0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Read all about it
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# Read all about it
0:00:29 > 0:00:32# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I'm Dara O Briain and joining me this week are
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Alun Cochrane.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:52We start with a round called
0:00:52 > 0:00:54This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56On the board are six categories.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Andi, which category would you like?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Um... Sport, please.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03OK, your category is sport and the answer is...
0:01:03 > 0:01:04What is the question?
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Is it how many days has it taken Madame Tussaud's
0:01:08 > 0:01:10to melt down their Pavarotti waxwork?
0:01:10 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:14AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- He's a big man! - This is a big opera crowd.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Is it, how long did I have to spend by the hotel pool this summer
0:01:22 > 0:01:28before I saw a lady who wasn't reading Fifty Shades Of Grey?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Is it, how much of the last month does Prince Harry remember?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37LAUGHTER
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Is it, when are G4S's security staff
0:01:39 > 0:01:41going to turn up at the Olympic Park?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Is it, who was at Darren Day's family reunion?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Is it, what reaction time
0:01:52 > 0:01:56is definitely too slow for a fighter pilot?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUS
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Is it, how long's just right for a holiday?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Cos 14 days is too long.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08If you go for two weeks,
0:02:08 > 0:02:12you spend the last three days going, "It's too long, isn't it?"
0:02:12 > 0:02:14LAUGHTER
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Is it, how long I've had this pesky erection, ladies?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19LAUGHTER
0:02:21 > 0:02:24How long did it take before the Essex lion got a vajazzle?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26LAUGHTER
0:02:26 > 0:02:31Is it, how long does it take to watch 12 series of 24?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Cos they're slightly shorter for the adverts, you see.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43When you watch it, is that why your holidays feel slightly too long?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Is it, in fact, according to his tax return,
0:02:46 > 0:02:50how many days work did Jimmy Carr do last year?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Hey, Jimmy, we're all there for you.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01How long should you cook a mammoth...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03LAUGHTER
0:03:04 > 0:03:07..in a category D oven?
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Is it how long, now that he's not famous,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14it takes Craig David to woo a girl?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18APPLAUSE
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Does anyone know the correct answer?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Is it, how long does the Paralympics last for?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Very good, thank you very much.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28APPLAUSE
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Yes, the question I was looking for, was how many days of sporting action
0:03:33 > 0:03:36are there in these record breaking London Paralympic Games?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39The London Paralympics look set to be the most successful ever.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41TV viewing figures are in the millions and events are selling out
0:03:41 > 0:03:43within minutes of new tickets being released.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Have you been watching the Paralympics?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Brilliant, wasn't it? The opening ceremony, I loved that -
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Ian McKellen on stage.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I did think it was up that of a risk though,
0:03:53 > 0:03:57booking Magneto when there were so many wheelchairs kicking around.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I saw all those wheelchairs flying through the air.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I thought, "He's up to his old tricks again."
0:04:03 > 0:04:06There was Stephen Hawking there's well, wasn't there?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I wondered if it was actually Stephen Hawking
0:04:08 > 0:04:10or whether it was just Professor X in disguise
0:04:10 > 0:04:12and it was all going to kick off
0:04:12 > 0:04:16and Stratford would be reduced to what it looked like seven years ago.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Was it just me, or was Hawking lip synching?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:28There is an issue of tone here...
0:04:29 > 0:04:31You've got to come with us some of the way
0:04:31 > 0:04:33and then let the Daily Mail decide.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35People have got weird preconceptions about it.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37That's why one of the most astonishing things
0:04:37 > 0:04:39is that people are saying,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"This is incredible, this is really good sport."
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Of course it is!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45These are elite athletes, it's not a charity day out!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47It isn't a pat on these head for these people.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49These are highly competitive people.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52You think it's competitive in the field?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54You should see it in the Athletes' Village,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57where they're fighting for disabled car parking spaces.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Nightmare!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01What I found confusing about the whole thing though,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I'm watching it and loving it and I think it is fantastic,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06but I'm finding the classifications a bit confusing,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09because until last weekend, for me,
0:05:09 > 0:05:13an F42 was a fighter plane
0:05:13 > 0:05:16or a night bus to Brent Cross Shopping Centre.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Why do you go to a shopping centre at night?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22The thing about the classification is, it IS confusing,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26cos it's so many different levels - track, field, all the rest of it.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28They start from quite severe disabilities
0:05:28 > 0:05:30all the way up to the minor stuff.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I think they should give someone able-bodied the chance
0:05:32 > 0:05:35by bolting on some really mild stuff at the end,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38like a really forgetful gymnast, forgetting their entire routine
0:05:38 > 0:05:40and doing a dozen forward rolls - "Ta-dah!"
