 0:00:27This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:35 > 0:00:40Hello and welcome to the last in the current run of Mock The Week.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Over the last few weeks we have been busy celebrating our 100th show,
0:00:43 > 0:00:48creating Monsoon Poultry Hospital and noting my resemblance to a giant penis-sausage.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I think there has been lots of stuff about banks and the eurozone as well. Tonight we are
0:00:51 > 0:00:55taking a look back at some of those as well as things you won't have seen before.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59This is the semi-annual compilation clip show. Hope you enjoy it.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Here is a picture of the Queen, what is
0:01:01 > 0:01:06she saying here? She is saying, "So be it, Skywalker, now die."
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Is she saying, "I can see you looking, Elton, it is my tiara, you can't borrow it."
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Tom Jones looks like he is trying to hypnotise the Queen,
0:01:24 > 0:01:29either that or he is being goosed by Sir Paul McCartney.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33She seems to be saying, "Oh, dear, I seem to be at Madame Tussaud's."
0:01:39 > 0:01:45Is she saying, "You do all have the number for Dignitas, don't you?"
0:01:45 > 0:01:50Is she saying, "I've got major beef with you, Richard."
0:01:50 > 0:01:55"I've got major beef with you, Richard."
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Hang on, is she Peter Andre?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00APPLAUSE
0:02:02 > 0:02:04"I trained..."
0:02:04 > 0:02:07IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Don't compare me to the Queen!"
0:02:07 > 0:02:11"I've got major beef with you, Richard.
0:02:11 > 0:02:17"You put the Lord's Prayer to Auld Lang Syne again and I will cut your face."
0:02:17 > 0:02:20It looks like it could be an advert. If you look at
0:02:20 > 0:02:25McCartney and Tom Jones, it looks like an advert for Just for Men.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31It's the Queen saying, "Go on, pull my finger."
0:02:33 > 0:02:38Are the Americans saying happy birthday to her?
0:02:38 > 0:02:45Grace Jones, she had a hula hoop. Randomly walks out singing Slave To The Rhythm.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50I thought, am I the only one seeing this?!
0:02:50 > 0:02:54# Slave to the rhythm... #
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Who booked Grace Jones?!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00She was not hula hooping, she had been imprisoned by
0:03:00 > 0:03:01the elders from Krypton.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05You must be careful. There was a concert.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10There was an Ireland football match. I was looking at the score for loads
0:03:10 > 0:03:15of Irish people and loads of people were Tweeting,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"Nobody cares, hash tag, Jubilee!"
0:03:20 > 0:03:25Superb. Like I walked on to the stage to say, "Rob, put a sock in it! It's nil-nil."
0:03:28 > 0:03:34Was it not strange that they built that elaborate row-boat, the Gloriana for
0:03:34 > 0:03:38the Queen, and yet, was it just me who thought it was weird she was not on it?
0:03:38 > 0:03:45The only person on it was Clare Balding. Tourists think Clare Balding is the Queen!
0:03:45 > 0:03:51I saw the British Queen. She looks like she can handle herself in a pub fight!
0:03:51 > 0:03:55APPLAUSE
0:03:56 > 0:04:00The answer is chickens, nurses and rain. What is the question?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Is it what does Heston Blumenthal put in a trifle?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Is it name three things...
0:04:07 > 0:04:10APPLAUSE
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Is it what are the most used sound effects
0:04:17 > 0:04:22in the radio drama, Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28"There's been another monsoon for the chickens!"
0:04:29 > 0:04:34Why are all the actors Scottish in Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
0:04:34 > 0:04:38"Doctor, doctor, I think that the chicken is drowning!"
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Is it all the things that
0:04:40 > 0:04:44my gran says is stealing her money when I visit her?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51OK, what is the correct answer?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Name three things you will not find in a chicken nugget!
0:04:56 > 0:04:57OK, correct...
0:04:57 > 0:05:02Is it what are the opening stage directions in the television drama
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
0:05:07 > 0:05:12Chickens, nurses, rain, a man walks through the fog!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15It is a hospital I'm working in now?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19What was the name of Foghorn Leghorn's controversial early career porn film?