0:05:40 > 0:05:42"Ta-dah!"
0:05:42 > 0:05:45They don't do that, gymnasts, generally - ta-dah!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- You'd be so pleased you'd remembered something!- They always go...
0:05:48 > 0:05:51They never go "Ta-Dah!"
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- Dara, they should! - They should, they should.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57I've been thinking about this. I'd quite like to see some cheating in the Paralympics.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Cos, you know, in the Olympics, cheating's kind of boring, isn't it?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02It's doping and stuff like that.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05But in the Paralympics there's so much scope in cheating -
0:06:05 > 0:06:08really kind of wacky races stuff things going 'boing', you know.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I'd like to see somebody win by coming from behind
0:06:11 > 0:06:13with a chin that shoots out on a stick.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- It'd be amazing! - Do you know what I'd like?
0:06:15 > 0:06:21A wheelchair with a fly wheel inside it, like a wind-up car,
0:06:21 > 0:06:26so that one of the people, suspiciously, is backed into his starting thing,
0:06:26 > 0:06:27and then goes 'whoomph'!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- And shoots down!- Yeah.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33"Wait a minute!"
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Of all the events that have been fantastic,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- the wheelchair basketball has been...- Oh, yeah.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Cos it's genuine, this is not, in any way, a mock-up.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46This is a sport that these are the best people in the world at.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48But it's properly brutal.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51If for no other reason, you knock somebody over,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53the rest of the team just leaves.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56And they're going, "He's gone. He's dead to us. Leave him!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59"If he can make it back up again, he can join in again."
0:06:59 > 0:07:02They do. They do this... They just spring back up into their chair.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I've never seen anybody do anything quite like it.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Well, very rarely do you see somebody in a wheelchair
0:07:08 > 0:07:10falling over and everyone going,
0:07:10 > 0:07:14"No! Leave him. He has to spring back up."
0:07:14 > 0:07:16You say that, but I live in London.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19True, true.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21My favourite event is the blind running. I love it.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24When they run with the guide, that is fantastic, isn't it?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Cos what happens is, the people who can see, they have to
0:07:28 > 0:07:31tell the runner who can't see when to overtake and stuff like that.
0:07:31 > 0:07:37But you're thinking, "What happens when the blind runner is full of running and the guide is knackered?"
0:07:37 > 0:07:39He'll be going, "Oh, no, no need to overtake just yet."
0:07:42 > 0:07:45"No, no, we're doing just fine. In fact, we're in the lead!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47"We're in the lead!"
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"Oh, I'm sorry, we came sixth."
0:07:51 > 0:07:52The thing is with those guides,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I saw Libby Clegg, who's a visually impaired runner,
0:07:55 > 0:07:59and she runs with a black guy, but not all of them run with guides,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02so it feels like a little bit of an unfair advantage.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05She's basically being dragged around by Usain Bolt.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- That can't be fair. - Somebody said that to me.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10He said, "They're being pulled by a fast runner."
0:08:10 > 0:08:12But they're not being pulled, though.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15You don't see eight blind people being dragged over the line,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17by strapping, huge people.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20It's like saying, "Well, horse racing - that's clearly cheating
0:08:20 > 0:08:23"cos those jockeys have got massive horses underneath them."
0:08:23 > 0:08:27My favourite bit of commentary was an interview, actually,
0:08:27 > 0:08:28in the proper Olympics.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31There was an interview with a guy called Ross Murray, I think,
0:08:31 > 0:08:36who's a British runner who had not qualified for the semifinals of the 1,500 metres.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37He was a protege of Steve Cram.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40He'd come sixth or something in his race and the guy said,
0:08:40 > 0:08:42"Well, what went wrong, Ross?"
0:08:42 > 0:08:44And he went - he came from the north-east -
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"Well, I think it's, you know, it's...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"To be honest, it was a lot harder for me out there
0:08:49 > 0:08:53"than it was for the Ethiopians and the Kenyans because, you know,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56"they've been hard at it for four years and, to be honest,
0:08:56 > 0:09:00"I've been hard at it since January after two years on the lash."
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- I never watch any of the sports and think, "I could do that."- Really?
0:09:11 > 0:09:16Yeah, one of the few depressing aspects of the Olympics is constantly watching sports
0:09:16 > 0:09:19and inevitably comparing yourself to the athletes.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21It's hopeless, because I'm sitting at home
0:09:21 > 0:09:26watching Usain Bolt run 100 metres in under 10 seconds.
0:09:26 > 0:09:31My personal best at the 100 metres is 80 metres.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I think, actually, that depression of what they achieve
0:09:40 > 0:09:43is even worse for the Paralympics,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46cos they conquer so many different challenges,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49and I watch it and it just brings me down cos I think,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52"I once didn't go running because I had a sore finger."
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Did you watch any of the canoeing?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I love the canoeing and the reason I love the canoeing,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03my favourite bit of it, was that there was a double kayak pair,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05a British pair, called Florence and Hounslow.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09And I thought, "That is the most unlikely town twinning in history."
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- ITALIAN ACCENT:- "What have you got? We have the Uffizi Gallery.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20"Yes, we have works by Leonardo Da Vinci and Michelangelo. And you?"
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- PATHETIC VOICE:- "Oh, we have a very large branch of Staples."
0:10:27 > 0:10:31At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Now we play around called Oscar Pissed-offius.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40This game involves Stewart, Andy and Andi,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43so make your way to the performance area, please.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47This is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News and, wherever it stops,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50one of our performers must talk about that subject.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53The winner is whoever I think is funniest. OK, here we go.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54The first subject is...
0:10:56 > 0:10:59..the police. Andy Parsons.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Police, you say?- Yeah.- Oh.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Thought it was going to be bondage.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15So, the police - often into bondage, aren't they?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23The police, they've done away with annual fitness tests.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Apparently, the only people who are going to get fitness tests now are
0:11:27 > 0:11:31some of the specialist positions - marksmen and women and dog handlers.
0:11:31 > 0:11:37And you're thinking, "Well, surely there be only set of people who don't actually need to be fit."
0:11:37 > 0:11:40They never need to chase a suspect, do they?
0:11:40 > 0:11:44They can either shoot them or set the bloody dog on 'em.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Also the police, they've been keeping our DNA for 12 years.
0:11:49 > 0:11:5212 years, right. Even when we've been innocent.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56They were quoting some statistics from the Jill Dando Institute for crime science.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Now, I have a few problems with the Jill Dando Institute for crime science,
0:12:00 > 0:12:04not least because they've yet to find the killer of Jill Dando.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14That, to me, would be like having the Lord Lucan missing persons' helpline.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24The next subject is...
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- ..dating. Who wants to come in on that?- OK.- Andi Osho.- Yes.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35Well, I think that dating and technology do not go together.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39This is a true story. It was in the Metro, so it must be true.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42A brother and sister who were separated as children
0:12:42 > 0:12:45met each other again through a dating website,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47and they only found out three weeks into dating.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50And it was reported as a good news story as well,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53cos the woman was like, "Oh, my God, we've got so much in common!"
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I'm thinking, "Yeah, like your DNA!"
0:12:55 > 0:12:57But this is only a good news story
0:12:57 > 0:12:59if they found out before anything happened.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01You don't want to find out like this,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04"Oh, my God! My brother had a mole on his dick."
0:13:06 > 0:13:08"What did you say your surname was?"
0:13:09 > 0:13:12There are some good things about technology and dating.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15There's this app Grindr that gay guys are using.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18For those of you who don't know, basically it tells them
0:13:18 > 0:13:20how far they are from another available gay man.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24I was telling a friend this and he was like, "So it's like a tracker?"
0:13:24 > 0:13:28It's not a tracker, OK? You're not hunting gay men.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32It's not that. Also, the guys have to be registered on the website.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34You can't use your iPhone as a gaydar.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37You can't just go up to someone and go... der-der-der-der-der.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39You are fabulous!
0:13:39 > 0:13:41But, anyway, I downloaded Grindr onto my phone
0:13:41 > 0:13:44and there were like, as soon as I fired it up,
0:13:44 > 0:13:46there were like 70 registered guys within ten metres of me.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49It was amazing. Do you know what it was like?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52You know that scene in Aliens where they're surrounded by the aliens?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55They're going, "Ten metres - that's in the room."