0:05:21 > 0:05:26Sorry, I want to do more chickens and hospitals. "Clear!" "Cluck!"
0:05:26 > 0:05:31"Clear!" "Bark!" "We've lost him."
0:05:31 > 0:05:35That is me finishing off the chicken.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38"Doctor, doctor, get me the baster!"
0:05:41 > 0:05:47There is a graphic going around Twitter showing how much Vodafone evaded taxes
0:05:47 > 0:05:54as opposed to how much Jimmy Carr evaded. Avoided not evaded.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Yes, because he will be making
0:05:57 > 0:06:01his money back in a legal claim against Chris Addison.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Good luck with that!
0:06:03 > 0:06:08It will be the case of the century. It will be this...
0:06:12 > 0:06:16The most middle-class law case! "Get off!"
0:06:16 > 0:06:20There was a graphic that went
0:06:20 > 0:06:28around that, what was it, avoid? Avoidance, yes. There was a graphic going around,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I hope this will be worth it! It's been great so far(!)
0:06:33 > 0:06:36There is nowhere that this can go now. Maybe you should have evaded
0:06:36 > 0:06:38the joke, not avoided the joke.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40APPLAUSE
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I would love to, but I won't know
0:06:45 > 0:06:50which is which. Sorry, so, evading is bad?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Evasion is illegal,
0:06:52 > 0:06:57avoidance is legal, but potentially morally wrong. So Darth Avoider
0:06:57 > 0:06:58was not as evil as...?
0:07:01 > 0:07:06In the context that... Is that helpful?
0:07:06 > 0:07:10He was standing back in the scenes, Darth Avoider saying, "I-I don't think we had to blow up
0:07:10 > 0:07:16"the whole of the planet." Was he like a cuddly bear?
0:07:16 > 0:07:23"I like the modcons of the Death Star, but not the morality."
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Anyway, there was a graphic on Twitter...?
0:07:27 > 0:07:32Was it about evasion or avoidance? Avoision!
0:07:35 > 0:07:41There's a lot of avoision going on here.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48AS GROUCHO MARX: It is like lactose intolerance, a milk avoision!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53OK... Come on!
0:07:54 > 0:08:01Blue Peter is coming on in a minute. There was a graphic showing the amount
0:08:01 > 0:08:05of tax that Jimmy Carr avoided as opposed to the amount Vodafone had.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09They avoided 3,000 more tax than him. I thought,
0:08:09 > 0:08:13"Don't give him advice. In six months' time he'll have his own mobile phone company -
0:08:13 > 0:08:17"the Jimmy Carr-Phone Warehouse!"
0:08:17 > 0:08:20That is the long road's end.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:08:28 > 0:08:32None of us can claim to be the cleanliest, in terms of tax avoidance.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Particularly if you're self-employed. There were schemes picked up,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39film investment schemes that a lot of people put money into.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44I myself, I put all of my savings into the big budget
0:08:44 > 0:08:47production of Monsoon Poultry Hospital!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Very wise. You were involved.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I play the role of Morag the nurse.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07I think we are going to make a lot of money. It is me and Hugh.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Does that say it is written by Alfred Hitchcock?!
0:09:10 > 0:09:14It is nice to know where the budget of the show goes.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19Do you notice how well I look as a nurse? Surprisingly fitting!
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Big shoulders. A hint of the Readers' Wives about you there!
0:09:24 > 0:09:29If you turned up at my bed in a hospital, I would discharge myself!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Listen, I have no doubt you would discharge yourself!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35APPLAUSE
0:09:38 > 0:09:42My favourite Olympic torch story is this week the Olympic torch
0:09:42 > 0:09:46is brought on the raft to the slalom course. What brilliant plan is this?
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Right, one second later, there is the Olympic torch! It had to be brought
0:09:51 > 0:09:56and lit from the "mother flame," which apparently
0:09:56 > 0:10:03is discreetly held in a miner's lamp. It is like a Zippo. It had to be re-lit.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06The Olympic Flame has to be lit, kindled by the rays of the sun.
0:10:06 > 0:10:12That isn't our strong point. They should have given us a special
0:10:12 > 0:10:16dispensation, so everyone should have had a damp flannel and you
0:10:16 > 0:10:22wring yours out into the other person's flannel.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25APPLAUSE
0:10:26 > 0:10:31Do you know what... What is weird about the Olympic torch, though, is it is
0:10:31 > 0:10:35having a very exciting time. It's been on a zip wire in Newcastle, sailing,
0:10:35 > 0:10:40white water rafting. It is like it has a deal with the Make A Wish Foundation.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46It is like, as if it is somebody's stag do, taking
0:10:46 > 0:10:50the Olympic torch white water rafting. If it was left in the lap
0:10:50 > 0:10:54of a lap dancer... Like so many of my umbrellas!
0:10:59 > 0:11:00And the Olympic torch
0:11:00 > 0:11:07woke up, chained to a lamppost in Edinburgh! They are missing a trick.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10It would be better if they turned to the guy to say, "You know what you
0:11:10 > 0:11:16"have done, you have cancelled the Olympics! Set off the missile - we are ending this thing now."
0:11:16 > 0:11:20"Shut it down, it is all over now!"
0:11:20 > 0:11:24The Olympic torch has proved popular, hasn't it?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Lots of people meeting the Olympic torch. I think that they think it is actually
0:11:28 > 0:11:33the sun. They are not seen it for a while... It is yellow, hot,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35they are there going, "Ahh..."
0:11:35 > 0:11:40My favourite week in the endless procession of
0:11:40 > 0:11:45the torch is Jill Makinson Sanders, the Mayor of A town called Louth, in Lincolnshire,
0:11:45 > 0:11:52who decided to dress up as a local product of the town
0:11:52 > 0:11:56of Lincolnshire, they are apparently famous for its sausages. Here is how
0:11:56 > 0:12:02she decided to welcome the torch and she ran alongside the torch.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06She ran alongside the torch as a giant penis!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Down the streets...
0:12:09 > 0:12:13VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: It looks like you! It does not look like me!
0:12:13 > 0:12:17APPLAUSE
0:12:17 > 0:12:21It is nothing like me! My arms do not start above my chin like that.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25I love that. The 100th programme, the first time we've been
0:12:25 > 0:12:28heckled by the audience.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31"You look like a giant penis sausage."
0:12:33 > 0:12:40Do you want to do, can you do a clever director's thing to disprove...
0:12:40 > 0:12:46To scotch the rumours that I look anything like a 6ft tall penis sausage.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Oh, look, there!
0:12:49 > 0:12:52APPLAUSE
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Nothing like that!
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Hold the cards up.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03The other hand. Teeth!
0:13:03 > 0:13:08APPLAUSE
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Well, somebody's got a new Twitter avatar!
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Our next round is News Reel.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19We play footage featuring people in the news and ask Hugh
0:13:19 > 0:13:23to suggest what is in the clip. This week's clip is David Cameron and William Hague.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26DAVID CAMERON: Enjoying the Moscow weather, William?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28WILLIAM HAGUE: Why aren't we in the car?
0:13:28 > 0:13:33CAMERON: There is one road in, one road out. After the pasty thing we can't afford a U-turn.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39I am David Cameron, the Prime Minister of Great Britain.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43This is William Hague, Phil Mitchell lookalike.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47We are here to meet Vladimir Putin and the other fella.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49RUSSIAN MAN: Yes, well, you say
0:13:49 > 0:13:52you are the Prime Minister, yet you do not have a car.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53CAMERON: We have not come in a car.
0:13:53 > 0:13:58RUSSIAN MAN: Even the Greeks have a car and their economy is shit.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03CAMERON: Please, let us in, he is expecting us, show us in, please.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07HAGUE: So, this is the inside of the fearsome Kremlin, can't see why it is frightening,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10perhaps people have never been to Barnsley.
0:14:11 > 0:14:17CAMERON: Lovely to see you. Didn't recognise you with a shirt on, not riding a horse.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21PUTIN: Let's meet the others.