0:13:55 > 0:13:57"Well, you can't be reading it right."
0:13:57 > 0:13:58"I am reading it right!"
0:13:58 > 0:14:01"They're coming through the goddamn wall!"
0:14:01 > 0:14:02IMITATES LASER FIRE / AUDIENCE GROANS
0:14:02 > 0:14:06I'm not saying shoot gay men! There's a film called Aliens.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Thank you very much, Andi Osho.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15OK, that leaves us with Stewart.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23And the topic is family.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I'm homesick.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Does my wife think I'm a control freak? I haven't decided yet.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37She used to hate that joke.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Now she loves it.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44The other night at a party,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47my wife got drunk and told everyone she invented the echo.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I said, "Listen to yourself."
0:14:53 > 0:14:56I'm not thrilled that my wife's into bondage,
0:14:56 > 0:14:57but my hands are tied.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Pretty woman. I call her Dollface because she's so pretty.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03And she's missing an eye.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14I think we were both on bumper cars when I first caught my wife's eye.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19HE MOUTHS
0:15:19 > 0:15:21No, we actually met at a sushi restaurant
0:15:21 > 0:15:24and last week we went back for old times' sake.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Actually, I don't think it's pronounced that way.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Thank you very much, Stewart Francis.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Points at the end of that round go to Andy and Andi.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Everyone, sit back down.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Now we play a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53So, teams, why was this man in the news recently?
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Oh, it's what happened in Vegas not staying in Vegas.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Yes, very much so. Why is that?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Cos he was playing strip billiards
0:16:02 > 0:16:05and we all found out.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- Yes.- It's just hijinks, isn't it? It's just Harry.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12He takes after his dad, whoever that is.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Should they have printed the pictures?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21It was a weird moment for newspapers
0:16:21 > 0:16:23when The Sun printed the picture saying,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"Here's the picture you've all seen already."
0:16:26 > 0:16:29It's like the opposite of news, isn't it?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- The royals haven't actually complained after they've printed the picture, have they?- No.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Cos I guess they're thinking,
0:16:35 > 0:16:39"Well, you know, if he's naked, at least he's not wearing a Nazi uniform."
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- I did think strip billiards sounded a bit...- Strip billiards,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45it's hard enough dating as it is,
0:16:45 > 0:16:49but if you're waiting for a girl who understands the rules of billiards,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51you're going to die alone, aren't you?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Strip billiards sounds so posh as well.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Were they done with playing 'Spin The Pauper'?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Then they just played strip billiards.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02People were saying, though, that he was a gentleman,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05because in the photos he had his hands over the breasts of the woman.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10Obviously the definition of a gentleman has changed a bit since I was growing up.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13It's nonsense explaining it, "Oh, he's just being a normal soldier."
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- ALUN: He is.- Yes, a normal soldier, like all those other soldiers
0:17:16 > 0:17:20within their 900-a-night private bungalows in the grounds of a Las Vegas mansion.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22It's bullshit that we get sold the whole time.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25"Oh, he's just like us. They're like us, the Royal Family."
0:17:25 > 0:17:28They're not! They're not just like us.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33You have never accidentally ended up in a part of your house you've never been in before.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36They are not like us.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38"Huh! The kitchen."
0:17:41 > 0:17:421970s joke.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48The troops in Afghanistan, they've come out in support, haven't they?
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- Yeah.- By taking photos of themselves stripped completely naked.- Yeah.
0:17:52 > 0:17:58And it's basically Carry On Up The Khyber all over again, isn't it?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01These photos were actually taken before the Harry thing.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03This is just down to government cutbacks.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Who says they're doing it in support of Harry?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08They're not. They're taunting him.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11They're stripping naked in the Afghan sun going,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13"Try it over here, ginger lad."
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Two minutes naked out there - he'd look like a Babybel.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Yes, there are websites of squaddies and squaddies' families
0:18:22 > 0:18:24who have supported Harry and decided to...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26You know, I'm not saying...
0:18:26 > 0:18:30I'm not much of a royal, but I still think there's an important principle here that,
0:18:30 > 0:18:33you know, if a man wants to be naked at a party,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35then we should support that as much as we can.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37That's why I published
0:18:37 > 0:18:38this particular photograph.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40ANDI: Wow, Dara!