0:14:21 > 0:14:29CAMERON: I am David, I am the... Hello... How do you do... I am David Cameron...
0:14:32 > 0:14:35No, not one hand-shake.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40HAGUE: Well, never mind, David, you've only lost a bit of pride.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42At least you have not mislaid your child again.
0:14:44 > 0:14:51CAMERON: Come to think of it... Never mind. PUTIN: So, comrade Cameron, the mission is complete.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56Phase two - you will travel to Washington, give President Obama a present he is not expecting.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59CAMERON: Oh, my God, he's gone mad.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Never mind, carry on as normal. Don't eat any sushi.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04So, right, Vladimir,
0:15:04 > 0:15:06we are very pleased to be here
0:15:06 > 0:15:08at this historic time for both our countries.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11We wish to foster trade links between our two great nations.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Russia and Britain are uniquely matched
0:15:14 > 0:15:16in that you have lots of money
0:15:16 > 0:15:20and we are happy for you not to pay any tax at all.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23So, could you translate that, please?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25TRANSLATOR: Yes, certainly.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28He says you are criminal who rigged the election
0:15:28 > 0:15:29and you should rot in jail.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32PUTIN: Hmm!
0:15:32 > 0:15:36CAMERON: No, I didn't say that, I was talking about trade links.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39TRANSLATOR: Yes, he says you dress like a girl and you smell like a meerkat.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Kill him!
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Thank you very much, Hugh.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Why was a Preston to London Megabus stopped by the police
0:15:50 > 0:15:51on the motorway this week?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Just the usual reasons.
0:15:54 > 0:15:59This was the story where a passenger reported seeing some smoke
0:15:59 > 0:16:01coming out of some other passenger's bag,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03thought it was a bomb,
0:16:03 > 0:16:07turned out it was a fake cigarette, producing a water vapour.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Now, let's face it, if you've been pulled over,
0:16:11 > 0:16:13loads of police have arrived, you've got guns in your face,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15you're being accused of being a terrorist,
0:16:15 > 0:16:19that's not going to help you give up smoking, is it?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I'm always really freaked out by Megabus.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Are they not the weirdest thing in the world?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Nothing against the bus service itself, but when you drive on the motorway, going to gigs,
0:16:27 > 0:16:32the back of the Megabus, for those of you who haven't had the pleasure,
0:16:32 > 0:16:37there's times when you just get hypnotised by that weird...
0:16:37 > 0:16:38There are many things, firstly,
0:16:38 > 0:16:41why does that man have such large breasts?
0:16:46 > 0:16:50I've spent hours staring at that man's breasts!
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Where can you go for ?1? You'd have to contact Megabus. There's an address there.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I love the way they've put, "Plus a 50p booking fee,"
0:16:57 > 0:17:00as if people are going to say, "That's a rip off."
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"I walked in with this in my hand,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06"expecting to be transported to a far away land.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11"Then I find you want more money off me? Screw you, Megabus man!"
0:17:11 > 0:17:13A yellow man with enormous bazongas,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16looks disappointed behind the counter.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17"Oh!"
0:17:17 > 0:17:20APPLAUSE
0:17:22 > 0:17:25I apologise.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I know that when you're disappointed you don't go, "I am disappointed."
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I feel that Megabus represents
0:17:31 > 0:17:34the top of the list of the decadence of the West.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Yeah, we will bring the West to its knees.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Middle-aged women from the north
0:17:39 > 0:17:42will no longer go to matinees in the West End.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Students shall not visit their girlfriends in far away towns.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:17:47 > 0:17:50What's really irritating about this is for the entire time, in my ear,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53constantly people are going, "Wear the hat, wear the hat."
0:17:53 > 0:17:56They gave me a yellow hat because they think I look like the Megabus guy.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:10 > 0:18:14That means that that man looks like a penis sausage.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19They should call it penissausage.com.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21You're just bringing this up to try and make everybody forget
0:18:21 > 0:18:24that you look like a penis sausage.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27You just look like a penis sausage in a yellow hat.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Oh, no!
0:18:29 > 0:18:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:37 > 0:18:42I have lost ownership of the joke now.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Somebody's got another new Twitter avatar!
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Am I... Am I a little bit shiny?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52In other news...
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Yeah, that's that done now.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Was there anything else you want me to do? Any other pick ups?
0:18:58 > 0:19:02There's no point in avoiding tax when earning it is that easy!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05APPLAUSE
0:19:08 > 0:19:10They could have dropped that into the show anyway.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13You were suddenly, randomly drunk!
0:19:13 > 0:19:17I don't need it!
0:19:17 > 0:19:18I just like the taste.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Thank you very much. Who...
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Who are you talking to?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Well, let's be honest, we've all been wondering.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45And Rooney is... HE STUTTERS
0:19:45 > 0:19:47BUZZER
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Fuck you!
0:19:53 > 0:19:56And Rooney is in... Been in... Shut up!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Nice to hear the applause ended before you could sit down,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05so you sit down in complete silence.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08"It was good, but it wasn't that good," you may mock.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12So, what's been happening in the year, 2012?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Tell me how good it was.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I don't have to tell you fucking anything!
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Oh, no, that's the wrong category.
0:20:26 > 0:20:32The RSPCA told farmers to move their cattle to higher ground...
0:20:32 > 0:20:35When you said that, I couldn't get rid of the image of a farmer going,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38# Take me to higher ground... #
0:20:38 > 0:20:39APPLAUSE
0:20:43 > 0:20:47I wasn't expecting you to dance in the middle.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50That is more of that, isn't it? # Take me to higher ground... #
0:21:01 > 0:21:04It's a strange time to be doing a language tape?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I don't know, but he was very angry about his gas fire.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Is it in fact, apparently one million Britons go to work on drugs?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Yes, it is. One in 30 apparently test positive for drugs
0:21:18 > 0:21:21and in some firms, as much as one in seven.
0:21:21 > 0:21:26So, if you're looking round this particular panel,
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I've got to be honest, my money's on Milton.
0:21:31 > 0:21:38OK, the next topic is... The next topic is... Walk away!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Bloody penis sausage!
0:21:42 > 0:21:46In the 1980s in Manchester, we had this huge pigeon problem...
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Not huge pigeons, I mean, that would have been awful.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Argh!
0:21:51 > 0:21:56Sorry. I've lost my ear piece. Sorry.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Something's just come out of his penis.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01My penis sausage.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Quite literally ejaculated my ear piece out of my sausage penis head.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13# Take me to higher... #
0:22:13 > 0:22:17No, actually, that's much more...
0:22:17 > 0:22:21# One singular sensation... #
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Obviously, when we're about to discuss this,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I'd ask you to temper the comments, the jokes and the observations
0:22:26 > 0:22:31with the fact that Andy Murray, the runner-up in the British men's
0:22:31 > 0:22:34singles final, is actually out there in the audience at the moment.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37A big hello to Andy Murray! APPLAUSE
0:22:59 > 0:23:04Thank you very much. Andy, specifically said, "Yeah, no fuss. No fuss.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07"Just dropping into the back of the show to enjoy the gig like anyone else."
0:23:07 > 0:23:11No big thing happening.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15So, all I am saying is, it's a pleasure to have you here, Andy.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18When you're talking about the final, keep it light.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25There he is!
0:23:27 > 0:23:30You've got some glasses down there,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32you can have a crack at that one as well!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I am not doing every face that we do on this show!
0:23:36 > 0:23:42Yes, Professor Peter Higgs... I'm not. I'm not going to do this.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47I can't look like everything that we discover on the show.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48He looks like...
0:23:53 > 0:23:56APPLAUSE
0:23:56 > 0:23:58OK. Here we go. The first subject is
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Things You Didn't Hear At The Queen's Jubilee.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05And look at that, a sea of red, white and blue
0:24:05 > 0:24:08as thousands of hyperactive children
0:24:08 > 0:24:12vomit up the icing from the Jubilee cake mix!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17You can't help thinking that nationalism may have gone a little too far.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20The flotilla is now anchored off France, ready to invade Calais.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29We hear recently that the Queen's dogs have done a complete overhaul
0:24:29 > 0:24:32of the palace plumbing system.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Mercifully, they are Corgi registered!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36AUDIENCE GROANS
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Come in number 46, your time is up.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50And now is our chance to join in lustily with the second verse
0:24:50 > 0:24:53of the National Anthem.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56# On... To be served... To...