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Interesting that you've got an All Blacks tattoo there.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Yeah, it is actually. - Are you an albino Maori?
0:18:48 > 0:18:53I briefly played for the All Blacks before that photograph was poorly doctored.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56If you think my tattoos are bad, you should see Andy's tattoos.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59His are terrible. I mean, he really has...
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Hugh, we're not saying that you're, you know,
0:19:05 > 0:19:09but you decided to do it in foliage, which I thought was discreet.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Wait a minute!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17With a growing sense of inevitability,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Chris must now realise that his is possibly the most erotic.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26That is real.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31And that has confirmed many people's suspicions that if you see me naked,
0:19:31 > 0:19:32there is a pussy.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Whose famous face was recently given a makeover?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Is this the Jesus story? - This is the Jesus story.
0:19:39 > 0:19:44This is, like, the Spanish woman who tried to restore this painting
0:19:44 > 0:19:46and just ruined it.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50She did. Where was it, by the way? Yeah, it was in... Argh!
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- It was in Spain, where the Spanish ladies are.- Yes.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57And they do dance well.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59It was in Zaragoza.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- It was in the Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza.- That's it.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06And the authorities were very cross with her cos the only people who are
0:20:06 > 0:20:09allowed to touch up in a Catholic church are of course the priests.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Yes, it was the Sanctuary of Mercy Church near Zaragoza,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16and there is a century-old...
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Zaragoza.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20You really brought Spain to life for us there.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- You have to make an effort with foreign names. You can't just be zeds and...- ANDI: Do it again.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- And you say 'Pa-ri', do you? - Zaragoza.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Juanker.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37So, anyway, Guadalcanal, si, bueno...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39The worst thing is, I do a Spanish accent,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41it goes Mexican incredibly quickly.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- MEXICAN ACCENT:- There was a fresco in a church in Zaragoza.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47This fresco was incredibly beautiful.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49They call it 'El Guapismo'.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Anyway, there was a fresco in a church in Zaragoza...
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Where was the fresco? - It's in a church.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- Was it in a church in Zaragoza? - In a church in Zaragoza, si.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- How old was it? - It was a century, 100 years old.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- A whole hundred years? - A whole hundred years ago.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09A whole... What a story this is, my God!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Somebody has touched up a 100-year-old painting on a wall.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16It was a very quiet week. Zaragoza is a very sleepy town.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19I think it's much more the case that it was decaying
0:21:19 > 0:21:22because of where it had been painted, right?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25And so this is how the fresco looked originally.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29This is actually a photograph taken some years ago.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:21:31 > 0:21:34The fresco was painted by Elias Garcia Martinez.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40- Was that the one called Ecce Homo? - I'm going for it.- Do it, man. Do it.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42This is how it looked just recently
0:21:42 > 0:21:45because the plaster on which it was built had decayed,
0:21:45 > 0:21:47so this is how it looked now.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49So, a nice old lady,
0:21:49 > 0:21:53a nice Zaragozan lady, went in and repainted it
0:21:53 > 0:21:55and j-j-j-ust touched it up,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58and this is how it looked when she'd finished.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Picasso would have been proud of that.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07She thinks she's done a great job of it!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Here's one I sent in earlier.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14It really should be.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17HE HUMS A TUNE
0:22:19 > 0:22:21'Old Lady, Zaragoza'.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I'm sorry, people of Zaragoza, we cannot return your paintings.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Thank you very much for sending them in to Mock The Week's gallery.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31We can't send your paintings as they're painted on a wall in a church.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34She actually made Jesus look like a Teletubby.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39She also rounded him off as well, like she was twisting around the whole thing.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42She thought she'd done a really good job, though,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45cos everyone she showed it to went, "Jesus Christ!"
0:22:51 > 0:22:54To be completely fair, we don't actually know what Jesus looked like.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56He didn't look like that!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Hello! Hello!
0:23:02 > 0:23:05DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Blessed are the meek...
0:23:06 > 0:23:07- HUGH:- I tell you what...
0:23:07 > 0:23:10This might have been the bit in the Bible...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Hello, I'm Jesus.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17There's a bit missing in the Bible where Jesus comes in after a botched face job.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20At the Last Supper, everyone says, "Have you had any work done, Jesus?"