0:24:56 > 0:25:00# Ma-ma-ma... The Queen... #
0:25:06 > 0:25:11Yes, doc, so if I say I have a bladder infection, will it work?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Excellent. I can't stand Gary Barlow!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Harry, when I told you to put on your uniform,
0:25:20 > 0:25:21I didn't mean THAT one!
0:25:25 > 0:25:31And it's amazing to think, isn't it, she is 86 years old.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Please, give it up one more time, Annie Lennox!
0:25:37 > 0:25:40And this is a real Jubilee mug,
0:25:40 > 0:25:45a man who has paid ?25 for a Jubilee mug.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Awful scenes before the concert,
0:25:49 > 0:25:54as a rather embarrassing fat man has jumped on to the stage.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58He is pulling faces and mouthing to Robbie Williams' records...
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Oh...
0:26:04 > 0:26:07And the Queen places the diamond in the stand,
0:26:07 > 0:26:10lighting the final Jubilee beacon.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Now she enters the crystal dome
0:26:12 > 0:26:15and tries to collect as many golden coupons as she can...
0:26:21 > 0:26:26The boat is spread out over the vast space of the Thames,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29like thoughts in Fearne Cotton's head.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36There she is, Her Majesty the Queen. Where else can you see
0:26:36 > 0:26:40an 86-year-old, standing for hours, just waiting to be seen?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Well, any NHS hospital.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50The next topic is, Unlikely Lines From A Thriller.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55What more evidence do you need that there is a mole?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Look at the lawn!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Your wife's head in a box.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09You must be the most unlucky contestant ever on Deal Or No Deal.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17What colour wire do I have to cut?
0:27:17 > 0:27:21The lilac, the mauve, the salmon pink or the fuchsia?!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26I want to make you a vodka martini.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28You can't handle vermouth!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40"Is that a gun in your pocket,
0:27:40 > 0:27:43"or are you just pleased to see me?" she purred.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Yes, it is a gun in my pocket
0:27:46 > 0:27:48and I've just shot my cock off.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I'm telling you, there will be no attack.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58This is a side picked by Roy Hodgson.
0:28:03 > 0:28:09So, Mr Bond, we meet... Argh! Flipping cat!
0:28:13 > 0:28:17I'm telling you, Captain, I work best alone, or sometimes in a team.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Basically, I'm saying I'm flexible.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26So, Mr Bond, we meet at last.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28We didn't we ever Skype?
0:28:34 > 0:28:38I would like to gently lift your horse's foot...
0:28:38 > 0:28:40You can't handle the hoof!
0:28:46 > 0:28:49I had human liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti,
0:28:49 > 0:28:52but the entertainment was excellent and he was a lovely host,
0:28:52 > 0:28:55so I'm giving Hannibal seven out of ten!
0:28:59 > 0:29:03Here's Johnny!
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Do you mind, I'm trying to have a shit in here!
0:29:08 > 0:29:13"This prostitute is not dead," said the Norwegian detective.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15"She is just pining for the Fjords!"
0:29:20 > 0:29:26And as his eyes became accustomed to the shadowy darkness,
0:29:26 > 0:29:30he realised he was not alone in that room.
0:29:30 > 0:29:31"Who is it?"
0:29:31 > 0:29:35"It's me, Peter Andre!"
0:29:37 > 0:29:40At the end of the round, the points go to Greg, Hugh and Chris!
0:29:40 > 0:29:43APPLAUSE
0:29:43 > 0:29:46So you have four different permutations for the ending...
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Is your name still Dara O Briain?
0:29:48 > 0:29:50No, it's sausage penis face.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57I've been a sausage penis face, good night.