0:23:20 > 0:23:22"No, no."
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Do you like furry hat? My furry hat goes all the way around.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30She's actually seeing the restorer next week, isn't she,
0:23:30 > 0:23:34cos she's got to tell the restorer exactly what materials she used to do that,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38and you're thinking, "All she's going to produce is half a potato.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43The irony is she is probably older than the fucking fresco.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49OK, at the end of that round,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52the points go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01so everyone make their way over to the performance area.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:24:17 > 0:24:20If sign A over A equals sign B over B equals sign C over C,
0:24:20 > 0:24:26what are the chances that you're ever going to use this in your sodding adult life?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30CHEERING
0:24:31 > 0:24:34According to Germany, how much is Greece worth?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36One mark.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Exam board of Zaragoza - paint Jesus.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53Jonathan is a Nigerian prince. What are your credit card details?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Three girls in this hall are pregnant.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Who's the daddy?
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Compare the following -
0:25:05 > 0:25:07A, the market,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09B, the meerkat.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18Heat the crystals until they produce a vapour.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Inhale.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23The exam seems easier now, doesn't it?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Without swearing, describe Peter Andre.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Mental arithmetic - count up the voices in your head.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Using the paper provided,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47roll a joint and pass it round.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Does this look infected?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00In the recent Olympics,
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Great Britain won three times as many gold medals as Australia.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06That's not a question, just a statement.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13One Direction are incredibly popular.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Explain.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Sport - how do you spell Akabusi?
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Is it 'ay', 'ka',
0:26:22 > 0:26:25'bee', 'oo', 'si'?
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Yes or no?
0:26:30 > 0:26:34If Steve eats two apples, and orange and a banana,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36why is he such a fat fucker?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42OK, next topic is...
0:26:44 > 0:26:48And that's yet another gold medal for Ireland.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53BOOS
0:26:57 > 0:27:01That is the one thing I grew tired of - the Canadian national anthem -
0:27:01 > 0:27:03during the...
0:27:04 > 0:27:06CHEERS
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Well, there's Prince Harry in the crowd.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12I would recognise those buttocks anywhere.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Well, what an opening ceremony!
0:27:16 > 0:27:19James Bond, Harry Potter, Mary Poppins,
0:27:19 > 0:27:23showing the world that the greatest Britons are fictional.
0:27:26 > 0:27:31Sweltering conditions here at the ladies' beach volleyball final,
0:27:31 > 0:27:36but still those four blokes in the front row haven't taken their coats off.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Der-der-der-der, ta-da!
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- HE WHISPERS: - And that's the starting pistol,
0:27:48 > 0:27:50and they're running.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52They've finished.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55To be honest, I usually do the snooker.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Welcome to Greco-Roman wrestling,
0:28:02 > 0:28:05where a man from Greece and a man from Italy
0:28:05 > 0:28:09wrestle each other for the one euro coin they found on the floor.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Clare Balding there,
0:28:15 > 0:28:20but very slowly, and she's still got more hair than Colin Jackson.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28And the long jumper from Sierra Leone there,
0:28:28 > 0:28:31raking the sand for landmines.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40You've got to admit he's pretty fast for a white guy.
0:28:42 > 0:28:46Well, let's look at the 400-metre hurdles.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Those are very big hurdles.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57And the winner is jumping up and down with delight,
0:28:57 > 0:29:01which will probably see them disqualified from the wheelchair marathon.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10Well, it's the treble, it's the three he wanted,
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Usain Bolt has really enjoyed his night
0:29:13 > 0:29:16with the Swedish women's handball team.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22And next up, it's the dressage.
0:29:22 > 0:29:26Or, at its properly known, Riverdance for horses.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32And now it's time for the clean and jerk,
0:29:32 > 0:29:34and clean again with an old sock.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38OK, at the end of that round,
0:29:38 > 0:29:40the points go to Alun, Andy and Andi.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are
0:29:48 > 0:29:50Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Alun Cochrane.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Thank you for watching. Good night.
0:30:06 > 0:30:11# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:11 > 0:30:16# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:16 > 0:30:20# Read all about it
0:30:20 > 0:30:22# Read all about it
0:30:22 > 0:30:23# News of the world
0:30:23 > 0:30:25# News of the world. #
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd